In these troubled times all we need is love.

Lazy mornings with you, my King, are my favorite...

Have I told you what I hate about vinyl? You have to get up every 15 - 30 minutes and turn the record around...

So it's new years eve tomorrow. Everyone keeps asking me what I plan on doing. The fuck do I plan to do? There's only two options, work or binge watching one of my tv shows or the Santa movies with Tim Allen. Those and Home alone are the only Christmas movies I can stomach. Speaking of new years parties. I am so sick of people who suddenly turn all Kanye and party like there's no tomorrow on new years. Excuse you, what is there possibly to be happy about? You know what I actually really want? Sleep for like six god damn years and then wake up with an apartment a good job, financial security and a god damn sense of purpose. I don't want to be rich, I don't want fame, I don't want things I can't get. We've fallen so far that the actual only thing I do want are things everyone should have. A job, a house, a car, enough money to cover my bills, support my cats and spend a week somewhere on a beach once a year. Is that really too much to ask? But all that aside I have promised that I will try and be more positive from now on, so there leaving negativity behind and here's the anwser to another question. ''Who will you kiss on new years''. The only thing I will be kissing is this hell of 2016 goodbye. And pray to God, Satan and everyone in between that 2017 is going to be better. The wheel of fortune always spins back right? Isn't it about time that things get better?

Last night was ''interesting'' to say the least. I am always reminded why I hate local events. Honestly why on earth are people in this town such cunts? Excuse my English. Why the hell do you come to a show if all you plan on doing is dissing the band or drinking yourself into oblivion? I mean someone is paying these events for you and you're shit face drunk, we might as well put a canvas on and play YouTube videos your drunk ass wouldn't know the difference anyways. And the fireworks. I mean I hate is as is and I literally have zero or even less then zero compassion for any idiot that gets hurt while using it, but throwing it at people in public places or worse injuring animals with it. Are you completly insane or brain damaged or without a brain in the first place? What kind of a sick twisted individual does that? What has to go wrong in someone's head to think that torturing animals or throwing pyrotechnics at people is alright? Sometimes I am completly done with people. Actually more then 80% of time I am completly done with people.

And the men...the men that come up to talk to me. Oh god, I mean I know it's probably the alcohol that makes them think they're oh so charming and smart while in reality they're idiots. This guy last night comes to talk to me while I was leaning on the bar drinking tea trying to get warm because it was freezing and he goes ''Hanging on a bar? You're a girl, why don't you act like one''. I mean I don't know is that supposed to be clever, was it something that he hoped to start a conversation with or was he just plain and simple stupid. Here's the deal man, I wasn't aware that vaginas come with a terms & conditions manual. And the other one, walks up to me without even saying hello he's like ''what's your favorite position in bed?'' uh...alright, you know which one? Near the wall so I can use my phone while it charges. Jesus christ. Am I really that weird? That incapable of connecting with people or are people around me actually complete assholes? Why do I even bother?

But all that aside, the band was actually quite amazing. Safe to say I always regretted not being able to see John Lennon *fuck you Chapman* or the Beatles live, maybe I get the chance to see McCartney someday...well last night that regret hurt a little less. The guys playing in the Help! A Beatles tribute are quite incredible. All four of them have amazing voices and respect boys for playing in those freezing temparatures. Can't be easy strumming a guitar while your fingers feel like being repeatedly stabbed. I hear these guys are actually one of the best Beatles cover bands on the planet which is huge considering there are roughly 6000 tribute or cover bands out there.. Can't say I don't agree, everything from sound, to clothes, to haircuts, instruments and down to their very movments is studied to the last tiny detail. I love the back story too, their ''Paul McCartney'' is American, he came from the States and got married here and the funny part is they wouldn't exist if someone wouldn't ask them once to play Beatles songs on a charity event. Everyone thought it's a one time thing but they had too much fun doing it so they decided to keep going. Don't you just love stories like these? How something little can bring people together and create something amazing...

I heard a lot of my favorites last night such as I Want to hold your hand, She loves you, Yesterday, Can't buy me love, Here comes the sun, Hey Jude, We can work it out, Twist and shout, All you need is love, Back in the USSR, Help!...as well as some I didn't know before... Must have something to do with the fact I only own Help! and Beatles White on vinyl. Hah. Well safe to say I will get some more now. Don't worry I'm still team Stones but I found a new appreciation for the Beatles. Took me damn long enough huh?

So despite my bitterness and ''excessive happiness'' over the new years and partying, I'm still going to wish you all the best, have fun, dance the night away, drink, kiss a random stranger, forget about all your worries for those couple of hours.

Happy New Years guys, may 2017 bring you nothing but joy and happiness, to you and your loved ones.

P.S. speaking of loved ones, this part goes out to the man that loves getting into my blog. My passwords seem to be too easy huh? You're right, I will kill you if you do it again, but that was actually really nice, and completly unnecessary, honey you don't need to tell me all these things because I already know, maybe you're not aware of it but they're pretty obvious in all the little things you do and say. Like ''drive safe'' I know that's just another way of saying I love you. Or those cute post it notes you leave on the mirror or in the car to make me smile first thing in the morning. And of course I will always be there for you just like you're always there for me. Nothing and nobody can change that. I love you, more then anything else on this planet, I hope you know that too.

Thank you.

She's going to kill me. Literally. She hates it so much when I mess around with her social media accounts. And my guys will have stuff to say behind my back again, wich oddly enough doesn't worry me at all. I need a moment to gather my thoughts. To gather things I wish I'd tell her, things I wish I said. I don't know why I never can. You know what's funny? The girl loves me on my good days and even more on my bad days, she forgives me my worst mistakes and I can't even say thank you. I am such a fool. Your grandmother said some things to me today, and they really hit home I guess. They were eye opening. I used to look into the mirror and absolutely despise the man that's been looking back at me. You helped me see myself differently. You helped me realize that I'm not a bad person I just made some poor choices in my life. But all of that is in the past now, thanks to you.

I actually admire your strength, you don't let people break you, you don't let rude, mean, evil crap define you and take you down. I suppose I'm not as strong as you are which is really ironic if you think of it that way...Sometimes I'm so easily thrown outta balance. A bad day at work. A hard case...and I'm all over the place but you're the one who grounds me. You say something as simple as ''we're okay'' and the worrying just melts away, and we are in fact okay.

We were watching the news the other day and you told me how heartbroken you are over the Berlin events because Berlin is your favorite place in the world then you asked me what mine is. I said I don't know. Lie. I do know. Of course I know. I know why you love Berlin so much and I also know I don't feel an attachment like that to a place. I love any place that has you and me in it together. Could as well be a tent on a beach somewhere in the middle of nowhere. It doesn't matter where you are, only who you're with and doll, as long as I'm with you, I've got everything I could ever want or need. Safe to say my favorite place in the world is in your arms. I am addicted to the way you'd wrap your arms so tight around my waist each time I come home from a job, I am so addicted to the way you refuse to let go, yes, I tell you that you're silly and I tell you to let go but let's be honest that's the last thing I want.

I'm just here to thank you. Thank you for being so god damn cute and adorable and always making me smile when things really go bad. Honestly without you and your crazy antics I'd go insane a long time ago. Thank you for inspiring me, you showed me how a little thing can change someone's entire life and how little does it really take to be someone's hero. Thank you for always being there for me, lord knows it hasn't been easy but you never once doubted me and that means more to me then anything else. Thank you for showing me it's alright to stand up for the things you believe in even if you do in fact stand alone, it's alright to fight for it and be strong even if everyone else thinks you're insane because sometimes all it takes is one person to make a difference. You were that difference for me. Thank you for not caring what a mess I really am, thank you for loving me despite being such a mess. Thank you for teaching me so much about life, love, passion, art, music, creativity and humanity. Thank you for bringing out the best in me. You said once that there are people that bring out the monster in you and people who make you shine bright. That's what you do, you make me better. About a million times better. Thank you for encouraging me to be better, to do better and believing in me that I can actually do it in the first place. Thank you for all the patience and understanding, I know I don't deserve it. Thank you for staying awake with me at two in the morning talking about everything and nothing when I can't sleep after shit goes down at work. Thank you for knowing about all my flaws and not giving a damn about them anyways. Thank you for appreciating me, us, what I do for you, even if it seems small and unimportant. You notice and care and it means the world. Thank you for caring about my opinion even when we don't agree, I love that you listen to what I have to say even when you think I'm a ''bloody idiot''. Thank you for always standing up for me, you don't let nobody talk shit about me and don't care who you tell to fuck off when they're being out of line. Thank you for always checking up on me, making sure I'm alright. Thank you for teaching me what love really is. We both know I didn't know shit before I met you. Thank you for always listening even when I'm not making any sense at all. Thank you for spoiling me with little things all the damn time. Thank you for trusting me the way you do. Thank you for blowing up my phone with cute texts when we're apart. And most of all thank you for loving me, I never thought I could be this lucky or this happy. I could honestly thank god everyday that I decided to join that club and meet you there. Thank you for being my happiness, the love of my life, my rock, my strength, my world, my everything. Also sorry for taking your blog (again) and even breaking your Monday - Friday post thing.

These sappy posts need to end. Now. Or my boys will be really worried for me. Ha. I love you baby.

G.R.

I'm never gonna dance again.

''You’ll never find peace of mind until you listen to your heart.''

— George Michael

I said I won't be around today because I'll be busy doing nothing at all. Well...that clearly didn't work out. Can I just say I am done and over with 2016. This has to be one of the worst years so far. After all the big music names that left us this year now George Michael and Rick Parfitt have also passed away. I honestly just can't even believe it. Who could even think that a man singing Last Christmas will in fact die on Christmas? Also 2016 how dare you? Ruining Christmas for all his fans and his family that every year now when they'll be constantly listening to Last Christmas from the begining of November and be remembered of this day... Unbelievable. I've never been much of a fan that might be true but I have nothing but respect for the man. He was a legend, nobody can argue with that. And I admire him for not giving a flying fuck about what people thought of him and his sexuality, lord knows not everyone is as brave. I liked him as a person and as a man, he was something special alright. You know what's ''funny'' though, there's a Wham! record in my collection. I've had it for years and never once listened to it. Yesterday morning though I decided to give it a chance. Ended up not hating it too. And hours later I hear he's passed away. I was absolutely gutted. That much more because the legends are leaving us and we're stuck here with One direction or Justin Beaver or whatever the fuck else comes on the scene next. I just can't even...comprehend it. George Michael, you were a bright shining star and you will be missed so much. Rest in peace.

And Rick Parfitt...he was a brilliant musician, he could make rhythm out of nothing, their music might sound simple but it was really fucking enjoyable. Rick was a huge part of so many peoples lives and inspiration to many. He's going to be missed as well by his fans and mostly by his family. My heart is with all of you. Rest in Peace Rick.

This was deleted from the original post but I decided to keep it because what the hell...

And just a quick note before I go, wallow in my sadness. All you bastards saying crap on twitter. Fuck you. Fuck all of you, how dare you call them names and say shit about them?! How do you even have the nerve to bring up Georges sexuality and calling him fag saying he had it coming. The fuck is the matter with you? Not only it's disgusting as is but have you even considered that his family might be reading, or his friends. Show some respect and shut the fuck up. God. So what if he loved men, nobody cares, love is love, grow up and get the fuck over it. Jesus.

Edit; It's Tuesday night and I can't believe I'm adding another name to this list. As a big Star Wars fan this one has left me absolutely heartbroken. I am just really so done with 2016 I just want it to end. The sooner the better. Carrie thank you for everything, you were amazing, not only as an actress but as a person. The way you tackled on your health problems and didn't let them control you inspires me daily. You'll be missed.

You are one with the Force now Princess. Rest in Peace.

Ko nam brani...

''Nekad čini mi se da je propalo sve ništa neče da krene, loše došlo je vrijeme a ja ne vidim spas za nas...

Zato bježim od svih, nekad napišem stih, nekad odem do šanka, al' je linija tanka izmedju jave i sna, vrha i dna i pjevam...

Hej, dušo, 'ko nam brani, da bude sve 'ko lani, na moju dušu stani i ostani''

Where should I start this post? My mind is all over the place, my heart is all kinds of broken and some things are hard to put into words. What happened in Berlin ripped out my heart. I just can't comprehend how there can be so much hate on this planet. I don't understand what kinda person you have to be to even do something like that. Delusional? Blinded? Plain and simple insane? A psychopath? I am beyond disgusted and horrofied and quite honestly sick of all these ''pray for...'' enough already. Lets learn how to love and live in peace for fuck sake. I feel so sad for the people involved and the families of those we lost. Horrible situation and I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I suppose this one hurt that much more because not only Berlin is my favorite place in the world but that is also the part of town the very street and church I love most, where each time I was there I spent most of my time. I am just devastated. World shouldn't be like this. But the thing is, evil can't win, hate can't win, there will be peace and love and kindness...someday...I'm just not sure when and how and how much blood will still be spilt before we get there, I'm not even sure if any of us will be around to witness it but someday...

And speaking of love...someone asked me the other day if I fall in love often. He was being rude mind you, basically calling me a slut between the lines. But thing is he was right. Not with the slut part, god forbid, but with the love part...yeah, I do fall in love often, with a gorgeous view, or a sunset, all the crazy colors of the sky, a good book, an amazing song, a new band, with a dog or a cat, with friends, with the perfect pair of shoes or a jacket, with a good tv show, with an amazing piece of art. With everything and nothing at all. People lack passion these days. Passion for life, passion for everything really. Why do you do things if you're not passionate about them in the first place? Have you ever watched someone talk about something they love, something they're passionate about, with a little sparkle in their eyes? It's amazing really. My friend would say ''purpose is the reason for your journey and passion is the light that lights your way''. I know, if you put your whole heart into things it's easier to get it broken but if you don't try you never know right?

A while back I'd say that some people drink, some smoke and some fall in love and yet they all die only in a different way. Love is magic and love is pain and that little space in between is worth putting it all on the line. Love for everything and everything not just a woman - man, but animals, art, music, food, travel...anything. If you've got that fire for something don't let it die, don't let your passions fade away, don't lose interest for something you love to do, because that is like losing a piece of yourself and quite honestly it's the worst feeling ever. And don't worry if things get messy or upside down, I've learned that if I was completly normal, stable, static I'd be dead. So I decided to accept the chaos, the confusion, the fear, the fact that sometimes life is a little sideways and I get a little lost, I accepted all the ups and downs, don't mean I like it but I did because all this makes you alive, makes you live an exciting life. Heartbreak aint fun, and when things go wrong it aint fun but honestly who wants everything to always be perfect. You'd be bored to tears.

Well guys, I am completly going insane with all the songs, comercials, movies and the god damn bells everywhere I go, but still Merry Christmas, happy holidays, enjoy your time with your family, loved one, friends, cats, alone in front of the tv. Whatever you do enjoy it. See you next friday. But before I go, a piece of love advice, no wait two pieces; ''Date someone you can have rough sex or deep conversations with whether it is at 2am or 2pm''. ''If he doesn't think you're worthy to stand with him in battle, then he's not worthy to lay with you in bed''. ;)

Stay safe guys, look after one another, the world is so unkind.

''Čovjek pokvari sve prije il' kasnije, ljubav nije za ljude neka bude šta bude, neču pustit' ni glas za nas...

Zato bježim od svih, nekad napišem stih, nekad odem do šanka al' je to linija tanka izmedju jave i sna, vrha i dna i pjevam...''

- Petar Grašo

Meet me tonight in Atlantic City.

I got some good advice the other day...something along the lines of ''the more you love yourself, the less bullshit you'll tolerate''. It's probably true no? I mean if we don't value ourselves, we let people walk all over us. And then there was another advice from my best friend, he said, ''Nikki honey, I doubt vodka is the anwser but it sure is worth a shot''. Smart man. That same one that once said to me that vodka is just potato that chose the best career. I do not support excessive drinking by the way before you're all on my throat again. I enjoy a drink every now and then but getting drunk? No thank you. And you shouldn't do it either. Be smart about it guys...

Here's to another monday. I'm back, rambling about music, today's choice is the one I'm listening to, while reading a book about the lives and deaths or rock n roll legends. Aparently I enjoy torturing myself. This shit is painful, they all died so young and so tragic. And I kept it together but then there was Jim Morrison and goodbye self control. Also a quick note to the author, I'm very offended that you did not include Jani Lane in your book. I get it, his music was hair metal, he was nowhere near Hendrix or Queen's succsses but he was still a legend and should be included in this book. Right, back to the record, here we go...

Bruce Bruce Bruce...the only real love of my life as I like to put it. The one person in my life who hasn't dissapointed me yet or broke my heart in one way or another...I probably love this man a little too much. River is one of my favorite albums ever made, not by him, but generally from every single album there is out there. I find it funny, the River came out, it was Bruce's first number one, Hungry heart was a huge hit, world tour was all but sold out, you'd expect his next album to be similar, you know keeping the momentum alive and all that. But no, Bruce being Bruce did a something completly different and released Nebraska, which is dark and brooding and nothing at all like the River.

"Everything dies baby, that's a fact. But maybe everything that dies some day comes back."

I don't think there's anything more then his voice, acoustic guitar and harmonica on this record. And the lyrics, murder, loss, loneliness. Makes me wonder, why the hell would you go so dark on us? But I do appreciate the fact that he sung in the first person which gives them this intimacy that I don't feel often while listening to an album. I mean the cover alone gives you this dark, depressed vibe, like an opening of a movie about desperation. I suppose this is one of them rare cases where you can actually ''judge a book by it's cover''. The ten songs on this album are just as haunting as the cover is, simple melodies, soft guitar, harmonica. They talk about people who lost everything, maybe even their souls. I find the songs absolutely brilliant. I know most of these people are just characters, they're probably not even real, but he brings them to life so well. You actually feel the sadness and despair these made up people would feel in search of themselves and their lives. He's giving a voice to those that don't have a voice because though made up there are people out there living lives like that, people that are too beaten down to speak up for themselves and the sad part is...I understand them all too well. I feel like I can connect. Maybe that's why this album speaks to me so much...I feel like I can melt into their lives even if for just for a moment...I can't say though that this version of Nebraska he talks about is a place I'd like to visit but I love to replay that album and get lost in these stories every now and then. Even if most times they make me sad, I remember how bad some people have it, some people that are just helpless and lost and been hurt so many times that they are just completly broken. I suppose here's a moral on this album though, remember to have empathy, don't judge till you know the whole story and help anyone you can, wherever and whenever you can. World would be so much nicer if we'd all just show some kindness to eachother. This album had a huge effect on me, I may be a fan of a lot of other musicians but there aint one single songwriter out there like Bruce. Not one that makes you feel like you've been sitting in the room with him, the world just melts away and he's telling you these stories...at least that's what it does to me. Here's the deal Nebraska was a risky and brave move, he literally stripped down his art right to the core and it payed of, he managed to record one of the most honest and hauntingly beautiful albums there are out there. There is so much compassion in every line, like he's trying to say that there's no peace in the darkness...I suppose at the end it comes down to a man and a dead dog, trying to revive him and another one, on the way to get married, but the bride doesn't show up, he's waiting for her, the river still flows and the people still find their own reasons to believe. It's simple and naive, the caption underneath Bruce's ''glorious'' picture of America. Bottom line he asks a lot of questions on this album and it seems to me that he dares you to go out and search for anwsers and guess what? Those anwsers are damn well worth your time. I love this album to bits and pieces and I honestly recommend you listen to it. Maybe pay attention to Atlantic city and Johnny 99, they're really something special.

Let me know how you feel about it, or recommend something, always open to suggestions, cheers guys, have a good week!

Pictures of you, pictures of me, up on your wall for the world to see.

I read an interview once with Nikki Sixx about photography. He said that when he got clean and sober he picked up a camera and never put it down again. People always say he's just some random celeb that takes pictures when he's bored. NOT. He's such an amazing artist...why am I telling you this? He's one of my biggest inspirations when it comes to photography. I admire a lot of photographers like Eddie Adams, Kevin Carter, Greg Marinovich, Annie Leibovitz, Michael Kenna, Josip Pelikan, Arne Hodalič, I admire the man that took that iconic picture of a World War II sailor kissing a nurse in Times Square, Alfred Eisenstaedt I believe was his name. Beautiful picture and the story behind it, people celebrating that the war is over... Where am I going with this? These are professional photographers but it's no secret that Nikki's work is my favorite. There's something about it that just pulls me in. It's just amazing, I love the dark, mysterious ones, and I love the portrait and people work he does. It is perfect. I actually wish that someday I could work with him. Model or assistant both works. Would be a dream come true for me...yes mom even if he throws me in a bathtub full of fake blood. Hah. If you're interested in his work you can find him on Instagram where I've been obsessingly liking everything he posts or on his Tumblr account which I actually prefer...

http://nsixxfoto.tumblr.com/

This actually made me remember that I've been in love with photography for so long, I just haven't been paying it the attention it deserves lately. I hate it to be fair, so many things I love have been pushed aside for other aparently ''more important'' things. Are they really though? Are things you don't like to do, things you don't love really more important then something you enjoy? I know, I know, school and work are more important I get it alright, but neglecting something you love for it still sucks. That is why I have payed classes and bills instead of a good camera. I shouldn't complain I know, but I still do. A proper DSLR has been one of my biggest dreams for a damn long time. Someday though. In the mean time I'm trying my best to capture moments with what I have. It's not always the easiest thing to do but hey...I try. I have boxes and boxes of developed pictures in my house. Literally boxes full of them. Film photography...god I feel old sometimes. But on the other hand, I still prefer film photography to regular, specially black and white. Back in the day I took pictures with pretty much anything I could get my hands on, we've had a lot of cameras in our house, some were just toys and some were pretty good. Most of the pictures we have were taken with my dad's old Zenith and that one made some amazing pictures. Anyways I'll share a few of my favorites I took over the years...

I took all these pictures about 10 years ago, I remember always trying to capture the right moment, the light, the right angle. It wasn't always the easiest thing and I actually loved the anticipation of having to wait, get the pictures developed then see if it worked out or not. Good times. Good memories too.

It's about damn time I get back out there and take some pictures of whatever really because hell I miss it so much. Sounds like good weekend plans.

Do something you love this weekend too, you deserve to spoil yourself every now and then as well. Cheers guys, stay safe out there.

Ako su to samo bile laži, lažimo se bar još malo.

Good morning guys. Sorry about being M.I.A. last friday. Long hard week and too much work kept me busy. I need a vacation ASAP. And a really long one too. If life doesn't kill me then school surely will. I know I know two more exams and then we're done but those two seem impossibly hard. I'm not the type but I honestly want to give up or cry in a corner because this is just too fucking much. School shouldn't be this way. It shouldn't make you feel stupid or give you anxiety attacks. It should teach and help you grow and find your place in the world, not make you want to collapse on the ground and give up on everything. It makes me feel like a bloody idiot. I know I'm not. I'm far from stupid but obviously by schools standard I am an idiot. But honestly....where is the point in forcing me to memorize over 300 pages and just quote word per word? Isn't the point that you think with your own head? No? When was that lost in translation...I obviously don't have to be inteligent at all, all I have to do is copy someone elses inteligence correct. What was that quote again ''if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid''. Don't you agree?

I'm not sharing any records today. Couldn't pick one because I've only been listening to old Yugo rock lately. What can I say? I am Yugoslavian after all. Kinda. It fell apart months before I was born. I only wish I lived in it. You're welcome to your own opinion but keep it for yourself please. All the hate lately is driving me mad. When I walk down the street with a red star on my shirt because I'm a comic book fan and it's a symbol of The Winter Soldier and I get called nasty names because people were clearly skipping on history class that's too much. Way too much. Last time I checked we live in a free country I can tattoo a damn red star on my forehead if I want to.

NOT that it matters right now. As per request I will share a playlist of my favorite Yugo rock songs...in no particular order.

1. Bajaga & Instruktori - 220 u voltima

2. Bijelo Dugme - Padaju Zvijezde

3. Parni Valjak - Ugasi me

4. Prljavo Kazalište - Ne zovi mama doktora

5. Prljavo Kazalište - Marina

6. Prljavo Kazalište - Kiše Jesenje

7. Partibrejkers - Kreni prema meni

8. Električni Orgazam - Igra rocknroll cela Jugoslavija

9. Bajaga & Instruktori - Ti se ljubiš na tako dober način

10. Prljavo Kazalište - Sve je lako kad si mlad

11. Bijelo Dugme - Ne spavaj mala moja

12. Prljavo Kazaliste - Mojoj majci

13. Crvena Jabuka - To mi radi

14. Bijelo Dugme - Napile se ulice

15. Riblja Čorba - Volim, volim, volim žene

16. Parni Valjak - Lutka za bal

17. Leteći Odred - Sanjao sam moju Ružicu

18. Indexi - Sve ove godine

19. Plavi Orkestar - Kad ti ljubav ime prozove

20. Plavi Orkestar - Ako su to samo bile laži

I grew up listening to these bands. Can't say I was much of a fan then, I was at shows with either my mom or backstage with the bands and dad. I maybe didn't appreciate the music back then but these are all such fond memories. Either way I do love these songs now. The bands. I guess sometimes I feel nostalgic. Crazy isn't it? I miss the times I never even lived in. I trust my parents though I know they had a great youth and I wish mine was the same. They did so much, saw so much, traveled so much and all I can do is dream about it. Doesn't seem fair to me. It's funny though I have a ton of records from these bands and one that just so happens to be my favorite is signed by the singer and I asked mom the other day where, when did she get it signed and she goes ''oh we dated a little, didn't I tell you?'' uh no, no you didn't. I don't remember all the bands and all the shows but I especially remember this one band, I was what six years old maybe and so tired sitting backstage on a guitar case the guitarist let me sit on and carry around. He even payed me for it. We were friends for years after that. I saw so many of their shows. Came to think of it today that I really miss them...

Aight that was about enough from me for the day, I'll share some pictures and then go enjoy my ''long weekend''.

Live it up guys.

P.S. Happy Birthday to my hero and one of my biggest inspirations, my baby and my Dr. Feelgood, it's a day late I know but I posted it all over yesterday, felt the need to do it again today. Happy Birthday the ''man with my name''. Nikki Sixx. I love you so much, hope your birthday was amazing like you are.

''Do you know where the fuck you are? You're in the jungle baby, you're gonna die!''

There's only one thing I got to say to you guys today. GUESS WHO IS JOINING THE NIGHTRAIN?!? That's right. Guns N' fucking Roses announced an European tour and I am beside myself. So excited that my heart is pounding and I can barely breathe. You all know how I love my music and being able to see my absolute favorites live...That is just one of my biggest dreams come true. Steve and Izz would make everything perfect but hey I take what I can get. There you go, I said a while back that I don't even remember being truly happy. Well I will remember this moment damn well because right now...in this moment...I am absolutely perfecly happy.

HO HO NO

Hello December...how about hell no December? The month where people go into a frenzy, everyone is fake cheerful and when you're just not sharing their sudden Kanye party mode you're the Grinch. Uh oh sweetheart let me tell you something about December. Despite the fact that I hate how many anniversaries there are in my family on December, is there anything to really be cheerful about? Next year is going to be just as fucked up if not more then this one. And even if I try and look at the world optimistically, it doesn't work that way. Times we live in are hard. I don't see the need to celebrate the new year with a future as uncertain as ours is right now. I'm bloody terified not excited. I don't understand people who buy tons of food and have family over and eat themselves into oblivion like they haven't eaten all year long. If you want to see your family don't wait up for Christmas. If you're uncomfortable with your family don't think you have to ''suck it up'' just because it's Christmas. I can't stand how I can't even buy milk and cereal without it turning into hunger games in every shopping mall in December. What is up with people? Tip; I may be polite but inside I am screaming and tearing your head clean off with my own bare hands. People and their small talk, all they talk about is cooking, and Christmas plans and preparations and then more cooking. I hate the looks I get when I tell them I couldn't care less because guess what I don't eat meat. ''You don't eat meat?! But your poor parents! How do you do Christmas in your house then?? How can you not eat meat? But wouldn't you just try some, it's the holidays after all!''. I didn't know being vegetarian is seasonal. Talking to people is exhausting. Why is it that everyone just gets this fake happy chirpy voice when wishing you a good holiday? Why is it that I get told I need to ''cheer up'' when I don't have said voice? I will cheer up when this madness is over thank you very much. I know I said this before but I'm saying it again. And this goes to every shopping mall in existance you are all animals! How dare you put out Christmas crap before it's even Halloween?! And TV stations...Christmas movies suck. And radio stations...Christmas music is shit. All I want for Christmas? Is for you to stop playing that awful song! Except our local Rock Radio they decided to boycott Christmas music. Bless your kind souls, you must be some sort of angels. Do you know that depression and suicide spikes up during the holidays. Really. I don't see why at all, the family obligations, the frenzied travel plans, mortifying debt, living of so little and watching people spend so much, it's a bloody miracle people don't jump of a bridge on the spot. Let's face it Christmas is no longer a holiday, it's hell. Who the hell decided that festive clothing is a thing? Seriously, who was it? There's a special place in hell reserved just for you my friend. And the wine...oh god don't get me started on that one, did you ever sit around sipping a nice glass of red wine thiking oh you know what? This would be much better if it was scalding hot, full of tiny tree trunks and sugar...yeah me neither. Starbucks and their cups. Oh my god. I take it we all saw the revolution the red cups caused? Jesus christ. And this starts in the winter season not just December, everything is pumpkin spiced, Christmas cookies, sandwiches and ''crimble crumble''? Whatever that is...can you just please get me my drink, misspell my name and calm the fuck down before I pumpkin spice your ass. Does anyone know what's the point behind Christmas tress? Except of course murdering trees? Honest to god I'm curious...Why is it that people suddenly enjoy walks so much? And in the snow! Tell you what, you go out on a walk and leave me with my ton of pillows and blankets in front of the tv. And make it a long walk too. What is even enjoyable about snow? It's cold, it's wet, it's a half frozen dirty messy goo on the groud. I mean if you're not a dog or a six yearold I really don't see the appeal. Christmas is essentially Jesus's birthday, so if you're not religious...?

Now before you start throwing your Christmas ornaments at me, or whatever else is closest...I got nothing against celebrating, in fact I am forced to sit through a Christmas lunch with the family each year. This may be the source of the problem. Hah. We do gifts as well and pretend we're all oh so happy and get along so well. It's funny because I actually like sending holiday cards and getting little presents for my friends, nothing huge just a small thing to make them know I care, it's everything else that I don't like or care for. But you know...if you can't beat them join them, so if nothing else there's a tradition I do have and honor. My best friend and I watch this movie together each year while taking shots and listing things about the holiday season we hate. Sounds like fun right...

Pretty sure Jack doesn't sing ''the fuck is this, the fuck is that, the fuck is you'' but I prefer this version so much more. Alright, if you're in the holiday spirit, happy holidays, enjoy your favorite month, don't let nothing rain down on your parade and if you're like me...may the odds be ever in your favor, let the force be with you, stay strong guys, I'll see you on the other side.

P.S. Simple plan has a new video out, it's called Perfectly perfect, it's not that I cried because of it, I full on sobbed because of it. It is absolutely beautiful, so you maybe want to go check it out.

White

If Monday was a person, I'd gladly punch it in the face. Really. A religious friend of mine once told me that God gave us mondays to punish us for what we do on the weekends. I can't say that I don't agree. I would gladly say ''nope'' this morning. Roll over in bed and sleep. It would be nice. Nicer then the day I had, I've been called insane again today. Different reasons. Biggest one? It's crazy. Someone asked me what I ''crave'' in life and everyone around me went on a rant how they want traveling, crazy can't breathe without you kinda love, romance, so on and so on and then the guy asks me and I replied ''I don't know stability would be nice, both mental and financial, I want a job that doesn't kill me, I want to live in a non stressful environment'' and yet I'm the crazy one? See this is why I don't get along with ''children''. Aparently they don't know yet what kinda world they live in. I do. Traveling is nice and I wish I had money and time for it. And love is an amazing feeling but honestly...stability means more to me. If that makes me crazy...then so be it. I truly do live in a world full of people that don't understand me. Or is it the other way around? Maybe I don't understand other people? What's that line that Panic! at the disco used to title their fourth album? ''Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die'' I believe. That's how I feel. I honestly prefer being alone with my art and my vinyl away from everyone and everything. Sometimes I wonder if I'm missing out on ''real life'' out there. But then again...I don't think I am. I mean don't we all see living differently? Some people may think they ''live'' when they're hopping from party to party. Some people see living as fulfilling their dreams, some people see living in starting a family. We have different dreams and desires so why should our lives be the same? Seems crazy when you think about it doesn't it?

It's not even five pm yet, dark outside, I'm home alone, colored lights turned on and this album playing...life could be worse...

I hear this album is worth quite some money. Not mine though, it's not in the best condition. The cover that is, pretty banged up and the pictures that came with it are missing but the records play perfect despite the scrapes and hairlines so that's all that really matters, I don't plan on selling it anyway. I didn't even like it first time I put it in. I had to give it a second chance to properly fall in love with it. There's some fillers on it, that I still don't like to this day and I would always pick the Stones over the Beatles but I actually learned to love this album. Come on, it's the Beatles after all. So this album came out in 1968, this is my mother's copy, she had to buy it sometime in the 80's and I bet she had those missing pictures taped to her wall despite giving me a hard time for all my posters on the walls. Hey excuse me, I moved up now, my posters are framed or are concert pictures I took myself. It's basically art. Okay back to the album, it's actually selftitled album but everyone just calls it the ''white album''. I wonder where that came from. Hah. Let's be honest for a second, we all know that Bob Dylan is the most important figure in Rock n roll and the Rolling Stones are the embodiment of a rock and roll band, the Beatles are still a perfect result of everything Rock n roll really is. And this record is actually pretty awesome despite everything. Back in the USSR gives this parody vibe which quite honestly I think it's pretty cool. The songs are not in harmony at all, in fact they're in a conflict. The contrast is actually quite mind blowing. People complain, saying there's too much filler and that the album should just be a single instead of double. I'd agree once but today, I don't. It's a glorious and flawed mess and that's part of it why it's good. Messes and mistakes make us grow. I think those who love this album actually love it not because every song is a masterpiece but because even the little mistakes have their own place. Parts of it sound a little bit like solo artists, even the pictures inside...have you noticed how much more of a unit they used to be, same hairstyles, same clothes...and here you see that change for the first time. They sound different here, it's almost like you're just getting to know them. Not to mention the tension between the band was more then obvious at that point. The White album literally marks the final phase of their career since after they broke of into individual musicians. Not so sure if I should call that a catastrophy, since I absolutely adore John Lennon's solo work. Nothing and no one will ever top Imagine, best song ever written and who knows with the group intact it might not even exist. Thing is such a long mix of songs contains so many different musical genres, like folk and country and classical, they put a lot of effort in returning back to their basic rock and blues sound which they had in their earlier years and such diversity on a single album is pretty much amazing which is also the reason why there were mixed emotions about it. I think it's amazing, die hard fans probably didn't agree back then. Not that that matters since last time I checked this album sold really well since they sold over 10 million copies worldwide. I read an article once that his album was mostly written with an acoustic guitar in India and then later recorded in England which is where all the conflicts in the band really began. Aparently this was the first record where wives and girlfriends would attend, most notably, Yoko Ono. No wonder there was so much tension between McCartney and Lennon I never even met her yet I don't like her, this led to them recording in separate studios which quite honestly I hate. Band members that don't get along...it sucks. Alright, point here is the album was never received best, specially by the critics I believe the New York Times actually said it's boring beyond belief, but it's grown since then if that's possible, many people now call it their best work and with prices that come up to thousands of euros online that's not too bad either. To me personaly it's not their best, come on have you heard Sgt Pepper's? Because that one is amazing but White still holds some of their best works, ''Happiness is a warm gun'' or ''While my guitar gently weeps''. Give it a shot, let it grow on you, you might be surprised like I was.

Don't be fooled by your emptiness, there's so much more room for happiness.

''All of our gods have abandoned us.''

Do you know the empty feeling? That emptiness after you lose someone or something? The emptiness when you let go of your dreams because you're looking for other people's approval? The emptiness that hits you after you stop caring for yourself and push yourself so hard for your career or school or whatever it is that is slowly killing you...or being numb, feeling like work is unsatisfying, feeling like you're unsuccessful in everything you do, feeling like your relationship is unfulfilling and nothing is exciting anymore...you know that feeling? Do you think maybe we feel empty because we leave pieces of ourselves in everything we used to love? Or maybe people are draining us, you give so much of yourself to someone and then they just walk away...Do you ever wonder how can a person be so happy and so full of life and then suddenly so empty? Where does it all go? Do you feel like no matter what you do it will never be good enough? Like you will never be good enough? Do you know that feeling when you're in a really good mood and then there's always something, a word, a thing you see, a person, a thought, that makes you go ''oh'' and you suddenly feel empty and your chest hurts and you feel nausious like the world around you it literally falling apart. Or that feeling when you just feel too much and then nothing at the same time. Sounds crazy doesn't it?

''Hollowness: that I understand. I’m starting to believe that there isn’t anything you can do to fix it. That’s what I’ve taken from the therapy sessions: the holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mold yourself through the gaps.''

— Paula Hawkins, The Girl on the Train

But maybe, just maybe emotions should be like this. They're supposed to be brutal, strong, raw, passionate. You don't want someone to ''kinda'', ''sorta'', ''maybe'' love you, you want love that consumes you, you want it strong and wild, you want it to be a bonfire not a candle. So I guess that's why the negative emotions are just as strong. Here's the deal guys I get it. It hurts and it sucks and it feels like you're going mad and you feel like you can't take it no more. I get it, you're not alone. You feel like you're in a really dark place but I promise you there will be light as well. You're going to be alright. You need to accept that things won't be okay a while longer, then fight like hell, because someday....someday you'll be alright and all this will be a bad memory. You need to understand that being positive isn't always happy, it's knowing that things are bad but also knowing that they won't be bad forever. I promise you that one day it'll just ''click'', you'll just know. You will realize what's truly important and what isn't. You'll realize who is important and who isn't. You will learn to care less about things that don't matter, people that don't matter, things people say about you. You'll learn to care more about what YOU think of yourself because that's what truly matters after all. You'll realize how far you've come and you'll remember all the times you were a mess but recovered. And you will smile. You know why? Because you'll be proud of the person you grew up to be, the person you fought to be. Be proud of yourself, of everything you do, may it be a little thing or a big one. All this is just temporary, the pain is temporary. You know what they say about arrows right? An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards so if life is pulling you back then just look at this this way, it won't always be bad, someday you will be that arrow, aiming for greatness, all you got to do is believe and be willing to fight.

Thing is, holidays are coming up and just like each year people get into this shopping frenzy. And this family is coming over and that family is coming over and blah blah blah...you know how it goes. Well I hate it. Not the holidays itself, I don't mind if you like to celebrate then by all means do it. What I hate is the shopping malls that are basically forcing you to buy buy buy and all I think about is what about those people who have nothing? Who can't afford their children gifts? How must they be feeling looking at all this? It's absolutely disgusting and unfair. How about people suffering from whatever illness? They're spending holidays in hospitals, there's nothing ''jolly'' about the holidays for them. Or of course people that don't have family. People that miss their family and people who don't get along with their families. Not everybody lives in a Hallmark card. There are kids out there and grown ups for who the holidays are nothing but anxious and stressful events.

Which brings us to my point. I know that things can get hard during these days, so if you feel awful, empty, hopless, if you feel like crying that's alright, if you want someone to listen, I'm here, I don't care if we know eachother or not, I'll listen and do anything I can to make you feel a little less awful. You are not alone.

You can always email me *baby_im_a_monster@hotmail.com* or if you want to be annonymous leave me an ask on my tumblr *sweetchildofrocknroll.tumblr.com* don't be afraid to come talk, I don't care if we never talked before you can come and rant about your day if it makes you feel better, I'll be here to listen, because lord knows that's all we need sometimes someone to listen and care. A friend to help us through.

Stay safe out there guys, be kind and look after eachother.

You only hear the music, when your heart begins to break.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell am I even doing with my life. Sitting on tumblr reblogging the same pictures of my favorite band members, fawning over their guitar skills, voice, or plain and shallow their looks. Then I remember how music is the only thing making me feel alive, safe, happy. I remember how when everything is out of control and crazy and my head in a storm, those bands are the only thing that calm it all down. I remember I'm one of those kids raised by their music not their parents. There's so many bands that literally grew up with me. We all ''grew'' together, we changed together. There's bands that have been in my life longer then any friend has been. There's bands that I can honestly say saved my life, and it sounds cliche it's something all the ''kids'' are saying these days but it's the honest truth. I felt completly alone in the world more then once, I felt like I was going crazy, I felt like all hope is lost. I still feel that way sometimes and the bands, the music is the only comfort. The only ones I feel really understand me. And let me tell you something, it's an amazing feeling when a musician with their lyrics tells excatly what you feel, when you can't speak yourself. It's an amazing feeling when a song can bring up so many memories, of a place, of a time, of a person...and you know people change, people grow, things change, times change, our lives change but that song it's always the same and memories to it always remain. It's quite extraordinary when you think about it. I grew up thinking there's a certain way I need to behave, certain way I have to look, pick a career that I'll hate all my life but it's alright because it's a good kind of occupation, get married and have kids before I'm 25, go to the same vacation spot by the sea each year, drink coffee with my neighbors every saturday morning, because that's ''the right thing to do''. The stereotype people live by here. My musicians opened up my eyes to a world beyond that. They made me think. ''Do I want to be normal?''. No, there is a better way. I'm not saying it's always easy. There are days when I wish I was just like everybody else, average, ''happy'' with my ordinary life. It just doesn't work that way does it? I want it all, love, passion, travel, experiences, art, music, poetry, dreams...and above all I want to live, breathe, be free, because honestly, right now, I don't feel too free...but here's what helps...

You know what people say? ''When the music hits you, you feel no pain?'' it's the truth. A live show is just amazing. When those musicians you're fawning over online suddenly aren't pictures anymore, but living breathing people, right in front of you, and in a room full of people where it doesn't matter where you're from, what color your skin is or what religion you are, you are all conected because you love the same music. And then there are always moments, when the singer stops singing and let's the audience scream their lyrics back at them as loud as they can and there's the biggest smile on their face...those are the moments I live for. And these are some of my favorite memories. Some of the happiest nights of my life. Some of the saddest too, saying goodbye to Motley Crue was not easy for me. Some of the moments that changed my life forever. Like seeing my favorite band live for the first time, a feeling I can't describe, or seeing someone I admired for so long finally stand in front of me and it's even better then you could possibly dream of. What I'm trying to say is...someone once told me they admire my love or better yet passion for my music, that they could never love something as much as I love it. And they were right. And I wish everyone would find something they love as much, something that makes them feel as happy and as safe and as content. Or someone that is. You all deserve to feel that feeling.

And in that spirit...

You know I'm a big Bon Jovi fan right? Growing up their music was constantly playing either in my mothers car or stereo, she was downright obsessed with them, specially the song ''Bed of roses'', I still hate it to this day. Don't get me wrong, beautiful song but the fact that I had to hear it about ten million times did what it did. And I was lucky enough to catch two of their shows, in Croatia back in 2011 with Richie Sambora and then again in Milan in 2013 with Phil X, which I still believe was the best concert I've ever seen. Next to the Boss of course. But here's some truth that you're not going to like *if you're a die hard fan that is*...I don't like their new album ''This house is not for sale'' one bit. I don't know what really went down between them and Richie and honestly it's none of our business, I hope they work it out somehow for the sake of their friendship not the band. But here's the deal, I think Richie is not replacable. Yes Phil has mad skills and he's an amazing guitar player but he's no Richie Sambora. Something feels off. The sound, the voice, the melodies, the energy between the boys. I don't even know, I can't pin point the problem but something is not right. This new sound with all the keyboards sounds more pop then rock and I can't swallow that down...safe to say it will not be joining my cd collection and in case you're wondering, I own every single album on cd. I'll be listening to this one instead...

So the debut album huh? Early days of hair metal...when music was still music. Yeah the songs are simple and the lyrics are no masterpiece but honestly the songs are pure hard rock and they are amazing. They have soul, they have passion and they are good. So maybe this album didn't sell as good as the rest did *which debut ever does?* but I feel like it made a statment. A statment that they are meant for greatness and that they are here to stay, and obviously it's true. I always loved the way Jon put so much of himself in their songs, in their lyrics, they're honest and they're beautiful. The album opens with Runaway which not enough people know, I swear everyone around me still believes Living on the prayer is their first single, *sigh* I live with savages. Well it's not, Runaway is and it's such a cool, catchy song, pretty sure that was also the song that made a statment on all the charts and got A LOT of radio play. To me it still sounds exciting and new and fun all those years later, maybe because now no radio plays it anymore, they're focused on It's my life, Living on a prayer, Always, Bed of roses and Have a nice day and that's it. Those are great songs but ignoring all the rest is so missing out on the music genius that is Bon Jovi, like Stick to your guns or Living in sin from New Jersey those are such good songs. Anyway back to the self titled debut...you've got Roulette which is hard rock at it's finest and really shows Richie's amazing skills as a guitar player. Then you got Shot through the heart, who doesn't know that one? It might be a little cliche but they made it sound perfect none the less. Thing is what I love about this album it's that it starts on this kinda sad note but they change it around towards the end without making it sound abrupt and if that aint talent and basically screaming their musical abilities then I don't know what will. Point is, if you like the sound on Slippery when wet *coughbadboyscough* and you aren't just into the big over played hits then pick this one up and give it a chance, it really is a great record, amazing classic rock and I promise you a million times better then all the crap the radio, tv and society is force feeding us lately.

P.S. Did you notice how David Bryan is credited as David Rashbaum on this one? Oh and also, Metallica's Hardwired to Self destruct came out last friday and honestly you need to check that one out because that...woah...no words, it's mindblowing.

Runaway

Sometimes I don't know what to write about, or better yet as my family puts it what to complain about. That I'm going bankrupt because of cartridges? Do you know how expensive printing is these days? I have a photo printer, it's meant to print photography amongst other things and lately for school alone I used up three sets of god damn cartridges. I am honestly going to send them a bill one of these days. I'm not made of money. This is completly insane. I wouldn't even complain but the thing is they are literally having me copy text word per word out of my text book and print it out and that's that. Like you don't even have to be smart to pass school here, you just need to copy someone elses inteligence correct. Is this a joke? Honestly? I'm so done. SO done. And all those years of education and nobody teaches us to love ourselves and eachother and stop with the god damn hate and judgment and self loathing. Don't you think that's more important then I don't know fractions? Happier, healthier kids that grow up knowing how to love themselves and people around them? Kids that grow up into respectful adults, that are good, that don't know what backstabbing is, kids that help someone instead of pushing them down more. Guess my parents were right when they told me I'm basically a reincarnation of John Lennon. A dreamer. I dream of a world that can never happen. I am homesick for a place that doesn't exist, a place where I am happy, my heart is full, my body is loved and my soul understood. I am homesick for a feeling I never even had. A feeling of acceptance. I'm getting homesick for that thing that always made me feel like a trap. A white picket fence house, with a golden retriever and a prius parked outside. Truth do be told, my generation can't even afford a rent much less a house. I get so frustrated when older people shit on us how we're lazy, how we're stupid, how the system they grow up in was shit. Are you kidding me right now?! For real? You had free schools, free health care, you had rent or house payments maybe twenty bucks a month, you could go on vacation three times a year. Jobs were lined up after you finished school. You had every oppurtunity all you had to do was be willing to work. And what do we have? Nothing. Schools are too expensive, health care is too expensive, house or apartment you may as well forget about it. Vacation? Yeah with my finger across the map and that's it. A job? Haha that's funny. Why are we obsessed with phones - social media? It's a cheap way to ''hang out'' with your friends, most of us don't have the time or money to actually go out. You work all day and for what? Surely not to have some benefits from it. Obession with food? That was a good one. Of course we're obssesed with Nutella and pizza and beer it's the last bit of comfort we can afford, anything else? Not an option. You give us crap for not wanting children. Well for crying out loud we can't afford children. Why have kids if you can't even pay rent? For fuck sake. Why do I draw or have any other weird hobbies? Well isn't it obvious? Trying to make money and save money any way I can. Cynicism, anxiety, depression...hah we literally have to take up group fundraising collections for things like emergency expenses, health care, rent, house - car payments. Truth is we're all broke and it's driving us insane. So couple of years ago selfie was named as the word of the year and everyone threw a fit how it's the death of english language, because you know god forbid modern terminology considered as valid. People consider the millenials as the most selfish , lazy, shallow and narcisstic generation. Selfish to a point where the fact that you feel good and take a selfie can sum up your entire selfishness. Aparently we are consumed with ourselves and everything always has to be about us. They say all we care about is us, facebook, instagram, partying, having fun, doing nothing with our lives. And I call this bullshit okay. Every year school tuitions go up by at least 2% if not more, these generations now have the highest depression and anxiety levels then any generation before us. Little less then 50% of us won't get a job for over a year after school and even then it doesn't mean it's going to be a good job. This generation is in average 47,000$ in debt. Which is beyond insane. Who created this debt? None od us did. What did I do, commit credit card fraud? Please...I find it beyond crazy that everyone of us is considered in debt. I read an article the other day, every baby that is born here is already 5000 euros in debt. I can't even begin to process this information. What's the baby's crime? Being born? Madness. Almost 100% of people in my generation have had, will have or are suffering from an eating disorder. Like are you crazy? How are we standing by letting this happen? Almost 60% of girls struggle with thinking that they are the wrong weight, that they need bigger breasts, tinier waist, narrower nose...and you know why? Because there is a multi million or even billion I don't know, industry out there that keeps force feeding us this crap. That we're not good enough, that we're not pretty enough, that we're not skinny enough, that we will never make it, that we're lazy and stupid, that we've got nothing to be stressed enough. Everything they have to say to be successful. They don't care about pushing all of us down for their own success. And it's disgusting. Here's what I have to say to all of that, fuck them, pick your favorite filter, take a million of selfies, pretty, funny, goofy, whatever kind of selfies you want, and post them anywhere you want to, post them all if you want, spam the people, because you deserve to feel good about yourself, to feel enough, to feel beautiful. You deserve it considering the times you grew up in. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be positive and stress free and have a job you actually like. You deserve vacation and traveling and you deserve your own house or apartment with a god damn dog and a fat cat sleeping at the edge of your bed. Seriously we all deserve a little breathing room because honestly I'm so tired and so stressed and I am so done being told how much better we have it now and how bad the system used to be. Don't start that with me, you can't win. I am beyond frustrated and beyond angry and the worst part? I really don't see the way out. This is just one more of those things about me that people just don't understand. I'm not bitter or angry, well maybe a little, but what I really am is hopless and lost and confused and tired. Which is why I always say that now the only people I care to be around are artists, people like me who see the bigger picture and people who have suffered, who hadn't had it easy, those people know what beauty is, that life goes beyond petty little things we worry about. Those people know grief and sorrow and hoplessness. Nobody else interests me anymore. I don't have time for people that are grown ups but aren't grown up. You know what I mean? Lacking maturity. I don't have time for ''teenage drama'' that's just not me. And there were too many people like that in my life but I take comfort in knowing that they're no longer around and I take comfort in knowing that they think they know me based on who I was and based on what they read but guess what? They're left with this version of me that doesn't exist anymore. She was happier yeah and probably more fun but she was also dumber and naiive and I am glad I am no longer like that. I am honestly happy that all they have is a distant memory because I've changed and grown and they wont get the chance to know the better me, this newer version of me I've become while they were away. And you know what? It's their loss. And most of all I am glad to be around people who when I call them upset don't tell me ''oh maybe I can come around later this week'' but come over with a baseball bat saying ''someone's gon' get it''. Don't dwell on people that don't matter, focus on those who do instead, you'll be a lot happier. And remember no matter what crap people are saying, what the magazine is telling you. You.are.enough. You are beautiful the way you are. You don't need a fake tan and big boobs and a tiny waist, people who love you, love you for who you are not what you look like, and if they don't...well honey, they aren't even worth your trouble.

This is so not the way I wanted this blog to go to today but I got carried away with my frustrations. There's plenty of those so don't worry I'll have enough to write about if you stick around. Enjoy your weekend guys, I'll see you on monday with a little music recommendation.

P.S. Let me just share this before I go, because I was giggling for good two minutes when I read it...

''Take me to art museums and make out with me.''

''But they said to not touch the masterpieces.''

''Well somebody’s gotta pin the artwork to the wall''

What kind of a world do we live in?

This week has been an emotional rollercoaster. Probably more down's then up's too. The only thing keeping me sane is literally Bucky Barnes and Doctor Strange *I might be a bit of a geek yes, but Civil war and Doctor Strange are such good movies, well all of them are but this two happen to be my favorites* and the fact that I managed to rescue a kitty last night. After I spent an hour crying thinking I'd have to leave him out in the cold, but thanks to our shelter that came to pick him up in the middle of the night that is sorted. It's a no kill shelter as well and the cat was too adorable so I'm sure he'll find a new home in no time. It doesn't take much guys, a little random act of kindness, we should all learn how to be kind to eachother because the world is too dark as is. Kindness is all we have left. We're all the same, we don't need to treat eachother badly. We need to learn love and respect. Kindness begins with understanding we all struggle. You don't know the things someone is dealing with on the inside, untill you get to know that person. A friend once told me that I should radiate as much love as possible because love is like rain and we're all flowers in the desert. And he was right. Each day is a new opportunity, we should do good, be kind, be nice, help someone, smile to a stranger, be a friend to someone, encourage someone, care about someone, feed a hungry animal, pet a stray, let your words make a difference and heal not wound. But be cautious, be kind and gracious but don't let people take your kindness as your weakness, leave the beast inside you asleep not dead. You never know when you'll need it to come out and fight. Because no matter what you do, no matter how good you are, there are still people out there that will do the exact opposite. And though I believe love is stronger then hate, you still can't hug the hate out of someone.

So all that aside, I finished two drawings in the past week, that's all I do at night lately. Sleeping is an option I'm not getting so I best keep busy somehow...

That first one would be Norman Reedus, took me about twenty hours and I'm still not completly happy with it, or better yet the left hand. I really suck at drawing hands and it shows, that's why I've been trying to draw more of them lately. Practice makes perfect right? I couldn't draw faces and eyes like I do now way back when as well...for this one I used Kohinoor graphite pencils B, 2B and 4B, Derwents shading tool and blender, Faber Castells pencil eraser and a white ballpoint pen.

Second one is a portrait of Benedict Cumberbatch as Doctor Strange. I love Ben he did such an amazing job with this part and I had so much fun drawing him. Even if I struggle with color portraits. About 25 hours of work all together, Faber Castell polychromos, Kohinoor pencils B, 2B, 6B, I used pencils for the hair instead of black color pencils because it just looks nicer. Markers on the suit to blend the colors better and white ballpoint pen for some details. I hope you enjoy, I know it's not perfect but I'm trying. It's still only a part time activity that I love but hold no illusions that I could live of it.

Now. Back to the reason why I even write posts on mondays. I skipped my ''music monday'' more then once and it's about time I get back to it. With a record that's currently playing in my player...

Nashville Skyline is Dylan's 9th album, some people say it's also his best album. No arguing here since it's my favorite. It has the song Lay lady lay which is the only song in his recording history to hit top ten. I guess you could say he wasn't afraid to experiment a little bit, or pick up something from Johnny Cash since this record is completly different from anything he's done. It's missing the whole ''whiny''voice and the harmonica and *please don't shoot me* that's excatly what I like most. This was recorded and released in 1969 and I believe there's plenty Dylan was inspired by. In 1968 both Martin Luther King and Robert Kennedy were assassinated, there were riots and political protests going on in major cities. Richard Nixon was sworn into the office at the begining of 1969. And I suppose at the time Dylan was a leading cultural figure, since he's been pretty vocal when it came to social and political commentary.

We all know that Dylan is a special kind of person, from his ''diva tantrums'' to his latest Nobel prize drama which by the way I still feel nobody is more deserving, because his lyrics are absolutely amazing. Except maybe the Boss, but that's a whole different story. Thing is that Dylan didn't give a damn about recording a masterpiece, he did his own thing not concerned with how it'll play out, but I think that's excatly what he did with this record. A masterpiece. I love the duet Girl from the North Country, the way Johnny's and Dylan's voice blend together is just amazing. People said the way they sing different lyrics or phrase the same words differently while singing together bothers them but I actually absolutely love that. I love the songs Peggy day and Country pie, they're upbeat and a little easier. Thing is Dylan's music is known to be complicated, for more ''educated listeners'' and this is sort of a new insight of Dylan's songwriting. Sure these songs may not be one of Dylan's best songs he's ever written but they are still great songs. Point is he is one of the greatest songwriters that ever lived, which the Nobel prize now also confirmed. I suppose the only thing I don't particulary like is that it's only 27 minutes long. I could listen to this music a hell of a lot longer then just 27 minutes. The record made at the height of hippie love, anti war movment, politics and social issues, Dylan wasn't out to send a message or lost in his own art, trying to be the voice of the generation. He wasn't concerned with popularity or fame. He was in the midst of inspiration and clarity that the south has offered and that is what created this never before heard ''country rock'' style album. Why did he go to Nashville in the first place? I think the anwser to that question is Johnny Cash. God I wish I could see them talking about working together. And then actually work together. Man, had to be an amazing sight. Anyways, I enjoy this record more then anything else Dylan put out, give it a chance, take a listen, it's only 27 minutes of your life, and they can be 27 minutes of pure magic.