Thunder road

It's been a while since I wrote about the love of my life. I know you're about sick of him at this point but then, do I really care? About as much as I care about people complaining over black background and moving pictures at the side.

It's barely Monday morning and I am already done with this week. Not feeling so great, dealing with people that make you want to tear all your hair out, sigh, it's been a lot of crap lately. So instead of moping about it I decided to put on an album, by my favorite guy and just tell the world to fuck off. Like All time low sing ''paint the walls black and scream fuck the world cuz it's my life...'' or something along those lines. Though to be honest I haven't felt like it's my life in a while. Everyone else is running it these days but me.

So the album is meant as a book companion. I was over the moon when getting it because one of my favorite songs is on ''The River'' and you don't want to see the actual condition of my The River album or the scrapes on it. Severly overplayed. Like, it's been through a couple of storms okay, it's got some history, but I love it just the way it is. Even if I had to scrape my mom's ex boyfriends name off Bruce's Cheek. What kinda animal writes their name on record sleeves in the first place? Or let me phrase that better, what kinda animal signs their name over the entire face of the musician instead of putting it in a corner or some shit?

So the book, I read it of course, twice, once in English and then later the translated version too. But my favorite is actually an audio book. I know I know, I keep saying that those are no books but honestly, the audio book is read by the Boss himself so excuse me if I'm enjoying it a bit too much. That voice! I am done for. Very calming if you're stressed and can't sleep. It's hogging a huge portion of space on my iPod but you know what the hell, it's worth it.

I loved the book from the first moment I picked it up. Of course not just because of the previously unseen pictures (given that my family always asks me how can I be reading a book with no pictures, ha ha, very funny guys) but also because there's something so relatable in it. Bruce's fight with depression, an on going battle really, and the effect that music has had on him. Bruce described his depression with “My depression was spewing like an oil spill over the beautiful turquoise green gulf of my carefully planned existence,” and that was a really brilliant way to put it, it really does feel something like that. That was back in the 80's and given how these stories end up these days we can only thank god for his very blunt manager, Jon Landau who without sugarcoating told him that he needs professional help.

Random but did you know he actually hates the name ''Boss''? I always found it amazing, I mean just look at it, how many musicians out there are called ''the boss'' or have as much influence and respect as he does? Or can write song lyrics that are basically a movie script on it's own? Or even preform for up to 4 hours per night? Probably not that many huh.

I've been gritting my teeth with jealousy these days watching him on Broadway (nevermind how badly I'd want to see Bruce Springsteen on Broadway live but the fact that it's in New York aside fucking tickets go from 851 to 2039 euros on a local web site? What the fuck?) meeting fans after the show, taking pictures, hugging them, talking to them. Must be an amazing feeling no? I'd give just about anything to meet him even if for just a minute. Given that I wouldn't completly choke up or make a complete idiot of myself.

There's another quote on depression he writes about, well there's plenty of them really but there's a few that stuck out to me, he is writing about a road trip with a friend, stopping at a small town fair, when, “From nowhere, a despair overcomes me; I feel an envy of these men and women and their late summer ritual, the small pleasures that bind them and this town together. Now, for all I know these folks may hate this one-dog dump and each other’s guts and be screwing one another’s husbands and wives like rabbits. Why wouldn’t they? But right now, all I can think of is that I want to be amongst them, of them, and I can’t. I can only watch.”. So relatable, I find myself watching people, people I know nothing about, people that seem to have it all and seem happiest they could be and I feel despair because I know that will never be me. That will never be my life.

And it's just like he said, for all I know they can be the most miserable sons of bitches on this planet but it's the outer facade that's appealing. It's the idea. And it's knowing that you can never be a part of it.

Depression still breathes down his neck though, just as it is on the rest of us. I wonder are you ever completly free of it? Completly cured? Point is, it's music that helps him. Here's where we connect most, his biggest cure it's preforming, my biggest cure is listening to him.

So this album...mostly old songs we all know but it also contains five previously unreleased songs. You can actually see it, first two albums he put out were more young, had this teenage wibe to them, where on ''Born to run'' you can see him growing up and getting further away from teenage topics. Just as Thunder road sings ''Maybe we aint that young anymore''. Did you know I always wanted a tattoo saying ''Thunder road''? I never got it because I'd like it to be in his handwriting and since I never met him I never got the chance to ask him for it. Maybe someday. This album though as a companion album to Springsteen’s autobiography, Born to Run, had each song handpicked by The Boss himself to represent a different theme or part of the book. Which if you ask me makes Chapter and Verse a bit different them The essential Bruce Springsteen. It's simple to follow the story here too, ''My fathers house'' clearly a song about his difficult relationship with his father which covers A LOT of pages in the book and the happier song ''Living proof'' which makes it clear that his bond with his children will be (and it is) completly different. The rest are more career wise and not so personal but then the line between personal and his music is quite blurred since his songs are very personal.

I guess from ''Born to run'' on music got serious, he sang about politics, war, ''men with death in their eyes'', injustice on this planet, life in general. He's not just a musician he's a poet. A genius. This album represents just that. Not only him as the genius that he is but also his growth as a songwriter as well as an musician from basically a rebelious teen to an adult. I suppose the new five songs make sense you know. It's logical why he never felt the need before to share them, they feel somehow like an experiemt of a sorts. Like Bruce trying out different leather jackets and seeing which one fits best. And of course ''He's guilty'' is a song by his first band called Steel Mill. Would you believe that up untill as recent as reading the book I had no idea there was another band? Shame on me.

It's not that my mind was blown or anything while listening to these songs. I mean they are great no question there but they aren't listening to ''Big guns'' for the first time. Yes my go to reference, because putting on that Skid Row selftitled album for the first time my mind was blown away. I was done for, love on the first note. I was though however really shocked (in a good way) by the song ''Ballad of Jesse James'' that one was woah! Firstly the line ''Don't you wanna be an outlaw, children?'' hah a line worthy of tattooing on my ass right under another musicians name that's already there, don't ask, it really is a dumb story. But also the song is great the way he referenced Jesse James, he knew he's going to be big someday not to mention this song is the closest fitting jacket if you know what I mean. Guitars sound more like they do on Darkness at the edge of town (which I still don't have wtf?).

So the album could really be called a compilation, that is as well as a compilation of songs as is a compilation of events past to present an overview of the Bosses life. Od course if you own ''Growing up'', ''My fathers house'', and ''Wrecking ball'' (honestly most of us big fans do, don't bother asking how many CD's I own, too many, only missing more of his work on vinyl) you pretty much have this entire album.

The only difference here is of course that if you want to find out if the album actually represents what is supposed to be the story of one of the greatest songwriters ever then you'll actually have to read the book. Hah. Bruce you smart devil. Though, I know my opinion is biased being slightly in love with the man and his work, I can tell you the book is one of the best autobiographies I've read and I've read plenty of them. One of which I enjoyed so much was also Sebastian Bach's, jeesh that man used to be all kinds of crazy. Gotta love him though. The chapter on Moscow peace festival? Yeah that one was great. Or him getting stoned with Lars Ulrich and forgetting to meet his grandmother that comes to pick him up then at Lars' house. Histerical. Bosses book isn't funny like that but it's honest and emotional and raw and it makes you understand the man behind the music that much more.

And who knows maybe you learn to love him at least 20% as much as me. Enjoy the rest of your week guys, hope it's better then mine is turning out to be. Here's a piece of my art from 2 years ago. Lord knows lately I haven't been able to put a decent drawing together, so enjoy this one instead.

P.S. How amazing are those inner sleeve pics? I want them ALL on posters. Hah.

...and when you're feeling empty keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest, leave out all the rest.

It's July 20th. Meaning today marks a year. A year since this world lost a musical icon. A legend. A great man. Chester Bennington. And there aint a social media portal today that I could go to without seeing his face all over. I didn't expect today to be easy, not only as a fan, but also as his death opened up so many old wounds. So much heartbreak that I thought I was done with for good. But fact is there are other things completly unrelated that have gone wrong in my life since he died that aren't making this entire thing any easier. Ever since it happened I can't shake the feeling that my life is a house of cards, slowly collapsing into itself because honestly anything I touch goes up in flames these days.

Life can be so cruel sometimes. And vile. And unjust. And the ones that deserve better are always hit the worst. Someone who is good and kind and honest and helps people will surely be taken advantage of or treated unfairly. And so was he. He was the last person on this planet that deserved what happened to him.

Today we should look back and remember all the good, the positive, the love, life and laughter he gave us. Not the pain and heartbreak. He wouldn't want that. He would want nothing but positivity. And honestly? I can't say I honored that in the past year. I remember writing down a promise. Saying that I'll be strong and that I'll keep on fighting and that I'll keep my light strong if not for me then for him and I am so sorry for letting him down. I wasn't strong and I wasn't fighting. I was a complete and utter disaster for the past six months.

But that doesn't mean I can't try harder from now on. Find that strength that music once gave me within me and try harder to pick up all the broken pieces and try again. Life can't always be bad right? No matter how hopless it may seem…what's that saying again? ''one can find brightness in the darkest of times if they only remember to turn on the light''? something along those lines anyways…

There's people in my life I lost, years back and only just recently, and the pain of losing them is about a million times worse then losing Chazz was, but still. In times like these, dark, that seem to have no way out, his music would be what would soothe me, make me feel better, less alone, less afraid, now I can't stomach an entire album without wanting to cry. I love his voice so much, I love his lyrics so much but they sound so alien these days.

It's so hard to process it's already been a year. How is that even possible? I feel like it's been a week maybe, a month at the most, still half hoping for a miracle that will never come. It's been a year since I actually listened to them too, I'm not saying a song on the radio, I never turn that off, but actually sat down and listened to an entire album. And the crazy part is I miss their music despite not being able to listen to it. How crazy is that?

I don't need music though to be fair. I grew up with this band, one of my mom's friends gave me their first two albums when I was nine years old. I can hear his voice in my head loud and clear if I close my eyes, I listened to them non stop. Everyone pretty much hated the band around me because of it. When dad and I were in Berlin for the first time together, it was around the time ''Minutes to midnight'' came out, we listened to it non stop. We drove there in his brand new car and it's about eleven hours of driving and literally we only listened to Minutes to midnight and Bon Jovi's Lost highway the entire time with some radio in between. Fond memory of a better life that I miss so much now.

That had to be the first album by Linkin park my dad actually liked, he used to tell me how all my music is too much screaming and too much depression and I always told him that my music only reflects me. That Chesters voice is what sooths me, heals me, inspires me. That the band changed me in so many ways that I can't even explain.

And today I am not so sure what to do with that fact. Those feelings. I feel grateful because on a planet this old, somehow I got to be alive same time as them, experiencing falling in love with a band for the first time. Lord knows there's been many more bands I fell in love after them hah. And grateful for inspiring me and influencing me and just making me believe not all is lost and that love still remains out there at times that seemed most hopless.

And even though those are nothing but positive feelings my heart hurts knowing there's all there is to it. I won't ever get to experience this all over again. I won't ever see him again. I won't ever drive to Berlin with dad again, signing the songs out loud on the way home because we memorised them all. And that? That hurts more then I can put into words. It's just pain pain pain. And confusion. Why? Why did it have to happen? What did Chazz sing? ''and you're angry and you should be, it's not fair'' no it really isn't.

My heart is just completly broken and I don't know how to fix this feeling. Maybe I'm waiting for that sappy fairytale ending you know…a guy comes along and puts together all the broken pieces and mends them. As if. A princess doesn't need a prince for her happily ever after if you ask me. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't need help every now and then. Ironically usually when going through the worst heartbreak you can imagine you can at least count on family to be there…well…not me.

Point is a piece of my heart is missing, not just because of Chester but also because of a ton of other things that I mentioned without properly explaining, I'm sorry,it's private and it's painful.

I can only say that he helped me once again, without even being here. There's been bad things that happened to me in the past six months, things done to me by people I trusted most, people that knew just how to hurt me and what to do make it hurt as much as possible. And it made me hateful and vengeful and angry and bitter. And also blind. I was like a guard dog ready to attack all teeth and blood without thinking. But then I remembered ''hate, pride, vengeance and fear are the plague of the earth. Love, kindness, compassion, empathy and service to others are the cure.''.

It made me stop dead in my tracks. As much as these people would deserve and have it coming, everything that I wish could happen to them, it's just not worth it, it's not worth me turning hateful and bitter. It's not worth it. Karma will fuck them over in the end. They don't deserve any love and compassion or kindness and empathy, but I also don't deserve turning into something I'm not because of them.

''The one thing that can't be defeated is love right? You can conquer hate by ignoring it, you can destroy it by loving the person next to you. So I want everybody here tonight to look at the person standing next to you and just tell them you love them and that you are happy that they are here with you tonight having a good time. Listening to music. Celebrating life. We don't care what you look like, we don't care where you come from, we don't care what you believe in. We love every single one of you out there and nothing will ever change that. With that said let's sing some songs together.''

Rest in peace angel, I miss you so much. And to the rest of my LP family, as well as Chris Cornell fans, I'm sending you all my love tonight.

Ja nemam noć da spavam

This is one of those posts where I sit back and write about a local event. Or better yet complain about people on local events. Same event as last year. And people as horrible as they were last year. Maybe I'm uptight or missing out on something but I just really don't understand what's the point of going to a concert to get drunk. Unless if you don't really go to a concert but you go to get drunk and the band on stage is just some…distraction?

Have these people ever thought about how rude that is to the bands? Like for real, this is their job, they stand there, they put their hearts into the show and this is how the crowd repays them? So fucking wasted that the next morning when you ask them what they were listening to they have no clue? Confusing. Also don't think I'm uptight, I had like three drinks last night too but I was nowhere near drunk.

Last year the festival hosted a ton of local bands as always and also of course some big names such as Airbourne, Samantha Fox and Ugly kid joe and of course there were tickets. People lost it over the fact that they had to buy tickets (I get it, who buys tickets to go to a ''bar'' and get drunk) so you can imagine how different the situation is this year when it's all free. Deep sigh. Humans. The worst kind of animals there are. I doubt anyone of them ever heard the words ''drink responsible''. Also ladies, girls way younger then me, there is absolutely nothing attractive or cool about being drunk. Really there isn't. You can get attention any other way not by acting like a drunk bimbo. And if not then those you're seeking attention from are not worth it. Also guys, buying me a drink or throwing me a stupid pick up line doesn't mean a free pass into my skinny jeans. Just saying.

The festival started early. And the first band that played were a trio from Italy called Dobermann. Not a band I knew that well before mind you, I heard of them and knew some of the songs but I wasn't that informed, but I was like ''what the hell they're a rock band so why not''. Maybe I should point out that when they came on stage the venue was completly empty there were maybe 10 of us in the front, 2 of us in the first row, the rest all hung by the bars (see what I'm on about?).

I loved them though. They have no record label no booking agency and no management and yet they put out three albums plus an EP and played over 650 shows in the past 7 years. Now if that aint amazing then I don't know what is. They have this rock n' roll sound. A guitar player to die for, a drummer that will melt your teeth and the bass player that sings perfectly and spits fire while doing so. Honey I was sold after the first song. Perfection. They also played a song that hasn't even been recorded yet asking us to please not record it (lol) and I gotta say it was a really great song, but then again they all were. Nevermind my screaming when they did the cover of Van Halens Hot for teacher. I love LOVE that song.

Of course my friends were like ''god, Nikki you're so predictable it hurts, it's not the music you like is it? It's the leather, cowboy boots and that Bon Jovi hair''. Not. It's the music I like. Though you know leather and big hair doesn't harm. Ha ha ha. While we're at it, I'm going to share a link, the boys have a chance to play with Kiss and it can only happen with enough votes, so if you'd be so kind, can you please vote for them? Thank you.

http://www.TheKISSKruise.com/Soundcheck

Now. Of course there was a reason I was there on a Thursday not Saturday when the big finale with amazing water and light show and fireworks is. Nikki is only loyal like this to one band. That she saw play about a million times too. Ha! My boys Šank rock were playing and as per usual I was in the front row losing my mind, did I mention my voice is a bit shot today? Or that I seem to entertain the security with my screaming and crying and singing along? It's a blessing and a curse to know the lyrics to basically all of the songs ever written. Well songs that matter to me anyways.

I already mentioned that the first time seeing them I was less then a year old, sleeping through the entire show, actually I've been told that I somehow managed to sleep through a lot of very loud rock shows when I was a kid. Suppose nobody could see it coming, my current obsession with rock musicians I mean. No wait, not an obsession, dedication.

My boys are the crowds absolute favorites, you can tell, the ''teachers pet'' or however you call it. This festival has been going on for the past 54 years, first time they played on stage was in 1992 (they were the ones that brought rock music to the festival in the first place) and they've pretty much played it each year, excluding a few occasions when they split up for a while. Have I mentioned lately how damn happy I am that they are back together? My god my life would be miserable without having the chance every now and then to sing along to my favorite local band.

Don't doubt that I have that entire preformance from 1992 on my external hard drive (ripped from an actual VHS tape) and don't doubt I've seen it about one hundred fucking times. Yup. It's perfect I swear. Leather and long hair? I die a little each time I watch it.

Of course the crowds favorites shows when everyone knows every word to every song and howls it along. My hair always goes up when I hear hundreds of people screaming the lyrics back to the singer. One of my favorite moments always. When the singer sings one line then lets the crowd carry on…that's just amazing. Actually, wait, this shows favorite moment was another one. A moment in which they finally after 26 years got a bra thrown on stage again. As well as some male underwear (not that they got nearly as much excitment as that bra did, which by the way is already in a special place) with someone in the crowd yelling ''I swear they're clean''.

Who's got the best party, who's got the company of real rockers, who's making us fly like eagles and live in a fairytale? My guys do of course. I'd say they played all my favorites last night but honestly, there aint a song they put out that I wouldn't LOVE. Like their song says ''there's no happiness without rock n roll'' and that's true, I'd be damn miserable without it too. Come to think of it, in the last eleven or twelve months I saw them play three times, once actually paying for a hotel in another town in my own country. Guys, if that aint dedication then I don't know what is.

Speaking of screaming and ''losing it'', if there's one thing you don't want, then you DON'T want to be next to me at their shows. Ask my family and friends. They hate it. Hah. screaming, howling the lyrics, headbanging…you know the works and I suppose I won't even mention what happens when the guitarist plays his famous solo. No really, I'm fine. Just a bit dead. He's out of this world.

Just the other day mother asked me if I'm on a mission to turn as many people as I can into fans. Well…hah. The more the merrier? I might have…uh ''infected'' a couple of people with them so far? But really, they should thank me. All I did was open their world to a completly new and unknown music.

Now before I wrap this up and go to bed, literally I went to bed at four am and got up at eight. Errands wait for no one and I am pretty sure that I'm only alive right now because of one too many cups of coffee I drank to get me through the day. Last year around the same time, in August I saw them play on a charity concert and a day after another one of my favorites, as a solo act, the band he used to be in broke up back in 93', I wrote this in the post last August…

''Sokoli played their last show in 1993 somewhere in Austria where a local reporter said that they as a band are too big for such a small country. Completly true. We have so much talent in this country and they have little to no chance in making it to the big times.''

Why am I telling you this? Tomorrow, on the finale of the festival, same band Sokoli, is playing their first (only?) reunion show. And though I won't actually be there I am excited about it. A rather big deal for our music scene.

Alright then, I'm exhausted, coffee is wearing off so I think I'm gonna go crash, meaning fall into bed face first and not move a muscle untill morning. Hah. Good night guys, have a great weekend.

Cheers!

Running on empty.

I started and deleted this blog about eight times now. It's not that I had something important to say and didn't know how, it's that I don't even know how to start normal everyday things. Lately I can't write. Well there's a great many things that I can't seem to do right lately. It's like I'm broken. Incompetent. Lost. Numb.

And the worst part is I don't know how to fix myself. I don't know how to ''unfuck'' myself if you know what I mean. I don't know how long does it take after a traumatic event to put yourself back together. How do you live? How do you breathe? How do you even begin to put your life back in order?

I've been through some stuff in my life but nothing has been as difficult as the past six months. I myself am not sure how I got through them to this point. Fact is I just want to scream, punch, cry over everything that happened to me. It's not right and it's not fair. I want to leave this place and never look back and never see or hear about the people that hurt me ever again. And I know this is not how it goes. You can't run and hide. You can only grow a pair and handle your shit.

But fact is that I am so scared. And not just of what's to come, and what's been happening but also of myself. There are moments when I scare myself. When I catch myself staring at a spot for minutes, listening to the same song on reply for an hour with my mind racing and I don't even notice what's happening. The thoughts are like a god damn storm inside my head and they just blur into one giant mess and my mind feels like it's about to explode…I'm not even making sense right now am I?

God life has been such a mess lately. And it would be so much easier if this was my mess. You know the ''you made your bed now lie in it'' kinda thing? But it's really not. I've done nothing wrong and I've done nothing to deserve all of this. As far as I can tell anyways.

You know what's the worst part though? No matter what you do, you can't get away from yourself. You can't run. You can't ignore it. You can't shut down the noise inside your head. You know how it really feels? All of this? The hell I'm going through? It's like watching everyone around you breathing and there you are choking, your lips turning blue and you know you were supposed to be able to breathe but you just can't. And the people around you? They see your chest moving, they think you're breathing, but they don't know that in reality, you're choking.

People are just people, they say it'll be better, they say you'll be alright, they say you'll get over this…maybe. But it's not as easy is it. How do you even begin to move forward? How do you get over losing someone you love? How do you get over your own family treating you like you're a piece of trash on the sidewalk the walk on? How do you even cope and put yourself back together after something like this?

I had this epiphany the other day. Am I even really living anymore? No. I'm just getting through the day, living in the thought of tomorrow. It's not living it's waiting. And then it struck me, what the hell am I waiting for? And the anwser? In 99 % not an anwser I'd want to hear. It's scary. Sometimes I can't breathe with the feeling of guilt. I know I am far from what my parents expected the first day they met me. Aparently I'm far from what the rest of the family wanted either or they wouldn't put me through the hell they're putting me through now. And the thing is I keep it all inside because it rather kills me then hurt anyone I love ever again. I don't want them to suffer just because I do. It's not right. Nor is it fair.

At the end of the day I understand them. How could they love me if even I don't love myself? What is there to love? I am a mess. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want. I don't know what to do with myself or my life. I am not one of them pretty girls all my bands are dating, I am far from traditionally beautiful and far from being strong, tough and independent. And to make matters worse lately I fuck up even the simplest things I used to be good at.

And let's not even get into what's going on upstairs. Who could love a person like that? Nobody. Of course you want easy. Of course you want happiness. Of course you want someone who is not broken. And you deserve nothing less then that.

And the thing is...I wish I could be all that for you but I'm not. I'm a work in progress. And maybe I need someone in my life that understands me, that is just like me, that is fighting the same demons. Someone that went through the same hell as I am going through. Or better yet as someone once told me ''you need someone who's demons play well with your own''.

It's getting late, I suppose these ramblings have no sense as it, I might as well share some pics and go to bed. Enjoy your weekend guys.