♥

If they say who cares if one more light goes out, in the sky of a million stars..it flickers, flickers. Who cares when someone's time runs out? If a moment is all we are, or quicker, quicker. Who cares if one more light goes out? Well I do.

Why is everything so heavy?

''I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared, but no one would listen 'cause no one else cared.

After my dreaming, I woke with this fear, what am I leaving, when I'm done here?''

I write too many of these posts lately, and it never gets easier. It never hurts any less. And I can never find proper words. This time though, it seems it hurts twice as much. Maybe because it brings up memories you don't want to talk about, maybe because you can't bare the idea of someone you care about hurting in any kind of way. Maybe because it's hard to understand that someone who made you that much happier was suffering all along. Maybe because someone you used to look up to is just gone. Maybe it's the pain itself. I don't know. I know that it hurts like hell. That much I do know.

I grew up with Linkin park. I could tell you right now where I was and what I was doing almost 14 years ago when I heard them for the first time. I never fit in all through middle school or high school, I never had a lot of friends or any real friends it seems. I had my music and that was my comfort. There's bands I loved for as long as I can remember, bands that grew up with me. Bands I care about as much as I care about my own family. Probably more then most of my family though *if you'd meet them you'd understand* so when the news hits that one of them passed away...it's always hard, it always hurts, it always feels like a tiny part of who I am just died as well.

When the news first hit about Chester Bennington yesterday I just laughed. I was positive that it's just one of those disgusting jokes. You know how actors and musicians ''die'' all the time? Some time back it was Jon Bon Jovi, last month it was Mr. Bean, there's always someone so I thought this is a joke because nothing and I do mean nothing could prepare me for this being real. I tried to ignore it even when reliable sources were posting about it until Mike Shinoda tweeted that it's not a joke and completly crushed my heart. I felt like someone reached into my chest and pulled out my heart. I can't even imagine how the boys are feeling at this point if I feel this much pain.

I waited for a long time *almost 10 years* to see them live and I finally did almost three years ago now. They were on tour with Of mice and men, another one of my favorites, and it's safe to say it was amazing. From the first moment they came on stage with a loud bang to the last. Amazing show, amazing energy, amazing music. Down to the very last detail. I joked then, don't make me wait another 10 years to see you again...little did I know...

Hybrid Theory really opened me up to a whole new world of music, music I never thought I'd like or hell even listened to. They made me see the world a little different and all through my middle school years they made life bearable. They made me feel less alone and less like a god damn freak. And most of all they made me stronger, knowing all the shit Chester went through from being molested by family, to being homeless, to drug addiction and he overcame everything, he was strong through it all. Really someone to look up to. I will be forever thankful for that.

So today I am just really gutted, shocked, heartbroken and in a state of catatonic shock. I can't believe this is real and I will need time to process. Time to heal. A lot of time probably. Skinned knees are easy but broken hearts take time. If they ever do completly heal. I have a request though, don't remember him for the way he died, remember him for the life he lived and for the change he made in all of our lives. Remember his kindness, loving nature, how humble and down to earth he was. Hold on to the strength and comfort their music gave you. That's what he would of wanted...

And to you guys, please, I am begging you, if you know someone who is depressed, someone who is struggling, if you are, please reach out, don't let them or yourself suffer in silence. If you see someone acting differently, help them, if you can't then point them towards someone who can, if you see someone crying in the street, stop, take a second, help them. And if you yourself are not strong enough to do it then please, just make sure they find someone who is capable of helping them. We are all in this mess together, depression is a nasty thing, and it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to need help sometimes and it's okay to ask for it. We have to help eachother. If you need someone to listen, I'll be here, no judgment, just as a friend, don't be afraid to reach out...

And to you my sweet angel. Nobody will ever replace you and I will miss you everyday. I'm so sorry that the world was so ugly to you that you saw no other way out. My heart goes out to the band, the family, the friends and the fans. Stay strong guys.

''When my time comes forget the wrong that I've done, help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. And don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty, keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest...''

Girls in black.

Have I mentioned before how much I hate local events? It's not the events alone, those are great. It's the people. People are awful. I will never ever never for the love of me understand why you go to a concert and get so damn drunk that you don't even know your own name much less where or why you were last night. Did I say how this guy was asleep through the entire GN'R set last Monday? I mean it's crazy. There are literal rock legends in front of you, the tickets cost a small fortune and you're too drunk to care. It's just...horrible. The bands deserve better too.

This time I was losing my mind at a local ''beer and flowers'' festival. Honestly it's more about beer then it is about flowers. Gallons and gallons of beer. And you know I'm no nun. I like whiskey. I like beer. I like just about anything containing alcohol. I like to have a drink every now and then but I never get drunk. Why? Because I know that thing called ''drinking responsibly''. There is absolutely nothing attractive about being completly wasted. And I wouldn't even care but I can't stand being hit on by random men, being groped by random men too, and I can't stand jumping outta way from being walked on, spilled over, thrown up on. It's exhausting. You come to listen to a band you like, yet people take all the fun out of it.

But enough about that, let's focus on Airbourne. I wanted to see them for a long time but I never got the chance. Imagine my happiness when I get the news that they're coming to my own country. A country nothing ever comes to. Miracle. Since it was a festival there were bands before them, and I actually watched Samantha Fox and found myself enjoying it. That was a crazy unexpected thing because honestly I didn't know her music at all before except of course ''Touch me''. She was actually really badass. People weren't though so by the time when she was done and I was already showered with beer *there was beer in my god damn cowboy boots* I decided to give up and play along. If you can't beat them join them right? A little harmless flirting *why would a girl pay for her own drinks?* and a drink or two later I didn't care no more either. And by the time Airbourne came on I was totally chill.

Now Airbourne. Holy shit they are wild! I swear the bass line was so strong my teeth were vibrating. In a good way though. Nothing like hard, fast music you can really let loose to and headbang and just go crazy. You know what I mean?

So the lights go down and they come to the stage like a god damn tornado. The crowd was just as wild from the first song to the last. Probably not too sober but let's not go there again. There were ''Too much, too young, too fast'' and ''Girls in black'', fantastic songs, even better live. Then of course there were songs from the most recent album. I loved how people were singing along to all songs, sometimes they only know the old or most known songs but no, they knew everything and it was amazing.

There was a moment too, right before they went into ''It's all for rock and roll'' where Joel explained that without Lemmy they wouldn't be where they are today and he was like ''so this one's for you Lem'' and of course the crowd responded with a wild roar. We all miss Lemmy it seems. There's something about the song too ''all around the world he left his mark and his ghost still haunts the stage''. It fits. I'm sure Lem would be proud of what the guys are doing today, maybe mostly of this particular song too, you can really hear Motorheads influence in it.

It went on with songs such as ''Raise the flag'', ''Breaking out of hell'' which I thought was just mindblowing and of course ''I'm going to hell for this''. Then the encore which hah was actually my favorite song of theirs ''Live it up''. Great song. In the middle of it they stop and they play a little game ''who wants a beer from Joel?''. He was histerical, threw a shit ton of beer cups into the crowd while giggling like a child in a candy store. No, he was adorable, really. Safe to say we weren't, I'm guessing at the end of the night we all smelled like an old dirty bar. If I had beer in my boots before the show, after it even my underwear was soaked. I'm not even joking. No wonder the band loved the concert here so much, their stage was literally right under a brewery, they probably had a hose pulled straight out of it or something.

The set ends with ''Running wild'' and Joel telling us that as long as all of us are alive Rock n roll will never die. Right on.

I think that if anyone had any doubts before the concert if they are or aren't one of the best live, metal, rock, hard rock bands out there, they sure showed them. They have such energy, so much power, they're so wild! You can not not love them. Joel is such a great front man, splitting open beer cans on your head? Who does that? Hah. Justin and Harri are also amazing, shit that headbanging...and did you know they have an old siren on stage? That was histerical really.

It was a great show, despite people complaining, firstly about ticket prices *like 15EUR is too much for such a band?* and secondly about music. They must be deaf.

The festival also has a spectacular fire, water, laser, firework show. It was completly out of this world. In tune with the music and completly breath taking. I never had fireworks exploading right above my head it was something else not going to lie. Here's the deal last time I was at this festival was probably 10 years ago. I was a kid, couldn't have a beer and didn't care about any of the bands playing so obviously I didn't care much about it. Not to mention drunks really ruined the moment for me so I once said ''never again''. We see how well that worked out right, but to be honest I'm glad I was there, it really was something else. And I might even consider going again next year. Who knows.

That's it from me for this week, I'm taking a little break. Cheers, have fun and stay safe.

I'll never find anyone to replace you, guess I'll have to make it through, this time, oh this time, without you.

Heal me, I'm heartsick. Drowning. Barely breathing. My mind is swimming somewhere up in the clouds, my feet are no longer on the ground. I'm restless as a storm...Maybe a little broken, maybe a little sad and lost but mostly happy. So fucking happy. And I never want this moment to end. I never want to let it go. It's addictive and it's intoxicating.

I'm sitting here staring at this blank page. Trying to pour all my love, devotion, dedication and mostly feelings into this post. It's hard to start it. It's hard to write it. It's hard to put it into words. Hard to even find words that would describe these feelings. How I feel right now? Excited? Lovesick? Heartsick? I feel like if my feet weren't planted firmly on the ground I'd just float away. If my head wasn't screwed on so tightly I'd lose it some place already. I feel like all the bad has melted away. All the ugly in the world is just...gone.

I love so much music, so many bands. I've seen so many bands, some more then once. But despite my adoration towards The Boss and Motley Crue and Skid Row and Warrant and Leppard and Bon Jovi and...ah what the hell you get the point...I think I can safely say that Guns N' Roses are a romance that's been going on my whole life. You know those baby books pregnant women have? Oh, right, is that even cool anymore? These days a child doesn't even exist unless ultrasound pictures and everything else is posted all over social media or blogs or whatever else. Listen kids, back in the day where there was no such thing as social media *holy shit am I really that old?* women kept books where they wrote in notes, glued in pictures and such. My mom used to have one, she'd write in interesting things, I learned I was a problem child since before I was born. Hah. Who knew. What I also learned though is that I had some sort of adoration towards GN'R since before I was born. And then after when I didn't sleep I'd listen to November rain which aparently always did the trick. Here we are 25 years later and the romance is as strong as it was from day one. Well actually a lot stronger.

Oh GN'R words can't actually describe how much I adore you. If you ask any of my friends they will all tell you the same things. How much their music annoys them purely because I always listen to it. How much I annoy them because all I talked about for the past ten years was a reunion and how I'd sell both my kidneys to see it happen. And how much I annoy them now with my ''unhealthy obsession'' *seriously it's dedication not an obsession* with this band. But how do you begin to describe something that makes you happy to be alive, something that awakeness your soul, makes you reach out for more, makes you bold and brave, plants a fire in your heart and calms down the storm in your mind? That's what they do. They make me feel alive and calm and happy and content and strong. It's not just a song anymore, just a band, just a tour or an album. It's so much more. And I love them so much more then just a band who's music you happen to enjoy.

Nothing is as calming as those perfect guitar riffs, bass line or that amazing voice. That voice that makes shivers run up and down my spine, skin tingle and butterflies erupt in my stomach. Nothing makes everything alright in an instant quite like Estranged does. There is nothing like those beautiful lyrics, amazing guitar riffs and Matt Sorum's *I'm so sorry Stevie* amazing tap style drumming, and that voice, so melancholic so full of emotion. That song to me is pure genius. Nothing is quite as satisfying as lying in the dark, headphones on and this song as loud as possible, completly lost in it. Lost in those emotions it gives you. Amazing.

So nobody ever told us baby how it was gonna be, so what'll happen to us baby, guess we'll have to wait and see.

When I find out all the reasons maybe I'll find another way, find another day. With all the changing seasons of my life, maybe I'll get it right next time. And now that you've been broken down, got your head out of the clouds, you're back down on the ground, and you don't talk so loud, and you don't walk so proud, any more, and what for...

Well I jumped into the river too many times to make it home, I'm out here on my own, and drifting all alone. If it doesn't show give it time, to read between the lines 'cause I see the storm is getting closer, and the waves they get so high, seems everything we've ever known's here why must it drift away and die.

I'll never find anyone to replace you guess I'll have to make it through, this time, oh this time, without you...

Pure genius. Now my undying love, adoration, admiration aside…Remember the stunt they pulled at the Troubadour last year? There were rumors for a while yes but nobody thought that it's possible. I mean Ax himself when asked if Guns N' Roses are reforming said ''Not in this lifetime'' which cleverly later became the name of the tour. Ha. Anyways that stunt at the Troubadour killed me. When I found out what happened I swear I wasn't breathing, there were tears, there was screaming, there was hyperventilating. All the works. Now if that got me completly messed up just imagine when they announced a European tour. Holy shit. I was done for. The day that tickets were supposed to go on sale I was up at 6 am, in front of my laptop, refreshing the page every minute, chewing on my nails and as soon as they were out, ordered and payed for I thought I will die on the spot. Seeing Guns N' Roses live was like going to the moon for me, you know what I mean? Something you know is possible yet it will most likely never happen. And then it did. My hands are still shaking and my mind and heart are still racing.

Vienna is one of my favorite cities on this planet as is. It's so full of art and music and life. I love it. Not to mention I saw most of my favorite bands there. But on Monday morning it was far from my favorite. The weather was a mess. I mean when you've got pouring rain, lightning strikes, thunder, hail and a tornado which is really uncommon for this part of Europe all happening a few hours before a sold out stadium show? God I wanted to scream. I felt like someone up there is punishing me. You know that feeling? Oops Nikki is happy, we best do something to fuck that up for her.

Luckily the skies seemed to calm down and there was just some light rain. They had roadies wiping down the stage after each song. Making me feel like; god! those lucky bitches, who wouldn't want to wipe that stage down for them? Their sweat is like holy water. I bet they sweat glitter or something. If I'd get the chance to do that I would wipe the shit out of that stage. Hah. Jesus Nikki focus.

Oh my god the boys are back in town baby! It's real, they're real, they're really back. And you know what I loved most? That they all seemed genuinely happy, enjoying themselves during the show. My jungle king himself, Axl Rose is in an amazing vocal form and he was all smiles and grins Monday night, making my heart go into overdrive and legs weak in the knees. Yes I know he's 55 and I am 25. No, I don't care.

Weather aside the concert was amazing. Mindblowing. Perfect. So perfect. There are hardly words to describe just how amazing they really are. Don't mind me just hyperventilating from the memory over here. It starts with two support bands, Tyler Bryant and Wolfmother, which by the way are great and when they leave there's graphics on the three huge screens, guns, roses, their logo with the name and flag of the country they're in. Every now and then the guns on the biggest screen in the middle fired with a really loud bang that mady your entire body vibrate. They know how to keep you on edge.

And then oh my god…then the Looney tunes song. You know what that means right? Oh be still my beating heart, if it wasn't about to jump out before then at that tiny short tune it had to. McBob their roadie comes on stage then, he's been their announcer for years. I only saw one other band with an announcer, that were the Stones. McBob said ''a band that needs no introduction, but gets one anyway! ". I actually thought it's going to be something along the lines of ''ladies and gentlemen the most dangerous band in the world''. Who ever came up with that, dangerous, please, they're more like fluffy, cuddly, teddy bears. I sure know I'd like to cuddle with some of them, well at least three of them. Of the current lineup that is.

When they came on stage, one by one, and that first note of It's so easy hits. My god, the breath was gone from my lungs. They were suddenly more then just pictures on my records and walls, they were real. That rush of adrenaline when you see someone you loved and admired for so long standing in front of you. It's a feeling like no other. It's so easy that went straight into Mr. Brownstone. And then Chinese democracy, Welcome to the jungle, Double talkin' jive, Better, Estranged, Live and let die *which was almost acoustic*, Rocket queen *minus the sound effects, shame*, You could be mine *if only*, Attitude, This I love, Civil war, Yesterdays, Coma, Sweet child o' mine, Used to love her, Out ta get me, Wish you were here, November rain, Black hole sun, Knocking on Heavens door, Nightrain and an encore with Patience, The Seeker and of course Paradise city, which had the most amazing fireworks I've ever seen.

You know I've been following the band for years *obviously* and there were past chances to see them, well what was left of the band anyways, it never felt right. Even if the previous few line ups had some of the fiercest and greatest players in the rock world. And now…now when at least Duff and Slash are back home where they belong it feels like…a breath of air for someone who is drowning.

And you know what is the best part of it all? Slash. His fire and passion is back and I can't describe the happiness. Maybe it's because of Richard Fortus, who let's face it is amazing *I'm so sorry Izzy* but there's just one Slash. Guitar god. He doesn't play the guitar he makes love to it. The way his fingers dance over those strings is nothing if not mesmerising. He's focused, he's energetic, he's fast, his solo's are nothing if not mindblowing. The way he played the theme song of The Godfather that slowly turned into the intro of Sweet child of mine was just….jesus take the wheel I can't take this no more kinda thing. The audience was great, they were singing along and everything but I think Sweet child was the best, obviously everyone completly lost it when that first few notes hit. I could hear that song a million times on repeat and I would still love it as much as I did the first time.

And then you've got Axe, I'm trying not to be biased though we all know he could stand on that stage and blink and I'd still think it's the best thing ever. But honest to god his piano playing was amazing, he plays a long intro, starting with Layla that slowly leads into November rain. Now this song always was and always will be one of my favorites. The lyrics, that guitar solo, the piano, the voice, the emotion in the voice. My god. I had tears pouring down my face when he sang that song. And the shower of sparks in the middle of the song with the band standing underneath…''So never mind the darkness, we still can find a way. 'cause nothin' lasts forever, even cold November rain''. A lyric that I repeat to myself when things go wrong. A lyric that keeps me stronger. A lyric which makes the world seem a bit brighter then it is. And a song that holds so much personal meaning, and memory and love.

Then you've got a moment where Ax changes his clothes or hat for about a millionth time…I wonder who does his laundry because I would totally volunteer. Like just imagine for a second ''what do you do for a living?'' ''oh you know, just making sure Axl Rose can change 10 fucking shirts on stage every night''. Must be a dream job. Right where was I? Oh of course, the one and only Mr Duff Mckagan steps up for the punk explosion of “Attitude”. And it really is explosive. I wouldn't mind some of his attitude to be honest. Duff totally killed Misfits with it. I'm sorry guys but he's just…perfect.

''Loaded like a freight train, flyin' like an aeroplane, feelin' like a space brain, one more time tonight''. Brings us to about two and a half hours of the show but come on of course they're not done yet. The encore began with an almost acoustic version of Patience which I loved because you can really hear Axl's more then amazing voice. Following Patience is also the Seeker and of course the final song Paradise city. If I used to wonder before where Paradise city is, let me tell you right now that I found mine. And they go out with a bang, Paradise city has a shit ton of pyro that is completly in tune with the music. It's amazing, that long instrumental part of the song at the end with fireworks banging in the background and the band in a cloud of smoke and the ''I wanna go, I wanna go, oh won't you please take me home. I wanna see, oh won't you please take me home. Take me down to the paradise city, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty, take me home.''.

The show just hits that 3 hour mark when the band takes one final bow on the stage. 3 hours that felt like 3 minutes if you ask me. I could stay there and listen to them for another 3 hours and it still wouldn't be enough. So yeah the tickets were expensive as hell but I promise you well worth every cent, Guns N' Roses are still the greatest hard rock band in the world, and even though impossible since stadiums don't have a roof, if it did, they'd blow that bitch right off. I watched the show with my mouth hanging open, tears streaming, broken voice from screaming and completly dazed and tingly. ''Not in this lifetime''? God I'm so happy they changed their minds.

Don't cry because it's over, be happy it happened right? My favorite band and people in the whole wide world. Let's hope this wasn't a first and last kinda thing because my heart couldn't handle it. So thank you boys for giving me the best night of my life, I won't ever forget it, I love you, I love you, I love you.

One last thing, I don't want to do this but I need a peace of mind. A quick note to the ''brains'' or should I say lack of them behind an article on an Austrian web page. Writing a review so vile it made me wish I wouldn't understand a word of German language. I mean I get it they're not your cup of tea and that's fine we can't all like the same things. But how fucking dare you?! All the talk about how they look, or better yet how awful YOU think they look. Is that an insecure little girl inside of you, making everyone else look bad so she feels good about herself? Do you listen to music with your eyes? Do looks have anything at all to do with music? If so I'm willing to bet The Stones wouldn't be one of the biggest bands out there right now. Slash can't tune a guitar right? Bitch are you kidding me? Slash could choke you with one hand while still play any one of his solo's perfectly while doing it. Ax lost his voice? Honestly fuck you, if anything Axe sounds better now then ever before. I don't know why you're so bitter, I don't know what your problem with them is but what I do know is that you're not even worthy of breathing the same air as them. That's it, I'm done, before this gets too ugly. We all know there's a lot more I'd like to tell to this ''music blogger''. In person. With fists. But it's not ladylike to behave that way now is it.

Oh what the hell. Can't end this post on negativity. So instead I'll share one last thing. My writing process is complicated. It's either a ten page post in 1 hour or a few lines over the entire week. I have to admit this post turned out to be one of the hardest I've done. Ever. It's hard enough to write down what you feel and it's even harder when there's so many feelings that you feel like you could explode. I've been writing down lines, thoughts, emotions all week, which I managed to piece together into a semi normal post. It's a little scrambled I'm aware but let it be, lord knows my mind is even more. Scrambled that is. As a bonus though, I'll keep a couple of notes I wrote during the week. They are in full on crazy fangirl mode that annoys just about everyone, but they're also lines written by a really estatic and happy version of me, that you'll most likely never see again. Fair warning; things may get messy, dirty and explicit above this line...

Ohhh my god are you kidding me? Has anyone really looked at Duff before? Like does he look at himself? Is he aware of how ridiculously hot he is? Does he even sweat like normal people? No. He sweats rainbows and glitter, so help me god he's just too damn attractive. Attitude? Can I have some of it? Preferably in an elevator where we are convinetly stuck for about 3 hours, with no power and nothing to do.

Are they even real? This did just happen? Oh my god I was just dreaming wasn't I? I'll wake up anytime now realizing I just imagined the whole thing. Disappointing really. If it's a dream I could at least get to shower with one of them after the show. Or all of them, I don't mind.

Fucking hell they're so amazing and sooooo WILD! AX'S VOICE! THAT DAMN VOICE. The man could choke me and I would thank him so help me god. ''Feel my serpentine?'' dear god in heaven what do you want? To kill me? Because I'm pretty sure you did. He's so hot, the little dance moves, THE SMILE! The thing he does at ''and you're a very sexy girl, very hard to please, you can taste the bright lights but you won't get there for free...'' send help.

SLASH, SLASH, SLASH! Guitar god omfg, playing behind your head?! As if those riffs aren't hard enough. Why are you doing this to me? Why?

Axl...something so charming about him, I don't know what it is but it's just...ahhh...can't stop staring at him. And he's so wild. And he salutes the fans, and smiles, and just...okay I'm done. Really. If I had a fucking star each time he makes me smile, I swear I'd have a whole damn sky.

Duff, Duff, Duff, Duff, he's is sexy. Like he is the hottest thing alive, I can't even. 10/10 I would so call him daddy.

November rain, I died. The best thing on this planet. That one song. Those effects, the storm on the screen and on the sky at the same time. The genius Ax on the piano. The voice. The chills. Oh my god.

I love them I love them I love them. I can't even comprehend that I actually saw them, breathed the same air as them, heard my favorite songs live that I never thought I would.

Seriously though November rain! It's the most beautiful thing on the planet what the fuck?! Happy tears. So many happy tears. Literally the best night of my life, bring on the post concert depression because it will hurt like a bitch. It already does. I already miss them. Sigh.

Words of ''wisdom'' by an older man I met at the show ''sugar, if your age is on the clock, you're too young for Roses cock''. I actually choked on water. Yep. Did he mean digital or regular clock though? Cuz actually you know it's not 24:00 it's 00:00, meaning I'm off of both clocks. Hah.

The music. Have you ever heard better music in your life? I doubt it. They are nothing if not pure perfection...

I did warn you haven't I? It's a miracle I managed to piece something normal out of this isn't it? There was more but I'd say this was enough crazy fangirl behavior for now. I promise you though most days I am not this crazy. Only sometimes. Sometimes I don't just fangirl, sometimes I do ''obsess''. Enjoy the weekend guys, I'll see you on Monday, most likely with another review. Look after one another, stay safe and for the love of everything holy, play some good old rock 'n' roll music.