WILD SIDE: December 2023

Saturday, December 30, 2023

Wear strength and darkness equally well, because girl you're half goddess and half hell.

''Ko padeš, pridejo oni...''

Anyone else celebrating the end of the holidays tomorrow instead of New years? No? Just me? Okay then...I can't tell you in words how estatic I am that December is ending. I never liked it and grew to hate it even more lately. I guess I'll just never understand it, the hysteria, the forced happiness, the fake smiles, the pretending everything is fucking fantastic, the ''happy families'' that are only happy on Instagram, or the herd mentality of people. January second still happens, and reality still hits you. I don't know. I don't get it.

I'm not going to write a 2023 write up, lets face it mentally I am still stuck in 2019. I can't honestly process we're stepping into 2024 tomorrow. How did that happen? When did it happen?! Wild. 2023 was...well interesting. A lot of bad things, a lot of new things but also a lot of good things. New friends, new love, new life in a way. I got conclussions to things I always wondered about, I got some answers to some unanswered questions. I learned to understand things about myself that made no sense. Maybe I don't know how to love myself yet but lets call it tolerating for now huh? It's a start. It sure as hell is better than all my past summaries of nothing but devastation and sadness. This year is better. Brighter. And things were completely fucked up don't think they weren't, but maybe I reached a point where I know how to cope with it better. Or maybe it's the fact that I don't have to cope alone. Who knows.

Maybe new understandings also bring new...ideas? Tactics? Choices? Like this one, ''smile more, your enemies absolutely hate it''. I should. Nothing pisses off people more, than seeing you're doing good without them. Maybe I also should learn how ''not every action needs a reaction''. Some people, well most people, don't deserve neither me wasting my time on them, nor my forgivness, and even less my affection. I need to do better in this area. Love those who deserve it, fucking forget those that already forgot about you. People that want to be in your life will make an effort, not make excuses. I know that now.

I learned that not everything needs an ending too. Like, I have a hard time with lose ends, with things that don't have a conclussion, which is funny because I have a chronical problem of never finishing anything. But some things will never get that ending I'm craving, some things will never be answered, some things will never make sense, and that's okay, because it's really not on me to fix them. I need to do better in the fantastic art of not giving a fuck and moving on. I learned to be less afraid, because at this point what the fuck else can happen to rattle me? Not much right? I mean I've been through hell and back already, what do I have to fear? Maybe you guys should, if I look into the fire and smile, it's time to run.

A lot changes when you realise there's really only three types of people on this planet. People who help you through difficult times, people who leave you in difficult times, and people who put you in difficult times. I guess this realisation is what made me cold. Shut down. People don't need to know things about you, sharing things should be reserved to those close to you only, and that circle my friends is closing in on itself daily. The only difference now is that I don't care. If you walk out of my life, I never again plan on chasing you, and you know why? Because in reality, people don't deserve second chances, because they never change. They make you believe they do....but really...nah.

I've been told by a lot of people that I changed. People that haven't seen me in a while. Maybe. But really no. Things that happened to me, changed me. They make it sound like a bad thing, I mean yeah a lot is not to the good, but a lot is. I am no longer letting people get away with their bullshit. I am never again letting anyone walk all over me, I am never again settling for anything less, than what I deserve. I know how to sit back, be quiet and observe, I know how people only care when they have some sorta use from you. And I know who deserves to stay in my life and who should be long gone.

I am not making any new years resolutions by the way, I find it hilarious how people are so motivated for all these idiotic things they come up with, and lose all will power to do them by the end of January. Get skinny? Stop drinking? Stop smoking? Do this, do that. Blah blah blah. I'm just gonna sit back and be grateful for the good things in the past year tbh. I am grateful for the little progress in the artistic department, I'm grateful for every nice comment I get and for everyone clicking like on my work. That means the world to me. I am grateful for the live music. Never again taking that for granted. After lockdowns even small hometown shows with THE WORST crowd seem like a blessing. I am grateful for the seaside and the peace it brings me, for being able to go get lost in my favorite places for a couple of days in a year. Always grateful. I am so grateful for my friends, those that are always here, always listening to my bullshit, always offer advice, and if they have none just sit and listen, and are a postitive presence in my life. I am so grateful for things in my life that are GOOD, you know actually good. So much has gone and is wrong that even the tiniest things like, putting on the perfect makeup, a fake smile, a killer outfit and showing people hell, that is something to be grateful for.

Maybe I'm not where I want to be yet, maybe things are not as they should be yet. But...that's perfectly fine. There's no hurry. There's no deadlines. I honestly believe things happen in their own pace for all of us and if we're not where we want to be yet, that doesn't mean we never will be. If we're not happy yet, it doesn't mean we never will be. It just takes a little time right? I wont sit here and pretend that 2024 is the year where finally everything falls to place. With my luck it's more likely everything falls to pieces instead, but I'm letting the options open, hey maybe everything will be in fact alright? A lot of changes are coming, a lot of new things, a lot of...a lot of a lot, some scary as hell and some kinda perfect and exciting and I plan on focusing on that. And the bad times...well take your best shot life, without the bad times we wouldn't know how to appreciate the good ones after all.

We live in dark depressing times to be honest, and I wonder everyday, where the fuck are we headed, and what the fuck are we even doing. With all this darkness all around, if we can bring a bit more light then we absolutely should. And that's really all I wish you guys in the new year. Love, light, laughter, peace, happiness. That's what life is all about after all.

Happy New year guys!

Wednesday, December 13, 2023

11.12.2023

I am sitting here and I am sobbing. I know, shocking. I do that all the time lately, seems it grew into a hobby by now. What a shame it's not something I could make money off of. I imagine I'd surpass the Kardashians by now...but this is different. Different kind of sobbing. I am angry. I am relieved. I am devastated. I am heartbroken. I am lost. I am afraid. But I finally understand. So many things, so freaking many things make sense now, and I'm angry for all the opportunities, for all the life, for all the...everything really, that was taken from me, or just ended up not happening because something, like an invisible force field held me back.

I've been different since I was in middle school, or well probably sooner, but here's the first time I can remember really being the odd one out. I never fit in basically anywhere, and try as I might, I never understood people around me. They'd call me strange, odd, weird, loner, etc...and nobody ever could actually pin point why. Oh I'm an artist, bohemic, gifted, a smartass, into strange hobbies and things etc. Everything that should in theory be a good thing but really it just made me feel disabled. Because no matter how gifted I can be in my areas, all that's been doing is separating me from the majority and sometimes, sometimes you just want to be normal and fit in. Even if you end up dumbing yourself down for it.

I guess I knew all my life really that something is ''wrong'' with me, but never knew what name the ''wrong'' has. Never knew what label to put on, never knew what IT is. And even now, well into my adult life I was scared, scared of stigma, judgement, or just general misunderstanding that came with it, which made it seek out a diagnosis a prolonged ordeal. And then there was the wondering, maybe I'm just strange, or weird, maybe nothing is ''wrong'' with me just...I don't fit in. Maybe I'm just you know, dramatic, over reacting, everyone goes through tough times, everyone has their own issues.

I think what pushed me to actually seek out a professional diagnosis was the need to understand, understand why sometimes I wanna scream when I can't do what seems to be an easy task and others saying ''well you're an adult, you should be able to...'', no Karen I just can't. I have no explanation except that there's things you do, and don't even need to think about (getting a haircut per say) make me wish I'd drink battery acid instead.

You have no idea how tough seeking out a dignosis ended up being. How many circles of hell I ended up going through, oh you're an imposter, there's nothing wrong with you, get it together, you're being dramatic, you're being stupid, you're seeking out attention, just grit your teeth and get over it, etc. I felt outta place talking with people who pin pointed my problems within ten minutes of conversation and felt like they're staring directly into my soul. And now I feel...broken. Broken because the term associated with all of this was ''special needs''. I don't feel like I have special needs, I feel shame and fear because there's no way people will ever look at me the same way now, should they learn the whole story.

I guess you know I should have figured out sooner that ''normal'' people don't need a whole god damn script to get involved in conversations, or want to scream bloody murder when forced into small talk. I suppose people don't really see people who make them eat fruit as mortal enemies? Or god forbid mixed up food is normal? I guess not feeling any pain, and hating light, or the sound drapes and forks make are also not traits of ''normal people''. I guess people CAN actually tune out, and are not bothered when there's loud conversations around them. Or can nod along and smile without wanting to strangle a person when being asked the standard ''kinder, kuche, kirche'' questions. I guess it's not really normal to struggle THAT much with information intake on things you really couldn't care less about. And I guess yes noticing details in every little thing IS weird.

I guess it's also the honesty? People don't like it? I mean I never considered that I'm being rude when telling people the truth? I never understood the hell of the question ''how are you?'' you're supposed to be polite, say ''good, thank you, how are you?'' uhm. No? I'm not good, so why should I lie? I learned to play pretend, to try and be as ''normal'' as possible without even realising, how much energy that's draining from me.

So here's the deal, what's all the drama about? I was diagnosed with autism. It shouldn't be as much of a surprise as I said, it should be more of an ''aha'' moment. Nothing should change except the fact that I now understand, and can maybe set boundaries, and live a bit easier with some form of understanding, from the world around me that really isn't designed for people like me, right? But then tell me why the hell do I feel like the world had stopped spinning? I mean I felt that way often with things that maybe the rest of the citizens of this planet don't see as world shattering as I do. But this...this kinda does feel that way. I suppose I need time to understand myself better, life, the world? I don't even know. Maybe now that I know, things will start getting easier.