“Some people may be brokenhearted not because they’ve been hurt but because they’ve never found someone who mattered enough to hurt them.''

It's been a tough week of quarantine, not going to lie. I am a second away from moving into my garage just to have some peace and quiet. You know when you watch movies where families are stuck together say in a snow blizzard, or on a holiday or something? And they are playing board games, having fun, enjoying eachothers company? Yeah that. No wonder it's in movies only, because in real life? We're all a second away from tearing each others throaths out. It's absolutely unbearable. And lets not even start with personal space which is all but not existing. Can I draw without people going ''all your drawings look the same'' yeah, they should because it's the same man. ''Why are you drawing this like that?'' because. ''Stop drawing faces and draw a country side for a change'' no. Or reading? I swear the moment I pick up a book there's three tvs, two radios and constant yelling echoing all over the house and then I'm crazy for not being able to focus ''if you're reading you're reading, what's it to you if the tv is on?'' sure. Because it's so easy to read over the loud tv. Or god forbid they see me typing, in theory knowing I write a blog ''what do you even have to write about? You don't go anywhere, you don't do anything, you read those shallow books, listen to dumb music, what could you possibly have to write about?''. Jeesh thank you for reminding me how incredibly unbearable my life is of late. Appreciated. 

I did however through the noise managed to read a book. It literally took me whole week for a book that I would usually finish up in one afternoon, but I guess even a week is a miracle for the zoo I live in.

Andre Aciman / Find me / LGBT

It took forever to even get my copy. I mean a store less than a km away has it, but god forbid book stores being open in this country, so it had to be ordered online and then in took like 2 weeks to have it shipped. Life is slow these days. 

Let me start with the fact that in theory this book is a sequel to ''Call me by your name'' and as such is a let down. I was actually really excited for the story about Oliver and Elio to come back, as in pick up where we left them. Which of course is impossible. No broken relationship can just go on after it's been damaged. But it's not that that's disappointing. It's the fact that the story of Oliver and Elio is a good 20 pages long story in this book. The rest is everything but them. I suppose it's gradually building up to that moment in time, moment in life, when Oliver finally grows a pair and actually goes and ''finds'' Elio again. 

The first half of the book is not about either of the boys, it's actually told from Elio's fathers point of view and about a much younger woman ''Miranda'' that he meets on a train. It's all passion, and lust, and infatuation and probably bad that I saw myself in her again. Yeah the attitude and the whole infatuation with a much older man. Yeah that's me alright. I liked the portraying of the overwhelming experience of a strong crush though. I liked it when they walked about Rome, talking, sharing memories and stories. Which girl wouldn't like that, hand in hand with a major crush, walking down those narrow, charming streets of Rome. Expecially if it's dawn, right after the rain and the street lights glisten on the pavements like stars. It's magical I tell you. But as magical as Rome is, the first part of the book leaves you eager and at the edge of your seat for the main two characters. Maybe that's just what Aciman was after though, a (very) slow build up to the point. 

Second half of the book picks up where ''Call me by your name'' left of, but it's not what you think, it's Elio and Oliver, but their separated lives. Which is kinda surprising way to go about it, given the sheer borderline obsession we read about in the first part. I gotta give him that it was very bold to decide to go that way with the sequel. It was surprising me as well that Elio was living with a much older Frenchman  (aren't I the same as Elio also in so many ways?) and Oliver was married with kids to a woman. That was the interesting part. I mean yeah we read in the first part he's getting married, but 15 years down the line? I imagined things would blow up sooner.

This type of writing though is great to keep you wondering, wondering if there is a happy ending for Elio and Oliver after all of if they're just doomed to forever pine after each other and never find their way together again. Delay is what bulilds tension but it's also aggravating and frustrating. You can't always get what you want and all that but really I picked up the book for one reason and one reason only and having to wait basically till the end to get there is what made this book less amazing for me than it could be. Truth to be told, more than half of the book is all about Samuel (Elios father) and Miranda who no offense are just not that interesting, and that's kind of a turn of for me, having to force myself to keep on reading because the interesting bit ''is surely right on the next page''.

Bottom line though what I kinda really took of from the both books is that ''Call me by your name'' is more that honeymoon thing, the falling in love, the exploring, the passion, love, infatuation, more carefree (despite the drama) and ''Find me'' is that harsh moment of reality when you come back home, back to real life. Nobody likes that to be honest. But I think Aciman himself actually explained his entire book choice with a quote by Oliver saying ''we're not going to feed off the past, are we?''.

Let's also put it this way, ''Find me'' is more gentle, melancholic kinda book. If ''Call me by your name'' is about first love and the excitement it brings, then ''Find me'' is about true love. The long haul kinda love. The real one that is worth waiting for. Real one that even if life tears you apart you will eventually find your way back together because that love, that person, that life, that is exactly where you're supposed to be. Maybe not now, maybe not in a year, but someday…I'm talking about the interesting bit of the book mind you. Not the ramblings in between.

If we go back to Samuel and Miranda for a second, their whole story is just so dull because mostly it's not about love or passion or even sex it's about the age gap between them. It's all about that. Them meeting in the wrong period of time, because that's just how fate wanted. And let me tell you something that's just utter bullshit. Who cares about age gap? Who cares if a woman is half your age. As long as it's legal mind you. Love is love. Love doesn't care about age, if it works it works, if it doesn't…well…and it's kinda sad to point out that because of their age gap all they really got is the ''end of Samuels life''. Come on. Who wants to read that depressing shit. You're here now, enjoy life while you can. They end up in the same ocean side house in Italy that Oliver and Elio met in and have a son, which by the time Samuel dies is about 7 years old, and guess what's his name? Oliver. I found that detail actually really cute. But actually the two characters at times feel so unreal. She's a proper wet dream, a model looking gorgeous girl, dressed sloppily in leather and boots, takes black and white photos and wants to get tattooed at 2 in the morning on a whim (see what I mean when I say she's a bit like me, or I like her?). And him, he's a bit of an enigma. Parts of the book are just strange due to it and it feels like the author is really listing down his own turn ons. Comparing private parts to lighthouses and fruit though? I mean was it supposed to be sexy or funny or…?

Second part of the book is therefore much more enjoyable because it's passed on to Elio's point of view.  We learn a bit about his Frenchman. Twice his age. What's this about, Oliver was older, his dad and Miranda, now Michel the Frenchman…like trying to make me sit down and re think my life choices next time I say Joe Perry makes me all hot and bothered. All through this section though you can tell that there's only been one man for Elio and even 15 years later it's still pretty obvious who that is, except he moves on to a runner up Michel who is ''good enough'' to be compared to Oliver, and I guess for a while there things are going quite good for them. 

Third part focuses on Oliver. He was not quite as ''lucky'' as Elio was. I mean lets face it neither one of them was lucky or happy but you know what I mean. I think the point here wasn't that Oliver was unhappy because he rejected Elio, Oliver was unhappy because with rejecting him, he also rejected himself. His feelings, his wants and needs. I suppose this part must be most aching, Olivers life is most like a tragedy in this book but also best depicted, because he's the character with most self deception and multiple layers of emotion.

And then fucking finally FINALLY. The fourth part. The moment when the boys finally reunite. The planets align, the crops are grown in, rivers are full, sun is shining and everything is perfect. It's a lyrical epilogue, to all that wasted time and true love worth the wait. I liked the change in the prose the books are written in though, first book is all about passion as I said but here the reunion is gentle and sorta afraid you know. Afraid to pick up where you left of. Because lets face it you can never really do that. You can start over but you can never just go on where you left of 15 years ago. It was sweet the way they reconnected and honestly the last few pages made the ''torture'' of reading the whole book worth while. 

In general I enjoyed the book. It gave us some anwsers and it made me happy knowing Oliver and Elio finally got their happy ending. I wouldn't mind a part three though, but this time just them, and just happiness. Lets face it we all need a bit more happiness in our lives. 

To end up this post I'll share my favourite quote from the book;

''It's just that the magic of someone new never lasts long enough. We only want those we can't have. It's those we lost or who never knew we existed who leave their mark. The others barely echo.''

Now if you'll excuse me, I have about 14 sketches to finish up. My fellow artists will understand how frustrating it is when there's something so perfect inside your head but you can't for the love of everything holy put it on paper. I threw out 20 sketches this morning alone. Sigh. Patience is a virtue, Rome wasn't build in one day and all that. Enjoy the weekend guys and join me on Monday for some Bob Seger's Night moves. Shit I love that album. 

You know I let you down, I've been clumsy with your heart again.

January 22. Lockdown week: ??? Year 2021. I gotta tell you, catching Covid was not on my January 2021 bucket list but here we are. And not I'm not only on lockdown but quarantine as well. And if you're guessing I'm pissed you're right. I feel like in a video game, three lives then game over. Yeah like that. I feel like it's game over for me. I mean I fully planned on getting over this pandemic without getting sick, despite finding it insane wearing a mask outside I always did because I was responsible to others and I bleached my hands bloody with alcohol. What I did not plan on though is one of my family members infecting me and them getting it in a fucking hospital. THAT was not on my bingo list. I'm just. Angry. But instead of moping about, or spiraling in a dark dark hole that is reading old posts about concerts (god I miss those) I am sharing an old post. Cute moment. A fond memory. This is an almost ten year old post now. Memory in it is a bit older. But an awfully fond one. Life was nothing short of perfect then. This was posted on December 19th, titled ''It's only love''.

''What do you think I was up to last night? Looking for trouble no doubt. But seems like there's such things as miracles, or better yet police chiefs prayers heard, because I did not find any actual trouble. Disappointing if you ask me. I was out with my sister and boyfriend. It's been a while the three of us had some fun together. We were in a club, purely because it has the ancient Japanese art called ''Karaoke''. Okay I hear you, I know what you're thinking, trust me I do. And if you're also thinking ''good night nurse  Nichol, that girl better didn't do it'' you may wanna stop reading now.

The general idea behind going out was to relax or really just get hammered before that dreadfull Sunday that's coming up, giving me all kinds of creeps. It felt good having fun to be honest. I forgot what that's like, been so caught up with all kinds of shit and drama it's ridiculous. I mean yeah we go to a shit ton of concerts, but concerts are the food for my soul, they're my happiness, but they aren't a place to drink and let lose. I crave a different kinda fun occasionally. Don't even remember when I spent time in a bar for fun, always events, always work.

When we walked in there were four guys on stage doing what I can only hope is a bad impression of the Backstreet Boys. Seriously the boys would be appaled at the…whining.  I give them props though I think they just weren't drunk enough for their ''talent'' to really shine through. I didn't plan on getting on stage at that point mind you, but all of you who know my dumbass boyfriend (a man child, a work in progress, all the bad  things said in the most loving way so help me god) can imagine how this one played out. The dude behind the bar was giggling as he walked up on stage asking who's next and like from the corner of my eyes, I see that oh so charming, deadly and dangerous grin. My lovely boyfriend the joker that he is gets up and goes ''oh I am so doing this next''. He gulps down like three shots worth of Fireball whiskey, winks and me and jumps on stage. I should of known right there and then that that will bring me nothing but trouble. Sigh. You guys, how stupid am I really? I never ever learn do I? Easy for him to get on stage he's a singer, easy for him cuz he's in a damn band! Alright he got up and held a speech on how hard picking a song is because he loves so many songs. Bullshit. All for an act.

The next moment he grins evily and goes ''how about a sing off you guys?'' shit. Just wanted to shoot him on the spot. I love him. But. That dumb bitch. My sister gave me the whole bottle of Jack Daniels saying ''you're going to need this you know''. Yeah. I do know. And not even a moment later he goes ''can my beautiful, gorgeous girlfriend please join me on stage?''. That little fucker. I swear the world is not big enough to hold my wrath. Though I got up and joined him. Why? Because I had a killer outfit, too much to drink at that point and because he was certain I won't do it. And don't I just love proving him wrong. Well sweetheart this is not how I roll. No is not in my vocabulary, nor is fear. So I got on, tripping over my high heels. Don't drink and wear heels Nikki or you'll end up in the ER one day. I sat on the speaker with the whiskey bottle while he said ''I have a song! And Nikki, baby, this one is for you''.

And what did the asshole pick? ''Bryan Adams Run to you''. An artist on our bucket list to see live someday. And Run to you. A song that has meaning to the both of us. What sucks though is that his voice? Absolutely perfect. He sounds just like Bryan. And if you've had a few? Then you won't know the difference anyways. Of course he sang that absolutely perfectly while I just kept chugging my whiskey, trying to ignore the flirting. I was beyond nervous okay. And then the song ends, and that vicious smile comes back with ''your turn baby girl, beat this if you can''. Honestly at that point I would beat him. And not in the sense of the word he meant. But you know as I said, a little fun never killed nobody. And he will not win this fight. Besides I prefer a bit of crazy in my life, the kinda crazy like crashing bachlor parties, pretending to be a stripper, and things I shouldn't write down, I'm 60% sure they are illegal.

Anyways back to the story, he was leaning on the wall by the stage, grinning, his tight jeans too low, and a black tank top with tattoos on full display, and that attractive smirk that literally melts your panties…he was not making things easy for me. But you know whiskey courage. So I chose my own song, dedicated it right back to him, telling him to pay attention to the lyrics. What was it? ''Bryan Adams One night love affair''. No I aint never changing. But what's the shocking part here? The people in the club actually liked it. I mean, passed out drunk probably but still. I imagined one has to be comatose to like my singing. As the song ends the guy from before asks the crowd who they liked better. Surprise surprise he won? No not really. Neither did I. Someone yelled that we should do a duet. And that's how I got roped into yet another song of Bryans, the one he does with Tina Turner ''It's only love''. And indeed it is only love.

Singing Tina is hard as fuck you know. There's a reason that there's only one Tina. We did a good job on the song. Better than solos. I guess that's just what it is. A message from above that we are better together. People sang with us and when the song ends they were screaming ''kiss kiss kiss''. Funny. It was a perfect movie scene, he was just there, slowly pushing my hair off my face, his hand hooking in my belt loops, pulling me close, so close there was no space even for a piece of paper between us. And god that intoxicating Hugo Boss perfume that made my head spin. The anticipation of the kiss itself was enough to kill me and then he kissed me and the world melted away.

Were you ever kissed like that? Like the movies say, fireworks exploding, seeing stars, feeling shivers running up and down your spine. Everything was just gone there was just me and him and it was perfect. And he tasted like whiskey and mint and Jesus Christ I could honestly get addicted from it. Did y'all know it can be this intoxicating, addicting, all consuming? I haven't felt like this, well ever.

At the end of the day what did our ''lets play rock band'' adventure give us? Free drinks all night and does anything sound better than free drinks? Heck no. Free Fireball, I might as well die and go to heaven. Though this ''addiction'' would most likely end me in hell. Have you ever kissed someone with their lips tasting hot and fiery like Fireball whiskey? Heaven and hell. A bit of both. Have you ever fell asleep in someone's arms feeling like you're exactly where you should be? Heaven. Have you ever been woken up by a kiss from someone you absolutely adore? Pure heaven. And if this is heaven then I don't ever want to leave.

Safe to say that last night was actually pretty amazing. Wish the hungover wasn't such a bitch though, but on the other hand, if you wanna survive my family? Might as well start drinking early in the day. Hungover is a small price to pay. There's two ways to go when dealing with the fam. If you got booze – good. If you don't – bad. Start drinking at 8am, keep going till 8pm and hope for the best.

Do play some Adams, while I get sobered up and showered and inspect my skin, please pray to god that that David tattoo didn't get a matching one on the other side. I have a bad habit of doing stupid shit when drunk. Jesus christ.''

Funny how things change isn't it? One minute you're happy and one minute later, things come crashing like a stack of cards. Most of my dedicated readers know what I'm on about. The rest, I'm sorry but this is a topic for another time. Let's keep the memory positive and happy. No need for more sadness.

I was going to actually tie this post in with a review of Bryans album ''Reckless'' which is my favourite one. I just remembered too late that I don't actually have it no more. Sucks. I need to get a new copy at some point. And about a dozen others. Sigh. So since there's no review now, I managed to dig up these three pictures from the gig in 2014. We never saw it together, the ex in the post and I. But the concert was still pretty amazing. Remind me to do it again someday. When life is actually close to normal again. If that's ever going to happen. I have little hope for a normal world.

 

Is it just me or do you also feel surreal looking at concert pics and videos? Feels like…I don't know. It just feels strange. I haven't seen more than 3 people together for months. Actually I haven't seen people at all for months. A concert with 60 000 people? Wild. And fuck I miss it so much. The thrill. The happiness. Say what you will but 70% of my utter mysery is the fact that I have nothing to look forward to. My best friend used to say to never put all your happiness in a boy because when he's gone you got nothing. He was right of course. But I never once thought that putting my happiness into bands and concerts could result in the same outcome. They're gone, and I got nothing. Sigh.

Now, excuse me while I dig myself an even deeper hole by going into my concert files and watch some really happy memories. Enjoy the weekend you guys, play some Adams, get drunk, eat spoonfulls of Nutella. Whatever works. Cheers.

 

Sharp pains impaling through my heart slowly tearing me apart.

It's been getting really hard to write these posts. Inspiration has dropped below zero and don't even get me started on productivity. I haven't managed to finish a book or even listen to a whole album lately. But (mostly so y'all don't forget me) here's something from the time when inspiration was still a thing. A couple progress pictures from start to finish, of how I do a drawing. I am actually quite proud of this piece, I think it came out great, and that's something I never do, which you probably noticed, so for me to actually like it, that's a big thing. So hope y'all like it too. Right click and open in new window for a better view ;)

Alexi Laiho 1979 - 2020 

''When you appear as an angel knocking me down, looking my way, could you ever kill the pain in my heart? Even though they say angels don't kill.''

   

“After all, if there is a heaven, we will find each other again, for there is no heaven without you.”

I am so tired of living in historical events. Enough. Done. Tired.

I was so used to writing these posts up front, like a week before posting, sometimes more, but these days? Fuck so much is happening that that became impossible. America? What the actual fuck? I mean I'm not particularly surprised, we've all watched the slow build up till this happened. I must say Capitol was not on my 2021 bingo list but here we are. What disgusts me the most though is that the clown  actually said to these terrorists (yes terrorists, not protestors) ''I love you, you're very special''. Let that sink in. They. Are. Very. Special. I mean yeah, they are, but not in the positive sense of the word.

Also earthquakes? What the actual fuck? Our country and our neighbors shook well over 100 times in the past week and a half. Seriously? It came to a point where you feel phantom earthquakes, you constantly feel like the earth beneath you is shaking when in reality it's all in your head. Though it's pretty mild here I can't even imagine the people on the actual center area. Constantly  literally fearing for your life? Tough shit.

And just today, gas explosions. What the fuck? What is going on? I mean accidents happen yes but excuse me? 2020, the year that keeps on giving even after it ended. It's exhausting. Breathing alone is exhausting.

And Jesus Christ I can't believe it's January 8th and here I am still rambling about lockdowns. Well you've guessed it correctly. Guess where I'm going next week? Fucking nowhere because we are what? STILL on lockdown and STILL on police hour, like we were during occupation. Which you know means there was an actual war outside. Will this madness never end? It's been yet another tough week with a nice surprise thrown in between, but honestly, yet another week of lockdown? And probably more after? I'm not sure how much more my sanity can take. Probably it's hanging by a thread as is. Has been before Corona. I surprised myself for not snapping yet (knock on wood).

In such times I tend to shut down completely. You know how Sherlock has his ''mind palace''? Yeah, kinda like that. I can literally stare at my wall for hours, guess that's a side effect of being never alone but always lonely. The feeling is even worse lately. Having friends all over Europe is tough, they don't live in such prison like we do here, they live their lives more normally than we had in months, and in turn they're obviously busy. Add that to my constant loneliness and melancholy. Not being allowed to go anywhere, everything closed down, not being able to visit anyone doesn't help either. Sigh. Fuck, I hate feelings.

Or maybe I'd shut down binge watching a tv show, already scared to finish Vikings, I hear the ending is (once again, what a surprise) not too satisfying. But tbh, I've been wanting to re-watch Shadowhunters, and Mayans (yes again, don't you judge me). But what I did in between the horror of this week is finally read this book.

(Nicholas Sparks / The longest ride / Romance, Fiction)

I have a love hate relationship with Sparks. Sometimes I wonder who pissed in his cereal cuz he's so fucking bitter. It's fiction, can't let people be happy in a fictional story? Someone's always dying, someone always ends up hurt…and on the other hand I think he's a genius. Not many authors can write things quite as romantically beautiful as he can. Sappy as fuck sure, but sometimes in this cold, dark, bitter world, sappy as fuck is just what you need. At least I do.

This is another book, which I saw the movie first. Listen you can't expect me to not watch it when baby Eastwood is in it (yum!). I'm only human after all. And actually good thing I saw the movie first so I know the book is ''safe'' to read. I despise, literally despise sad endings, and what a waste it is if you go through like 400 plus pages of a good story only to be disappointed in the end? No thank you.

I'm a hopless romantic after all. I love a good love story. Usually amogst supernatural beings, angels, demons, vampires, you know the works, but every now and then humans will do too. Especially if those humans are sexy sexy cowboys. I go all soft for those.

''The longest ride'' tells a story of three, well actually four, main characters, Sophia, Luke, Ira and fourth character Ira's wife, Ruth, who has passed away. The book alternates points of view. Which is something that usually bothers me, I don't like these swaps, like I don't like major time skips but sometimes, in some books it works. So here it works perfectly. Not only because of the way the story is set up, but because it just flows nicer this way. And there are parts of the story only a certain person and a certain point of view can explain.

The story starts with Sophia a college student, studying art, I can relate to her, minus the blonde hair, we're a lot alike. Don't you love that in a book? Where you can find simmilarities and really connect to a character? Even if usually it's the bad guys I mostly relate to. Sigh. Sophia meets and starts a pretty unlikely romance with a rodeo rider named Luke. Not that we blame her. Who wouldn't? I'm sorry but a bull riding cowboy, in like tight Wranglers and cowboy boots? I'm getting a bit overheated here. I think the country girl in me is strong. This book makes me miss summer like crazy, bonfire nights, Fireball whiskey and mudding. Not that I saw any of that this summer. Well not that I saw anything this summer.

Of course the way Sophia and Luke meet has to be the perfect cliche, damsel in distress kinda thing. Sophia's ex badgering her and Luke stepping in to help. I've been thinking, I handle a jackass myself any day of the week, but if we're talking about sexy cowboys, I'd just might let him swoop in and save the day.  Along side with Sophia and Lukes story, Ira (stuck in a car after an accident, freezing. Here's the bitter I talked about) tells his story, of his life with his wife Ruth. I find Ruth so charming. An immigrant from Vienna (literally one of my top five favourite cities in the world) also an art lover, which is a parallel to Sophia and just generally the way she's described. She's funny, she's smart, she's beautiful.

It gets a bit confusing when the story shifts back and forth like this but eventually the stories collide and it all makes sense. Ira was literally put in Sophia's path because without even knowing they needed eachother. They were just what the other needed in their life. Sophia and Lukes life runs on different paths, he a country boy, she a city girl. Different goals, different ideas, which you know tests your relationship, and tests your love. It's never easy. Sophia and Luke both have hard decisions to make and Ira makes a huge difference in that choice.

I love how this book is literally as the title says ''the longest ride''. Life. From the begining of your path with that special someone to the end. You know from the moment (before really but lets be romantic) you say ''I do'', to the ''till death do us part''. As a marriage should be. I want to believe that when you say I do that's it. Not a prison sentence mind you but actually love, partnership. That's what I want anyways. I know nothing is forever, and I know you can never know for sure but I don't want to say I do if it's not forever. If I can't look behind on my life someday, looking at the happy memories and smile, knowing I did at least something right, then I don't want it at all. Sigh. A dreamer I know. Shut up. Let me dream.

Sophia and Lukes story is the romantic part and the dominant part of the story, Ira is more at the side, but I liked how he remembered his wife, reliving their happy memories, their life. And my, what a life that was. Full of love, laughter, art, travel, happiness. What more can you ask for? It kinda makes you sad too you know. They're only memories. Sure they lived a happy life, and he has pretty much zero regrets but they're just that. Memories. And memories though they make an experience great, tend to hurt like hell. But the way memories and life of Ruth and Ira are depicted makes you feel like true love does in fact last forever and actually exists. It's not all sunshine and cupcakes by the way, it's not a fairytale. There's downs as well. Bumps in the road. But they made it work. They did it together, fought for eachother. For their love. I think we're so lacking that these days. People give up on everything too easy. They give up on eachother, they give up on love. Their relationship. Listen to me boys, all any woman wants is that you fight for her. That you show you care and are willing to put in the work.

What I loved was how Ruth and Ira were art collecting. During their honeymoon, Ruth fell in love with some pieces of then unknown artists, which is what really sparked the fire. That's another thing I desire, buying art, because you love it not because it's worth money. I mean it's not bad if it is but really, art should be bought with the heart not with the price sticker. Just as life would have it though, by the time we read this story and Ira is stuck in his car, he is worth millions. And he was left to decide what to do with the thousands of art pieces they collected over the years. Like, imagine, you buy a young Pollock for say ten bucks because it speaks to you, because you happen to like it and 60 years later it's worth millions. Crazy. I argue about this with my family non stop. What would happen if you were one of the few lucky ones that find a dusty Monet on their attic. They'd sell right away of course, and I'm the psycho, crazy one because I say ''over my dead body''. They don't get it, like many people don't. Money is just money. Paper. Sure it's nice having it but there's millions of these ''paper pieces'' on this planet. How many are there Monet paintings? I'd much rather have it hanging on my wall then a million on the bank account. Guess, I'm crazy.

As we focus on Sophia and Luke again, her college is in the ''country'', so her dreams of working in a museum are clearly compromised if she wants to stay with Luke. Tough. Whatcha gonna do? Leave your career goals or leave the love of your life? I don't think you can ever choose. You let go of your dreams you'll regret that forever. You leave the person you love, you may never love again. Nothing is a sure way to happiness. Maybe adapting your dreams and goals is the best way. A compromise of sorts. Well when Luke told Sophia just how bad one of his bull riding accidents was she left him no room for compromises. Either riding or her. I mean I get it you know. You love someone, you want them safe, you can't stand the thought of anything ever happening to them. But also on the other hand, ultimatums are not leading to a happy relationship either. You love your person but you also love what you do. Having to choose. How can you? Not to mention bull rides are well paid and Luke needed that money to keep the family farm. You know how it is. If you can't do what you want, you do what you have to, just to keep on going. In a way, his mother owning the farm, what Luke was forced to do was choose between Sophia and his mother. But well, you can imagine what he chose. Sophia. And the fact that he just let it go, walked away, all for her. I'm sorry while I cry my weight in tears. Ultimate romantic gesture is it not?

The story lines crash when Sophia and Luke find Ira. And that sparks an unlikely friendship between Sophia and Ira, she would visit him and read his letters that he'd written to his wife. Cue in the water works. Do people do that these days? Can anyone write a romantic love letter any more? I mean…it's all social media and heart emojis, but can anyone still appreciate written word? Or putting emotions into words. I know, I'm one to talk…but that doesn't mean I wouldn't swoon at al proper love letter.

I was debating if I should give you the ending spoilers but let's be honest this entire post is a spoiler. It was kinda leading to this particular ending through the entire book, Sophia and Ruth being alike in so many ways. Sophia befriending Ira. Ira's art collection that needed a new loving owner…but he didn't just leave it to her in a will mind you. Months after he died there's an art auction that Sophia and Luke attend. An auction of Ira's art collection, but they didn't know it's his. And the first painting that goes on sale is an insignificant portrait of his wife. A portrait that has no value but it meant everything to Ira. Luke knowing that, bought the painting for four hundred dollars after nobody else bid on it. Just a few moments after buying it the auction ends and he finds out that because he bought it, Ira left his entire art collection to him. Oh my god. Honestly, in that moment if I was Luke, I think I'd faint. Die. Have a heart attack. Combust into flames or all of the above. I don't know. Something. So of course with this act of kindness, Luke has the money to save his mothers ranch, Sophia has the museum she always wanted to work in and Ira is with Ruth as he wished all along.  It's a beautiful ending, it all comes together just as it should. It leaves you happy and content and warm inside. That's just what I meant, this is all I want when reading fictional books. There's enough suffering and darkness on this planet. I don't need angsty and bullshit endings in my books as well. Or series. I'm looking at you Supernatural.

So here's the deal, if you're into romance, even if just every now and then, you may find yourself really enjoying this one. I know I did, and I usually don't even read Sparks. We all need to escape in a place that's happier than ours every now and then.

There's more to pain than meets the eye.

This post was going to be something completely different. Like literally I had a whole long post written, the usual mix of music review and personal ramblings that nobody cares about. Should I say I jinxed myself by writing ahead? It was about music I don't own, have ordered online, and it never showed up. This is that ''everything I plan goes wrong'' thing I talked about the other day. Cursed. Sigh. Next time I guess. Keeping the post though for…well don't know when. Sometime. 

How was your New Years then? Feels funny writing New Years when it doesn't feel like one at all. I'm not much of a party girl tbh, I don't do social gatherings, in a party in a house with pets, do expect me mingling with them, not humans. Family events which I was forced to go to up to two years ago made me gag and I was always the ''crazy aunt''. A bit young for the part but you get the point, right? Shows up late, dressed like glam Morticia Addams with a bottle of wine, already drunk, going ''what's up bitches?'' when walking in. People would say we were like the winners of a genetic lottery. My ''posh'' family and then me, all leather and lace with ''too much'' black liner. It never bothered me, it only bothered them. Funny how family always knows how to judge and be negative about things. I can't for the life of me imagine why I (an intellectual) would look at someone in a leather jacket sideways or think anything but the person is wearing it because they're cold. Honestly, if I had a cent for each insult I've heard from my family alone I'd be living in a (black) Disney castle by now with a Bentley parked outside. And the biggest irony of it all? I get constantly bitched at for being so ''negative'', and ''hateful'', and ''violent'' and how is it possible I never have anything nice to say about anything or anyone, and how is it possible that I have such horrible opinion of myself, and why do I feel I am never good enough at everything I do. Oh wow, no matter I only been treated that way all my life. It's only everything I know. My point here is, parents take it easy on your kids. And kids that are yet to have kids, please don't pass on damaging things on your kids just because your parents did. It's not right and it's not the way. Always be better.

Specially after 2020, it wasn't only a tough year for us, it was a tough year for our kids as well. 

I went down the rabbit hole, reading New Years posts for ten years back. And hell, it's been a rough decade. I guess the world wide panic, depression, lonliness, numbness, didn't really effect me as much because well my past ten years have been 2020. Maybe that's the real reason why I'm the way I am. Detached. Sure life is what you make it and all that, but what are you supposed to do when things going on in your life are literally out of your control? 

Speaking about out of control, this first portion was written earlier, writing the entire post today (4.1.2021) I just can not believe, the news that started the day. The passing of Alexi Laiho, one of the best guitar players in the world, and one of the kindest people one could meet. I'm sitting here shell shocked. Day four on this alien planet in a new era and this is how it starts? You guys I am cancelling my subscription to 2021. Alexi was kind, caring, loving, funny, awesome, sweet, gifted, and he will be missed so much. Life most definatelly isn't fair.

There's not much one can say after such a begining to a new year. Add lockdown week I don't even know which at this point. Add constant pouring rain. I feel like living in an experiment, like, how much can happen before people go completely crazy. Like living in a snow globe, life outside goes on but you're stuck in some sorta bubble. I don't think anyone expected a miracle. At least I didn't. It's not like someone is going to wave their magic stick and things will fall into place. I, personally, just needed new year as closure you know. An end to the horror show that was 2020, regardless of what 2021 brings. 

In that spirit, join me on Friday for a book review (if I manage enough creativity for a good pic. All these ''bookstagramers'' are killing me). A sappy, perfect, romantic novel by Nicholas Sparks. Yes, sometimes I read those too. Spoiler alert, every girl likes a little bit of romance now and then. 

Here's to another week in hell, sorry, quarantine. Cheers guys.