If I had a heart I could love you, if I had a voice I would sing.

So I decided to cut Friday and Monday's posts. From now on it's going to be either Friday or Monday. I just don't have the time anymore and I don't want to force writing, or write pointless stuff just so I update something. I mean writing was never a passion of mine, I enjoy it but it's more of an outlet to let all the frustrations out, my passion is music and art. And I rather spend that extra hour sketching something then slamming my head on the table trying to find words or something to complain about when in reality everything annoys me. Ever feel like that? Like everything is going on your nerves? I do, more then I'm willing to admit.

There's something that really annoys me today and I can't believe someone even has to write it down. Fandoms are a great thing, I love the love and support fans show eachother, I love bands who call their fandoms families, I love the sense of belonging somewhere it gives you. You know, you don't have to know the people around you but when you're all in that venue you're all there because you love the same music, the same people, music brings you together despite race, religion, age, skin color, nobody cares about those things and that's something I actually love most.

But lately...I don't know what's going on, there's new fans in fandoms, ''kids'', and they are just so full of hate, negativity, everything is a fight. I don't know how they can't seem to understand simple things. You can be a fan of an artist and hate their song, or an album, I actually think that makes you more of a fan since you're capable of admiting that not everything they do is a god given gift. I love Motley Crue more then...let's not go there...let's just say a lot. But you won't see me fawning over Theatre of pain. I don't like that record and I never will. And why should that make me less of a fan? Or a fake fan? Stupid. Thing is, it doesn't matter what you say, these kids treat everything like it's world war III and it is just exhausting. I am too old for teenage drama. Like seriously children, go back to your sandbox and leave grandma alone.

So how about for a change you stop spreading paparazzi pictures of your favorite bands? I'm sure they'd appreciate it. How about you stop participating in gossping about their private lives? They don't owe you anything, they're still just people, what goes on in their private lives is private, should be private, and none of anybody's business. How about you stop harrasing them with idiotic tweets and messages and comments? It's wrong, it's weird, it's creepy. How about you stop telling them how to live their lives, who to love, what to do, how to do their job? What makes you think you have any right to do it in the first place is beyond me. Don't pretend you know what's best for someone just because you think you're oh so in love with them.

It would be so nice and I know they would appreciate it too if for a change you'd treat them like human beings which after all they are beneath the fame, they have bad days too, they're just people too. It would be nice if you'd show them some basic respect and learn that they need space too. It would be nice if instead of all the drama and nonsense you'd just tell them how much you enjoy their work, how much it means to you. It would be nice if for a change you'd support them the right way, sharing their music, movies, videos, buy their records, attend their concerts and most importantly treat other fans right. There's no such thing as a ''more important fan''. We're all here for the music aren't we? Does it matter if you liked the band for years and somebody else only liked them for a month? I think it doesn't.

I am so done with these kids being so ''smart'', abusing the bands, abusing the fans, causing the bands to snap and delete their social media accounts because they can't take it no more. Seriously! They are just people like you and me, they deserve respect just like we do and they don't need to be subjected to all the name calling and other bullshit just because you asume they can take it.

Honestly I love my bands, but I don't stick my nose in their private lives, if they decide to share anything then great, if not, respect that. It's the music you listen to after all. And what's even worse that I just can't comprehend is the hate and abuse the fans show towards eachother. Why? Why can't we all play nice? We all have something in common don't we? So why can't we be friends? Why all the name calling? And the hate? The jealousy? It's insane and pointless, there's so much hate on this planet already, why produce more? And based on something that should bring happiness and love?

I think this quote tells you perfectly how it should be...

“Never underestimate a girl’s love for her favorite band. Never think even for a minute, that she won’t defend them to her death. Because it’s not just the music that makes that band her favorite. It’s the guys, the gals. It’s the fans. People whom of which she has interacted with thanks to the band. That band might of saved her life, or just made her smile everyday. That band has never broke her heart and has yet to leave her. No wonder she finds such joy in her music.”

― Alex Gaskarth

Be kinder to eachother guys, love harder, be nicer, don't drag people down just for the fun of it, help them instead, it'll give you much more pleasure. This world could be such a different nicer place if only we learned a little compassion...

Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one...right?

Stay safe out there guys and spread a little love not hate.

There's room for two, six feet under the stars.

''She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn't supposed to look nice, it was supposed to make you feel something.''

Lovely quote aint it? I don't know who wrote it though. I saw it on tumblr too many times as well as painted on a wall downtown. I just thought it was pretty amazing.

Today really isn't amazing on the other hand. One of those days when I literally want to tell everything and everyone to fuck off, fall back to bed and never get out again. Somedays you know, somedays may be lemonade but others really are like razor blades. It's funny though how these bad days just won't end. I got a little advice for those days, I know a lot of you feel like that sometimes so...

Try getting lost in something you love. For me it's music and drawing. No therapy out there better then a little GN'R and a new 2B graphite pencil running so perfectly across the paper. Even if it's just doodles watching the pencil draw the lines is really calming for me.

Remember that despite things being upside down, your heart breaking, your world falling apart, you're alive and breathing. You've made it this far and even if it feels like it will never get better, someday it will. Where you are right now it's not your final destination, you're not a tree, rooted to a single spot, the pain is temporary and it will get better.

There's a simple solution to it really. When life is good say thank you and count your blessings, enjoy it, live, and when it's bad say thank you anyways, thank you for the experience, then learn and grow. There's no light without darkness and no stars without night right? I like to think that all the bad is just the path we need to walk on to get to the good things in life.

Look for positive things in daily life even if it's hard. Could be something really small that made you smile. I was really in hell today, and the day isn't over yet, but there was a tiny moment in between as I was walking home and I cut a corner and there was a black kitten, shy looking but really adorable and as I stopped because I didn't want to scare it off, it came to me and let me pat it. And it may seem like nothing but to me it was a big thing. I still believe animals have more compassion then people ever will and it was so comforting.

Does life really have to be perfect to be wonderful? Sometimes we should all take a moment and count our blessings. No matter what happens, just having a roof over our heads and food on the table makes us richer then most. I tend to forget that a lot, which doesn't mean I'm not grateful it just means I'm used to take such things for granted but they're far from it.

You know what's funny really? We don't even know how much power we have. We are always one step, one choice from changing our lives completly. If you don't like something then change it. I get it, easier said then done, life is hard, quitting your job because you hate your boss isn't as easy as it seems specially when there's rent to pay, but come on...you literally only have one life, is it really worth not taking a risk? Is it worth being numb and ''comfortable'' in something you don't even like? I think not. Every new decision, new path is hard, but honestly I think it's worth it. We literally have all the power and control to make this life everything we ever dreamed of, so are we really going to let reality discourage us? Think about it for a second...

There's something I tell myself every morning while staring at my reflection in the mirror ''It doesn't matter how you feel, get up, dress up, show up and never give up''. I'm not saying it always helps but most days it does. You can't be the victim, you can't let life bring you down on a daily basis. Get a grip and move on. Thing is, we are all lost, you're not alone, people love to pretend to have their shit together but they don't. The older I get the more sense this has. I used to envy adults thinking well they've got their life all sorted out, boy was I wrong. Nobody knows what they're doing or the ''right way'' to do life, we're basically all winging it. Honestly you're not alone.

Overthinking is a ''silent killer''. If you keep thinking about it, it will slowly drive you insane. It's not worth it, breathe, let it go. What's done is done, you can still fix it later but there is no point in driving yourself crazy within your own mind. It's not uncommon for our minds to create issues that aren't even there as well. Inhale, exhale and remember everything will be alright, panic doesn't help you one bit.

Sometimes we are forced to move on and leave things and people behind. And that's alright, some things, some people belong in the past, we just don't see it untill we are forced to see it. Honestly though, no pain is pointless, except the pain we cause ourselves...there's beauty in hurting, when you move on, when the storm has settled take a look at what you learned, and remember just because you're struggling it doesn't mean you're failing too. You're so strong and so brave. Every single success story has a lot of hard work and struggle behind it. Good things take time, and patience and dedication is the way to reach them.

And one last thing, maybe the most important one too. When it feels like there's nothing but negativity and hate around you, do your best to be positive. This is something I'm still struggling with. It's so hard to be happy and smiling when I feel like everything is falling apart but smiling when other people or life for that matter tries to bring you down is the best attitude towards the problem you could have. You can't let the worlds ugliness or the people's negativity bring you down and crush your spirit. Some people make it their mission to bring others down and you shouldn't give them the satisfaction of winning. Thing is people will run their mouths no matter what you do, may it be wrong or right they will always find something, that's just how the human brain works, so instead of worrying about what somebody else thinks, worry about you, do right for you, if you believe in something then fight for it without backing down. Real strength and pleasure comes from doing something everyone says you can't do.

In that spirit, I will share an old picture, from this old life, a life I used to have, a life I miss everyday, but also a life I am moving on from. It's in the past, I can't go back no matter how badly I wish I could. It's over, it's done and it's time for me to take a breath and let go of what is holding me back. Doesn't mean I won't miss it, it only means I won't let it control me anymore, it may feel like it was better, that I was happier...but nothing is stopping me from making this mess that I'm stuck in right now even better then anything I ever had. All the limitations I put on myself are just in my head.

''Time to lay claim to the evidence fingerprints sell me out but our footprints' washed away from the docks downtown, it's been getting late for days and I feel myself deserving of a little time off we can kick it, hang for hours and just mouth off about the world and how we know it's going straight to hell...

Pass me another bottle, honey, the Jager's so sweet but if it keeps you around, then I'm down, meet me on Thames Street, I'll take you out though I'm hardly worth your time. In the cold you look so fierce but I'm warming up because the tension's like a fire...

We'll hit South Broadway in a matter of minutes and like a bad movie I'll drop a line, fall in the grave I've been digging myself but there's room for two, six feet under the stars.''

All time low - Six feet under the stars

Sam moja.

There's a quote in my girl's favorite book, A farewell to arms by Ernest Hemingway, it goes; ''You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering''.

And it's true, I tend to forget that a lot. I focus on my own ''hell'' and forget that somebody I love is going through their own hell as well. There are really no apologies except simply that I'm an asshole who doesn't deserve someone as good as the girl I got. And an even bigger asshole for not telling her that over and over and over again everyday.

It's four in the morning, I can't sleep because these things are keeping me awake. So instead I was standing on the balcony, looking at the city lights, it was so calm and quiet, the most romantic city in the world they call it. And hell, all I'm thinking about is how we should be here together. This entire time I was here, I was jumpy, on egde, in a mood, and nothing helped, not booze, not sleeping, not even Montmartre that I actually love so much. And you know why? Because I'm here alone. It feels so completly wrong that I can't even put it into words. And the problem is everywhere I look all I can think about is ''oh she would of love this'' or ''god this looks just like something she'd do'' and it's bloody torture. It is torture to wake up in the middle of the night, reaching for the person that is supposed to be right next to you and they're a thousand miles away.

And you know it's funny because I used to be completely independent. Literally didn't give a flying fuck, people were just people, I never missed anyone like this before. But I suppose this makes perfect sense. I’ve never had what I have now and every single moment spent apart just feels stupid. It makes me question ''what the fuck are you doing?'' what the hell am I doing here? Alone? When I should be sitting on the couch with her, watching Civil war for the thousand time and listen to her rants about her awful day, let's face it there's been ''a few'' of those lately. Yet I feel like I failed her yet again and quite honestly I hate myself for it.

Responsibility is responsibility, I get it but I'm at a point where I literally want to say fuck everything and everyone and go home and never leave again. Being away is so hard. And I know that sounds extreme and unreasonable, but I just don’t like not being able to fall asleep with her every night. And I don’t like not being able to sit next to her doing nothing or slowing her down from making tea or coffee because I just HAD TO kiss her right that second. She gets so ''mad'' it's adorable. Be happy they said you're home. No I aint home. Not without my better half because honestly she is my home. I'm not home because when I wake up in the middle of the night to get some water nobody sleepily complains about how cold my bare arms are when I come back to bed. And I'm not home because nobody is there to tell me they missed me after a long day of work, I'm not home because nobody wakes me up at three in the morning going ''hey you awake?'' and though any sane person would want to strangle her for that I can't help but smile when I ask her what's up and she goes ''nothing I just need you to know right now that I love you so much''...and I am certainly not home because nobody is there to kiss me goodbye in the morning. The kind of kiss that makes you want to be irresponsible and forget work even exists.

I suppose that is why I was distant, or cold lately, I didn't know how to handle these feelings and didn't want to look like a complete pussy which in the end made me a complete dick anyways. The only truth there is, is that I miss her so much that I fear every little conversation will force me to go straight to the airport and back home. I honestly can't live with myself knowing I'm over here and she's all the way over there, her own ''demons'' keeping her awake at night. Demons I should help her chase away in the first place...

Doll, I'm so sorry, I feel like all I do lately is aplogize for my idiotic behavior, it's not you, it's not any other woman, it's just me being an immature ass who doesn't know how to handle his emotions. Working on that though, might be why I'm baring my soul on your blog for *too* many people to see. The thing that's been driving you so crazy, the choice you can't seem to make. I can't do it for you but I want you to know, whatever you decide I will support you, because that's what I should be doing in the begining, instead of looking at my own selfish agenda's I should put your wishes first. If you feel like this is something you need to do, something you want to do then do it, I'll be here every step of the way. If it gets hard I will help you, you're not alone in this. And if you decide against it that's okay too, no matter what happens we'll be alright just please, think about what you want. Not what your family wants or me or anyone else. But you. You are the only one that matters in this situation. And I am so sorry for not telling you this sooner...

''Sam ti si moja kralica tista, k mi da nasmeh na lica. Čis zares, zalublen do ušes, dvigaš me iz dna, peleš do nebes, nebi te zamenju niti za diamante, pozab druge fante, js mam te, ne dam te.''

P.S. I know you despise Valentine's day, I do too but humor me tomorrow because I've got a little surprise for you.

G.R.

Wild is the wind

''Wild, wild is the wind that takes me away from you. Cold is the night without your love to see me through. Wild, wild is the wind that blows through my heart tonight that tears us apart, wild is the wind...''

I'm sorry for being ''missing in action'' for so long guys. I've been real busy studying for my finals, one of which didn't go so well in the first place. It's been really difficult and I will honestly thank both god and the devil if I manage to get through at least with a positive grade. I've been having a bit of a tough time lately as is. A lot of difficult decisions to be made. The type that can change your life forever...I'm actually terrified to make the wrong one.

Though you know I actually believe there are no wrong choices, the choices you make are just choices, they don't define you. Sure you might take a wrong turn and get a little lost but isn't that just experience? Isn't that what makes you alive and human? Taking the wrong path and making a couple of mistakes is a part of life. I mean if you take no risks what will you do? Be static in one place, too afraid to live your life? It all makes sense doesn't it? But once you're actually standing on a crossroad trying to decide which way to go, things get a little harder. Following your heart sounds like a smart thing to do, but what do you do when your head and your heart don't see eye to eye. When in your heart you know what's right for you but in your mind it's not?

And what do you do if you get disappointed? If the outcome of the path you've chosen isn't what you were hoping for? Shouldn't that be just emotional evolution? Shouldn't that be something that makes you smarter, wiser, better? I mean I don't think you're doing yourself any favors when you decide against something you want to do because you're afraid of failing. How will you know if you never try? Would you rather spend all your life wondering ''what if'' or ''if only I would...'' doesn't seem like much of a life to me. So you fall down but you need to get back up and never stop fighting. Life like love is a battlefield and at the end of the day failure or disappointment is what gives you opportunity to redefine your life. Makes you more resiliant...

I think what we need to learn from ''bad'' choices is self forgiveness. Chances are nobody is going to be as hard on you as you are on yourself. But you can't always expect to be perfect...to make perfect choices...why not accept the beauty in imperfection and move on? What really is perfect anyways? Do you want perfection? Do you want life without a couple of bumps in the road? Life without challenges and obsticles...it might sound like a good thing but I have a feeling it would get boring pretty quickly.

And if you think about your ability to make a decision...to make one is supposed to be your birth right. Good or bad it's yours and you have the power to make it and the power to change something. How would you feel if those were taken away from you? Powerless? Suffocated? Lost? Traped? Not something I'd want to feel. I rather make mistakes and feel free and independent while doing them then being stuck and lost.

What would good choices feel like without the bad ones? When something goes wrong you learn to enjoy something that goes right that much more. It makes the victory about a million times better. It's just like that saying ''You don't know light without darkness, love without pain and courage without fear''. A couple of wrong turns make the finish line all the more sweeter. I suppose mistakes and a taste of victory after a few wrong turns is what inspires you to move forward, to do better, to be bolder and braver.

Bottom line there are no mistakes, there are no bad decisions, there are no wrong choices. All there is are experiences. Every ''wrong'' or ''bad'' in your life is just a learning opportunity. You decide if you want to learn from it or if you want it to drive you crazy. You are not your decisions, they don't define you as good or bad. If you learn to look at these things from a different perspective you can see them as gifts. Just ask yourself ''what did I learn?'' and listen to your heart, I do actually believe that all of us, deep down in our hearts, we know what's right for us, all we need to do is have courage, be kind, take charge, be brave and take responsibility. This life might not be perfect but it's yours and you decide should it be something you enjoy or something you regret.

All that aside...it doesn't help with my anxiety much, I'll still sit here driving myself half mad, worried, stressed out and paranoied if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm just losing time, it this is the right decision for me...and it doesn't help much that in my heart I know what I have to do. I'm still confused, but I rather try and fail then regret not doing anything for the rest of my life. Sometimes you just got to face your fears no matter how scared you are.

Either way before I drive myself completly insane...here's two of my latest works, and it's funny how all these emotions and stress is showing on my work. My drawings aren't half as good as they used to be and I hate that fact. Now excuse me while I go wrack my brain a little more and write a long list of pro's and con's, and possibly curse all the saints because the fact that I'm a Libra isn't helping in this particular situation...be brave Nikki, be brave, take charge, everything will be alright. Probably.

P.S. This month so far has been the birthday month for so many people I love and admire so Happy *late* birthday to my favorite boys Duff McKagan, Axl Rose, Tom Hiddleston, Vince Neil, Rachel Bolan, Vic Fuentes, The Rev and James Dean, thank you for all the happiness and comfort you give me.

''You need someone to hold you, somebody to be there night and day, someone to kiss your fears away. I just went on pretending, too weak, too proud, too tough to say I couldn't be the one to make your dreams come true, that's why I had to run, though I needed you, baby. Wild, wild is the wind that takes me away from you...''

Wild is the wind - Bon Jovi