Siamo fuori di testa, ma diversi da loro.

Good evening Europe, how are we feeling today? So now when it's obvious that Saturday night wasn't just a fever dream, oh my god, can you hear me scream? I haven't been as happy with the results of the Eurovision song contest since Lordi won in 2006. Yes as a true ''Euro trash'' person as my friends like to call me due to my language switching back and forth from several languages I watch Eurovision every year and every year I'm upset over the pathetic, boring, whiny winner, and also with what crap we always send to compete but that's a story for another day when I decide if our jury who picks a winner is deaf, blind or just plain stupid. Maybe all of the above tbh.

Here's the deal, I don't get Europeans who don't watch this show, I have said several times their EU membership should be revoked, I guess they're music haters or just plain boring, maybe they just don't know how to have a little fun. The glam, the glitter, the vibe, the scenes, the sets, the lights, the music (some of it anyways) and Graham Norton's comments alone are worth it. My friends and I used to go full Elton John, sparkly dresses, sparkly makeup, feathery boas, sky high heels and an endless ammount of rose, just to sit on the couch and watch the show. Make a full freakin party out of it. Of course usually the drinking at the end was to drown the sorrows but this time it was actually in celebration. Champagne all the way baby because oh my oh my how the tables have turned this year.

Of course the entire show isn't what it used to be, before we get too political or talk about how jury handing out points is just a political move, countries giving points to their neighbors and some such shit (can I just say for once I am proud of my own country for giving Italy 12 fucking points fuck yeah! Finally out of the dumb stereotypes),  please someone explain to me what the fuck is Australia even doing on EUROvision song contest, also no hard feelings but seriously Australia what the fuck was that this year? And also Israel? With a song titled ''Set me free''? the fuck was that? a cruel joke? But BUT, you guys! The jury said Sweitzerland, a pathetic, whiny song, and the jury said France, what the fuck? fake wnb Edith Piaf making me wanna slit open my wirsts. And then THEN you guys the people have spoken and the people said fuck all of you we want Italy (took all the phones in my house and voted as many times as I could, I know I'll be dead when phone bills come in but fuck it lol). And there are no words no words to explain how happy this makes me. Lets face it, few things make me happy these days but this? This sure AF does. 

Not just because rock music won, lets face it we need more real rock n roll in our lives, we need more rock on all types of song contests, the type that's like whiskey, burns a little when you take it in ;) but also because this win is a new era. The band with their winning song is done with the boomers, it's time for the young now. The young have spoken, the young have voted. The LGBT+ have spoken and were also heard with this win and I am over the moon. Even if the offended boomers then when they had nothing left had to accuse the band of doing drugs in the middle of the event. Sure. In a full venue. They somehow smuggled in cocaine. And were doing in right when a huge fucking camera was pointed in their faces. Brilliant. So ballsy. Omg I am so fed up with these narrowminded people judging based on looks, based on some twisted idea of normality. Sick of hatred in general. Just like the song says ''you better shut up and be quiet'', only say it louder for the people in the back. 

For all y'all still not understanding how important this win is. The band came on not just with a loud rock song, ''saving'' rock n roll but with a message, they smashed stereotypes, they smashed the whole toxic masculinity (pay attention to the lead singers ink ''boys do cry''),they smashed the stereotype of love should only be between a man and a woman (cheers guys for all that boy on boy makeout sessions on stage, that got me hot and horny not going to lie lol), they are sending a message to love who ever the fuck you wanna love, fuck gender, fuck what people think, love is love. And they did this at a contest that has audiences all over the world, an estimated 200 million people watch ESC each year, in countries that still have anti LGBT+ laws, and countries that are just narrow minded, homophobic, or just plain hateful, countries that can't bare the idea of a man in makeup and high heels, or god forbid wearing clothes we can only see fit for a woman (women wear pants which are ''male'' clothes, why can't a man put on a skirt?), god forbid a man looking a bit too feminine. The music could be absolute shit and this alone would be enough for me to make them winners. Of course good music is just an added bonus but really this is amazing on so many levels, they are showing the younger generations the importance of accepting yourself for who you are, to love yourself and whoever else you wanna love, and ugly rumors being formed because of that, because they don't fit in your frame of ''normality'', or trying to minimise their win is pathetic and ugly and distasteful. 

For all y'all wanting to attack me ''his head was down he was snorting coke'' fuck you, it takes longer than 2 seconds to snort up a row of coke and fuck you because all he was doing was picking up a broken glass, and fuck you for hating them because they're different, and fuck you for hating them for standing up for gay and bi rights. 

Thank you Måneskin for being you, for brining the breath of fresh air and for standing up for what you believe in, I love it so much, and who knows maybe see you in Italy in 2022. That be great. And also btw just food for thought, Italy and their economy being as it is, step into the bands shoes and just imagine getting entire Europe so fucking horny you collapse your country's economy. If that aint the most badass and the most rock n roll thing you can possibly do then I just don't know what is. Lol. At the end of the day though why am I even getting worked up about this, people are stupid, they'll always be stupid and at the end of the day ''parla la gente purtroppo, parla non sad i che cazzo parla''. Now that I'm done with that, I apologise to all my non EU readers, us Europeans tend to be insufferable during ESC week. Just ask Tumblr users lol. Lucky though all my friends are just as crazy as I am, passionate actually not crazy, and we freak out for a week together. You should have seen us when we were actually AT the song contest. Lol. Craziness multiplied.

Now that I got all the happy and also angry out…can I touch a bit of sadness (why is my brain telling me ''can I play with madness'' instead lol)? You know it hasn't been that long since one of my best friends died, and then another, and then another. Like some sick deathrow, dropping one by one. I don't get it. I can't process it. I don't know how it's fair or right. I don't know how I'm supposed to unpack or even begin to unravel all these emotions. I don't understand how people just expect me to be ''normal'', to cope, to function, to be nice, to tolerate them, to smile and carry on, to work, to be productive. I just wanna scream. I just wanna break things. I don't get it. This world is broken. We all have our own struggles, and our own limits, I get that. But we don't all heal in the same time frame. Some need a year, some need ten, some never get fully better, just sorta functional. Why can't we understand that? Why can't we show if not compassion at least understanding?

It's been hard during this week because one of those friends was always watching Eurovision and being silly with me and if we weren't together we had skype running and watching ''together''. And I know he would just adore these Italian boys and lady, actually I'd send him the link as soon as they won San Remo and we'd probably fangirl for a month in advance. I mean missing someone doesn't really change. You always miss them but when something you used to do together crops up, something that really reminds you of them, then it just gets unbearable, maybe right now that much more because the wound is just too fresh. 

I don't know you guys, life is just hard, if you have any magical solutions as to how to make it easier, without calling Dr. Feelgood that is, I'll be here waiting, in the mean time enjoy this doodle of the pretty Italian ESC winners. Tbh that singer could spit in my mouth and I'd say ''si grazie papi'' just sayin. 

How do I live without the ones I love? Time still turns the pages of the book its burned. Place and time always on my mind I have so much to say but you're so far away.

Why is writing so hard lately? Beacuse there's nothing I want to write about. I have a whole stack of books to read that I haven't touched yet. A ton of music reviews to go through and yet nothing really inspires me lately. I guess I really can say that I'm not doing that well emotionally & mentally because shit, nothing really makes me inspired / happy lately. I never struggled this much writing about art, about music, about things I love. I don't even know, but what I did consider was opening a new gallery for black and white photography. I have a lot of dark, ''depressing'' pictures that fit my current mood and I'd like to share them or at least keep them together in one place. Gallery. 

So while I'm laying on my bed staring at the ceiling and some old rock song is playing (gotta love me some Bob Seger), I was also staring at a very faded ''tattoo'' on my ankle. Two letters and a number that spell out ''A7X''. It was created with a razor blade and liquid eyeliner, no you really don't want to know the details, crazy is crazy. It was put there by an old friend of mine during a drunken night, but to be fair it's been on my ankle for 10 years and is still visible. You can just about see it on this photo if you zoom in, but also you get to enjoy one of my favorite pair of shoes...

It's dedicated to one of the bands I really love. Or well loved. Avenged Sevenfold. I loved them for the longest time but lately haven't listened to them much. I don't know why really, do you feel that way that sometimes you just lose touch with something you love and then re connect later? So here I am, trying to remember that love I once felt, it's only semi working tbh. Maybe music tastes do change, though to be honest I still love their music, I still sing along to their songs in the car, ''Hail to the king'' is still an amazing album. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm broken somehow. 

What I realised was that I never shared few words on the one and only A7X concert I've been to. I started writing reviews later on and missed out on so many amazing shows. I try to return to some now and then but seems hard writing now, for something that happened eight (or more) years ago. Sweet jesus fucking eight years ago. Where does the time go? Most things I honestly feel like they happened months back not years. Maybe this whole state of the world is fucking with me, I can't really process that it's May 2021, I'm still mentally stuck in March 2020. 

The thing I remember most (and wish more bands did) was we got to Austria pretty early and not in the mood to roam around just meant early in front of the venue. I never mind being at the venue early, you get to mingle and talk to fans from all over Europe (sometimes even the world) and that's pretty cool. So we were at the begining of a line that kept getting longer and longer and what happened, this dude comes up was giving us bracelets (red thingy on the photo) which gave us free pass into the golden circle / front of the stage part of the venue. That was pretty damn amazing not going to lie. 

Second thing I remember was amazing effects, explosions, fire, smoke, lights, everything on point. Loud, mean and perfect. The huge skull in the back of the stage with fire in it's eyes? Freakin perfect. It made me think later that such thing is no longer possible. First because of the whole terroristic threaths, I swear several ''banging'' sound effects were cuts in venues soon after, and now, well now we all know why a packed venue full of people is impossible. Instead of crying about it though, I'm more worried if I ever get to see it again. People. Together. Having a great time. Seems…well surreal to say the least. 

The set was cut a bit shorter because Matt had an issue with his voice I remember him telling us that and that he hopes we help him sing along. Lol as if that's ever an issue on concert. The crowd was especially loud during ''Nightmare'' which you know…tingly feeling all over, it's one of my favourite songs. A pair of earplugs should be sold with the tickets though this was a damn loud show. Lol. I know ear protection is smart but it's a huge no for me. My friend once said that earplugs on concerts is like ''licking ice cream through glass'' essentially you just end up licking glass. Lol. 

A7X took Avatar and Five finger death punch along for the ride on this tour and you know, I love both bands so that was pretty much amazing for me. In most cases it's like who the fuck cares about the support, you're there to see the band. GN'R take notes, and please for the love of everything holy take someone like Scorpions or Motley Crue on tour with you. I'd love that. There have been cases though where I was looking forward to support as much as I have of the main act. Like Of mice and men with Linkin Park, obviously Five finger with A7X, Neck deep with All time low, Whitesnake with Def Leppard, Alice Cooper with Motley Crue (only wish he had the Hollywood vampires with because Joe Perry AND Johnny Depp? I would fucking die on the spot).  

Avatar are badass as is, you guys seen that makeup? It's amazing. But Five finger? They are just too cool. They did about 10 songs I believe, think it was around an hour long set, just enough to get you fired up for the ''main dish''. You know how it goes, they put us in the mood with their loud music and just the right ammount of fuck this and fuck that. Lol. I remember they did ''Under and over it'', ''Burn MF'' and ''Coming down'' because those are my favourite songs. 

Avenged don't do anything halfway. The show as mentioned above was spectacular. They really put a ton of effort, imagination and probably money in their live shows. The sound and the stage design? Perfection. I'll share a picture below of the skull, not the best picture, these are from an old phone but it paints the idea of the skull pretty well, spitting smoke and fire is just a bonus.  Fire also shot up through random songs, on cue with the music of course and flashing lights. I remember how each time that fire erupted (lucky not on the bands eyebrows lol) a wave of heat flashed through the venue only enhancing the entire experience. 

They came on stage with their ''Shepherd of fire'' that is on the ''Hail to the king'' album they were promoting. M Shadows as always in his black shades and a tank top looking as sexy as ever. Them buffed tattooed arms? Wrap them around me would you please? 

This concert in 2013 was actually the first concert they did in Vienna that's why the only show I saw. The rest was all festivals and rarely went to those to be honest. Shadows said he doesn't give a fuck if his voice is gone he's just happy to finally be in Austria. Yeah you and I both mister. The set was actually more new songs from the album they're promoting rather than old songs. This wasn't like that one time when Green Day were on tour promoting the uno, dos, tres albums and Billie Joe decides to just play the entire Dookie album instead. That was actually fun though and the concert was really long, 30 songs long! One of my faves in Austria really. 

I love that despite Jimmy is no longer with us that his vocals are recorded and heard as back vocals in some songs, feels like he's still with us. Let's be honest, nobody can do Jimmy's vocals as he does them. Also nothing but mad respect for Jimmy, y'all seen the video for ''Afterlife''? Keep in mind that he's afraid of spiders. Just saying. 

This little stroll down memory lane made me miss concert life even more than I did if that's possible and reminded me of the biggest crush I used to have on Zacky Vengeance. Hah. And to think he aint even blonde! A miracle I tell you. I think I always loved their music though due to it being close to my heart. Close to my feelings. Close to understanding, some of their songs say things better than I ever could. So here you go, enjoy these pictures with me and sweet jesus I am begging everything and everyone we get to live this gig life again. ASAP. 

I don't wanna be caught in a crossfire no more.

So here's the deal, I'm not Nikki, I don't own this blog, I'm just using it as a medium. Call this a grand gesture, you know how guys sometimes do that whole boom box in front of a girls window thing? Or stand on diner tables singing ''everything you want, I got it''? Sort of like that. I think an apology for my crimes simply through texts aint enough. I'm making it public so the entire world, the world that reads this, and there's damn many of you, can see, I'm freakin sorry. This is an apology note yes. 

So I fucked up. Again. And this time it's all my fucking fault. I let my weakness get the better of me. I let my insecurity and fear get the best of me. I let it consume me and drive me crazy and take it out on you. I get crazy with the need to protect you from everything and everyone and end up fucking up what we have.  I don't even know why I do it, you're much stronger than I am, you're my fucking hero. I don't do well under pressure, I crumble, I lose my mind, I'm going crazy and there you are, calm, collected, cool as a cucumber. You never let it show when things get hard, you put on a fake fucking smile and deal with it, like the warrior you are. 

Thing is I had never in my life felt what I feel for you. I never fell this fast and this hard as I have for you. Remember August 25th? Two or three years ago. I remember exactly what you wore, that god damn crop top and shorts that make you look amazing, and all that pefect black and purple makeup, the purple just brings your beautiful honey toned eyes out so much more. They shine in the sun. And I remember that sweet perfume that I love so much. And I remember just how broken you were, I remember the tears and the sadness, and I remember you came looking for comfort in the bottle of Jack Daniels but found it in my arms instead. I wasn't used to it, I wasn't used to you letting your guard down, letting anyone but your best friends see that side of you and I sure as hell didn't expect our ''relationship'' was there yet. 

I never told you but I was freaking out. My heart almost jumped out of my chest, I was worried it was so loud you could hear it. My fucking palms were sweating and I could have sworn that I was shaking a little bit only praying you wont notice. I was running my fingers through your hair telling you it's gonna be alright. We both knew at that point nothing will be alright and nothing was alright but that was that inner desire to protect you so I told you what you needed to hear. I think that's my problem now, I see that broken little girl, that girl that needs that ''I don't need to be the king of the world, just as long as I'm the hero of this little girl''…protection, someone who lets no harm come to her. How fucking wrong am I though? It's not you who needs protection, you're not weak, you're not a scared little girl, you stand tall and strong and don't give a flying fuck and I admire that about you so much. Sure you falter sometimes, and crumble sometimes but you're strong on all other days and you make it through it all. I think it's me who needs protection and feeling safe and stronger and tougher. I think it's me who gets hurt easier. 

I admire your strength and I admire a shit ton of other things really. I admire how selfless you are, I admire how the world put you through hell and you still believe in the good in people and in the good of the world, you still help people, you still love. It's amazing after so much pain and heartache nobody would blame you for being cold or closed off. I admire that you still have faith, I lost that faith in things being better a while back.  I admire how despite falling down several times you still get back up, smile and try again. I admire you as a person, you're amazing, too amazing for words, like you described a certain friend a post below mine, but failed to see, he loved you because you are just like him. Kind, loving, smart, funny, amazing, a beautiful soul, even if you sometimes fail to see it. I fucking swear anyone who is blessed to have you in their life, as family, as a friend, as a partner, should count their blessings because there aint nobody like you on this planet. 

Which brings us to another thing, I'm all wrong for you, I had been all wrong for you since day one when we met, I didn't always treat you right, I drove you absolutely crazy at times, still do, but I never ever not even for a second stopped loving you. Since that first moment, think it was an hour after we met when I said to myself ''fuck mate, you're in trouble'' and I was, gone for. In love. Head over heels. I may have hid things from you, maybe told you a white lie now and then, only in order to protect you, never to hurt you. I did it to protect you, I thought you couldn't handle it, but the truth is that maybe I can't handle it. Maybe I need someone to protect me from all the hurt and the pain that I'm trying to hide from you. I know I said things I shouldn't, I know I said things that hurt and as soon as those were out I literally tore my heart apart. Lets be honest, I never mean any of it, I'm an idiot who's not worthy of you and I'd rather bury myself alive than cause you more pain. I just sometimes don't know what I do. 

I remember that one day, after we met but weren't together, we were just friends at the time, so long ago, you were sitting in a corner booth of your favorite bar, sketching Slash and listening to those god awful songs only you like on your iPod, let me point out it became my favorite playlist now, because it reminds me of you. I always loved watching you draw, you're so focused, so lost in the sketch you're making that I'm pretty sure the world around you could burn down and you'd not even notice. I literally stared at you for an hour without you knowing it. Once again that same friend from the post below, with his famous eyeroll, he told me I'm fucking creepy, that I should just go and talk to you, ''she don't bite idiot''. Sure. Only sometimes. But I never did, because of him actually, the way you looked at him, like he was a walking miracle, like he hung the moon, I knew it wasn't romantic, but I just sat there wishing you looked at me like you did at him. I envied him that, he had you, all of you, all your love and friendship and admiration in a way nobody else will. And I was jealous, I wanted to be your friend at least if nothing else and too scared to even come into your life. 

He tried to hook us up again later, you'll remember ''randomly meeting'' at a concert? Well it wasn't random at all, he told me you two will be there so I went, and like an idiot I watched you the entire night like a hawk instead of talking to you. I was nervous, seems like such a pussy thing but really I was nervous, you make me nervous. That laugh sweet jesus, the way you bite your lower lip, dear lord have mercy, and you are completely oblivious to just how perfect, stunning, beautiful you are. All you see are flaws, but baby, women aren't supposed to be Barbie dolls and everything you hate about you I just love that much more. You're gorgeous. 

And I remember that one phone call that I got from your brother, in January. You know which phone call. I never dropped everything so fast and ran to get you. I can't describe the panic, anxiety and heartbreak I felt, the entire time on that plane I was going crazy. Scared of what I'm walking into, scared of how to make things better. I never really knew what a panic attack was before that day, I completely lost my mind on that plane and then counted to ten, took a deep breath, put my feelings aside and I was there for you. And the irony of this January. All bad things happen to us in January. I actually knew before, but our blonde friend didn't want to tell you when you're home alone. I felt utter dread when your phone rang that morning because I knew what he'll say, and honestly I think the entire city heard your screaming and my heart breaking. It was tearing my heart apart, all I wanted was to hold you and make the pain go away. All I wanted was to kiss the sadness away. 

You know me, I was hurt before and it made me ''tough'', stuck up, made me think I don't need anyone in my life but then you came along and now I just can't live without you by my side. I can't sleep well alone. How stupid is that? I feel like a freakin pansy. I can't function well without you with me, I literally only feel alive when we're together. Only you make me feel as happy and as free and as crazy as I do with you, you make me feel like I can be better, like I can do better, like so many things I never dared dream about are possible. Maybe I dare to dream bigger now because you make me feel like it's possible, maybe because I still wanna impress you. And honestly, most important, you make me feel loved. Loved in a way I never knew was possible and loved in a way I know nobody loved me before. And humble. Because for the love of everything holy I can't understand how is it possible that someone as amazing, breathtaking (quoting Keanu here), intelligent, smart, sassy, adorable, beautiful, gorgeous, selfless, funny, charming, cute, silly, pretty and perfect would ever love me back.

And that is why I am sorry. So fucking sorry. I can't regret anything in my life as much as I regret sayhing things to you that I didn't mean, and treating you as I did. We both know that I'm an idiot and that I'm stupid enough to fuck up, in the past, right now and in the future. I do stupid shit because I'm stupid and not worth your love. I was wrong, I was dumb and I was immature and you do not deserve the pain and anger and grief I caused you. I promised myself I'd never make you feel unwanted, rejected, worthless and I will never not hate myself for failing the simplest task I had / have, which is loving you as you deserve to be loved. Which is easy, because I do, every single part of you. I know a simple sorry can't make things right, it's just a word, a word that means little when feelings are hurt, and it can't take away what's been done. But god baby, I am so sorry, so fucking sorry for hurting you, for being a mess and fucking up the only good thing in my life.

Truth to be told you deserve someone better, someone who would treat you as a queen that you are, spoil you, take care of you, never take you for granted and never make you feel anything but loved beyond measure. I'm not sure if I'm the right person for the task but I am fucking selfish. Too selfish to let you go without a fight.

I love you, more than anything else in my life, that argument we had some time back, I have an answer for you now, I wouldn't have a problem walking away from everything you think I love most because you're wrong, comparing to you, it means nothing, you on the other hand are everything. If you find it in you to forgive me, I promise to always tell you the truth no matter what, to always be honest with my feelings, and to never again doubt you and make assumptions again.  And I will never, ever, never be the reason you're hurt ever again. I love you so much, please, just come back to me. 

Minä rakastan sinua 

Crossfire

I've been sitting on the floor next to my bed for over an hour, playing with a necklace around my neck that used to belong to someone very important to me. A very good friend of mine put it around my neck years ago. No special reason, it wasn't a gift, it was just us being silly as usual. I always have necklaces and bracelets on me, I guess that day I had nothing and he found it odd so he ''fixed it''. Fixed it like telling me to sit still and put it around my neck while commenting my perfume, saying I smell nice. Lol. Ironically to this day that very perfume he liked is one of my favourites. Maybe that much more because it reminds me of him, I don't have it no more, only wish I did, but it's one of those things, a song, a smell that triggers strong memories…The necklace itself, it's nothing special, the type of chain soldiers use for their dog tags but I guess today it's more precious than solid gold. You guessed it right, said friend is no longer with us and I wake up everyday bitter and angry and not wanting to accept it. I can't play God obviously but I can't shut off the anger I feel. I can't say I don't feel like it should be anyone else but him. I can't say I'm not angry when I see people wasting their lives when he didn't get to fully live his. I'm angry and I'm bitter and I'm furious and I can say that out loud.

I don't talk about him much. Part of me doesn't want to, part of me wants to scream how amazing he was. Part of me is dying on the inside right now at the use ''was'' I shouldn't be using was. It's not right. Part of me wants to keep him, us, our friendship hidden. Because people tend to ruin beutiful things. Part of me wants to tell the world what they're missing out on, why the world is fucking dark and gloomy and why the sun will never be as bright again. 

No matter what I say will give him justice anyways, no matter how loud I scream about his beautiful personality, there aren't words. No words to describe him. There are approx. 470 000 words in English language and it's not enough. Maybe I can tell you about some other stuff. Moments. Little pieces of our friendship….

You know there's not many things that scare me. Put a knife on my throat and chances  are I'll laugh. But, there's one thing that I absolutely can't stand. Spiders. God damn spiders are the worst thing to ever happen to this planet. And I live with people who don't seem to understand that no I'm not dramatic, and no fear is not my fault. I can't help it. I know it's irrational, I know it's stupid, I know it's pointless, I know they can't hurt me (in theory – y'all heard of those poisonous Australian beasts right?) but that doesn't take away from being afraid of them. And all my life I dealt with mockery, laughter, being told I'm stupid…and then one day, near panic attack due to what I can only call an eight legged huge monster crawling up my arm, I was shaking, almost sobbing, when said friend comes running, literally because he heard me scream. I didn't expect mockery mind you, he's not that kinda person but I did not expect what he did either. Threw the spider off, and very soothingly hands on my arms, told me to calm down, to take a deep breath and that my fear is normal, rational, nothing to be ashamed of. That was enough to make me sob. The understanding, love and care…it may not seem like a big deal to you but to me it was.

I don't consider myself an artist you know. Not in the real sense anyways. An amateur at best. I was used to getting more negative comments than positive all my life. I live in a hateful country and no matter what you do, you're never good enough, but that's alright, I mean it's not alright as in alright, people shouldn't treat each other like that. It's only alright in the sense, I knew what people are like, I knew what to expect, I grew up being my worst enemy and critique, always putting myself down. And him? He was my biggest fan and supporter. No matter what I did, what I drew, what I wrote, he thought it was the greatest thing ever and he never let me doubt myself or put myself down because there's always someone better, ''yeah Nikki there may be but that doesn't mean that you can't be them someday, they started somewhere too''. He encouraged me to write boldly, and let my feelings on paper. ''Bleed on paper''. I guess that's what I'm doing now, not bleeding on paper but bleeding on these words I type. Typing works…talking doesn't. I feel myself getting choked up. And that's besides the point, nobody would understand, I often feel alone in my pain, it's hard to open up, and it's hard to talk to people. 

Maybe I could tell you about those countless moments when life was just too hard, things were overwhelming and he'd find me crying somewhere away from people. There were no words spoken, no words needed. He'd hug me and it would hug the sadness away. Sometimes I could swear I feel his arms around me and his lips on the top of my hair or forehead. It's crazy but I guess that's just my mind playing tricks on me when the missing gets unbearable. He'd always tell me that nothing, no person, no thing, no problem is worth my tears and that we'll solve it together. He was my support system in more ways I can count and having him gone, well that explains why the fuck I'm so lost and broken, because a part of me is literally missing. 

Maybe I could tell you about these things around his neck and wrists, thick chains and too many bracelets. They make this specific noise, a rattling one, clinking metal. It would put a smile on my face when he walked behind me (or tried to sneak up to me) and I always heard him before I saw him. These days that very sound breaks my heart. I keep expecting to see him and I don't. And it hurts each time. The kind of pain that splits your soul in two. The kind of pain you can't explain to someone who never felt it. 

Perhaps I could tell you about countless scars that are littered around my body. Arms mostly. The way nothing set me straight like he did. Never angry, never accusatory. Always supportive. Always nice. Always loving. Just firm enough to make me realise that what I'm doing isn't the answer. 

Maybe I could tell you how he was one of the few people there for me when my life took a really bad turn. Things were as bad as fucking possible and I didn't see no way out. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to move on. And he gave me a glorious speech about life and love and loss and meaning of everything and ''you're a tough boss bitch you gonna let those fuckers fuck around like this?'' always with the colorful language but always knowing just what to say. Always knowing what to do. Always shielding me from more pain, more heartbreak. I just never knew he's going to be the one breaking my heart like this someday. 

He never told me the whole story, he never told me our time together is limited. He never told me he's basically living on borrowed time. And I love him even more for that. I was angry at first, I never got my last goodbye, I felt like he robbed me of that, but he knew me better than I know myself, he knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. He knew I'd lose my mind always wondering, always fearing I'm losing time, always being scared it's the last time we talk. I'd never sleep again if I knew. He knew that so he never let it slip. And he was just tough as nails, never caring about his own struggles but always attentive to his friends, family. Always there for all of us no matter what.  There's not many people like him out there, which is why each time one is taken, the world is a little bit darker and the sun a little less brighter.

I didn't plan on making this personal, but maybe that's a way to let go of some of the grief, some of the anger I feel. Let's face it that's probably impossible but maybe…it's worth a try. 

It's been a challenging couple of years for me. It felt like when bad shit started it just kept on going without an end in sight. I guess if you glanced at the side, the ''fallen heroes'' dedication box, all the musicians I admire and we lost too soon…I suppose you noticed one name in a different color. Yeah. I don't like talking about it. Just as the friend above this wound is fresh too. I didn't imagine losing my dad at this age. No ''kid'' ever does. I mean yeah it's normal, kids bury their parents, it should never be the other way around, but not at this age. 

Just like the friend above this was a shock too. In a blink of an eye, someone you love is gone and you're left here with grief, anger, emotional baggage with no hope of ever processing. Relationship I had with my dad was complex, ups and downs like we all have but I can only blame our stubborn nature and not being able to talk like normal people about what's bothering us. We lost so much time due to plain and simple being stupid. But I am grateful for the time we've got, at least there was less left unsaid. 

Maybe no real closure is what's bothering me, I was pushed aside, from seeing him in the hospital, from planning the funeral, from going through any of his stuff…it's crazy but it makes everything seem surreal. Sort of…I don't know like a lie? I know I sound crazy I'm aware but that's how I feel. 

It's another aspect of all of this that I don't want to talk about but, in such cases one can expect to lean on their family. I think. Don't ask me, my only idea of normal functioning relationships is from Disney movies and we all know what's that like. I didn't expect much, I didn't expect money, I didn't expect their worlds to start revolving around me, god forbid, but I expected a little support, a little help being lost in a world I didn't understand, a world of pain. And I most definatelly did not expect what I got. A lawsuit. A lawsuit based on lies and deception and so much hatred which to this day I'm not sure what I did to deserve. 

It was me who lost everything when the family cleaned out his apartment, making it as if they erased his entire existance, it's unbearable pain to not have any memories of my dad. No pictures, none of his favourite music, none of his own music, not even his favourite lighter, or a shirt or two to remind me of him. I know you don't need objects to remember someone but that doesn't take away from the fact that it would be nice to have something. Instead I was met with cold walls, empty, impersonal apartment that could belong to anyone. Suddenly my name was on the ownership papers and it felt so distant I could never call it home. More prison than it was home. 

And it was me who nearly lost everything when the family ordered an expensive funeral, one I was pushed away from, couldn't pick out the music, couldn't pick out the flowers and was tricked into allowing it billed to me. It was me who was left alone with the huge bill and no money to pay it, while the family shamlessly received envelopes at the funeral. ''Something to help you with expences''. I had bill collectors breathing down my neck, threathening to throw me out of my house. I didn't want their money, I didn't want their help, I just wanted a little support, I wanted honesty, I wanted I don't even know what. I wanted a little bit of a say. I wanted something to make me feel like less of a stranger at my own dads funeral. I didn't get one card in the mail. One single card. Like I never mattered. Like I was never a part of that family. Today I'm glad, I don't want to be associated with those people, but at the time it was just pain pain pain. They lost a distant relative, a second son they never cared about, but I lost a dad. Each daughter and each father reading this knows what's it like. Every daughter is a daddy's girl, might be 5 or 50, that doesn't change. And it's not at all possible for me to process that my dad will never be there when I finally graduate, get married, perhaps have kids someday. I can't process we're never seeing the Stones together like we planned or about one hundred other things we planned on doing.

And I can't process how the one person I'd want at the funeral with me was my boyfriend and the family didn't even invite him. He wasn't welcome, because he isn't good enough for them. ''Just a musician'' not a space shuttle engineer or a doctor or a fucking sleazy politician. Today that's another thing I'm happy about, I'd be embarassed, he shouldn't see the type of people that have my same last name. Which is about the only simmilarity. I am nothing like them and thank god. But looking at it back then. Pain. Anger. Lonliness. Hatred. 

I guess that alone would be enough to send someone spiraling. In a time when you need love and support and are still dealing with things you never faced before. Bills, realestate, bank loans… it was a type of growing up I didn't expect at that age but it is what it is right? I was thrown in the water and did my best to swim. What was the last drop in the fucking ocean was the first birthday without dad, that was bad enough, no text, no nothing, but on that early morning october eight the mailman rings, see I didn't think much about it, my boyfriend sends me flowers every birthday as did my friend, the one mentioned above so imagine my surprise when instead of flowers the mailman with a glum expression gives me a thick envelope from the court. A lawsuit. From the family. Suing me for over 100 000 euros, claiming I owe them all this money. I won't get into how and why, it's a long dirty story and I'm already at the brink of losing it, sobbing, or smashing dishes. Maybe both. Nobody should get sued on their birthday. Nobody should get sued by their family in the first place. But unfortunally that's the ''culture'' here. We love doing it. Ironically they demand money from me I don't have and have no way of getting and give me 10 days to pay. Laughable. Here I am completely destroyed with guilt and grief and that was basically just the cherry on top. Banks breathing down my neck threathening to take everything I have to repay the loan that I inherited, companies threathening me with lawsuits over unpaid bills. Insurance business' badgering me to pay for insurance I didn't sign for and then add expensive lawyer bills on top of all that.

One would think things would end at that, but I can not literally CAN NOT put into words the agony, the pain, the horror and torture the next two years of court battles were. The sheer lies told, the pure hatred which I can't for the life of me imagine where it came from. What kind of a vile, despicable human being actually has that much anger and hatred inside them? I can't imagine doing something like this to people I hate, nevermind someone that shares my DNA. Sitting in a court room listening to lies, nastiness about you, about your dad from his own mother and brother….that's next level crazy. That's something out of Hollywood movies. You can never imagine it happening to you. 

I didn't have time to grieve properly. I didn't have time to process, I was trying to finish college exams and struggling with lawyers in between. And I did it. I did it why? Because said best friend kept incouraging me, telling me I can do it, telling me I'm a tough bitch and a wolf and I gotta keep biting and never let them see an ounce of pain or fear. I was about ready to give up so many times and he didn't let me. He called me at two in the morning, listening to all this family drama, entertaining ideas about drowning each and every one of them with me. He was loving and supporting in a time I needed love and support so much, and I have no doubt if I called him to help me get rid of them all he'd be there with a shovel and an alibi. All this pain, all this torture and he could wipe it all away with a pretty smile, tight hug and reasurring words ''it's all gonna be okay''. And even if it wasn't it didn't matter because it felt okay. That was what mattered.

It's been a long two year battle when I got the news I won. I didn't think I would, because let's be honest, placing trust in courts and justice…yeah that's usually a lost battle from the get go. My lawyer expences were paid by them, not in full, a third maybe, and that was that. All I had to show for my pain and torment of two years was less than 2k on my bank account. Maybe that's why I'm so angry. I wanted them to hurt. Hurt like I did. No, hurt worse, ten times worse. Twist the knife like they did on me so many times.  I know it's not worth it, I know I'm only hurting myself with this, I know they don't care, they never did, but something doesn't allow me to let it go. Maybe the fact I never got closure, maybe the fact that I never got revenge, never got something I would consider as fair. Maybe the sheer treatment. I don't know what's wrong with me, everything and nothing. I am not the type of human they made me, I am not a monster, I hate what I became because of them, hate it but I can't help it. I can't fix myself. 

And then what? You know me, from my words on here I mean, you know what's the one thing, what's my therapy, what's my happy place, what makes me feel alive, and sane, and happy, and okay. Concerts. Music. That's my passion, that's all I live for. And just when the court battles ended, just when I felt like maybe I can breathe, start to heal, start to somehow move on, or try at least. Corona happens and all my concerts are cancelled, tickets returned. And now here we are, second year into this madness and I don't know what to do with myself.  I feel like that passion inside me is gone, the fire is out. I feel lost, like I'm somewhere in space. Existing and not existing at the same time. Going through the motions without any real motivation to even get out of bed in the morning never mind living. It seems ridiculous and crazy I know, but some people have therapy and some people have music. I can't stand that I've been without that adrenalising feeling for so long. That lost in the music, lost in a happy place where pain doesn't exist for so long.

To me music is that, concerts are that. You check the pain and heartbreak at the door. Negative emotions are not allowed in a concert venue, you feel the music rattle through you and you feel no pain. You're not alone, there's thousands of other people with their own sad (or happy) stories around you, from all over the world, every color, every nationality and you're all there because you love that one same thing. I love that so much. And that security system, that happy place, that's gone now, and it's a big question mark on when we get that back. In a normal scale. 60 000 people, screaming along to the lyrics at a stadium, no restriction, no bullshit. Sigh. 

I don't know you guys. Life has been a lot lately. I wish I had something smart to say. Some advice, some…I don't know something uplifting. But I don't have the right words. It was always my friends department to uplift people, to make them feel better, to make them less alone. I guess all I got is the desire to be more like him, stronger, tougher, a survivor, being able to standing up without falling, but I guess in a way, in my own way I'm strong too, fighting for this long, people who fall and manage to pick themselves up again hold all my admiration. And I only hope one day I manage to pick myself up too. Make my friend proud of me, be more like him, positive, nice, an inspiration to someone. I hope I get to move on with my life. Process the grief, the anger, the loss. Process everything and maybe, just maybe find a tiny bit of happiness. I don't really want much just a little bit of breathing room, love and understanding and a life that's a life worth living not just surviving.