Friday, April 14, 2023

Tell me what to do now, I'm so in love, I'm so in love with, you.

Why is it, that everytime I come up here, for a few smart ass statements, it's either ''it's been a hard day'' or a ''hard week'' or a ''hard month''. It's been a fucking hard life you guys. This past week especially, unfriendly, hard to stomach, long and wet. And not wet in a good way. Not wet in a Samantha from Sex and the city type wet. Not pretending to be a boring ass librarian stacking books, and Tom Cruise walks in, saying he came to check out a book but found me instead, then sweeps off all the books from the desk in one swift movment and dot dot dot...yeah not that kinda wet. This is a thought a friend of mine planted in my head btw, y'all can blame him for being explicit. No, this kinda wet, is cold, gray, rainy and floods upon floods type wet. The weather which aside from snow and winter I hate most. The type of weather that traps you inside with your family which is probably a worse type of punishment than jail time would be. Not me typing this on the bathroom floor, because it's probably the only place left, where I get at least a tiny bit of peace and quiet. Que in why I love going to church. Not mass, just sitting down, during opening hours, enjoying the quiet and watching the sun making colors dance on the floors, through colored windows. 

But this is not about my annoying ass family, or the weather that's slowly sucking out the last few remaining atoms of my will to live. Or how kids these days say I'm too retro because I actually know what VHS is. Sigh. This is about the Crue. I mean you knew this was coming right? You know, when they first embarked on this stadium show in USA, I was so jealous. Motley, Leppard, Poison AND Joan Jett? I'd sell my soul for that line up. As if I didn't know that there's no way in hell this spectacle comes to Europe, then Covid happened. So y'all can imagine how shocked I was to hear that it actually IS coming to EU? Yeah shell shocked. I mean no Poison which is to be understood and no Joan Jett. But still, two rock icons, two of my absolute faves? Fuck yes. 

I bought tickets for this months back. Months. It was supposed to be my first time in Budapest. I mean first concert in Budapest. I've been there before, such a magical, beautiful city and I was absolutely excited to be back in town. In a brand new arena too. And then....first news. Mick Mars left the band and someone someone is replacing him. Uhm...I mean it's devastating, Mick IS Motley, without him they'd be called something ridiculous like Black X - MASS or something simmilarly idiotic, or better yet they'd probably all be dead by now. But you know, I figured alright Mick is sick, probably wants to rest, probably can't do as much touring as they set out to do. Understandable. Imagine my fucking surprise last week when the news breaks that Mick is suing Motley.

I've been trying to avoid the drama but that's impossible with couple hundred pages liked both on Instagram and Tumblr. And you know how people are, everyone gotta chip in and contribute to the madness. If I understood the allegations correctly, Mick never left the band but was rather forced out. Wait what? That my friends, is unacceptable to me. I know he wanted to record with the band, the band would be stupid not to let him do that because hello, boys, I'm sorry to say this, but he's the only talent in this band. I also know he wouldn't be able to preform but this is the bush that the rabbit is in it seems, by not preforming they cut Mick's profits from 25 to 5% and I am fuming with anger. Like are you fucking kidding me? How greedy can y'all be? You're all millionares,  is money really worth fucking up your friendship, your ''family'', your fans, your legacy? Is money really above any and all decent human connection? 

Maybe I could stomach greed. Maybe. But what I can't stomach is, how this is apparently just the tip of the ice berg. Apparently this ''abuse'' over Mick has been happening for the past 40 years, apparently they wanted him out of the band since the 80's. Again, I'm sorry, are you fucking kidding me? I remember this episode of LA ink, where Nikki goes and gets Micks face tattooed on his thigh and I just, I can't. Y'all know if there's a barking dog in this band then that dog is Nikki right? So he's the ring leader, he's the problem. The devil. The hypocrite. I love him but I wanna throw a brick in his face you know? How dare you?! Like just how dare you. 

Not sure what the band had to say when responding to these ''allegations'', but I quite honestly don't even want to know, I'm taking Micks side, I know he's right on this, what's fair is fair, and I know who the issue is. Just remember that Steel Panther drama from some time ago, and just who had too much to say about it. Funny Nikki is the one barking about Panters music when the lawsuit accuses him of playing with a pre recorded track. How very interesting. Is it believable? Perhaps. I mean, the man couldn't tell a bass and a guitar apart at the start of the career. One of the responses I did catch was that retiring from touring is retiring from the band. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You can have touring musicians or guests or whatever the hell you want, a musician doesn't have to retire just because they can't tour no more. A musician IS a muscian. They will always be artists. You can't step down and away from that. And they should know that better than anyone. 

Kovač, you idiot. Protecting the band, taking shit about Mick, saying he was ''put up'' to do that, by his lawyers and how this is ''elder abuse''. Idiot. Seriously what an idiot. Allowing the band into gaslighting Mick further, into gaslighting us? Oh piss off for real. Motley is Micks band. It might as well be Mick Mars and the three idiots for all I care, nobody will convince me of it being any different. 

God aren't you all grown ass men too old for fucking drama? For real you guys, here I am, fawning over old men thinking they bring maturity and an inteligent fucking conversations, but looks like that's fucking impossible. I can't with this band, there's always gotta be some drama. Sigh.

Here's a quick memo for the guys, especially Nikki who clearly thinks he's a rock god or something. You are not Motley Crue, you personally. The band is. As a whole. Each individual member brings something to the table, therefore there is no band if the band is not complete, that's not too hard to understand I hope? Every member contributed to amazing music like Girls Girls Girls and Dr. Feelgood, they wouldn't be what they are without all four members, I mean lets be honest we all know that brief period with no Vince the band was shit. But get your damn head out of your ass, the only good thing the band put out recently was one single song and even that one was written by Simple plan. Clearly the band is just Nikki's puppets at this point.

I don't even know why I expected different, or better. I knew what they're like, I've read the Dirt, I knew they aren't saints, but I had hoped they changed. At least a little. At least put their priorities in order. Maybe understood that certain things should be above money and ego...but here we are. I think I'm disappoined because I expected better. I keep getting disappointed because I keep forgetting, at the end of the day when the spotlight turns off they're just people, like you and me, they make stupid mistakes, they make bad choices in life. I just wish these choices were putting sugar on your spaghetti, not something this catastrophic. Well, sugar on your pasta is catastrophic, but you guys understood the reference. I am just devastated. It sucks. It's taking the love I had for the music right out of it. I'm conflicted, I'm angry, I'm confused. 

Which brings us to the root of the problem and the whole reason why I'm writing this in the first place.  I should be writing it with a glass (the one that holds a whole bottle) of wine, not coffee. Sigh. I am seriously conflicted about the concert, it's already paid for, from the get go I said I'm going 90% because of Def Leppard since they don't tour as much. I was SO looking forward to it and now...now I just don't know? Should I even go? On the one hand I love Def Leppard and I really want to go see them, as well as this aint their fucking fault. And on the other hand I just can't bring myself to support this madness. And you know I'm well aware how a couple returned tickets won't make a difference, or a dent, they're millionares, they wont feel it (though of course if everyone rebelled they would feel it but people joining forces for anything at all is unheard of), but this isn't about them, this is about me, my conscience and me making my peace with whatever I chose to do. 

Y'all know how complex it is to be a freaking Libra, never able to decide should you go left or right, is something white or beige, is the glass half full or half empty. Frustrating. So I once again find myself in front of the wall, staring up, not knowing how to cross it. Or better staring at that perfect outfit I chose for the concert, like...spent a month thinking about it...I know I'm lame but after Covid I figured everything should be a big deal. You should plan and look forward to things. Even if they somehow always end completely fucked up, and they never turn out as we planned them. You should still look forward to something, and you should still be excited about it. 

So watch me go absolutely La La Land for the next month (concert is on the 29th of May) trying to decide what the fuck to do. I still absolutely love the music don't get me wrong, I'm separating art from the artist, but the assholes behind it are a bit hard to stomach. In a ''I love you but I don't have to like you'' type thing. I probably won't listen, but you guys, any and all advice is appreciated. What would you do in my shoes? I know what I'll do, complain, cry and drink, probably in that order too. 

Here's to the weekend, hopefully I survive all this rain with a decent amount of wine and no more hair pulling, unless it's Thomas doing the tugging. That's always welcome. Cheers guys!

Monday, April 3, 2023

And I guess I'm just a mess and maybe I'm just lonely, or just bitter, but I know my head is a storm and my chest is empty.

''Vse kar si želim, je malo nežnosti, dotika toplih rok ob zori jutranji,...v objemu toplem se zbudim, a moje pa srce zdaj tava v temi...''

Do you ever wish the world would stop spinning? I don't mean the gravity and the sciency bullshit that comes with it. I mean the...I don't know ''poetic'' part of it? The please stop, so I can catch up part of it. Or do you ever wish the world would just disappear? Maybe just your world? Maybe just the people in it? Maybe you yourself wanna disappear? I don't even know no more, I just know things have been going from difficult to impossible lately. I often think that things can not get any worse, and I'm surprised each time when I fall to a whole new level of inferno. I don't know why and how but lately it feels like the only way is down, and it doesn't look like there's going to be a way up anymore. Ever. Everything is bleak. 

I don't know where I'm even going with this, don't ask. I just know I haven't been feeling alright in a long time. I know things haven't been alright in a long time. I know I've been blamed for things that are absolutely out of my control, and judged over things I can't change. And ridiculed for anything and everything and truth to be told it made me confused and it made me hate myself and it made me miserable and sad and lost. I don't know, nor do I understand what is it that I'm doing wrong. I don't see it, I don't get it. My brain, my mind works different, I don't know, I don't understand ''normal'' and nobody is willing to explain what's ''wrong'' with me. All I get is hatred. Hatred for not being another brick in the wall, hatred for being the black sheep in the heard. Hatred for not seeing the world the same way as others do, hatred for seeing maybe a couple more colors then the rest or maybe less colors then the rest. To me things are simple, black and white, good and bad. There are no shades of gray, especially when it comes to people. And I'm not saying I'm ideal or perfect. Just different. And I suppose that different is what's been destroying me bit by fucking bit. You know how they say you don't need to drink or smoke, how love will kill you bit by fucking bit? This is the same. Being pushed to the side, expendable, hated, being the ''spare'' one, misunderstood, unloved all my life. That's what's been killing me bit by fucking bit.

I honestly feel at this point I'm just around because murder is illegal, because how will you explain to people around you I disappeared? I'm not suicidal mind you, maybe just passively suicidal. Like I'm not going to slit my wrists but I also wont care if someone else does it type thing? I don't know. I'm tired. Tired of fighting, tired of being lonely, alone, tired of not having anyone team me, someone willing to fight for me. Mabye I'm too much of a romantic, maybe the whole being loved unconditionally, irrevocably, eternally, endlessly...maybe that only exists in my head. Maybe people don't do that no more, maybe they don't even know how. Maybe some people are not meant to belong, maybe some people are not meant to be loved but only exist. Maybe some people, some of us are just damaged beyond repair you know. Maybe when someone wanted to show us love and affection we'd not even understand what's going on. 

It's funny but...I mean it's not a lot I'm asking for, some understanding, that maybe just maybe I'm not like you. And maybe some...I don't know solidarity? Is that the word. To listen to me, not what people around me talk about me. And maybe I don't know stand up for me instead of being embarrased of me. And maybe just once tell me you care. I am basically three fucking decades years old and I have never in my life heard an ''I love you'' from a family member. Ever. No. All I got is screaming, yelling, anger, disappointment, mocking, laughter, degradation, swearing, cussing, insults, hits sometimes, and yet in the end...the fact that I am ''damaged'' is my fault. It's kinda funny because...you can't expect to bloom and get better in an environment that's making you sick right? 

I guess that's what I crave. Love. Understanding. Devotion. Things I never knew in my life. Maybe that's why I keep going back to people that hurt me, for that small fraction of love that they did show me. However fake it was or wasn't. Maybe that's why I prefer staying silent and not speaking at all because all I know is to be quiet. Shut up and don't speak, your opinion is stupid and invalid because it's different. Because you don't fly with the flock and don't swim with the fish. Maybe that's why I don't know how to talk to people? Maybe that's also why I don't want to talk to people? Why waste my time when they won't care anyway? Maybe that's also why I'm so used to pain because when I wanted love, pain was all I got. Maybe that's why I love an illusion because an illusion can't hurt me, someone who can remain perfect in my mind. Always. Because I'll never know the truth anyways and that's safe. Comforting. 

You know that line ''my darling, you hold so much sadness in your eyes, I can almost touch the scars of your soul and cry''? Kinda like that. And I wonder at which point is it too late to put your life, heart, soul, body back together? What if some pieces are just lost and you'll never be whole again? What if there's just nothing worth fighting for no more? I wonder...why would I even want to get better? Physically, mentally...why? What for? In a world that doesn't love you, in a world that doesn't understand you...why? The irony is that the only person you should put yourself back together is you, but if you give up on yourself...what's the point? And what's the point fighting for love if you're the only one fighting....and what's the point if all you get in return is...I don't even know but it seems to me it makes no difference if I was alive or dead, most days. 

As I said above, I'm not suicidal, I just wish I stopped existing. Does that make sense? Nothing does no more, nothing makes sense, the light is lost, the passion is lost, the beauty is lost. I look at the sky and see a graveyard of stars not an endless sea of possibilty. I see endings not beginings. I see pain. And despair. Sigh. And all I long for is something to change, but am powerless to do so. Or maybe my newest health issues are some sorta sign from above. Maybe someone is telling me to just give up fighting at some point. I don't know no more. 

Ignore me, I guess this is nothing a glass (or a bottle, or two) of wine can't fix. In the mean time, I'll be back sitting at the graveyard, drawing. Maybe I'm a better ghost than a human being anyway.