Trick or Treat?

Today is a big important holiday in this country I call home. I suppose I'm not much of a patriot after all, I was never bothered by it. October 31st is important to me because of Halloween. What did you excpect after all? Of course a ''holiday'' like this will be right down my alley. Día de Muertos even more so, it would literally be a dream come true for me to be in Mexico for this event at least once. But enough about that. Back to Halloween. I feel like I haven't complained enough over this country and Halloween traditions or lack of them for that matter. I get it, it's an ''imported'' holiday, since it's big in the States but honestly, looking at the origins should it really be imported? Halloween also known as All Hallows Eve or All Saints eve is a celebration observed by a number of different countries all over the world. It is believed that many if not most traditions originate from Celtic harvest festivals, which may have pagan roots. Halloween was supposed to be Christianized from a Gaelic festival called Samhain, which was a festival marking the end of the harvest season and the begining of winter or as they called it ''the darker half'' or the year. Samhain is believed to have Celtic and pagan origins since there is evidence that the very date October 31st was an important one in ancient times. It was the date the cattle was brought back down from summer pastures, livestock was slaughtered for the winter, they lit fires which they believed had protective and cleansing powers. They believed that on Samhain the barrier between our world and the other side was down, making it easier for the spirits to come into our world. The souls of the dead were believed to be revisiting their homes, and places at the table on their feasts were left empty for them. As part of the festival people were actually going door to door in disguise, reciting verses in exchange for food. Disguises were meant as a way to scaring away the so called Aos Si or the nature spirits. In medieval Britain, “supplicants moved from door to door asking for food in return for a prayer for the dead,” and they would carry “hollowed-out turnip lanterns, whose candle connoted a soul trapped in purgatory.” (Halloween—From Pagan Ritual to Party Night). But I think unfortunally we can all agree that lately it's more of a commercial celebration, just like Christmas, shopping malls and people ruined the charm of both holidays. Nothing upsets me more the when I see Christmas decorations in stores before Halloween. And this is not because of my love for Halloween. This is because it's stupid. Christmas lights, trees, god damn Santa all in the middle of October? What for? So the stores sell more? Idiotic. The whole point of the holiday is lost. It's supposed to be a family holiday after all. Not about the presents not about celebration but about spending your time with your family. Even if you shouldn't really need a holiday to take time for your family but let's leave that right now.

In some places of the world Halloween is more important then here, there's things like trick or treating, costume parties, pumpkin carving, bonfires, pranks, haunted houses, scary stories and movies...so on and so on. What I find funny though is how some, not all but some religious people preach about Halloween being evil, a satanic holiday due to it's pagan roots. Of course we all know how Christians tend to flinch each time you say ''pagan'' or ''atheist'' but calling a holiday satanic is really far fetched. The only ''evil'' part of it is the golrifiying vampires, witches, ghosts, satan or whatever else you chose to dress up in. Calling it satanic is just as silly as saying black cats are evil. You know where that comes from anyways? Christianity of course, after church stole Samhain and named it All Hallows eve, people believed in witches and black cats were supposed to be witches companions they believed a witch can actually turn into a cat. You do know what a black cat crossing your way means right? No? I'll tell you. It means that the animal is headed somewhere.

Then you've got the pumpkins, I think everyone when somone says Halloween thinks about the States and the pumpkins. That's a tradition that I actually love. It's fun, it's creative and it's artistic. But where did it come from? There's evidence that the roots of pumpkin carving or Jack o lanterns if you will actually comes from Europe. They were supposedly invented to scare away the evil spirits from homes that left them on their door steps on Halloween night. Others believe it's used as a light to guide back the spirits. Some believe it's from a legend about a man who played a game with the devil who prevented him entering heaven or hell and was condemned to wander the earth forever, a Jack o lantern to light his way, but the truth is the tradition was brought to America by British and Irish immigrants, though they were carving turnips at the time and people later decided that a pumpkin is much easier.

And the colors orange and black? It could be as simple as orange representing autum or pumpkins and black as the short days, the darker colder part of the year. Let's be honest though, black is mysterious, dark, a little scary too I suppose. Nobody wants to read about the ''mystical powers'' of orange right?

Then you've got spiders and bats. Any Halloween party you walk into you are sure to see spider webs, spiders, bats,...Now I'm not sure about spiders, should they have a meaning beyond they're creepy and they fit into the whole idea of Halloween but bats are a different story...they are creatures of the night so that's obviously a plus but what it is back in the time of Samhain they had big bonfires which would attract moths and bats, they were most likely pretty common and that's why they stuck with the new version. Not to mention the vampire folklore, vampires can turn into bats and all that, and the fact that there are actually bats that feed only on blood? They are probably most hardcore Halloween stuff there is.

Theres plenty of these symbols, like skelletons, skulls, ghosts, representing the dead, and the costumes, people would dress up to hide from the evil spirits and such. To me Halloween holds precious memories, good times spent with people that are no longer in my life and most important getting to dress up into something I'm not. Someone I'm not. Sometimes it gets really hard to be in my skin so being someone else is a welcome vacation. So there you go, Happy Halloween if you celebrate and if not then enjoy your day none the less.

You know what they say about the crazy ones...

The day will come when you won't be.

The walking dead...that was the most brutal, violent thing I had seen in my entire life. I am not sharing spoilers in case you haven't seen the premiere yet all I'm saying is that I am shocked. Completly, totally shocked. Jeffrey Dean Morgan as Negan? So fierce and so evil. And it is a little hard watching him in this role. Though he brings him to live so well I can't imagine anyone better for the job. I am just...a little shaken up not going to lie. This was just...a little too much. I feel traumatized and I feel like they went a little too far with the violence. It was just too brutal. This was wrong. Way too wrong. And I will have to seriously think if I will continiue watching or not. I am still shaking all over I was NOT ready for this even if the clif hanger kept me nervous and wondering for almost six months. I am not getting any sleep tonight am I? Gonna sit here wondering what the hell just happened. I know I know it's not real life, just a tv show...save it. I've heard enough about it already, those of you who understand...my fellow TWD family...here's a big hug...lord knows after this we need it...good night guys don't let the zombies bite.

Equality is a lie.

Today is not a good day, not phisically and not emotionally. I feel completly and absolutely drained. Might be the weather might be the fact that I feel as sick as a dog, might be that I am completly exhausted. I don't know. Everything feels wrong. Which is probably why I wasn't paying attention to what I'm doing all day, nearly crashed the car, it wasn't my fault but my reflexes were slow and let a blog post on that I never should…some of you read it and I'm sorry, it was highly unprofessional to let something unedited and most important private ''leak'' on the blog. I should probably keep away from anything and everyone on days like these, I am literally a disaster waiting to happen. I just want to crawl in bed and sleep. All day, all night, all week…I don't even have the energy for drawing which you all know is something I love to do most *sigh* I hate this feeling of hopelessness.

I suppose tired and mad and aggravated brings out the worst in me. The worst I should never even let out. Or at least keep it private. So let's try this again. If the previous post were my unedited thoughts, a small fraction of it at least, there's a god damn storm going on up here I swear…this one will be the way it should be.

Let me explain the matter calmly. I can't stand the bullying of women the church is doing in my country lately. I can't stand the bullying of women Donald Trump is doing. These so called ''children of god'' protesting in front of the hospitals…this is bullying, this is harrasment and it's down right wrong. No woman that decides for an abortion does that light hearted. No woman takes the desition lightly. And no woman does it for no reason. Whatever the reason may be, it's none of anyone's business, not her parents, not her siblings, not her friends, not some random strangers on the streets and definatelly not the churches. Abortion is not wrong, a woman that decides for one no matter what the reason might be is not a bad person. A bad person is the one telling her that. Nobody and I do mean nobody should have the right to mess with a woman's body. What I or any other woman do with our own bodies is our own problem. This sounds just about as stupid as the church or anyone for that matter putting out a law against tattoos, I don't like them so you shouldn't get any. Just as stupid. I am honestly a little disgusted and a little creeped out. I mean when I see a middle aged man protesting against abortion I'm creeped out, he basically thinks he has a right over your body. A man you've never met, never spoke to…it's creepy. Let me just point out here that a fetus does not have rights, it does not feel, it is not self aware. There is a thing called bodily autonomy which is the right to your own body, to decide anything and everything regarding your own body, which is why a person can not be forced to donate organs even after death. A fetus doesn't have this right but a woman does, so if she doesn't want a fetus using her body it can't. Taking this right away is basically giving a corpse more rights then to a woman. Thing is, this shouldn't even be up for a debate, women always had abortions and always will, the only thing that's in question now is will it be safe or will it be done ilegally endangering their lives as well? You can be against it, it's your own damn right to feel as you feel but you can't tell other people how to live, what to do or take away their right of choosing what's best for them.

Then there's another thing, not conected to prior but just as aggravating. Society's views of women. Society and privilege. The point of this post isn't to make anyone feel bad or lash out that what I'm saying isn't true or that I'm making stuff up, this is just me expressing my mind and my experience in this world I live in. Not earth, but the secluded area I call my world. Privilege isn't a problem, everyone has one. Hell even I do. I think. The problem is understanding that privilege and working together towards equality for everyone. I'm not saying you never had to struggle or work or god forbid that everything was handed to you, it simply means that some things were easier that there are things you will never experience. White people will never understand how black people live. How they are treated. Straight people will never understand the challenges of a LGBT community. Regular people will never understand the struggles of trans kids and men will never understand the female troubles. No I am not talking about periods.

I'm talking about things such as safety. Safety is a privilege most men take for granted. But of course, they don't have to walk in groups at the end of the night. Or cary self defense items such as pepper spray around. They don't worry about what to wear or where to go in order to be safe if they're out alone. Or cringe everytime a car passes them, worrying someone is going to yell something disgusting out of it or honk at you.

I'm talking about things such as ''beauty standards''…Why do men look good without makeup? Because society hasn't told them they look bad without it. I am not a fan of tv, magazines, internet and everyone else teaching young girls that skinny is beautiful, makeup is important…so on and so on. I don't like being asked if I am sick when I leave my house without makeup on. I don't like it when all magazines really do is tell women that in order to be beautiful they need to loose weight. All women are beautiful. Curvy, skinny, fat, white, black, tall, small. Every.woman.is.beautiful. The end.

I am talking about things such as employment, how is it fair that men and women don't have the same chances? How is it fair that in a world this evolved there are still so little women in leading positions? How is it fair that at the end of the day women are still payed less then men for the exact same job? How is it fair that women make less money but are expected to pay more for basically everything? This is a real problem, it's called the ''pink tax'' look it up.

I am talking about things as expectations. Why are women just supposed to become mothers at some point? Why does society just asume every woman has to have kids? Why a woman deciding on a career instead of family is such a weird thing? Why is a womans entire being questioned if she says she doesn't want children but a mans masculintiy never is?

I'm talking about things such as clothing. This one may be a little silly I agree but I really hate it when guys clothes have these inspirational sayings on them ''be your own hero'', ''think outside of the box'', ''be adventurous''…and girls clothes have ''pretty'', ''hi'', ''gorgeous''…I mean alright a girl likes to feel pretty that's true but it's a little silly. It's like expecting from women to just be beautiful and from men to have all the fun. Actually never mind that why should these shirts even be separated? Can't a girl be her own hero and a man feel beautiful too?

I am talking about things I deal with daily. Why is it that when a man gives his opinion he is bold and brave and when a woman does it she's a bitch? What for? Are they not doing the exact same thing? Fighting for what they believe in? So why does one opinion matter more? It doesn't even matter right now, wrong or right, every person is entitled to one and gender shouldn't make a difference.

I am talking about women's fear of saying no. A woman doesn't owe a man anything. Not a date, not sex not even a conversation. But women are afraid of saying no and that is a problem. When a man says no it means no, when a woman says no it's the begining of a negotiation and that is a problem. A problem when saying ''I have a boyfriend'' is the only thing stopping a man from making a move on a woman because they respect another man more then they respect a woman's lack of interest or just a plain no.

I am talking about the problem where men are supposed to apologize for being weak and women apologize for being strong. The problem where one tiny mistake makes it a stereotype. A woman can't park sideways? All women are bad drivers. A woman spends 20 more minutes in a store? All women are shopaholics…things like that.

I'm talking about things such as this…

''It is illegal for women to go topless in most cities, yet you can buy a magazine of a woman without her top on at any 7-11 store. So, you can sell breasts, but you cannot wear breasts, in America.'' — Violet Rose

In the situation we are in now there is no such thing as equality. But to be honest that goes both ways. Men that show emotions are instantly viewed as pussies. What for? There's nothing wrong with a man that can cry. Men are victims of domestic abuse as well. Men can get raped as well. Because a woman's word always or at least in most cases overpowers a man's when it comes to rape there are probably quite a few innocent men in prison right now and women should also be held responsible for false accusations. Men can like the color pink and do things women like and shouldn't be mocked for it.

And the same goes for bi, gay, trans, white, black or any other women and men. Until we are only pro life till the baby is black or gay and until such petty things divide us, can we really say we are equal? Gender, skin color, sexual orientation shouldn't even matter. What should matter is who you are as a person, your beliefs and your actions, those are who define you, that is what makes you you. There is no reason, not even one damn reason on this planet that would make one life matter more then the other. That would make one person more important then the other. We are all made the same and we should all have the same rights, the same opportunities. We all deserve the same chances, security, love, life, peace, laughter, happiness and above all choice. Whether is it ice cream flavor, abortion, question who to love, it doesn't matter the choice should be ours.

I suppose I've said about enough for the today don't you think? I'm going to crawl back to bed and feel sorry for myself, I really don't feel well. Take care guys, stay safe out there and to my fellow the Walking dead family. I wish you strenght this weekend, lord knows we'll need it. Which is also why I won't be around on Monday. The show premieres on Monday night over here and I am going to shut down all my electronics due to spoilers. Nobody is ruining that for me. Though I'm scared. And just between us, my money is on Glenn. Just because the producers said he's safe. I guess we'll see.

I'm still breathing on my own.

"Other people call me a rebel, but I just feel like I’m living my life and doing what I want to do. Sometimes people call that rebellion, especially when you’re a woman."

I'd wish you a good morning but is there really such a thing as a good monday morning? Not in my book. And especially not today. I could use about 5 more hours of sleep. So tired. Been awake all damn night. Looks like I turn into a bloody warewolf every month when the full moon is out. Annoying as hell. I've overheard two girls talking today, one said to the other that she's so embarrassed because she really likes this really old song. Let me point out by old I imagined she means the 80's music or so, and then she says ''it's like 5 years old, don't make fun of me please''...uh? Is this some sort of a joke? Or are you testing how long does it take before I just snap? Oh my god! 5 years is old? Bitch please I listen to music that is 50 years old. Oh my god. So I'm either getting older or the kids keep getting dumber. While I know the first one is true I also know in this case it's probably the second. Seriously go back to your sandbox children and leave grandma alone...hah.

Alright so you know about these ''escape rooms''? The real life games where they lock you up in a maze or a room or a prison and you need to find a way to get out? Looks like one of these is opening in my hometown as well. Historic theme, based on the town's history. Of course I had no idea but it literally slammed me in the face the other day while walking through town. I read the story goes something like this, you're falsely accused of grand theft of one of our museums and thrown in jail, the jail cell being an exact replica of an old jail house that is now closed down. So you're in the cell waiting for trial that could put your ass in jail for a long time, your only option is to get out of cell, search the robbers apartment, find the stolen objects and prove your innocence. And you do that by getting through a ton of clues, hints and riddles. You get 60 minutes to get out and you can play in a team of 2,3 or 4. And honestly the words can not contain my excitment. Oh my god. I literally shrieked a little bit when I read the sign on the door. So exciting!

In other news, I took a challenge this weekend. A comission to draw a dog. Yeah. A dog. I'm kinda worried, kinda scared, kinda excited...It's not that I don't know how to draw a dog. Next to the portraits I've been working on it's pretty basic, but shading human skin and drawing fur are two very different things...

That's the dog and the first sketch. Keep in mind that the sketch is not based of this picture before you attack me with ''they don't look alike at all''. I still have time to fuck up the ears or the fur color or the shading but so far so good. The outline turned out better then I hoped it will...

Alright, the music! Today it's going to be a brand new one that I actually got as a late birthday present this friday...

Well I can't go all into details, only had time to listen to it once. But one thing I can tell you right now is that I love it! Green day have been in my top favorites for so long that I don't even remember when I started liking them. I remember my mom bought me their album American Idiot, back when it came out, which is 2004 I think? I know I was in middle school and the ''weird kid'' that liked old rock and punk rock while all the kids in my class listened to cheesy pop and their moms told them to stay away from me because I'm nothing but trouble. Well look at that, I'm plenty normal and intelligent and not in jail 12 years later. Who would of thought. I saw them live for the first time back in 2013, on a festival where they were supposed to play mostly songs from Uno, dos, tre, which you know they did but Billie Joe comes on stage like ''we're just going to play the entire Dookie album for you today''. Hah. Not that I'm complaining, I love that album. They ended up playing 30 songs, two fans got on stage, one to sing and one to play the guitar, there were toilet paper rolls flying around, Billie had a ''gun'' shooting tshirts out to the crowd, it was insane. Expensive but so worth it. Of course having All time low as their opening was only a bonus. Oh by the way. Fuck you All time low. Another UK tour? Sure let's just pretend you toured with the Future hearts in Europe right? What is it with bands and Europe lately? Guns n' roses? The fucking Desert trip?! All time fucking low? Are you all forgetting how many fucking fans you have in Europe? This really pisses me off...alright back to Green day...before I go on another full blown rant about tour dates and how unfair life really is. So Revolution radio as the album is called put them back on Billboard 200 after what 10 years? Maybe more...I think American Idiot is the one that was number one, so that means 12 years since it came out in 2004. It sold in 95,000 copies in the first week, joining 21st century breakdown...which by the way is one of my favorite songs by them. Let's be serious for a second this album is amazing. They're on the scene for a while now, a band in their 40's, and they are still teaching all those young wannabes what punk really is. Good job guys. Good job. This album features a few of Green day musical styles and that's what's so cool about it. It's not repetive. The record is not over produced, there's no filler on it, it's loud, it's fast, it's a crazy ride, just as punk rock should be...

This song is my favorite on this album, they're all good and I love them all but I love this one most, enjoy it, crank it up loud, I know I will, might wake me up and make this monday a little more tolerable. Take care guys, stay safe.

Say you're okay. I'm afraid that tomorrow is just too far away. Fight the pain, it just feels like forever is crashing down on me.

It's thursday night. Wait are you supposed to write day names with big letters? Well not that it matters right now. I decided to pull my shit together and write this post early because tomorrow is going to be busy, or not, dependes how the day goes. Long story and more on that later. It's been a damn long week. I was on my third coffee monday morning wishing it was friday already. You may notice I'm still alive after downing shots and watching All time low's Straight to dvd II. Can I just say I loved it? Like a lot. Great job guys great job. Worth the wait. Can't wait on that number three then. Hah. I have to say though the part ''for Gavi'' completly ripped out my heart. I can't stand, literally can't stand the idea of one of my favorite bands ever being so sad or so heartbroken. I get it they're not imune to sadness, but I just can't stand them being anything but happy. Maybe because of all the positivity and happiness they give me, and all the other fans, they deserve all the happiness in the world. I'm sorry for your loss boys. So sorry.

Which is what brings us to the second thing that's been making me want to jump out of my skin this week. Music related. You guys know the band called Of mice and men? Great band. Great guys. I saw them live once, one of the best moments of my life...they're a huge inspiration to me, them as people and their song lyrics. I keep a signed poster next to my bed making it the first thing I see each morning as a reminder that everything will be alright.

So their singer, Austin Carlile. I look up to him so much, he is the strongest, bravest, kindest human being I know. He inspires me daily to be better and to do better. He is amazing, how he handles his health problems, how kind he is to his fans, his ''family''. The sweetest person on this planet. So you can just imagine how I feel reading about his tour being cancelled due to health complications. I guess I find it a little funny that even though he's in pain and struggling he feels the need to apologize for cancelling the tour. Like that matters right now, the only thing that matters is his health and he's still putting his fans first to a point when it starts endangering his life. I admire him. For being so strong, so selfless, so courageous. I guess what I'm trying to say is, him and the band did so much for me, helped me in so many ways, saved me in a way as well and right now I am completly helpless, there's nothing that I can do for him now, except hope for the best and that is really killing me. I know he said not to worry about him because there are more important things happening in the world right now, which you know they probably are but that doesn't mean he's not a huge part of my world and that I won't worry sick about him.

I love you. Feel better soon, because the thought of you not being alright...it's something I can't deal with.

And while we're at it, I feel like someone is targeting my musicians because I just read that Frank Iero was in a car accident. Some news say it's serious, some say it's not. I don't know what's happening but I sure hope he's alright. I'll keep you both in my thoughts tonight, since I'll be awake probably all night trying to keep calm and convince myself everything is going to be alright. Which is most likely the case. But try telling that to someone who is basically 90% stress and maybe 10% human by now. Or maybe the last 10% could be depression. I have this problem where weather is killing me. This gray, gloomy weather is draining all my willingness to do anything much less live. But I'm getting off topic again, I know it may seem stupid to most people *trust me I hear it all the time* because aparently these guys are just musicians they don't know you, they don't care, blah blah blah. Not true at all. But truth is, everyone around me has let me down. Everyone. Family, friends, random people...being around my friends lately makes me feel like we're not even friends anymore, we've drifted so far apart that we're just people. People that live in the same town that once knew eachother. It's not so much that they've pushed me away, or they did, I don't really know, but they're not excatly fighting to keep me in their lives either. I always say those are the people we don't need in our lives. And we don't. But fuck they're the only people in my life and though they're awful and they treat me awful, without them I'm pretty damn lonely. I know I know better alone all your life then 5 minutes in bad company but lonely isn't too much fun either. And the people you say are just musicians? That they'll never care...well they're always here, I'm never really lonely with them. And to be honest nothing and no one can make me feel better in a heart beat like they do. Or as strong or as courageous or as happy. Music soothes the soul and heals the spirit. And there's not a damn thing in the world I would love more then my music or my bands. The bands that taught me every valuable life lesson that school and life never gave me. The bands that taught me how to laugh, really laugh, not just fake a smile. The bands that taught me how to love, what love really is and to fight for it. The bands that taught me to be courageous and put my heart and soul into things I believe in. The bands that taught me patience and compassion and that hate is poison that consumes you, a poison you don't need in your life. The bands that taught me to accept my own emotions that it's never wrong what you feel, you can't influence your feelings so you might as well embrace them. The bands that taught me that it's okay to grow up but keep the same young spirit, like the same things, do the same things. The bands that taught me hope, nothing is ever as dark as it may seem at first glance. The bands that taught me that no matter how awful things may seem, and no matter how down and trapped you feel, you will always get better, things will always be brighter. The bands that taught me to never give in, that falling down on your ass is just another reason to pick yourself up and start again. The bands that taught me that people are assholes sometimes and it's not my fault. The bands that taught me to know who my real friends are and to cherish them and keep them close. The bands that taught me the importance of family and how family doesn't always end with blood. The bands that taught me about wisdom, about choosing my words carefully in certain situations. The bands that taught me how to let it go sometimes, take a breath and really live. And most important lesson they taught me? That home is not where you are but who you're with. So no, it's not JUST music and these are not JUST bands. Everything I am today is what they made me, and I believe the good in me, the strength in me, and the fighter in me, it's all thanks to them and that is something I could never repay them. So next time before you open your mouth to insult someone's favorite band think about it first, maybe that band is the reason that person is still alive, or just happier or doing better. Maybe you're insulting someone's entire world. Unless we're talking Balkan turbo folk or Nicky Minaj's Stupid hoe or anything similar, then go ahead insult away, their sole existence is an insult to everything I call music. Other then that peace and love guys, we're all different, we like different things, we can't all be the same.

Enough from me for today huh? I'm going to throw myself into work, a new drawing I'm working on, a Jack Sparrow portrait because I may be a little too excited about the new movie they're making and catching up with the Supernatural premiere. Was it good? No! Don't tell me I don't want no damn spoilers. Hah.

Take care guys, hug your loved ones, stay safe.

P.S. Congratulations to Bob Dylan for the Nobel prize, well deserved.

I have so much to say but you're so far away.

Looks like today will be another monday without music. I'm sorry. There's just something more important on my mind today. Those of you who are closest to me know what October 10th marks. Those of you who don't...it marks an anniversary. Eight years ago I've lost someone really close to me. And it was as if my world fell apart. I didn't know how to handle it, how to cope with it. I didn't honestly even know how to breathe on my own. I was completly lost. I did the worst I could by locking it all away and ignoring it till it finally blew up in my face and made everything that much worse. I spent so long just lying to myself saying I'm fine, I'm okay, till I believed it and thought everything is okay. But it wasn't. Far from it. It took me a long while to get where I am now. It wasn't easy but it was worth it. Now I can say that I am okay and mean it. But sometimes things are hard. Sometimes everything falls apart again. Sometimes I can't believe it all happened. Sometimes something exciting happens and I feel that horrible pain inside my chest because I can't share it with the one I miss the most. It hurts. But sometimes I'd remember the good times and smile. Sometimes I'd smile and be grateful for the time we had in the first place. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night, crying, wishing it was all just a bad dream...Sometimes I just wish someone could pull a switch and make it stop. Make the pain go away. You know what the problem is? You can be the most sane, the most stable, the strongest person on this god damn planet but love will still find a way to fuck you up. And the hardest part of losing someone isn't having to say goodbye. Goodbye is easy, it's quick. What's really hard is learning to live without that person. You're always trying to fill that void or that empty feeling inside your chest once they're gone. Thing is there's a piece of my heart that always was and always will belong to you, nobody can take it, nobody else can replace you. Days, weeks and months may pass but honestly no matter how much time passed I will never love you or miss you any less. A part of me will always be angry for that ''forever'' I never got. Part of me will always be angry at you for leaving me even if things aren't as easy as they sound. I will never not miss all the fun memories we had together or the times we laughed so hard we couldn't breathe. Or how many times we watched Casper and Interview with the vampire together. Or broke a couple of rules and got into trouble. Which happened many many MANY times. Shit I miss you...people always say you'll be alright, you'll get over it. I never believed that's possible. And it's not. You don't just get over it, you learn to live with it. But you never forget. You don't love them less, you don't miss them less, you just learn to live without them. It makes it so much worse when it's unexpected, when it hits you out of nowhere, like a big fucking school bus. Or a lightning out of a clear blue sky...and the guilt. It never goes away. It never stops eating at you, you never stop thinking if there's maybe something you could of done, if there's something you should see, something you'd need to pay attention to. If there was anything you could do to stop it, prevent it. And the guilt eats you alive. It's not your fault but it hurts like hell. And it drives you insane...I hate that there's things I can't enjoy anymore because you can't and I know you'd slap me silly if you knew. I know you would never want this life for me and I am so sorry for not respecting your wishes.

I saw your favorite band without you and though it was the best time when that one song hit I was a sobbing mess. There is so much that I still want to tell you and yes you are so far away. It's been 2923 days and there hasn't been a day I haven't missed you or wished you were here. I love you so much, I hope you're alright wherever you are.

And you guys, don't forget to tell the ones you love them that you do, tomorrow might be too late. Keep your friends and family close, they're the only ones there for you when shit goes down. And above all don't be afraid to love and be loved because even if it hurts sometimes it's worth it. You know what they say, love is the closest thing we've got to magic.

Music is healing

It's Halloween month and my emotions are all over the place. I love Halloween obviously but there's other...''memories''...I don't like about this month. Memories I wish I could erase from my mind forever. Do you think painful experiences are important for ''growing'' and ''evolving'' and shit? I suppose that could be true since people that never experience all the bad shit will never understand how someone who has been through hell feels. I suppose they will never be as strong either. October is also my ''birthday month'' as JB would say. For fuck sake how am I turning 24 tomorrow? I swear I was 18 just yesterday. Jesus christ. The older I get the more stressfull these birthdays are. Like I'm twenty fucking four and what did I do in my life so far? Nothing really. When my grandmother was my age she had a career, she was married with a child and what am I doing? Eating Nutella from the jar with a spoon while sobbing over tv shows in my Hello Kitty PJ's. Yeah yeah different times and all that I get it. Wish it was different, I wish we had more options, more oppurtunities, more...I don't know. More from life I suppose. To be honest when I was a kid this was easy like what do you want for your birthday? Toys, cake, candy? Now when people ask I'm just like...what the fuck do I want? Self esteem? A good job? Emotional stability? A better life? Bucky Barnes in my bed? Excatly. Life and relationships and friendships just get so complicated and fucked up once you get older. I wish things were easy like...like that Cheap trick song ''I want you to want me'' boom end of story. Wouldn't that be nice? I guess what I'm trying to say is my wishes shifted from petty materialistic to simple things. I don't want a fancy house or a car, just a place of my own, someone to love, a good job that might not be the greatest but makes me happy and making pancakes with my best friend every sunday and we'd lay in bed watching cartoons together all day all snuggled up with eachother and our dogs and cats. But isn't that something we all want? Independence, love, to live not simply survive? It's funny...it's funny I don't even know how to dream anymore, I dream of such simple things that shouldn't even be dreams, they're basic things every human being deserves, we all deserve a home, safety, love. It's madness. I don't even know where I'm going with this...I guess sometimes you got to be sad or miserable to cherish your happiness that much more. My friend used to tell me that you have to fall apart sometimes or you'd never appreciate your life once it's put together again. And when it all falls apart it's not the end, it's a chance to rebuild. I guess he just never got to tell me how. Maybe it's up to me to figure it out. Maybe I need some help with that though...You know I did learn though? I learned that maybe sometimes we are the ones breaking our own hearts, we walk into situations, get in relationships, make friendships, get attached to someone all by choice. And then we let them break our hearts because well fuck we gave them the chance to do it.

Enough moping, it's almost midnight so happy fucking birthday to me, do trust me to get a bottle of vodka and drink a shot each time Jack says ''fuck'' or Alex says ''jesus christ Jack'' while watching this...

If I disappear...I'm at the ER...alcohol poisoning. Ha ha. Can't wait to see this DVD though, feels like I've waited for so long. Exciting plans are they not. Enjoy your weekend guys lord knows I'll enjoy mine. Stay safe!

Nothing compares to you.

I would not waste my life in friction when it could be turned into momentum.

Frances Willard

I'm not going to rant about music today even if that is the only thing keeping me happy and sane lately. I'm going to talk about something else. I spent the weekend outside sitting on my parked car reading some interesting material my friend sent me who just happens to be a psychologist. I've been feeling all kinds of crazy lately. I mean I've been feeling that way for a long long damn long time. So long I forgot what happy is like. I honestly don't remember what's it like being really happy, unless you count those few hours at a concert every now and then. But fully, completly happy. I have no idea what that is. Anyways lately things went from bad to worse I literally thought I am going insane. But now I read some of these things and honestly believe it or not I feel better. A little bit at least...the notes were from different books, books that talks about gifted children, young adults and adults in general. I never considered myself to be ''gifted'' or god forbid even inteligent or smart, but I came to realize that's not because of me. That's because of this place where I live. All my life all people did was bring me down, all they ever did was shut me up, told me I'm stupid, told me I know nothing, told me all I believe in is wrong or dumb. And it wasn't but obviously being put down for so long makes you believe them. And I was wrong for letting them get to me. Here are some things from various web sites that were also mentioned in the books.

Gifted people tend to have high moral standards, a strong sense of what's wrong and what is right, a sense about how others should be treated, it hurts them to see others mistreat each other, animals or the environment. I can't stress this enough, I can't scream it loud enough how much animal cruelty, wars, destroying the rain forrest pisses me off. I just can't. I can't scream loud enough how much I hate it when people mock me for my vegetarian - cruelty free lifestyle.

Gifted people are very passionate about what they love, about what interests them. What absorbs them – absorbs them. They easily devote their energy to what moves them. Yes. My art, my music, my photography. I don't care about nothing around me. I get so lost in what I'm doing the world around me just melts away.

Gifted people are independent, not followers. They don't do well in groups, they don't have the patience to work with people, they don't admire authority, they see people for who they are, they value people for what they are, who they are not their positions or place in the world. Yeah so damn true. I hate group work, I thought I was antisocial to a point where it stopped me from working with other people but turns out that's not it at all. I work better on my own. Either work, school, whatever it is...I am much better doing it alone. It's funny but I fell completly in love with that one Bon Jovi song ''we weren't born to follow'' I felt like it really ''spoke to me''. I can't follow someone, I can't be a blinded sheep. That's not me. I can't do that.

Depression or boredom if they are not engaged. Because much of what is in the world is simply noise for the gifted person, they may avoid stimulus. In fact, as a gifted person they require stimulus in the areas of their passions. Without the proper stimulus, their gifts can turn against them. Need I say more? I feel like I'm going out of my skin when I got nothing to do, when I'm not challenged properly. I can't even draw simple things no more, everything has to be a challenge for me or I'll get bored with it. It's almost like I'm bored with the simple things.

Feeling something is wrong with them because they are unlike others. Living as a minority, it can take a great effort to stop comparing yourself to others. One tends to compare one’s level of energy, number of friends, activity level, personality with that of others....I just...I can't even describe how true this is. I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like something is wrong with me 24/7. Why the hell can't I keep up a ''normal'' conversation? Why can't I connect with people? Why the fuck am I so different? Am I really that fucking strange? Is it me or everyone around me? It's annoying and it's torture in a way. I don't want to be so lonely but it's like I don't even have a choice.

Seeing outcomes before they occur. They tend to jump ahead. This can occur when they read, listen to someone talk or when they consider an issue. They often see what has not happened yet. Outcomes seems obvious to them because they are considering the variables in a way many are not. Hah. This one would explain why I always predict movie endings and I'm usually right too. Or telling people around me that doing something will end bad...it's exhausting fighting with people who just don't seem to understand. It's exhausting trying to explain to them why I'm right and they're wrong. Because honestly I'm not full of myself but in 90% of times I am in fact right.

Little interest in much of what interests others. They don’t find themselves easily absorbed in what interests others; events, activities, news or reading matter. They want to go deeper than most. YES! Thank you! All I hear from people around me is that I'm boring, that I have no interests, that all I care about is my music and my art. Well it's not fucking true, it's just that you don't care or understand things I care about, things that interest me. I am not interested in petty little ''events'' happening in town on the weekend, I mean cool something's happening but they're just not for me. I don't care. And I'm not boring because of it, I just care about other things. Other things I never get to experience where I live, other things you know nothing about, or care about, or understand...then again why bother everyone just asumes I like stupid things.

A rapid learner in the fields of their gifts. They tend to have natural abilities without formal training. They are rapid learners in the area of their gifts and creative thinkers, seeing beyond the given. Anything I say beyond this point is going to be bragging but it's the truth that when it came to learning another language or mastering a new type of drawing or learning a song or chords, it came real easy to me. I thought it was a god given talent because part of my family is artistic but as I put it in another post, there's no fairies with magic dust. There's only you, your hard work and dedication.

Many skills or interests. Many (but not all) gifted people find themselves gifted in more than one area. This can make focusing energies and prioritizing very difficult. True story. Life is so short though, there's so much to see, so much to experience, why settle down for just one thing? Why be stuck doing something you don't even like all your life. For some ''financial security'' or feeling of safety or what the fuck? That doesn't sound like living to me at all, more like surviving.

People that are gifted approach the world and problems differently than others. They may be concerned about things that do not concern others. This is a perfect explanation of all those ''god Nikki why do you bother?'' ''It's not your problem, why do you care?'' ''You can't change this so why are you bitching about it?'' Yup. About sums it up.

Gifted adults crave interchanging ideas with other gifted adults and many love to engage in intense intellectual discussions. Maybe that's why I always end up fighting with others. I can't make them understand things on my level because they just can't and I can't lower myself down to theirs.

One of the most outstanding features of gifted adults is their sense of humor which differs from others and consists often of subtle jokes, intricate teasing or puns. Gifted people often find that their jokes are received with silence because they are not understood. Sounds about right yeah or a lot of ''what?'' or ''what are you talking about?''.

Gifted adults need time for inner life experiences, and to understand themselves. Because it takes quiet time to clarify thoughts and feelings, gifted adults need contemplation, solitude and daydreaming. And this explains why I like being alone but hate being lonely. I don't mind spending time on my own. I love it actually, with nobody bothering me, not having to explain anything to anyone. It's the lonely I hate...and yes there is a difference. If you even had to ask then I can't even make you understand...

Gifted adults relate best to others who share their interests. Gifted adults may have a small circle of friends or sometimes only one, but the relationships are meaningful. Which brings us back to lonliness. This explains why I feel the way I feel. I can't connect with people because there are no people that would share my interests, that would be even a little bit like me. And while people tell me I need to ''grow up'' that's just not it.

Gifted adults are independent thinkers who do not just automatically accept the decisions of their supervisors. They function well in a participatory community and with those who are accepting of their attitudes and innovations. Which is kinda the same thing as the leader follower thing. Don't expect me to fall in line and do what you say. That's not me. I have a brain I can think and decide for myself...

And then we get to a point where you say ''okay this is maybe excatly what's ''wrong'' with me, now what?''. Gifted people tend to suffer, just my luck aye? High levels of stress, anxiety, agitation, depression sometimes even suicidal thoughts are not uncommon. I refuse to comment on this at all because it's basically describing my everyday life. The problem occurs when people do not realize what the problem is and give them wrong ''treatment'' which just worsens the situation. Their condition and symptoms worsen, they do not improve and oftentimes they will be blamed or blame themselves for their worsening condition or lack of improvement. *sigh* Tell me about it...

''When gifted, talented and creative adults are involved intellectually, emotionally, or artistically with others who think and act as they do, have a safe and understanding environment in which they can fully be themselves, and have supportive connections their sense of well-being, happiness and self esteem increase, so does their creativity and productivity.''

Aparently talented, gifted, creative people need other people they can relate to and love or believe in activities they are engaged in or they'll become off balance, emotionally, mentally, lose interest, have doubts about themselves, their abilities, have self doubt, blame, overwork with a tendency to burn out, they wont enjoy work or even their life, they'll isolate themselves, suffer from feeling like they're not good enough...

What can I say to all this? It's a blessing and a curse it would seem. I got some clarity, maybe more then from every IQ test I took so far, which all came out between 120-130. It makes me feel a little better feeling that maybe I'm not insane after all and a little worse because if all this is true then I'm just condemned to be lonely for the most of my life or waiting on a miracle. A miracle which means people that are at least a little bit like me. Or admit defeat and change to fit in with the rest, which is not only insane and something I'd never do but also I don't know how. I don't know how to be ''normal''. Maybe that's good after all, normal is a setting on a blowdryer or a washing machine, who would want to be that?

''Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.''