White

If Monday was a person, I'd gladly punch it in the face. Really. A religious friend of mine once told me that God gave us mondays to punish us for what we do on the weekends. I can't say that I don't agree. I would gladly say ''nope'' this morning. Roll over in bed and sleep. It would be nice. Nicer then the day I had, I've been called insane again today. Different reasons. Biggest one? It's crazy. Someone asked me what I ''crave'' in life and everyone around me went on a rant how they want traveling, crazy can't breathe without you kinda love, romance, so on and so on and then the guy asks me and I replied ''I don't know stability would be nice, both mental and financial, I want a job that doesn't kill me, I want to live in a non stressful environment'' and yet I'm the crazy one? See this is why I don't get along with ''children''. Aparently they don't know yet what kinda world they live in. I do. Traveling is nice and I wish I had money and time for it. And love is an amazing feeling but honestly...stability means more to me. If that makes me crazy...then so be it. I truly do live in a world full of people that don't understand me. Or is it the other way around? Maybe I don't understand other people? What's that line that Panic! at the disco used to title their fourth album? ''Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die'' I believe. That's how I feel. I honestly prefer being alone with my art and my vinyl away from everyone and everything. Sometimes I wonder if I'm missing out on ''real life'' out there. But then again...I don't think I am. I mean don't we all see living differently? Some people may think they ''live'' when they're hopping from party to party. Some people see living as fulfilling their dreams, some people see living in starting a family. We have different dreams and desires so why should our lives be the same? Seems crazy when you think about it doesn't it?

It's not even five pm yet, dark outside, I'm home alone, colored lights turned on and this album playing...life could be worse...

I hear this album is worth quite some money. Not mine though, it's not in the best condition. The cover that is, pretty banged up and the pictures that came with it are missing but the records play perfect despite the scrapes and hairlines so that's all that really matters, I don't plan on selling it anyway. I didn't even like it first time I put it in. I had to give it a second chance to properly fall in love with it. There's some fillers on it, that I still don't like to this day and I would always pick the Stones over the Beatles but I actually learned to love this album. Come on, it's the Beatles after all. So this album came out in 1968, this is my mother's copy, she had to buy it sometime in the 80's and I bet she had those missing pictures taped to her wall despite giving me a hard time for all my posters on the walls. Hey excuse me, I moved up now, my posters are framed or are concert pictures I took myself. It's basically art. Okay back to the album, it's actually selftitled album but everyone just calls it the ''white album''. I wonder where that came from. Hah. Let's be honest for a second, we all know that Bob Dylan is the most important figure in Rock n roll and the Rolling Stones are the embodiment of a rock and roll band, the Beatles are still a perfect result of everything Rock n roll really is. And this record is actually pretty awesome despite everything. Back in the USSR gives this parody vibe which quite honestly I think it's pretty cool. The songs are not in harmony at all, in fact they're in a conflict. The contrast is actually quite mind blowing. People complain, saying there's too much filler and that the album should just be a single instead of double. I'd agree once but today, I don't. It's a glorious and flawed mess and that's part of it why it's good. Messes and mistakes make us grow. I think those who love this album actually love it not because every song is a masterpiece but because even the little mistakes have their own place. Parts of it sound a little bit like solo artists, even the pictures inside...have you noticed how much more of a unit they used to be, same hairstyles, same clothes...and here you see that change for the first time. They sound different here, it's almost like you're just getting to know them. Not to mention the tension between the band was more then obvious at that point. The White album literally marks the final phase of their career since after they broke of into individual musicians. Not so sure if I should call that a catastrophy, since I absolutely adore John Lennon's solo work. Nothing and no one will ever top Imagine, best song ever written and who knows with the group intact it might not even exist. Thing is such a long mix of songs contains so many different musical genres, like folk and country and classical, they put a lot of effort in returning back to their basic rock and blues sound which they had in their earlier years and such diversity on a single album is pretty much amazing which is also the reason why there were mixed emotions about it. I think it's amazing, die hard fans probably didn't agree back then. Not that that matters since last time I checked this album sold really well since they sold over 10 million copies worldwide. I read an article once that his album was mostly written with an acoustic guitar in India and then later recorded in England which is where all the conflicts in the band really began. Aparently this was the first record where wives and girlfriends would attend, most notably, Yoko Ono. No wonder there was so much tension between McCartney and Lennon I never even met her yet I don't like her, this led to them recording in separate studios which quite honestly I hate. Band members that don't get along...it sucks. Alright, point here is the album was never received best, specially by the critics I believe the New York Times actually said it's boring beyond belief, but it's grown since then if that's possible, many people now call it their best work and with prices that come up to thousands of euros online that's not too bad either. To me personaly it's not their best, come on have you heard Sgt Pepper's? Because that one is amazing but White still holds some of their best works, ''Happiness is a warm gun'' or ''While my guitar gently weeps''. Give it a shot, let it grow on you, you might be surprised like I was.

Don't be fooled by your emptiness, there's so much more room for happiness.

''All of our gods have abandoned us.''

Do you know the empty feeling? That emptiness after you lose someone or something? The emptiness when you let go of your dreams because you're looking for other people's approval? The emptiness that hits you after you stop caring for yourself and push yourself so hard for your career or school or whatever it is that is slowly killing you...or being numb, feeling like work is unsatisfying, feeling like you're unsuccessful in everything you do, feeling like your relationship is unfulfilling and nothing is exciting anymore...you know that feeling? Do you think maybe we feel empty because we leave pieces of ourselves in everything we used to love? Or maybe people are draining us, you give so much of yourself to someone and then they just walk away...Do you ever wonder how can a person be so happy and so full of life and then suddenly so empty? Where does it all go? Do you feel like no matter what you do it will never be good enough? Like you will never be good enough? Do you know that feeling when you're in a really good mood and then there's always something, a word, a thing you see, a person, a thought, that makes you go ''oh'' and you suddenly feel empty and your chest hurts and you feel nausious like the world around you it literally falling apart. Or that feeling when you just feel too much and then nothing at the same time. Sounds crazy doesn't it?

''Hollowness: that I understand. I’m starting to believe that there isn’t anything you can do to fix it. That’s what I’ve taken from the therapy sessions: the holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mold yourself through the gaps.''

— Paula Hawkins, The Girl on the Train

But maybe, just maybe emotions should be like this. They're supposed to be brutal, strong, raw, passionate. You don't want someone to ''kinda'', ''sorta'', ''maybe'' love you, you want love that consumes you, you want it strong and wild, you want it to be a bonfire not a candle. So I guess that's why the negative emotions are just as strong. Here's the deal guys I get it. It hurts and it sucks and it feels like you're going mad and you feel like you can't take it no more. I get it, you're not alone. You feel like you're in a really dark place but I promise you there will be light as well. You're going to be alright. You need to accept that things won't be okay a while longer, then fight like hell, because someday....someday you'll be alright and all this will be a bad memory. You need to understand that being positive isn't always happy, it's knowing that things are bad but also knowing that they won't be bad forever. I promise you that one day it'll just ''click'', you'll just know. You will realize what's truly important and what isn't. You'll realize who is important and who isn't. You will learn to care less about things that don't matter, people that don't matter, things people say about you. You'll learn to care more about what YOU think of yourself because that's what truly matters after all. You'll realize how far you've come and you'll remember all the times you were a mess but recovered. And you will smile. You know why? Because you'll be proud of the person you grew up to be, the person you fought to be. Be proud of yourself, of everything you do, may it be a little thing or a big one. All this is just temporary, the pain is temporary. You know what they say about arrows right? An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards so if life is pulling you back then just look at this this way, it won't always be bad, someday you will be that arrow, aiming for greatness, all you got to do is believe and be willing to fight.

Thing is, holidays are coming up and just like each year people get into this shopping frenzy. And this family is coming over and that family is coming over and blah blah blah...you know how it goes. Well I hate it. Not the holidays itself, I don't mind if you like to celebrate then by all means do it. What I hate is the shopping malls that are basically forcing you to buy buy buy and all I think about is what about those people who have nothing? Who can't afford their children gifts? How must they be feeling looking at all this? It's absolutely disgusting and unfair. How about people suffering from whatever illness? They're spending holidays in hospitals, there's nothing ''jolly'' about the holidays for them. Or of course people that don't have family. People that miss their family and people who don't get along with their families. Not everybody lives in a Hallmark card. There are kids out there and grown ups for who the holidays are nothing but anxious and stressful events.

Which brings us to my point. I know that things can get hard during these days, so if you feel awful, empty, hopless, if you feel like crying that's alright, if you want someone to listen, I'm here, I don't care if we know eachother or not, I'll listen and do anything I can to make you feel a little less awful. You are not alone.

You can always email me *baby_im_a_monster@hotmail.com* or if you want to be annonymous leave me an ask on my tumblr *sweetchildofrocknroll.tumblr.com* don't be afraid to come talk, I don't care if we never talked before you can come and rant about your day if it makes you feel better, I'll be here to listen, because lord knows that's all we need sometimes someone to listen and care. A friend to help us through.

Stay safe out there guys, be kind and look after eachother.

You only hear the music, when your heart begins to break.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell am I even doing with my life. Sitting on tumblr reblogging the same pictures of my favorite band members, fawning over their guitar skills, voice, or plain and shallow their looks. Then I remember how music is the only thing making me feel alive, safe, happy. I remember how when everything is out of control and crazy and my head in a storm, those bands are the only thing that calm it all down. I remember I'm one of those kids raised by their music not their parents. There's so many bands that literally grew up with me. We all ''grew'' together, we changed together. There's bands that have been in my life longer then any friend has been. There's bands that I can honestly say saved my life, and it sounds cliche it's something all the ''kids'' are saying these days but it's the honest truth. I felt completly alone in the world more then once, I felt like I was going crazy, I felt like all hope is lost. I still feel that way sometimes and the bands, the music is the only comfort. The only ones I feel really understand me. And let me tell you something, it's an amazing feeling when a musician with their lyrics tells excatly what you feel, when you can't speak yourself. It's an amazing feeling when a song can bring up so many memories, of a place, of a time, of a person...and you know people change, people grow, things change, times change, our lives change but that song it's always the same and memories to it always remain. It's quite extraordinary when you think about it. I grew up thinking there's a certain way I need to behave, certain way I have to look, pick a career that I'll hate all my life but it's alright because it's a good kind of occupation, get married and have kids before I'm 25, go to the same vacation spot by the sea each year, drink coffee with my neighbors every saturday morning, because that's ''the right thing to do''. The stereotype people live by here. My musicians opened up my eyes to a world beyond that. They made me think. ''Do I want to be normal?''. No, there is a better way. I'm not saying it's always easy. There are days when I wish I was just like everybody else, average, ''happy'' with my ordinary life. It just doesn't work that way does it? I want it all, love, passion, travel, experiences, art, music, poetry, dreams...and above all I want to live, breathe, be free, because honestly, right now, I don't feel too free...but here's what helps...

You know what people say? ''When the music hits you, you feel no pain?'' it's the truth. A live show is just amazing. When those musicians you're fawning over online suddenly aren't pictures anymore, but living breathing people, right in front of you, and in a room full of people where it doesn't matter where you're from, what color your skin is or what religion you are, you are all conected because you love the same music. And then there are always moments, when the singer stops singing and let's the audience scream their lyrics back at them as loud as they can and there's the biggest smile on their face...those are the moments I live for. And these are some of my favorite memories. Some of the happiest nights of my life. Some of the saddest too, saying goodbye to Motley Crue was not easy for me. Some of the moments that changed my life forever. Like seeing my favorite band live for the first time, a feeling I can't describe, or seeing someone I admired for so long finally stand in front of me and it's even better then you could possibly dream of. What I'm trying to say is...someone once told me they admire my love or better yet passion for my music, that they could never love something as much as I love it. And they were right. And I wish everyone would find something they love as much, something that makes them feel as happy and as safe and as content. Or someone that is. You all deserve to feel that feeling.

And in that spirit...

You know I'm a big Bon Jovi fan right? Growing up their music was constantly playing either in my mothers car or stereo, she was downright obsessed with them, specially the song ''Bed of roses'', I still hate it to this day. Don't get me wrong, beautiful song but the fact that I had to hear it about ten million times did what it did. And I was lucky enough to catch two of their shows, in Croatia back in 2011 with Richie Sambora and then again in Milan in 2013 with Phil X, which I still believe was the best concert I've ever seen. Next to the Boss of course. But here's some truth that you're not going to like *if you're a die hard fan that is*...I don't like their new album ''This house is not for sale'' one bit. I don't know what really went down between them and Richie and honestly it's none of our business, I hope they work it out somehow for the sake of their friendship not the band. But here's the deal, I think Richie is not replacable. Yes Phil has mad skills and he's an amazing guitar player but he's no Richie Sambora. Something feels off. The sound, the voice, the melodies, the energy between the boys. I don't even know, I can't pin point the problem but something is not right. This new sound with all the keyboards sounds more pop then rock and I can't swallow that down...safe to say it will not be joining my cd collection and in case you're wondering, I own every single album on cd. I'll be listening to this one instead...

So the debut album huh? Early days of hair metal...when music was still music. Yeah the songs are simple and the lyrics are no masterpiece but honestly the songs are pure hard rock and they are amazing. They have soul, they have passion and they are good. So maybe this album didn't sell as good as the rest did *which debut ever does?* but I feel like it made a statment. A statment that they are meant for greatness and that they are here to stay, and obviously it's true. I always loved the way Jon put so much of himself in their songs, in their lyrics, they're honest and they're beautiful. The album opens with Runaway which not enough people know, I swear everyone around me still believes Living on the prayer is their first single, *sigh* I live with savages. Well it's not, Runaway is and it's such a cool, catchy song, pretty sure that was also the song that made a statment on all the charts and got A LOT of radio play. To me it still sounds exciting and new and fun all those years later, maybe because now no radio plays it anymore, they're focused on It's my life, Living on a prayer, Always, Bed of roses and Have a nice day and that's it. Those are great songs but ignoring all the rest is so missing out on the music genius that is Bon Jovi, like Stick to your guns or Living in sin from New Jersey those are such good songs. Anyway back to the self titled debut...you've got Roulette which is hard rock at it's finest and really shows Richie's amazing skills as a guitar player. Then you got Shot through the heart, who doesn't know that one? It might be a little cliche but they made it sound perfect none the less. Thing is what I love about this album it's that it starts on this kinda sad note but they change it around towards the end without making it sound abrupt and if that aint talent and basically screaming their musical abilities then I don't know what will. Point is, if you like the sound on Slippery when wet *coughbadboyscough* and you aren't just into the big over played hits then pick this one up and give it a chance, it really is a great record, amazing classic rock and I promise you a million times better then all the crap the radio, tv and society is force feeding us lately.

P.S. Did you notice how David Bryan is credited as David Rashbaum on this one? Oh and also, Metallica's Hardwired to Self destruct came out last friday and honestly you need to check that one out because that...woah...no words, it's mindblowing.

Runaway

Sometimes I don't know what to write about, or better yet as my family puts it what to complain about. That I'm going bankrupt because of cartridges? Do you know how expensive printing is these days? I have a photo printer, it's meant to print photography amongst other things and lately for school alone I used up three sets of god damn cartridges. I am honestly going to send them a bill one of these days. I'm not made of money. This is completly insane. I wouldn't even complain but the thing is they are literally having me copy text word per word out of my text book and print it out and that's that. Like you don't even have to be smart to pass school here, you just need to copy someone elses inteligence correct. Is this a joke? Honestly? I'm so done. SO done. And all those years of education and nobody teaches us to love ourselves and eachother and stop with the god damn hate and judgment and self loathing. Don't you think that's more important then I don't know fractions? Happier, healthier kids that grow up knowing how to love themselves and people around them? Kids that grow up into respectful adults, that are good, that don't know what backstabbing is, kids that help someone instead of pushing them down more. Guess my parents were right when they told me I'm basically a reincarnation of John Lennon. A dreamer. I dream of a world that can never happen. I am homesick for a place that doesn't exist, a place where I am happy, my heart is full, my body is loved and my soul understood. I am homesick for a feeling I never even had. A feeling of acceptance. I'm getting homesick for that thing that always made me feel like a trap. A white picket fence house, with a golden retriever and a prius parked outside. Truth do be told, my generation can't even afford a rent much less a house. I get so frustrated when older people shit on us how we're lazy, how we're stupid, how the system they grow up in was shit. Are you kidding me right now?! For real? You had free schools, free health care, you had rent or house payments maybe twenty bucks a month, you could go on vacation three times a year. Jobs were lined up after you finished school. You had every oppurtunity all you had to do was be willing to work. And what do we have? Nothing. Schools are too expensive, health care is too expensive, house or apartment you may as well forget about it. Vacation? Yeah with my finger across the map and that's it. A job? Haha that's funny. Why are we obsessed with phones - social media? It's a cheap way to ''hang out'' with your friends, most of us don't have the time or money to actually go out. You work all day and for what? Surely not to have some benefits from it. Obession with food? That was a good one. Of course we're obssesed with Nutella and pizza and beer it's the last bit of comfort we can afford, anything else? Not an option. You give us crap for not wanting children. Well for crying out loud we can't afford children. Why have kids if you can't even pay rent? For fuck sake. Why do I draw or have any other weird hobbies? Well isn't it obvious? Trying to make money and save money any way I can. Cynicism, anxiety, depression...hah we literally have to take up group fundraising collections for things like emergency expenses, health care, rent, house - car payments. Truth is we're all broke and it's driving us insane. So couple of years ago selfie was named as the word of the year and everyone threw a fit how it's the death of english language, because you know god forbid modern terminology considered as valid. People consider the millenials as the most selfish , lazy, shallow and narcisstic generation. Selfish to a point where the fact that you feel good and take a selfie can sum up your entire selfishness. Aparently we are consumed with ourselves and everything always has to be about us. They say all we care about is us, facebook, instagram, partying, having fun, doing nothing with our lives. And I call this bullshit okay. Every year school tuitions go up by at least 2% if not more, these generations now have the highest depression and anxiety levels then any generation before us. Little less then 50% of us won't get a job for over a year after school and even then it doesn't mean it's going to be a good job. This generation is in average 47,000$ in debt. Which is beyond insane. Who created this debt? None od us did. What did I do, commit credit card fraud? Please...I find it beyond crazy that everyone of us is considered in debt. I read an article the other day, every baby that is born here is already 5000 euros in debt. I can't even begin to process this information. What's the baby's crime? Being born? Madness. Almost 100% of people in my generation have had, will have or are suffering from an eating disorder. Like are you crazy? How are we standing by letting this happen? Almost 60% of girls struggle with thinking that they are the wrong weight, that they need bigger breasts, tinier waist, narrower nose...and you know why? Because there is a multi million or even billion I don't know, industry out there that keeps force feeding us this crap. That we're not good enough, that we're not pretty enough, that we're not skinny enough, that we will never make it, that we're lazy and stupid, that we've got nothing to be stressed enough. Everything they have to say to be successful. They don't care about pushing all of us down for their own success. And it's disgusting. Here's what I have to say to all of that, fuck them, pick your favorite filter, take a million of selfies, pretty, funny, goofy, whatever kind of selfies you want, and post them anywhere you want to, post them all if you want, spam the people, because you deserve to feel good about yourself, to feel enough, to feel beautiful. You deserve it considering the times you grew up in. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be positive and stress free and have a job you actually like. You deserve vacation and traveling and you deserve your own house or apartment with a god damn dog and a fat cat sleeping at the edge of your bed. Seriously we all deserve a little breathing room because honestly I'm so tired and so stressed and I am so done being told how much better we have it now and how bad the system used to be. Don't start that with me, you can't win. I am beyond frustrated and beyond angry and the worst part? I really don't see the way out. This is just one more of those things about me that people just don't understand. I'm not bitter or angry, well maybe a little, but what I really am is hopless and lost and confused and tired. Which is why I always say that now the only people I care to be around are artists, people like me who see the bigger picture and people who have suffered, who hadn't had it easy, those people know what beauty is, that life goes beyond petty little things we worry about. Those people know grief and sorrow and hoplessness. Nobody else interests me anymore. I don't have time for people that are grown ups but aren't grown up. You know what I mean? Lacking maturity. I don't have time for ''teenage drama'' that's just not me. And there were too many people like that in my life but I take comfort in knowing that they're no longer around and I take comfort in knowing that they think they know me based on who I was and based on what they read but guess what? They're left with this version of me that doesn't exist anymore. She was happier yeah and probably more fun but she was also dumber and naiive and I am glad I am no longer like that. I am honestly happy that all they have is a distant memory because I've changed and grown and they wont get the chance to know the better me, this newer version of me I've become while they were away. And you know what? It's their loss. And most of all I am glad to be around people who when I call them upset don't tell me ''oh maybe I can come around later this week'' but come over with a baseball bat saying ''someone's gon' get it''. Don't dwell on people that don't matter, focus on those who do instead, you'll be a lot happier. And remember no matter what crap people are saying, what the magazine is telling you. You.are.enough. You are beautiful the way you are. You don't need a fake tan and big boobs and a tiny waist, people who love you, love you for who you are not what you look like, and if they don't...well honey, they aren't even worth your trouble.

This is so not the way I wanted this blog to go to today but I got carried away with my frustrations. There's plenty of those so don't worry I'll have enough to write about if you stick around. Enjoy your weekend guys, I'll see you on monday with a little music recommendation.

P.S. Let me just share this before I go, because I was giggling for good two minutes when I read it...

''Take me to art museums and make out with me.''

''But they said to not touch the masterpieces.''

''Well somebody’s gotta pin the artwork to the wall''

What kind of a world do we live in?

This week has been an emotional rollercoaster. Probably more down's then up's too. The only thing keeping me sane is literally Bucky Barnes and Doctor Strange *I might be a bit of a geek yes, but Civil war and Doctor Strange are such good movies, well all of them are but this two happen to be my favorites* and the fact that I managed to rescue a kitty last night. After I spent an hour crying thinking I'd have to leave him out in the cold, but thanks to our shelter that came to pick him up in the middle of the night that is sorted. It's a no kill shelter as well and the cat was too adorable so I'm sure he'll find a new home in no time. It doesn't take much guys, a little random act of kindness, we should all learn how to be kind to eachother because the world is too dark as is. Kindness is all we have left. We're all the same, we don't need to treat eachother badly. We need to learn love and respect. Kindness begins with understanding we all struggle. You don't know the things someone is dealing with on the inside, untill you get to know that person. A friend once told me that I should radiate as much love as possible because love is like rain and we're all flowers in the desert. And he was right. Each day is a new opportunity, we should do good, be kind, be nice, help someone, smile to a stranger, be a friend to someone, encourage someone, care about someone, feed a hungry animal, pet a stray, let your words make a difference and heal not wound. But be cautious, be kind and gracious but don't let people take your kindness as your weakness, leave the beast inside you asleep not dead. You never know when you'll need it to come out and fight. Because no matter what you do, no matter how good you are, there are still people out there that will do the exact opposite. And though I believe love is stronger then hate, you still can't hug the hate out of someone.

So all that aside, I finished two drawings in the past week, that's all I do at night lately. Sleeping is an option I'm not getting so I best keep busy somehow...

That first one would be Norman Reedus, took me about twenty hours and I'm still not completly happy with it, or better yet the left hand. I really suck at drawing hands and it shows, that's why I've been trying to draw more of them lately. Practice makes perfect right? I couldn't draw faces and eyes like I do now way back when as well...for this one I used Kohinoor graphite pencils B, 2B and 4B, Derwents shading tool and blender, Faber Castells pencil eraser and a white ballpoint pen.

Second one is a portrait of Benedict Cumberbatch as Doctor Strange. I love Ben he did such an amazing job with this part and I had so much fun drawing him. Even if I struggle with color portraits. About 25 hours of work all together, Faber Castell polychromos, Kohinoor pencils B, 2B, 6B, I used pencils for the hair instead of black color pencils because it just looks nicer. Markers on the suit to blend the colors better and white ballpoint pen for some details. I hope you enjoy, I know it's not perfect but I'm trying. It's still only a part time activity that I love but hold no illusions that I could live of it.

Now. Back to the reason why I even write posts on mondays. I skipped my ''music monday'' more then once and it's about time I get back to it. With a record that's currently playing in my player...

Nashville Skyline is Dylan's 9th album, some people say it's also his best album. No arguing here since it's my favorite. It has the song Lay lady lay which is the only song in his recording history to hit top ten. I guess you could say he wasn't afraid to experiment a little bit, or pick up something from Johnny Cash since this record is completly different from anything he's done. It's missing the whole ''whiny''voice and the harmonica and *please don't shoot me* that's excatly what I like most. This was recorded and released in 1969 and I believe there's plenty Dylan was inspired by. In 1968 both Martin Luther King and Robert Kennedy were assassinated, there were riots and political protests going on in major cities. Richard Nixon was sworn into the office at the begining of 1969. And I suppose at the time Dylan was a leading cultural figure, since he's been pretty vocal when it came to social and political commentary.

We all know that Dylan is a special kind of person, from his ''diva tantrums'' to his latest Nobel prize drama which by the way I still feel nobody is more deserving, because his lyrics are absolutely amazing. Except maybe the Boss, but that's a whole different story. Thing is that Dylan didn't give a damn about recording a masterpiece, he did his own thing not concerned with how it'll play out, but I think that's excatly what he did with this record. A masterpiece. I love the duet Girl from the North Country, the way Johnny's and Dylan's voice blend together is just amazing. People said the way they sing different lyrics or phrase the same words differently while singing together bothers them but I actually absolutely love that. I love the songs Peggy day and Country pie, they're upbeat and a little easier. Thing is Dylan's music is known to be complicated, for more ''educated listeners'' and this is sort of a new insight of Dylan's songwriting. Sure these songs may not be one of Dylan's best songs he's ever written but they are still great songs. Point is he is one of the greatest songwriters that ever lived, which the Nobel prize now also confirmed. I suppose the only thing I don't particulary like is that it's only 27 minutes long. I could listen to this music a hell of a lot longer then just 27 minutes. The record made at the height of hippie love, anti war movment, politics and social issues, Dylan wasn't out to send a message or lost in his own art, trying to be the voice of the generation. He wasn't concerned with popularity or fame. He was in the midst of inspiration and clarity that the south has offered and that is what created this never before heard ''country rock'' style album. Why did he go to Nashville in the first place? I think the anwser to that question is Johnny Cash. God I wish I could see them talking about working together. And then actually work together. Man, had to be an amazing sight. Anyways, I enjoy this record more then anything else Dylan put out, give it a chance, take a listen, it's only 27 minutes of your life, and they can be 27 minutes of pure magic.

Alright 2016, you've made your point, now calm the **** down.

Now I've heard there was a secret chord that David played, and it pleased the Lord but you don't really care for music, do you? It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing Hallelujah.

Hallelujah, hallelujah...

Your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof her beauty and the moonlight overthrew her. She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, and she cut your hair and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah.

Hallelujah, hallelujah...

You say I took the name in vain, I don't even know the name but if I did, well really, what's it to you? There's a blaze of light in every word, it doesn't matter which you heard the holy or the broken Hallelujah.

Hallelujah, hallelujah...

I did my best, it wasn't much, I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch, I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you. And even though it all went wrong, I'll stand before the Lord of Song with nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah.

Hallelujah, hallelujah...

- Leonard Cohen, 1934-2016, Rest in paradise.

Tonight the world is much darker.

Do you remember that meteor that was supposed to hit us back in 2012? When people were freaking out that the end of the world is upon us? I wonder how that meteor is doing today and if it's interested to hit us now...

See I don't write posts on wednesdays but today I'm making an exception. I am devastated, heartbroken, worried, scared, terrified...and any other negative emotion that you can think of. I honestly can't believe this is even happening. How could America go from the first black president, one of the kindest and most intelligent men that the oval office has ever seen to a racist, xenophobic, homophobic, misogynistic, pedophilic, braindead orange reptile. I can't even believe that to this day America still hates women so much that they would elect someone with no plans, no skill, no experience, no dignity, no brain and endorsed by the fucking KKK clan win over a woman who's spent her entire career in politics. So if you need surgery you're gonna go to someone who says ''hey I think I can be a pretty good surgeon'' or to someone with thirty years of experience? I know what this is the racist white superiority. Ya'll don't care about no one but yourself. Let me tell you something if you voted for Trump, if you support Trump, you're not just against Hillary, you're against every homosexual, against every black, hispanic, non white person, you're against kids with special needs, all transgender and LGBTQ people, all phisically and mentally disabled people, all women. You voted against everyone who isn't like you a white, straight, rasict. So fuck you all of you, if you voted for him I hate you, if you support him I hate you. Do me a favor and click unfollow me, unfriend me whatever else, just so I never have to hear another word from any of you.

And to every person of color that may be reading this, any LGBT person, every woman and minority in the States or out of the States, I am so very sorry that you have to go through this. You deserve better. I truly hope that no matter what you're staying safe.

“Always aim high, work hard, and care deeply about what you believe in. And when you stumble, keep faith. And when you’re knocked down, get right back up and never listen to anyone who says you can’t or shouldn’t go on.”

- Hillary Clinton

Thank you for fighting so fiercly, with such intelligence and so much compassion and grace. Thank you.

I'm afraid.

I wrote and deleted this post a couple of times, no matter which way I take it people are going to get offended. And while I don't care about what people think, this is an important matter.

To my American readers, guys, I'm stressed enough as is, so I am begging you if you're old enough to vote, please vote. And if you do, please don't let a sexist, racist, bigoted, homophobic orange reptile win. Because if you do, you are literally putting actual lives in danger. You are putting Latino, Asian, Native American, women and black lives in danger. The gays, the lesbians, the homeless. I am terrified to wake up in a nightmare and see that he won. I'm scared that if he wins someday sexual assault, rape, ''grabbing women by the pussy'' will be a joking matter instead of condemned. I'm terrified of more news about black people, latino people, lesbians, transgenders killed. I'm terrified of the idea of Trump and his minions commanding an army. I'm scared shitless of a man like Trump in charge of nuclear codes. I know whatever I say at this point is pointless, people who support him are just too damn dumb to see what he truly is. A monster. Here are some of the things he said in the past, some of the things I just can't process and I can't even believe he still has support. After all this...what the hell is the matter with people?!

- “ 26,000 unreported sexual assults in the military, only 238 convictions. What did these geniuses expect when they put men & women together? ”

- “You know, it doesn’t really matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.”

- “You wouldn’t have your job if you weren’t beautiful.”

- “My favorite part of ‘Pulp Fiction’ is when Sam has his gun out in the diner and he tells the guy to tell his girlfriend to shut up. Tell that bitch to be cool. Say: ‘Bitch be cool.’ I love those lines.”

- “If I were running ‘The View’, I’d fire Rosie O’Donnell. I mean, I’d look at her right in that fat, ugly face of hers, I’d say ‘Rosie, you’re fired.’”

- “I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”

- "And the girls, we're supposed to call them women, but they're girls to me .”

- "You have to treat 'em like shit."

- “I will build a great wall and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.”

- “It’s freezing and snowing in New York we need global warming!”

- “The point is, you can never be too greedy.”

- “Nobody cares about the talent in beauty pageants. There’s only one talent you care about, and that’s the look talent. You don’t give a shit if a girl can play a violin like the greatest violinist in the world. You want to know, what does she look like?”

- “Pregnancy is never, it’s a wonderful thing for the woman. It’s a wonderful thing for the husband. It’s certainly an inconvenience for a business.”

- On working mothers: “An employer could say she’s not giving 100 percent, she’s giving me 84 percent, and 16 percent is going toward taking care of children.”

- Said to 14-year-old girls: “Wow! Just think—in a couple of years I’ll be dating you.”

- “My IQ is one of the highest and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.”

- “Number one, I have great respect for women. I was the one that really broke the glass ceiling on behalf of women, more than anybody in the construction industry.”

I can't even begin how racist and above all hypoctirical it really is to call Mexicans rapists when he has more then one rape charge hanging above his head. I can't scream it loud enough how hypocritical parents that support Trump really are. Why you go and teach your child rape is wrong, sexism is wrong, racism is wrong then you go and vote a man that represents all that?

''Fat. Pig. Dog. Slob. Disgusting animal.'' these are just some of the names Trump calls women. A man that wants to be a president. From saying no one would vote for his former rival Carly Fiorina because of her face to saying women should be "punished" for having abortions and "joking" that he'd date his daughter...I mean is there anything more to say? It should be enough to bury him on the spot but no, people still support him, people still vote for him, women vote for him, I can't...I just can't even begin to understand what the hell is going on. In an interview with Vanity Fair, while he was still married to Ivana, Trump said: “I would never buy Ivana any decent jewels or pictures. Why give her negotiable assets?”. Not to mention he says ''my women''. Women aren't assets Donald.

In the 1993 footage, Trump was asked about his image as a womaniser. He replied: "I don't enjoy that image. Yes I have that image. I think women are beautiful, I think certain women are more beautiful than others, to be perfectly honest and it's fortunate I don't have to run for political office.". Whatever I say at this point it's pretty much pointless don't you think? There was an interview with the ABC news, a long while back, not that that matters much, his views on the world and women haven't changed. In this interview he talked about wives and ''duties''. He said; “I have days where, if I come home and I don't want to sound too much like a chauvinist, but when I come home and dinner's not ready, I go through the roof.” In that same interview, he compared women to buildings and added that he gets bored when they become successful; “I think that putting a wife to work is a very dangerous thing, unfortunately, after they're a star, the fun is over for me. It's like a creation process. It's almost like creating a building. It's pretty sad.”

There is also a book, by Carrie Prejean, she referres to a thing called the ''Trump rule'' at the miss USA pageant, which unfortunally he was a co owner of. She wrote that he had the women parade around in front of him so he could separate those he found attractive from those he didn't. She literally wrote; “Many of the girls found this exercise humiliating. Some of the girls were sobbing backstage after he left, devastated to have failed even before the competition really began, it was as though we had been stripped bare.”

And then since the horrible incest jokes never end in an interview where Ivanka was asked what she and her father have in common she said ''real estate or golf'' you know what he said? "Well, I was going to say sex, but I can't relate that to her". If you don't find that absolutely sickening then something must be wrong with you too.

Are we going to turn away from the mass outrage after he adovacted ''some sort of punishment'' for women who have abortions if they are made illegal and let's face it if he has it his way they will be. He was pro choice for a damn long time before changing positions, he now believes that the Supreme Court ruling legalising abortion should be overturned and that individual states should be allowed to ban it. His campaign said he believes abortion should be legal only in instances of rape, incest or when the life of the mother was at stake. "There has to be some form of punishment," he said referring to women who would seek to defy the ban. Then two hours later he changed his position again saying that he would punish doctors who performed abortions but not the women themselves. Okay then, that makes it all alright doesn't it? And then we got the accusations on the final debate where he attacked Hillary with;

''I think it's terrible if you go with what Hillary is saying in the ninth month you can take the baby and rip the baby out of the womb of the mother just prior to the birth of the baby. Now, you can say that that's okay, and Hillary can say that that's okay, but it's not okay with me. Because based on what she's saying and based on where she's going and where she's been, you can take the baby and rip the baby out of the womb in the ninth month, on the final day. And that's not acceptable.''

Just in case you skipped biology in school Donald, let me point out that at nine months it's not an abortion, it's called giving birth.

And then you've got the one thing that probably shocked me most. I am still horrofied and disgusted and I just can't even process that it actually happened. There was a video in which he discusses ''grabbing women by the pussy'' he said that ''when you're a star they let you do it''. He actually bragged about groping and trying to have sex with women, including married women. Is this what we're teaching kids now? That sexual assault is okay? That groping women is okay? Are you for real?!

Now putting the fact that he's a horrible, sexist, racist human being, if we can call him human at all, let's take a look at the fact why he'd be a terrible president. You know how there is a saying that a ''president is only as good as his advisors''? Now tell me who could and would that is advise Trump. The only thing he knows how to say is ''you're fired''. He's used to doing what he wants, getting everything he wants and being the boss of his own company he was calling all the shots. He doesn't listen to nobody and he sure as hell didn't listen to anyone on his campaign so far when they told him to tone it down. Now imagine would he listen to army advisers, would he listen advice about health care, military, foreign policy the economy? Do you want a man with thin skin and mentality of a five yearold in charge of important desitions? Do you want him in charge of powerful weapon? Do you want him in charge of anything?

What does Donald actually know about politics? He's been spouting hate and racism all over the place but not offering any solutions to anything. And what was his first campaign policy? A bloody wall to keep Mexican people out of the U.S. Putting the fact how racist that really is have you even thought about how impractical it really is? Or insanely expensive? And he plans to charge the Mexican government for the cost of it? Are you absolutely insane? Though you know on the end of the day if it ever happens Mexicans could be glad they would have a huge wall separating them from the bloody psycho. Touching other important policies he said he plans to kill Obama care and replace it with ''something amazing''. Yes. Of course. I bet that's something to look forward to. Specially after Obama finally managed to do something when it comes to healthcare. Let me point it out, health is a basic human right, a priority, it shouldn't be a privilege. While we're talking about politics. He has no experience. He has never been elected office of any kind. He never before gave political speeches. So why on earth, WHY, would anyone asume he'd make a good president? I'm not saying he's not a good businessman, obviously he has to be having built the empire that he did. But for the love of god the White house is not Wall street. Do you think he knows how to deal with Democratic counterparts? Do you think he knows how to give speeches about things he doesn't care about like the poor, the homeless, education? Yes, he doesn't care. He's a shameless self promoter and that's all there is to it. He himself said it that a huge plus of his campaign is the fact that he's rich, if something has to be paid he can pay it himself. Oh, I'm sorry, I had no idea that a thing such as presidency can be bought these days. Sorry. My bad.

We all know about Trumps morals, or lack of them there is, right? The United States president is supposed to be a moral person, a God fearing Christian and a devoted family man or woman. If this is true or not that's another story, but let's look at the past, Reagan failed the first time because voters had a hard time accepting that he was married for the second time. We all saw what happened to Clinton after that affair. But Trump...affairs, sexual assault accusations, ''bastard'' child, married three times, non religious, I mean no president candidate ever had personal life this questionable.

You know that politics is the art of tactics and compromise but Trump doesn't work with anyone, what does he do? He sues everyone. Over the years he's been involved in more then 3500 lawsuits that are not just tied to his business but fired at anyone who did as much as criticize him. He literally sued Palm Beach county because they refused to redirect airplanes further away from one of his estates, which in order to do they would have to relocate the airport. Now tell me please because I'm dying to know how will this man child behave in the White house? In an envirovment where you can't launch a lawsuit each time you don't just get what you want but have to actually compromise or negotiate?

So Trump has this slogan ''Make America great again''...but honestly I believe America is pretty great as it is now. A lot of what makes it great is the political progress it has made over the last century. Just look at the women's rights, racial equality, better lives for people with disabilities and transgender people. Now he threatens to undue all this with his repeated attacks on women, minorities, immigrants, LGBT comunity. All the crap he's been saying definatelly does not reflect the values USA was founded on. America is the place where people can succeed despite their background, gender, race. Obama as the first black president was a huge moment for the country. For the world actually. So now you want to tear all that down, tear everything people tried so hard to build by voting for this orangutan? Might as well say that apartheid was a good idea...then again he basically is saying just that. Nevermind.

Trump actually gone bankrupt four times. Intentionally? He claimed that those bankrupcies weren't failures but strategic decisions to help him make more money. So best case scenario he's lying and he's actually bad at business or worst case scenario, he is intentionally manipulating the system for his personal benefit. We all know how good he is at paying texes, or not paying taxes that is. And you want someone like that handle the country's entire economy? You have got to be kidding me.

Now I know Hillary isn't perfect, I know she has enough skelletons in her closet, probably hasn't been honest all the time because honestly how many politicians are actually honest? But she's far less of a threath then he is. And she's far more of a decent human being then he is. Not to mention it disgusts me how people expect her to be the most qualified woman in history while she's running against least qualified man and she still may not win. We could go on and on and on but what's the point? It's simple, fact is he has proven many many times that he would make a terrible president, there isn't one single argument that would prove it otherwise. And if you still think he's a good man, a good candidate, that he'd make a good president then please do everyone in America and the rest of the world a favor, stay home on election day, because honestly you are just not mature enough to make any sorts of decisions much less an important one such as this.

Oh and just some food for thought there was a time when Hitler was elected, people voted for him, and he turned out to be one of the worst monsters the world has ever seen. We've seen it happen and yet now when it's happening again there's a chance we'll let it. History can't repeat itself. So please, stop it.

If I didn't have you there would be nothing left, the shell of a man who could never be his best.

''Le kaj v tvojih je očeh? Ta ples, ta led. Vse tvoje barve srca prelepe za oba. Ne morem vstran od oči preveč boli, ne morem vstran od srca bojim se da bi šla.''

- T.M.

Here's the deal. I don't do this. Like ever. I don't write blogs. I don't talk about my ''feelings'' like this. I got my ''tough guy image'' to maintain. But I'm making an exception today. Why? Fucking long ass story, but if we make it short? Why do we do crazy shit? Out of love obviously. Maybe vengeance and hate as well, but this one is all love. We've both been strugling lately. Life was a little crazy and a little messy. I want to tell my Queen some things she probably forgot along the way. Some things to show her that life is not as fucked up and as gloomy and as dark as it may look right now. Some things she's probably not even aware of. So sit down and shut up and let me proclaim my undying love to her, was that too much? It was, wasn't it. You can go, really, there's only one person that I really want to read this and she probably is while gritting her teeth along with ''that bloody idiot, how dares he hack my blog''. I'm sorry babe, I had to, now please, don't be stubborn and read what I've got to say.

I've been in love with this girl for almost ten years now. So help me god the first time I saw her, all long legs in black skinny jeans, combat boots on her feet and that washed out Metallica shirt. I was done for. She was 15 at the time, and I just joined the club her family was a part of all their lives. She was their ''princess'' and naturally off limits to me. Not to mention she was taken, of course she was, a girl like that couldn't possibly be alone. They were always together anyway and I remember hating the way they looked at eachother, it was pure torture. I didn't even understand it at the time, I didn't know what I was feeling, I didn't know I was jealous as hell because I fell for this girl so badly. We live in a small town, we'd always bump into eachother out on the streets, I'd see her in our bar, or in the clubhouse helping the boys work on their Harleys and let me tell you something, she'd kick all their asses when it came to fixing bikes. Or she'd sit in the corner booth in the bar, drawing, ignoring the world completly. I was so fascinated with the way her face would show nothing but concentration and everyone that dared to walk up to her and interrupt got told to fuck off right away. It was adorable really. She was nothing if not a wild child, and took no shit from no one. I remember walking up to her one day no particular reason, let's just say I grew a pair and finally decided to talk to her. Or better yet stole the waitress her drink and brought it over myself. She was drawing a portrait of Keith Richards, the very same portrait that is still framed on the wall in my office, focusing on every little line and wrinkle on his face. I told her it looks amazing and she looked up at me, grinning, saying thank you. I thought I died on the spot. Literally. That smile, shit, it makes the sun look pathetic. Which is why it's breaking my heart that I see so little of it these days.

We met ''officially'' a week later, another long story and a missunderstanding that had us both handcuffed and thrown in the back of a cop car. I know I should be worried but I wasn't. I was fascinated with the way blue lights were glowing in her bright eyes. She was so mad, going all wild child on those coppers. He pushed her inside where I sat cuffed grinning like an idiot. She goes ''oh you're here too?'' smiling a bit. I told her my name and she said ''cool, I'm Nikki, like the rockstar'' and I was done for. Done. That's probably the moment I knew there was no going back. She sat next to me sassing the cop each time he asked her anything and humming Metallica songs to annoy them even more. And if the situation wasn't too perfect, us sitting there together was beyond perfect. A month later was her birthday month, I ran into her downtown, her lips painted with a bloody red lipstick that made them look even better if that's possible and a little puppy in her arms. I remember that day because that was the day she was happiest. She adores dogs and getting one as a present was probably the most thoughtful thing anyone could of done for her. Which is by the way the trick I used. She has no clue but I kept bringing my dog to work because of her, not because I had nobody to look after him. I enjoyed watching her eyes sparkle when she played with the dog. It was beyond perfect. There was nothing ''girly'' about her at the time, actually there still isn't. She's always in skinny jeans, combat boots and leather, and her hair changes color every 3 months but so help me god nothing is sexier then those jeans and those washed out band shirts on her. There was a night I remember so well. She sat at the bar drinking whiskey shots, her eyes red and watery and I felt like my heart is being repeatedly stabbed. I couldn't stand the idea that something was hurting her this much. I remember when she suddenly left and I ran after her watching her look for her car in confusion. I asked her if she plans on driving like that because I knew better, she would never do that and she told me why not there's nothing more that can happen to her now. It was horrible. Absolutely horrible. Just those words alone killed me. I walked right up to her and took her car keys, we were so close I could smell whiskey and perfume and it was intoxicating. My head was litterally spinning. I felt like a complete idiot. Sweaty palms, head spinning, stuttering? Not much of a tough guy huh? I told her I'd drive her home and she told me no because she doesn't want to wake up in my trunk as a skin suit. That still makes me laugh. She did give in eventually though and I took her home, carried her into bed. I remember staring at all the band posters on her walls. She loved all the same music as I did. Even some local bands I didn't imagine anyone but me knew. The room was so her I never wanted to leave, messy clothes and guitar picks littered all over the floor, vinyl and comics in the corner, a guitar in the other corner and not even a square inch of wall free, all covered in posters, photography and drawings. Her own works. I had to be staring at it for like an hour, amazed by her talent and even more so when I noticed she had a picture of us together on the wall. A picture I had no idea was taken. Crazy how things turn out huh?

I remember walking into the club once, guys yelling over eachother, threaths and curses flying around. I had no idea what the hell was going on, till I walked into the back office looking for the president who sat on the couch with her. Her lip split open and I felt such rage. I wanted to rip someone's vocal chords out. I couldn't even understand why someone would hurt her, every single part of me was screaming at me to keep her safe to protect her from all and any harm and there it was an obvious reason someone didn't share my opinion. She can push your buttons, and make you mad, and hell you'd want to rip your hair out sometimes when you can't make her stubborn ass see something from a different perspective. She's wild, she's irrational, she's impulssive but it's challenging. You never know what's going to happen next and that's what's the best about her. You're never bored. That's why I couldn't understand. Why would anyone want to hurt her? If only I knew then that things are never as black and white as they seem. It's amazing though, all her teen years and later people always treated her badly. People she'd call friends. It's crazy. For someone so intelligent and smart and amazing, she always managed to find the wrong set of people to hang around with. There are some things I just can't make her see, she's not meant to be an obediant sheep, she's not meant to fit in, she's special, a leader not a follower and letting people change her is literally the worst thing she could of done. I wish I could make her see that she doesn't need to be something she's not to make people like her, those who do, and those who matter will love her for her. She deserves so much better then these idiots around her.

And I remember that night. I wish I could wipe it out from both our memories. I never ever want to feel like I did then again. I sat in the club working late when I heard about an accident, her license plates, three people have died. That's what they said. I wanted to die on the spot so I wouldn't have to feel anything anymore. That whole week was an emotional rollercoaster. I didn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I don't even remember crying like that ever before in my life. That's how everyone found out how I felt. Well that and the doctor asking if any of us share her blood type and I told them I do and to take all of it because I don't want to live if she doesn't. It was a shock for all of them. And me. I didn't think the time will come when I'll actually tell them, tell anyone, say it out loud even. Saying it out loud made it real. I expected any of the guys breaking my jaw on the spot, but they were silent, nobody said a word. I was by her side the entire time and her first words to me after she woke up were ''why are you crying?'' boy was she oblivious. You had to spell it out for her. But that wasn't the right time for that. I had to tell her the bad news because I couldn't stand the thought of her hearing it from some stranger. And it was as bad as I imagined it. I knew it wasn't my fault but I felt like I was the one who broke her heart and I hated myself for it. We broke any and all hospital rules that night, I was right there next to her while she was laying in my arms and I felt tears soaking through my shirt and it was hell. I was in hell. I wanted to take all that pain away. I wanted to take it on me. Anything just to stop the sadness in her heart.

Things were as hard as you can imagine after that. We were friends more then anything, it wasn't the time to be involved any other way. And that was alright. I wanted nothing but to be close to her. Any kind of close I could get. I never stopped feeling guilty. Hell I feel guilty now. I know, I fucking know what happened wasn't my fault, but I wanted him out of the picture so bad but never like this. I saw her entire world falling apart and it was tearing my heart apart. It made me do crazy things, like keeping distance, I wanted her as far away as possible. I knew I wasn't right for her. She deserved so much better and with my position and lifestyle, I could never ask her to live like that even if I knew I'd give it all up for her. I fell in love with the way she loves her music, and her art and cars and bikes and animals, completly, totally, unconditionally and irrevocably. Well it slipped out one night when she came out after a long time and I kept my distance we got into an argument she'd tell me ''Why are you being such a dick? Why won't you even look at me?'' and I snapped at her ''Because I'm fucking in love with you''. I regreted it and I was relieved at the same time. It shut her right up she stood there staring at me, eyes wide, uncapable of forming any words. It was adorable and crazy at the same time, I couldn't believe she never even suspected it.

We moved slow from that point on, she was afraid to trust anyone, hell to love anyone else and I didn't want her to feel preassure. I didn't want her to think I'm interested in a little wham bam thank you ma'am, when in all reality all I wanted was waking up together every damn morning. The whole marriage, kids, white picket fence bullshit Americans have. Not like that would happen, she's not a ''desperate housewife'' as she puts it. But we're working on it. Not that it matters, just having her heart, having her love me as much as she loves me, more then I deserve in the first place, is enough. I would never need anything more in life as long as I have that. Why am I writing this down? It's just a small tiny fraction of our lives but I want her to remember that we've been through literal hell and so much shit together already and it only made us stronger in the end. And now it's the same. Life is so fucked up and future is scary but we're not alone. I got you, you got me and baby that's all the ''back up'' we need. No matter how hard it gets we're going to be alright because we're together. If I never make any other dream come true then just being with her is enough, enjoying the little things with her, the fact that we love the same music. Well, most days we do. Though honestly I even love how she'd play Nickelback when she's upset when on any other day she'd throw the radio out the window for playing them. I love how she tries to piss me off by playing country music in her car, disappointed when I help her sing along. I don't really hate Flagline, Gilbert, Urban, Moore, Bryan as much as I say I do. She loves them, I'm learning to love them. I adore watching her put on her lipstick, that bright red one, it's the most sexy and erotic thing to watch. I love the way she loves muscle cars and bikes, I love that we can talk about that as well. I even love watching her stupid tv shows with her, she's so cute when she's all upset cursing the writers and directors for torturing her favorite characters. I even love watching her fawn over Dean Winchester. Yeah yeah we get it he's hot, buff and handsome. Enough already. Hah. I don't mind it as much as I say I do. I love the little sparkle in her eyes when she talks about something she loves. I love watching her play that old beat up guitar or piano, shit she's talented as fuck. I love watching her work or draw, she gets so lost in what she does, her teeth chewing down on her lower lip, it makes me wanna throw everything on the floor and just makeout like crazy. I love laying in the back of my car with her on a summer night with nowhere to be but right there, rock ballads on the radio and my hands tangled in her hair. Fucking heaven right there. I love how in a bar if they give her a staw with her drink those straws always end up completly chewed up at the end and tucked around her wrist. I love how she tells everyone she hates One Direction but has about 5 songs on her iPod, loving them none the less. Oh, wait, I probably shouldn't tell that to the people huh? I'm sorry. Hah. I love how selfless she really is. If someone needs her it's not a question of if, it's a question of when. She's got a heart of gold and that's why people tend to use her. I love how when she loves someone or care about something she puts her whole heart into it. There's not a selfish or careless bone in her body. And it pisses me of how much crap people give her for not being a ''people person'' and prefering animals. I get it. If you're hurt and let down that many times, it's only normal that you're careful. Or more comfortable on your own. And that's alright. She's the kinda person that cares about the planet, the nature the animals in it and I love that about her. I hate people that bring her down, telling her she's wrong, telling her she's an idiot. She's not, fuck all of you. We should all learn that not two people see one thing the same way. We have different perspectives and that's alright. Except those of you who put others down for being different. That's wrong. I hate people giving her shit about her life, her desitions, her art, her appearance, her hair, her clothes, her lip rings, her ink and most of all I hate people that give her shit about us. I fucking hate it when they tell her I'm using her, abusing her, lying to her, cheating on her. Saying that I never loved her in the first place, that she's just a play thing to me. I know she knows better but I can't scream it loud enough, I would never hurt her. I would rather chew off both of my arms then hurt her. She's my entire world. I was in such a dark place before I met her. I was bitter, I was always angry, I was playing with women I confess, because none were her. None were the one. I honestly wasn't even living till she came along and made my life worth living. And the truth is that I love her more then I could possibly love anything in this world. She's the Sam to my Dean, the Sally to my Jack, the Jack to my Alex, my Khaleesi, my moon and all the stars combined and most important my rock. When everything is fucking upside down and wrong I can rely on her to be there for me and make it better. At the end of the day, people don't matter only we matter, they're jealous and they're bitter and mad at what we have because it's perfect. They like to pretend to know what's going on in our lives, they pretend to know us but they probably never will. They don't know what keeps us awake at night or how we hate that stupid Teena Marie song but sing along to it anyways. They don't understand why she loves her stupid favorite band so much and why I'm so grateful for them. They don't know our favorite places in the city or where we ''hide out'' to be alone. They don't know why those shredded red Converse she keeps in her shoe closet but never wears again mean so much to the both of us. They don't know why we always avoid certain streets in our city and they don't understand how much mean comments actually hurt her. She acts all tough but cries when nobody is around. They don't know why we enjoy paintball or how she kicks my ass in it just like in Call of duty. She's scary good. They don't understand that we're perfectly happy on the couch, all tangled up reading a book or listening to one of our many records. There's no lack of intimacy because this is intimate too. They don't know that we actually enjoy tearing Harley's apart and putting them back together again. They'd say she does it to make me happy but that's not it at all. They don't know that I'm not dragging her to see Marvel movies with me, we both enjoy them and they don't know I go see stupid romantic chick flicks with her as well. Because why the fuck not? They don't know how our favorite season, music, food, city it's all the same just as our fears and dreams are. And most important they have no idea how much I love her. They say it's just a fling, they say it will never last, but look at us, years later, still going. They're all wrong, I love many things but nothing compares to the love I feel for her. I'd give up everything I own for her in a heartbeat and still be the happiest man alive. She's my Queen, the only thing and everything right in my life. The only thing that matters, there's not a thing I wouldn't do for her. Nothing I wouldn't do to put a smile on her face and keep it there. Love can change us, I used to be different, god forbid saying out loud how I felt, or kiss a girl in front of my ''people'' but now I don't care, I don't care who is looking, who is around us, I am proud to call her my girl and sure to let her know. Fuck I adore that girl so much, she's my wonderwall, my very own Halley's Comet, the light in my life and all the fucking colors in my world.

Doll, I'm so sorry for hijacking your blog but love letters are so passé aren't they? I know this is a huge blow to my tough biker exterior and the guys will have shit to say for years but guess what I don't fucking care. I'm not ''tough'' when it comes to you. I love you, I'll always love you, forever and a damn day.

G.R.