Baby, blue ain't your color.

''I can see you over there staring at your drink, watchin' that ice sink all alone tonight. And chances are you're sittin' here in this bar 'cause he ain't gonna treat you right, well, it's probably not my place but I'm gonna say it anyway 'cause you look like, you haven't felt the fire, had a little fun, hadn't had a smile in a little while. Baby, blue looks good on the sky, looks good on that neon buzzin' on the wall, but darling, it don't match your eyes. I'm tellin' you, you don't need that guy, it's so black and white, he's stealin' your thunder, baby, blue ain't your color...''

Do you ever think about what you're afraid of?

I didn't. I never feared many things. Except the same old worn out things like most people do. Small spaces. Spiders. Snakes. Being alone, well not alone, I like being alone. Being lonely. Yeah lonely sucks. And never making it in life. Building a career, a home, a life. Things have been falling apart lately. Falling apart badly. Everything I touch feels like it's crumbling to dust. Like Thanos snapped his fingers and my life was suddenly in ruins. Left me wondering, can I be like the Avengers? Can I pick myself up and rebuild? That's what I'm afraid of. That I'll never recover. That I'll never be whole again.

I honestly don't know what was happening for the most of last year. It's like a blur of emotion. I constantly feel like I'm on a roller coaster, stuck in that moment when it climbs up just before it's about to drop. Or like standing in the middle of a tornado and the world is a blurry swirling mess around you. And I am so tired. Tired of pretending. Getting up in the morning, getting dressed and trying to function normally when my life is anything but normal. I know life goes on, I know time stops for nobody but all I get is angry because I feel like nobody really understands what's it like. How much it hurts. How hard it really is. How could they? Why should they?

And you know what's the only thing that grounds me during those god awful moments? Memories. Happy ones. I may not have many but some…well some are pretty amazing. I wanted to share one with you guys. Well I wanted to write it down so I don't forget. It's a precious memory. I never knew how much it could mean to me some day.

You know ever since I was a little girl all I remember ever wanting was a dog. Every birthday, every Christmas all I asked for was a puppy. And my parents always found excuses. There was always something, too young, dogs are a huge responsibility, we don't have the time, we don't have the space,…but you know me stubborn as I am, I kept begging and begging. And well I was about 13 when that wish was granted. It was a reward for all perfect grades in school.

Dad did some research and found people that sold Golden retriever puppies. I won't ever forget the day we went to see the puppies. There was about eleven puppies running around the garden. If you ever think that there's a happier place on earth than sitting on the ground with puppies jumping all over you then you are dead wrong. I was supposed to pick which one I wanted. How could you pick? I'd take them all if I could. But then there was this puppy, and she chose me, refused to leave my lap and honestly it was love on first sight. I knew we were meant to be.

We could pick her up about two weeks later and in that time we were in full preparation state. I doubt dad and I would go to such lengths for a baby as we did for that dog. Toys, collars, blankets, dog house. Even ''baby proofing'' the garden, garage and the house. The whole deal.

The most precious memory, the one I never will or say never want to forget, was the day we brought her home. Dad and I had our problems but he was a good man and he tried hard to make everything perfect that day because he knew how important this was for me. What a big deal it was. What a huge wish come true it was. He knew that in that moment, in that time, there was absolutely nothing on this planet that would make me happier then a dog would. I think he was proud of himself to be able to grant me that wish.

In case you don't know separating puppies from their mothers means they can howl and cry the first few nights. So my dad came to the brilliant idea, we're not going to take the dog in the house so we don't spoil her, we'll just sleep outside instead. Brilliant. He gets in the car and goes buy a tent and sleeping bags. Lets do full on camping on our backyard. This was actually my first time camping, and I might have imagined it to be somewhere more ''posh'' say on Rock am Ring or something along those lines, but to be fair I'd not change this experience for 1000 Rock am Rings even if I'd get to share a tent with Axl Rose himself.

You'd enjoy the comedy of two idiots building a tent way too much trust me. Said ''easy, fast'' build on the bag. Yeah…that never happened. Not the easy and not the fast part. We spent all damn day and quite some blood, sweat and tears to get it to stand. News flash, getting tangled up in tent fabric is not at all pleasant.

In the middle of that assembly we go to pick up our dog. I chewed my nails raw and bloody. Couldn't wait for it. Let me tell you something. If you think putting up a tent is hard, putting it up with a puppy tugging the tent and the construction of the tent and tripping over your feet…well that makes it completely impossible.

Hours later, a lot of nerves later, the thing was up. A huge nice thing. With three separate compartments.  So camping means grill as well. Eating outside. The entire thing. And do you know how sleeping with a puppy looks like? Outside? In a tent? With a brace and a leash on her and me (because she wouldn't stay still and we used to live near a very high traffic road). Woke up with her head on my cheek and drool pouring down my entire face on the blanket under us. And you know what? I wouldn't change the smallest detail.

Life was so simple back then. We were happy. Sure there were problems, there were arguments. Who doesn't have those? But nothing was like it is now. I don't know when things turned to so bad, to such a disaster. I can't imagine what I could have done to deserve all the developments that happened in my family in the past year. Maybe I wasn't enough, maybe I'm just a bad person. Maybe I am worthless and deserve all this. Maybe, maybe maybe.

Or maybe, it's not me, maybe it's them, maybe I'm a good person that had bad things happen to her. All the ''what if's'' all the ''whys'' all the bullshit is about to drive me half insane, but then I can't help but go over every single small detail in my head at night. What caused it, why, what could I do to prevent it? What could I do…

All I can honestly say is that, nobody ever hurt me as much as my own family hurt me. Nobody caused me that much pain and sorrow and heartache and tears as they did. Nobody ever treated me as badly as they did and believe me people treated me bad.

It's hard you know, family was always important to me. I used to say when I'm older I'm getting a ''family first'' tattoo, because in theory your family are the people you can go to when everything is wrong, to help you, to support you or to just make things bearable. And when all that falls apart, because there's something always more important, money, greed, possesions, it tears families apart. That hurts. The funny part is. I don't care about money, I'd give all the money on the planet, for just one moment with the ones I love and lost. But not everyone is like me. People would kill for less so why am I surprised? Why do I bother and care? Why can't I shut it all down and get some sleep at night?

The only thing I do know today, is that one of the most unhealthiest things I could possibly be doing is bow down, cave in, or worse fight for my family's approval. I will never be what they want, I will never be good enough and no matter what I do I will never make them hate me any less. All I would do is make myself even more miserable than I already am in the process. It's not worth it. Cutting out poisonous people in your life is the best thing for self growth you can do. You don't deserve all the pain, you don't deserve all the heartbreak and you don't deserve the hell people put your through for their own benefit and out of their own greed.

What I can do is learn to live independently. To learn to land on my own two feet no matter what life throws at me. To be strong. To be dependant just on myself and nobody else. It's a lonely life but to be fair better lonely than spend it with people who hate me, people who hurt me, people who do nothing but put me down, make me feel worthless, make me hate myself.

And to be fair, after everything, after so much pain, after so much grief, I deserve some love. I deserve to learn to love myself, to love my life, no matter how messy it may be. And if that doesn't work, then I deserve to have the chance to change what hurts, to cut people who hurt me out, to grow and change and just fucking try to be happy untill I actually am.

Avengers won in the end, they rebuilt and restored, Captain America despite all odds, despite living seventy years apart, he made it, him and Carter lived happily ever after. So why can't I?

''Well, I've had enough to drink and it's makin' me think that I just might tell you if I were a painter I wouldn't change ya, I'd just paint you bright baby, 'cause blue looks good on the sky, looks good on that neon buzzin' on the wall but darling, it don't match your eyes. I'm tellin' you, you don't need that guy, it's so black and white, he's stealin' your thunder, baby, blue ain't your color...''