2020, the year that had me wishing we had a storm warning.

I sat down to write up a sum of this year last week. Then decided against it. The year has been insane and god knows what could happen in yet another week of it. Well I was right, while I sit here trying to package a year of crazy into one post, my entire house is shaking. I was already rudely awakened two days ago by an earthquake much stronger than usual, lets face it, Balkans shake all the time, but it's minor 1 or 2 on the Richter scale, these quakes lately are bad, 5 and 6 on the scale. Though the center of these quakes have all been in Croatia, us living rather close to the border, it shook us quite badly. So all my Croatian readers, mainly in Petrinja, Zagreb, Sisak and surroundings, I hope you're staying safe. Reports from Croatia are pretty ugly and I honestly can't believe this keeps happening. 2020 you guys. The longest year of our lives. 2 more days of 2020 and honestly? An apocalypse wouldn't shock me at this point. 

What can we even say about this year? I can only talk for myself. It's been honestly one of the worst years of my life. It's funny that 2019 and 2018 were bad, I mean bad with a capital B, and I was so excited when 2019 ended, I literally celebrated 2019 ending, fully expecting that 2020 is going to be my year. The year I graduate, which now I obviously didn't and the year I finally see My Chemical Romance, whos concert I wished for so many years, and obviously now, I didn't. It was supposed to be the year when I finally return to my favourite place on earth after 11 years (Berlin) and again I didn't. And don't even get me started on all the things that didn't happen this year, all the cancelled concerts, all the events, all the day trips and getaways from this place…

Maybe one should focus on the positive, there haven't been too many but if 2020 taught us anything is that we should count our blessings. This year gave us two of what are easily amongst my favourite albums. One being Kip Moores ''Wild World'' and the other being Springsteens ''Letter to you''. Amazing works of art and already over played in my house if there is such a thing. Speaking of ''Wild world'' there's going to be a deluxe version with added songs like the new single ''Don't go changing'' and that's one thing I'm excited about in the next year. Not much to look forward or to be excited about but this is definatelly one of those things. (Anyone knows if there's a vinyl preorder of some sort for EU already? Also accepting late Xmas presents in the form of this preorder lol).  Another album worth mentioning because it's also amazing, the only issue is that I don't have it (yet) is David Garretts ''Alive – My soundtrack''. It came out a day after my birthday and it's a perfect album (tbh all of his albums are), first because his music taste is just so on point and all the songs chosen for this record are great songs that I also love, and second, his god given talent is just mindblowing. As is his face but lets not go there right now. Lol. Also All time low's ''Wake up, sunshine''? Omg! I love my boys so much and this album is just fantastic, songs ''Clumsy'', ''Monsters'' and ''Basement noise'' are literally on replay daily here.

I can also list my artistic growth as positive. I feel like spending more time inside, basically with nothing to do, running out of books to read and tv shows to watch, I found myself spending more time on each individual drawing and giving more thought into lines, shapes, mostly shading, really made me a better artist. Sure, nowhere near the epic realism that I wish to reach someday but still, little steps towards the right direction is what counts. Specially in a year when each little victory is a victory. 

You can check some of that art here.

Being stuck in my own country more or less forced me for a longer vacation at the seaside which is something I actually wished for for a while now but there was never the right time, and there was always ''so much world'' to see. IDK. What I learned during this pandemic is that despite living amongst idiots, and corrupted politicians (lets face it who doesn't have those?)  I live in a beautiful country that I give far too little credit to. There are few seaside locations that I love as much as our own. Okay…I admit I never been somewhere tropical, and I've never been in California (someday I hope) but as far as Europe goes, it does not get much better. 

As far as positive goes, there's been something I wanted for the longest time which finally came true this year. Venice. That was a very pleasant and unplanned surprise. I didn't plan it, nor even dared to dream about it because lets face it, my plans always go wrong in a normal setting, never mind the hell that is 2020. Venice is something I am most definatelly extremely thankful for. It was even more beautiful than I could ever imagine from pictures and I'm really happy I finally got to see it. Poveglia next? Lol. Lets pretend I am brave enough for that. What is actually next at some point is Verona and Pisa. Can y'all believe I've been all over Italy but not there? Shocking. Obviously I want one of those dumb pictures where you ''lean'' against the tower. 

The no concerts part though, that one will kill me. I mean we all know I love music, obvious from this blog. And festivals, concerts, music events literally are my entire life. I wrote about meaning of music, the ''safe happy place'' on other occassions but this year felt like the rug was pulled out from underneath me in many ways, what I miss most though is that free happy feeling only a concert can give you. A cold beer, couple of friends, concert lights, loud music, no worries. Sigh. I miss that SO BAD.  I shudder thinking how long the wait for that to be back to normal may be. Can't even believe that 2017 / 2018 new years, I was at an amazing concert, with friends and family. Now they are gone as well as the concerts. Sigh. Life is just brutal. And it did not take it easy on me in the past 3 years. 

All in all, people are going to start talking, bragging about their accomplishments in 2020, I just wanted to say, don't feel bad guys, I think surviving 2020 is your biggest accomplishment by far. This year has been 10 years long and all it did is left me mentally and emotionally exhausted. There is not much that I'd wish for more right now than a replay of a crazy new years party with too much vodka and bad tattoos in Berlin years ago but well…you take what you can get right? So it's just going to be me, alone on the couch in a pretty sparkly dress (too pretty to not be seen at a party) and large ammounts of ridiculously expensive champagne. Trying to do both, forget this year even happened and pray to all of the gods that 2021 is not perfect or hell even happy, I just wish for normal. I am not going to wish for impossible, I will just wish for some normality. Please, just…it's been too much of everything.

''Where are you going to be for new years?'' ''Drunk''.

Now to wrap up this post I'm sharing a paragraph from last years new years post. Excuse me while I cry laugh at it…

''Entering a new decade doesn't make me hopeful or energetic, or even positive and goal oriented. All it makes me is anxious. I'm scared of another shitty decade  like the past one was. In most cases it's true life is as you make it and the next decade will be as we make it but there are so many things that are out of our control that effect us directly. I'm going to focus on the good parts and enjoy them because they are rarer than unicorns. And I'm going to spend more time focusing on my art because that's probably the only thing I have left at this point. And of course channelling that one remaining positive cell in my body into a My Chem concert somewhere in Europe.''

Oh silly stupid girl and her dreams right guys? Now before I log off for the rest of the year, I know things are bleek, and there aint one hopeful or positive cell in my body left, but hell I wish you all peace, love and light in 2021. I wish you health and normailty, a life worth living not just surviving. I wish you things you wish, may be it be concerts like I do, may it be a new job,  or just a drink with your friends in a bar down town. I wish you anything and everything that makes you happy. Except you Donald Trump, you're (still) an asshole. I love y'all, here's to 2021, I may be scared shitless of the future but open for nice suprises. As we'd say in Finland may everyday be ''Olla hyvällä tuulella'' which translates to ''being on a good wind'' aka being in a good mood. Lets face it, good mood is all we need. 

Cheers! 

You told me to live wild because wild hearts can't be broken.

Do you know those ''five stages of grief'' thing? The whole denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance thing? I think that's bullshit as is because when did grief look like a neat stack of Legos? It's a rollercoaster of emotions, the big scary one with loops and deep falls, nothing neat and clean cut about it.But anyways, does anyone know what happens if you're stuck on one of those stages and don't really know how to move on? I always wondered if too much trauma, too much despair, loss, heartbreak, if that can damage you permanently. 

I think I never really moved from stage one. Denial. Always waiting for some sort of miracle. I mean, life is life, I don't live in an episode of Supernatural, but…I don't know. Sometimes it's just too hard. This year being as insane as it is, several ''crazy events'' later I found myself texting a certain cell number and all but getting upset over the fact that there's no reply. Of course, how could there be? The person on the other end has been gone for years. It took me a while to realise, and when I did, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know how I could just ''forget''. How does one ''forget''? You probably don't, you just end up missing someone so much that you're hoping for a miracle, for a reply, for something….

I get so angry when people say ''time heals all wounds'' no it doesn't. Time only makes things easier to live with. But it does not heal. It still hurts, it still opens and bleeds from time to time. All time does is make you tougher, and teaches you how to cope better. And I hate the ''things will get better, easier'', they really won't. Things are only getting harder. It's not easier, life goes on, you cross so many milestones, you have things happen to you, you live through somethings as fucked up as 2020 and you don't have the one person (or the few) you really want to share this with. The people who's advice, a hug, love, laughter, you're craving most. Fuck, it does not get easier. 

Maybe I'm also stuck on the angry part. Angry over the things that happened, angry at the people I blame, regardless if they're guilty or not, humans work this way, we need something / someone to blame. Angry at myself for not doing something to fix things, to I don't know prevent things, even if they were out of my control. Angry at whoever and whatever I can be because I will never be at the acceptance step. I don't think you can ever accept losing something / someone you loved. How can you accept that? There's always going to be a hole in your heart where they'd be. How can you accept that? How can you be okay with that?! 

There's always going to be things you'll wanna tell them, things you'll need advice on, their favourite band will release new music and you'll cry all day because you know they'd love it but they're not here to enjoy it. There's always going to be particularly hard days, days when all you'd need is a hug and that's impossible. There's always going to be long nights, 3 am, unreplied messages and phone calls that remain unanswered. There's days when you sit down at the bar (what is a bar again anyway?) and you order two drinks because well…I don't really know why. Because the pain is just unbearable. Because you're sick of being alone? Because you magically hope the other person will show up? 

I don't really know what triggers these feelings, why sometimes it's okay, or at least bearable and sometimes things just spiral out of control. Maybe a song, maybe something, something that triggers the sadness. I was staring at a broken (and pretty badly glued back together) ceramic pumpkin, you know the one you put a little candle inside? Anyways, probably the memory of how it got swept of my desk and smashed into a hundred pieces is what triggered the sadness. No it's not a sexy memory, the desk was swept during a really heated argument, and yes I kept the pieces and put the thing back together, ironically it felt like putting my heart back together. It's not the same, it's not healed, it's just ''functional''

Maybe regret triggers these feelings, when you're younger you never think of certain people not being in your life no more. You think you have ''forever''. You don't think of an ''ending''. I guess the older you get the more you realise just how fragile life really is. Or maybe how fragile happiness is. 

I can't actually explain to people why walking down the isle of a supermarket, passing toys and seeing little plastic animals, like horses and such is making me want to cry. It's both ridiculous and completely sane. Maybe that's the balance of getting over something, sanity and insanity and you're somewhere in between. Actually come to think of it, that's probably how the whole world works, hanging in the ballance in between , but lately the scale shifted a bit more into the insanity. Mine did at least. 

I'd like to give you some closure, some comfort, say everything will be okay in the end, but I never believed that myself. All I can tell you is that things get easier, you learn to live with the pain, you learn how to push it aside, but it will always be there reminding you what you loved and lost, though hey, maybe that's okay after all, forgetting everything even the good, that seems worse than the pain.

''And when the lights all went out we watched our lives on the screen, I hate the ending myself  but it started with an alright scene.''

Wasted & wounded

That's how I feel these days wasted and wounded. More wounded than wasted actually. Wounded in a mental state kinda way.  There's only so much one can do to keep busy, distracted and well trying their best not to go crazy in the current state of the world. How's that working for you guys? I gotta admit my facade of sanity is slowly (or actually quickly) crumbling. As we head into yet another (big shocker huh?) week of lockdown, I'm finding it hard not to go absolutely bat shit crazy.

So while I sit here and contemplate life, begging the man upstairs and the man downstairs to let us travel again soon, here's some fun facts about another European country I absolutely love. Here's the deal, Berlin is it for me. No place cooler than Berlin. Also as a country, Italy. Aint nothing better than Italy. If you got the money, if you got the chance to go to Italy and you don't, you're just plain crazy. Italy is as close to heaven as there is on earth. BUT! Another country (and the first one I'm bolting to as soon as lockdowns and all the other bullshit are over) I love, is Finland. There aint nothing quite like Finland either. See Italy is perfect in their ocean, beaches, architecture, culture, history, food, Italians, climate, lakes, nature,…but Finland. God Finland.

Did you know that Finland has the most heavy metal bands in the world? Like when you think of music, I guess we all think of USA and UK first, which is insane because music as such is so much better in Scandinavia. There are literally more than 50 metal bands for every 100 000 people in Finland. Consider that there are about 5 540 000 people living in Finland, now imagine all the bands. Wild. Another thing that one should consider is that Finland is said to be the worlds happiest country. Obviously I need to move asap. Lacking happiness as I am, maybe the happiest country in the world can fix me. A little. Or a lot. The happiness factor depends on life expectancy, freedom of making life choices (all the big ones), economic strength, FREE education even on university level, no corruption, health care taken care of, and most likely just generally them being different more open minded people. Honestly if there's one thing I just can't take is conservative, dumb, hateful people.

Another fun fact which paints you a vivid picture why Finland is literally the country for me is the fact that Finns are the world's biggest coffee drinkers. Which surprised me and also is that a challenge? Because these days I swear I only run on coffee and fake promises of a better time, which means I am literally increasing the average liters of coffee consumed of my entire country. I actually assumed that if not the world, than Europe, biggest drinkers of coffee would be the French or Italians, but no, there go the Finns, probably staying awake all nights, writing metal songs or getting lost in the woods. So in translation that means 12 kg of coffee per person per year. And yet here I am, being called crazy for drinking five plus cups of coffee per day.

Here is another thing that I just LOVE about Finish people. You know me, in some ways this corona crap is actually a gift from god for me, I am enjoying the social distance and people not breathing down my neck in supermarkets…here's the deal, in Finland saying a quick hello and moving on your way when meeting an acquaintance is perfectly okay. Nobody is pushy, nobody is stopping you for a (mostly unwanted) snoopy conversation. I hate that so much here, always the same ''How's work? When are you getting married? How about children? Did you lose weight?'' blah blah blah. It's rude and none of anyone's business. This is probably why Finns are dealing with corona better because they naturally keep their distance from people in public areas. Can I like say god bless them? I mean is there anything more annoying than people literally brushing against you when there's literally meters of space all around that can be used? Ugh. Respect my personal space why don't you?

How about a couple of totally legit sports that exist in Finland? Not joking even a little bit these are real; wife carrying championship, mosquito hunting competition, mobile phone throwing, swamp football, air guitar. It makes me laugh just thinking about it. Like how cool is this? I don't like sports at all but this…this is just badass. Sports I could find myself enjoying besides ''catching guitar picks at concerts''. Fun fact, do you know what's the first prize for the winner of the wife carrying championship? The wife's weight in beer. Lol.

How about them Northern lights? Is there anything, anything more beautiful than them? I mean yeah truth that during winter there are weeks where the sun just doesn't rise and me being me loving the sun, a southern girl, that's rough, but isn't there something so comforting about the dark? And then those beautiful lights that light up the dark sky. Amazing. Opposite to dark days you also got days during the summer when the sun never sets, also called ''midnight sun'' (I see what you did here Meyer) which to me is far worse than dark days. I mean how do you function, how does your brain function when it's midnight and it's bright as day? Crazy.

All my feministic readers you'll dig this ''Finland is the most gender equal country in the world'' or one of at least. Okay, today that might not mean that much, we like to think that Europe is changing and women have more equal rights etc…BUT Finland was actually the first country in the world that gave women the right to vote. Today living in this privilege of never not having a voting right, we don't even see it as a big deal, but they gave women the right to vote in 1906 and that is definatelly a big deal.

But alright lets get back to music, which is after all the point of this post. Heavy metal actually has cultural significance in Finland. If you think about it, metal as a genre of music is completely misunderstood all over the world. People tend to have snarky comments, look down on metal heads, call them names, call the music ''noise'' etc. That's different in Finland. It's actually one of the most popular types of music and it's played on mainstream radio stations. Here we are force fed Pink, Beyonce, Miley Cyrus, Justin Beaver and the closest to metal we get is Bon Jovi's Bed of roses, not even joking. Cute story the cultural significance of heavy metal in Finland was also noted and pointed out by the US president Barack Obama (don't you dare correct me, I don't count psychopatic clowns as presidents) back in 2016 at the Nordic Summit. Take that haters. And my neighbors, and actually parents, and just about everyone that ever sat in my car with me. Sigh.

Surely one of the most significant names of Finish metal we all know are ''Lordi''. They literally made history when winning the Eurovision song contest in May 2006. It doesn't even matter if you watch the event of how you feel about it, the point is that they were both the first Finish band to win and the first hard rock / heavy metal band to win. That was a breath of fresh air that hasn't repeated yet. It drives me nuts, metal and hard rock being over looked like it is, the Grammys? All the dumb looking for talent shows? Why does a pop star / Bieber wannabe / always win? I mean I know why, but WHY? What's funny here though is that Lordi gained some controversy because people interpreted their music as encouraging Satanism. Lol. Someone from here had to do it I'm sure. In fact it's funny because one of their members is actually a very ''up tight'' Christian (why do I hear Ivar Lothbrok spitting ''Christian'' in my head just now?) who writes church music and their song ''The devil is a loser'' is actually against Satanism. Kinda like that bitching over Motley Crue's ''Shout at the devil'' I imagine at the end of album promo Nikki's eyes were permanently stuck in his skull from rolling them at just about every reporter ''listen it's shouting AT the devil NOT with the devil''.

Some other bands that are from Finland that you just have to check out (but probably already know) are; Amorphis, Children of Bodom, Nightwish, Apocalyptica, HIM (obviously one of my fave though no longer together, also first Finnish band to release an album that becomes golden in US), The 69 eyes, Los Bastardos Finlandeses (my fave name haha), and a ton more, though I tend to be more into less known bands. Smaller bands which are every bit as good.

Which brings us to the (long awaited) point of this post. Weekend music recommendation. 

A band from Finland named after a city in California with the prettiest beaches. Santa Cruz. This ''self titled'' album isn't the first one btw, first one was ''Anthems for the Young 'n Restless'' EP with 6 songs back in 2011, then ''Screaming for Adrenaline'' in 2013, after which ''self titled'' came out in 2015, followed by two more albums. My favourite ''Bad blood rising'' in 2017 and ''Katharsis'' in 2019, more on those on another occassion.

This is a solid hard rock band that formed in 2007 inspired by all of the best bands out there, you know GN'R, Skid Row, Def Leppard, Van Halen,…a band which in 2012 landed a worldwide record deal with Spinefarm records. The same Spinefarm that has Airbourne, Anti flag, Black label society, and Rammstein. Though they're not their artist anymore, this I think is still pretty impressive as was their stage pressence at the time. A year later the band signed with TKO agency which gave them the chance of touring in the UK, Germany and Belgium and they got to tour with Skid Row. Oh my god! You guys! Can you imagine growing up with the posters of your heroes on your walls and then you're suddenly one of them, supporting one of the biggest bands on tour. They opened for a lot of other impressive names such as Sebastian Bach, Lemmy and Bon Jovi. Though since then the band went through several lineup changes I can't lie and say that I prefer anyone over the original one (I'm sorry Pav, I love you).

Alright the record starts with ''Bonafide Heroes'' which is one of the coolest album openings in general. It captures that raw early Skid Row sound, the ''youth gone wild'', the rebellion, the anger. I'm always a fan of songs that start slowly and gently then suddenly deliever a punch, even if this kinda ''punch'' might make you throw your car off the road if you listen to it in the car. Hey! Maybe this wanna be safety is why our mainstream radios only play easy rock and pop. The soft subtle choir type begining and the sudden kick into a furious ''noise'' is exactly what makes this a kickass opening. Imagine not knowing a band and this is the first album you get, first impression? Uh I think fuck yes!

Second song ''Velvet Rope'' continiues with the same angry energy and guitars that litreally melt your face off. What's so unique for me in this band is the incredible gift in the guitar playing area. We're so lacking that lately. More bands that sound (and look) like this. There wouldn't be a happier person than me out there if the 80's as they were came back. Men in tight jeans, leather pants, big hair, hair and glam metal. I'd sell my soul to the devil to see that.

Song three is my favourite on this album ''My Remedy''. I love the line ''I need to flee baby set me free''. I guess we all feel that way sometimes, now more than ever. It's actually the lyrics to this entire song that I love (check it out here click me ). This is like a total stadium anthem kinda song for me, warm summer night, drink in one hand, and the crowd singing this chorus back to the band. Yeah, not that I'll see this scenario any time soon. But this is how it feels, that hair raising moment. I mean I love everything about concerts but you gotta admit there aint nothing like the singer going quiet and the crowd picking up the song. It's amazing. Y'all seen the video for ''My Remedy''? Lol I love it.  All the hair! Also how cute is that priest? Lol.

''6 (66) feet under''. Also the number of feet down I'd like to bury certain people. Do you know I had the number 666 on my old car? Like metalic numbers stuck on the back of the trunk. I miss that car all the time tbh. The song! I love it so much the vibe, the lyrics, the melody, another stadium anthem right there. It's an addictive song and honey I'm on a diet of opiates. No joke. I love this song so much. The drums in it? Bitchin! And that guitar solo? Makes your underwear wet not to be explicit but really, it does. So do the vocals tbh. Man, Archie Cruz can sing.

''Bye Bye Babylon'' that line ''I will paint your fantasies to memories'' please do, anytime, anyday, I'm game. This song is less angry but perfect non the less. As the rest it has great lyrics and just perfect guitars and drums and bass and vocals, obviously all of it is perfect. Those high notes too? My god.

''We are the ones to fall'' follows, probably a more known song, amongst fans anyways. And that ''bloody'' video. Brilliant song. Straight from the get go the scream of ''we are the ones to fall'' the hair flipping the whole setting of the song. Hits just right. I'd literally write more about how great this song is but here I am stuck on the music video repeating for the third time because all that pretty hair, even if they end up beating each other up. I mean, I guess all bands have disagreements sometimes….

''Wasted & wounded''  with a music video made in Tavastia in Helsinki. Tavastia is only the coolest rock music club in Helsinki. Or one of the coolest in Europe tbh. I mean it's not a huge concert hall or anything it's a club for what less than 1000 people but guys it has it's charm. In the 70's the club was rented for weekly jazz, rock and disco gigs. And later in the 80's when it got it's legendary status as a rock club (basically the Viper room) there's been bands such as Dead Kennedys, Nick Cave and Hanoi Rocks. It is also one of the oldest European rock music clubs that are still in use. Right point here, Wasted and wounded is a dope song regardless of where the music video was made.

As it goes on with the ''Let them burn'' which has a live music video which gives you a glimpse of the bands great pressence on stage, nevermind who they want to burn. Lol. Song that follows the vibe of the album, the rest of the songs, angry, rebellious, passionate, perfect. Y'all caught that adorable Archies laughter in this song? At this point my sister would be like ''you have a thing about their singer don't you?''. Not at all. Lol. Not even my type. Lol.

''Vagabonds (sing with me)'' can you say no when they ask so nicely? It's a song that definatelly brings fans together. The ''fireeeee''? I died okay. I just love his voice so much. Another fast paced and loud song. Another one that's obviously pure perfection.

The album closes with ''Can you feel the rain'' which actually starts with sound effects of rain, storm, etc. Very ''Riders on the storm'' by the Doors. Who may as well be another influence for this band. If the rest of the album is angry and fast paced this is calm and gentle, while still a rock song. It's more…curious, soft. It picks up a bit towards the end with the just right ammount of power. Beautiful. I'd love a music video of the band playing it the rain, actually I'd like to be stuck in the rain with the singer. No, I don't have a thing for him at all.

You know what? Actually fuck everything I just said, this album is perfect from the first second to the last. Everything fits, the guitars, the drums, the bass lines and those angelic vocals. Their influences shine through so well, you can hear all those bands in their music, but still this fresh sound for newer generations to love and appreciate. And most definatelly they're a band whos sound is something we need more of. Whatever the future holds for the band as a band and individual members, I'm sure it's nothing but bright. With their talent and their sound? Stadiums and number ones no doubt.

I loved you before I knew you.

I feel like I'm stuck somewhere between Journeys ''Don't stop believin' '' and Poisons ''Fallen angel''. Somewhere between always and never. Somewhere between being made and unmade. Somewhere between crazy and sane, walking on the line, the wire, the edge, always somewhere between safe and falling. Sounds crazy I know but also the world in 2020 is beyond crazy as well are these feelings and emotions that I'm trying to describe. 

I've been sitting here going through some of the pictures from Rome from last September, some of it is that they have never been properly edited (during the process I discovered how many pictures are just fucking fantastic, yay me), some of it because I feel nauseated that's how badly I miss traveling and getting away from here for even just a quick weekend. The other day I'm staring at this meme online saying ''if you're seeing Dover cliffs then you're really missing traveling''. Couldn't figure out what's the issue. Not that I'd be travel sick for Dover or anything…turns out the picture wasn't cliffs and ocean at all but a slice of blueberry pie. Should we continiue with how I walk through town the other day, hear this super loud noise sounding to me just like a Boeing jet engine, turns out it was just obnoxiously loud pigeons. Or how I in a field of corn and a tractor or combain or whatever the hell else that contraption is, I see a concert crowd and a stage. Seriously. I feel like my brain is turning into jello. 

If someone told me in Rome this is basically what 2020 is going to be like. I'd laugh in their face. Well turns out the joke is no longer funny. The whole ''what's next 2020? Aliens? Exploding snow?'' is no longer funny. I swear a space ship on my backyard wouldn't surprise me no more, I'd probably walk out and offer them some sweet tea, or actually Old nr. 7. Just being here must mean they're having a bad day. 

So here we are lockdown week number…I don't know. Lost all track of time, as I said as far as I'm concerned it's still March. Can you believe that it's going to be March again in a bit more than 3 months? Fuck no. I feel like I'm writing a daily log, alone on a forgotten space shuttle for future generations to go through at some point. ''Day 82, still no signs of inteligent life, temparature fine, food sources running low, oxygene levels critical''. Don't ask me what happens after. Been living in a state of emergency, for far too long to even react at this point. In another attempt to keep busy I read another book on my ''to be read list''. Curse is though that I read way too fast and this one with half pages and doodles in between on pages (which I LOVED and made me laugh because it would be a book for my boyfriend. I always tease him that god forbid him picking up a book that has NO pictures in it) this book took me couple hours and it was finished.

( Nicola Yoon / Everything, everything / fiction, young adult, romance, mentions of sickness)

Before we continiue I've been informed that I should warn ahead that these posts contain spoilers. Sigh. I wasn't supposed to call people stupid but seriously, what else did you expect in a BOOK REVIEW post? Of course there will be spoilers, especially if I loved / hated the ending. So fair warning this post WILL contain spoilers. Major ones.

I am not one of those people who keep Salinger, Fitzgerald, Wilde, etc on their coffee table in order to seem smart to people that may visit. Mostly because I actually do read all those authors, and am actually enjoying re reading Hemingway and Poe at least once a year. But also because I tend to read light material, easy going books, and quite a lot of them. Books with cutsey romances and teen problems that can't possibly be solved yet are something we all wish we had because to the real world they just seem proposterous. I can hardly even remember at this point being 17 and my only issue a boy not returning my phone call. Yes children I am in fact that old that my friends and I would call the landline of our crush and hang up, (not stalk on facebook), and not even know why we did that. Seemed like a standard having a crush thing to do. It's ridiculous but I guess no less than a conversation between two teens I overheard in a store before this hell started, talking about breaking up because their boyfriend didn't like their last Facebook or Instagram photo. Sigh. To be young and ''likes'' are your only problem.

Point here is, this is one of those easy going books that just happens to be my fave. I love love love it so much. Though again, it says right there on the cover; ''Read it before you see the film'', did I obey? No I did not. Problem is that getting books on our end of the world is so hard and as soon as I heard that leading role went to Nick Robinson all rules were out the window. Can I just say that with longer hair and all in black in this movie he's just too cute? 

Oh one more question before we get on with the book, do you prefer original covers or movie cover? I suppose you figured it out from the picture which I prefer. I think original as it should be is in fact better, though movie cover, if the movie is good is great as well. Solution? I guess I'll start buying two of each if a movie was made. Wishful thinking, getting one is a miracle. And also just realised, I have about the same number of movie cover books as I do originals. 

Another spoiler alert; ''Love is worth everything, everything.''

The story of this book follows an 18 year old girl, Madeline Whittier, who is being treated by her mother for a sickness called SCID (severe combined immunodeficiency). You will understand her struggles, at least one % of it after this year. Having SCID means Madeline is not allowed to leave her house, interact with anyone or touch anything that wasn't properly sanitized. Deja vu huh? I don't know how she, and anyone else in the real world with this lives. I mean, here we are on lockdown which still allows a bit of contact and a bit of fresh air, for a year, and I feel like going insane. Living like that forever? My god. 

So Madeline's life consists of her mother, a nurse and the books she reads to find comfort in and an escape. Don't I feel just the same. Actually, isn't that the reason we the book lovers love to read? That escape? Living as little time as possible in the real world, and spend our free time in some fantasy instead. Madeline's father and brother died when she was little, she doesn't remember them at all, and losing basically all the family naturally means her mother is that much more over protective over her. As the story progresses a family moves to the house next door, leaving Madeline to watch them from the window, she soon befriends the boy next door (boy next door, girl next door, somewhere between completely cliche and porno movie don't you think?) and starts messaging him online, while observing their lives, noticing that the boys ''Olly'' father is an abusive asshole. Haven't we heard that one a million times before. 

Madeline's nurse Carla feels bad for the ''jail life'' Maddy lives so one day she sneaks Olly (don't worry he was properly decontaminated before) into their house so they can meet for the first time. Guess we can imagine how that feels like, when you talk to someone for so long and then meet. It's like meeting them for the first time all together isn't it? I mean pictures and words on a computer are something completely different than an actual person in front of you. The little things matter most, things you can't pick up on online. Like what makes them smile, how they tuck their hair behind their ear, off their face, biting their lips when nervous, emotions on their faces…that sorta thing. All lost on online talking. It's a shame isn't it? 

One meeting turned into several, then strong friendship, then friendship into emotions, which led to Maddy running outside of her house during a particularly bad and abusive incident between Olly and his dad. Love means risking everything doesn't it? Love means doing things despite being afraid. Love means looking after someone else before you look after yourself, because you care about that person more than you do about you. Maddy's mother found out of course, which led her to forbid her seeing him again and firing Carla. Can you believe such parents? Specially when you're already of legal age? I mean I get it, parents know best and all that (or they should), but, what if they don't? What if their doing what's best, and wanting what's best just leads to permanent damage done to their children? In normal boundaries I believe children should be allowed to make their own mistakes, learn from their own poor choices. It makes me sick thinking how there's no trust in a family because kids feel like they can't share anything with their parents. Ridiculous. Yes parents aren't best friends but a friendly relationship with trust and love is far better than a silent, abusive one. 

Despite the restriction, Maddy and Olly continiue talking and while Maddy's mother shows her a family picture of a vacation in Hawaii when Maddy was just one month old it influences her to risk everything, even her life and go to Hawaii with Olly. He disagrees, you know how it goes, over protective boyfriends, got one of those and I know just how difficult it can be, although cute and reasuring, knowing someone also cares about you as much as you care about them. Either way Maddy convinces Olly with a lie, saying she's testing out some new medicine that will keep her from getting sick. Anyone knows if anything of the sort exists? It's really eating at me thinking how these people with this sickness live. I wish there was something more for them too. 

Hawaii, Hawaii, Hawaii. Have I ever mentioned I'd like to go too? Someday. Maybe another cliche to try out ''honeymoon in Hawaii''. I love the ocean and that clear blue crystal ocean? Amazing. Maybe not exactly run away to Hawaii like they did hah, but then again who doesn't love a good adventure. So! They land in Maui (paint me jealous), check into their hotel, do some shopping for souvenirs, eat tropical food, do snorkeling, cliff diving etc…annnnnd? Nothing happens. Nothing at all. At this point I started suspecting all kinds of scenarios why Maddy's sickness is faux. I mean, I only got mild allergies and exposing myself to the smallest ammounts of what I'm allergic to? All hell breaks lose. To think she's basically allergic to the world and no reaction? Seems surreal. That night the kids confess their love for eachother (I wish us older idiots would be just as honest and real with eachother) and end up in bed together. Don't worry parents, you can freely let your kids read the book, no graphic scenes here, it's really PG 13. Actually come to think of it, thirteen yearolds are more experienced in the matter than we are these days. Have y'all read any fanfic written by them? Damn! 

Hell breaks lose a bit later when Madeline wakes up in the middle of the night in a lot of pain and is rushed to the hospital. Her heart stops but no worries, she comes back, I'd not be praising this book if she'd die. I'd burn it. I hate, hate, hate (with a few exceptions god damn John Green) sad books. Her mother shows up, brings her back home and puts her on house arrest. Joy. She has so little in her life and let's take that little from her too. Evil. At least Carla comes back to take care of her. In the process of all this Maddy stops mailing Olly, she doesn't want any contact because suddenly just this online contact, just talking, isn't enough no more and she doesn't want to miss him, or miss the world. I mean of course it's not enough, and of course you don't want to miss him, but, does cutting something / someone off, make you miss them less? I mean you're not going to cut them out of your mind, out of your heart. It's not going to hurt any less. Could it be that ignorance actually makes things harder? You know that ''distance makes the heart grow fonder''? I don't know…not having something / someone in my life, never made me miss it / them less. Just made things hella worse.

A month later, Olly, his mother and his sister move out in order to escape the abusive asshole. Huge highlight of the book for me. I mean utter hell that he leaves all but in the middle of the night with no real goodbye but also good for them for cutting that toxic life out. Some time later though, exactly what I suspected will happen, happens. Madeline receives an email from a doctor that treated her  in Hawaii. The doctor claims that the ''allergic reaction'' was actually a viral infection and none of the test results showed that she has SCID *gasp*. We all saw this one comming didn't we? Over protective mother that's a doctor, that lost pretty much her entire family, Maddy running around on Hawaii and not getting immediatelly sick when taking one breath of fresh air…

So Madeline confronts her mother who of course in turn defendes herself that this is a rare condition that most doctors don't understand and that she only got her hopes up. Sure. Okay. Thankfully Maddy is not that easily convinced and ends up going through her mothers old files and records where she finds just about everything but any test results that would confirm her sickness. What she does find though is that after her brother and father died when she was 6 months old, with repeated normal sicknesses all babies go trough,  her mother became obsessed with keeping her safe and just decided that she has SCID. Like, jesus christ, can you imagine that? Your whole life being a lie like this? And I mean one thing is a lie like Santa is real, but a lie that keeps you confined to your house like a prisoner for no reason? The lonliness. The missing of all normal life experiences. I can't even begin to imagine such a life. I felt such anger in that moment. Anger for Maddy. Anger because people just think they can take your life in their hands and decide what's best for you, even if parents. 

So with Carlas (who always suspected something was wrong, though didn't act on it why? I mean I get it, if Carla would act there would be no story, but still…) help, Maddy finds a new doctor who helps her entering the outside world, slowly and carefully. After being locked up for so long under such strict rules, drowning in fumes of rubbing alcohol and chlorine and sanitision, despite not being sick with SCID, her immune system is compromised. Kids get sick, grow their immune system so it knows how to battle infections should they attack them again, hers never did. So in the following weeks Maddy books a flight to New York (not running away this time) to see Olly. Which brings us to the ending of the book which I just love. I would of hated it if it ended with the she's not really sick and he left his abusive dad. Okay it would be a happy end in a way but it would be…unfinished. 

The thing about Maddy was that due to her faux illness all her books were brand new, sealed in plastic bags when they arrived. She would write her name on the first page, and where to return them should they ever get lost. Kinda silly, given the fact that she never went anywhere or have someone borrow them, but that silliness made the character that much more lovable. Either way along the ''who to return to'' she'd write the reward/s the finder would get should they find a book. Those were just as cute and silly as the whole thought is. Rewards were anything from snorkeling with Maddy to just simply Maddy. Why am I telling you this now when we're at the end? Because her favourite book is the Little prince. In the end she texts Olly that she's leaving him a gift in a local bookshop and that he'll know when he sees it. When he walks in, she's hiding behind another aisle, watching as he picks up her copy of Little prince for which the reward if found is in fact Maddy and just as he reads that she walks out to surprise him. Oh my god. Can my heart explode into rainbows, cupcakes, unicorns and glitter? The restarted romance is implied leaving us to decide the ending on our own. Beautiful. This is just the kind of cutsey, sweet, easy, perfect kinda romance I need in my life as a break from my life and a break from tougher reads. 

What are some of the highlights of the book  for me is that Maddy and Olly's relationship is just simply adorable. You know all the butterflies, and the whole standing a few feet away from someone you like / love making the hairs on your arms stand. It's a bit nostalgic isn't it? First love kinda nostalgic. 

It's not at all heavy or sensationalized. God the young adult genre these days. Drugs, accidental deaths, abuse, sadness, depression, angst. Hell. Stop it. I find it sad when people say that lighter material with a cute romance just doesn't pull them in no more because it's not heavy enough. Come on. Really? There is nothing boring about love and happiness. The whole point of reading besides education is escape. You want to be lost and consumed in someone else's world. May it be a magical or mundane one point is it's an escape from your own life so why the fuck would you want that get away to be dark and depressive. This is just the right ammount of love, and cuteness and adventure to make a great novel. 

Love is worth everything, everything right?

We had the stars, you and I.

I hate the holidays. I hate December. I hate the ''holiday cheer''. You're gonna hear me repeat this several times this month (and every following December while this blog lasts) no doubt. But I have a question for all y'all actually excited each year when December comes around. Does it even feel like the holidays this year? Do you feel any joy or cheer or happiness? Honest question, because minus the cold and christmas trees everywhere, as far as I'm concerned it could still be March. Like I don't even know. Another week of lockdown, lost count which by now has passed and another one upon us. It's not even funny no more. I mean it never was funny, but you know what I mean. Running out of books, drawings, movies and ways to rearrange my closet (and my life) at this point. Anyone else going crazy? I would just about commit murder for a normal cup of coffee or a glass of cold beer in my fave bar and a shopping spree where you get to try on clothes and be silly with your best friends (though, what are those?). Lets not even get into events. I have never in my life went this long without concerts. Ever. It's pure torture. I can't even look at live videos of my fave bands no more because I feel like I'll start ripping my hair out, and sobbing, and screaming, and fainting, maybe not in this order.

In another attempt to distract myself I went into the huge back log of the books I have to read. So so SO many of them. Decided to start with this one. ''Call me by your name''. So turns out I'm not exactly running out of books, I just have a hard time comitting to new stories and rather re - read old ones. Comfort characters and all that...

( André Aciman / Call me by your name / fiction, love, LGBT )

Somewhere in Northern Italy...

The book actually came out in 2007 but in this backwards country it only surfaced now when a part two was written last year and a movie was made. Story is a gay romance and jesus christ thank god because I am so sick of sappy straight people. Really. The book centers on a blossoming romantic relationship between a 17 year old American Italian Elio and a visiting 24 year old American scholar Oliver, sometime in the 1980's Italy. As if the gay love isn't what's perfect, you got the 80's and you got Italy. I love Italy. Fucking hell I MISS Italy. I am telling you I am in my own personal hell. No quick trips and getaways, no Milano. No seaside. At this point I'm wondering what would speed this dying bit by bit a little, because. Torture. And I'm off topic. Again. So the novel chronicles a summer romance. Ever had one of those? No regrets, no strings attached. I wish. I doubt it's possible. People always catch feelings somehow and someone ends up hurt. Yes, personal experience talking. Or better personal regrets talking.

You know what's funny? Elio's mother calls Oliver, the perfect, tan, blonde American ''che muvi star''. I have a blonde friend I jokingly call ''movie star'' as well. He reminds me of a young Brad Pitt, with the long blond hair and pretty crystal blue eyes. Sigh. Brad is like the embodiment of a movie star to me. If you say actor I'll just instantly think of him, well him and Armie Hammer, that gorgeous perfect Hollywood good looks. And Johnny Depp but that's besides the point. If I think of Johnny these days I'll just get angry and start ranting about the huge injustice he's suffering. 

So the book is a story about Oliver and Elio. Elio's parents take a student as a house guest each summer for about six weeks, to help his father with his academic paperwork and revising a book manuscript, which Elio is not too fond of because it only means he has to give up his bedroom for the time being. Now when Oliver shows up as their summer guest he is a stark contrast to Elio who is a complete introvert. Just like me. But he's also smart, nervous, naiive and bold.  And Oliver, carfree and fun. Lives life loud and wild and free. I could use a better half like that to balance me out. Must be nice being like that instead of driving yourself crazy over every little thing. I envy those people really. I also envy Elio's parents for that summer cliffside Italian villa. Italy. Villa. Ocean. I'd give anything for that. Cute story movie version of the villa went for sale some time back for about one million euros. Or maybe some more, not sure. But honey, I'd sell my whole family for that house. Just sayin.

The book is hot. Don't get me wrong. Hot. A coming out story. A story of desire, a love letter. It's a story about love obviously but also adolescent sexual awakening. Things start slow, the boys develop an unlikely friendship, grow apart then come back together, which soon develops into a love affair. I think the love affair just sounds better and more intense and more passionate because of the Italian backdrop. Trust me everything is just better in Italy. The sun. The ocean. The booze (nobody does Aperol like Italians), the food, god the food. And just Italy. The charming, hot, beautiful Italy, with it's nice people, with it's cusine, with it's art history and culture, with it's gorgeous landscapes. God I love it. I love everything about it. There aint no place on this planet like Italy.

As the summer goes on the relationship between Elio and Oliver intensifies. I mean I guess I knew it's a summer romance when I started reading, and I guess I knew it can't possibly end up happily as in the boys riding into the sunset together. Wouldn't that be nice? I guess despite saying earlier I'm fed up with straight sappy love stories I'm still a sucker for happy endings. This year has been a different kind of hell and I could use some sugar in a book world one can so easily get lost in. What I'd say is that it's a bit of a heartbreaker. Well…not exactly an axe to the heart because let's be serious, we all had our hearts broken at some point or another, so this is more of a nail to the heart, or a ship spike. You know those long ancient thick iron spikes? Yeah those. So I guess no more damage can be done. Not really anyways.

I think this book is a testament to what literature at it's finest can do to a reader. The sheer emotional power of the words you're reading. Of the story you're following. There's also relatability with Elio who's telling the story in first person. His thoughts, his fantasies, his worries, doubts, fears. I can't help but think if I were to write such a book and talk about my fantasies, fears and thoughts. Jesus that shit would be illegal in every country and state. Elio imagines before the romance what he would possibly say to Oliver, how he may react, a dozen and one scenario. Yeah that I can relate to, it's a sure fact that things that have little chance of even happening will be running around my mind driving me all kinds of crazy for no reason but the fact that I'm an anxious idiot, who doesn't know how to shut her own mind off. 

I read a comment in which someone said that this book might resound better with people who understand suffering. People who experienced more in life. More as in not necessarily good. And I have to say I agree. I can't imagine the insights and the brilliance of this book working wonders on people that just don't get it. I mean that could be said for any book but in this particular story I meant people that just don't get IT. People who never experienced that kinda passion, pull towards something, people who never risked everything and just lay down their cards, bared their souls, said this is who I am, take it or leave it, I'm yours. Am I making sense anymore?  I don't know maybe the intense emotions, the intense ending, is starting to mess with me. Maybe I'm just dying to feel that, or just anything again. 

''We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything. What a waste.'' 

Brilliant isn't it? And it hits just right. There's a lot of mixed opinions on the book. On the sexual contents, on some questionable explorations of one's body. People saying that if you find their relationship one of love, you've never loved before and if you think that this is a book about loss, you've never lost anything that truly matters to you. I can say I did both and I can still argue these points. Those feelings between them, the passion, exploration with someone you trust, that's what love should be about isn't it? And the loss…it's not just a summer romance that's lost after he leaves, it's the whole lot of ''what if's''. Like, but what if he'd stay. There were also issues with intimacy parts in the book. Them not knowing eachother too well. But what's the problem there? I have a feeling that's coming from people who never experienced just that. Intimacy and passion with a stranger. Like it can't be done. Come on, I think as a society we've progressed enough not to throw dirty glances at one night stands? Wrap it before you tap it and have fun kids kinda thing no? And also intimacy...it's not about sex you know, being with someone, trusting them your thoughts, fears, feelings, dreams, that's real intimacy. Not everything revolves about wham bam thank you ma'am ya know...

Might just be that those judging just didn't get IT. The story, the point, the prose. Gotta say I cried all the way trough those final pages not going to lie, possibly also because they say goodbye in Rome and I'm just really missing Italy so much Yea we're there again. And Rome...something so tragically perfect and heartbreaking about Rome. A city that beautiful, you just can't imagine having your heart broken there, but in a city so ancient, just think, how many hearts have been broken there through history. The longing, the obsession, the passion, the nostalgia, the lyrical way the story flows…I loved everything about this book, despite the critics, despite the ''offensive parts'', despite the things people don't like, or maybe just because of them. It's a sure fact that if general population doesn't like something I'll most likely love it. 

In the end of the day we're all Elio aren't we?

P.S. The movie is quite a bit different than the book, but it's still pretty damn perfect. Saw it before I read the book (*gasp* ultimate sin I know) and I really loved it. Also ''muvi star''? Damn boy! Let's be straightforward right now, if he smiled at me like that...? I'd drop both my panties and on my knees in front of him. What? A girl gotta be blunt about her wishes no? Sweet Jesus. He perfect.