There was really no way of knowing but look at us, baby, we're still going.

January 1st 2013

She woke up late morning after a crazy night. New years parties were always crazy in her world. The memories of last night flodded her mind despite the alcohol that probably still lingered in her veins. Smiling brightly she looked to her left, he contently slept next to her. The grin got bigger as she got up and walked to the bathroom, brushing the whiskey from her lips and glitter our of her hair then pulled on a pair of skinny jeans, her favorite cropped Guns n' roses shirt and studded boots, doing her makeup took her a while, her face kept splitting into a grin she couldn't hold back.

Walking out of the bathroom she saw him still sound asleep. Rolling her eyes she sat on the edge of the bed pressing a soft kiss on his lips to wake him up but found herself suddenly shifted and under him. Squeeling in surprise the squeek turned into giggles. He laughed. ''No! Don't! No! My makeup!'' She protested but still laughed with him as he pressed random kisses all over her face. He moved away looking deep in her eyes, smiling softly. ''You're amazing''. He said watching that blush he'd never get tired of spread over her face.

For a moment she couldn't even process this. She woke up with the man she was madly in love with and he felt the same. What are the odds? Love never works that way. Usually you always fall for someone who will never fall for you.

''People warned me about you, you know''. A smile tug at the corner of his lips. ''Did they now?'' he asked casually, amused. She nodded slowly. ''But I don't care'' she added, laying her head on his bare chest. It felt like heaven.

Banging on the doors brought them back to reality and made them jump up. ''Y'all better stop whatever you're doing, cops are here''. Rolling his eyes he fell to his back and groaned. ''Seems like the people were right'' he said and got up to get dressed, she layed down watching him. Her eyes following his every move, his every muscle. ''Like what you see?'' he asked, ''you know I do stud'' she replied jokingly making him laugh.

When he was ready they walked out, his arm around her shoulders. She spotted the new ''sheriff'' that replaced the other one just 3 days ago sit behind the bar with two other cops playing around with his notepad. What is it with cops and their obssesive behaviour towards bikers and their clubs? ''Ah miss, I was hoping to catch you here''. He said offering her his hand, she took it, fiding out his name but not really caring about it. Offering him a charming smile she sat down, her boyfriend hoovering somewhere behind her. Boyfriend. Boy it felt good saying that. ''What's this about chief?'' She asked, thanking the bartender who offered her a cup of coffee. It was 11 am already? How did that happen?

''We're here based on an anonymous tip''. Of course they are. ''And what was it this time? Who is missing? Or dead? Or what illegal activity are we guilty of this time?''. She asked completly calm, slowly sipping her coffee as he explained. ''Well it would appear that your club has been accused of storing and selling illegal weapons'' a low chuckle left her lips. ''Would you like to check officer? Oh hey here's a wild idea, frisk me first'' she replied slowly while getting up, in jeans so tight they left nothing to imagination and spun around in front of him. He frowned. ''Sit down miss'' the cop snapped glaring at her. ''You don't seem to be too worried about these accusations'' he muttered studying her face. ''Why should I be? It's all lies anyways'' the girl hissed through her teeth, slamming the coffee cup back to it's plate a bit too roughly watching the contents swirl around.

''In my experience experienced criminals usually tend to react the way you just did''. ''What exactly are you implying chief?''she asked picking up on a change of tone in his voice. ''Nothing yet but be sure I will be keeping a close eye on your uhm...posey''. He can not be serious? ''Be my guest, I will even make it easy for you and tell you our whereabouts for the entire year.'' She said sweetly. He looked at her surprised not sure if she was messing with him or being serious.

''So I see you and him are getting real close''. He muttered, glancing back at her man staring at them barely even blinking. ''So?''. ''Was he ever abusive with you?''. Oh my god! He asked that question completly calmly making her gawk at him. This conversation went into a whole different direction. Was he insane? What the hell was that about? ''Only in bed, I like it rough''. She replied flatly, noticing the discomfort on his face, something inside her spiked with pride. ''I see, and is it serious between the two of you?''. ''I don't see how's that any of police's business'' she snapped getting up. ''It's not I suppose, I would just hate to see a sweet girl like you get pulled into the crime society that is him and his damn club''. ''You have a good day now chief''. She snapped and walked away.

She stood in the hallway watching the cops leave when she felt strong arms wrap around her waist. ''I doubt anything ever turned me on more then you sassing that cop did just now'' he said with a low growl and a hint of amusment in his voice. ''Fuck the po po'' she muttered turning around in his arms and pressing her lips on his feeling them spread in a grin in the kiss. It was in that moment they both knew that their lives together won't ever be boring or ordinary but also nothing short of amazing.

I’m stuck here wondering what I did wrong for you to leave me here, all alone.

Pet shop boys have a song ''What have I done to deserve this?'', I'm not much of a fan but I can relate to the song title. It's a question I've been asking myself...too many times in my life probably but this month? On a daily basis...

I tend to avoid any and all really personal journal type posts. It's private, not something that should be shared online. Maybe writing a blog almost nobody reads can ease my soul a little bit...

I don't know what I've done to deserve the life I live. Nevermind the past, nevermind the future that I probably don't even have. I mean the present. The present that is nothing but god awful. My 2017 wasn't great and everyone kept telling me ''don't worry, 2018 will be better, it can't always be bad'' I don't know where that shitty logic comes from, I really don't. I can't even begin with the hell 2018 is turning out to be.

Few months back I thought my biggest issue was an university exam I didn't feel prepared enough for but passed anyways. Boy was I wrong. I feel like I'm cursed. Everything wrong that can happen will happen to me. It started with my car being totalled. And I had such a hard time processing that. I still can't process how everything I love is taken away from me, those of you who know me better will understand this sentence better.

But hah, I couldn't know that that was nothing comparing to what 2018 has in store for me. In a span of a month I didn't just lose my father but my entire family, who is more concerned about getting as much of his ''wealth'' as possible then my well being. Did anyone ask me how I'm doing? Did anyone care if I'm alright? Did anyone ask how I'm coping? No. I'm in the middle of this storm and all I want to do is scream and cry and hurt someone, anyone, all of them. Hurt them as much as they hurt me. At the end of the day it's not them, it's me, I'm the one who lost everything. They were always a lousy family to begin with, I never mattered in their eyes but this? This is crossing all lines.

And I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I feel so lonely and so unwanted, so cheated, so destroyed, so damaged, so unloved. I tried to convince myself that I'm okay, that I'm fine, that I don't even care. But at the end of the day all I did was bottle up all my emotions and what's going to happen when they finally blow up?

Thing is people around me keep asking me if I’m okay, and I keep saying that I’m fine, that everything is fine, and they see me breathing, living and they believe it. But the truth is that deep down I’m falling apart, I’m collapsing, I'm choking. My world is shattered, falling apart at the seams. But the ironic thing is I keep smiling. I keep pretending. I keep moving on, keep on hoping. Hoping that someday, somehow the pain stops. Doesn't look like it will but some blind, idiotic, sadistic part of me keeps on hoping.

And you know the sane part of me knows it's pointless, all of it. It's pointless losing sleep over someone that isn't losing sleep over me. It's pointless feeling heartbroken over people that were never heartbroken over me. It's pointless. All of it. So then why can't I just tell everyone to fuck off and leave it at that? Why? Am I stupid? A complete fucking idiot? What's the matter with me?

Thing is, such things will never stop hurting. And they will never get better, and I don't know why I'm clinging to some false hope. I shouldn't hope, I shouldn't think ''well maybe...'' there is no maybe, there is no silver lining, things are the way they are and as soon as I learn to understand that...the better.

Truth is, I miss my dad. I even miss our fights and how he used to drive me insane. I miss all of it. And I can't comprehend how the only people, your family, your own blood, the one that should be there by your side to help you cope is treating me the way mine is treating me.

At the end of the day I'm nothing like them, money isn't my priority, I'd give it all up in a heartbeat just to have more time with dad. I was robbed of a family to start with and now of my time with dad too. No matter how much I complained over him, he was a good man and I know he loved me, he just had a funny way of showing it, but then again so did I. We were just the same. Truth is, I am not okay at all, truth is that I don't know if I can handle all of this, truth is I don't think I'm strong enough, but the truth is also that I have no choice.

I was just wondering...how much do you think a person can take before they break down? And also what happens when a person is to broken to be fixed?

Wasted heart.

You're my flower, you're my road, that I try to stay up on, even when things ain't your wrong, yeah you stayed with me.

You don't stay for what I do, sleepless nights I drug you through, when I say the things I don't mean to, you stay there with me.

You uncovered this sound-loss soul, should have gone baby long ago, but you shined a light where it was dark, on my wasted heart.

When I flew, you hold me down, when I crashed, you were the ground, when my bones scattered all around, you stayed with me.

You uncovered this sound-loss soul, should have gone baby long ago, but you shined a light where it was dark, on this wasted heart.

My wasted heart, needed healing and you saved it for me, I've got a new start, rest your eyes in time, these days we'll see what I never could, yeah you stayed with me.

Duff McKagan - Wasted heart

Ker ti si vse kar jaz imam.

Rad bi bil tvoja senca, ko boš šla, rad bi bil odeja za oba, hočem bit blazina, ko greš spat, rad bi bil fotelj, ko ne moreš stat.

Bil bi oblačilo, ko naga si, najbolj nežna ura, ki te zbudi, ledeni sladoled, ki ga poješ, rad bil bi samo tvoj angel, ko umreš.

Ker ti si vse, vse, kar jaz imam, danes si tu, a jutri si tam, ker ti si vse, vse kar jaz imam.

Bil bi tvoja barva v laseh, na usta ti prilepil bi nasmeh, lahko sem tudi solza, ko jočeš se, bil bi črno vino, da popiješ me.

Jaz sem hladen veter, ko ti vroče je, ko je hladno pulover, da segrejem te, kot tvoja rdeča barva na ustnicah, na tvoji roki ležal bi kot beli prah.

Ker ti si vse, vse, kar jaz imam, danes si tu, a jutri si tam, ker ti si vse, vse kar jaz imam.

DMP - TI SI VSE