Hell not heaven.

I can't remember the last time things felt this miserable and gloomy. It's been a tough week to say the least. With two tough anniversaries. And to be quite honest I had to deal with these things all alone. I had to make some hard decisions lately and it's just...it's not getting any easier. You think you grow up, you think you get a grip on life...well spoiler alert you don't. Losing people, losing yourself, it's always tough.

Sometimes I wonder, just because you have to do something that doesn't make it right does it? Or just because something's the ''right thing'' to do that doesn't make it okay, does it? I've been so lost this past year, and angry and bitter and confused and just plain unhappy and it's been taking a serious toll on my life, on my health, on my every relationship with people. It's been hell to say the least.

I've been going through some pictures I took, years back in Berlin. It wasn't that long ago, couple of years but to me now, it feels like light years away. I was different then, I was happy. I liked that girl more. Not only she was happier but she wasn't so afraid of life, so paranoid, so annoyed at people, so broken...

Berlin is my favourite place on this entire planet. No secret, everyone that knows me knows that. It's something else. It's different. It's...I don't know, hard to describe. A place I feel I can really breathe at. It's amazing. A beautiful city. I find myself missing it. The city. The feeling it gave me. The vibe. Everything really. But mostly how happy I was there.

And obviously the people I got to experience Berlin with. Most of them are gone now anyway...
The first person that took me to Berlin after I nearly cried off 10 pounds begging him, was my dad. Long car ride, lots of amazing music, and Berlin...god I was what 14 then, light years away.

I don't know what I miss really, a place where I would feel at home? Probably, because here I never will. My dad? Most definatelly. My life as it used to be? Yeah. A family. Not that I ever had much of a family. I don't miss my own family, I miss having a family. A family that stands by your side, a family that's there for you when life is hard.

Today would of been dad's 50 something birthday and we'd probably get a drink or something and bicker over something completely stupid because that's just what we used to do. And it's unbearable that I ended up drinking alone after signing a contract that will cost me the very last thing of his that I own.

I guess all I can really say is ''life is tough, I don't recomend it''. Enjoy these three pics of Berlin instead, I know I will. Or will try to...

 

My remedy

“And now I’m looking at you,” he said, “and you’re asking me if I still want you, as if I could stop loving you. As if I would want to give up the thing that makes me stronger than anything else ever has. I never dared give much of myself to anyone before, but since the first time I saw you, I have belonged to you completely. I still do. If you want me.”

Ever found yourself in situations where good intentions got you more trouble than they did good? I swear sometimes I feel like losing my mind. I try to do something good, I try to help, I try to move forward but there's nothing but setbacks in my life. Things always seem to turn for the worst. Sometimes I feel cursed. I can't help it. I really do. How can one person have so much bad luck? How can one person be surrounded by so many toxic people? How can basically everything you touch, everything you do, turn sour? I don't understand. Maybe it's my outlook on life. Maybe I attract trouble because I am trouble. Maybe I attract darkness because I am darkness. Maybe…

But this post is not about darkness, this post is about light. Because no matter how dark life gets there's still light in my life. Light I should focus on when things are super hard. When I lie in the middle of my big bed on a plushy zebra print blanket, eating chocolate listening to Adam Lambert sing Cher's Believe with so much emotion it makes me tear up. You know when a song is just spot on? When it ''hits you in the feels''? this is just that. I love Cher, everyone knows that (people around me especially because I've been sobbing over sold out tickets for weeks), but her version of Believe is a party song, fun and upbeat while Adam gave it a new life, he gave it a whole new meaning, he gave it emotion and he sang it with so much of it that I was just ''oh my god''. You sit down, you shut up and you listen. God, Adam, you're amazing and I just ADORE your beautiful voice (and face).

Gosh I got so off topic. But then again maybe not so much, I was just talking about light in the darkness, what is my ''light'', what makes me happier and stronger. And music sure is one of those things. A big part of it.

But this is not about music, 90% of this blog is, but today, it isn't. It's about a who not a what. When I say life is a mess and nothing makes sense it's true, it really doesn't. Why one person has to handle SO much is beyond me, but there is still one thing in my life that makes a lot of sense. One person.

You know I say I don't do romance, I don't do sappy love songs, I don't do grand romantic gestures and while I do I can hear my best friend going ''cough bullshit cough'' in the back somewhere. He bought me a shirt once saying ''Always hopeless, sometimes romantic''. True. Fits. But the thing is, deep down under my Morticia Addams exterior I'm just like any other girl, sweet romantic gestures like the thing John Cusack does in Say Anything make me melt.

Thing is, I had someone in my life that made me feel all those feelings, someone I wanted to be cute, sappy and romantic with, all the time, 24/7, and life was good, dare I say happy? It was. Crazy happy. Too good. Too perfect. Too amazing. And then it wasn't. It was broken, it was awfull and it was sad and miserable and there was NO light left in the world. And I never, never imagined life could ever be the same, same as it was in the begining, when it was happy. And it won't be, that's for sure, there are people, that no matter what, can't be replaced. But life can still be good, life can still be happy and you can come damn near to those feelings.

Sometimes all the memories come crashing back, and they feel like you've been hit by a huge yellow school bus. Sometimes I feel I'm going crazy, memories are hell, I don't want to forget but sometimes I don't want to remember either. But there's a remedy for that, a remedy that helps at least a tiny bit. Of course nothing will make it okay, nothing will replace what you miss but new feelings, new people, that make you feel good about yourself, about love, about the world, they can make a difference in your life.

And there's someone in my life that does just that. He makes me feel better about myself than I have in a long while. Better about love, better about this horrible world. He gives me a sense of family, a sense of love, a sense of deserving love. Something I struggled with for a long while, being surrounded by so much hatred and negativity, it was hard for me to think there's much else on the planet but that changed. Due to more than one someone really but mostly due to him. He makes me feel like everyday is a slow Sunday morning, when you're making pancakes with the love of your life and everything is alright.

There's that feeling where he just consumes me and everything around me is him. The air I breathe, every sound, every look, every touch. Every single thing is just him. The world around us just doesn't exist no more. And that's where I feel happy, safe, comforted and calm. Life doesn't exist within a small private bubble I know, but I wish it did. I wish nothing else mattered but us.

I promised you to come back and write about the most romantic thing that happened to me when it does. Well, how about this. Someone loving you so much to fly across Europe to spend a couple of hours with you after you have a really horrible day. Or, well days. There's been a lot of those lately but I swear those few hours made it all better.

Honestly a hug sounds so simple, it's just a hug isn't it? Except it isn't. Feeling safe in someone's arms is anything but simple. And then you think about say, a concert in a couple of months, a vacation next summer, and you don't really realise you're talking about the future because there's no doubt in your mind that there is a future for you. And you tell them you miss them but it's barely been a day because you honestly miss them. Not just a cute thing to say, but actual pain you feel because that person is an actual part of your life. A part of you.

And they make you forget the bad in the past, the ex's, the pain, the sadness, the lonliness, that just doesn't exist no more. And you find yourself caring more about their happiness than your own because let's face it their happiness is yours, because they are your person, your love, your life.

And they are the ''happy place'' the ''something good'' you think about when everything is harder than it should be. Tougher than you can handle. And they make you feel safe, like nothing bad can ever happen, and it doesn't, not when you're together. And you're just comfortable, you're you. You don't care if they come across your embarrassing Barbie collection or an old notebook with your crushes name doodled on top of it because you feel secure to know they aint going nowhere.

And then something that used to be annoying becomes exciting, grocery shopping together feels like a date because you hold hands while walking around and picking out carrots. And you annoy the hell out of eachother but you still just want to be around eachother all the damn time, that whole ''I love you, but I don't have to like you right now'' kinda thing.

And you feel eachothers pain, suffering, happiness, their feelings are yours, yours are theirs, and you genuienly just want to make it better when it hurts. And staying in bed all weekend, doing nothing, cuddling, catching up on tv shows you like, or movies, just sounds like the best thing on the planet.

I realised that the only comfort I need, or say, want in my life, the only thing that could make things better, bearable, hopefull again, is that one person. My person. The person I can imagine my future with, few years down the the line. Careers, place of our own, a zoo of our own, four paws and maybe someday two as well.

The deeper the love the stronger the emotion and the stronger the love the deeper the devotion right?

And you know how I came to this realisation? I keep saying I am broken, maybe even beyond repair and him, the one, my person, he says that's bullshit but then in one moment when he actually agreed with me he told me ''you know maybe it's not about trying to fix you at all, maybe it's about starting over and creating something amazing and I think that's just what we have something amazing''.

My remedy, that one person whos demons play well with mine.

Knockin' on heavens door.

Do you ever think about how sick, twisted and lonely this world really is? The other day I was caught in a situation that required me calm, focused, paying attention…and yet I wasn't. My mind was some place else, racing a million miles per hour. People around me were smiling, laughing, they seemed happy…and there I was completly gutted on the inside, and angry, and mad, and furious and just lost.

I remember pretending to be paying attention, giving a fake smile and a comment all while trying to surpress the tears that are burning somewhere in the back of my eyes. And I can't help but think what would the world be like if our struggles were like emotions on the sleeve, out for everyone to see? Would people be kinder to one another? Or would we just turn into judgemental animals? Doing nothing but victim blaming and make it a contest about who suffers more?

Life is so twisted, feelings are so twisted, people relationships are twisted. The kindest people will always suffer the most and the biggest animals will always live the best life. Honesty, morals, caring for another living being means nothing on this planet no more. And quite honestly the more I watch it the more it makes me sick.

I feel like an alien all the time. There is no place for me to fit in. People don't think the way I do, people don't see the world like I do. People are weird and horrible and I'm just…disgusted by it all, the greed, the lack of compassion, the treatment of one another, the selfishness, the lack of morals, all of it it disgusts me. And here I am wondering, how the hell am I supposed to live in a world I don't like, don't understand and certainly don't want to be a part of?

Should I just create my own ''world'', a bubble in which nobody but few rare individuals are welcome in? What happened to that whole ''no person is an island''? Because I just might be…

And then sometimes life surprises you, something amazing happens, something worth living for. A concert of your favourite band, you get that job you wanted so bad, your art gets appreciated like it should be,…

Sometimes life is a slow Sunday morning, making pancakes with the love of your life, their arms wrapped around you and everything is okay. The only problem is that those moments are getting so far and few in between that all the depression and darkness and bitterness just aint worth the struggle no more.

That line fro that song fits here ''what's the use of trying? All you get is pain. When I wanted sunshine I got rain''. Who sings that again? Smash mouth? I think so anyways…

Here's more music I enjoy lately. At least that one song ''Knocking on heavens door''. And you will never hear me, the huge GN'R (obsessed) fan repeat this, but I actually prefer Dylans version.

I always liked Bob Dylan. Maybe not always so much as a musician but more as a person. I mean the guy is a legend he's been a constant influential figure in popular music and culture for more than five decades.

You probably don't know this, but just to make is clear on how amazing Dylan really is, since early 90's he published eight books of drawings and paintings and his work has been on display in major art galleries. I mean the man parties with the big dogs.

He sold over 100 million records which gave him the title of one of the best selling artists of all time. He's got a shit ton of awards, Grammys (from the time those still made sense, now they're an insult fort he music world. Seriously nominating Bieber? What kinda sick joke is that?), a Golden globe and of course also an Academy award. Pretty awesome don't you think?

Of course he is also in the Rock and roll hall of fame THE one. As well as in Songwriters hall of fame, Minnesota music hall of fame and Nashville songwriters hall of fame. It's like he's collecting hall of fames at this point. What the hell? Do you know how fucking excited I was for Def leppard this year? And that was just one nomination, just one win, and then there's this guy looking like some lumberjack collecting HOF's like it's all a big joke. Props Dylan. You're amazing.

Don't think it ends there either, Dylan received the Pulitzer prize in 2008 for his ''prfound impact on popular music and American culture, marked by lyrical compositions of extraordinary poetic power''. Woah, literally had to copy paste this, man it was a mouth full. And of course there was also the Nobel Prize in literature in 2016, how many musicians can say something like that about their work? I'd say very few. For one that I would like joining that list is definatelly the Boss. His lyrics are different, but equally amazing. These are songs that have meaning. A song that you listen to and a whole movie plays in your head during. Songs that make you understand, and feel, and make it as if you're really there, living the lives of the people pictures in those songs, in those lyrics. Some are dark, some are happy, some are free, but that's just how it is in life isn't it? Happy and sad, a mixture of feelings.

What was it that Homer once said ''Sing in me, Muse, and through me tell the story''…

Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid is obviously a soundtrack album, released mid 1973 and I think it was the 12th studio album in a row that Dylan recorded. Now before you rip me to shreds I'll go on and say that I'm not a huge fan of this album at all. Most likely the reason why I kept it is because Knocking on heavens door is on. I literally put that song as loud as it goes and turn the player off when it's over. I'm pretty sure that song is what made it certified gold in the first place.

The album is mostly instrumental and what strikes me as odd is that after a three or so years long pause where he basically dropped off at the side of the planet he comes back with this? Why? Alright the meoldies are well played no arguing there but they're kinda basic, kinda boring don't you think?

Billy 1, Billy 4, Billy 7….? Should I feel grateful that there were no Billy's in between? One is just meh, one is more dramatic I suppose and another is just boring. Maybe put together they get a more interesting approach, like a song split three ways when really it should just be one long song?

And also another really strange thing, the title of the soundtrack and as well the movie is ''Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid'' but like despite Pat being a major character in this story and Billy having three lame songs there's not one about Pat? It's like a deliberate shot at ending his own career so help me jesus. Or a shot at Paul McCartney who released Live and let die at the same day. Literally. Though the two can't compete. Live and let die is amazing.

Let me point out that most critics at the time responded quite the same as me. Unfavorably. If I quote Jon Landau who in Rolling stone wrote ''it is every bit as inept, amateurish and embarrassing as Self Portrait. And it has all the earmarks of a deliberate courting of commercial disaster, a flirtation that is apparently part of an attempt to free himself from previously imposed obligations derived from his audience.''. Not very nice is it?

But just so I won't be completely judgemental, without this album there would be no ''Knockin' on Heaven's door'' and that would be a crying shame. It's such a smile song, very repetive if you think about it but so great, the melody, the lyrics, the sound of his voice, a little girl I know would call that voice ''sounds like ice and old sweaters'', and in a way she's right isn't she? Either way, it's a beautiful song, in original version, in GN'R version and in Eric Clapton's version and in Bruce Springsteens version and in Bon Jovi's version, but not in Avril Lavignes voice, you suck Avril go back to singing about Hello Kitty.

GN'R put this song on Use your illusion II and played it at 1992 tribute concert for Freddie Mercury (look at that another concert I would just DIE to be at, well more so an actual Queen concert with Freddie alive, but this was also an incredible moment in music history. An amazing gig with 72 000 people attending. Wild.)

So then put the record on, if you have it, if not iPod will do and get lost in his voice for those three minutes and a couple of seconds. It's amazing I swear.

I still think about you.

''It's been 7 years, a lot of tears, ain't got nothing but this song...I still think about you, do you think about me? I still think about you...No matter where you go just as sure as a cold wind blows, I still think about you...''