''I don't want to know who we are without each other,
it's just too hard…
I don't want to leave here without you, I don't want to
lose part of me…
Will I recover that broken piece?
Let it go and unleash all the feelings…
Did we ever see it coming? Will we ever let it go?
We are buried in broken dreams, we are knee deep without
a plea, I don't want to know what it's like to live without you…
Don't want to know the other side of a world without you…''
I don't know why but this holiday season has only been
torture for me. Actual literal torture. As you may have guessed from the post
below there's very few things I hate as much as I hate December and Christmas
and the euphoria over the new years…why so estatic over one night? You'll wake
up January 1st and things will be just the same. Hell. Well, probably not all of
you but most of us are all going through some shit…
A lot changed this past year. In my life I mean. And all
the changes were for the worst. I don't even dare dreaming or even hoping of a
''happy new year'' because each December 31st I tell myself okay the past year
was hell but the next one will be better. And guess what? Each new year just
ends up being worse. I remember being optimistic last year thinking well it
can't get any worse and guess what? It fucking did.
I can honestly say that 2018 has been the worst year of
my life. The worst. Never mind all the hell and pain I went through in the
past, nothing compares to this. I lost so much, but also learned so much. And I
suppose all the newly discovered things only made me more bitter, more angry,
more devoid of compassion for people, because honestly all they do is
disappoint you, and hurt you, and use you, and the only people that are
supposed to love you, your family, those are the people that will hurt you the
most.
I wonder all the time what I did so wrong in my life to
deserve this. Who did I piss off so bad? Why do I deserve all this pain? Am I
really such a terrible person? I made tons of mistakes yes but should they be
punished like this?
And I feel guilty, there are so many things I could
prevent. So many things that could be different but I did nothing to prevent
them. And now it's too late. Too late even for damage control.
I watch all these Christmas pictures on Facebook and
Instagram, not like you can not see them, they are literally everywhere, and
you know what I crave having? A loving and supporting family. Not presents,
nothing materialistic. Things could be worse I know, some kids have really
awful childhoods but things could also be better.
I used to convince myself that I'm fine, that I don't
miss what I don't know. In a way it's true I really don't know, but that
doesn't mean I don't miss it. A family. A home. Support. Love. A safety net.
And the funny part is the only thing left in my life, the
only thing that I found some comfort in, something that always made me better,
smile, hopeful and at least semi happy, my music? I don't even have that. I
didn't just lose all I had I lost that too. I watch these tour announcements
daily for 2019 and a year ago I would be making plans, and I would be so
excited, and now? It's making me more miserable than anything else on this
planet…
When I look back at my life in the past year I wonder
what do I even have left? What is there to look forward to, what is there to be
happy about? Things never looked quite as bleak as they do now, and I reached a
point where I'm no longer living but surviving and even that just barely, on
pain medication, sedatives and a level of stress so high it could probably
power up a power plant and produce power for the entire fucking continent.
I suppose I reached a point where I am so damn lost that I
just don't know how to carry on. What to do to make things better. How to ''fix''
at least some aspects of my life that are completely unfixable, but then it
wasn't me who fucked them up so thinking I could fix anything is crazy. I guess
the only thing I can do is ''get up, dress up and show up'' and keep on hiding the
pain behind a great big fucking fake smile and be thankful people never notice,
because people don't really care.
I'm still wondering the same thing I was a year ago ''how
much can a broken person take before they break completely?'' I surprised
myself for still going, still breathing, still living. Things I went through
would most likely kill a ''normal person'' but then again I was never normal in
the first place. Or maybe I was, am, and I'm just over reacting, you know what
people say ''suck it up, others have it worse'', because it makes so much sense
comparing my pain and troubles to someone elses. Really.
Anyways this is probably my last post this year, I didn't want it to be this dark, but shit happens, I know I
haven't been as active as I'd want to be and my posts weren't as good. I'm
sorry about that, here's one thing I can promise, I will try to be better next
year. All that aside, I wish you all a safe, happy and healthy new year. I hope
it will be filled with love and laughter and will treat you amazingly because
that's nothing short of what you deserve. Thank you for sticking with me for
all these years, I appreciate it and I love every single one of you reading
these lines, so see you in the next year.
''Is it fair, or is it fate? No one knows. The stars
choose their lovers, save my soul, it hurts just the same and I can't tear
myself away…
Did we ever see it coming? Will we ever let it go?
We are buried in broken dreams, we are knee deep without
a plea, I don't want to know what it's like to live without you…
Don't want to know the other side of a world without you…''
Ruelle - The other side
