I'm only gonna make it worse, but I don't know how to lift this curse.

I started this blog two years ago and after everything that happened in those two years it seems so far away. I was a completly different person back then. Not better or worse, just different. Life was different. When I closed down the other blog and opened this one this is what I wrote...

''I decided to keep it simple and write about things I love, things that make me happiest. I decided to share my art, my photography, my love for music, traveling, fast cars, Harley's, books, comics, movies, tv shows, shoes, vinyls, Jack Daniels, animals, the country side and all things strange and unusual that don't fit in the society's starndards of ''beauty'' and ''normality''. I just want this to be a positive space, I had enough negativity in my life and I don't need to make it worse, by writing about it and dwelling on it. This is a happy place. Containing all the things I love most. I hope you'll enjoy it or at least learn to appreciate the effort.''

Boy was I naiive. When was everything as easy? When was life ever easy? In the midst of this hell I was thrown into this December, and believe me despite everything in the past this December had to be in the top 3. I hate December did I mention? Most wonderful time of the year? How about no? Either way in the midst of is all I stopped, took a breath and thought about how petty I am being.

Yes life is awful, and I don't think I can take much more, I'm at my breaking point and I feel like I will snap any second. I never imagined that by trying to do something good for myself I will cause myself so much harm. If I'd knew this from the get go I would never do it.

Point is I am being petty, look at all the shit going on around the world, things that still happen that in a modern world shouldn't be happening, all the violence, all the hate, all the bullshit...it feels ridiculous to complain about the things and situations I find myself in. Yet at the end of the day I bottle up the stress, my fears, concerns, frustrations...and I try to survive the day. One day at a time. You know how it goes ''get up, dress up, show up'' and ''keep calm and carry on''. And I ask myself, when the fuck did I stop living and just started surviving instead?

I wonder...how long can I keep doing this for? How long can I keep putting one foot in front of the other, with a fake fucking smile on my face and all the weight, stress, and bullshit tagging along with me.

And the crazy thing is I don't even remember where all of it comes from, how long has it been dragging me down? It feels like forever. It feels like I am addicted to sadness. It feels like if I'm not sad, I am lost, I don't know what to do with myself.

Can I cut ties to everything dragging me down? No idea. How? What if all of it is tied to who I am and suddenly without all this weight I was nothing. Maybe it all has some point, value if you will. No idea. Does all of it have a point at all? Is the fight even worht the prize? No fucking clue.

Maybe all of this crap is what is giving me the compassion and empathy for others because I know what it's like. To love and lose, to be forgotten, to be mistreated, to be hurt, lost, sad, depressed...maybe that's why I can make a connection with others, maybe our paths cross for a reason, maybe people are set on our paths for a certain reason. To change your life, to make it better, to make it different, to steer you off the path you're walking on because it may not be the best thing for you and even you yourself don't know it.

I'm not looking for an anwser, I know nobody knows, neither do I. We all kinda do life as we go along. There's no manual, we let our fears, morals, love, whatever else guide us....

I had no idea where this post will end up, my mind is disoriented and messy. I have every single negative emotion in me right now and I hate it. Things haven't been this bad in a long time and I hate that even more. I guess this time I am completly lost. Not a little bit, but completly. I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go and I don't know how to move on. You know that line in that song ''Did you ever try so hard that your world just fell apart.''? Yeah that...I try and I try but I think I've reached my limit. I can't do it no more.

Life needs to be sweetened.

Did you ever wake up in the middle of the night because of a dream? A nightmare? Shaking and sweating trying to catch your breath but choking instead? It happens to me more times then I'd like lately. And it's always the same. Same concept I mean. All of the worst things I could imagine happening to me in one giant ''movie production'' playing in my head and it's horrible. Which is why I'm here right now, 3 am Sunday morning, trying to catch my breath...

This is not a good start for the first actual post I did in a while *and I'm sure the post won't be good either*, I know, I'm sorry, life has been absolutely insane. It really has been a couple of crazy weeks. So it's safe to say my mind has been...occupied with other things. Like people around me, is there something wrong with me or literally everyone around me? When did people get so stupid, judgemental, egoistic and self centered? When did they turn so evil, wishing bad upon everyone and everything slightly different then them? I really don't seem to understand. What do you get from so much hate? God knows.

I think it's best I focus on some music instead, gonna be interesting, here I am writing about an album and listening to something completly different and very local on my iPod while doing so. Lets see how this works out.

So this album is also on Rolling Stones 50 greatest hair metal albums of all time. And it really is one of the greatest. I mean not better then Skid Row's debut but pretty damn close. I got my copy at a flea market for like ten bucks. Which was the first and only time I ever found anything good or remotely interesting at our flea markets. Usually it's all trash with a price tag on it. Judging on that I could sell a ton of my old stuff that I threw out instead. Maybe that was my blonde moment.

Timing is everything isn't it? And isn't it funny how some people are just on the right place at the right time? So were Cinderella because guess what? Non other then Jon Bon Jovi is responsible for Cinderella even having their hair metal fairytale *bless you Jon* because he discovered them after catching their set in some Philadelphia club where he was recording his Fahrenheit album at the time. Jon was aparently completly in love with them and made the guy who signed Bon Jovi at Mercury go check them out who aparently said ''great looks, great music, great energy, but the drummer and the guitar player need to go'' or something along those lines. If I understood it correctly they've been listening to that a lot at the time. When they held auditions for that guitar player Snake Sabo auditioned. Can you imagine that? Snake! At the end LaBar got the place, they got the deal and the rest is history...is it ever that easy? I doubt it. Hah.

Can we just talk about the cover for a second though? What's with the pink fog and that huge hair? And the clothes? I mean there is so much more, SO MUCH MORE to this band then the whole glam thing they've got going on. It's giving me this vibe, what would you call it today, ''mainstream''.

Their first big hit was Nobody's fool which really is a great song, to be fair the album is worth getting for that song alone. Though I think what really put this album on the map and gave it a place in music history was when they were invited on tour with Bon Jovi. The Slippery when wet tour that is. Totally made them stars, got them number three on the Billboard chart and the album went triple platinum. Can we just take a moment here, like can I just point out how unfair life is? I really should be 20 years old in the 80's, all the band boys...this is so unfair. Or maybe this is one of those moments when you realize there's a reason behind everything...I'd be a total groupie in those days. Let's move on before this post gets out of control. Hah.

Cinderella's second album, which I actually prefer was just as succssesful and then it all went south with Heartbreak station. I'm still not sure what happened there but jesus it was bad. Their fourth album was pretty much ignored and it may had to do something with this new decade and alternative music starting to grow or the fact that the albums just aren't good. I'm sorry boys, I still love you but I don't love those two albums.

But still all that aside when we talk about my favorite glam, hair metal, hard rock from the 80's without too much thinking Cinderella makes that list. Bon Jovi really knew what's up. Back in the day they played their music the way they wanted to and it was the best thing ever. Glam metal at it's finest. And let's not forget all the emotion in it too.

Night songs their debut came out in 1986 and totally rattled the glam metal scene at the time because it was something new and different. They had that dirty sleazy metal yes but they managed to put raw emotion into their music as well but that is far more obvious on their second album which is also better then this one but let's not go there again. I really do love ''Don't know what you got'' that much yes.

Night songs has ten songs and they're all powerful, great songs, with Tom's growls and all the amazing solo's it really makes it for a bitchin album. The final product? Woah, all I can say is woah. First time I played it I was like ''damn'', such an amazing record. Guitar parts are really something else. And not to mention Tom's charisma, he's got it. That something that most modern singers lack on stage. But he had it. The accent, the growl, everything. You can't mistake his voice, it's so special and emotional. And let's not forget that Jon Bon Jovi actually sings on this album, yup he did some back vocals. I think that would make me love Cinderella even if I didn't. Huge Bon Jovi fan yes.

The opening title track has this wonderful dark prelude before it hits us with those guitars and that classic 80's metal sound which really makes it for an ideal opening. Shake me is a total metal anthem and lets not even begin with Hell on wheels and that guitar solo or drumming in it. You know what they actually remind me of? Like if AC/DC and Def Leppard had a baby, I think Cinderella would be that baby. Ha!

Then you've got Nobody's fool. Power ballads...such an 80's thing, even the toughest bands seemed to do ballads back then. This song though, it's really nice, still one of my favorites, Keifers voice really shines through on it and it has this slow, kinda metalish vibe. And the lyrics too, all in all it's a great song.

Other great songs on it are obviously Nothing for nothing, Somebody save me which has a serious AC/DC vibe with that one riff and of course Back home again which has a guitar solo to die for.

All in all, it's a great album and honestly you need to get pass the cover, listen with your ears not eyes, as I said there's so much more to them then big hair. There is only one singer out there with a voice like Tom Keifer and that is Tom Keifer so seriously give them a chance and play it, I promise you'll love it.

This is as good as it gets this week, and as much as you get, I'm exhausted, my mind won't cooperate properly. Now go listen to some Cinderella kids and party on.

All of these stars will guide us home.

''It's just another night and I'm staring at the moon, I saw a shooting star and thought of you. I sang a lullaby by the waterside and knew if you were here I'd sing to you. You're on the other side as the skyline splits in two, miles away from seeing you.''

''So open your eyes and see the way our horizons meet and all of the lights will lead into the night with me. And I know these scars will bleed but both of our hearts believe all of these stars will guide us home.''

Das beste

''It's another day, wanna get away from here, there's a plane up on a runway, gonna run away from here, cause the rain is so terribly dull and it bores me, yeah misery adores me.''

I want to break out and get away, I want to just try and live for me cause if we don't try then we won't believe that we could've had it. I want to let go, and fall for you and when it gets rough, be your parachute, I want to do the things that you only read about, are you ready?''

He once told me, ''it's not your artworks that make you an artist but your ability to paint a smile on every face you come across, but just like every artist consoled with art because of a broken life, there's a twist to you too'' and I asked him, what my twist is. You know what he told me? ''You never paint a smile on yourself''.

Michelangelo said that the true work of art is but a shadow of the divine perfection. That's what he is, to me at least, divine perfection. And you know what it is that I love most about him? All those pieces he says are broken, all the tiny little things he says are wrong, ugly, meaningless, all the things he hates about himself, all the things other people hate about him, I just love them that much more. It's all a matter of perception, some see beauty some see a mess. All those little things make you you. Little imperfections, quirks and personality traits that are unique to each and everyone of us.

You know what the problem is? I fell in love with those cracked, broken, destroyed pieces of him and when he showed me the good side I fell even harder and quite honestly, right now, I don't think I'd survive the landing. Does that make sense? Do you guys know what I'm talking about?

Did you ever ask yourself why are we so fascinated with stories about vampires or werewolves falling in love with mortals? Or an angel falling in love with a human? The most normal, boring, ordinary human. Why are there so many works of fiction out there about super heroes and normal girls? Because we know that love is both a weakness and a strength, even the darkest, meanest, most twisted can feel love, can fall in love, get sweaty palms and go weak in the knee, well the Hulk probably can't but you get the point. And it's that idea that no matter what you're going through, who you are, where you are in life, love can still get in. And love is the only thing that can weaken you, make you vulnerable, make you breakable but also be the strongest force in your life, pushing you forward, giving you a reason to live. It was always love and it always will be love that's the driving force of everything, why do we do something? Why do we like certain music, movies, books? What we love, who we love? It's always love that can make a change in the world. Everything begins and ends with love. And to be fair it doesn't matter if you're broken, cracked, destroyed...just like light, love can get through the cracks and isn't that the most beautiful thing?

I don't know where I'm going with this, it's been a long hard week, so much has happened and the storm in my head doesn't seem to calm down. I have a ton of regrets and doubts and fears and what if's and questions. My fucking mind never shuts up, I worry about shit I shouldn't even worry about, nothing is alright. But in the middle of that storm there's just one thing that is as clear as the bright blue sky. Out of all the things I do regret and mistakes I've made. He wasn't one of them, and no matter how we go on from this point, no matter what happenes...

I will still love you, ástin mín.

''I'm done with small town politics, I need to make my way to where the action is, I'm done with it, so the question is are you coming with? Cause baby, if you like, I'll take you there, imagine all the places we could go to disappear, or we could turn the light off and go back to bed, stare at the stars at your ceiling and pretend that we're somewhere else.

I want to break out and get away, I want to just try and live for me, cause if we don't try then we won't believe that we could've had it. I want to let go, and fall for you and when it gets rough, be your parachute, I want to do the things that you only read about, are you ready?''

You got this.

You know sometimes life gets really tough, and sometimes it seems like the sun will never shine again. And those days we all need a little reminder, something to get us through the day. I'm sharing some of mine here today because tough days seem to come more often then good ones lately and I myself need to be reminded of certain things sometimes.

You are worthy.

You are important.

You will make it through.

You are capable of great things.

You don’t deserve the harsh words you tell yourself.

You are more than enough.

It’s okay to be sad and not know why.

You don’t have to be positive all the time.

You’re allowed to get upset over things, and express yourself over things that hurt you.

It’s okay if you relapse into a previous state, this does not diminish your progress.

It’s okay to cry, you don’t have to play tough all the time.

You don’t have to push yourself too hard all the time. It’s okay to rest, you know your own limits.

Just because you aren’t where you want to be right now, doesn’t mean you won’t get there. You may even find a better destination along the way.

You are going to be okay. It may hurt right now, and it may be a struggle, and nothing feels like it matters, but it's going to be alright, you got this girl.

You’re going to get through this, and you will rise from this stronger, wiser, and better because of it. It may feel like hell right now, it may feel like your entire world is falling apart but you will get through this and you'll be better then ever, you'll live, love, laugh.

All things must pass and so will the dark shadow fallen upon you, you'll see the light again and you'll feel the sun again, you'll see life, you'll see hope, you'll feel free again.

And when things go wrong, take a deep breath. Regroup. You got this.

And the stars look very different today.

''I, I will be king and you, you will be queen, though nothing, will drive them away, we can beat them, just for one day. We can be heroes, just for one day. And you, you can be mean, and I, I'll drink all the time, 'cause we're lovers, and that is a fact, yes we're lovers, and that is that. Though nothing, will keep us together we could steal time, just for one day, we can be heroes, forever and ever, what'd you say?''

Sometimes I'm such a cliche. When someone says David Bowie I only think of one song. My favorite one. Heroes of course, even though through his career he recorded so much great music.

Did you know that till now his record sales were estimated at around 140 million albums worldwide, which made him one of the worlds best selling music artists. In the UK alone he was awarded nine platinum albums, eleven gold ones and eight silver ones. Not to mention he's been in the Rock n roll Hall of fame since 1996.

And he started out by studying art, music and design before taking on a professional career as a musician. I think what I like about him is his experimentation. There was nothing ''by the book'' or ''boring'' or ''normal'' about David or you know Ziggy Stardust. How cool is the collaboration with Queen ''Under pressure'' really? Two such amazing vocalists together. That song makes the hair on the back of my neck stand. I heard a stripped version once with no music and it's not just amazing, it's AMAZING. Just like Prince I always wished that maybe someday I'd get to see him live but obviously that didn't happen, David's last concert was at a charity event in 2006 but actual touring stopped in 2004.

He never gave up on music though, up to the last moment he was a singer. Blackstar was released in 2016 and he died just two days after. I gotta say I was rather shocked. You know how Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix all died just months apart? This felt like a Deja vu. Prince, Bowie and Lemmy. Horrible.

I was just listening to this album this morning and though it would make a great next post. I think that out of the three albums I do actually own, this one is the best one.

Bowie's most commercially successful album to date. Reaching number 1 on both sides of the Atlantic. Am I being a cliche again if I say I love it? I don't know sometimes aparently I'm into mainstream and popular stuff too. Rarely, but it happens. It also happened that he despite being a pop musician is one of my favorites. Let's face it, I can't stand pop music but I love him and I love Michael Jackson.

Let's dance is a great album, but I find it hard to imagine now how people felt when this album came out. Despite his comeback being eagerly awaited, it was literally out of nowhere and the general pop loving crowd loved it while die hard Bowie fans were not convinced, I mean this record may had given him this new ground breaking sound and popularity he was after but it's kinda...I don't know ''normal''. It's hard to pin point exactly what it is, but comparing to the prior releases this is completly different. If you look at how hardly the fans were waiting for it I understand why there were some that were disappointed. They knew Ziggy Stardust and suddenly there's just David, smiling, bleach blonde rock star.

He worked on this album together with Nile Rodgers and as coproducers I think they really complete eachother. Scary monsters was great but it was also a bit of a one way street. So Let's dance was really a step up. The song Let's dance itself is fun, upbeat, pop, that 80's dance vibe. Which is probably also why this was his fastest ever selling single, reaching top charts pretty much everywhere. David is using a different type of singing on it, which is what I think is so great about him, he can sing in so many different styles. Like ''Modern love'' for example, he said that the song was inspired by Little Richard and that he used his ''rock voice'' for it. And he pushed it to the point where it almost sounded a bit strangled or strained if you will. But just think about it for a second the man is a genius, so many styles, so many ''voices'' all in one singer. Amazing.

China girl is on this album also, I love that song to be fair. I love how it starts simple and cheery and like a pop song and then slowly turns into something different, much harder and darker. Did you know that China girl is recycled material? It was originally a song Bowie wrote for - with Iggy Pop on the artists 1977 album ''The Idiot''. Who names an album ''the idiot''? Wait maybe I'm missing something here, this is probably kinda like Green day's American idiot, though to be fair despite being released in 2004, American Idiot's full potential is showing now, with an American Idiot sitting in the White house.

This entire album is great don't get me wrong but there's three songs that I feel are worth the price of an album and I know that is about the most over used thing a music blogger could say but it's also true. Those songs are Without you, Shake it and Modern love. I think these songs are something else, the lyrics are far more bold just because they're so damn simple they make you ask what the hell was he thinking. Hinting at simple mindedness? Hah. I really can't tell.

''Modern love gets me to the church on time, church on time terrifies me''

What do you think he was trying to say with this? That he doesn't want to progress with the modern world? Is it about trying to stay stable in an ever changing world? Is it about a man who is very much fearful of a romantic relationship and commitment? You know what I think it's about? I think it's about growing up, facing these new responsibilities that let's face it can seem scary at times. I love that little growl on this song too.

Sometimes we look for deeper meanings in songs that don't really have them. Sometimes two people understand a song completly different, but at the end of the day, does it really matter? Aren't we all allowed to have an opinion? Without you is pretty simple to understand though, and it's the simplicity and the honesty that I love, like a simple retro song ''I want you to want me'' bam end of story.

''Just when I'm ready to throw in my hand, just when the best things in life are gone I look into your eyes.

There's no smoke without fire. You're exactly who I want to be with. Without you, what would I do?

And when I'm willing to call it a day just when I won't take another chance, I hold your hand.

There's no smoke without fire. Woman, I love you. Without you, what would I do?''

Wouldn't it be great if more things in life were quite as simple? And then you've got Shake it. The vocals alone are something else on that one and the lyrics ''I could take you to heaven, I could spin you to hell but I'll take you to New York, it's the place that I know well.'' totally cool. Shake it is like the final straw, one last thing that ''killed'' the pretending. It's like, he spent so long up to that point behind masks, an alter ego, a different persona and here he just let it go, here he was simply David.

Album ends in the best way possible, with the lines "When I'm feeling disconnected, well, I sure know what to do, shake it, baby.". A line to live by to be serious. We should all learn how to let lose sometimes, take things easier, less serious, enjoy life, sing like nobody is listening, dance like nobody is watching. You know what I mean? Bowie was on to something here.

At the end of the day, the album has some flaws, second side is not nearly as good as the first and the song Ricochet feels like trying too hard. Never the less the album was number 4 on the charts and Bowie's first platinum selling album even if later sales of older albums surpassed that. And also as a fun fact this album is one of the earliest recordings of Stevie Ray Vaughan. He said yes to recording with Bowie without even knowing much about his music. Hah.

Either way, I find myself enjoying this record anytime I spin it. It's cool, it's fun, it's different, David cut the crap with it. So, guys, put it on and Let's dance.

''I don't know where I'm going from here but I promise it won't be boring.''

1.11.2012

''When black cats prowl and pumpkins gleam, may luck be yours on Halloween.''

The hardest part of ending is starting again.

''Looking for an anwser, is there sunshine where you are? The way there was when you were here. I’m just sitting in the dark, in disbelief that you’re not here.''

I wanted to write about Halloween today. Share any story from my past Halloweens. I realized that they are all, a bit...too much for this blog. And also, there is something weighing so heavy on my heart and mind that I just can't shut it up.

I've been struggling with Chester leaving us so much. He was my role model, my hero, my sunshine when life got too dark. I found so much of myself in his lyrics. He helped me get through the hardest things in life. When I was in school, the ''weird metal kid'', the ''emo'', the ''goth'', the ''crazy bitch'' whatever else they'd call me, with no friends and all alone on this planet, his songs kept me going. When things in my family were anything but perfect, I'd look for comfort in their music. When life got rough I used to lie awake at night listening to his voice, it was reasuring, it made me feel comforted and safe. It was a feeling I missed so much. I never imagined someday so soon that comfort will be taken from me. I felt like someone pulled the rug from underneath me. I was angry, I was sad, I was hurt, I was broken and I was the lonely little girl all over again. He was struggling with the same things I am, he was fighting the same demons I am, and I always used to say to myself, if he's tough enough to make it, so can you. And in the end he wasn't, and I'm scared that someday I won't be able to fight any longer too.

Where is this coming from? The ''Linkin park and Friends Celebrate Life in Honor of Chester Bennington'' concert happened this Friday. One of the concerts I really really wished I was at. And I was up in the middle of the night, live stream on but as soon as Mike sang ''When life leaves us blind, love keeps us kind'' it was too much. I had to take a deep breath shut it down and leave it for another day. That day was today. I watched the entire clip, about 3 hours long, and let me tell you something it was both, the most beautiful and the most heartbreaking thing I've ever watched. There was so much emotion, so much love, so much positive energy, so much passion and support. Our LP family really is an amazing comunity.

Mike said that when he found out the news he was in complete disbelief, he didn't want to believe anybody or anything. And that's exactly how I felt. I didn't want to believe it. And during that rollercoaster of emotion, just like it helped Mike, music helped me too. He wrote that beautiful song, ''Looking for an anwser'' and...it was amazing is all. At this point I'd like to just say about Mike that he's such an inspiration and so strong and so amazing. I don't even have the right words to say but it's no wonder, strength and courage comes from love and Mike has plenty of it. I wish I could be one of those fans that met them before the show, giving them big hugs, telling them everything will be okay. I wish I could do something to make it better for him, for them. I always had nothing but mad respect for them but seeing them now, opening themselves to us, to vulnerability, to love, to everything else, that made things completly different. I love you guys. We, the fans will always be there for you, stand by you, believe in you and love you. No matter what.

I don't think it hit me full force before, that he's really gone, till right now, the concert, seeing them on stage, preforming without him. Seeing Mike struggle on a couple of songs, on a couple of short speaches...it was hard to watch it, he's gone and nothing will ever be the same again. Numb, One more light, Looking for an anwser, In the end,...those were hard, but I think harder was watching the boys trying to hold back their own emotions and keep it together, I felt for them. Really.

My sadness hits me hard sometimes, it's not all about Chester, it's mostly about things that his passing stirred up and the wounds it re-opened. It's a struggle and it's a battle. It's a distraction and it's like a dark cloud, it left me feeling so hollow and so overwhelmed. What changed though is that this concert helped me a lot. There is hope, there is light and there is so much love. It still hurts and my heart is still broken but the force and love and support this band and the fans have is so strong, it's so reasurring. The concert hurt it's true but it helped so much, we all share the same grief, we're all together in this, our pain is real but yet we're not alone. Chester was amazing, he touched all our lives, regardless if we knew him or not.

Some people ask me how I can feel such heartbreak and so much pain and such sorrow for someone I've never met, ''he's just a celebrity, he didn't even know you exist''. If he could have, he'd met us all with a huge hug. He was so full of love and light and passion and the will to help others. It's so simple really, it's not just a musician we lost, it's not just a dad, a husband, a friend, it's an amazing human being, if only everyone on this planet cared half as much as he did for others, shared his empathy, his love, the world would be a much better place. And on the other hand, ''you didn't even know him'', what a lonely, isolated world would we live in if people would only care about themselves and maybe a few others they know personally.

In England, a little after that attack in Manchester, Chester stood on stage and told us that we can destroy all this shit and all the hate simply with love, by loving the person next to us. He told the fans in that venue to turn around, look at the person standing next to them and tell them they love them, that they're so happy to be there with them. He said music unites us, love unites us, no matter who we are, where we are from, what we love, what we believe. Love leaves us kind right? And that love shouldn't be limited to people close to you. It's something, a ''motto'' if you will that I want to live by.

I'm taking this and life and everything else one step at a time. Nothing changed. I love the band, I love their music, I still listen to it all the time, only now, songs have a deeper, different meaning. But honestly, these days there's no more tears, there's a smile instead and that's mostly because of the amazing LP family, the amazing love and positivity that was left behind, the light he brought to this world simply by being in it. And to be fair, knowing us or not knowing us there's one thing he wouldn't want and that is pain, suffering, heartbreak. Chester would of hated it. He would want us to smile, laugh, celebrate life, lift eachother up just like we've been doing all along in the past few months.

In that spirit, I share the same ideas, same passion, same empathy and willingness to help anyone in need. If there's anything, if you need to talk, if you're having a bad day, if you just need someone to listen, my inbox is always open *baby_im_a_monster@hotmail.com* don't be afraid to come talk. I will always do my best to offer you some comfort or help if it's in my power to do anything. Don't be scared to reach out, you're not alone.

You know which moment of the show got to me most? Besides Mike's song that is...Numb. Such a powerful, strong, amazing moment. The band playing, spotlight on but there's nobody there. Nobody was singing but then the crowd picked up the song and it only grew louder each second. I thought it was amazing because nobody could do that song justice, nobody could sing it like he does so they gave the ''spotlight'' to the fans instead.

Rest in peace baby, I love you so much, thank you for the music, the love, the kindness, the hope you left behind, thank you for being here when nobody else was. And to my LP family, thank you for understanding what nobody else does, thank you for everything as well, it feels good having a place you belong in. I love you all.

I’ll keep my light strong, for you Chester.

http://musicforrelief.org/

http://chester.linkinpark.com/

♥

It's like an avalanche I feel myself go under...

''Cut me open and tell me what's inside. Diagnose me cause I can't keep wondering why. And no it's not a phase cause it happens all the time. Start over, check again, now tell me what you find. Cause I'm going out of frequency, can anyone respond?

It's like an avalanche, I feel myself go under, cause the weight of it's like hands around my neck. I never stood a chance, my heart is frozen over and I feel like I am treading on thin ice.''

                       

''Am I broken? What's the chance I will survive? Don't sugarcoat me, cause I feel like suicide, just give it to me straight cause I'm running out of time I need an antidote, now what can you prescribe?

It's like an avalanche, I feel myself go under cause the weight of it's like hands around my neck, I never stood a chance, my heart is frozen over and I feel like I am treading on thin ice and I'm going under...

I need a cure for me cause a square doesn't fit the circle, give me a remedy cause my head wasn't wired for this world.''

In the still of the night.

It just occured to me that I have to change the age in my profile. I can't say I'm all too excited about turning 25. I remember my plans from the past and get all frustrated when I realize what I wanted to do, where I wanted to be at 25 and seeing that not one of those plans came true. I mean that's what plans are for aren't they? To fall apart. Not that it's too late to make those things happen now, only maybe harder.

Not like birthday is the only reminder. Those of you that use Facebook, you know how sometimes there's that ''we care about your memories that you share here so maybe you'd like to be reminded...'' and then that ''2 years ago'' or whatever else. I had up to 8 years ago I think, anyways those are sometimes hard, or just annoying. Not all of the past is pretty. It makes me want to delete half of my facebook to be fair. I don't even know where I'm going with this. It's been a long couple of weeks, a lot of new, a lot of firsts, a lot of change. Some great some not so great. I still stand behind what I said that change is good but maybe at the moment I'm not the biggest fan of everything changing in my life.

Alright, another monday, I hate mondays lord knows I do, so instead of dwelling on it I'll put on a record and tell you some stuff about it...

I don't even remember when this romance started. I always liked Whitesnake, never particulary ''Guns N' Roses'' crazy about them but always loved them. Maybe it started when I first heard ''Is this love'', yes, I have a thing about rock ballads. Did you ever really listen to Cinderella's You don't know what you've got till it's gone? That raspy voice? It's so beautiful. Or GN'R's Don't cry? November rain? I mean I like my music loud but cmon, the ballads! Beautiful.

Anyways back to the point, did you know that this album is on the Rolling Stone's list of 50 greatest hair metal albums of all time? It seems completly insane to me, because to me, hair metal is Poison and Warrant and Cinderella *at the start, later on not so much, but we've been over that*. I guess despite the hair I never really thought of them as ''hair metal''. But I suppose it makes sense, this album is full on Bon Jovi, hah, the power ballads, the clothing change...you know the works. Real damn hot to be fair. Did you also know that the hit song of this record ''Here I go again'' is actually a re-make of their own song from the 1982 titled Saints and sinners? I mean can you imagine the song we know today, Here I go again, titled Saints and sinners? Seems so odd.

A friend once told me that Whitesnake name comes from, David's, you know...thingy? I mean does anyone know if that's true...or? I'd love to know. Hah.

So the European version of this album is actually a re-release of their American album. Small diffences but enough for a fan to notice. The track order for example, American version has ''Still of the night'' as an opening track which kinda makes the record flow better if you ask me. I think Still of the night is one of their best songs no matter what was released prior or later on. People are calling it a Led Zepp rip off, which is a debate I am not willing to go in to. American release also has two more songs *those bastards*, ''Looking for love'' being one, and ''You're gonna break my heart again'' being the second one. One an amazing power ballad and one a hard rocker, and I wish I had them both, hah.

People are saying that Coverdale was in a rut after the quick and huge success he had with Deep Purple. I mean I don't think Whitesnake got the attention it could from the get go, after they started out, they've spent what ten years in rather small venues all over Europe, things changed for them in 84 when Slide it in was released and American audience started to notice them. Which is why Coverdale got John Sykes *he used to work with Thin Lizzy for a short ammount of time* for the next album.

1987 or just ''Whitesnake'' in the States was and still is to this day Whitesnakes best selling album. It sold in about 8 million copies in the USA and the sales helped boosting the sales of Slide it in as well to double platinum.

In the American version I think ''Still of the night'' is one of the best openers, it's still one of the bands classics. The Led Zeppelin STYLE *not a rip off but a style, in a way Avenged Sevenfold are inspired by Metallica* serves up countless of amazing riffs, and it's a fantastic example of Coverdale's amazing throaty voice. The voice that maybe these days doesn't sound as amazing anymore. I love the raspy voice but it looks like he's struggling a bit. Props for not giving up, saw them live last year and it was great never the less. Not to mention that riff, goose bumps worthy.

''I should have known better than to let you go alone it's times like these I can't make it on my own. Wasted days, and sleepless nights an' I can't wait to see you again. I find I spend my time waiting on your call how can I tell you, babe, my back's against the wall. I need you by my side to tell me it's alright 'cause I don't think I can take anymore.

Is this love that I'm feeling? Is this the love that I've been searching for? Is this love or am I dreaming? This must be love 'cause it's really got a hold on me, a hold on me.''

Deep sigh. The 80's produced so many love songs and the way the world worked back then even the rockers turned kinda soft and released a rock ballad or two or a hundred, I'm looking at you Bon Jovi. I love Is this love, it just ''bleeds'' longing and love and passion and desperation and I guess some days I can really relate. It really is a beautiful song.

You know how I said that Whitesnake were supposed to be hair metal? Maybe. But I mean honestly to me I get this bluesy vibe simmilar to some ZZ Top songs. Hello? Walking in the shadow of Blues? Or like Crying in the rain? Whitesnakes all time greatest heavy blues song. I think blues really is the essence the very core of the bands sound, but maybe through the years they lost that vibe and went more...commercial? Which is maybe why this album was SO succsessfull but also cost them a number of long time loyal fans.

Now the concert. Don't even get me started on how happy I was that for once. Just once a rock band comes to play in this Narnia of a country I call home. The attendance was as expected. People in this country just don't know what music is. To me, a Whitesnake show is not just a random rock show but a chance to see one of the most iconic rock bands of all times, a chance to listen to some of the greatest rock songs, songs that inspired people over the last decades. It's really not just a random 80's hair metal band, it's a band that made a generation of musicians, songwriters, artists, metalheads, music lovers, hell groupies even. I only had the chance to see them this one time, but hey, maybe another time?

The venue was packed, though being a small venue that probably wasn't too hard and the anticipation actually was growing while we waited for them to come on stage. But hey the opening band was really cool. They are called ''The Answer'' they're a Northern Irish hard rock and blues rock band from Northern Ireland and the UK. Really cool guys. They really warmed up the crowd well for the guys. When they left the roadies came on, moving some amps and guitars and working on their finishing touches. Have I mentioned how much I love watching them work? I'd love being a roadie for some huge band like the Stones. Hey, go big or go home right? The lights went out, purple lights came on, the song mix stopped and we knew it was time for the band to come on.

David comes on stage like he owns is and to be fair he does. It was a short set. 14 songs. I don't know, either musicians like GN'R and the Boss and Bon Jovi spoiled me or this is just way too short for me. But as I said David's voice...I'm happy I even got to see them. The first song was ''Bad boys'' and his voice was great, despite all the issues it was strong and clear, not ''good'' like playback good but ''good'' as in real good. The classic ''Slide it in'' was second, hah, such kinky title but still one of my favorite songs and honestly, it sounded as good as it did back in the day. Guys these elder citizens can still fucking rock and blow the venues roof off.

Slide it in was followed by Love ain't no stranger and it was the first time the crowd really reacted. You know, screaming, heavy metal devil horns anywhere you looked. It's always funny looking at the ''sea'' of people on the ground if you're on the seating area *sometimes I like the view* they were all in black with beers in their hands. Hah. This time I stayed dry at least. Usually I end up under a beer shower, not a good thing being shorter then most at a rock show here. Anyways it makes me laugh looking at rockers, metalheads all in black, reminds me of a friend of mine who at a Motley Crue concert where admitedly I was all in black too told me ''how is the band going to see you in a sea of black? Wear fucking yellow next time, get the guitarist to see you and in ten years tell the story of your happy marriage to the press, all because he saw you in the crowd''. Hah. Romantic aint it?

It went on with songs such as The deeper the love, Fool for your loving, Slow an' easy, Crying in the rain, Is this love *I was all hearts and rainbows and cupcakes then, David was like ''Slovenia, is this love?'' and I was done for* and of course, Give me all your love and Here I go again. Amazing guitar, bass and drum solos too. They saved the biggest hit for the encore and I completly lost it when they came back one more time to a huge roar of the crowd for that one song. Know which one? Still of the night of course. Of course I was screaming along every line and the entire venue stood up.

It really was a true rock n roll show any way you look at it. For us, the fans it was a really great night, anyone who didn't like it, well they had to be lost. The rest, who aren't sure yet, I'm sure they were convinced too. I saw a dad that brought his 10 or 11 yearold son, said it was his very first concert. I was rather jealous. There is only one ''first one'' and I don't even remember mine, I was at concerts since I was around 2 years old. I know which concerts but obviously I don't remember. I remember them from like 6 years and on. The kid really loved the show, his dad bought him a band shirt and it was really cool. Parenting done right and all that.

David has this special charisma, he's a showman, the crowd loves him, he's charming, he's not a vocalist he's the vocalist, holds the crowd in the palm of his hand, they do what he asks them to. It's amazing. He's amazing, not everyone from the same era kept that status as one of the best frontmen and as charismatic too. It was a great show, hot summer night, cool people around me, beer, rock music, it was great.

To wrap up this post, the album is amazing, get it, listen to it, love it, it's one of the best 80's rock, metal, hair metal has to offer, and if you get the chance to see them live then you really should do it. If you like them, or metal, or old rock, or hair bands, or you know great music, life, or just having a great time then yeah, you really should go and if you don't like any of those things, well, hell, then just stay at home and watch a couple of idiots chasing a ball on TV or something. And I? Well I'll go get me a couple more of their albums, I can't believe this is the only Whitesnake vinyl I own. Shame on me.

Enjoy your Monday guys, I know it's hell, I know we all hate them, but try making it bearable with some good tunes. And for those in us in Europe, The Walking dead returns tonight, let's hope it's less brutal then the last season premiere or the Supernatural premiere. The feels! Stay strong guys I'll see you on the other side.

Dej vrn se k men.

''Don’t panic, no not yet. I know I’m the one you want to forget, cue all the love to leave my heart, it’s time for me to fall apart.

Now you’re gone, but I’ll be okay, your hot whiskey eyes, have fanned the flames, maybe I’ll burn a little brighter tonight let the fire breathe me back to life.

Baby, you were my picket fence I miss missing you now and then, chlorine kissed summer skin I miss missing you now and then. Sometimes before it gets better the darkness gets bigger the person that you’d take a bullet for is behind the trigger. Oh, we’re fading fast, I miss missing you now and then.''

Sometimes people would say that time heals all wounds, no it doesn't. Some wounds hurt too much, some are too hard to heal, some keep opening over and over again. Sometime they say everything is a life lesson. And what's the hardest lesson I had to learn? That life isn't fair? That losing someone you love is so damn hard it feels like it's going to split my heart apart? Maybe that when in doubt just take a small step, because even a hundred small steps are steps in the right direction. And if you don't know what direction you're supposed to go in? Or maybe that life is too short to spend it hating someone or being miserable? Maybe all of the above...

But you know what I hate most? When people say ''what doesn't kill you makes you stronger''. No. What doesn't kill you completly destroys you instead. Maybe someday when you're out of the storm you smile and say you're stronger because you survived but for the time being it's nothing short of hell.

Where am I going with this? Tomorrow it's going to be 3287 days since I last saw my best friend, and it's a day I'd rather not remember but it's fascinating what our brain remembers most vividly. All the awful painful things we could live without. It's been 9 years and I still can't believe it. It feels like yesterday and it hurts like yesterday. I mean yes, the pain is numb now, it doesn't feel like someone's tearing your chest apart anymore but it's still there, it never really goes away.

You're going to think I'm insane but I don't actually want the pain to go away completly because I am terrified that if it does I will forget. I will forget the little things that matter so much to me. Like that one summer night when we were out stalking a boy I liked with my dog and you were singing that song to me ''let me know when you come back to your senses'' saying that for someone so smart I am acting completly insane. Yeah, I know I was, though you had a laugh when he showed up with his dog and how we just like in 101 Dalmations cartoon got tangled in leashes and fell into the fountain. Good times. I can still hear you laugh and I never want to forget it. Or that little ice cream store where the owner always gave free vanilla ice cream to my dog and having our order ready before we even walked in when he saw us coming down the street. Or how about that one song that I hated, and to be honest I still hate it but when it comes on the radio I always turn up the volume and sing along because I feel like you're right here with me.

Ha, I remember how being sick meant staying in bed together eating crackers and watching Casper and Jurassic park probably twice in the same day, I'd tell you to get away from me before you get sick too but you never cared. Or oh god that one insane day in Vienna? Though I admit, that one I rather don't remember. I remember how you were the only one who gave me nothing but 100% support no matter what I did, what I wanted, what I wished. And that meant everything, having someone that believes in you no matter what. Which is why I was brave and bold and never afraid to reach for my dreams. I remember the first time standing on that stage, everyone said I could never do it, everyone said it's stupid a waste of time, that nobody will like us anyways and you had my back from day one ''believe while others are doubting'' remember? You told me in that backstage to ''stop fucking drinking that much you can't pee during the set'' ha ha ha. I remember when I lost a pet and I was so upset and I called you at 3 in the morning and you said ''whoever you are this better be important'' and all I said was ''sorry for waking you up'' and you said ''sit still I'll be right over''. And that was that. I miss that comfort, I miss your hugs, I miss someone that understands me this much.

I remember taking that ''midnight train going anywhere'' what was it 3 in the morning? And we took the first train out going God knows where. We had so much fun and I still can't believe we weren't caught. Our parents would kill us if they knew. I honestly still don't have the balls to tell them and it's been what 12 years? Hah.

It doesn't really feel it's been that long. Nine years? It feels it's been a year maybe. And sometimes it feels like centuries ago, sometimes it's like it's not real, like I'm going to wake up from a bad dream and you'll sit at the end of my bed giggling going ''let me guess Bon Jovi is an amazing kisser in your dreams?''. It's silly I know but sometimes it's nice to dream. Sometimes the memories are something I'm fond of and sometimes it gets too hard to even breathe. The easiest and most cliche way to put it is that a part of me died with you and the rest shattered into sharp tiny pieces and each time I try to put them together I cut myself. Sometimes getting out of bed and moving on and just taking a breath is hard. Sometimes the song that was playing when we kissed would come on the radio and it would be too much to handle.

Jesus Christ, life is not fair, I miss you so much it's driving me insane. I miss talking to you, I miss that person in my life that never judged me, never once called me stupid not even in a joking matter, the person that supported my craziest ideas and lord knows some of them were really insane. I don't want to be unfair to my friends now, they're amazing, I wouldn't be where I am without them, and I love them all, they're so patient and kind but there's just some things that can't be replaced. You can't be replaced. I am who I am today because of two people, one is you and one is Bruce Springsteen. But you were the one that encouraged me to be me to be original, to stand strong behind my beliefs, to never let people influence me or pretend to be something I'm not just to fit in. You inspired me to persue my dreams, my hopes, to keep drawing because one day I'll be amazing at it, to keep playing guitar because even Slash started somewhere. You told me that no matter what I can't let people take that light that I have, something about me that's so amazing, something I sometimes wonder if it was only visible to you...

And, God, I'm so sorry, so so sorry, for not living up to that one and only request you had. You told me that no matter what I can never change and that's exactly what I did and I'm really sorry. I don't know what happened. I got carried away. It's okay to not be okay right? This world is such a dark place sometimes and life is so hard sometimes but still I am really sorry. I don't love you less, I suppose I only love me less. But hey I'm trying, I'm doing things that would make you proud, I know they would.

There's so many things I wish I could tell you, about my life, about Matt getting married?! I can't believe it. I know what you're thinking ''what in the world?!'' ha. And that super cute guy at the bar? You know which one right? Of course you do I never stopped talking about him anyways. I know you'd have a fit over us dating. ''You really are a bikers daughter aren't you Nikki?'' hah. Remember that Kiss vinyl that you once broke by accident? I still don't know what happened but I got a new copy and played it about a hundred times, I know you loved it. This could go on forever, I have a ton to say, but, for now, I'll wipe the tears off my face and put a smile on it instead.

The truth is, I'm not okay and I won't be for a long while but that's okay because sometimes it's okay to not be okay. You can't keep it together every moment of every day and that's normal, you're only human after all. You're trying and that means more then anything. Sometimes I ask myself ''why the hell am I even doing all this, what's the point?'' and then I literally slap myself because I know when the going get's hard that's no reason to give up and I never did, though sometimes I wish I would. Just crawl back to bed, tell the whole world to fuck off and let me be.

I realized that being lost is alright too, ''not all those who wander are lost'' right? I realized that I can be surrounded by people, people I know and like even or people I never met and feel completly alone because honestly there's just one person that I want next to me. And it's okay to feel that way, sometimes life gets messy like this but that's okay. It's okay to miss someone and it doesn't matter if people around you don't understand it. Maybe they never had what you had, a friendship that amazing, a partner that loving, parents that amazing or even a pet that was such a great companion. I envy these people actually, they never lost someone that important to them so they just don't know the pain.

You know I'm not religious but that's the only thing connected to it that I wish, hope, want to believe is real. When people say ''they're in a better place'' that they're right.

I miss you baby, so much, every damn day, and I love you, just as much as I always did, sweet dreams, I'll come see you tomorrow to update you with all the drama in my life right now. I can almost see you roll your eyes at me right now. Ha.

''Sometimes, at night I let it get to me and sometimes, I'm sure it gets to all of us. And last night it had me down, I'm feeling numb. I can try, but sometimes that is not enough. No, sometimes that is not enough.

And stop calling me out, we're never going to put the pieces back together if you won't let me get better. And stop digging it up, or we're never gonna see it all in bloom.''

God, not Tom, and not today.

You belong among the wildflowers, you belong in a boat out at sea. You belong with your love on your arm, you belong somewhere you feel free.

Sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone, narrow streets of cobblestone. ‘Neath the halo of a streetlamp I turned my collar to the cold and damp. When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light, that split the night and touched the sound of silence.

Disturbed - The sound of silence