Young enough to know I can, old enough to know I shouldn't, stupid enough to do it anyway.

I'm going to tell you a story...a story that fits far better in the blog with a title such as mine ''take a ride on the wild side''? I've done plenty of wild but haven't shared much of it. Today I decided I will. Why? Because it's pouring rain out, because I'm tired and bored with myself and because I need to shut down from recent events and certain people. Because also it's a fond memory...It might get a little explicit though, consider this as a warning...

There's a fair share of bad days in my life, sometimes these bad days turn into weeks and then weeks into months...this is something that happened after a really and I do mean really bad day. I was sitting on the floor of my bathroom crying my eyes out ignoring the world completly. It was just stress, school, family, people asking me what the hell am I planning on doing with my life, people who were young a century ago and have no idea how good they had it...well it was all too much. It still is too much but let's say I found a different coping mechanism. Nothing a drink won't fix. A drink in a shot. Or two. Or three. Moving on...

I learned that ignoring my boyfriend might be a stupid idea that day. He tends to...overeact about some things. So me not anwsering my phone for two hours straight obviously meant I was abducted by aliens and he doesn't have Fox or Scully on his speed dial. His words. Not mine. And if it wasn't the aliens I had to be dead in a ditch somewhere, trust me, at that point I wished it was the latter. He came to check on me, last thing I wanted, explaining why I'm sitting in my bathroom crying when I had no reason for it in the first place. You know that problem though, when someone ask you if you're okay and if you kept it together till that point when those words are out it's like a damn breaks and you just can't keep it together no more. Yeah well that's excatly what happened...

I remember him pulling me in his arms and we stayed in that hug for at least 10 minutes while I counted all my blessings and lucky stars in my head for having someone so caring, loving, selfless in my life. He made me sit on the couch and I just knew what follows...hell. He worries too much, I suppose I know why, he has plenty of reasons to worry when such things happen but let's put it this way I hate being treated like a child, the whole ''sit down and talk to me'' kinda way. Though it started with ''the guys told me...'' instead. They mean well god bless them but telling on people that's so kindergarden. There were things I didn't plan on telling him. Secrets...well not excatly secrets, just things, worries, all the crap that people have been unloading on me. But I did anyways. Why? I don't know excatly...maybe it's those green eyes, I hate seeing any pain or worry in them...maybe it's the fact that I relized that we're in this mess together no matter what...

Or maybe it's the fact that he listens to every word, patiently and always tries his best to help even if he can't. ''Doll, we're going to be okay, these feelings, these dark clouds, they're not going to last forever and if it all goes south then we just pack up and leave it all behind''. I admire his optimism sometimes, I wish I had half of it. I am grateful for it though, for hearing ''you're going to be alright'' instead of a long speach, a lesson, an I told you so. A simple it's going to be okay is all you need sometimes. Then out of nowhere he wipes off my face and grins at me. I know that smile, it usually means trouble. It's perfect but problematic. Hah. So he's on his feet trying to tug me along saying ''come on, we got to go, places to be, stuff to do today''...let's just say that after a moment of me whining about not wanting to move he had enough and picked me up over his shoulder. Didn't even break a sweat. Sometimes I hate that he's so strong. But to be honest despite everything those little carefree moments in a day full of anxiety and stress are worth more then gold. I asked him to put me down a couple of times and what does he do? Chuckles evily and slaps my ass...So I tell him ''that my friend is physical assault'' he only rolled his eyes and carried me to the bedroom. Hm. And tells me to sit on the bed. Alright. This could end totally different but what happened next I did NOT expect. He walkes into my walk in closet and I'm like ''what on earth are you doing in there?''. It took about five minutes before he returned. In my black mini skirt, Nirvana crop top and black shiny high heels. I literally fell off my bed, I laughed so hard. And he puts on a fake frown and goes ''why are you laughing? Just look at me. I look hot. Look at my legs they are fabulous, I'm thinking this is great for my mother's party tonight.''. His.mothers.party.ugh...

I could just die from another fit of giggles when he walked back to the closet holding the wall muttering how the fuck can I walk in those shoes. I only yelled ''you look so hot in them babe'' after him. He came back then in his own clothes, thank god, sat on the bed next to me and we sat there for a while in silence and it was nice, it's such a rare moment for us to be actually alone or just doing nothing or just staying quiet enjoying eachother's company. Then outta nowhere just like before he gets up grabbing my hand, pulling me up and I just knew. I literally knew what follows. He dragged me outside in the cold, pouring rain, we were soaking wet in a matter of seconds. And he dragged me to the middle of the garden smiling like a fool. Have I mentioned how much I love his smile? If not I'm mentioning now, his eyes lit up so perfectly. I really love that damn smile. I get all jello inside when he smiles at me. Not that he smiles often...seems like we both forgot how to do that...

Either way he pulls me close by the waist and goes ''dance with me''. And me being the fool that I am point out that we have no music. You should of seen the look he gave me. Of course, he's a singer, of course we don't need music. And he starts singing ''Bon Jovi's I'll be there for you''. Cute. We danced there in the middle of my garden for about five minutes, soaking wet and it was a perfect moment, despite the cold. I forgot about everything that worries me. Then he stops singing and stands still and just looks at me deep in the eyes and I'm gonna get all sappy but when he looked at me like that and placed his hand on my cheek pushing the wet hair off my face, the world around us just melted away. Literally. I just forgot everything. And he smiles and goes ''I'm so lucky, you know that right?''. It was just...woah. I'm the lucky one. And I love rain with him, and I love being kissed in the rain, and I just love him. Thank you for making me feel better when I'm miserable. I love you so much, words can't even describe how much.

The explicit wild part...No he didn't go to his mother's birthday party in a mini skirt and high heels. Though that would of been fun. I would just love to see her face. We were both dreading the party, him because he knew she can be ''difficult'' and I because well...I am honestly afraid she'll spike my drink with something someday. She didn't. But she might as well...she was already in our hair for coming to the party late. If I never mentioned how terrifying she is I'm telling you now. I didn't want to tease her with any PDA or give her the idea that her son is ignoring his own mother at her own god damn party, so I gave him a quick kiss and walked to the bar. Might as well start drinking early if I want to survive that. Did I point out that my hair was styled, makeup included couple of eyeshadow colors, three different types of foundation and even lipstick? No? Well there you go. Did I mention he was in a suit? Top two shirt buttons open, sleeves rolled up showing all the ink, a jacket hung over his shoulders and Ray bans on his face? It was...oh my god. Safe to say I wasn't completly mellow about that look.

Should I shorten the story a little and just mention how the boyfriend nearly took out a guy three times his size because he was staring down my very open shirt and I decided to get them apart smoothly so instead of actually jumping between them I threw a band of stage and decided to sing a song? With a bottle of tequila in my hand, I'd never done it stone cold sober.

I'm such a clam sometimes I never think, the woman already hated me and I stood on stage wrecking her party? Nice going. Let's say I started thinking when it was too late. So I did the best I could. Huge swig of tequila, called the band back, asked them for a song, that happened to be Pat Benatar's Heartbreaker and sing. It didn't turn out too bad, didn't say it was good but it wasn't a complete disaster either, the boyfriend let go of the guy he was ''choking'' so hey I guess I got the desired effect. I got off stage for a moment there, swapping spit with the man in front of his mother for a second after chorus. What did I say about thinking? I don't think. Specially when tequila is involved. Devil's drink.

I told them ''thank you Nashville good night'' and ran off stage when the song ended to avoid both him and his mother. I knew it would end badly, she'd have something smart to say, he'd feel the need to defend me and the whole thing would get out of hand in a matter of seconds. Not that it helped, while walking through the crowd I bumped right into him, who was grinning telling me that he didn't know I can sing. Neither did I to be honest. He said he loves that there's things he still needs to find out about me and would love to spend the rest of his life figuring them out. Aw. Such a sap. So I told him I have another lesson for him and dragged him outside to the parking lot. It was summer, it was hot, the air was thick with cigarette smoke, party lights and muffled music were pouring out from the slightly open doors but other than that we were alone on a lot full of cars.

I told him there's something I wanted to do all night and started kissing him but you know...the gentleman that he is he told me to stop because I am drunk and he doesn't want to do that drunk on a parking lot. Where's your sense of adventure sometimes I wonder. But the parking lot has cameras, but anyone can walk out of the club at any moment, his mother can walk out any moment. Isn't that what makes things exciting? When I look back to that night I just think of god were we stupid. Seemed like a good idea back then but right now. Not so much.

Long story short and no details because it's not that kinda blog, we were running around the parking lot, chasing eachother like a couple of love sick teenagers, acting silly and drunk on tequila and love. So he caught me, his lips on mine, back pressed against a car. A random car, the lot was full of them, in that heat of the moment none of us really cared what kinda car is it. Thing is...things got really hot really fast, a little too hot. Which you know wouldn't even be such a problem, everyone's done that in a public place at least once no? See the problem is that it wasn't a random car at all but a cop car and the cop just happened to return as we were straightening out our clothes. Bad. Very bad. If you think they have a sense of humor, let me tell you something they don't. And to make matters worse, boyfriend's mother showed up to inform him that they're about to cut the cake and they won't do it without him. Oh god. I don't think I was ever more embarrassed in my entire life then I was back then when the cop explained to my boyfriend's mother what HE thinks was going on outside and his version by the way was far worse then the truth.

Is it weird that I miss moments like that. Not THAT ONE, just like that. When it's just me and him and the world melts away, nobody and nothing matters, we have no worries or fears all we've got is love. That hasn't changed by the way, if anything I love him even more now then I did back then, what did change were our lives. So much stress, so much worrying, so much pointless drama. And for what? For nothing really. We worry and stress over things that don't even matter. How stupid is that? When will we learn to just say ''fuck the world'' and do something crazy again, even if it is making out on the hood of a cop car...

I miss life as it was more then I am willing to admit. But I am grateful that despite everything changing, what we had back then is the same and even stronger today. We were together through hell and back so this storm we're in right now, means nothing. Other people's problems with what we have mean nothing. I love you so much mon cher, forever, that's all that really matters in the end.

Enjoy the weekend guys, I hope it's nicer where you're at. Nothing but pouring rain and flooding here so if you're in the same mess then please, stay safe. And if you're out looking for some fun then be the life of the party.

Another new song. I am screaming. I love them so much.

1984

''I get up, and nothing gets me down. You got it tough. I've seen the toughest all around. And I know, baby, just how you feel. You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real, oh can't you see me standing here, I've got my back against the record machine, I ain't the worst that you've seen. Oh can't you see what I mean?''

I haven't done ''music monday'' in a while so I might as well. I'll try to focus and write down a couple of words even if Panama is blasting in the back and I have this urge to drop the laptop and sing - scream, play air guitar and headbang along to the song. Hah. Boy am I in a dire need of a good rock show. Green day in June can't come fast enough.

So here's the deal. I love Van Halen and I do mean LOVE. What's there not to love? And though this album is so completly different, more pop sounding? then the rest I love it. If there is such thing as a vinyl that dies because it's over played then this one will someday. Along with all my Crue and Skid and Warrant and Elvis obviously. Hah. I'd need double copies of all my favorites I think.

I love how this album starts with a little instrumental tune that goes into ''Jump'' it fits together so well. We all know Jump right? Our rock radio stations over play the shit out of that song. Like Van Halen don't have other *better* music. I like Jump but it's not my favorite, far from it. It's not a song you'd expect Van Halen to make at all, the suspended chords and that Asia wanna be bass...yeah alright. And don't get me started on that synthesizer riff that starts the song. When you've got Eddie Van Halen why on earth would you use a synthesizer instead of a guitar? Though I think I read somewhere that it was actually Eddie's idea to have that kinda riff in the song. I bet Roth and Templeman were ''over the moon'' over that idea hah. Well it paid off hasn't it? Everyone I know only knows Jump. Hello? Panama? Drop dead legs? Hot for teacher? Eruption? Romeo delight? On fire? Runnin with the devil? Can't stop lovin you? No? Nothing? Alright then...I am just glad that the lyrics and guitars in Jump save it from being a complete mainstream pop disaster thank god.

Could you ever imagine that a synthesizer not a guitar would put Van Halen on top? Yes? No? Is that only crazy to me or what? If I remember correctly that's excatly what happened though, previous five records all went platinum and a festival in 1983 for ''only'' 1,5 million. So they all knew bigger things are yet to come, I think that the whole how big and how different is what surprised everyone.

So how to recover after something like Jump? Panama of course! Of my god I love that song! The guitars! It's a song that goes great along songs such as Aint talkin bout love. And aparently makes me want to headbang and sing along. I do love that song. Anthony's bass? Amazing. And the whole point of it just makes me laugh. Roth said he wrote that song as a response to the critics saying that all he writes about are strippers and cars when in fact he never wrote a song about a car.

Then you've got ''Hot for teacher''. One of the heaviest songs on the album. No doubt one of my favorites too. Picking favorites amongst songs about strippers and sex. I'm going to hell someday aren't I? Hot for teacher is obviously all about sex. Teenage boys and a sexy teacher, we've all been there before haven't we? We had a P.E. teacher once...and he...well...I understood the whole hot for teacher thing first thing I laid my eyes on him, it didn't help that he was a P.E. teacher, in a tank top and shorts...alright enough about that. Hah. The song is great but I think it's the video that brought it all the attention and fuss over it. In case you haven't seen it, it's pretty much just a class room that turns into a strippers runway and a teacher in a bikini fawning over some teens. So safe to say this video pissed off a lot of people one of them being the Parent Music Resource Center which protested its sexually explicit nature, however, such complaints did them no good instead they simply fueled sales, extending 1984’s success as well as becoming one of the most successful and influential videos for a young MTV. Tough luck aye? I'd pay good money to see their faces after that happened.

This album also features songs such as Top Jimmy, Drop dead legs, I'll wait, Girl gone bad and House of pain, which I assure you despite the title there's a lot more pleasure in it then pain. And it has my favorite story tied to it. Y'all know how much Gene Simmons annoys me right? I mean I love Kiss, great band, great music but Gene's mouth is getting on my nerves. What was that his son said once? That Gene is the ''Donald Trump of Rock n' Roll''. True story. Anyway in the early days of the band before they were the Van Halen we know today, they recorded a demo that later became House of pain and sent that demo to Gene Simmons and here's the fun part. His managment said that the band has no chance of ever making it. Which is why this amuses me so much, putting that song as a last song on their most successful album? Brilliant.

But you know nothing lasts forever all good things must end and all that and even if 1984 was so big the band was still falling apart. I don't know if Roth quit or if he was fired or if it was just that they were so different when it comes to personality and musical style and if that is what forced them apart in the end. So Roth went on staying true to hard rock and released an EP called Crazy from the heat and then later a solo album titled Eat em and smile. I think they're both pretty great but sadly he couldn't repeat the success he got with Van Halen. While the band on the other hand moved on with a new singer, new style, bigger audience, more money and obviously a lot more creative freedom. Though of course Deja vu and all that history would repeat itself with Hagar as well but unlike 1984 that was a huge game changer this time the results of conflict weren't quite as good.

Anyway I think this album is amazing, they put rock on a whole new and different level and I think it's great. If you're into hard rock, rock, metal, or just looking for something new pick it up, turn it up loud and enjoy it. And for the love of god please don't ask me again if I recommend vinyl or CD's more. CD's are the spawn of Satan. Please, for the love of everything holy get vinyl instead. You'll thank me when you'll see how amazing music can sound.

Enjoy the music, have a great week and stay safe out there guys.

P.S. Isn't the album cover of this record just perfect? I love it.

Yeah, we're runnin' a little bit hot tonight. I can barely see the road from the heat comin' off of it. Ah, you reach down, between my legs, ease the seat back. She's blinding, I'm flying, right behind the rear-view mirror now. Got the feeling, power steering, pistons popping, ain't no stopping now! Panama, Panama...

''To live a creative life we must lose our fear of being wrong''

''Memories and plans forgone, pave the way for fear to spawn, to find a vein to feast upon. Hoping I become undone, but I'm not afraid. I'm unbreakable, can't defeat me, though I'm bleeding, Unbreakable, though I'm bending, I'll never break.''

Alright I know I promised a different blog today...and I'll post that one too I promise. Something different first, I was distracted. Distracted by fear. You heard me. Fear. I don't even know, is it anxiety, is it actual fear, am I going completly insane? I don't know what is it. I'm probably losing that last bit of sanity I was proud to *still* have.

You're supposed to always do exacty what you're afraid of. That means growth and growth can be painful. Aparently you're supposed to fail in life sometimes because if you don't you're not trying hard enough. I still believe that there is no such thing as failure, just lessons. Every ''failure'' teaches you something, brings you closer to something, or maybe on a different path altogether.

But the problem is that fear can consume you. Fear can hold you back from doing something you want to do, something you have to do. Fear can hold you back from someone...it can hold you back from being the best version of yourself. Fear is actually a prison. My friend used to tell me ''sugar, this is our world, beautiful and horrible things will happen, don't be afraid to live''. I miss him so much so much to be honest. I didn't know fear with him. I wasn't lost before. It's amazing how losing someone most important to you can fuck you up so badly. 2754 days later it still feels raw, it still hurts, it still makes me want to scream and cry and give up everything because life is so unfair. And what I hate most is that he would be so angry at me. Angry because of so many things I said I will do and I never did. It was easier to hide. Easier to never be brave and never follow my dreams. Easier to stop living and just surviving instead.

And the thing is I have so many regrets. I missed out on so much. So many experiences, so much life, so much...of everything. I regret the chances I didn't take and the memories I didn't make. And I learned the hard way that regret is way scarier then taking chances, even big scary ones. Regret is worse...

I took so many wrong turns, made so many bad decisions that I can barely count them. Which is why I decided that enough is enough. Maybe sometimes you have to wait to see where the cards fall, see how things play out. Maybe sometimes a decision you consider as a huge failure or regret and seems like the most catastrophic thing in the world isn't all that after all. Maybe it can end as something extraordinary. I think some of life's wildest journeys and best experiences can actually start by taking a wrong turn. So maybe being lost isn't the worst thing in the world?

Someone once told me ''fear is control of those who are afraid''. It was a different context but same thing. I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to let fear control me, or influence my decisions. Thing is I am not okay, I am sad, I am hurt, angry, mad, disappointed and I have every right to be. But you know what? I'll put on a brave fucking face and move on. I am completly lost, the path I thought I was walking on disappeared a long time ago but that's alright. I found a new one, and though I am afraid...absolutelly terified to even step on it, I will. I will tackle life straight on like a head on collision and see what it brings me. I know my family doesn't agree, I know I might be doing another huge mistake, but thing is, I don't want to sit here again in 5 years writing another post about things I regret. No. I want to write a post about things I accomplished, things I've seen, people I've met.

I want to learn how to love myself. How to love my life. How to make the best out of it. I want to enjoy the little things like waking up when the entire world is still asleep, drink hot coffee, listen to the first birds sing and watch the sunrise. I want to be able to go to the train station, buy a ticket to nowhere and just get lost for a few days, experience something new, meet someone on the train that's wearing my favorite band's shirt or reading my favorite book and start a conversation, make a new friend...I've got to stop taking things personally and let them hurt me. I have to STOP letting people's opinions of what's best for me control what is actually best for me. Maybe I don't know either but I sure as hell know better then people who don't know me.

I need to learn how to let go, how not to get upset or hurt over things that won't even matter in 6 months no more. I wanna get lost at an art fair or a music festival, complimenting random people about things they're insecure about. I got to stop worrying about what to tell people, how to make some fake excuses for myself, I don't need to explain myself to anyone. What you see is what you get you either like it or you don't. I got to stop worrying about other people's opinions about me, guess what? They don't matter. They don't know me. People love to talk but they'll never know what they're talking about in the first place. And I got to stop stressing myself about everything and everyone. I just need to stop being afraid of everything and breathe.

Life is supposed to be like art, messy, bold, colorful, different, amazing, influence your emotions...so that's why to everyone doubting me, everyone forcing their opinions down on me, everyone saying what I should be doing in my life instead of asking me what I really want to do, everyone convinced they know what's best for me, everyone who made me so afraid of everything with their doubts and ideas...Hakuna Matata bitches, you only live once and it's about time I actually start living. I'm going to do whatever the hell I want to from now on and I won't listen to anyone anymore. If I want that damn tattoo I'll get it, if I want to go out take a couple of tequila shots and dance the night away I will, if I don't want to accept the job you're offering me because you think I need any job I can get just so I'm working I won't take it, life is too short to be anything but happy. And if the path I chose to follow doesn't feel right for you I won't care. I know it's right, because it's what I want and that's the only thing that matters. You know what I have to say to that? Make mistakes, make as many as you can, get lost, change your college major 5 times if you have to, get a carreer in political science because there's no way you'll get a job, live, laugh, breathe, so one day when you look back you won't be guessing what you want to be, and you won't be lost and most importantly, you won't have any regrets.

Learn how to be...

Bring me back to life.

I'm breathing in and breaking down, I feel my time is running out, the fire in my heart will burn me to the ground.

I did my part, I tried my best the things I'm fighting to protect always shatter into pieces in the end.

I'm broken and I'm barely breathing, I'm falling cause my heart stopped beating. If this is how it all goes down tonight, if this is how you bring me back to life. This is what it's like when we collide if this is how you bring me back to life.

I'm up in blood, abundant dry my heart's been beating all the time to help this broken body live another night.

Battlecry, is the damage done? Who has lost and who has won? Who will be there when my life's support is gone?

I'm breathing, I lost all feelings, I'm barely breathing, still holding on...

I'm broken and I'm barely breathing, I'm falling cause my heart stopped beating if this is how it all goes down tonight, if this is how you bring me back to life...

We don't have to say goodbye

I believe there are different types of heartbreak, because there are different types of love. Like, falling in love with someone you can't have...in those cases you don't need alcohol and smokes to kill you in twenty plus years, you'll be dying daily. Or heartbreak when you lose your best friend, due to an accident, or due to them stabbing you in the back as soon as you turn around. Heartbreak when someone you trust unconditionally breaks that trust and betrays you. Heartbreak when you lose something, someone you really love. And the most obvious one, the heartbreak when things go wrong with the person you thought was your happily ever after...

It's a different heartbreak I'm going into in this post though...

As I stated before, I grew up with rock n' roll music. I love it, no doubt about it. But there was a different type of music that will always be my favorite as well. Punk rock, pop punk type of music. Rock n' roll, old rock, classic rock, hard rock, metal, heavy metal...that was my parents influence. I listened to all their favorite bands because I didn't know different. I'm not complaining of course, they raised me on the best music out there, made me appreciate artists that not only made amazing music but changed history. Artists like Chuck Berry who literally IS rock n' roll...

When I got a bit older, at around 11 or 12 years old I strayed from that path a little and discovered my own music that I enjoyed. Like Simple plan. They are a band I grew up with, a band I love differently and more then all the rest. But don't worry this is not about them...again. Hah. This is about another band I loved for a long time...

Yellowcard

They announced they are breaking up in June 2016 and believe me that was a knife straight to the heart. One more album, one more tour and then goodbye forever. I'm having a hard time coping with that not going to lie. I didn't get to see them live, didn't get that ''last goodbye'' maybe that's why it hurts that much more.

There used to be a time when I was so lost and their lyrics made me feel so much better...lyrics such as...

''Maybe someday I will see you again. And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend.''

''Everything is gonna be alright, be strong. Believe. Think about the love inside the strength of heart.''

''I just want to tell you so you know. Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you. You are my only one. I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do.''

''We're looking up at the same night sky. And keep pretending the sun will not rise. Be together for one more night. Somewhere, somehow.''

''Cause I feel like I'm inside out. You got me upside down. Maybe I was holding on too tight. Even if I wanted to. I don't think that I'd get to you.''

''Yes I miss you still and probably always will. I'm living with a busted heart that I will have until I find the strength I know it's somewhere in my bones, to pull the curtain up again and get on with this show.''

''Say tomorrow, I can't follow you there. Just close your eyes and sing for me, I will hear you always near you and I'll give you the words, just sing for me. No looking back when I am gone follow your heart, it's never wrong, no looking back when I am gone don't second guess the note you're on. Out of time all out of fight you are the only thing in life that I got right.''

I am just heartbroken. So many good memories and some not so good tied to these lyrics, those songs. My best friend and I would lie on the roof of his garage at night during the summer, drinking cheap wine and talk about our future like we knew what we're going to do or where we're going to go. We used to talk about space and love and music and people. Everything and nothing really. And it's the only thing I miss in life. Wasting time with my best friend.

It just...hurts. That's all there is to it. I watched their last video this morning and well if it didn't feel final then it sure does now. The video was their last goodbye.

“Just sing your hearts out, I know it hurts. I see you. But please keep singing.”

That's what Ryan said, it brought on both tears and a smile. At the end of the day, despite how much it hurts this is what they want, they know why, and I respect that. If they are happy so am I. It's going to hurt like hell and I will miss them like crazy but like he said ''keep singing''. If I ever get lonely I know all I got to do is take my Ipod and you'll be right there.

So how do you say goodbye to a band that defined you? A band that has been there for you all through your teen years? A band you screamed the lyrics along to when some local bands played their covers...a band that got you into this type of music, helped you meet a lot of amazing people. A simple thank you could never be enough. But let me try anyways...

Thank you Ryan, Sean, Dez and Josh for always being a constant in my life, thank you for showing me a whole new world of music. Thank you for making me love something new and different. Thank you for helping me become who I am today. Thank you for helping me create the best memories with people I won't ever forget. Thank you for all the friendships you helped me make. Thank you for the careless, reckless, free summer nights. Thank you for the music, for the lyrics, for all the laughter and happiness. Thank you for everything you gave us, you may be ''gone'' not but you won't ever be replaced. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You feel it, you boxed it by the youth you left behind. Does anybody see you anymore? But if we can get free, there's a big bright world to see, forget about the way it felt before.

Try to breathe the air that's here and now try to find some peace in falling out.

We don't have to say goodbye but we can't get lost in time, I'll be yours and you'll be mine, maybe in another life.