You're not alone, you're with me.

Today's post is a shorter one. A different one. About a man I admired for a long time. Austin Carlile. I remember posting this picture back in the day when my family cared about Christmas and they'd ask me what I wanted…

Quite honestly that's still one of the only things I want.

I was going through an old blog the other day, reading a post about their concert in Austria I've seen. Actually I haven't seen a full set. They were the opening band for Linkin park and honestly now that I think about it I only bought that ticket to see Of mice and men. Yes I am, always was, always will be, a huge fan of Linkin park but for that particular show I only had tickets because of Mice. I'm so thankful now that I did because if I didn't…I'd never see Linkin park live, well or Mice since Austin left the band a while back…

They played Public service announcement, Feels like forever, Bones exposed, Would you still be there, Another you, Identity disorder, The depths and You're not alone. Which are all my favorite songs. But You're not alone is my by far favorite. If Austins voice singing ''you're not alone, you're with me'' doesn't make you feel safe and comforted then nothing will.

This is the only album I ever bought online and on preorder too. The only one. True love right here folks. I remember counting down the days till I got it and then listening to it for the first time and it was….woah, you know…rainbows and unicorns and all that. I smiled and I cried and felt a million emotions at once it was amazing.

When I bought those tickets to see them, I broke down sobbing, and I doubt I ever cried so many happy tears in my life. I love them as a band, as musicians, as a whole, but it's Austin that's really what pulled me to this band. I say I never had a role model, someone to look up to, but he is it. The closest to describing him is my hero, he went through so much in his life, still is and he's still standing strong. A fighter. I only wish I could be ''tough as nails'' like he is.

The concert in Austria….hah happiness aside, I cried so much, first because they were on stage and then because they were real, and they were perfect, and the music, and the lyrics, and Austins bright smile, and then when he said ''this is our last song'' and when that song was ''You're not alone'' it was like a waterfall. I couldn't contain my emotions any longer. I'm not one to idolise someone but him….he really is my hero, and watching him on that stage, where he belongs, with that smile and the crowd reacting to his every move…it was amazing. I miss that, though I'm sure he misses it more.

Restoring force is just what the title says. It helps me restore my force when I need a moment to catch my breath. I turn it up loud and get lost in the voice , the lyrics, the music. It's amazing how much it can help. And it's also amazing how far Austin came, from that scene band Attack Attack to Of mice and men to…whatever it is he's working on now, which btw, I can't wait to hear. ..

This album reminds me a bit of Slipknot, small wonder given that they probably were one of the influences. I love the parts with clean vocals as well, Austin isn't just a post hardcore , heavy, death core singer, his voice is really nice. To me Public service announcement is one of the band's heaviest songs ever recorded and one of the best heaviest songs in general, such a great opener to an amazing album with intense vocals, perfect lyrics and great guitar riffs. It's full of dark emotion and that's exactly what makes it so perfect. Exposing not just the beautiful but also the ugly.

I love the album because it's angry. Confrontational. Enraged. You can hear it in Public service announcement and in You make me sick which is an obvious attack and paints a pretty picture of how I feel about a number of people in my life.

I know that this album didn't get all perfect reviews but I honestly couldn't care less. To me it's absolutely perfect. And not just the music but also the band and how they treat their fans. Austin and his treatment of fans like they're family is the sweetest thing. He is the sweetest thing.

''He told me: ''If you want to cut yourself, then you're going to take my arm, look me in the eyes, and cut as many times as you would yourself.'' I told him: ''No, I could never hurt you like that.'' And then I just understood. Everything. It all made sense.''

I'm writing this down today because I've been following Austins recent fight with his disease on IG and he just reminded me how strong he is. How amazing he is. How he can pick himself up after every single thing life throws at him and I sure hope he keeps doing that. Because if there's anyone I wish nothing but happiness to, then it's him.

I love you Austin, stay strong, you got this.

Life is no bed of roses

Would you believe it if I told you that once upon a time I loved standing in front of the camera not behind it? One of my close friends is a photographer, he taught me a lot of tricks and great tips I know today, but before he ''made it big'' we'd always mess around. Mess around as in he'd put a ton of makeup on me and took a ton of pictures. I miss those days a lot actually. Maybe not so much trying to get tons and tons of white paint and fake blood out of my hair and face but our hanging out being ''young and stupid'' that I do miss.

Fun times when I open the front door once forgetting that my face is covered in fake blood. I think the woman on the other end had a heart attack on the spot. I'd feel bad but she was from the church. You know how allergic I am to those people...

That's not the only thing I miss though, I miss art. I miss going out just to take pictures and I miss drawing. Lately I haven't been good at it at all, in all 8 months I managed to finish up two drawings, one of which you see on the right side and safe to say I didn't feel either were 100% what I can do. I mean don't get me wrong I did my best gave all I got but I feel it's just not it. And it frustrates me. Art, photography is one thing that gave me confidence that I was always able to say that I know I'm good. Now what? When describing me people always say ''artist'' or ''artistic type'', so if I can't even do that, what do I got left? What's left of me? I know inspiration comes and goes, I know THE Hemingway had writers block too, but how long can it last?

So in the spirit of whining in self pity and missing these things I'll share a fun memory with you.

I had the pleasure of drawing a live model just once in my life, not a naked one, just this models face actually and it was that much better because he's a really famous one with a face that was probably carved by angels. Even better to draw because his features are so nice and smooth that the pencil probably could outline them on it's own. Let's keep his name private because this really isn't about him, it's about the experience.

It was a few years back when I found myself in the same restaurant as him, both there with other people, both ditched, both bored. He saw me sketching a church and asked me to sit down next to me. I knew who he was and obviously I enjoyed the attention. He asked me if I could draw something else too, like a face. And I replied with ''yours maybe since it's so pretty''. I should really hold my mouth shut sometimes shouldn't I?

''So you're not religious?'' he asked me, probably thinking I was given that there I am in the middle of Italy, sketching a god damn church and downing down Jack Daniels shots. ''What do you believe in then? Love?''. ''Sometimes''. ''Friendship?''. ''God no''. He smirked and leaned back. ''Sex?''. ''Yes, very much so''. A wolfish grin appeared on his face. It was absolutely stunning I'm telling you. A face carved by the angels. ''Music?''. ''Totally, 365 days of the year.''. Another hot smirk like he knew just what he was doing. But probably he did.

''I thought so, I can imagine that guitar pick around your neck isn't just decoration...what do you play?''. ''My dad's old telecaster''. ''Nice!'' What does he know about guitars? I never asked though, maybe looks are deceiving and he does know things about guitars and music and what not. ''Music is your talent then?''. ''Passion if nothing else''. I don't do bragging, I can't say I'm talented in music. I love it but really...is it talent? It's been a long time since I played last. ''I see, so you're talented in music, you speak a few languages, so that's a talent too, I've seen some of your photography work and I was impressed...don't tell me you have more hidden talents?''. I think the whiskey made me brave because I wasn't holding back on flirting with him at that point. Told him I have two more hidden talents. ''I could show you but...it would end bad...since this talent of mine...involves...activities...''.

Subtle wasn't my middle name back in the day. But the soft blush appearing on his cheeks was adorable. One would imagine that a model can't be thrown for a loop with a few simple innocent words.''And the other?'' he asked me then. ''Really wanna know?'' I remember he was a bit wary but he nodded anyways probably just waiting for another shoe to drop while I just laughed at him and grabbed a fresh sheet of paper and a pencil. ''What are you doing?''. ''Sit down, shut up and look pretty. If anything posing shouldn't be hard for you''. He just smiled but come on what's true is true? And I had a really good excuse to stare at him for more then a few seconds. Back in those times drawing was easy, few quick strokes and the outline of his face and smile was done. I wasn't struggling with it like I do today.

While I was drawing and glancing back from the paper and back to him I noticed he was looking at me too the entire time. But his face, really beautiful. Perfect golden ratio. He was easy to draw. It took me what an hour to draw him out with all the shading and we had a nice conversation while I drew. So after it's done I ask him if he's ready after he said yes I turn the paper over so he can take a look at his own face smiling on the paper.

And this is a proud moment for me because it was the first and only time someone just sat there looking at my drawing, mouth open, eyes wide. Amazed. And that is a moment like no other. I imagine that's how a singer feels when 90 000 people sing their lyrics back to them. I never got the same effect from anyone ever again. ''Amazing''. ''It's nothing, compared to others I'm an amateur''. Shaking his head slowly he looked at me all serious and sincere. ''Never doubt yourself, even the great Mikelangelo started somewhere''. It was cute the way he pronounced Michelangelo. But comparing us? He had to be crazy. I thanked him for it though about 10 times. He gave me so much drive, encouragment and inspiration and will to carry on when I wanted to give up. Which is why I'm typing this down now. I think I needed to be reminded that it's going to be alright and I'll find my ground again. I'll be able to draw again and smile and just live without a ton of baggage pulling me down.

We had lunch together at that hotel that day and when we said goodbye he told me ''By the way, I want that drawing when it's done, so I can brag around with it when you get famous one day''. It still makes me laugh today. But isn't that all that's needed sometimes? Some encouragment? Some compassion, some human to human contact, being nice to eachother? People should do that more often. The world would be a lot nicer then.

Bonus; here's one of the pictures from those ''shootings'' the friend and I used to do. One of my favorite ones actually. ''Stuck in the 80's''. High waisted jeans, shoulder pads, too much lip gloss and eyeshadow, a ton of hairspray and tons of fun.

I wish I could wake up with amnesia, and forget about the stupid little things.

Have you ever been stuck between two options and had no idea what to chose? Which way to go? How do you decide if both ways are wrong? Each for their own reasons. I guess one is the ''right one'' and the other one is the one you should take. If you weren't a selfish self centered asshole, then maybe you'd know what's the right thing to do. Maybe. How do you even know what's right? How do you determine right and wrong? I'm not talking about good and evil here mind you, I'm talking about, loving people that aren't good for you, forgiving people that don't deserve it, people that done nothing but hurt you, taking the high road, swallowing down your pride instead of lashing out at people that would deserve it.

There's so many feelings, so much drama and bullshit keeping me up all nights, driving me half crazy. And the only thing that should make sense, the only thing that should be obvious. Well it's not. It's more complicated then everything else. It's like I said so many times before, love isn't always enough. Sometimes love is just love, it's not magical, it's not a fairytale. It's not a movie, it's just a feeling that instead of lifts you up completly destroys you.

It's hard to believe how this time last year my biggest issue was something so petty as saying ''I don't know which color to paint my nails'' and these days I'm chosing between lawyers, courts, business plans, putting in order paperwork I know nothing about, losing sleep over the pain the family has caused me, wanting to scream, tear, bite and cry as if it would help me any.

I think everything is collapsing again, things are comming down on me again and the thing is I saw it coming really, all the hell I've been through this year, I didn't have time to process, I didn't have time to be sad, I didn't have any time for me, just bills, and worries, and pain, and sadness, and worrying...I feel so broken up inside it's hard to explain. I lost so much in my life, so much of my life, and some things can never be replaced. Things are just things but people can never come back. Or lost time. I feel like most of my teenage and early 20's were ruled by sadness and pain and heartache. Times lost feeling like that can never be back. I guess some wounds just never heal.

I'm having a hard time processing loss, grief, pain, I never had anyone to turn to about it, nobody understands, people say it gets better, it gets easier, but it never really did, it keeps on hurting. And they can't understand because they themselves never were in it, never felt this kind of pain. It sometimes feels like I can't even breathe. It's unbearable.

All I ever wanted was some understanding, a family, but it would appear that some god above or the universe or the world or whatever else had different plans for me. I could never imagine in the craziest dreams that I would be the person people usually write stories about, to be treated like I was treated by so many people, to have so many bad things happen to me. And to be fair I feel so lost and so lonely and so sad and so tired. All I want is for this nightmare to end. To feel something but sadness again. Anything is better then the life I'm living right now but I guess truth to be told, I'm losing hope that it will ever be better.

Moj lipi andjele pogledaj u mene, ako nas tuzne jutrom probude ja cuvam osmijeh za tebe.

It's happening guys. I'm going mainstream. Lol as if. No but it's no secret which blogs are most popular, travel, lifestyle, makeup, hair, fashion, etc. Sometimes I feel as if I'm the only person on this planet reading something a little more…complex.

But thing is, I would LOVE to be a travel blog, hell traveling, trying things, experiencing things, see new places and cultures, write about it and get paid? Fuck me that sounds like the perfect job right there. But reality is what it is. As much as I want to I don't have the time or money to travel as much as I'd love to.

Which doesn't mean that I don't have plenty stories to actually share about my past travels. I've seen a lot of cool places already but never really shared any words about it, purely because this is not the theme of my blog. Generally I wanted to write about music and art, two things I love most but that doesn't mean I can't make some space for different things I also love.

A dream of mine has been a Mustang coupe, or a big mean looking Harley Davidson, open road in the States, route 66 and nothing but time, stopping where you want to stop. But that's nothing more then wishful thinking. What isn't though is the fact that I actually already did the whole road trip with a car, not a Mustang but a VW van and not through the states but Croatia.

It wasn't as cool as a Hippy van it was a different model, and it wasn't as cool as a few months in America but Croatia is a beautiful country. Or at least it used to be, I'm sceptical about all the hotel buildings and industry around the most beautiful parts, polluting the nature and oceans but who am I to judge. Haven't been in Croatia for at least 15 years. Well the sea side, I've been to Zagreb a lot in the past years.

I actually have nothing but fun and fond memories to those times. When we used to be at the sea side four to five times a year. Money wasn't an issue. Family was as families should be. Everything was just right.

So the trip I'm about to write about was 17 years ago almost to the day, so I apologize for the pictures being pictures of pictures. We weren't as cool to have digital cameras then and currently my scaner is down. Sucks. All pics were still taken by me (except the ones of me), my interest for photography started pretty early on.

I have a notebook about this trip, notes, photos, brochures, tickets, bills…all the works.

The goal was to come all the way to Lastovo, that's an island in the Dubrovnik – Neretva part of the country which actually consists of 46 islands. We weren't sure we'll make it that far over 600 km and we were stopping along the way a lot, but we ended up making it even farther. To Dubrovnik or should I say ''Kings landing''? Hah. Which is my favorite city in Croatia.

We left Slovenia at one am on day one and drove through the night, summers in Balkan are pretty hot so to avoid traffic jams and heat we left at night. I remember seeing a ton of police and stopping at the first open bar a bit over the border.

We arrived at Plitvice national park before six am. Plitvice are one of the oldest and also largest national parks in Croatia, one of the most beautiful parks on the planet also and protected by the UNESCO. The park is so amazing and unique because there are 16 small lakes with waterfalls. There is also the river Korana and dense forests all around. You can also find caves and meadows and most likely bears. I mean we haven't seen any but we've been told that they are there as a protected animal species. Tthere's panoramic electric trains and silent electric boats which make the entire ride that much more interesting.

Plitvice at six in the morning were awfully cold given that later on when we continiued our trip through ''Velebit'' which by the way is extremly boring to drive through and there were still war remains there and we made it all the way to Šibenik where the temparature was well over 35 celsius. I remember parking the van somewhere by the beach and going to town to check it out. Did I say how I love ocean view? If I could I'd live on the beach. Yes yes I know during the winter that's not so perfect but honestly waking up to the ocean instead of concrete? That is priceless.

We went on then, to Trogir, I liked it there, nice city. You can just tell you're in Dalmatia, palm trees ocean breeze haha no but really, palms, city walls, white stone and fucking heat. We saw Bernie Ecclestones monster yacht docked there ''Petara'' only 58 meters long and ONLY 35 000 000 dollars worth yacht. Seriously? Damn son! It's a damn pretty boat I gotta say and the best part, the name came from combining his daughters names ''Petra and Tamara''. We've been told we missed Michael Schumacher for just a day. Shame. I remember this so clearly because of the bar we were in. When I was a child I was always loved and spoiled by waiters and hotel staff. So this one was no different, I was super tired, half asleep (you try sleeping in a moving hot van) and to cheer me up the waiter brought me a ''funny'' drink…

That day ended in a camp in Seget. Great camp but awful ocean, too dirty for swimming. Not too nice. After a long day of driving in a hot car you can't even freshen up in the ocean. What I remember most about this holiday though was the fact that I had to get up everyday at the crack of dawn like a god damn fucking rooster. Now sorry but to me getting up early aint no damn vacation.

Trip led us on to Split where we were about to board a ferry. That part was actually interesting. We were driving on streets by the ocean and through small villages with typical houses for the area and those bushes with flowers that have the most amazing colors. There was also one of those planes that they use for putting out forest fires, practicing right above the highway. I never saw one in action so that was cool. Much more when it's just a drill rather then a serious thing which btw happened on our way back about a month later when we just barely escaped a wild fire. We watched it coming closer and closer to the highway and five minutes after we crossed a section of it it was closed by the police due to the fact that it wasn't safe.

Waiting for the ferry from Split to Lastovo gave us enough time to see the city. Filthy city. And super expensive ferry rides. Word of advice? Don't travel with a van if you plan on going to an island. To kill the time we went to check out Diocletian's palace which is just amazing and up a belltower which had a view that could make you cry, this picture is too nice not to post an original so here it is the scanned version, back from the days when the scanner still worked. Also one of my pictures I'm most proud of. Can I just point out though how worried we were that the bell will go off while walking around it? Ha ha. That would of been…uh fun.

After lunch when we went back to the ferry we met a lady with a young baby owl in her arms. Not something you see a lot in those nicks of the woods. She told us that they found her with a broken wing and they were taking care of her, she let me pet it. Such an adorable little thing. Ferry trip was nice, calm waters, nice breeze, more then welcome in the heat. We sailed by Hvar and Korčula, more specifically Vela Luka, where if you're paying attention lately their beloved singer Oliver Dragojevič was burried just a few days ago. A burrial unlike any other I ever saw. But I suppose only fitting a send off worthy for a legend.

With all the ''pit stops'' the ferry arrived to the island we were headed to after 5 hours. I mean jesus christ I could possibly swim faster. Well maybe not then but today? Most likely. Not to mention we had quite a drive before us before we got to where we were headed. Meeting old family friends somewhere in the center of the island, which btw is not full of people, mostly thick nature and we only got lost three times. There were no GPS devices then you know. I speak fluent Croatian mind you but people over there I had a difficulty understanding. Accents. Worst thing on the planet. I saw a pink lizard there. Come to think of it I think it was a Croatian gecko.

We spent a couple of days there on the island with those family friends, their house was always full of laughter and people, like Italian families you know. I made friends with their youngest son Mateo and we played together with all kinds of animals they had there, goats, chickens, hens…especially enjoyable was watching sailboats and their owners, wanna be sailors, trying to dock or anchor a boat and not to mention their knot tying? I was 9 at the time and I could do those knots or lowering an anchor better then they did. It's not rocket science people.

Ocean there was really nice and clean but filled with sea urchins, I can't stand those. And we also saw a tiny electric ray, it wasn't dangerous given that it was just a baby. Of course family ate their full of seafood there, I wasn't a vegetarian at the time but some things really disgusted me, boiling lobsters in hot water alive? Are you all insane?! So the family we were staying at made pizza for me instead, on olive oil and you know what? It beats any Italian pizza I tried and I have tried a lot of them.

We used a day on the island to go to town and see the old city center. Which is something else no modern architecture and nothing but fields and vines around it. Completly different people too, super sweet and nice. That night there was possibly too much wine when all the neighbours joined us and all the women started singing, very loudly and off key may I add. Family was all busy trying rose booze which I was clearly too young to try but the smell alone was amazing. It's made from a special type of rose that only grows on the island. Don't think I didn't try it when the family wasn't looking by the way.

On the way back we were literally sleeping in the van at the side of the road somewhere in the port like a couple of gypsies because we couldn't risk missing the ferry that only leaves once a day. I think we got up that night at 4 in the morning. What did I just say about vacation? None of it. We saw dolphines in the water that morning. Morning light, calm waters and dolphines following the ferry jumping out. Can you wish for anything nicer? I only saw them once later when we were sailing with our sailboat they were also following us and when sitting at the very edge of the boat you could touch them. It was really amazing. When anchoring in a small bay then we saw them jumping out of the water. Such a perfect kitchy scene, ocean, sunset and dolphines playing.

We left the ferry in Vela Luka then and found a camp site in Korčula. Korčula is beautiful, the trademark cannons, old city center, church and of course Marco Polo house. They have a specific ''fish bone'' type of houses because of the winds. There was a special boat docked there ''Vip net Broadway show'' we could listen to the music while walking through town and all the way to the camp site.

After a few more days there we left for Dubrovnik. It wasn't the plan but we weren't far and I was nagging daily that I want to go there. I was there years before and fell in love. Literally. Of course waiting for another ferry was endless. It really is, I felt like 90% of the vacation was waiting for those damn boats. And generally I wouldn't care but when it's noon and 40 C on the sun, then it's no fun. The road back on the mainland is amazing, by the ocean and all you can see is crystal clear water. On the way to Dubrovnik we stopped in a town called Ston, a city with the longest city wall in Europe. Family decided to ''taste test'' raw clams that are world famous there. I was smart enough to avoid that but do I need to point out that those clams ended up in paper napkins? Nasty. Who would eat them cooked let alone raw?

It was hot as hell in Ston and while the family was busy probably tasting out just about every animal living in the ocean I was making friends with the city's dogs. They were all half dead due to the heat.

Dubrovnik is gorgeous mind you. The old city center, the stairs that lead to it. ''Stradun'' it's called. The main street. The most beaufiful part. George Martin knows what's up is all I'm sayin. I remember calling grandmother who nearly had a heart attack when I told her where I am. It was really unplanned. But isn't that the best? Just freedom to go where you want to go, not planning every damn second of the trip? I was feeding pidgeons in front of the church, a ton of them there, I know they were becoming an issue as of late but props to Croatians, instead of killing them they decided to ''deport'' them. Yes using Trumps words.

Having lunch in a tiny restaurant in the inner part of the city was nice, the waitress was once again the sweetest woman you could meet, she got food that wasn't even on the menu for me and she'd touch and pet my hair everytime she walked by me. I think she called me ''Kiki'' too. Hah. We watched a flamethrowing / eating show before leaving to look for a camp but due to being extremly tired and kind of sick of the hot van we got a room by some locals and slept like ''kings'' that night. Guess what? We even had a shower!

Way back was sad because it meant that the holidays are slowly coming to an end. That's never a good thing. We stopped in a huge park with the oldest tree in Europe? Or even the world maybe. And then we drove through the Green Valley of the Neretva river which in case you don't know is the home of amazing huge orchards or mandarines and oranges and all kinds of other vegetables. But mandarines are most famous, there's even trips to go there just to pick those for a week each year, every travel agency offers them.

Next stop ''Makarska'' and bloody welcome stop too, heat plus exhaustion in a van doesn't mix well. We stopped in the first open camp we found where this huge closet of a man gave us his best spot and pretty much adopted us. We ended up staying not one day but five days. Super warm water, amazing beach, great food, nice people nobody wanted to leave so fast. That camp was the first time I actually slept in a tent, I wasn't easily persuaded to get out of the van till that point. You know bugs…but it was nice gotta admit.

We made friends with so many people there, a hippy riding a really old BMW and smoking pot. I sat on that bike all afternoon after he told me I can. Great machine. We met people from back home, a group of nice boys from Sarajevo (where I haven't yet been but I'd really like to go), a couple of Polish people that only ever ate soup and had kids that got severe heat stroke after they dragged them up some mountain where you're supposed to see Mother Mary. The owner of the camp called the doctor and yelled at the parents that the entire camp could hear. In Croatian of course so no idea if they understood a word of it.

There was also a nice (I think he was from Czech republic) guy he was the same age I am now, we made friends I used to sit on his lap and help him beat all his friends in poker. He was super sweet and good looking, and we didn't understand eachother at all but language didn't matter much then. Don't you miss that? Simplest moments like that? People not caring about language barriers or religion or color…

We were managers of the camp for a day even when the owner had to leave on an emergency. So much about what great friends we've become in the time we stayed there. Of course on that exact day a French man had to bump an olive tree and scrape his car, jesus christ was he annoying, he made a huge fuss wanted money for his car but the family wasn't having any ''this is an old tree who is paying us for the tree?'' hah.

We took a different route home. Mom told me to stop being in the mood ''there's always going to be other vacations, ocean isn't going anywhere'' well neither am I am I mom? The road back was rather…horrific…Knin and Kninska krajina, entire villages abandoned and torn down. Just horrible vibe.

The national park I mentioned Plitvice was a stop we made on the way back home. The only cool (cool as in not hot) part in entire Dalmatia. Swimming though strictly against the law. We spent more then three hours in that park with no water. Water all around but you can't drink it. We came home that day at around ten at night. Our borrowed van was ''booked'' to leave the next day again. We borrowed it from a friend that still has it by the way. I see him often driving it around town.

These were one of my best vacation I had. It's a bittersweet memory today. The ''family'' as it was back then doesn't exist anymore, the man that I called stepdad than had passed away and I find myself thinking about him sometimes. Missing him even, missing the good times, the sea side. Easier life.

Good times pass but memories remain is true but sometimes I wish I didn't have to live on memories alone but have a chance to make new ones, better ones even. Maybe someday, not losing hope is the key I've been told.

Bonus;

Just like every night has it's dawn.

Aparently I'm a sadist. That's the only real reason behind why the hell am I walking down memory lane right now, reading old blog posts. I'm all for that, history should never be forgotten crap but some things I honestly wish I didn't remember. Here's a part of a post written 5 years ago…

''I hate this summer, quite possible the worst summer of my entire life, someone please make it end and make it end quick. You know what my problem is? I either feel too much or nothing at all. But lately I just feel empty, I just feel pain all over, emotional pain so deep that I feel like my bones are being split apart. And it just wont go away. And you know what I also hate? Spoiled bratty kids that take life and money for granted and bitch about their parents not letting them go some place, or bitch about having to go on vacation with their parents like oh my god be happy you can go, be happy you have a good family, be happy that your life isn't a complete fucking mess. We are not all that lucky. And you know what I hate most? People telling me to stop being sad like are you kidding me? You have no fucking idea what it feels like to be crushed and broken and feeling like this. You have no idea what's it like when your world shatters like one of them fancy fucking mimosa glasses you sip from on your yacht at 9 in the morning with your dumb privileged friends. And I hate being told to just be happier to shake it off to get it together. As if I'd want to feel this way if I'd have a switch to turn. I am not looking for attention. I just really hate people, they are the worst kind of animals out there, they hurt you, kick you when you're down, abuse you and tell you they love you just to destroy you all ove again. I am sick of the fake smiles and pretending. Don't with people that bring me nothing but heartache. Done with fake friends and so fucking done with feeling like this.''

You know I remember saying to myself at that point ''enough is enough'' and that I am never ever going down that road or feeling that way again? Little did I know that things will only get worse. Life will only get harder. I will only feel more hopless and lost and alone.

Which brings us back to why my music is so important to me, at times I feel like it literally is the only thing I have left. I look at the ruins, the mess that was once my life, think of the times when I had literally everything and I was happy and I look at it now. Music is the only real thing I got left.

And sometimes the weirdest and most unlogical music is what makes me feel better which is why today, in the middle of this unbearably hot night I'm listening to this play, a bit too loud may I add but who cares all the windows are bolted down because the air outside is impossibly hot and humid…

I'm just gonna stick with this one picture today. The others are blurry, it's starting to show that my camera is getting old. Laptop, printer, camera…is there any other machinery that I own that wants to give me crap lately? Ugh.

So this album that came out in 1988 is on the Rolling stones chart of ''50 greatest hair metal albums of all times'' should I btw worry because I seem to own an alarming number of albums from that list? Hah. Once a hair metal fan always a hair metal fan.

This cover is censored as you probably all know. I know the 80's were a different time and all that but can I just say how stupid I find it? I mean if you look at ''singers'' these days, naked on their covers, twerking in underwear on mtv and then this is somehow offensive? I missed the memo on why that's the case gotta say. I found the original cover really cool. Honestly at the end of the day it's more strange then it is sexy or satanic or whatever the issue was. I mean have you ever seen the original cover of Scorpions Virgin killer? I mean it's censored too but literally can't compare the two. Though you can imagine who complained right? ''church and parental groups''. They're the worst I tell you.

This album produced their biggest hits like ''Nothin' but a good time'', ''Fallen angel'', ''Your mama don't dance'' and of course ''Every rose has it's thorn''. And me being the complete cliche of course love this songs most. Fallen angel? Totally my jam. I had the privilege to have a band play it for me this year, at a festival, with quite a lot of people, should I point out that the singer fucked up a line because he was too busy staring and laughing at me going insane side stage? He said he'll ask me on stage with him next time. Ha, sorry sugar there will be no next time. In front of that many people? I think not.

The album was number two on US Billboard 200 and also certified 5 times platinum in 1991, once in 1988 and also 4 times platinum in Canada. Europe didn't know good music then it would appear.

Some fun facts about my favorite song ''Every rose has it's thorn'' (like for real I'm obsessed) allegedly Bret wrote this song as a response to a failed love affair with a LA stripper. A striper he thought will never cheat on him but then one night they played in Dallas and after the show he calls her home and hears she's not alone, so there you go another amazing song a result of heartbreak. All he needed besides feeling like that was an acoustic guitar and a laundromat.

You just know this is going to be a good one as soon as you put it in and that first few notes of ''Love on the rocks'' play, the hair metal bluesy kinda intro that makes an amazing opener and that steady beat from Rikki…amazing.

Then you got ''Nothin' but a good time'' a favorite to so many movie soundtracks, and radio – tv stations even today. I can only imagine what it was like back then, back when Mtv played music not bullshit, remember this kids, Mtv used to be cool. God I'm old. Nothin' but a good time was the first single released of the album and it was taken as one of the best party songs of the decade, specially for everyone that had a job they hated and just wanted to have fun. I hear ya guys I hear ya.

I was surprised when I first listened to ''Good love'', the harmonica? Bret kills it no doubt but it's not very common for a hair metal band is it? He sings softer in this song and his voice really comes through in it. Did I mention lately that I just love his voice? About as much as I love his face really. Hah.

''Look but you can't touch''? haha I love it, really I do. Typical dumb song, sexual lyrics, everything you'd expect from a hair or should I say glam metal band at the time. Glam metal makes me laugh because I just remember Duff saying he can't wear specific clothes because ''we can't go out there looking like fucking Poison''. Haha.

The album closes with ''Bad to be good'' kinda has this odd vibe at the begining and only later gets that sound we are used to and expect from Poison. It's also one of the longest songs on the album, I like it but to be fair if anything it's a bit of a let down, no big finish, grand finale type thing, the song just…ends.

So given the fact that this record is celebrating 30 years this year, seriously what the fuck? Hah. They reissued it on a 180 gram vinyl and in red and a 1000 limited edition green vinyl, can you hear me scream? I want it bad. Hah yes yes I might as well forget about it I know, hey a girl can dream. The exciting part is that the reissue has the original uncensored cover art, the way it should be all along.

Anyways this is a great album I loved it the first time I heard it and I still love it now. And it's totally my go to album when I need something to cheer me up, or need a party song, or even need a song to cry to. A friend of mine once told me that this is an album that instantly satisfies all his rock n roll needs and despite the fact that there's albums out there that I love way more, I have to agree.

Meet me in the middle.

''Take a seat right over there, sat on the stairs, stay or leave. The cabinets are bare and I'm unaware of just how we got into this mess, got so aggressive I know we meant all good intentions...

So pull me closer, why don't you pull me close? Why don't you come on over? I can't just let you go.

Oh baby, why don't you just meet me in the middle? I'm losing my mind just a little, so why don't you just meet me in the middle?''

Ever found yourself in this situation? When good intentions got you more trouble then they did good? I swear I feel like I am losing my mind. Nothing makes sense anymore. Except that one thing, the one ''thing'' I don't have. I don't do sappy love songs or grand romantic gestures, romance in movies makes me gag really but what can you do when someone does something as romantic for you as John Cusack did in Say Anything with that boom box?

Sometimes I feel all the damn feelings again, they hit me like a huge yellow school bus. Memories. Feelings. That one feeling when I can almost feel his touch, his hug, his arms around me. His lips on mine. That feeling where he just consumes me and everything around me is him. The air I breathe, every sound, every look. Every single thing is just him. It comes to a point where I just can't take it.

I am so scared of forgetting, how he made / makes me feel. The sexy cocky confident dance on stage, how it made the breath stuck in my throat. How he sang ''Don't cry'' with his eyes locked on mine for the entire five minutes of the song and it felt like we were the only two people on the planet. I am so scared of forgetting that moment when he's suddenly on his knees in a bar full of people, most of them his really close friends, just to prove a point to me. A point that love can be forever and it can be happy and it can be a fairytale. But there's no space for our fairytale in this world.

A hug sounds so simple, feeling safe in someone's arms sounds so simple but the feeling of being in your lovers arms is anything but simple. In all the hell I've been through lately, all the pain, all the heartache. I realised that the only comfort I need / want in my life, the only thing that could actually make the world right again is him. The only man that I can imagine my future with, few years down the line. Jobs, place of our own, an entire zoo and maybe a couple of kids. I thought about it just last week and then I got to the point where I just stopped thinking because it hit me like a big god damn sack of bricks, I can't plan a future if he aint in it?

And let me tell you something that is the worst kind of pain one can feel. Smoking and drinking will kill you in twenty plus years but loving someone that is out of reach, not right for you, not returning your love back, or whatever else, that will kill you daily. No need to drink or smoke. Distance makes the heart grow fonder is true. I learned that now. The further apart we are the more I want him here with me.

''Looking at you I can't lie just pouring out admission, regardless my objection and it's not about my pride, I need you on my skin just come over, pull me in, just...

Baby, why don't you just meet me in the middle? I'm losing my mind just a little, so why don't you just meet me in the middle?''