You can run away with me, anytime you want.

Have y'all seen how fucking fast My chemical romance sold out their two UK shows? That had to be like what 50 000 tickets per show? Woah. I mean I never saw this coming. I wonder if should they ever tour EU (jesus christ please announce dates already and put me out of my misery) I will even get tickets. I think I'd just die if finally FINALLY my time to see them comes and I can't get tickets. Either way I know I just did a review the other day, and that there were posts about them in the past but today it's still another one... Sorry, that's just how it is, you're gonna have to deal with it. This one is about my FAVOURITE album so excuse my excitment.

 

Danger Days: The true lives of the fabulous Killjoys. Like what can I tell you about this one? It's amazing. Everything is amazing. The story, the videos, the music, the vibe, the feelings, the emotion, the tension, the ride, everything. Spot on. I don't know who wrote it, might of been Rolling stones that My chemical romance are so sad they could make your cold goth heart bleed. Well I mean, the dark clothes, the dead men, the cancer, the blood and misery…I get the point but also not really, it's not all dark and bleek in their music also.

And then you get Danger Days. Spoiler alert I always wanted to dress up as Party Poison, I mean full on, clothes, props, the whole deal. Never got to it though. But it would make up for a great photoshooting. Anyways, Danger Days comes out, Gee dyes his hair this crazy perfect bright red which (don't kill me) was my favourite look on him. Red is just such a Gerard Way colour. It's pretty stabby you know? And this album isn't sad, this album is more than anything pissed off, and vibrant, just like Gee's hair.

Also what's hugely different is his voice. Gee sounds way cleaner and more polished on this album. I know that was actually an issue for some fans who prefered the rougher, edgier style of ''Three cheers for sweet revenge'' so then this energetic power pop aproach was a bit of a let down. To me though, comparing albums is stupid, a band can grow and develop their sound and it can sound different. Sometimes better sometimes worse but that's why experimenting is important. Nobody wants the same thing over and over and over again. Like Bon Jovi, singing the same songs for 20 years. Don't get me wrong they're great songs, better than any new one, but for real, can you not? For MCR this album is definately a better sounding experience. Which doesn't mean that this album is better than say the Black parade but simply that it's an amazing album on its own.

Basically what Danger Days is is an idea. If you watch music videos to Na Na Na and Sing, they're a story. Set in the future a band of outlaws fights an evil corporation called Better living industries. The video looks almost apocalyptic and what is just really fucking brilliant is that if you pay attention you can see it written on a god damn battery ''California 2019''. When did the band reunite? 2019 and where was the first reunion show? California. Like, I can't. Everything these cryptic assholes do has a meaning, and suddenly it's two AM and you're reading about Salem witch trials and the summer and winter solstace and how that could be incorporated in their state of mind. Don't look at me funny, I'm on to something here. Also of course in case you don't know in 2013 Gee published a comic that continiues the story from the album. And you know what? I never got to read it. Sigh.

Oh my god you guys! You know what literally hit me just now? Danger Days is now set in the past no longer the future. Oh my god.... Right the album. So it starts off with ''Look alive, Sunshine'' and you know what? I handpainted this entire thing to a back of one of my tshirts once? With really annoying tiny letters that took me ages to perfect. What you hear in Look alive, is an old radio transmission and a message from the ''host'' Dr. Death Defying. Most of what he says can actually mean a lot of things or nothing at all, the part that I love most is obviously ''listen up, the future is bulletproof, the aftermath is secondary, it's time to do it now and do it loud, Killjoys, make some noise''. Seems like such a powerful message really, this is a band we grew up with and though this is not a new album the message still stands if you ask me, it's our time, we should make some fucking noise.

Look alive fades into ''Na Na Na Na'' and the fact that there's anyone who hasn't heard this song at least once is crazy to me. It was the first single, it's catchy, it's fun, it makes you sing along. And that bloody car! I mean I always wanted one of those and then they put it in their video? Painted like that! I find that personally offensive. This song is probably what sets the entire albums mood. It shows you that this will be a different ride than any of the previous were and also that it's going to be a fun one.

Then there's ''Bulletproof heart'' which is a total pop punk kinda song, fun, cheery, perfect. It's a bit extravagant, a bit dramatic and most importantly an escape from some undefined restrictive presence, some demons if you will, and shit can't we relate? We're all just trying to get away from our demons.

''Sing'' is next, which is part two of Na Na Na Na. The car is back, the boys are back and so are the ''pigs''. First of all how dare you shoot Gee like that? And also who looks that bloody hot while being shot? Defys laws of nature if you ask me. But the song is easily one of my favourites, the easy begining which slowly builds up to one of the best choruses ever. So sing along boys and girls, ''sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls, sing it for the world''.

''Planetary GO!'' UH yes please. It's like what hope sounds like you know. It's what I feel hope would be should it be recorded, in those very lines ''I can't slow down, I'm undefeatable''. Perfection.

Things then calm down with ''The only hope for me is you''.  It's a beautiful love song don't you think? It's something very personal, it's Gee basically putting his heart on a sleeve, honestly telling the world what's his only hope ''you'', meaning ''her'' in this case, and just so we're clear, his marriage is probably one of the cutest things out there, right next to whiskers on kittens and unicorns. Don't fight me on this, you can't win.

''Summertime'' is actually my favourite on this album. Actually they all are but maybe this one is my top one. Vocals are soft and tender and completely clean, the chorus is a flying melody that feels like it holds the power to fly you away where ever you want to be and that that ''you can run away with me, anytime you want''. Oh my god. It's like a punch in the heart in a good way. I love this song, and yes I would indeed run away with him anytime he'd want. Fun fact. The line starts with ''you can write it on your arm''. So on a gig once Gee had ''run away with me'' written on his neck with a sharpie and his wife had ''anytime you want'' written on her arm. Believe me my heart exploded into rainbows. How cute is that? Where can I find me a guy who would be this silly cute with me? Ugh.

Y'all know what follows next right? Fucking ''Destroya'' which to this day I always say ''great song, you are just cowards''. True story. Destroya is a great song, the whole pounding drum thing and sneering vocals, blow away any trace of slow ballads, with Gee singing he only believes in the enemy. Kinda makes sense doesn't it? Lovers will let you down, as well as family, friends, but you can count on your enemies always hating you. This song is like, another Rocket queen. The moaning! You guys I die. It was so funny people expecting the song on the reunion and that big question ''will Gee moan on stage during Destroya'' lol, Gee is no coward, how could you even doubt him? And it sounded every bit as sexy as it did years back. Like for real, listening to this song is like HOT.

''Goodnite, Dr. Death'' is a sign off from the radio host, who sends us off with a cheery warning telling us that we're basically all going to die. Lovely. ''That big ball of radiation we call the sun will burst you into flames if you stay in one place too long, that is if the static don't get you first''. What does that mean? Like fly into the sun (Icarus much?) and risk getting burned or do nothing and you're fucked anyways? I think it's a metaphore for everything you do really, that you should take chances and risk something, else you really are doomed. Doomed in the same wicked ways, addiction, wrong partner, wrong job…whatever else is haunting you. The message ends with the strains of ''The star spangled banner'' and you know how weird that is when the album plays in your family who doesn't like the US one bit. ''What the fuck are you listening the anthem for?'' really, I'm not, it's just MCR being MCR.

The album ends with ''Vampire money'' which is Gee pissed off at everyone. At fame, at people, junkies, Hollywood, and mostly himself for being this famous. And aparently rich and famous acording to Gee drive ''Volvo cars''. Hah. what's more important here, to this great song, is the intro, and what's even more important that on the reunion show for the first time ever when Gee asked ''How about you Frank?'' Frank replied ''Oh I'm there baby'' and I died. Like dead on the ground. You sneaky Italian rat you. You know exactly what you're doing don't you?

Other songs featured on here are ''Jet Star and the Kobra Kid/ Traffic report'', ''Party poison'', ''Save yourself I'll hold them back'' and ''S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W'', well that first one isn't a song but a ''traffic report'' the rest are all songs, great songs just like the rest of the album and if I go on about how great, amazing, perfect this album is, then this post will never be done, and let's face it, I have a life to get back to (she said while typing around a fat cat on her lap and a jar of Nutella with a spoon jammed in it). You guys put this record on, live it and love it because it deserves nothing less. You know I do….

I love you, you filthy animals.

Do you guys have some of those songs that just transport you back to a certain place or time or a memory? And it's really vivid? Like you're right back there in that moment when you hear it. She asked while Air Supply's All out of love plays on her iTunes. Shut up, I love that song. A song by All time low came up ''Backseat serenade'' and even if they are one of my absolute fave bands, I haven't heard that song in a long while. So while it played, I was transformed right back to the first time I saw them.  ''Krieau Rocks festival'' Vienna Austria in 2013. Shit that's so long ago already…they played with Green Day. Just nine songs though, but still it was such a cool show. BTW boys, I am still upset that the last TWO FUCKING ALBUMS never got a proper EU tour. The fuck is that about? We miss you too…

So the song. The memory. Suddenly it felt like I'm back at that huge open air venue, I can almost smell the beer in the air and the warm summer night. I can hear the screaming, I can see Alex and Jack smiling, being huge dorks that they are. I can feel what I felt in that moment, that one moment when you know everything is okay. And that everything will be okay. And you're just…dare I say happy? Yes, happy. SO happy.

Seeing ATL for the first time was something special, I really went to the Green Day gig just to see ATL, honest to god, I remember also being covered in bruises because let me tell you, fan pit is not a place to be with crazy Green Day fans, but hell it was worth, every bruise and broken – lost voice. I can faintly remember basically touching Jacks hand before I probably floated away on a fucking cloud. Yes that ''crush'' is still going strong, but really, who wouldn't love Jack Barakat? Did I tell you about that story of a history lesson in first year of high school? Professor goes on and on and on about  the second world war and clearly notices I am NOT paying attention so she goes ''Nikki, what do you think about it?'' and flat out, I the idiot that I am, doodling Jacks name in my notebook I go ''Jack Barakat'' and she looks at me funny going ''what does this Mr. Barakat have to do with our topic?'' and I'm like ''probably nothing but I always think about him''. You can just imagine how much that helped with my ''popularity'' in general.

Either way, I saw All time low two more times after that, another solo concert in Vienna, which also had a meet and greet and if you think I lived through that one with Jack giving me a high five you are so wrong, I cried for good 30 minutes after. Crazy is crazy. And then the third time was in Milano Italy but also years ago. Sigh. Actually in honor of them doing something crazy on their social media accounts these days….(I swear the god boys if you don't stop with your cryptic bullshit)…I'll write a little review of my favourite All time low album, which is a CD, because I was never lucky enough to get any of their albums on vinyl. Living in the middle of nowhere will do that to you.

Future hearts is the sixth album that came out in April of 2015 and which I literally by mistake happened to stumble upon in our capital city while being on another either errand or concert and browsing through a media store when I had some time to kill. Aint that crazy? Also I was too happy to have it. First single off of this one was ''Something's gotta give'' and you guys? I loved it first moment I heard it and I still love it now. The video is so brilliant, I mean not ''November Rain by GN'R'' kinda brilliant but brilliant in it's own way. And the whole zombie thing…I mean shoot me now it's just too good. Censored on our MTV of course but still…and was I obsessed with zombie Jack? You can bet I was…

Future hearts debuted number 2 on the Billboard 200 and sold 75,000 copies in it's first week which made it the band's biggest selling and higest charting album. And you look at the number and it doesn't seem that big but really for a little band that isn't Bon Jovi big this are very good numbers. The critics weren't completely happy again as per usual. I did say several times that critics are assholes didn't I? Wait a second, in a way I'm a critic too aren't I? Concert and album reviews? Shit. Well if the shoe fit as I always say…what bothered the critics here was that the album wasn't ''cohesive'' enough. Like really? Really?? How about pointing out the great influences of other songwriters that also worked on songs for this album? Or the change of musical direction in general? God forbid right.

What I found so extremely creative was that every album contained a set of five collectible ''polaroid'' pictures, together 20 so there were different ones to collect. And I thought that was just such a nice touch to add, and of course the pictures are just awesome, just super silly, and cute, and fun.

You guys! When ''Kids in the dark'' came out…oh my god. I love that song so much, still today. It's such a great song. Literally my nails were painted with splattering paint for weeks, inspired by the song. The video was something completely different than what we were used to from them, the girl shielding herself from her parents arguing, doesn't that hit home I wonder. And there's a note thrown in her mail slot on the doors, I think it says ''The kids in the dark invite you to escape, find us at the old iron works''. She finds those kids in her pajamas and slippers, dark room and the only light is neon paint splattered all over those kids. There's a message there you know, no matter what kinda shit you're going through, no matter the hardships, the hell, you're never alone, there's always an escape, there's always other people that understand, people that are there to help you.  And that one moment in the video ''They left us alone, kids in the dark, to burn out forever or light up a spark'', the sparks! Alex! Too cool. And also, the metion of self harm with ''what a shame, what a shame, beautiful scars on critical veins'' and making it clear that there is help out there, that you're not alone and that you are strong enough to get over it in ''we'll never surrender, the kids in the dark''.  The song it self is just a perfect mix of ''dancy'' and punkish so you know Billie Joe wouldn't burst into tears if he caught you listening to it in public.

Missing you is another such song. And if you think I didn't cry the entire length of the video when it was released you are SO wrong. The song is beautiful as is but the video, in which the band shows their gratitude to their fans, the ''hustlers'' who had supported them for the begining. The video is set in London, Alex is wandering around the streets, looking amazing may I add. Boy! That style. Some scenes are with the other boys as well, and in between you see the band talking to the fans via Skype or whatever else. OH MY GOD. Can you like…omg. How do they breathe? I think I'd die on the spot. Die! The fans then got to tell the band how grateful they are for their music, well how grateful we are for their music, for all they do for us. Very emotional video indeed. The very same second the video starts and you hear that very first ''oh my god''…well you can't help but smile. It's really nice to see a band have such a close connection to their fans. And I won't even touch the lyrics, they are beautiful, hopefull, they made me feel better so many times in the past, ''don't lose your fight kid''. Yeah.

It's funny how cocky the sticker on the cover actually is. It says ''features your new favourite songs'' which you know…very ballsy. But super on point. It does in fact feature my favourite songs. They were then and they still are now. So safe to say they really backed that statement up. Another song I really loved is also Tidal Waves, my god it's a beautiful song, so mature, so serious in a way, so full of passion and emotion and well serious and mature is not something you usually would put down for All time low, especially with Jacks constant dick jokes (I still love you babe). It also features the ultimate punk dad Mr. Mark Hoppus himself and we all know I adore that dork.  The lyrics are real nice on this one as well, Alex has such a wonderfull voice, soothing one and on slower songs, ballad type songs, it just comes through so nicely and really, he is just SO underrated as an artist, as a singer, as a lyricist.  Another big musical guest whos influence is also obvious in the song is Joel Madden. Huge old Good Charlotte vibes there. It's kinda really cool and also kinda funny to have them both appear on the album, funny because you just know that bands like Blink and Charlotte are huge influence on the band and without them I am confident in saying there wouldn't be no All time low either and also really cool because hell, just look at how good the boys are doing, started out in Jacks basement and now they're here. ''Just give them ten more years and see what time can do for hopeless dreamers''. Shit. Respect boys. But then again, there was no way for you to go anywhere but up.

Other songs on this album are also Satellite, which is good but not something I'd allert the press about. There's also Dancing with a wolf which is a bit darker but also really nice. There's also Kicking & screaming, Runaways, Cinderblock garden, Don't you go, Bail me out (the one with Madden), The edge of tonight which makes me shiver all over when he sings ''You keep me alive, on the edge of tonight, chasing tomorrow with fire in my eyes, you're like a siren in the dark, you're like a beat playing in my heart, you keep me alive, on the edge of tonight''. Beautiful. Meaningful. And also another very precious memory. Last song is Old scars / future hearts. Very nice song to close the album to.

In general this is an amazing album, it's serious, it shows growth, it shows that the band is not just some random pop punk or emo or whatever else people call them band but actual amazing musicians that are capable of serious and meaningful topics, while still staying true to their roots and still have that true connection with their fans. This is why we love them. A bit less right now though with their cryptic social media bullshit. Seriously boys! Stop! I am not sane enough for decoding this crap.

Alright then here's to the band I love even when it drives me crazy, and to the band who is the reason that at least some of my art (drawings inspired by their lyrics) got some serious attention on tumblr. 4000 + notes and some 2000 + notes, no joke, fame at last. If you want to give a different but very good music a try then pick this one up, it really is amazing I promise.

So enjoy the weekend guys, I know I won't. A lot of work to catch up to. Ugh. Where are those weekends when I could just sleep 48 hours straight. Hell. Word of advice. Don't ever grow up.

The story of a man, a woman, and the corpses of a thousand evil men.

You know that moment on the Friends show where Joey says he's had a bad year and it's only the first week of January? Yeah. I felt that on a deep emotional level. Does it ever get better at all?

I thought about sitting here and sharing about fifty of my currently favourite pictures of Henry Cavill so y'all might enjoy some of my visual pleasures but decided against it. For real though, is that man even real or is he just a photoshoped creation of my fantasy? I swear if I had a type that would be it. Gorgeous.

And you know who else is gorgeous? Gerard Way. Perfect face, perfect soul, perfect music. I thought about it just now while one of their albums is playing. They couldn't pick a better time to come back could they? I'm not talking about Danger days being set in the future and that future being 2019 even if that was bloody brilliant. I'm talking about the entire idea about the band. You know they came on the scene as a band in 2001 when the twin towers were attacked and Gee felt so powerless and so horrofied that he had to do something. Find his own way to change the world, and he did that with his music. He changed us. We were just kids when we started listening to the band. We watched 9/11 happen, we watched the terror and horror, we watched the hell in Iraq and administations who brought nothing but hell and chaos. And just like Gee we were angry and upset and bottom line afraid, watching what the world is coming to, what our world is coming to. Nobody listened, nobody cared, nobody actually valued opinion of the younger population who doesn't want the hate, doesn't want the war, not the past ones nor any new ones. And see if nobody else listened, he did, the band did. The band gave us a voice, told us we matter, told us to be brave and to smile. I sound a bit like the Joker there I know but it's true. My chem literally have a song ''I'm not okay'' and you know what? That's okay. It's okay to not be okay, to be scared, sad, lost, mad. Feelings matter and they showed us that it's not us who's fucked up but the society that is constantly invalidating us. Actually, being angry at what's going on is more than okay, you should be angry, you should be upset, you should be wanting a change and trying in your own way to be a part of the change.

So I guess them coming back, is sort of a Deja Vu isn't it? It's like 2001 all over again, the world is fucked, even more than it was before. Last couple of years were insane. The youth has little to no future. Basic needs have become far away dreams for most. It's like they came back because they knew we need them back. Because we need them to show us that there's hope, that we can do this together. It's not just an idea or a band it's far more than that. It's like a wakeup call, for the new generations just getting into them and for us ''old fans'', this is our time to make a fucking difference, to get up and wake up and do something. I don't know why everything is so fucking hard, yes I get it change is scary but when it's for the better…?

Here's what's playing right now that's inspiring these lines and a whole stack of sketching and drawings…

My fave album they actually did is the Killjoy album there's no arguing there but this one is actually a close second. It was released on June 8th 2004 by Reprise records as their second album. Of course people jumped to hating the band right away. Saying it's bad for kids, talks about death, suicide, violence, etc. Maybe that's what pulled me in from the get go. I was about 13 when I first heard them, loving everything both the ''society'' and my family said it's ''inapropriate''

Gee said about this album that it's a ''pseudo – conceptual horror story'' and a ''story of a man and a woman who are separated by death in a gunfight and he goes to hell only to realize by the devil telling him that she's still alive. The devil says he can be with her again if he brings him the souls of a thousand evil men and the man agrees to do it, so the devil hands him a gun''. That was the idea behind the concept and the artwork who btw Gee designed himself but the album ended up being much more about loss, personal disasters, hardships of life and love and grief. I guess I could relate that's why I ended up loving it as much as a I do.

Opening the album with Helena was brilliant. The song was originally written for Gee and Mikey's grandmother. A fact most people don't really know. When the video came out, out of all my friends and people I knew at the time there wasn't one girl, me included that didn't want to be Helena in that vid. So what if they put her in a coffin? We all wished to be in her place. How weird does that sound? All dying to be put in a coffin by My Chemical Romance.

I'm not okay (I promise) need I even say more? Actually yes I will say something, the fact that these assholes came back after so many years and played their first show and the first song they chose to open the concert with is ''I'm not okay''? in that moment none of us were okay and we still aren't. So thank you for that.

Thank you for the venom over the years became sort of a statement. None of us believed that the band will ever be back so ''thank you for the venom'' was kinda a saying we all used to thank them for all they did for us. In general this is a heavier song, shows that they are well and capable to put out a heavy punkish song with a statement.

They really raised to their potential with this album, they could be just another unoriginal band producing album after album song after song but they didn't. They did things their own way and thank god for that. The whole album though it's a mix of so many things, sort of agressive, sort of laced with punk rock energy, instrumental, creative and in general wonderful. Gee's vocals show so many different posibilities, some are softer, some are agressive, some are emotional which is especially obvious on ''The ghost of you'' (guys the Elvis vibe in the music video? No, really, I'm fine, just dead on the ground). You've also got ''Hang 'em high'' which is a bit Westernish, no doubt inspired by Gee's love of Clint Eastwood, and the message ''never stop fighting''. Damn true.

Did you ever pay closer attention to ''The Jetset life is gonna kill you''? Woah that one is dark. Personal and intense and just dark. It's about the lifestyle. His own lifestyle at the time, constantly on the go and doing drugs, struggling with depression, a mix of it all that almost killed him in Japan in 2004 and it's pretty much making me want to cry just thinking about it. Seriously guys, the world without Gee Way in it would be too dark and too depressing.  On a personal note you know there's a line in this song ''awww sugar''? I would personally kill for Gee to push me against a wall with his hand round my neck or a knife both works, saying ''awww sugar'' to me. Ignore the crazy fangirl. Let me live in my fantasy okay?

''Cemetery drive'' basically about coping with life after losing someone you love due to suicide. That one hits home. Really, it does. I guess it does to a lot of people. Aparently suicide kills almost a million people a year. And it never really gets better. The missing gets worse. It never stops hurting, you don't forget, you just learn to cope. I have someone that I ''miss so far'' as well and I tell you it's hell.  It's been years and I don't miss him any less, if anything probably more, it's hard to find people like him in this world these days or someone to trust and call a friend.

The album is full of melodic surprises, some sweet, some heavy, screaming and emotional singing. The raw emotion is displayed though this entire album, taking us through the story of the main character, fullfilling his deal with the devil so he can see his love again. The bloodshed being justified in the name of love. I don't support violence or playing god mind you, but you ask yourself, how far you'd go for those you love? To protect them? To get them back? I know I'd risk a lot, everything really. Like a tattoo someone I care about a lot has says ''for those I love I will sacrifice''.

What is so fucking brilliant about this album is the fact that it closes with ''I never told you what I do for a living''. This is the end of the album and the end of the story it follows. And you realize that the devil fucked him over because the last ''evil soul'' he has to kill is himself ''down and down we go'' and there is so much passion and rage in his voice when he sings that, it's like literally setting all your neurons on fire. And then that soft, broken ''I tried''. It's like, mindblowing. Really, literally mindblowing. And just when you're done, panting, can't take no more of their brilliance the song ends with ''and never again, and never again, they gave us two shots to the back of the head, and we're all dead now''. Clearly not a statement of victory but defeat, it leaves things to our inpretation though, did he get back his lover? I like to think he did. Even if they're both in hell now, there's some sick romantic ending to the story.

This album paints a very vivid story if you're only capable to listen and understand. It's a masterpiece, they showed their progress and their growth and there was only one way for them to go, which was up, which clearly they did, we know which music follows and it didn't disappoint.

I'm sitting here hoping, hell I'll pray if I have to (don't get excited it will be a prayer to Satan), that this year we get more of that sassy, stabby attitude, new music, new hope, a tour…shit that would make me happy. They always were ''the one that got away'' for me and at the moment I can't imagine anything, literally anything that would make me happier then seeing them live someday. Seriously let a fan girl dream, and don't doubt I didn't already go through about 10 different scenarios how to get to Japan to see them. Crazy is crazy I know but then there were people from all over the world at the Reunion while I was at home crying into my pillows who still have scars to show (black makeup smudges). Alright then, enjoy the weekend, spin some good music, possibly give this one a chance. It's amazing, I promise.

I know I've dreamed you a sin and a lie, I have my freedom but I don't have much time. Faith has been broken tears must be cried, let's do some living after we die.

Sitting here playing ''Wild horses'' on repeat, I find it so reasuringly sad. I can't explain it, it just stirrs up emotions. Spent this New Years Eve in a way that's not sitting right with me at all. I don't do big parties, people going crazy over the earth making another lap around the sun is just idiotic. But to be fair, I liked it as an excuse to go out, spend time with the friends I don't see much, anything pass the ''drinking wine in bed alone in my PJ's'' is just fine with me. I watched German TV, the live feed of the celebration in Berlin. It made me miss the city like crazy. Is that even possible? To miss a city? I don't even know what I miss. Perhaps the way I felt in Berlin. Happy. Perhaps the city alone, which is amazing as is. Perhaps the people and life I had when I was there last time.

Here's the deal, is it just me or are you guys having trouble processing this new ''decade'' as well? 2020? Wtf? I mean, when someone says 20 years ago I automatically think 1980. Not 2000. That's like…I can't process that. Everyone is out there, counting their blessings and succsess in the past decade and how they were nothing but happy and I feel like throwing up. Firstly I have no idea where did the past ten years go, sometimes I feel like I'm inside a tornado, things just fly by so fast. And secondly, I guess it's hard to keep track of time when things go from bad to worse all the time.

I'm not going to sit here and complain, not everything was bad, some of my memories of the past 10 years are really great. I saw so many of my favourite musicians live in the past decade, my first big stadium show, Bon Jovi in 2011. I saw the man I love most, The Boss, twice, in 2012 and 2016, I saw two of my favourite bands three times each and so many more as well, like Linkin park, I'll be forever grateful to have the chance to see them at least once. And I crossed Rolling stones and Guns N' Roses off my wish list which is a bloody miracle on it's own.

I did some traveling. Well, far too little to be honest, but still, I've spent some time in Vienna on separate occasions and y'all know I love Vienna so much. I've been to Spain for the first time ever, fell in love with Barcelona, I made it to Rome and Pompeii as well which were a dying wish for so long. Spent some more time in Milano which is just enchanting…

There were many other good moments, there was love, good and happy times, they mostly ended badly, but for the time being they were nothing but happy and I quite honestly can't decide between wishing they would never happen because then it would hurt less now and between being happy and grateful for the little things in between even if they are over now.

The problem is that the bad things tend to outweigh the good ones. The last decade or say last two years in particulalr were the most difficult times of my life. I've been through some shit before but I think these recent problems take the cherry on the cake. Losing my father was so difficult in it's own. Anyone that's lost a parent (and especially this young) will understand, that much more because we had so much unfinished business, so much left to do, to talk about,…I guess everyone does. People expecting you to bounce back straight away is even worse, as is not understanding how can it be two years and you still need time to grieve. People need more time sometimes and that's okay, but really, how can you even begin to get over it if you never had the time to even process and heal in the first place.

But perhaps the worse part was losing my entire family after, (they never were much of a family, but still blood is thicker than water they say) due to lawsuits and hatred. You read these things in magazines or hear about them in the news, and you shudder, thinking how awful some people are, but you never can imagine it happening to you. And let me tell you, when it does, it's surreal, it's like watching a movie. Like it's not really happening to you. You become somehow detached, numb, cold, emotionless even. And it's not even what they did to me, it's not that I spent the past two years around lawyers and court, it's what it made me turn into that I hate. I've never in my life been like this. Empty and lacking empathy and mostly full of hoplesness and hatred. I guess that's one of my resolutions for the next decade, to get better, to be better.

''So you been broken and you been hurt, show me somebody who ain't. Yeah I know I ain't nobody's bargain but hell a little touch up and a little paint…

You might need somethin' to hold on to, when all the answers they don't amount to much, somebody that you can just talk to and a little of that human touch.''

Or something along those lines. The fact is that I should still give myself some credit because despite the hell I've been through in the past two years I finished school and I'm just about to graduate and I think that's worth a pat on the back at least.

I learned a lot from this experience as well, people are not to be trusted is one of the most important things. Trust is earned not given and to be fair most people don't deserve it. I also learned, if some people like to burn sage to ''cleanse'' their houses, we should also learn to burn bridges to cut poisonous people out our fucking lives. Sometimes those people are family, but that's just how it is. Probably the most important things to live by in 2020 aren't stupid resolutions ''get skinny, stop drinking, stop smoking'' sorry no, nobody likes a skinny sober bitch anyways. What I think matters more is knowing your worth, not chasing people that aren't worth it. Not begging people to stay with you but rather saving that space for people that matter. Accepting, not just others and yourself but that some things just can't be changed and that stressing over them, will only eat at you. Leaving toxic situations and places, relationships, things, that aren't working out for you and most importantly loving yourself. Positive energy attracts positive energy is what I've been told.

Entering a new decade doesn't make me hopeful or energetic, or even positive and goal oriented. All it makes me is anxious. I'm scared of another shitty decade like the past one was. In most cases it's true life is as you make it and the next decade will be as we make it but there are so many things that are out of our control that effect us directly. I'm going to focus on the good parts and enjoy them because they are rarer than unicorns. And I'm going to spend more time focusing on my art because that's probably the only thing I have left at this point. And of course channelling that one remaining positive cell in my body into a My Chem concert somewhere in Europe.

There's that. I wish you guys all the best in the new decade. All the love, laughter and prosperity. I hope all your dreams come  true and that you find your place under the sun. I may be bitter about my future but all that aside I wish you all, all the happiness except you Donald Trump, you're an asshole.

There's that. Happy New Year loves.