''When black cats prowl and pumpkins gleam, may luck be yours on Halloween.''

The hardest part of ending is starting again.

''Looking for an anwser, is there sunshine where you are? The way there was when you were here. I’m just sitting in the dark, in disbelief that you’re not here.''

I wanted to write about Halloween today. Share any story from my past Halloweens. I realized that they are all, a bit...too much for this blog. And also, there is something weighing so heavy on my heart and mind that I just can't shut it up.

I've been struggling with Chester leaving us so much. He was my role model, my hero, my sunshine when life got too dark. I found so much of myself in his lyrics. He helped me get through the hardest things in life. When I was in school, the ''weird metal kid'', the ''emo'', the ''goth'', the ''crazy bitch'' whatever else they'd call me, with no friends and all alone on this planet, his songs kept me going. When things in my family were anything but perfect, I'd look for comfort in their music. When life got rough I used to lie awake at night listening to his voice, it was reasuring, it made me feel comforted and safe. It was a feeling I missed so much. I never imagined someday so soon that comfort will be taken from me. I felt like someone pulled the rug from underneath me. I was angry, I was sad, I was hurt, I was broken and I was the lonely little girl all over again. He was struggling with the same things I am, he was fighting the same demons I am, and I always used to say to myself, if he's tough enough to make it, so can you. And in the end he wasn't, and I'm scared that someday I won't be able to fight any longer too.

Where is this coming from? The ''Linkin park and Friends Celebrate Life in Honor of Chester Bennington'' concert happened this Friday. One of the concerts I really really wished I was at. And I was up in the middle of the night, live stream on but as soon as Mike sang ''When life leaves us blind, love keeps us kind'' it was too much. I had to take a deep breath shut it down and leave it for another day. That day was today. I watched the entire clip, about 3 hours long, and let me tell you something it was both, the most beautiful and the most heartbreaking thing I've ever watched. There was so much emotion, so much love, so much positive energy, so much passion and support. Our LP family really is an amazing comunity.

Mike said that when he found out the news he was in complete disbelief, he didn't want to believe anybody or anything. And that's exactly how I felt. I didn't want to believe it. And during that rollercoaster of emotion, just like it helped Mike, music helped me too. He wrote that beautiful song, ''Looking for an anwser'' and...it was amazing is all. At this point I'd like to just say about Mike that he's such an inspiration and so strong and so amazing. I don't even have the right words to say but it's no wonder, strength and courage comes from love and Mike has plenty of it. I wish I could be one of those fans that met them before the show, giving them big hugs, telling them everything will be okay. I wish I could do something to make it better for him, for them. I always had nothing but mad respect for them but seeing them now, opening themselves to us, to vulnerability, to love, to everything else, that made things completly different. I love you guys. We, the fans will always be there for you, stand by you, believe in you and love you. No matter what.

I don't think it hit me full force before, that he's really gone, till right now, the concert, seeing them on stage, preforming without him. Seeing Mike struggle on a couple of songs, on a couple of short speaches...it was hard to watch it, he's gone and nothing will ever be the same again. Numb, One more light, Looking for an anwser, In the end,...those were hard, but I think harder was watching the boys trying to hold back their own emotions and keep it together, I felt for them. Really.

My sadness hits me hard sometimes, it's not all about Chester, it's mostly about things that his passing stirred up and the wounds it re-opened. It's a struggle and it's a battle. It's a distraction and it's like a dark cloud, it left me feeling so hollow and so overwhelmed. What changed though is that this concert helped me a lot. There is hope, there is light and there is so much love. It still hurts and my heart is still broken but the force and love and support this band and the fans have is so strong, it's so reasurring. The concert hurt it's true but it helped so much, we all share the same grief, we're all together in this, our pain is real but yet we're not alone. Chester was amazing, he touched all our lives, regardless if we knew him or not.

Some people ask me how I can feel such heartbreak and so much pain and such sorrow for someone I've never met, ''he's just a celebrity, he didn't even know you exist''. If he could have, he'd met us all with a huge hug. He was so full of love and light and passion and the will to help others. It's so simple really, it's not just a musician we lost, it's not just a dad, a husband, a friend, it's an amazing human being, if only everyone on this planet cared half as much as he did for others, shared his empathy, his love, the world would be a much better place. And on the other hand, ''you didn't even know him'', what a lonely, isolated world would we live in if people would only care about themselves and maybe a few others they know personally.

In England, a little after that attack in Manchester, Chester stood on stage and told us that we can destroy all this shit and all the hate simply with love, by loving the person next to us. He told the fans in that venue to turn around, look at the person standing next to them and tell them they love them, that they're so happy to be there with them. He said music unites us, love unites us, no matter who we are, where we are from, what we love, what we believe. Love leaves us kind right? And that love shouldn't be limited to people close to you. It's something, a ''motto'' if you will that I want to live by.

I'm taking this and life and everything else one step at a time. Nothing changed. I love the band, I love their music, I still listen to it all the time, only now, songs have a deeper, different meaning. But honestly, these days there's no more tears, there's a smile instead and that's mostly because of the amazing LP family, the amazing love and positivity that was left behind, the light he brought to this world simply by being in it. And to be fair, knowing us or not knowing us there's one thing he wouldn't want and that is pain, suffering, heartbreak. Chester would of hated it. He would want us to smile, laugh, celebrate life, lift eachother up just like we've been doing all along in the past few months.

In that spirit, I share the same ideas, same passion, same empathy and willingness to help anyone in need. If there's anything, if you need to talk, if you're having a bad day, if you just need someone to listen, my inbox is always open *baby_im_a_monster@hotmail.com* don't be afraid to come talk. I will always do my best to offer you some comfort or help if it's in my power to do anything. Don't be scared to reach out, you're not alone.

You know which moment of the show got to me most? Besides Mike's song that is...Numb. Such a powerful, strong, amazing moment. The band playing, spotlight on but there's nobody there. Nobody was singing but then the crowd picked up the song and it only grew louder each second. I thought it was amazing because nobody could do that song justice, nobody could sing it like he does so they gave the ''spotlight'' to the fans instead.

Rest in peace baby, I love you so much, thank you for the music, the love, the kindness, the hope you left behind, thank you for being here when nobody else was. And to my LP family, thank you for understanding what nobody else does, thank you for everything as well, it feels good having a place you belong in. I love you all.

I’ll keep my light strong, for you Chester.

http://musicforrelief.org/

http://chester.linkinpark.com/

♥

It's like an avalanche I feel myself go under...

''Cut me open and tell me what's inside. Diagnose me cause I can't keep wondering why. And no it's not a phase cause it happens all the time. Start over, check again, now tell me what you find. Cause I'm going out of frequency, can anyone respond?

It's like an avalanche, I feel myself go under, cause the weight of it's like hands around my neck. I never stood a chance, my heart is frozen over and I feel like I am treading on thin ice.''

                       

''Am I broken? What's the chance I will survive? Don't sugarcoat me, cause I feel like suicide, just give it to me straight cause I'm running out of time I need an antidote, now what can you prescribe?

It's like an avalanche, I feel myself go under cause the weight of it's like hands around my neck, I never stood a chance, my heart is frozen over and I feel like I am treading on thin ice and I'm going under...

I need a cure for me cause a square doesn't fit the circle, give me a remedy cause my head wasn't wired for this world.''

In the still of the night.

It just occured to me that I have to change the age in my profile. I can't say I'm all too excited about turning 25. I remember my plans from the past and get all frustrated when I realize what I wanted to do, where I wanted to be at 25 and seeing that not one of those plans came true. I mean that's what plans are for aren't they? To fall apart. Not that it's too late to make those things happen now, only maybe harder.

Not like birthday is the only reminder. Those of you that use Facebook, you know how sometimes there's that ''we care about your memories that you share here so maybe you'd like to be reminded...'' and then that ''2 years ago'' or whatever else. I had up to 8 years ago I think, anyways those are sometimes hard, or just annoying. Not all of the past is pretty. It makes me want to delete half of my facebook to be fair. I don't even know where I'm going with this. It's been a long couple of weeks, a lot of new, a lot of firsts, a lot of change. Some great some not so great. I still stand behind what I said that change is good but maybe at the moment I'm not the biggest fan of everything changing in my life.

Alright, another monday, I hate mondays lord knows I do, so instead of dwelling on it I'll put on a record and tell you some stuff about it...

I don't even remember when this romance started. I always liked Whitesnake, never particulary ''Guns N' Roses'' crazy about them but always loved them. Maybe it started when I first heard ''Is this love'', yes, I have a thing about rock ballads. Did you ever really listen to Cinderella's You don't know what you've got till it's gone? That raspy voice? It's so beautiful. Or GN'R's Don't cry? November rain? I mean I like my music loud but cmon, the ballads! Beautiful.

Anyways back to the point, did you know that this album is on the Rolling Stone's list of 50 greatest hair metal albums of all time? It seems completly insane to me, because to me, hair metal is Poison and Warrant and Cinderella *at the start, later on not so much, but we've been over that*. I guess despite the hair I never really thought of them as ''hair metal''. But I suppose it makes sense, this album is full on Bon Jovi, hah, the power ballads, the clothing change...you know the works. Real damn hot to be fair. Did you also know that the hit song of this record ''Here I go again'' is actually a re-make of their own song from the 1982 titled Saints and sinners? I mean can you imagine the song we know today, Here I go again, titled Saints and sinners? Seems so odd.

A friend once told me that Whitesnake name comes from, David's, you know...thingy? I mean does anyone know if that's true...or? I'd love to know. Hah.

So the European version of this album is actually a re-release of their American album. Small diffences but enough for a fan to notice. The track order for example, American version has ''Still of the night'' as an opening track which kinda makes the record flow better if you ask me. I think Still of the night is one of their best songs no matter what was released prior or later on. People are calling it a Led Zepp rip off, which is a debate I am not willing to go in to. American release also has two more songs *those bastards*, ''Looking for love'' being one, and ''You're gonna break my heart again'' being the second one. One an amazing power ballad and one a hard rocker, and I wish I had them both, hah.

People are saying that Coverdale was in a rut after the quick and huge success he had with Deep Purple. I mean I don't think Whitesnake got the attention it could from the get go, after they started out, they've spent what ten years in rather small venues all over Europe, things changed for them in 84 when Slide it in was released and American audience started to notice them. Which is why Coverdale got John Sykes *he used to work with Thin Lizzy for a short ammount of time* for the next album.

1987 or just ''Whitesnake'' in the States was and still is to this day Whitesnakes best selling album. It sold in about 8 million copies in the USA and the sales helped boosting the sales of Slide it in as well to double platinum.

In the American version I think ''Still of the night'' is one of the best openers, it's still one of the bands classics. The Led Zeppelin STYLE *not a rip off but a style, in a way Avenged Sevenfold are inspired by Metallica* serves up countless of amazing riffs, and it's a fantastic example of Coverdale's amazing throaty voice. The voice that maybe these days doesn't sound as amazing anymore. I love the raspy voice but it looks like he's struggling a bit. Props for not giving up, saw them live last year and it was great never the less. Not to mention that riff, goose bumps worthy.

''I should have known better than to let you go alone it's times like these I can't make it on my own. Wasted days, and sleepless nights an' I can't wait to see you again. I find I spend my time waiting on your call how can I tell you, babe, my back's against the wall. I need you by my side to tell me it's alright 'cause I don't think I can take anymore.

Is this love that I'm feeling? Is this the love that I've been searching for? Is this love or am I dreaming? This must be love 'cause it's really got a hold on me, a hold on me.''

Deep sigh. The 80's produced so many love songs and the way the world worked back then even the rockers turned kinda soft and released a rock ballad or two or a hundred, I'm looking at you Bon Jovi. I love Is this love, it just ''bleeds'' longing and love and passion and desperation and I guess some days I can really relate. It really is a beautiful song.

You know how I said that Whitesnake were supposed to be hair metal? Maybe. But I mean honestly to me I get this bluesy vibe simmilar to some ZZ Top songs. Hello? Walking in the shadow of Blues? Or like Crying in the rain? Whitesnakes all time greatest heavy blues song. I think blues really is the essence the very core of the bands sound, but maybe through the years they lost that vibe and went more...commercial? Which is maybe why this album was SO succsessfull but also cost them a number of long time loyal fans.

Now the concert. Don't even get me started on how happy I was that for once. Just once a rock band comes to play in this Narnia of a country I call home. The attendance was as expected. People in this country just don't know what music is. To me, a Whitesnake show is not just a random rock show but a chance to see one of the most iconic rock bands of all times, a chance to listen to some of the greatest rock songs, songs that inspired people over the last decades. It's really not just a random 80's hair metal band, it's a band that made a generation of musicians, songwriters, artists, metalheads, music lovers, hell groupies even. I only had the chance to see them this one time, but hey, maybe another time?

The venue was packed, though being a small venue that probably wasn't too hard and the anticipation actually was growing while we waited for them to come on stage. But hey the opening band was really cool. They are called ''The Answer'' they're a Northern Irish hard rock and blues rock band from Northern Ireland and the UK. Really cool guys. They really warmed up the crowd well for the guys. When they left the roadies came on, moving some amps and guitars and working on their finishing touches. Have I mentioned how much I love watching them work? I'd love being a roadie for some huge band like the Stones. Hey, go big or go home right? The lights went out, purple lights came on, the song mix stopped and we knew it was time for the band to come on.

David comes on stage like he owns is and to be fair he does. It was a short set. 14 songs. I don't know, either musicians like GN'R and the Boss and Bon Jovi spoiled me or this is just way too short for me. But as I said David's voice...I'm happy I even got to see them. The first song was ''Bad boys'' and his voice was great, despite all the issues it was strong and clear, not ''good'' like playback good but ''good'' as in real good. The classic ''Slide it in'' was second, hah, such kinky title but still one of my favorite songs and honestly, it sounded as good as it did back in the day. Guys these elder citizens can still fucking rock and blow the venues roof off.

Slide it in was followed by Love ain't no stranger and it was the first time the crowd really reacted. You know, screaming, heavy metal devil horns anywhere you looked. It's always funny looking at the ''sea'' of people on the ground if you're on the seating area *sometimes I like the view* they were all in black with beers in their hands. Hah. This time I stayed dry at least. Usually I end up under a beer shower, not a good thing being shorter then most at a rock show here. Anyways it makes me laugh looking at rockers, metalheads all in black, reminds me of a friend of mine who at a Motley Crue concert where admitedly I was all in black too told me ''how is the band going to see you in a sea of black? Wear fucking yellow next time, get the guitarist to see you and in ten years tell the story of your happy marriage to the press, all because he saw you in the crowd''. Hah. Romantic aint it?

It went on with songs such as The deeper the love, Fool for your loving, Slow an' easy, Crying in the rain, Is this love *I was all hearts and rainbows and cupcakes then, David was like ''Slovenia, is this love?'' and I was done for* and of course, Give me all your love and Here I go again. Amazing guitar, bass and drum solos too. They saved the biggest hit for the encore and I completly lost it when they came back one more time to a huge roar of the crowd for that one song. Know which one? Still of the night of course. Of course I was screaming along every line and the entire venue stood up.

It really was a true rock n roll show any way you look at it. For us, the fans it was a really great night, anyone who didn't like it, well they had to be lost. The rest, who aren't sure yet, I'm sure they were convinced too. I saw a dad that brought his 10 or 11 yearold son, said it was his very first concert. I was rather jealous. There is only one ''first one'' and I don't even remember mine, I was at concerts since I was around 2 years old. I know which concerts but obviously I don't remember. I remember them from like 6 years and on. The kid really loved the show, his dad bought him a band shirt and it was really cool. Parenting done right and all that.

David has this special charisma, he's a showman, the crowd loves him, he's charming, he's not a vocalist he's the vocalist, holds the crowd in the palm of his hand, they do what he asks them to. It's amazing. He's amazing, not everyone from the same era kept that status as one of the best frontmen and as charismatic too. It was a great show, hot summer night, cool people around me, beer, rock music, it was great.

To wrap up this post, the album is amazing, get it, listen to it, love it, it's one of the best 80's rock, metal, hair metal has to offer, and if you get the chance to see them live then you really should do it. If you like them, or metal, or old rock, or hair bands, or you know great music, life, or just having a great time then yeah, you really should go and if you don't like any of those things, well, hell, then just stay at home and watch a couple of idiots chasing a ball on TV or something. And I? Well I'll go get me a couple more of their albums, I can't believe this is the only Whitesnake vinyl I own. Shame on me.

Enjoy your Monday guys, I know it's hell, I know we all hate them, but try making it bearable with some good tunes. And for those in us in Europe, The Walking dead returns tonight, let's hope it's less brutal then the last season premiere or the Supernatural premiere. The feels! Stay strong guys I'll see you on the other side.

Dej vrn se k men.

''Don’t panic, no not yet. I know I’m the one you want to forget, cue all the love to leave my heart, it’s time for me to fall apart.

Now you’re gone, but I’ll be okay, your hot whiskey eyes, have fanned the flames, maybe I’ll burn a little brighter tonight let the fire breathe me back to life.

Baby, you were my picket fence I miss missing you now and then, chlorine kissed summer skin I miss missing you now and then. Sometimes before it gets better the darkness gets bigger the person that you’d take a bullet for is behind the trigger. Oh, we’re fading fast, I miss missing you now and then.''

Sometimes people would say that time heals all wounds, no it doesn't. Some wounds hurt too much, some are too hard to heal, some keep opening over and over again. Sometime they say everything is a life lesson. And what's the hardest lesson I had to learn? That life isn't fair? That losing someone you love is so damn hard it feels like it's going to split my heart apart? Maybe that when in doubt just take a small step, because even a hundred small steps are steps in the right direction. And if you don't know what direction you're supposed to go in? Or maybe that life is too short to spend it hating someone or being miserable? Maybe all of the above...

But you know what I hate most? When people say ''what doesn't kill you makes you stronger''. No. What doesn't kill you completly destroys you instead. Maybe someday when you're out of the storm you smile and say you're stronger because you survived but for the time being it's nothing short of hell.

Where am I going with this? Tomorrow it's going to be 3287 days since I last saw my best friend, and it's a day I'd rather not remember but it's fascinating what our brain remembers most vividly. All the awful painful things we could live without. It's been 9 years and I still can't believe it. It feels like yesterday and it hurts like yesterday. I mean yes, the pain is numb now, it doesn't feel like someone's tearing your chest apart anymore but it's still there, it never really goes away.

You're going to think I'm insane but I don't actually want the pain to go away completly because I am terrified that if it does I will forget. I will forget the little things that matter so much to me. Like that one summer night when we were out stalking a boy I liked with my dog and you were singing that song to me ''let me know when you come back to your senses'' saying that for someone so smart I am acting completly insane. Yeah, I know I was, though you had a laugh when he showed up with his dog and how we just like in 101 Dalmations cartoon got tangled in leashes and fell into the fountain. Good times. I can still hear you laugh and I never want to forget it. Or that little ice cream store where the owner always gave free vanilla ice cream to my dog and having our order ready before we even walked in when he saw us coming down the street. Or how about that one song that I hated, and to be honest I still hate it but when it comes on the radio I always turn up the volume and sing along because I feel like you're right here with me.

Ha, I remember how being sick meant staying in bed together eating crackers and watching Casper and Jurassic park probably twice in the same day, I'd tell you to get away from me before you get sick too but you never cared. Or oh god that one insane day in Vienna? Though I admit, that one I rather don't remember. I remember how you were the only one who gave me nothing but 100% support no matter what I did, what I wanted, what I wished. And that meant everything, having someone that believes in you no matter what. Which is why I was brave and bold and never afraid to reach for my dreams. I remember the first time standing on that stage, everyone said I could never do it, everyone said it's stupid a waste of time, that nobody will like us anyways and you had my back from day one ''believe while others are doubting'' remember? You told me in that backstage to ''stop fucking drinking that much you can't pee during the set'' ha ha ha. I remember when I lost a pet and I was so upset and I called you at 3 in the morning and you said ''whoever you are this better be important'' and all I said was ''sorry for waking you up'' and you said ''sit still I'll be right over''. And that was that. I miss that comfort, I miss your hugs, I miss someone that understands me this much.

I remember taking that ''midnight train going anywhere'' what was it 3 in the morning? And we took the first train out going God knows where. We had so much fun and I still can't believe we weren't caught. Our parents would kill us if they knew. I honestly still don't have the balls to tell them and it's been what 12 years? Hah.

It doesn't really feel it's been that long. Nine years? It feels it's been a year maybe. And sometimes it feels like centuries ago, sometimes it's like it's not real, like I'm going to wake up from a bad dream and you'll sit at the end of my bed giggling going ''let me guess Bon Jovi is an amazing kisser in your dreams?''. It's silly I know but sometimes it's nice to dream. Sometimes the memories are something I'm fond of and sometimes it gets too hard to even breathe. The easiest and most cliche way to put it is that a part of me died with you and the rest shattered into sharp tiny pieces and each time I try to put them together I cut myself. Sometimes getting out of bed and moving on and just taking a breath is hard. Sometimes the song that was playing when we kissed would come on the radio and it would be too much to handle.

Jesus Christ, life is not fair, I miss you so much it's driving me insane. I miss talking to you, I miss that person in my life that never judged me, never once called me stupid not even in a joking matter, the person that supported my craziest ideas and lord knows some of them were really insane. I don't want to be unfair to my friends now, they're amazing, I wouldn't be where I am without them, and I love them all, they're so patient and kind but there's just some things that can't be replaced. You can't be replaced. I am who I am today because of two people, one is you and one is Bruce Springsteen. But you were the one that encouraged me to be me to be original, to stand strong behind my beliefs, to never let people influence me or pretend to be something I'm not just to fit in. You inspired me to persue my dreams, my hopes, to keep drawing because one day I'll be amazing at it, to keep playing guitar because even Slash started somewhere. You told me that no matter what I can't let people take that light that I have, something about me that's so amazing, something I sometimes wonder if it was only visible to you...

And, God, I'm so sorry, so so sorry, for not living up to that one and only request you had. You told me that no matter what I can never change and that's exactly what I did and I'm really sorry. I don't know what happened. I got carried away. It's okay to not be okay right? This world is such a dark place sometimes and life is so hard sometimes but still I am really sorry. I don't love you less, I suppose I only love me less. But hey I'm trying, I'm doing things that would make you proud, I know they would.

There's so many things I wish I could tell you, about my life, about Matt getting married?! I can't believe it. I know what you're thinking ''what in the world?!'' ha. And that super cute guy at the bar? You know which one right? Of course you do I never stopped talking about him anyways. I know you'd have a fit over us dating. ''You really are a bikers daughter aren't you Nikki?'' hah. Remember that Kiss vinyl that you once broke by accident? I still don't know what happened but I got a new copy and played it about a hundred times, I know you loved it. This could go on forever, I have a ton to say, but, for now, I'll wipe the tears off my face and put a smile on it instead.

The truth is, I'm not okay and I won't be for a long while but that's okay because sometimes it's okay to not be okay. You can't keep it together every moment of every day and that's normal, you're only human after all. You're trying and that means more then anything. Sometimes I ask myself ''why the hell am I even doing all this, what's the point?'' and then I literally slap myself because I know when the going get's hard that's no reason to give up and I never did, though sometimes I wish I would. Just crawl back to bed, tell the whole world to fuck off and let me be.

I realized that being lost is alright too, ''not all those who wander are lost'' right? I realized that I can be surrounded by people, people I know and like even or people I never met and feel completly alone because honestly there's just one person that I want next to me. And it's okay to feel that way, sometimes life gets messy like this but that's okay. It's okay to miss someone and it doesn't matter if people around you don't understand it. Maybe they never had what you had, a friendship that amazing, a partner that loving, parents that amazing or even a pet that was such a great companion. I envy these people actually, they never lost someone that important to them so they just don't know the pain.

You know I'm not religious but that's the only thing connected to it that I wish, hope, want to believe is real. When people say ''they're in a better place'' that they're right.

I miss you baby, so much, every damn day, and I love you, just as much as I always did, sweet dreams, I'll come see you tomorrow to update you with all the drama in my life right now. I can almost see you roll your eyes at me right now. Ha.

''Sometimes, at night I let it get to me and sometimes, I'm sure it gets to all of us. And last night it had me down, I'm feeling numb. I can try, but sometimes that is not enough. No, sometimes that is not enough.

And stop calling me out, we're never going to put the pieces back together if you won't let me get better. And stop digging it up, or we're never gonna see it all in bloom.''

God, not Tom, and not today.

You belong among the wildflowers, you belong in a boat out at sea. You belong with your love on your arm, you belong somewhere you feel free.