Heal me, I'm heartsick.

Do you know what it is about heartbreaks that hurts the most? Like that Rascal Flatts song says ''what hurts the most, was being so close, and having so much to say, and watching you walk away''. Maybe it's all the ''what ifs''. Or the fact that you imagined your life with that person, like 10 years into the future, you saw your future with them and now it's just blank, empty, dark, hopeless. Maybe it's when something happens, good or bad, and all you want to do is call that person and tell them and just as you're about to dial their number you remember you can't…can you imagine the pain when that person who gave you the best memories is a memory? Or when people ask you if you know them and you say ''I used to'' while a million fucking memories fly through your mind.

How does biology explain the physical pain you feel in your chest when you miss someone so much it hurts?  I think about such things at four in the morning, sipping coffee watching the skies change colours and listen to my favourite playlist that includes songs that either he loves or remind me of him and us and our memories and moments and the funny part is,…music used to touch my soul, and coffee used to taste like magic, and now,…now everything is just gray. What's that about?

Maybe heartbreak is watching that person hug, kiss, love someone else. Maybe that's what kills you in the end. Feeling like you're not good enough, like you're completely unloved and unwanted, maybe you lie to yourself that you needed this experience and this heartbreak in order to realise you deserve better. But do you really? What if what you had was perfect…but it just wasn't perfect for them?

Maybe the problem is that that one person who used to be everything to you, your entire world, center of your universe suddenly becomes everything that is wrong with you. The person that made you feel the happiest, makes you feel dead on the inside. Maybe this is the ultimate most painful kind of loss. When you lose someone, because they died, it hurts like hell, but you know that person didn't chose to leave you, you know they loved you and you know given the chance they would stay with you but this is different. A more painful type of loss, when someone decides to walk away, slowly melting away your soul and making sure they burnt every single tiny piece of your heart so there's nothing left to break anymore…maybe that's what's worse. Knowing full well they chose someone else over you.

I guess it's true what they say, you can be in a relationship for 2 years and feel nothing and you can also be in a relationship for 2 weeks and feel everything. Time has nothing on love, or pain or heartbreak.

Maybe in another life we could've made it, maybe we could've gotten that place in the city we were looking at and maybe we'd stay up late, barefoot in the kitchen making pancakes in our silly matching pyjamas. Maybe we could've decorate our place with our favourite art and go to museum dates all the time. Maybe we could've adopt that puppy we both wished we had….maybe we could've wake up every morning just feeling lucky to be in eachothers arms, maybe we could've be nothing but happy, but these are just dangerous thoughts and fantasies because when all is said and done, I'm sitting here alone still drinking coffee at 4 in the morning, listening to your favourite records and you're not here and you love her and not me.

It's true that when you're happy you enjoy the music but when you're sad you understand the lyrics…

In that spirit when I managed to turn off Sam Smith the cliche that I am (sorry Sammy, you know I love you) this is pretty much the only thing that's been spinning on my player for about a week…

I don't know much about these to be honest, save from the fact that I love them of course. They contain so many of my favourite song and artists. Sometimes it's nice to play a mix instead of listening to a whole album just to hear your favourite song.

The first one starts with ''Is this love'' by Whitesnake, which is a  song I always loved. First time I heard it live…tears, tears and more tears. Not much has changed to be honest it's still able to stirr up emotions. David's voice is beautiful, it was perfectly sung years back when his voice was so silky and it's perfectly sung now with a raspy voice too. Can you imagine though, the love he sings about? A love so strong that you just can't imagine life without that other person?  When you find that someone and you just long to be with them forever? I think that's what the song is about, endless love, a conection so strong nothing and nobody would break. ''I can feel my love for you growing stronger day by day, an' I can't wait to see you again so I can hold you in my arms…'' yeah that feeling.

Another song on side one is ''Keep on loving you'' by REO speedwagon. Not my favourite band at all but this song is beautiful. ''And I meant every word I said, when I said that I love you, I meant that I love you forever''. Wouldn't life be simple if it was like a retro pop song or metal ballad in this case. Wouldn't it be magical? I heard this song was written by Kevin Cronin after he found out his wife was cheating on him before they got married but instead of leaving her he decided to ''keep on loving her no matter what'' because that's what he promised. Excuse me while I fall on my bed, face first, and cry for a week. Why do we hurt ourselves like this? Makes no sense does it.

Side two starts with Scorpions ''Still loving you'' which is probably like a stab in the heart. Not enough to kill but enough to hurt. Why? You know how a single song can suddenly flash so many memories in front of your eyes? Yeah…Scorpios do that to me. So many amazing memories, one, a very movie like one, and it was perfect and now it's just painful. I loved this song always though, it's a beautiful song. See there's bands like say AC/DC who never wrote or preformed a power ballad in their life. Respect boys, respect but also what the fuck? Power ballads are what Godfather is to movies. You just can't not have it? People say such ballads are for pussies. I say those people are afraid of emotions. That's what power ballads are for me, stripped of everything but their voice, every emotion laid bare, the artist lays all his emotions on the line and when written and preformed right, you can feel everything they felt when the song was written. You know that little moment when the song slows down, the music drowns down and it's just their voice, rock musicians have such amazing, powerful voices and listening to them sing something emotional, something with so much feeling, that is a whole different experience. A ''sky full of lighters'' moment. Still wishing to cross that off my list but unfortunally all I see are cellphones. Modernity huh?

I guess ''Still loving you'' is that moment when he knows he really really really badly fucked up something. Like fucked your best friend in your bed or car kinda fucked up bad and this song is a six plus minute long apology and begging to take you back. It's a rollercoaster this one, so much tension and so much emotion. And this song is often overlooked just like ''You and I'' because of ''Wind of change'' which okay being tied to the fall of Berlin wall is far more important as a statement but not nearly as good as a song. Or pray tell ''Dust in the wind'', just no. Makes me wonder, this one, how things ended. Happy? Unhappy? Did he get a second chance after all?

Gary Moore ''Always gonna love you'', ''I'm always gonna love you, if loving means forever, I'm always gonna want you. I don't think I could ever, just forget the love we had.'' Need I say more? Perfect broken heart song.

What's also on side 2 is Europe's ''Carrie''. There's always a song with a girls name aint it? At least it's Carrie (isn't there a horror movie with a Carrie in it?) and not Candy or Melody, those give me serious stripper vibes. This is a song that is so overplayed my god. Europe has so many better songs, but like I saw them play years ago and Carrie is the only song everyone was singing along. No wonder. It's still a good song though and a worthy pick for a mixed ''tape''. (can't help it mixed tape just makes sense, mixed vinyl? Odd.)

Side two closes with what's gotta be my favourite moping song. I'm such a cliche, literally the person that will lie in bed, eat Nutella with a spoon and cry over this song. Nazareths ''Love hurts''. I know I know, don't even say it. On a better day I'm the first one to mock them ''who hurt you'' but on days like today, this song just makes sense. And honestly, if this song doesn't make you feel something than you have no heart at all. At the very start, whrn that guitar gently plays, with a couple cymbal crashes and then McCafferty's voice ''Love hurts, love scars, love wounds and mars, any heart not tough or strong enough, to take a lot of pain, to take a lot of pain, love is like a cloud holds a lof of rain, love hurts''. If you don't feel his pain in his voice, in these words…well bless you, you've never really been hurt I suppose. I can only imagine what it must of been like, to hear this live for the first time…woah. And then that solo comes around, and that one single note it's like a blade to the heart. It makes the tension stronger, it makes the pain more intense and it conveys every ounce of pain ever felt by anyone who's had their hearts broken. My heart hurts listening to this each time, so well done Nazareth, you're right. Love does hurt.

Other songs on this album are ;

Side one:

-          Whitesnake – Is this love?

-          MSG – Time

-          REO Speedwagon – Keep on loving you

-          Heart – Alone

-          Darxon – Hungry

-          Phenomena II – Did it all for love

-          Magnum – When the world comes down

Side two:

-          Scorpions – Still loving you

-          Gary Moore – Always gonna love you

-          Steeler – The deeper the night

-          Strangeways – Goodnight L.A.

-          Bonfire – Give it a try

-          Europe – Carrie

-          Nazareth – Love hurts

And then there's Volume 2, with a better cover picture (respect to the artist) and equally good opening song. Cinderella ''Don't know what you got (till it's gone).  Cinderella are on my top fave bands as is, I keep saying how damn underrated they are and especially Tom as a singer. His voice is pure magic and they would deserve far more credit than they get. This song is so packed with emotion, my god. Energy, power, emotion, everything flying everywhere. It's also their biggest hit. Not surprising really, even if other songs as I said deserve more credit as well. It's not so much about love lost, Tom said the idea for this song came to him one day while driving to the studio when he thought about all the success and how great his life is and how devastating it would be if it all went away. I actually love the story Tom told about this song. When he first told the great late Andy Johns about it, he was in no mood to listen to another half written idea and he said ''stop dicking around and get in here, there's work to do and we don't need yet another ballad.'' And when Tom badgered him and convinced him to play it for him, carried away by his piano playing and voice, and when he turned around this tall, buff, tough as nails guy (Andy) had tears streaming down his cheeks. ''At that moment I knew I had quite a song.'' Nothing describes the raw emotion better I'd say. Also that part ''tearing though my soul I just can't take another day, who's to blame''. I feel personally attacked by that strong emotional voice. Can I just for another moment say, congrats Tom, you went through hell and back and I am so happy you managed to defy all the odds. Respect.

Of course I can't look pass Poisons ''Every rose has it's thorn''. Poison are also my babies. I love all their music but I am sappy and stupid so obviously this one will be one of my favourites. Of course it's yet another song written after being cheated on. Ladies, I don't get you, you get yourself a man like that, and you cheat? I mean what? I'd love and worship him daily and be thankful he loves me like I love him, not fuck around with some cheap thrills. My god. Before we even move on let me just say I also feel personally attacked by the official video for this song. Especially first ten seconds. Are you crazy? Well the entire video really but especially the start. Holy shit, Michaels in this video is the reason I don't sleep at night (have y'all seen the maxi single cover? I die. Obviously I need it bad).

Aparently this song was written during touring for their first album and after a show Bret called his girlfriend, all homesick and lovesick and what happened? A man picked up a phone. He said it broke his heart and he poured all of his pain into this song. Well we can feel it, from that very first sigh on. I guess this is another perfect break up song. Another ''stab me in the heart it will hurt less'' moment.

Side two includes another one of my absolute fave babies, Motley Crue (dear god a reunion? My heart can't take much more after My Chem came back on the scene, are y'all aware they can both drop a new song at any given moment and none of us are ready??). 

''You're all I need'' by the Crue…well I'd personally go for the ''Without you'' instead but make no mistake this is a great song (before you really get into the lyrics and meaning that is). Back in the day (sorry but whats true is true, taking Panthers side here) Vince's voice was so amazing and I think it showed even more on slow songs what a really good preformer and singer he really is. The official video for this song starts with a warning ''The following video is based on a true story. The lyrical and visual imagery you are about to experience has been judged to be too strong by certain TV networks, both in the U.S. and abroad, and has been banned.'' And also ''but then who ever said that the six o'clock news was pretty?''. This is another bullshit case like censuring Poisons album was. The song / video talks about a violent relationship, doomed from the start, that ends when the man kills her, destroys their home and is taken by the police. Isn't this a story we've heard and seen countless of times? Isn't it important that this is talked about? Too many women (also men) suffer in such unbearable situations and the world just turns away till it's too late. Like Anna Frank said the dead get more flowers than the living because regret is stronger than just about any other emotion. So the video is too violent to be played on TV or too ''inapropriate'' but when we're all forced to watch degrading half naked twerking and ''Anaconda'' and other crap that's okay? Shit I'm clearly too old for this crap. Like Nikki said about this video it all has a positive and a negative side and people chose to only see the negative. It's not glorofying the tragedy it's raising awearness and sure as hell a lot less graphic then most of the crap we see on the news every single day. But the meaning stays I suppose ''You're all I need''. Don't we all want to be needed and wanted far more than just being loved. Love is love, but needing someone and feeling wanted and desired…that's far stronger. Either way, grousome lyrics and meaning aside, I love Vinces voice on this one, raw and emotional and perfect.

Other songs on this album are;

Side one:

-          Cinderella – Don't know what you got (till it's gone)

-          House of Lords – Love don't lie

-          Deep Purple – Soldier of fortune

-          Quiet Riot – Don't wanna be your fool

-          Darxon – Don't give up

-          Poison – Every rose has it's thorn

-          Bonfire –You make me feel

Side two:

-          Scorpions – Holiday

-          Kingdom Come – What love can be

-          Gary Moore – Empty rooms

-          Zed Yago – The pale man

-          Motley Crue – You're all I need

-          Nazareth – Dream on

You're right, the fact that I'm listening to such songs on repeat (as well as my ultimate favourite songs forever Bon Jovi's Always, Guns N' Roses November rain and My Chemical Romance The light behind your eyes) means someone hurt me and they hurt me bad. To say I've been through hell and back is an understatement but what else can one say. Music is the only thing that calms your soul, that is always there for you, that never gives up hope and never breaks your heart. To ''kids'' like us, it's the only comfort left on the planet. In the words of Mitch Lucker “ Keep listening to music, it gets you through everything. I promise."

Heavy metal rules

Another Monday? Ugh why? Didn't we just have one last week? Are we really gonna keep doing this?

It's about time I get back to ''business as usual'' right? So here I am for another album review. I don't know what it is but I've felt so un inspired to write about music these days. And I kinda really wanna write more about new releases. You know while they are still relevant. Yes Guns N' Roses, Rolling Stones and Bruce Springsteen will always be relevant but what I really mean is, writing about albums when they actually come out…

Alright, so this is about Steel Panthers newest album ''Heavy metal rules''. Here's the deal, I LOVE Panther, and I love their stupid music, and the entire design of this album is amazing. But the music? I'm not so sure of that one. I gotta admit that I liked ''Lower the bar'' a lot more than I do this one. Of course it's rather obvious that for this band you need a good sense of humour. And it's also obvious that this band is talented enough to write hits as good as (and in some cases better) any 80's hair metal band. But this album feels repetive and like it's more swearing than music.

The fact that they combined music and comedy as they did and they're keeping this act up for the better part of almost 20 years that is crazy impressive on it's own. And if you consider how successful they have become (playing biggest arenas in multiple countries) then you really can't deny them the spot in the music world they deserve. Even if our Sunday lunch consists of me turning on ''Rock Radio'' while we eat and ''Comunity property'' comes on and you just see my family members choking on soup one by one when they catch a verse or two of the song. Makes me giggle each time.

I take it you all saw the on going war between the Panthers and Nikki Sixx? I gotta say I was really annoyed with him. Nikki I mean, yeah yeah he's still my baby and I love him and all that but jesus tone down with the hypocricy would you? Stepping up to ''defend'' Vince Neil would only work if you weren't even meaner towards him in the first place. And let's not even start with this whole ''friends'' thing when we all know how the last tour looked like ''4 buses, 4 hotels and 4 planes''. Fact is, when Michael Starr replied to that question ''which dead rockstar you'd bring back if you could?'' with Vince Neil, I didn't even see it as an insult. Vince we see now and his vocal abilities are just a shadow of the Vince we once had. Sad but true. So this war right here? Makes me feel like someone (coughNikkicough) really just needs some attention.

Now back to the record. Musically I love it. Satchel is brilliant and shreds some incredibly firey solos on this album. But lyrically…I don't know, a lot of fuck this, fuck that, fuck everybody going on. I'm torn between rolling my eyes and going like ''well stop promising and have at it''. Before someone attacks me of being a ''snowflake'' or whatever the popular term is these days, I'm not offended by ''fuck'' or the gross sexism they tend to display, I know it's a joke (as inapropriate as it is) and I take it as such. What really bothers me is that after a while all the fucks get a little boring.

The album starts with ''Zebraman'' which is really a thirty second rant about how Heavy metal rules. No protest here. It really does. I agree. You know how it goes ''Death to all but metal''. And that fades into the first song ''All I wanna do is fuck (myself tonight)''. I can't even write these tittles without stupid giggles. Basically I'm 10 years old yes. Title aside, I'm quite confident in saying that this is one of the best songs on this album. It gives the allure to the movie Hangover and the video is just hysterical. But what I do love most is actually Michaels voice. You know early into Whitesnakes career (OMG would you believe I still don't have Whitesnakes new album???) when Davids voice was so silky smooth? It's kinda like that but perhaps even better.

''Lets get high tonight'' is rather self explanatory, don't I get that. Aren't we all searching for something to take the edge off? Life is too hard to stay sober all the time if you ask me. What's cool about ''Let's get high tonight'' is that it's more aggressive and heavier than most of this entire album but it could still be the best soundtrack for any party scene in any one of these dumb films they release these days.

I like ''Always gonna be a ho'', cuz it's like slow and easy then it grows into a really killer chorus, though the lyrics, ah well might as well be. I bet it's better live because it just sounds like a live anthem. It makes me literally laugh out loud thinking about it. Imagine this, in the 80's and later 90's you had your stadium anthems ''Living on a prayer'' or ''Sweet child of mine'', just thinking about hearing both live even now gives me goose bumps all over my body. And now stadium anthems are ''Comunity property'', ''Glory hole'', ''Always gonna be a ho''? so wrong. Where is all the romance gone to I wonder. And the worst part is that it works! Did y'all see Steel Panther at Wacken when Comunity property came on? OH.MY.GOD. I guess that's the only part that really kinda turns me off you know. I'm boring and romantic like that, to me a power ballad should be so sappy you need insulin not a song about hoes and skanks and bitches with lyrics you need birth control just to listen to if you know what I mean.

''Always gonna be a ho'' switches the gear to ''I'm not your bitch''. Now that's a song I can really relate to. Why? Because that is so true. I never was and never will be anyone's bitch. I've been walked on and used and abused so many times but now? Now it ends, I cut poisonous people out of my life and I will try my very best to work on a healthier lifestyle for myself. So there I aint nobody's bitch. Plus bonus Jay Ruston contributed to the sound on this album and in the rhythm part of this song I think it really shows.

I know I said all the ''fuck this fuck that'' on this record gets kinda boring, but the song ''Fuck everybody'' is actually brilliant. Maybe if there's a song like this where every other word is fuck the rest should be toned down. Anyways, I suppose this is about as much of a protest as we can get from the Panthers. But lets be honest, don't you get fucking pissed off at drivers doing stupid shit on the roads because they check their phones? Or people not picking up after their dogs and you step in it with your brand new shoes? It's enough to make one crazy believe me, or in Panthers case enough to make you say ''fuck everybody, everybody can suck my dick''. I mean, amen is all I can say to that. Though usually when I get super fed up and in a fuck everybody mode their ''crimes'' are a bit more serious.

''Heavy metal rules'' which has the same title as the album is kinda a let down really, rather repetive and boring with the whole ''heavy metal rules and everybody else can suck my dick'' okay Michael we get it you want your dick sucked. Though I believe the ''message'' if we can even extract one from it, is that they actually love heavy metal and being idiots on stage. God bless them for wanting to bring hair metal back. Nobody and I do mean nobody would be happier than me if spandex, tights, long hair and makeup on men comes back. For real!

This is the point where feminists probably stop listening and to be honest I have to admit I was a bit conflicted too but then I was like ''fuck it, all in good fun''. The songs that follow are titled ''Sneaky little bitch'' and ''Gods of pussy''. To be fair that second one, the title, I can't stop chuckling over it. God bless you if that's true. Too many women complain how their men don't know what they're doing in that department. You know what Freddie Mercury said ''I pitty your wife if you think 7 minutes is forever''. Kinda the same thing if you know what I mean. The song itself? Eh. Also rather boring. Repetive. No real text just going on and on with the ''gods of pussy''. We get it.

''Sneaky little bitch'' um…lyrics may be a bit much even for me. Not something I'd imagine myself singing along to without turning the colour of egg plant.  Respect boys I don't blush that easy. But the guitar on both songs? Amazing. Satchel is so good I sometimes wonder if it's not a shame. You know, he could EASY shred through any Metallica song (sorry Kirk, please don't kill me) and by that I don't mean replacing members I just mean…playing in a different band, where it's not all just a joke. I get that's what he wants but that doesn't stop wondering. I get a serious Eddie Van Halen vibe with him. But not just Satchel really, under the dick jokes and offensive sex references there are 4 insanely talented musicians that know very well what they are doing. Talent doesn't even begin to cover it.

The album ends with a ''power ballad'' ''I ain't buying what you're selling'' with acoustic guitar and keyboard. And also, quite possibly the least offensive lyrics they could muster up. Leaves you curious if they ever wanna change and be ''serious'' and you know what? God forbid. As rude as offensive as they are I never want them to change. I love them just as they are. The world is too serious as is aint it? Though maybe change up the vibe of whatever you release next, this one is good overall but it's not great as it could be, it kinda lacks the catchiness and greatness the past songs had. It feels kinda…tired, like songs that someone had laying around and decided to give them a second shot after they were ruled out as not good enough. 

Else the vinyl design? Oh hell! This is literally my first ''clear'' vinyl and it's like blue splattered type thingy. And I died when I took it out for the first time because it is gorgeous. Lets just not get into what it actually reminds me of. Dirty thoughts all around. Hah.

Either way, I still enjoyed this one and it made me laugh out loud a couple of times. So I'd give it a listen if you're curious about the band, if not, I'd still get it just because it's super gorgeous. Hah. And if nothing else they catch the great essence of 80's rock and metal music which as I said I would just die to have returned. Back then music meant something, today, it's all bullshit.

So give this one a spin or a listen or better yet, go check out some YT videos from the boys. They instantly cheer me up when in a bad mood. Which is every Monday morning. Or Monday. Or morning.

Now if you'll excuse me, ''suffering'' from a mad artist inspiration rush and I feel like I may just die if I don't get a blank piece of paper and a box of new sharp deliciously smelling coloured pencils.

Happy Monday (if that's even possible).

Is it just me or is it getting crazier out there?

You know what's the one thing I hate about Halloween? Knowing that when the clock strikes midnight on ''All Hallows Eve'' bam, fucking Christmas everywhere. No, you're right, my distaste towards Christmas hasn't changed. If anything I might despise it more. Our shopping malls have been stocked up on Christmas stuff since last week! God damn animals. All of them! How dare they sell tacky Christmas crap before Halloween? Where can a girl get some fake blood and face paint these days? Seriously!

People though. Never caring about Halloween and suddenly partying like Kanye? What is that about? Did I miss the memo? Is Halloween now slutty costumes, boozy drinks and dry sex on the dance floor? What happened to cute dates in Haunted houses or hay mazes and pumpkin spice lates with leaves crunching under your feet? I'm getting too old for this crap I tell you. Not Halloween per say, just, evolution I'd say. I'm too old school to deal with the modern world.

Also people who don't like Halloween. Uhm excuse me but like, what the hell is the matter with you? It's Halloween. It's a holiday when you are NOT obliged to visit your relatives, who we all secretly hate anyways. People give you candy for no reason and also it's pefectly fine to go outside dressed like a god damn zebra if you want to. And lets not even start with Halloween Oreos. What is there not to love?

To be fair, what I think is that the further we get from magic and mystery in our everyday lives, the more we need something like Halloween. SO in that spirit, as unoriginal as it might be, I let my inner Joker come out and play. I know I should probably dress up a credit card, because let's be honest, I'm always either used or denied. BUT dramatics aside, I didn't chose the Joker because I lack originality but rather because I really felt a conection with the character. This has nothing to do with my ''slight'' crush on the amazing man that is Joaquin Phoenix (or his brother River) but with the fact that his pain, his suffering, his fight with mental illness is relatable. And most of all, the way people treat him. That is relatable.

''The moon has awoken, with the sleep of the sun. The light has been broken, the spell has begun.''

H A P P Y  F U C K I N G  H A L L O W E E N

P.S. You guys! There's finally happy news to report. Like if y'all are with me for a while now...you may remember the crying sobbing posts from March 22nd 2013. That was a dark day...and you'll remember all cough fifty cough posts that followed...all about my broken heart. My Chemical Romance split up and in turn split my heart apart. Gerard Way said ''promise me, when My Chemical Romance is done, you'll do what it takes to survive. You're strong enough to do it without us.'' I am ashamed to admit how many tears I cried over this band. You guys! I'm like crying while I type this...THEY ARE BACK. This time for real, no jokes, no false alarms, this is not a drill, My Chem are back. And seriously, there are so many things wrong in my life, so many fucked up things, but there is one thing that is very right and that is one of my favourite bands being back and I swear to god and anyone listening, it's like the sun had actually risen again. I know most of you wont understand this. But for me, it took a little miracle to show me that life can still be happy and worth living and that happier days are ahead. Well this was my miracle. My boys are back and I am so happy.

Listen up! The future is bulletproof, the aftermath is secondary. It’s time to do it now and do it loud, KILLJOYS MAKE SOME NOISE.