Crossfire

I've been sitting on the floor next to my bed for over an hour, playing with a necklace around my neck that used to belong to someone very important to me. A very good friend of mine put it around my neck years ago. No special reason, it wasn't a gift, it was just us being silly as usual. I always have necklaces and bracelets on me, I guess that day I had nothing and he found it odd so he ''fixed it''. Fixed it like telling me to sit still and put it around my neck while commenting my perfume, saying I smell nice. Lol. Ironically to this day that very perfume he liked is one of my favourites. Maybe that much more because it reminds me of him, I don't have it no more, only wish I did, but it's one of those things, a song, a smell that triggers strong memories…The necklace itself, it's nothing special, the type of chain soldiers use for their dog tags but I guess today it's more precious than solid gold. You guessed it right, said friend is no longer with us and I wake up everyday bitter and angry and not wanting to accept it. I can't play God obviously but I can't shut off the anger I feel. I can't say I don't feel like it should be anyone else but him. I can't say I'm not angry when I see people wasting their lives when he didn't get to fully live his. I'm angry and I'm bitter and I'm furious and I can say that out loud.

I don't talk about him much. Part of me doesn't want to, part of me wants to scream how amazing he was. Part of me is dying on the inside right now at the use ''was'' I shouldn't be using was. It's not right. Part of me wants to keep him, us, our friendship hidden. Because people tend to ruin beutiful things. Part of me wants to tell the world what they're missing out on, why the world is fucking dark and gloomy and why the sun will never be as bright again. 

No matter what I say will give him justice anyways, no matter how loud I scream about his beautiful personality, there aren't words. No words to describe him. There are approx. 470 000 words in English language and it's not enough. Maybe I can tell you about some other stuff. Moments. Little pieces of our friendship….

You know there's not many things that scare me. Put a knife on my throat and chances  are I'll laugh. But, there's one thing that I absolutely can't stand. Spiders. God damn spiders are the worst thing to ever happen to this planet. And I live with people who don't seem to understand that no I'm not dramatic, and no fear is not my fault. I can't help it. I know it's irrational, I know it's stupid, I know it's pointless, I know they can't hurt me (in theory – y'all heard of those poisonous Australian beasts right?) but that doesn't take away from being afraid of them. And all my life I dealt with mockery, laughter, being told I'm stupid…and then one day, near panic attack due to what I can only call an eight legged huge monster crawling up my arm, I was shaking, almost sobbing, when said friend comes running, literally because he heard me scream. I didn't expect mockery mind you, he's not that kinda person but I did not expect what he did either. Threw the spider off, and very soothingly hands on my arms, told me to calm down, to take a deep breath and that my fear is normal, rational, nothing to be ashamed of. That was enough to make me sob. The understanding, love and care…it may not seem like a big deal to you but to me it was.

I don't consider myself an artist you know. Not in the real sense anyways. An amateur at best. I was used to getting more negative comments than positive all my life. I live in a hateful country and no matter what you do, you're never good enough, but that's alright, I mean it's not alright as in alright, people shouldn't treat each other like that. It's only alright in the sense, I knew what people are like, I knew what to expect, I grew up being my worst enemy and critique, always putting myself down. And him? He was my biggest fan and supporter. No matter what I did, what I drew, what I wrote, he thought it was the greatest thing ever and he never let me doubt myself or put myself down because there's always someone better, ''yeah Nikki there may be but that doesn't mean that you can't be them someday, they started somewhere too''. He encouraged me to write boldly, and let my feelings on paper. ''Bleed on paper''. I guess that's what I'm doing now, not bleeding on paper but bleeding on these words I type. Typing works…talking doesn't. I feel myself getting choked up. And that's besides the point, nobody would understand, I often feel alone in my pain, it's hard to open up, and it's hard to talk to people. 

Maybe I could tell you about those countless moments when life was just too hard, things were overwhelming and he'd find me crying somewhere away from people. There were no words spoken, no words needed. He'd hug me and it would hug the sadness away. Sometimes I could swear I feel his arms around me and his lips on the top of my hair or forehead. It's crazy but I guess that's just my mind playing tricks on me when the missing gets unbearable. He'd always tell me that nothing, no person, no thing, no problem is worth my tears and that we'll solve it together. He was my support system in more ways I can count and having him gone, well that explains why the fuck I'm so lost and broken, because a part of me is literally missing. 

Maybe I could tell you about these things around his neck and wrists, thick chains and too many bracelets. They make this specific noise, a rattling one, clinking metal. It would put a smile on my face when he walked behind me (or tried to sneak up to me) and I always heard him before I saw him. These days that very sound breaks my heart. I keep expecting to see him and I don't. And it hurts each time. The kind of pain that splits your soul in two. The kind of pain you can't explain to someone who never felt it. 

Perhaps I could tell you about countless scars that are littered around my body. Arms mostly. The way nothing set me straight like he did. Never angry, never accusatory. Always supportive. Always nice. Always loving. Just firm enough to make me realise that what I'm doing isn't the answer. 

Maybe I could tell you how he was one of the few people there for me when my life took a really bad turn. Things were as bad as fucking possible and I didn't see no way out. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to move on. And he gave me a glorious speech about life and love and loss and meaning of everything and ''you're a tough boss bitch you gonna let those fuckers fuck around like this?'' always with the colorful language but always knowing just what to say. Always knowing what to do. Always shielding me from more pain, more heartbreak. I just never knew he's going to be the one breaking my heart like this someday. 

He never told me the whole story, he never told me our time together is limited. He never told me he's basically living on borrowed time. And I love him even more for that. I was angry at first, I never got my last goodbye, I felt like he robbed me of that, but he knew me better than I know myself, he knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. He knew I'd lose my mind always wondering, always fearing I'm losing time, always being scared it's the last time we talk. I'd never sleep again if I knew. He knew that so he never let it slip. And he was just tough as nails, never caring about his own struggles but always attentive to his friends, family. Always there for all of us no matter what.  There's not many people like him out there, which is why each time one is taken, the world is a little bit darker and the sun a little less brighter.

I didn't plan on making this personal, but maybe that's a way to let go of some of the grief, some of the anger I feel. Let's face it that's probably impossible but maybe…it's worth a try. 

It's been a challenging couple of years for me. It felt like when bad shit started it just kept on going without an end in sight. I guess if you glanced at the side, the ''fallen heroes'' dedication box, all the musicians I admire and we lost too soon…I suppose you noticed one name in a different color. Yeah. I don't like talking about it. Just as the friend above this wound is fresh too. I didn't imagine losing my dad at this age. No ''kid'' ever does. I mean yeah it's normal, kids bury their parents, it should never be the other way around, but not at this age. 

Just like the friend above this was a shock too. In a blink of an eye, someone you love is gone and you're left here with grief, anger, emotional baggage with no hope of ever processing. Relationship I had with my dad was complex, ups and downs like we all have but I can only blame our stubborn nature and not being able to talk like normal people about what's bothering us. We lost so much time due to plain and simple being stupid. But I am grateful for the time we've got, at least there was less left unsaid. 

Maybe no real closure is what's bothering me, I was pushed aside, from seeing him in the hospital, from planning the funeral, from going through any of his stuff…it's crazy but it makes everything seem surreal. Sort of…I don't know like a lie? I know I sound crazy I'm aware but that's how I feel. 

It's another aspect of all of this that I don't want to talk about but, in such cases one can expect to lean on their family. I think. Don't ask me, my only idea of normal functioning relationships is from Disney movies and we all know what's that like. I didn't expect much, I didn't expect money, I didn't expect their worlds to start revolving around me, god forbid, but I expected a little support, a little help being lost in a world I didn't understand, a world of pain. And I most definatelly did not expect what I got. A lawsuit. A lawsuit based on lies and deception and so much hatred which to this day I'm not sure what I did to deserve. 

It was me who lost everything when the family cleaned out his apartment, making it as if they erased his entire existance, it's unbearable pain to not have any memories of my dad. No pictures, none of his favourite music, none of his own music, not even his favourite lighter, or a shirt or two to remind me of him. I know you don't need objects to remember someone but that doesn't take away from the fact that it would be nice to have something. Instead I was met with cold walls, empty, impersonal apartment that could belong to anyone. Suddenly my name was on the ownership papers and it felt so distant I could never call it home. More prison than it was home. 

And it was me who nearly lost everything when the family ordered an expensive funeral, one I was pushed away from, couldn't pick out the music, couldn't pick out the flowers and was tricked into allowing it billed to me. It was me who was left alone with the huge bill and no money to pay it, while the family shamlessly received envelopes at the funeral. ''Something to help you with expences''. I had bill collectors breathing down my neck, threathening to throw me out of my house. I didn't want their money, I didn't want their help, I just wanted a little support, I wanted honesty, I wanted I don't even know what. I wanted a little bit of a say. I wanted something to make me feel like less of a stranger at my own dads funeral. I didn't get one card in the mail. One single card. Like I never mattered. Like I was never a part of that family. Today I'm glad, I don't want to be associated with those people, but at the time it was just pain pain pain. They lost a distant relative, a second son they never cared about, but I lost a dad. Each daughter and each father reading this knows what's it like. Every daughter is a daddy's girl, might be 5 or 50, that doesn't change. And it's not at all possible for me to process that my dad will never be there when I finally graduate, get married, perhaps have kids someday. I can't process we're never seeing the Stones together like we planned or about one hundred other things we planned on doing.

And I can't process how the one person I'd want at the funeral with me was my boyfriend and the family didn't even invite him. He wasn't welcome, because he isn't good enough for them. ''Just a musician'' not a space shuttle engineer or a doctor or a fucking sleazy politician. Today that's another thing I'm happy about, I'd be embarassed, he shouldn't see the type of people that have my same last name. Which is about the only simmilarity. I am nothing like them and thank god. But looking at it back then. Pain. Anger. Lonliness. Hatred. 

I guess that alone would be enough to send someone spiraling. In a time when you need love and support and are still dealing with things you never faced before. Bills, realestate, bank loans… it was a type of growing up I didn't expect at that age but it is what it is right? I was thrown in the water and did my best to swim. What was the last drop in the fucking ocean was the first birthday without dad, that was bad enough, no text, no nothing, but on that early morning october eight the mailman rings, see I didn't think much about it, my boyfriend sends me flowers every birthday as did my friend, the one mentioned above so imagine my surprise when instead of flowers the mailman with a glum expression gives me a thick envelope from the court. A lawsuit. From the family. Suing me for over 100 000 euros, claiming I owe them all this money. I won't get into how and why, it's a long dirty story and I'm already at the brink of losing it, sobbing, or smashing dishes. Maybe both. Nobody should get sued on their birthday. Nobody should get sued by their family in the first place. But unfortunally that's the ''culture'' here. We love doing it. Ironically they demand money from me I don't have and have no way of getting and give me 10 days to pay. Laughable. Here I am completely destroyed with guilt and grief and that was basically just the cherry on top. Banks breathing down my neck threathening to take everything I have to repay the loan that I inherited, companies threathening me with lawsuits over unpaid bills. Insurance business' badgering me to pay for insurance I didn't sign for and then add expensive lawyer bills on top of all that.

One would think things would end at that, but I can not literally CAN NOT put into words the agony, the pain, the horror and torture the next two years of court battles were. The sheer lies told, the pure hatred which I can't for the life of me imagine where it came from. What kind of a vile, despicable human being actually has that much anger and hatred inside them? I can't imagine doing something like this to people I hate, nevermind someone that shares my DNA. Sitting in a court room listening to lies, nastiness about you, about your dad from his own mother and brother….that's next level crazy. That's something out of Hollywood movies. You can never imagine it happening to you. 

I didn't have time to grieve properly. I didn't have time to process, I was trying to finish college exams and struggling with lawyers in between. And I did it. I did it why? Because said best friend kept incouraging me, telling me I can do it, telling me I'm a tough bitch and a wolf and I gotta keep biting and never let them see an ounce of pain or fear. I was about ready to give up so many times and he didn't let me. He called me at two in the morning, listening to all this family drama, entertaining ideas about drowning each and every one of them with me. He was loving and supporting in a time I needed love and support so much, and I have no doubt if I called him to help me get rid of them all he'd be there with a shovel and an alibi. All this pain, all this torture and he could wipe it all away with a pretty smile, tight hug and reasurring words ''it's all gonna be okay''. And even if it wasn't it didn't matter because it felt okay. That was what mattered.

It's been a long two year battle when I got the news I won. I didn't think I would, because let's be honest, placing trust in courts and justice…yeah that's usually a lost battle from the get go. My lawyer expences were paid by them, not in full, a third maybe, and that was that. All I had to show for my pain and torment of two years was less than 2k on my bank account. Maybe that's why I'm so angry. I wanted them to hurt. Hurt like I did. No, hurt worse, ten times worse. Twist the knife like they did on me so many times.  I know it's not worth it, I know I'm only hurting myself with this, I know they don't care, they never did, but something doesn't allow me to let it go. Maybe the fact I never got closure, maybe the fact that I never got revenge, never got something I would consider as fair. Maybe the sheer treatment. I don't know what's wrong with me, everything and nothing. I am not the type of human they made me, I am not a monster, I hate what I became because of them, hate it but I can't help it. I can't fix myself. 

And then what? You know me, from my words on here I mean, you know what's the one thing, what's my therapy, what's my happy place, what makes me feel alive, and sane, and happy, and okay. Concerts. Music. That's my passion, that's all I live for. And just when the court battles ended, just when I felt like maybe I can breathe, start to heal, start to somehow move on, or try at least. Corona happens and all my concerts are cancelled, tickets returned. And now here we are, second year into this madness and I don't know what to do with myself.  I feel like that passion inside me is gone, the fire is out. I feel lost, like I'm somewhere in space. Existing and not existing at the same time. Going through the motions without any real motivation to even get out of bed in the morning never mind living. It seems ridiculous and crazy I know, but some people have therapy and some people have music. I can't stand that I've been without that adrenalising feeling for so long. That lost in the music, lost in a happy place where pain doesn't exist for so long.

To me music is that, concerts are that. You check the pain and heartbreak at the door. Negative emotions are not allowed in a concert venue, you feel the music rattle through you and you feel no pain. You're not alone, there's thousands of other people with their own sad (or happy) stories around you, from all over the world, every color, every nationality and you're all there because you love that one same thing. I love that so much. And that security system, that happy place, that's gone now, and it's a big question mark on when we get that back. In a normal scale. 60 000 people, screaming along to the lyrics at a stadium, no restriction, no bullshit. Sigh. 

I don't know you guys. Life has been a lot lately. I wish I had something smart to say. Some advice, some…I don't know something uplifting. But I don't have the right words. It was always my friends department to uplift people, to make them feel better, to make them less alone. I guess all I got is the desire to be more like him, stronger, tougher, a survivor, being able to standing up without falling, but I guess in a way, in my own way I'm strong too, fighting for this long, people who fall and manage to pick themselves up again hold all my admiration. And I only hope one day I manage to pick myself up too. Make my friend proud of me, be more like him, positive, nice, an inspiration to someone. I hope I get to move on with my life. Process the grief, the anger, the loss. Process everything and maybe, just maybe find a tiny bit of happiness. I don't really want much just a little bit of breathing room, love and understanding and a life that's a life worth living not just surviving.

I learned to live half alive, now you want me one more time.

Another Friday you guys. So much shit happened this week that I could sit here and bitch about that alone. How would y'all like that? Maybe that I sit here and babble about the news while I sip Rose? Not even joking something new popped up here ''Wine to go'' Rose in a glass from the store, you just pop the top and drink on the go. Amazing. You know me, Italian wine. Italy. Fuck I miss Italy. And I love wine. But what I meant is, how about a vlog and we go over some interesting news? Yes I know, y'all are just dying for my super smart opinions and views of the world. Hah. Though to be serious I'll start drinking before each outing these days. People. Ugh. I can't take it no more. They're all horrible.

What I find super important which literally happened hours ago is that a new song by Kip Moore came out, it's called ''Good life''. Make sure you go check it out. Far cry from country music. At least that real ''Johnny Cash / Willie Nelson'' type country but I love it, it's different, not what we're used to from him but I love a bit of experimentation. Well I may also be biased. Y'all know I love that boy. And cute story, I can literally buy a signed stage used mike of his but I can't get his last album / deluxe version. Wtf? I'm so fucking pissed. Been really looking forward to it. Oh well ''good'' life aye. 

So instead of a ''smart'' vinyl review which I honestly think nobody really cares about no more here's a short book review. I literally read this book in half a day, it really sucked me in. Which is kinda strange, I'm not usually one for criminal novels. You know me, I like fantasy, and I like romance, but this was a nice change. 

( Jennifer Hillier / Jar of hearts / fiction, criminal, murder, rape )

Quick summary would be that this is a story about three best friends, one was murdered, one went to prison and one was searching for the truth all those years. 

Everything below here will include spoilers so if you don't want to read those, stop right here. 

So what surprised me was that I literally couldn't put this book down. Started reading and then I just had to know how it ends so I spent the entire afternoon completely consumed by it, meaning literally walked to the bathroom holding the book. It really is a riveting book. And it got me thinking. Our choices in life…they really do define us. Yes okay we're not the mistakes we made, hopefully we learned from them too but really, if you do something utterly stupid you gotta suffer the concequences, you gotta pay the price for it. Though I still believe people should be given a second chance. One horrible mistake, one horrible choice, shouldn't mark you as a horrible person for life.

I guess we all kinda got fascinated by murderers at some point, maybe it's just me, in matching onesie with my cat, watching a TV show on Ted Bundy, who lets face it looks like he needs a hug not death penalty. Which I am strongly against btw, not only that punishing a murderer with murder is stupid purely because what does that make you? A murderer right? And also I'm against it because death is easy, it's life that's hard. 

Okay so the book is cut into several parts, it begins with Georgina or Geo for short on trial where she's sentenced to five years in prison for her role in disposing the body of her best friend Angela that went missing 14 years ago. You know the type, Angela type, pretty, cheerleader, popular, loved by everyone. Angela was murdered by Geo's sexy older boyfriend Calvin also known as the ''Sweetbay Strangler''. The heat Geo was getting was for not speaking up sooner because before Calvin was caught two more bodies dropped. I guess yes if she spoke up maybe he'd be caught, but also maybe he wouldn't be. He escaped prison after Geo's trial so who knows what would of happen. 

The whole what if always drives me mad. Always. I keep spinning in circles thinking about my life, what if I was accepted to the school I wanted. What if I never did some stupid shit I did when I was younger. What if I managed to patch up my relationship, where would we be today? What if I was happy? Do I even know what that is? You know what I mean. What and if are just words, but put together have the power to utterly wreck your life. 

The third friend Kaiser (Kai for short, has me on high alert, I love that name so much) is now a cop. Can't decide how I feel about that, you know I love his character but I do not love cops. Lol. If there's any cops reading this, I'm sorry, I'm sure y'all are good people but personal experience says otherwise. But speaking from a point of the story, and the choices we make, whatever happened to Angela happened in highschool when the three were 16. I wonder if that was what made Kaiser go into law enforcement. If certain things happening motivate you, make you wanna do certain things. Would he be a cop if his best friend wasn't missing? Would Geo realise her fiance is no good for her and that her current life isn't really what she should be doing if it wasn't interrupted by jail time? I wonder, is where we are at certain parts of life, exactly where we should be? Even if jail? What if there's some higher purpose. Call it destiny if you will but what if that's exactly what and where we should be no matter how hopeless it feels, because that hoplessness will lead us to something better? 

I gotta say I was fascinated by the character of the Sweetbay Strangler. My family calls me a sociopath each morning when I pour myself a black cup of coffee with no sugar and no milk so maybe that explains it but really I find him fascinating. His general behaviour towards Geo, it's fascinating. Of course the fact that he's a pretty boy pulls you in that much more. You don't expect serial killers to look like top models, you don't expect them to be completely normal, nice, charming. Or maybe you do because that's the best cover up? It's often that serial killers kill women but end up being good husbands and fathers. Isn't that fascinating? 

So just before Geo is released from prison, police discovers two more bodies, one of a child and one of a woman. Another week later, two more bodies are found. And all clues lead to the Sweetbay Strangler. Murders happen in the same way, his way. And while I was lying on my bed muttering ''copy cat'' the entire time under my breath, I will not tell you if I was right or not. Not going to spoil the best part of the book. 

I'd maybe change the ending a bit. Make it more elaborate, it felt a bit rushed. A bit like, the writer has a deadline and instead of giving the story an ending it would deserve you just abruptly end things, some stuff was left…a bit unclear to say the least. That aside, I still liked the idea of the ending, I liked how it ended. You know me I don't do tragic endings so angsty story with a happy end? Perfect. I guess I gave that away now, but the book does in fact have a happy end. Well, depends on who's side you're on.

But that's about it, all I'll tell you on the book I mean, the plot twist in between is too good to give out. Now excuse me while I get another wine to go, and a bag of Nutella cookies (brilliant stuff omfg) and go sit on the sun, such a nice day, finally getting warmer too, and the summer being in me is doing excited flips. Cheers, enjoy the weekend guys. Grab a cold one for me too, lord knows I aint seeing the inside of a bar anytime soon. 

Are we even still, Alive?

I've been really struggling with writing lately. Writers block. I guess. Or the fact that things I could write about are all too private, too R rated, and some just too painful. Maybe sometimes I find it stupid to write anyways. I'm mostly amusing myself and my few loyal readers (cheers guys I love you) but fact is as much as I want it, I'll never be popular like one of them influencers. I don't want to be tbh, I'm not stupid or naked enough for them but a few more hits, a few more readers, knowing that people care about what I write, knowing I maybe with my opinions and views changed someone elses…that'd be nice. 

I noticed this state or the world really killed my creativity. Drawing. Photography. Writing. Everything is too much trouble. Getting dressed in the morning is a hassle. Nevermind thinking and doing and being creative. Fucking impossible my god. The state of the world is really killing me tbh. Not being able to get away from it all, to just have a moment of peace and quiet is killing me. I can't put it into words what a strong desire to throw my laptop out my fucking window I get when I google a Finnish word and google asks me ''did you mean Coronavirus'' fucking fuck you google, words don't even look alike, and I for sure did not mean coronavirus. It never ends. You can never get away from it and that's all I want. For the world to shut the fuck up. We all have our own opinions, we all have the right to choose and all this bullshit force feeding is slowly but surely driving me crazy. 

Thing is, how do you make sense of all this crap that's happening? How do you make sense of anything really? How do you make sense of life? The world? Love? How do you explain anything? How does anyone? You know Isaac Newton thought that the world works like the gears in a clock. A well oiled machine. I guess that could give you some comfort, a sense of order, a sense of predictabilty, but that idea has been shot down by physics of the modern world, so we're back to square one. The universe is a strange strange place and we're nothing but insignificant moments that pass by faster than you can imagine. Sometimes everything seems pretty pointless to be honest. 

So while I pour myself a cold one (got a box full of it free from our local brewery – cheers guys I love you) and put on some music…here's a couple words on this album that's playing right now. I promise to hold back on the ''cute cupcake'' comments this time. We all know he's cute and I've been staring at him on my laptop wallpaper all day for months so, moving on. 

Would it be weird to get his signature tattooed though? Asking for a friend. Lol. 

You can check out Davids views on the current state of the world on picture four, it's at the begining of the CD booklet. While he put things into words very nicely it really annoys me because it brings us to the point of the issue. Everything revolves around THAT. You can't get away. You can't live in your own ''bubble''. ''I can't wait to see you all again''. Yes David, me too. Seeing you, seeing everyone I love again, but as you said there's no end in sight. Bless you if you can keep on holding to hope but seems to me that my hope has been long gone. 

But you're right about one thing, this album sure did take my mind off my worries for a little while and took me to a happier place. Well, places. Happier times. Concert life. Travel life. Living life. Feeling ALIVE. Shame the momentum was gone as soon as the CD ended. 

Songs on this album are as following; 

1. Stayin Alive

2. What a wonderful world

3. Happy

4. Paint it black

5. Beauty and the beast

6. Hit the road Jack

7. Dance of the Knights

8. Shallow

9. Enter Sandman

10. Circle of life

11. Thriller

12. Confutatis

13. Let it go

14. Bella Ciao

15. The 7th Allegretto

16. Game Rhapsody

First thing that stands out to me is that there are three songs from Disney movies. Okay, I know I said I won't go there with the cutey and so on but just one quick comment because it's melting my heart thinking about watching Disney movies with him. ''Netflix and chill'' kinda thing you know. Yeah that'd be nice. But moving on because really I feel like my point isn't getting across. I am not a fan because I think he's drop dead gorgeous, I am a fan because he is mad talented. It seems insane if you look at me the ''gothic Barbie'' as a friend calls me…but I have several CDs from all kinds of classical composers, with Bach being one of my faves (actual Johann Sebastian Bach not the pretty Bach you see at the side here). I actually started listening to Davids classical works first before going into rock crossovers which tbh were a gift from god himself for me. It's like two of your favourite pop punk bands going on tour together (All time low and Neck deep omg! One of my fave concerts ever. Fuck I miss concerts so much.), or finding a perfect outfit and then hearing it comes in black too. Or when they make a movie based on a book you like and it doesn't actually suck. Magic. 

You know that the New York Times calls him ''a wizard on the strings''? yup. So this ''Alive'' album is actually called ''Alive, My soundtrack'', first thing I noticed is that it came out on October 9th, a day after my birthday. Idk just find that nice for some reason. It makes no difference I just thought it's a cute coincident. Like my first and only concert of his I saw was also almost my birthday, October 12th. I didn't really check out on his website what he says about this album. I tend to avoid his website out of two reasons. One being the same as any other musicians website right now, the ''cancelled'' and the ''postponed'' messages make me sick to my stomach. And the other is, well have you seen the official site? His brilliant photographers and their work plastered all over is giving me serious heart palpitations, brain fog and hot flashes like I'm experiencing menopause.  No joke. The man is sexy okay. 

What I do know is that the album was recorded literally during the first lockdown and second and third, ah who's keeping track by now…and it must be a surreal experience. I mean you usually set a time, okay, here's a year, we're going to do this in this year, sometimes in between touring, we all know dates tend to get pushed back but normally that's how it goes. But here you are now, recording in a completely new world really. Completely different conditions and basically no real time limit. How do you even go about it? With so many songs in the world, so much music you love? Where do you start? I can't decide between my couple hundred albums what to listen to, never mind if I was picking a track list (almost wrote set list – I swear I'm going crazy) with only the best rock and pop rock songs. 

I know they recorded twice as many songs as there are on the CD…so, David, you know ''Use your Illusion'' has I and II? I mean I'm just asking…

Considering the foreword above and of course the title, it's pretty obvious that this album is very personal. Maybe the most personal of all of his records which there have been plenty of so far. It makes me wonder though, what do these songs mean to him. What memories they take him back to. I know what I feel, what I see, what makes me smile when a certain song comes on, but I can't help the curiosity, what memories do they bring up for him. It's one of those things I'd love to do, sit down and chat with such a brilliant musical mind to see what inspires them, what makes them who they are, where gives them the drive and the passion for their work. Why these songs. Why this type of music. Why…anything and everything really. One artist to another, though I barely consider myself an artist. Even less so lately. Inspiration and passion comes and goes I get it, but I have never felt like this before. 

David said in an interview; ''My heart beats for all the songs on this album, because I have an intense connection with every single one of them. To put it simply, I carry a little piece of all of them in my heart.''. That is what I'm curious about. What makes these songs so special. Especially Frozen's Let it go, though surprisingly I don't even have a problem imagining David as Elsa. Hah. 

I think the start of the album ''Stayin' alive'' is pretty damn genius. Why? Because what were we trying to do this pass year? Staying alive. Not because of a virus but because of going absolutely and utterly crazy. Though I think we could discuss how ''alive'' we really are at this point. I don't know about you guys but I feel rather zombie like lately. Going through the motions but not really living. Barely even breathing. I don't know. 

I'm going to go on a wild guess and say that ''What a wonderful world'' is on the album for the same reason I like it. It's such an emotional and beautiful song. The times it was written in were tough like times are now but still the song has this allure of hope. It feels hopeful and as a piece itself it's timless like Coco Chanels little black dress. And I'm going to take another wild guess that he listens to ''Enter sandman'' on a morning jog (if he does jogging) because that's what I'm blaring when angrily punching and kicking my boxing bag (or sparring partner) trying to get all the frustrations out through my martial arts training. I guess that's about as much as I can guess on the ''personal meaning''. 

Point here, this is another amazing album, you can see the love, the talent and passion he put into it. You can see the raw gift this man has, the crossover songs are constructed so beautifully. Every note is on point. Every note is just right. Nothing is out of place, nothing is left to chance. The album is a beautiful trip from start to finish and it makes you forget the world for a quick second. So there you go, here's a drawing I've been working on; 

I can never get him right. At all. Must be because of his gorgeous face. It's so hard to get his beautiful features just right, golden ratio and all that. Alright, putting this album back to the start, hopefully to give me a few more moments of peace and relaxation. Happy Monday y'all. Hope life is treating you much better than it's currently treating me. 

Happy Birthday my god damn Wild Child.

So. Here we are. Survived another lockdown. Kinda. Two more days if we're lucky, but my money is on two more months tbh. I can't say it was a good week because let's be serious it was anything but, but nothing Jack Daniels can't fix. Kinda. I've been torturing myself with memories, travels, concerts, hell bars even. Scrolling through all old pictures on the phone you realise just how dull your life has become. How much they took from us. And actually, in a funny way I'm laughing out loud because about two years ago my family called me insane for being dressed in a full Winter soldier get up. ''you can't walk around town with a mask covering half your face Nikki'' ha ha ha. Who's laughing now? Well nobody is but I think you got the point.

Glancing through these old pictures I figured I don't really miss anything as much as I miss Vienna. One of my favourite cities and frequent quick getaway / long weekend / concert location. I miss everything about it, I miss the music, the art, the beat of the city, fuck I miss freedom really. I miss the fact that I could walk down the streets of Vienna and feel more at home than I do at home. I've seen all my favourite bands in that city. I've seen exhibitions of some of my favourite artists. Tried some new foods. And spent what I think was the most surreal and romantic weekend there with a rockstar. Straight out of a movie. Yeah life in Vienna is much different, and much better, and I can't put it into words how much I miss it. I'd give anything to reset humanity and live in a normal world once again.

A normal world where the bars are open and you get to pick up a stranger for a night, no regrets just love kinda thing right? Ironically lately there's no love just plenty regrets. I guess one can hope in another life things will be better. In another life we can get back to that hotel room, room service, hot makeout sessions and pretending the world doesn't exist outside our room. A world where we play games that have you begging for more, games where you tease me if I want you I'll beg but you end up begging instead. A world in which you tell me again how you should never let me walk out and in the arms of another man and mean it. A world in which love is enough, and strong enough to handle whatever curve ball life throws at us. But the harsh reality is that you wake up alone, spend the days alone, with a vinyl playing and a bag of Haribo gummi bears trying to fill the void you feel inside. It's not really working but well…you can try. Booze doesn't help. Maybe sugar will.

So yesterday was April 8th. Alexi's birthday. Always thought it's cool we share birthdays in a way. The number 8th. His is April mine is October. I decided to celebrate it with Samantha Fox' ''Touch me'' and a shit ton of JD. Didn't need to extra curse or be extra pissed let's face it I already am everyday. Yesterday was chaotic just as he would of love it. Hyvää syntymäpäivää Alexi, minä rakastan sinua.

''The faint blaze of the candle of my life, slowly dying like a fire in a pouring rain. No sparks of hope inside, no shooting stars on my sky. On broken wings, no flying high.''

So in order to celebrate, a quick write up of the very vinyl spinning right now. Before I even get into the music, which is perfect from the first minute to the last, just look at the perfection that is this release in the first place. One of my favourite records, white, splattered, the ''halo'' of blood in the middle? Everything is absolutely perfect.

 

I aint going to disect this album song by song, that would of been too much. I guess it's too early still. Like it's too early for those magazines. I love the pictures in them so much but I still can't bring myself to actually read them.

I don't really read album reviews tbh, like when they come out, before I get them…I don't know, might be the fact that I really don't like people nor care about their opinions (unless asked) or it might be the fact that I said several times that critiques are assholes. Yes me included. I especially stayed away from any and all CoB reviews. Simple reason, they all started the same way, people bitch and complain about how good they used to be, and how ''boring'', ''down the hill'', ''stagnant'' they are now and a whole god damn discussion on why that is. Can you literally see me roll my eyes all the way into my god damn skull? I mean people are never happy are they? They are not happy when a band changes their sound too much (really, it's called evolving their sound get on with the program) and they're not happy with a band when it stays the same. Whatever you do you really can't please everyone so it's no point in trying at all. I guess I wish people were bitching less. I mean it's pretty easy, if you like something, enjoy it, if you don't move along, if you don't agree, unless asked for opinion move the fuck along.  So many unneeded words, so much negativity. Sigh.

Right so for those never happy always complaining, ''Halo of blood'' will be an improvment. You see changes, it's different than ''Blooddrunk'' and ''Relentless''. I love all of them but I suppose out of the three if I chose favourites, Halo of blood would be it. No doubt though that ''Hatecrew'' and ''Chaos'' are my favourite. Say what you will but that's what it is.

The album is something special because there are ten songs on it and they are completely different from each other and yet they are not even a little bit out of place and fit together perfectly. Straight from the start, song one ''Waste of skin'' hits you in the face , with that insane, super fast, fingers flying on the frets, melodic guitar, in sync with the bass and the keyboards. It's amazing. And just watching them hands flying up and down, shredding those chords is nothing short of completely mesmerising and erotic at the same time.

I give you one thing though, this is the eigth album but really should be the fifth, to me the sound sorta returns to Hatecrew era, it sort of makes a logical follow up. A logical part two if you will. And also it doesn't because the two albums in between were just what I mentioned above, explorations, developing and searching their sound. I guess the songwriting though here is quite a bit different. It's more diverse. More complex. You know what I mean? I love all songs, I love all lyrics. I absolutely adore ''Angels don't kill'', but I don't know there's some sorta new kind of depth here that I register differently. Sometimes I can't even explain what I mean or what's going on in my head.

What really shook me all over was ''Dead man's hand on you''. It was a shock, complete and utter shock. In a good way of course. Starting the song with acoustic guitar and clean vocals? I did not expect that at all. The brooding, dark acoustic sound, the sorta spoken words but then that explosive chorus? Shit it's freakin perfect. Sorta death metal, dark, ballad in a way. For me, one of those exploring the sound, exploring different types of music, and for sure a highlight in their career, producing something different, something just as equally amazing as the fast riffs and scratchy screaming vocals. I feel like this song is literally putting emotions into sounds. So many feelings, both put in the song and felt when listened to. It's just amazing and even if the whole album was just that one song, it would of been perfect.

This album really isn't just a collection of great riffs (which there are so many of on it) but also the addition of the perfect raspy, gritty, icicles and knives kinda vocals. It's also a perfect example of some of the best, innovative and technically perfectly executed writing up to date. It shows perfectly on the song ''One bottle and knee deep''. Pure freakin perfection. What a way to close up an album.

The whole thing is one of those moments, defining moments in music, where they reclaimed their throne in the Finnish melodic death metal scene and I believe that's a place nobody can ever take from them. Not now and not ever. I will always love Finnish music, they have only the best musicians but no matter what they come up with there will always only be one CoB and nothing and nobody can top that. and Halo of blood is a brilliant way to prove that they are the kings, the titans of Finnish melodic metal. They went back to their musical roots, schooled us with the best and most amazing riffs and showed us how vocals, guitars, drumming and keyboards should function together. Nothing short of a completely unique experience and nothing short of 40 minutes of pure power, ferocity, intensity and perfection. To put it shorter, this album is freakin amazing and it's got balls and there is nothing quite as perfect as turning the volume up sky high and screaming along to the songs. Best way to melt off all the frustrations.

Now to close this post and move on and get some shit done today…who am I kidding, we all know I'll just put the record back to start and not move a muscle…listen to me kids, as soon as I get home, throw off my bra, the day is over for me okay? And I don't even care if it's 11 am. Day – over. Now to conclude my endless ramblings, take a look at this beautiful gem on my jackets. Here's a way to keep Allu with me always. If you want one too, go to the etsy store link here (click me).

I miss you Allu, so much, hope you're happy, where ever you are because life down here without you is anything but happy. Happy birthday, I love you.

All these years, all our tears, still we sing the same old song.

It's been a while huh guys? Shit, almost a month. Sorry about that. I mean I doubt you really miss my pointless ranting but still. It's been a rough couple of days, weeks, months, years…you know how it goes. I guess I found my way back now as we just walked into yet another lockdown yesterday. No I am not whistling ''It's the final countdown'' with the lyrics changed to ''lockdown'' just yet. I know how this shit works. I've heard the ''it's just a few more days'' ''it's the last time'' blah blah blah one too many times so 11 days might as well turn into another 11 weeks. I don't know no more you guys, seems like people enjoy it. I'm going crazy but idiots around me seem to enjoy it. Perhaps that's the key, the more abuse, the more corruption, the more lies, police violence and violence in general, the more we love it. I'm just tired of it all you know. So tired. 

Been sitting here staring at these GIF's at the side of the blog, usually they inspire me, they make me smile at least, they make things easier, music always makes things easier, these days though, things are just hopless, dark, somehow pointless. ''Uzalud sunce sja, kad mi u srcu padaju kiše''. Kinda like that. I envy people that used these lockdowns to learn a new skill, try new foods, learn a language or some shit like that. All it did for me is drove me fucking crazy. I count it as a personal victory that I haven't murdered anyone yet, or went fucking crazy with a chainsaw like someone did at the parliament just a few days ago. Respect. 

So while I at least try to keep my mind occupied with doodles, slow posting on Instagram, though there are many MANY new drawings to post, feels like I haven't done much but doodle these days…how about some music to go with. This album might be completely unusual for me but also something you'd totally expect. 

There's hundreds and hundred of these mixed albums. People don't like them much I learned. But I do. I like so many bands and swapping albums is tiring, so having a mix of more songs that you love on one record can only be a good thing. Like that ''Metal Ballads'' volume 3 and 4 that I'll probably just die without. Sigh. 

Can we take a moment to appreciate the cover though? The bike alone is an absolute beauty but the guy might as well be an example of everything I find attractive, biker, the hair (okay yea blond would be even better), the clothes, the everything. So damn handsome! And them boots you guys! Feeling slightly hot under my collar doesn't begin to cover it. ''Tough guys show their soft side''. Cute. And unreal. First things first all ''tough guys'' have a soft side and that comes out more than you'd imagine and on the other hand the concept of ''tough guys'' is dead anyways, I look at men around me, and I feel sick. Like lets be serious young boys when joined the Partisans, were freezing and starving in the woods but they pushed on for what they believed in for all of us for their country. And men now? They eat gluten free pizza, cry over their manicure and own more beauty product than us ladies do. Proposterous.

I mean I can fix my car on my own, open jars, change a lightbulb and defend myself much better than a man could. What do I need one for anyway? Oh right the usual MALE reply to this is sex. Lol, please. Sorry to disappoint you guys but no man can ever please a woman as much as her toys can, if they say otherwise they're lying to you. And no toy can please a woman like new shoes can, just the thought of them makes me salivate. But really, I'm off topic, not going to be ranting about sex toys today, even if, rock ballads, pizza and dildos might be a good way to pass lockdown time. 

Like for real I am one of those people that love relaxing in the tub even if my sister calls it a ''wet place to overthink about how your life sucks'', she makes a valid point too because I do that but still, tub, rock ballads and a glass of wine? Yes, please. Anyday. 

Might actually have this over playing while I over think. It came out in 1991 and it's actually perfect from the first song. ''Scorpions Wind of Change''. I love Scorpios like for real, the ''Tease me, please me'' song? That is literally one of my favourite songs. Do I wanna dance strip tease to it on the hood of a late 1970's Camaro? Fuck yes! 

''Wind of change'' is sorta iconic. Like who doesn't fucking know wind of change?  I mean it's not just a song, we all know what it means, what it stands for right? The lyrics were born after the bands visit to the Soviet Union when it was at the height of it's political movment for reformation within the Communist party also known as ''Perestroika''. In the words of Klaus Meine himself;

''The idea came to me in the U.d.S.S.R. when I was sitting in the Gorky Park Center  one summer night, looking at the Moskva River. The song is my personal reappraisal of what has happened in the world in recent years.''

It was released in January 1991 and it was a worldwide hit right away, because the release sorta co happened with a failed coup (August coup) which eventually leaded to the end of the Soviet Union. It also exists in Russian and Spanish version just saying. To me personally I sorta connect it to the fall of the Berlin wall more. I was watching that moment when people were finally free, the wall fell and the joy was everywhere. Kinda wishing for that ''fall of the wall'' moment in this country too. But it feels that way ''wind of change''. Today this song is one of the best selling singles of all times with about 15 million copies sold and holds the best selling German artist song by record! Anyway maybe I see the fall of the wall that much clearer in my head because they actually preformed this song on November 9th at the Brandenburg Gate in 1990 during the anniversary.  Can I just take a second to say how I fucking miss Berlin? Omfg. Seriously Corona fuck off. I am done. 

Next is Magnum ''Need a lot of love'' and if I gotta even get into this song then I may start screaming. We all get what it's about and we all understand the message right? 

I may be biased and skipping the second song because I am obsessed with the third one. Jon Bon Jovi ''Miracle''. Not only we all need miracles sometimes but that man is a fucking miracle in that music video. Y'all see in right? The Harleys, the hair, the man! I mean I did say above the fuck do we need them for, but if they look like that? Damn! If someone paid me just for watching this video I'd be crying in a Bentley today. 

I mean just look at all that! Ladies (and some guys too, hey I don't judge) don't y'all just wanna fuck him so hard on that bike that he'd need new shock absorbers in the morning? Both him and the bike. Lol.  I'm sorry for the bluntness. Lockdown is getting to me, I suppose my brain is melting or turning into mush. The video also apparently features Jeff Beck and Matt LeBlanc. Not that I really noticed them though we all know how much I love Joey. It's a really good song that was my point, and it's a REALLY good music video. And the all kinds of emotions it makes me feel are not too bad either. 

Steve Thomson ''Dream on''? nothing but love. ''Dream on though it's hard to tell, though you're foolin' yourself, dream on.'' Don't we all just wanna dream some days away. Or dream about showering with a certain younger version of Jon Bon Jovi. I bet he doesn't sing in the shower, I bet he's preforming in the shower. In more than one way I bet. I'm not going through a whole box of Mon Cheri vodka chocolates okay. Shut up.  Dream on is a really nice song purely because we all need dreams, some to keep us going and some to just get through the day. Keep on dreaming guys. Really. 

It goes on with ''Robin Beck – First time'' which I am not over the moon with, it's more of a ''meh'' for me, might be because well female vocalists rarely get any enthusiasm from me and also because this song is nothing to alert the press about. A filler I guess. 

Nazareth ''Love hurts''? Yes it fucking does! If you search for Nazareth in a past post you'll see I covered this song in quite a few words. It was written by a songwriter Boudleaux Bryant, and first recorded by the Everly Brothers in 1960. But I think we all know Nazareths version best. It's a beautiful song, that one note, that one heart tugging note. Sigh. It gets me every single time. 

Yngwie Malmsteen ''Save our love''. Now listen to me, Yngwie, can anything or anyone save your love? Like when love is gone, what can you do? Can you even go on? Nevermind trying to save anything. It's not that I was sitting on a sofa with a bottle of vodka and my cats, eating Nutella with a spoon while this played on repeat ''Once we were one, now we're worlds apart, deep inside you know you are my other heart. My memories seem like yesterday, can't believe it's all so far away. All these years, all our tears, still we sing the same old song. Let's make right all that went wrong, there's no beginning there's no end, there's no reason to pretend, crying for help from above, we've got to save our love''. Sigh. My broken heart enjoys having salt poured on its wounds. Yeah. Fighting for love should always be a thing, you should never just let go, you should never quit on someone you love, you should never let something perfect slide from your hands. Ever. 

Side one closes with Bon Jovi ''I'll be there for you'' which we also all know and it's one of the most beautiful love songs next to Always and Bed of roses if you ask me. When he played that song in Milano I sobbed like a baby. Well even more at Always because we all know that's my all time favourite song, yes kids Always tops everything. I hate picking favourites, t'aint right, t'aint fair, t'aint fit, t'aint proper to pick favourites but this is how it is Always and also November rain are two of the best song sever written and my favourite songs of all times and I will fight you if you try to prove me otherwise. Careful though, I'll be coming at you with knives. I'll be there for you is from the album New Jersey which is the best album they ever made, still today, since new ones are crap (sorry not sorry). Some lucky bitches get to hear this song sung by Richie Sambora on their shows. I'd kill for that no joke. But well I did get like half of ''In these arms'' by David so that's something too.

Extreme and ''More than words'' cute but nothing special and mostly so freaking over played by radio stations, but well I wont turn it off if it comes on. 

Rainbows ''Catch the rainbow'' is an older song and another filler for me, don't particularly like it. But then after Rainbow there's Cinderella and ''Heartbreak station'', there have been two album reviews in the past on them but still. I freakin love them. They are so under appreciated it's insane. The voice, the music, the guitars, the glam, all of it fits. I love them. I mean yeah we've all heard Don't know what you got till it's gone about a million times but really both albums I reviewed are really good. They really got me with the ''tears filling up my eyes, sometimes the pain you hide, burns like a fire inside''. Yeah it does. Sometimes it's hard hiding it too. This song is actually on their third album that I don't have. Sigh. Another one to put on the list. Apparently this one waas really their finest moment as artists even if it didn't do so well commercially as it's predecessors. I think it's more bluesy rock rather than glam metal and that's what makes it really cool.

Now before I make this way too long and actually still got shit to do today, despite the lockdown, no you guys it's not dildo testing. Other songs featured on this album are ''China – So long'', ''L.A. Guns – The ballad of Jane'' what's with these Jane or Janey type animals? Like for real, Janeys got a gun, Sweet Jane, Jane says, Sad Jane, Baby Jane, The diary of Jane, Lady Jane, Hazey Jane, Strange Jane, Crow Jane, Janey Blue and on and on and on till fucking eternity. Seriously what's that all about? I mean at least when it's Desiree or Candy or Amanda you know it's about strippers but this is just…the hell is that about? I mean okay at least I get Prince's ''Darling Nikki'' and sorta INXS's ''Beautiful girl'' even if she is ''Nicky'' same thing though. I'd melt to pieces of unicorn and glitter should he sing that song for me in his angel face and voice. Moving on, album also features ''Deep purple – Wasted sunsets'' don't we all have many of those, ''Doro – A whiter shade of pale'' and ''Kingdom come – You'll never know''. What exactly because there's many things we'll never know. 

Now for real logging off, to finish a drawing I started. Not of Alexi this time but a scene from the movie Dirty Dancing. Say what you will but that movie will forever stay my guilty pleasure, as will Hungry eyes and Patrick Swayze all in black. To all my fellow prisoners, sigh, I hope we survive you guys, may you never run out of vodka and Nutella and to the rest of the world enjoying freedom. Cheers, it's not that I'm jealous it's that I wanna murder you all. Kidding. Well only sorta. See you on the other side. (of lockdown not the veil lol, assuming the lockdown madness ever ends but the way things are headed I may be married to a young Jon Bon Jovi sooner than released from ''prison'').

Ignorance is bliss

Sometimes I'm caught between wanting to write and get things off my chest and not knowing what to say, or worse having too much to say but words just won't come out.  Some feelings are so hard to describe. So hard to write about. It feels impossible to paint the picture of what's actually going on inside my skull. Too much and nothing all at once. But y'all know who my fave writer of all time is right? The genius Ernest Hemingway, one of his most famous quotes is ''write hard and clear about what hurts''. There is so much that hurts and letting it all out really feels like letting go of the pain that feels like it's eating you up inside. The problem is that sometimes just that honesty is too hard to do. 

Some things are too hard to write about because they are personal, they're tough to talk about and you know in advance that people just won't understand. Why should they? They haven't walked a mile in your shoes, they haven't lived the life you did, and lets be serious, compassion and empathy are becoming mythical traits today. What's a thing nobody seems to understand is grieving over band members. People always say ''oh but you didn't know  them'' or ''it's stupid to cry about that''. I never understood that right. What a sad world when you care about nothing but the few people you know personally. Imagine how much nicer all our lives would be if that love and caring would expand to more than just those closest to you. And I also never understood it because to me, losing a band member, someone who's music has been there for me for my entire life, through good and bad, that's just as bad as losing a family member or a close friend if not more, honestly, I feel like I can depend on music to be there for me always while people…well people, they suck. 

I've been pretty distraught when Chester Bennington passed away. I've been a fan of Linkin Park since their second album came out in 2002. I quite literally grew up with them, all through my teen years they were a constant and I loved them as musicians and as people. The fact that that constant was suddenly gone and the fact that something that made me so happy only makes me sad these days, that was a hard pill to swallow. But nothing, NOTHING, could have hit me as hard as losing the metal legend that is Alexi Laiho has. 

Everybody loved him differently, some as a musician, some as an inspiration, some as a role model, some as their hero and those luckiest as a friend, a brother, family. The kindest, sweetest, most humble human being on this planet. A human with the kindest soul and spirit and a person with the biggest heart. Not even a metal / rock star, just a person. And that's what the world will miss the most, a kind man. Lord knows there's too few of them around. I don't think my mind is really capable of processing, I don't think it ever will be. I can't imagine someone as tough as him gone. He is literally the symbol of strength and my mind refuses to admit that he could stop fighting after everything he's been through.  He is such a bright shining light, such a beacon of positivity, such a ray of sunshine that now all there's left is darkness, and pain, and emptiness and frustration, and numbness and anger. I'm angry at the world, I'm angry at whatever idea of God you hold close because it's not fair. Life is not fair. Someone like him should have a long, bright, crazy, wild life and nothing, absolutely nothing should hold the power to cut that life shorter than it should be. 

It's not just that the world lost a shining light and is now a little darker, the world lost kindness, passion, a rebel, a warrior, a beautiful soul. And mostly an inspiration. If there's one thing we could all learn from him was how to be restless, how to always keep on pushing ahead, always creating, never letting that spirit inside of us die, how to be passionate about everything we do.  And he taught us how to be a warrior, how to stand up against our demons and tell them to go fuck themselves. And he taught us to have hope, to get up and get through another day when all we really wanted was to lay down and fucking die because life was just too unbearable at times, and he'd never let any of us give up, you have to keep fighting. Always. 

I know he'd be pissed the fuck off, if we'd stop fighting now, if we let this destroy us. He'd never want the ''Hate Crew'' to let anything dim our light, even if our leader is now gone. We must keep on fighting, keep on screaming, keep on being wild. For him. He deserves nothing less.

A hero is not always someone who runs into burning buildings, or saves kittens from trees, a hero can be someone you didn't even know you needed till they made their way into your life and made it brighter. Happier. A true hero is someone who despite being brought down so many times refuses to give up, refuses to let other people give up and still manages to inspire you through all the shit they've been going through. 

I wish I could sit here and pour my heart out, explain why he meant so much to me, why it hurts so much now, but I can't. Literally. Words won't come out. Maybe that constant eating at me somewhere in the back of my skull, you should write ''was'' instead of ''is''. That shit hurts like a red hot knife being stabbed repeatedly through all your most sensitive parts of your body. Not even your heart. No no. This kinda pain, it doesn't kill you, it just makes you wish you were dead.  I can't explain why life feels so empty and meaningless, why despite the sunny weather outside, everything is dark. I can't. You just won't understand. 

Sometimes at night,I let it get to me. I let the pain rage through my entire body, I let things hurt me as much as they possibly can, to a point where I could scream if it would help me any, just to get up in the morning and pretend like nothing happened, pretend like I'm okay, normal, sometimes even happy. Hell, people never notice the struggles and battles you got going on on the inside. They expect you to be strong because there's no room, no place and no time for you to crumble to pieces.  It's people like Alexi, that make you tougher. That inspire you, that believe even when you stop believing and, it's them who make the darkness a bit less terrifying with their bright shining light. Which is why when they're gone, the world might as well fall into permanent darkness. Sure, you shouldn't build your entire world around people, because when they're gone, you've got nothing, but this is different. 

All I can do sometimes is babble to myself ''this aint real, this aint real, this aint real'' till I literally convince myself that it's not, cruel prank, cruel joke that the universe is playing with me, with us. Musically Children of Bodom were one of the first metal bands I got into. Used to listen to nothing but hard rock / classic rock, till I ventured out to other musical genres and discovered Bodom. Of course naming a band after a mass killing is the first thing that pulled me in as dark and bizarre as I am but later I stayed for the music. Music that is honest and true and perfect in every way. And a genius behind the guitar solos. A guitar god. But also the man behind the guitar god, a man that is nothing like you'd imagine, but rather so humble and so kind that his entire presence radiates positivity. 

There's a quote in his book you know ''I'm sure that everyone, at certain moments reaches inside and finds something that gives them strength. But the only responsible for taking care of you and your life is the person staring at you in the mirror. When problems arise you need to act. Resorting to some stupid hopes and prayers is a complete waste of time when the shit has hit the fan.'' This is a man that is wise beyond his years, real, self aware, strong, humble and above all right and I got nothing but mad respect for him. He is an example to follow, a human to copy and try your best to walk in his footsteps. 

With him gone something in the universe doesn't feel right. Something is wrong. Something is destroyed. Something is broken. And everything in me feels the same and there is no repairing it. Something that makes the world feel like it's fallen into premanent grayness. Time is still moving forward, color still exists but honestly I'm failing to see any. Everything is just dark. And I get so angry again at the same unfairness, because I can't seem to understand why him? Why not some low life scumbag, like a child molestor, or a serial killer, or a rapist. A peson nobody will miss. Why not them instead? I understand nobody should play God, nobody should hold the power to decide who lives and who dies, but I think you can understand what I meant in this case.

I think about how everything changed and is changing at four am when the normal world is asleep and I'm sitting outside or by my window watching the sky change colors and sip coffee. There used to be something so comforting in coffee and darkness and quiet but lately the silence is defening and I can't stand it. I found myself wishing for chaos all the time, not the kind of chaos in my head though, just the non silent kind of chaos. Sometimes even music sucks because no matter what you do, you can't turn your brain off and certain songs will always remind you of certain people and certain memories.  Sometimes I wonder what's the point of memories, even good ones to be honest because at times all they do is hurt you even more, hurt you to the point where that emptiness and that missing feeling inside of you is so strong that you can't even breathe no more. It just sucks you know, sucks that you have to keep busy to feel sorta okay. Either way these came in the mail today, safe to say I cried my weight in tears…

I decided to drop my pencils for a bit, I guess those of you who follow my Insta (purpleskylineart) have noticed a consistent theme going on, there's more too, they just haven't been posted, yet anyways, and I felt like it's time for a little break, sit down try to write some words, it hasn't been easy but I'm trying my best. Nothing I write is going to be good enough anyways so I might as well try…

I chose this album because it's the only one I got on vinyl and even this one is as you can see brand new. I'd like to own all of them on vinyl someday, but that's in the future I guess. The other album I have is a CD ''Hate Crew Deathroll'' and these two are my favourites. Of course all albums are great, I mean it's Bodom we're talking about but favourites remain. I'd say this album is often overlooked but to me it's one of the best ones they put out. Many fans said that under Spinefarm Records the sound quality or just the bands quality was slowly declining and that ''Halo of blood'' which was the first album under the new label (Nuclear blast) was actually the rebirth of the band. ''I worship chaos'' came right after. 

This album is the ninth studio album, first one without Roope Latvala who was fired and the album in concequence recorded with only four members and Alexi doing all of the guitar parts. Not such a bad thing if you think about it, because who really needs a second guitar player next to Alexi? On stage sure but in the studio not so much (sorry boys, you know I love you). Fun fact this album was NOT recorded in a studio but rather in a converted warehouse to enhance the ambiance of sound, and you can really hear it in some songs on some parts. 

It opens with ''I hurt'', one of my favourite songs from Bodom in general, also fun fact Alexi's favourite on this album. It's a very typical Bodom song, lots of ''motherfuckers'' in it. I actually really love his accent, the way he says ''motherfucker'', it's rather adorable, which I suppose is not the best word to describe someone like Alexi, but for me, ''pretty'' and ''adorable'' totally fit. It's a great album opener, that sets the pace for the entire record and gives you an idea of the general sound and vibe of it, it's fast paced and heavy and the boys decided later that it should be the opening track after the song was the last one to be recorded. Thank god they did right? I mean other songs would be killer opening too but I think this one just kind fits. 

''How'd I wake up in a ditch, oh son of a bitch this time I'm not gonna make it''…I guess you'll understand why the begining of ''My Bodom (I am the only one) is rubbing me the wrong way these days huh? There's a slight old school vibe to this one and has the best guitar works. I mean obviously it does. Aparently this song, the arrangements of it were the toughest to do and they kept going back to it to actually finish it, it took several demos to get it done and in Alexi's words ''it turned pretty fucking good''. Yeah, it did. 

It goes on with ''Morrigan'' and believe me this is a song you'll see me scream along to in my car on a red light. Listen I need heavy shit in my car to be able to cope with people's stupidity, which on our roads there's way too much of. So if you catch me headbanging and ''singing along'' to something, chances are it's this track. It's a fast, hard, heavy metal song from start to finish. Cute story it's a song all the ''chicks'' dig, which may be or may not be why it became the single. Hah, I mean it doesn't really give me the chick music kinda vibe but then again I am a chick too and I love it, so gotta be true. 

Now have you ever wondered what it is with metal and horns? I mean who decided that goats are ''Satanic'' animals? What if Satan actually prefers fluffy bunnies? Just an idea. Though this must be another one of those ''it just makes sense'' kinda things, because I can't really count the number of times I've been called Satan or sometimes Satans daughter and I do in fact love goats. Like in a petting Zoo? You'll have a hard time dragging me away from those mini goats so I guess it fits. And then you got the ''heavy metal horns'' which we all know but apparently in sign language it means love? That also fits because lets be serious the metal community might as well be one of the kindest and most loving communities out there. I'm babbling because of the song ''Horns''. Which you guessed it right I love it. A bit more simple song construction but really catchy and has this real heavy metal vibe with something different added to it? I can't really put my finger on it to be honest but it's a mix of something else as well and it's absolutely perfect. 

''Prayer for the afflicted'' hits different. It's slow, it's heavy and dark. Why does this sound like I'm describing sex? Depends what you're into I suppose. Hey no judgment guys. This darkness makes Prayer for the afflicted a more emotional song than the rest of this album and that's just what makes it good, a little change to keep you on your toes is always a good thing and it's a good last song for side A.

And then you got  ''I worship chaos''. The title track and also the song I can connect to on a deep personal level. ''It's not that complicated, simply I just worship chaos''. It goes along to what I wrote about above. In Alexi's words, complete silence drives him mad, he worships chaos in a sense of never wanting to be in silence, silence freaks him out. And it's doing the same to me. I don't like quiet. I don't like the deafening feeling complete silence tends to give, either it's just the tv in the back, always gotta be something. It makes me feel like one of those anxious cats who's owners buy them white noise machines to keep them calm. Yes. Kinda like that.  The song itself is a throwback to the bands older sound on ''Hate Crew Deathroll' which pretty much makes it even better, and that keyboard part in it? That was genius, it brings the whole album some vareity. 

Have you ever just wanted to scream ''shut the fuck up'' at people? Be honest now…I wanna do it everyday. I mean I don't really know at this point is there something wrong with me or do people just keep on getting worse and freakin worse? I mean yea okay, I aint no sunshine and no bucket of daises that much I can admit but for real, people are just…horrible. Think this last year did a number on us and we all turned into assholes. I find it progressively harder and harder to handle with peoples stupidity. This is not arrogance mind you, I don't assume I'm always right, and in normal terms of conversation I am always ready to listen to the other side of the story, hell I'd like being challenged sometimes, but this is about actual ''Earth is flat'' kinda stupidity which makes me wonder how the fuck do people get up in the morning and carry on with their day without ending up dead in a ditch. Either from doing something stupid or pissing someone off bad enough. 

This is where this next song comes in ''Hold your tongue'', this is something I'd tattoo on so many people's faces if it would shut them the hell up. It gives this big arena kinda feeling you know, like Bon Jovi's anthems do. Not that I remember that feeling at this point. It's buried somewhere deep and first concert I see after this hell will feel like losing my virginity all over again. No kidding.  But the song! I really love the riffs and Jaska's drumming on this one is absolutely sick! 

''Suicide bomber'' has this mix of melodies, guitars and keyboards that give you a different kinda kick. Another different vibing song, darker also, but really it's these little differences in songs that make an album great. They all somehow fit together, they somehow flow. These boys make it look easy but making a record flow like this is not quite as simple. 

''All for nothing'' is in my opinion the best written song on the album. The lines ''I can't believe it's come to this, it's safe to say that ignorance is bliss, bittersweet goodbye and one last kiss, forever is a long time that I won't miss'', they hit differently these days, partly because of everything I wrote about in the begining of this post, partly because of some other private things I'd rather not discuss. It's funny just how true the saying is ''when you're happy you hear the music but when you're sad you understand the lyrics'', maybe that explains why I rarely ''hear'' a song and just connect to the words. The whole experience of this song is bittersweet, and ignorance in most cases really is bliss. I like how it starts with keyboards but the guitar takes over the riff and brings it home with the chorus that literally feels like it's about to tear out your fucking heart. 

Album closes with ''Widdershins'', except for of course deluxe edition CD that also includes covers of ''Black winter day'', ''Mistress of Taboo'' and ''Danger zone'' and let me tell you something these are all perfect covers but there aint nothing as perfect as Alexi's clean vocals on this latst one and especially the way he sings ''Revvin' up your engine, listen to her howlin' roar'' and ''Headin' into twilight, spreadin' out her wings tonight''. I mean I love this song as is, personal memories that involve Harley Road Kings that blare this song, but apart from that, kill me now but no joke CoB's version is about a million times better than the original.

So ''Widdershins'' last song, kinda a shame, could listen to the album a bit longer but then you can always hit replay or put the needle to the begining. This song is melodic and also crushing. It's going to gently pat you on the head, and it's going to punch you in the face, but you know, lovingly so. It's heavy and it's slower and it's in the end for a reason I think, reason being it stands out from the entire album like ''I hurt'' does so it makes sense one is at the begining and one is at the end.  It's funny because the song in some parts almost sounds soft you know, that's the patting you on the head part and then it fucking kills you with the lyrics, so much hurt, so much pain, so much darkness, maybe that's why I vibe with this song. I don't know why but I can literally hear Alexi in my head calling this song ''Def Leppard on LSD'' and laughing right now. So delete all that I just said about this song, that's what it really is. Def Leppard on LSD.

In general this album has been getting lots of shit, people saying it's not their best effort, and that it's rather ''average'' and that despite it being the longest album they put out it fails to deliever that real CoB punch. Now listen to me kids, while I agree that this album is not their best out of all they made, it's still a great album, the riffs, the vocals, the drumming, the lyrics, the darkness, I'm here for it all and I love it all. The songwriting in general is really impressive and the execution of the songs is perfect. Chaos might not experiment with the sound much, the slight variations in songs I mentioned but sure there aint many strays from that path. But thing is fans are never ever really happy, either musicians stray from the path or not, you can never please everyone. For me the album is completely satisfying it has everything I love and would want on a CoB album. And those raspy vocals sweet jesus they make me hot under my collar. 

Another thing I just love about their vinyl, on all albums really, that from picture discs to colored vinyl they don't have many solid black records. Black is kinda boring isn't it? And their colored vinyl is just perfect, the paint splattered ones especially. This one is clear, I don't actually have any clear records yet and I'd take it out to show you but I think actually opening it will take some time. Some time to process the hurt. If that will ever happen in the first place. For now I just want it untouched, unchanged, somehow frozen, somehow like my mind is, unable to ''open and process the information''.

Maybe the absence of that beautiful smile, of that kind spirit, of that talent, maybe that's what makes the whole thing so unbearable now. Who am I kidding, everything makes it unbearable but really just when I think that I got it, that I ''fucking pulled myself together'' I think about never hearing a new  riff again, I think about never seeing that smile again and the whole world spirals in a vortex of pain again. Or better a tornado, you know how there's no oxygene inside a tornado? And it's apparently feezingly cold…I think that defines this kinda pain really well, you can't breathe and you feel like your heart has frozen over. Kinda like that. The insides of a tornado.

There is so much more that I want to say, so much more he would deserve, but I can't. I can't find the words. I think with him gone, part of my inspiration is gone too. So I'm ending the post with the cliche but truthful words. He will be missed so much, and some scars with him gone will never heal, they'll just become easier to live with. Turn this album up as loud as it goes and scream along to it, you know that's what he would of wanted. 

Fly free and high Wild Child of the North, I love you so much, this is not a goodbye, this is a ''fucking see you soon''. 

Turning point.

I've been doing too much thinking lately (this should really say drinking not thinking). I know, I know, about time you run away and stop reading. It's been overthinking really, driving myself crazy over the dumbest things. You know what's it like, your mind creating scenarios that couldn't be farther from the truth, it's true what people say we and our minds are our worst possible enemies, nothing can hurt us quite as much as we hurt ourselves. 

This overthinking was about social media though, you know how I feel about sites like Facebook or Instagram or anything of the sort (TikTok god forbid), think the only social media I actually love and enjoy is Tumblr. We're all crazy (she said lovingly) there. I don't really know why I'm still using Facebook at this point, like honest to god are they all crazy there? Not Tumblr crazy but actually crazy. But point is recently, (recently lol it's been a year) I've had an art only account on IG and though that's something I was SO opposed to the entire time it hasn't actually been a bad experience all together. 

I think what really discouraged me from starting an art account was literally fear. I haven't had too many positive experiences regarding art in ''real life'' so I didn't expect anything better on social media. Add actual bad experiences in general on social media to that and you literally ask yourself why bother. But this post is not going to be about me bitching over social media it's actually going to be about the fact that I came to realize that starting an art account was a good thing.

I get so frustrated with it sometimes, Instagram seems intended on only showing you art from people that are so much better than you are and it sucks. It really kills your confidence, but it shouldn't. Even the greatest artists started somewhere, even they were constantly learning and evolving and improving. And I have to say in general, the nice people messaging, the nice people in comments, all the love and support, it's really been a pleasant experience all together. We all need some reasuring sometimes, and nothing boosts your confidence more than support from other artists or just people that appreciate what you do.

Of course there's still so much negativity, people are rude just to be rude, or demand things from you, or assume because you're an artist you're going to draw them things for free. I always ask those people if they go to a grocery store asking for free vegetables too, to this day I haven't had one answer to that question, though I think we can all figure it out ourselves. 

My point here is, sometimes you need someone to push you to do something you don't want to do, someone to push you out of your comfort zone, push you to do something you may be afraid of. Someone did that for me too, there was this one decisive moment that made me want to try and seek for more exposure for my art. So if you're looking for a sign if you should try as well, then this is it. You guys, be brave and try it out. It could be amazing. 

In honor of that, I'm sharing the memory, the moment that changed everything for me. It's written in third person and was actually posted on my other blog (lots of recycled posts lately). Oh and because I get complaints all the time about my language and mentions of things, the post below is just a tiny bit explicit. You've been warned.

''They sat across from each other behind a table in a dimly lit restaurant, just staring at each other. Her eyes wandered from his gaze to his lips to his neck, she flushed when he saw her staring like that. ''So you're not religious?'' he asked randomly, eyes glued to a pendant of Mother Mary hanging around her neck next to a well worn guitar pick. Not that he was particulary spiritual, he was raised a Christian and that was about it. Tradition more then faith. 

She shook her head and took another sip of her drink. ''What do you believe in then? Love?''. ''Sometimes''. ''Friendship?''. ''God no''. He smirked and leaned back. ''Sex?''. ''Yes, very much so''. A wolfish grin appeared on his face. It was absolutely stunning. She smiled back at him batting her lashes a little bit. ''Music?''. ''Totally''. Another hot smirk, the restaurant seemed to be heating up, or was that just her? ''I thought so, I can imagine that guitar pick around your neck isn't just decoration, what do you play?''. ''My dad's old telecaster''. ''Nice!'' What does he know about guitars? She wondered but never asked out loud. Instead she smiled politely and drank some more. 

''Music is your talent then?''. ''Passion if nothing else''. She hated bragging. ''I see, so you're talented in music, you speak a few languages, amazing organisational skills, driving like Senna ...I've seen some of your photography work and I was impressed, don't tell me you have more hidden talents? It's hardly even fair.'' Smirking she put down her glass. ''Well I have two more''. ''Amuse me'' he said offering her another smile, white teeth shining brightly in the candle light.

''I could show you but, it would end bad, since this talent of mine involves...activities''. As soon as he realized what she's aiming at a soft blush appeared on his cheeks. It was adorable. ''And the other?'' he asked, voice a husky whisper. ''Really wanna know?'' nodding he studied her face carefully, waiting for another shoe to drop. She giggled grabbing her paperwork laying carelessly in front of her, looking for a blank one and a pencil. ''What are you doing?''. ''Sit down, shut up and look pretty. If anything that shouldn't be too hard for you''. 

He smiled at her mockery and leaned back. Her eyes scanned his features while her hand made swift moves on the paper. She drew quickly and with ease, he was staring at her face, full of concentration and thought. His face was beautiful, nose, eyes, long lashes, it was so easy to draw, like her hand was just gliding on the paper on it's own accord. 15 minutes later she stopped and looked at him once again. ''Ready?'' He nodded. Turning the paper over he was met with a quick yet detailed sketch of his own face. His eyes widened a little bit and he grinned. ''Amazing''. ''It's nothing, compared to others I'm just an amateur''. 

Shaking his head slowly he looked at her more sincere. ''Never doubt yourself, even the great Mikelangelo started somewhere'' She smiled as his accent at Michelangelo's name. Did he just compare them? He must be crazy. ''Thank you I guess''. ''You are very welcome, now let's eat I'm hungry''. Rolling her eyes she smiled and moved her things off the table. He probably didn't know how much of a difference he made, she needed some encouragment in her life and that's excatly what he gave her. ''By the way, I want that drawing when it's done, so I can brag around with it when you get famous one day''. Silly. But sweet. And it meant the world.''