Sometimes I'm caught between wanting to write and get things off my chest and not knowing what to say, or worse having too much to say but words just won't come out. Some feelings are so hard to describe. So hard to write about. It feels impossible to paint the picture of what's actually going on inside my skull. Too much and nothing all at once. But y'all know who my fave writer of all time is right? The genius Ernest Hemingway, one of his most famous quotes is ''write hard and clear about what hurts''. There is so much that hurts and letting it all out really feels like letting go of the pain that feels like it's eating you up inside. The problem is that sometimes just that honesty is too hard to do.
Some things are too hard to write about because they are personal, they're tough to talk about and you know in advance that people just won't understand. Why should they? They haven't walked a mile in your shoes, they haven't lived the life you did, and lets be serious, compassion and empathy are becoming mythical traits today. What's a thing nobody seems to understand is grieving over band members. People always say ''oh but you didn't know them'' or ''it's stupid to cry about that''. I never understood that right. What a sad world when you care about nothing but the few people you know personally. Imagine how much nicer all our lives would be if that love and caring would expand to more than just those closest to you. And I also never understood it because to me, losing a band member, someone who's music has been there for me for my entire life, through good and bad, that's just as bad as losing a family member or a close friend if not more, honestly, I feel like I can depend on music to be there for me always while people…well people, they suck.
I've been pretty distraught when Chester Bennington passed away. I've been a fan of Linkin Park since their second album came out in 2002. I quite literally grew up with them, all through my teen years they were a constant and I loved them as musicians and as people. The fact that that constant was suddenly gone and the fact that something that made me so happy only makes me sad these days, that was a hard pill to swallow. But nothing, NOTHING, could have hit me as hard as losing the metal legend that is Alexi Laiho has.
Everybody loved him differently, some as a musician, some as an inspiration, some as a role model, some as their hero and those luckiest as a friend, a brother, family. The kindest, sweetest, most humble human being on this planet. A human with the kindest soul and spirit and a person with the biggest heart. Not even a metal / rock star, just a person. And that's what the world will miss the most, a kind man. Lord knows there's too few of them around. I don't think my mind is really capable of processing, I don't think it ever will be. I can't imagine someone as tough as him gone. He is literally the symbol of strength and my mind refuses to admit that he could stop fighting after everything he's been through. He is such a bright shining light, such a beacon of positivity, such a ray of sunshine that now all there's left is darkness, and pain, and emptiness and frustration, and numbness and anger. I'm angry at the world, I'm angry at whatever idea of God you hold close because it's not fair. Life is not fair. Someone like him should have a long, bright, crazy, wild life and nothing, absolutely nothing should hold the power to cut that life shorter than it should be.
It's not just that the world lost a shining light and is now a little darker, the world lost kindness, passion, a rebel, a warrior, a beautiful soul. And mostly an inspiration. If there's one thing we could all learn from him was how to be restless, how to always keep on pushing ahead, always creating, never letting that spirit inside of us die, how to be passionate about everything we do. And he taught us how to be a warrior, how to stand up against our demons and tell them to go fuck themselves. And he taught us to have hope, to get up and get through another day when all we really wanted was to lay down and fucking die because life was just too unbearable at times, and he'd never let any of us give up, you have to keep fighting. Always.
I know he'd be pissed the fuck off, if we'd stop fighting now, if we let this destroy us. He'd never want the ''Hate Crew'' to let anything dim our light, even if our leader is now gone. We must keep on fighting, keep on screaming, keep on being wild. For him. He deserves nothing less.
A hero is not always someone who runs into burning buildings, or saves kittens from trees, a hero can be someone you didn't even know you needed till they made their way into your life and made it brighter. Happier. A true hero is someone who despite being brought down so many times refuses to give up, refuses to let other people give up and still manages to inspire you through all the shit they've been going through.
I wish I could sit here and pour my heart out, explain why he meant so much to me, why it hurts so much now, but I can't. Literally. Words won't come out. Maybe that constant eating at me somewhere in the back of my skull, you should write ''was'' instead of ''is''. That shit hurts like a red hot knife being stabbed repeatedly through all your most sensitive parts of your body. Not even your heart. No no. This kinda pain, it doesn't kill you, it just makes you wish you were dead. I can't explain why life feels so empty and meaningless, why despite the sunny weather outside, everything is dark. I can't. You just won't understand.
Sometimes at night,I let it get to me. I let the pain rage through my entire body, I let things hurt me as much as they possibly can, to a point where I could scream if it would help me any, just to get up in the morning and pretend like nothing happened, pretend like I'm okay, normal, sometimes even happy. Hell, people never notice the struggles and battles you got going on on the inside. They expect you to be strong because there's no room, no place and no time for you to crumble to pieces. It's people like Alexi, that make you tougher. That inspire you, that believe even when you stop believing and, it's them who make the darkness a bit less terrifying with their bright shining light. Which is why when they're gone, the world might as well fall into permanent darkness. Sure, you shouldn't build your entire world around people, because when they're gone, you've got nothing, but this is different.
All I can do sometimes is babble to myself ''this aint real, this aint real, this aint real'' till I literally convince myself that it's not, cruel prank, cruel joke that the universe is playing with me, with us. Musically Children of Bodom were one of the first metal bands I got into. Used to listen to nothing but hard rock / classic rock, till I ventured out to other musical genres and discovered Bodom. Of course naming a band after a mass killing is the first thing that pulled me in as dark and bizarre as I am but later I stayed for the music. Music that is honest and true and perfect in every way. And a genius behind the guitar solos. A guitar god. But also the man behind the guitar god, a man that is nothing like you'd imagine, but rather so humble and so kind that his entire presence radiates positivity.
There's a quote in his book you know ''I'm sure that everyone, at certain moments reaches inside and finds something that gives them strength. But the only responsible for taking care of you and your life is the person staring at you in the mirror. When problems arise you need to act. Resorting to some stupid hopes and prayers is a complete waste of time when the shit has hit the fan.'' This is a man that is wise beyond his years, real, self aware, strong, humble and above all right and I got nothing but mad respect for him. He is an example to follow, a human to copy and try your best to walk in his footsteps.
With him gone something in the universe doesn't feel right. Something is wrong. Something is destroyed. Something is broken. And everything in me feels the same and there is no repairing it. Something that makes the world feel like it's fallen into premanent grayness. Time is still moving forward, color still exists but honestly I'm failing to see any. Everything is just dark. And I get so angry again at the same unfairness, because I can't seem to understand why him? Why not some low life scumbag, like a child molestor, or a serial killer, or a rapist. A peson nobody will miss. Why not them instead? I understand nobody should play God, nobody should hold the power to decide who lives and who dies, but I think you can understand what I meant in this case.
I think about how everything changed and is changing at four am when the normal world is asleep and I'm sitting outside or by my window watching the sky change colors and sip coffee. There used to be something so comforting in coffee and darkness and quiet but lately the silence is defening and I can't stand it. I found myself wishing for chaos all the time, not the kind of chaos in my head though, just the non silent kind of chaos. Sometimes even music sucks because no matter what you do, you can't turn your brain off and certain songs will always remind you of certain people and certain memories. Sometimes I wonder what's the point of memories, even good ones to be honest because at times all they do is hurt you even more, hurt you to the point where that emptiness and that missing feeling inside of you is so strong that you can't even breathe no more. It just sucks you know, sucks that you have to keep busy to feel sorta okay. Either way these came in the mail today, safe to say I cried my weight in tears…
I decided to drop my pencils for a bit, I guess those of you who follow my Insta (purpleskylineart) have noticed a consistent theme going on, there's more too, they just haven't been posted, yet anyways, and I felt like it's time for a little break, sit down try to write some words, it hasn't been easy but I'm trying my best. Nothing I write is going to be good enough anyways so I might as well try…
I chose this album because it's the only one I got on vinyl and even this one is as you can see brand new. I'd like to own all of them on vinyl someday, but that's in the future I guess. The other album I have is a CD ''Hate Crew Deathroll'' and these two are my favourites. Of course all albums are great, I mean it's Bodom we're talking about but favourites remain. I'd say this album is often overlooked but to me it's one of the best ones they put out. Many fans said that under Spinefarm Records the sound quality or just the bands quality was slowly declining and that ''Halo of blood'' which was the first album under the new label (Nuclear blast) was actually the rebirth of the band. ''I worship chaos'' came right after.
This album is the ninth studio album, first one without Roope Latvala who was fired and the album in concequence recorded with only four members and Alexi doing all of the guitar parts. Not such a bad thing if you think about it, because who really needs a second guitar player next to Alexi? On stage sure but in the studio not so much (sorry boys, you know I love you). Fun fact this album was NOT recorded in a studio but rather in a converted warehouse to enhance the ambiance of sound, and you can really hear it in some songs on some parts.
It opens with ''I hurt'', one of my favourite songs from Bodom in general, also fun fact Alexi's favourite on this album. It's a very typical Bodom song, lots of ''motherfuckers'' in it. I actually really love his accent, the way he says ''motherfucker'', it's rather adorable, which I suppose is not the best word to describe someone like Alexi, but for me, ''pretty'' and ''adorable'' totally fit. It's a great album opener, that sets the pace for the entire record and gives you an idea of the general sound and vibe of it, it's fast paced and heavy and the boys decided later that it should be the opening track after the song was the last one to be recorded. Thank god they did right? I mean other songs would be killer opening too but I think this one just kind fits.
''How'd I wake up in a ditch, oh son of a bitch this time I'm not gonna make it''…I guess you'll understand why the begining of ''My Bodom (I am the only one) is rubbing me the wrong way these days huh? There's a slight old school vibe to this one and has the best guitar works. I mean obviously it does. Aparently this song, the arrangements of it were the toughest to do and they kept going back to it to actually finish it, it took several demos to get it done and in Alexi's words ''it turned pretty fucking good''. Yeah, it did.
It goes on with ''Morrigan'' and believe me this is a song you'll see me scream along to in my car on a red light. Listen I need heavy shit in my car to be able to cope with people's stupidity, which on our roads there's way too much of. So if you catch me headbanging and ''singing along'' to something, chances are it's this track. It's a fast, hard, heavy metal song from start to finish. Cute story it's a song all the ''chicks'' dig, which may be or may not be why it became the single. Hah, I mean it doesn't really give me the chick music kinda vibe but then again I am a chick too and I love it, so gotta be true.
Now have you ever wondered what it is with metal and horns? I mean who decided that goats are ''Satanic'' animals? What if Satan actually prefers fluffy bunnies? Just an idea. Though this must be another one of those ''it just makes sense'' kinda things, because I can't really count the number of times I've been called Satan or sometimes Satans daughter and I do in fact love goats. Like in a petting Zoo? You'll have a hard time dragging me away from those mini goats so I guess it fits. And then you got the ''heavy metal horns'' which we all know but apparently in sign language it means love? That also fits because lets be serious the metal community might as well be one of the kindest and most loving communities out there. I'm babbling because of the song ''Horns''. Which you guessed it right I love it. A bit more simple song construction but really catchy and has this real heavy metal vibe with something different added to it? I can't really put my finger on it to be honest but it's a mix of something else as well and it's absolutely perfect.
''Prayer for the afflicted'' hits different. It's slow, it's heavy and dark. Why does this sound like I'm describing sex? Depends what you're into I suppose. Hey no judgment guys. This darkness makes Prayer for the afflicted a more emotional song than the rest of this album and that's just what makes it good, a little change to keep you on your toes is always a good thing and it's a good last song for side A.
And then you got ''I worship chaos''. The title track and also the song I can connect to on a deep personal level. ''It's not that complicated, simply I just worship chaos''. It goes along to what I wrote about above. In Alexi's words, complete silence drives him mad, he worships chaos in a sense of never wanting to be in silence, silence freaks him out. And it's doing the same to me. I don't like quiet. I don't like the deafening feeling complete silence tends to give, either it's just the tv in the back, always gotta be something. It makes me feel like one of those anxious cats who's owners buy them white noise machines to keep them calm. Yes. Kinda like that. The song itself is a throwback to the bands older sound on ''Hate Crew Deathroll' which pretty much makes it even better, and that keyboard part in it? That was genius, it brings the whole album some vareity.
Have you ever just wanted to scream ''shut the fuck up'' at people? Be honest now…I wanna do it everyday. I mean I don't really know at this point is there something wrong with me or do people just keep on getting worse and freakin worse? I mean yea okay, I aint no sunshine and no bucket of daises that much I can admit but for real, people are just…horrible. Think this last year did a number on us and we all turned into assholes. I find it progressively harder and harder to handle with peoples stupidity. This is not arrogance mind you, I don't assume I'm always right, and in normal terms of conversation I am always ready to listen to the other side of the story, hell I'd like being challenged sometimes, but this is about actual ''Earth is flat'' kinda stupidity which makes me wonder how the fuck do people get up in the morning and carry on with their day without ending up dead in a ditch. Either from doing something stupid or pissing someone off bad enough.
This is where this next song comes in ''Hold your tongue'', this is something I'd tattoo on so many people's faces if it would shut them the hell up. It gives this big arena kinda feeling you know, like Bon Jovi's anthems do. Not that I remember that feeling at this point. It's buried somewhere deep and first concert I see after this hell will feel like losing my virginity all over again. No kidding. But the song! I really love the riffs and Jaska's drumming on this one is absolutely sick!
''Suicide bomber'' has this mix of melodies, guitars and keyboards that give you a different kinda kick. Another different vibing song, darker also, but really it's these little differences in songs that make an album great. They all somehow fit together, they somehow flow. These boys make it look easy but making a record flow like this is not quite as simple.
''All for nothing'' is in my opinion the best written song on the album. The lines ''I can't believe it's come to this, it's safe to say that ignorance is bliss, bittersweet goodbye and one last kiss, forever is a long time that I won't miss'', they hit differently these days, partly because of everything I wrote about in the begining of this post, partly because of some other private things I'd rather not discuss. It's funny just how true the saying is ''when you're happy you hear the music but when you're sad you understand the lyrics'', maybe that explains why I rarely ''hear'' a song and just connect to the words. The whole experience of this song is bittersweet, and ignorance in most cases really is bliss. I like how it starts with keyboards but the guitar takes over the riff and brings it home with the chorus that literally feels like it's about to tear out your fucking heart.
Album closes with ''Widdershins'', except for of course deluxe edition CD that also includes covers of ''Black winter day'', ''Mistress of Taboo'' and ''Danger zone'' and let me tell you something these are all perfect covers but there aint nothing as perfect as Alexi's clean vocals on this latst one and especially the way he sings ''Revvin' up your engine, listen to her howlin' roar'' and ''Headin' into twilight, spreadin' out her wings tonight''. I mean I love this song as is, personal memories that involve Harley Road Kings that blare this song, but apart from that, kill me now but no joke CoB's version is about a million times better than the original.
So ''Widdershins'' last song, kinda a shame, could listen to the album a bit longer but then you can always hit replay or put the needle to the begining. This song is melodic and also crushing. It's going to gently pat you on the head, and it's going to punch you in the face, but you know, lovingly so. It's heavy and it's slower and it's in the end for a reason I think, reason being it stands out from the entire album like ''I hurt'' does so it makes sense one is at the begining and one is at the end. It's funny because the song in some parts almost sounds soft you know, that's the patting you on the head part and then it fucking kills you with the lyrics, so much hurt, so much pain, so much darkness, maybe that's why I vibe with this song. I don't know why but I can literally hear Alexi in my head calling this song ''Def Leppard on LSD'' and laughing right now. So delete all that I just said about this song, that's what it really is. Def Leppard on LSD.
In general this album has been getting lots of shit, people saying it's not their best effort, and that it's rather ''average'' and that despite it being the longest album they put out it fails to deliever that real CoB punch. Now listen to me kids, while I agree that this album is not their best out of all they made, it's still a great album, the riffs, the vocals, the drumming, the lyrics, the darkness, I'm here for it all and I love it all. The songwriting in general is really impressive and the execution of the songs is perfect. Chaos might not experiment with the sound much, the slight variations in songs I mentioned but sure there aint many strays from that path. But thing is fans are never ever really happy, either musicians stray from the path or not, you can never please everyone. For me the album is completely satisfying it has everything I love and would want on a CoB album. And those raspy vocals sweet jesus they make me hot under my collar.
Another thing I just love about their vinyl, on all albums really, that from picture discs to colored vinyl they don't have many solid black records. Black is kinda boring isn't it? And their colored vinyl is just perfect, the paint splattered ones especially. This one is clear, I don't actually have any clear records yet and I'd take it out to show you but I think actually opening it will take some time. Some time to process the hurt. If that will ever happen in the first place. For now I just want it untouched, unchanged, somehow frozen, somehow like my mind is, unable to ''open and process the information''.
Maybe the absence of that beautiful smile, of that kind spirit, of that talent, maybe that's what makes the whole thing so unbearable now. Who am I kidding, everything makes it unbearable but really just when I think that I got it, that I ''fucking pulled myself together'' I think about never hearing a new riff again, I think about never seeing that smile again and the whole world spirals in a vortex of pain again. Or better a tornado, you know how there's no oxygene inside a tornado? And it's apparently feezingly cold…I think that defines this kinda pain really well, you can't breathe and you feel like your heart has frozen over. Kinda like that. The insides of a tornado.
There is so much more that I want to say, so much more he would deserve, but I can't. I can't find the words. I think with him gone, part of my inspiration is gone too. So I'm ending the post with the cliche but truthful words. He will be missed so much, and some scars with him gone will never heal, they'll just become easier to live with. Turn this album up as loud as it goes and scream along to it, you know that's what he would of wanted.
Fly free and high Wild Child of the North, I love you so much, this is not a goodbye, this is a ''fucking see you soon''.
