All these years, all our tears, still we sing the same old song.

It's been a while huh guys? Shit, almost a month. Sorry about that. I mean I doubt you really miss my pointless ranting but still. It's been a rough couple of days, weeks, months, years…you know how it goes. I guess I found my way back now as we just walked into yet another lockdown yesterday. No I am not whistling ''It's the final countdown'' with the lyrics changed to ''lockdown'' just yet. I know how this shit works. I've heard the ''it's just a few more days'' ''it's the last time'' blah blah blah one too many times so 11 days might as well turn into another 11 weeks. I don't know no more you guys, seems like people enjoy it. I'm going crazy but idiots around me seem to enjoy it. Perhaps that's the key, the more abuse, the more corruption, the more lies, police violence and violence in general, the more we love it. I'm just tired of it all you know. So tired. 

Been sitting here staring at these GIF's at the side of the blog, usually they inspire me, they make me smile at least, they make things easier, music always makes things easier, these days though, things are just hopless, dark, somehow pointless. ''Uzalud sunce sja, kad mi u srcu padaju kiše''. Kinda like that. I envy people that used these lockdowns to learn a new skill, try new foods, learn a language or some shit like that. All it did for me is drove me fucking crazy. I count it as a personal victory that I haven't murdered anyone yet, or went fucking crazy with a chainsaw like someone did at the parliament just a few days ago. Respect. 

So while I at least try to keep my mind occupied with doodles, slow posting on Instagram, though there are many MANY new drawings to post, feels like I haven't done much but doodle these days…how about some music to go with. This album might be completely unusual for me but also something you'd totally expect. 

There's hundreds and hundred of these mixed albums. People don't like them much I learned. But I do. I like so many bands and swapping albums is tiring, so having a mix of more songs that you love on one record can only be a good thing. Like that ''Metal Ballads'' volume 3 and 4 that I'll probably just die without. Sigh. 

Can we take a moment to appreciate the cover though? The bike alone is an absolute beauty but the guy might as well be an example of everything I find attractive, biker, the hair (okay yea blond would be even better), the clothes, the everything. So damn handsome! And them boots you guys! Feeling slightly hot under my collar doesn't begin to cover it. ''Tough guys show their soft side''. Cute. And unreal. First things first all ''tough guys'' have a soft side and that comes out more than you'd imagine and on the other hand the concept of ''tough guys'' is dead anyways, I look at men around me, and I feel sick. Like lets be serious young boys when joined the Partisans, were freezing and starving in the woods but they pushed on for what they believed in for all of us for their country. And men now? They eat gluten free pizza, cry over their manicure and own more beauty product than us ladies do. Proposterous.

I mean I can fix my car on my own, open jars, change a lightbulb and defend myself much better than a man could. What do I need one for anyway? Oh right the usual MALE reply to this is sex. Lol, please. Sorry to disappoint you guys but no man can ever please a woman as much as her toys can, if they say otherwise they're lying to you. And no toy can please a woman like new shoes can, just the thought of them makes me salivate. But really, I'm off topic, not going to be ranting about sex toys today, even if, rock ballads, pizza and dildos might be a good way to pass lockdown time. 

Like for real I am one of those people that love relaxing in the tub even if my sister calls it a ''wet place to overthink about how your life sucks'', she makes a valid point too because I do that but still, tub, rock ballads and a glass of wine? Yes, please. Anyday. 

Might actually have this over playing while I over think. It came out in 1991 and it's actually perfect from the first song. ''Scorpions Wind of Change''. I love Scorpios like for real, the ''Tease me, please me'' song? That is literally one of my favourite songs. Do I wanna dance strip tease to it on the hood of a late 1970's Camaro? Fuck yes! 

''Wind of change'' is sorta iconic. Like who doesn't fucking know wind of change?  I mean it's not just a song, we all know what it means, what it stands for right? The lyrics were born after the bands visit to the Soviet Union when it was at the height of it's political movment for reformation within the Communist party also known as ''Perestroika''. In the words of Klaus Meine himself;

''The idea came to me in the U.d.S.S.R. when I was sitting in the Gorky Park Center  one summer night, looking at the Moskva River. The song is my personal reappraisal of what has happened in the world in recent years.''

It was released in January 1991 and it was a worldwide hit right away, because the release sorta co happened with a failed coup (August coup) which eventually leaded to the end of the Soviet Union. It also exists in Russian and Spanish version just saying. To me personally I sorta connect it to the fall of the Berlin wall more. I was watching that moment when people were finally free, the wall fell and the joy was everywhere. Kinda wishing for that ''fall of the wall'' moment in this country too. But it feels that way ''wind of change''. Today this song is one of the best selling singles of all times with about 15 million copies sold and holds the best selling German artist song by record! Anyway maybe I see the fall of the wall that much clearer in my head because they actually preformed this song on November 9th at the Brandenburg Gate in 1990 during the anniversary.  Can I just take a second to say how I fucking miss Berlin? Omfg. Seriously Corona fuck off. I am done. 

Next is Magnum ''Need a lot of love'' and if I gotta even get into this song then I may start screaming. We all get what it's about and we all understand the message right? 

I may be biased and skipping the second song because I am obsessed with the third one. Jon Bon Jovi ''Miracle''. Not only we all need miracles sometimes but that man is a fucking miracle in that music video. Y'all see in right? The Harleys, the hair, the man! I mean I did say above the fuck do we need them for, but if they look like that? Damn! If someone paid me just for watching this video I'd be crying in a Bentley today. 

I mean just look at all that! Ladies (and some guys too, hey I don't judge) don't y'all just wanna fuck him so hard on that bike that he'd need new shock absorbers in the morning? Both him and the bike. Lol.  I'm sorry for the bluntness. Lockdown is getting to me, I suppose my brain is melting or turning into mush. The video also apparently features Jeff Beck and Matt LeBlanc. Not that I really noticed them though we all know how much I love Joey. It's a really good song that was my point, and it's a REALLY good music video. And the all kinds of emotions it makes me feel are not too bad either. 

Steve Thomson ''Dream on''? nothing but love. ''Dream on though it's hard to tell, though you're foolin' yourself, dream on.'' Don't we all just wanna dream some days away. Or dream about showering with a certain younger version of Jon Bon Jovi. I bet he doesn't sing in the shower, I bet he's preforming in the shower. In more than one way I bet. I'm not going through a whole box of Mon Cheri vodka chocolates okay. Shut up.  Dream on is a really nice song purely because we all need dreams, some to keep us going and some to just get through the day. Keep on dreaming guys. Really. 

It goes on with ''Robin Beck – First time'' which I am not over the moon with, it's more of a ''meh'' for me, might be because well female vocalists rarely get any enthusiasm from me and also because this song is nothing to alert the press about. A filler I guess. 

Nazareth ''Love hurts''? Yes it fucking does! If you search for Nazareth in a past post you'll see I covered this song in quite a few words. It was written by a songwriter Boudleaux Bryant, and first recorded by the Everly Brothers in 1960. But I think we all know Nazareths version best. It's a beautiful song, that one note, that one heart tugging note. Sigh. It gets me every single time. 

Yngwie Malmsteen ''Save our love''. Now listen to me, Yngwie, can anything or anyone save your love? Like when love is gone, what can you do? Can you even go on? Nevermind trying to save anything. It's not that I was sitting on a sofa with a bottle of vodka and my cats, eating Nutella with a spoon while this played on repeat ''Once we were one, now we're worlds apart, deep inside you know you are my other heart. My memories seem like yesterday, can't believe it's all so far away. All these years, all our tears, still we sing the same old song. Let's make right all that went wrong, there's no beginning there's no end, there's no reason to pretend, crying for help from above, we've got to save our love''. Sigh. My broken heart enjoys having salt poured on its wounds. Yeah. Fighting for love should always be a thing, you should never just let go, you should never quit on someone you love, you should never let something perfect slide from your hands. Ever. 

Side one closes with Bon Jovi ''I'll be there for you'' which we also all know and it's one of the most beautiful love songs next to Always and Bed of roses if you ask me. When he played that song in Milano I sobbed like a baby. Well even more at Always because we all know that's my all time favourite song, yes kids Always tops everything. I hate picking favourites, t'aint right, t'aint fair, t'aint fit, t'aint proper to pick favourites but this is how it is Always and also November rain are two of the best song sever written and my favourite songs of all times and I will fight you if you try to prove me otherwise. Careful though, I'll be coming at you with knives. I'll be there for you is from the album New Jersey which is the best album they ever made, still today, since new ones are crap (sorry not sorry). Some lucky bitches get to hear this song sung by Richie Sambora on their shows. I'd kill for that no joke. But well I did get like half of ''In these arms'' by David so that's something too.

Extreme and ''More than words'' cute but nothing special and mostly so freaking over played by radio stations, but well I wont turn it off if it comes on. 

Rainbows ''Catch the rainbow'' is an older song and another filler for me, don't particularly like it. But then after Rainbow there's Cinderella and ''Heartbreak station'', there have been two album reviews in the past on them but still. I freakin love them. They are so under appreciated it's insane. The voice, the music, the guitars, the glam, all of it fits. I love them. I mean yeah we've all heard Don't know what you got till it's gone about a million times but really both albums I reviewed are really good. They really got me with the ''tears filling up my eyes, sometimes the pain you hide, burns like a fire inside''. Yeah it does. Sometimes it's hard hiding it too. This song is actually on their third album that I don't have. Sigh. Another one to put on the list. Apparently this one waas really their finest moment as artists even if it didn't do so well commercially as it's predecessors. I think it's more bluesy rock rather than glam metal and that's what makes it really cool.

Now before I make this way too long and actually still got shit to do today, despite the lockdown, no you guys it's not dildo testing. Other songs featured on this album are ''China – So long'', ''L.A. Guns – The ballad of Jane'' what's with these Jane or Janey type animals? Like for real, Janeys got a gun, Sweet Jane, Jane says, Sad Jane, Baby Jane, The diary of Jane, Lady Jane, Hazey Jane, Strange Jane, Crow Jane, Janey Blue and on and on and on till fucking eternity. Seriously what's that all about? I mean at least when it's Desiree or Candy or Amanda you know it's about strippers but this is just…the hell is that about? I mean okay at least I get Prince's ''Darling Nikki'' and sorta INXS's ''Beautiful girl'' even if she is ''Nicky'' same thing though. I'd melt to pieces of unicorn and glitter should he sing that song for me in his angel face and voice. Moving on, album also features ''Deep purple – Wasted sunsets'' don't we all have many of those, ''Doro – A whiter shade of pale'' and ''Kingdom come – You'll never know''. What exactly because there's many things we'll never know. 

Now for real logging off, to finish a drawing I started. Not of Alexi this time but a scene from the movie Dirty Dancing. Say what you will but that movie will forever stay my guilty pleasure, as will Hungry eyes and Patrick Swayze all in black. To all my fellow prisoners, sigh, I hope we survive you guys, may you never run out of vodka and Nutella and to the rest of the world enjoying freedom. Cheers, it's not that I'm jealous it's that I wanna murder you all. Kidding. Well only sorta. See you on the other side. (of lockdown not the veil lol, assuming the lockdown madness ever ends but the way things are headed I may be married to a young Jon Bon Jovi sooner than released from ''prison'').

You know I let you down, I've been clumsy with your heart again.

January 22. Lockdown week: ??? Year 2021. I gotta tell you, catching Covid was not on my January 2021 bucket list but here we are. And not I'm not only on lockdown but quarantine as well. And if you're guessing I'm pissed you're right. I feel like in a video game, three lives then game over. Yeah like that. I feel like it's game over for me. I mean I fully planned on getting over this pandemic without getting sick, despite finding it insane wearing a mask outside I always did because I was responsible to others and I bleached my hands bloody with alcohol. What I did not plan on though is one of my family members infecting me and them getting it in a fucking hospital. THAT was not on my bingo list. I'm just. Angry. But instead of moping about, or spiraling in a dark dark hole that is reading old posts about concerts (god I miss those) I am sharing an old post. Cute moment. A fond memory. This is an almost ten year old post now. Memory in it is a bit older. But an awfully fond one. Life was nothing short of perfect then. This was posted on December 19th, titled ''It's only love''.

''What do you think I was up to last night? Looking for trouble no doubt. But seems like there's such things as miracles, or better yet police chiefs prayers heard, because I did not find any actual trouble. Disappointing if you ask me. I was out with my sister and boyfriend. It's been a while the three of us had some fun together. We were in a club, purely because it has the ancient Japanese art called ''Karaoke''. Okay I hear you, I know what you're thinking, trust me I do. And if you're also thinking ''good night nurse  Nichol, that girl better didn't do it'' you may wanna stop reading now.

The general idea behind going out was to relax or really just get hammered before that dreadfull Sunday that's coming up, giving me all kinds of creeps. It felt good having fun to be honest. I forgot what that's like, been so caught up with all kinds of shit and drama it's ridiculous. I mean yeah we go to a shit ton of concerts, but concerts are the food for my soul, they're my happiness, but they aren't a place to drink and let lose. I crave a different kinda fun occasionally. Don't even remember when I spent time in a bar for fun, always events, always work.

When we walked in there were four guys on stage doing what I can only hope is a bad impression of the Backstreet Boys. Seriously the boys would be appaled at the…whining.  I give them props though I think they just weren't drunk enough for their ''talent'' to really shine through. I didn't plan on getting on stage at that point mind you, but all of you who know my dumbass boyfriend (a man child, a work in progress, all the bad  things said in the most loving way so help me god) can imagine how this one played out. The dude behind the bar was giggling as he walked up on stage asking who's next and like from the corner of my eyes, I see that oh so charming, deadly and dangerous grin. My lovely boyfriend the joker that he is gets up and goes ''oh I am so doing this next''. He gulps down like three shots worth of Fireball whiskey, winks and me and jumps on stage. I should of known right there and then that that will bring me nothing but trouble. Sigh. You guys, how stupid am I really? I never ever learn do I? Easy for him to get on stage he's a singer, easy for him cuz he's in a damn band! Alright he got up and held a speech on how hard picking a song is because he loves so many songs. Bullshit. All for an act.

The next moment he grins evily and goes ''how about a sing off you guys?'' shit. Just wanted to shoot him on the spot. I love him. But. That dumb bitch. My sister gave me the whole bottle of Jack Daniels saying ''you're going to need this you know''. Yeah. I do know. And not even a moment later he goes ''can my beautiful, gorgeous girlfriend please join me on stage?''. That little fucker. I swear the world is not big enough to hold my wrath. Though I got up and joined him. Why? Because I had a killer outfit, too much to drink at that point and because he was certain I won't do it. And don't I just love proving him wrong. Well sweetheart this is not how I roll. No is not in my vocabulary, nor is fear. So I got on, tripping over my high heels. Don't drink and wear heels Nikki or you'll end up in the ER one day. I sat on the speaker with the whiskey bottle while he said ''I have a song! And Nikki, baby, this one is for you''.

And what did the asshole pick? ''Bryan Adams Run to you''. An artist on our bucket list to see live someday. And Run to you. A song that has meaning to the both of us. What sucks though is that his voice? Absolutely perfect. He sounds just like Bryan. And if you've had a few? Then you won't know the difference anyways. Of course he sang that absolutely perfectly while I just kept chugging my whiskey, trying to ignore the flirting. I was beyond nervous okay. And then the song ends, and that vicious smile comes back with ''your turn baby girl, beat this if you can''. Honestly at that point I would beat him. And not in the sense of the word he meant. But you know as I said, a little fun never killed nobody. And he will not win this fight. Besides I prefer a bit of crazy in my life, the kinda crazy like crashing bachlor parties, pretending to be a stripper, and things I shouldn't write down, I'm 60% sure they are illegal.

Anyways back to the story, he was leaning on the wall by the stage, grinning, his tight jeans too low, and a black tank top with tattoos on full display, and that attractive smirk that literally melts your panties…he was not making things easy for me. But you know whiskey courage. So I chose my own song, dedicated it right back to him, telling him to pay attention to the lyrics. What was it? ''Bryan Adams One night love affair''. No I aint never changing. But what's the shocking part here? The people in the club actually liked it. I mean, passed out drunk probably but still. I imagined one has to be comatose to like my singing. As the song ends the guy from before asks the crowd who they liked better. Surprise surprise he won? No not really. Neither did I. Someone yelled that we should do a duet. And that's how I got roped into yet another song of Bryans, the one he does with Tina Turner ''It's only love''. And indeed it is only love.

Singing Tina is hard as fuck you know. There's a reason that there's only one Tina. We did a good job on the song. Better than solos. I guess that's just what it is. A message from above that we are better together. People sang with us and when the song ends they were screaming ''kiss kiss kiss''. Funny. It was a perfect movie scene, he was just there, slowly pushing my hair off my face, his hand hooking in my belt loops, pulling me close, so close there was no space even for a piece of paper between us. And god that intoxicating Hugo Boss perfume that made my head spin. The anticipation of the kiss itself was enough to kill me and then he kissed me and the world melted away.

Were you ever kissed like that? Like the movies say, fireworks exploding, seeing stars, feeling shivers running up and down your spine. Everything was just gone there was just me and him and it was perfect. And he tasted like whiskey and mint and Jesus Christ I could honestly get addicted from it. Did y'all know it can be this intoxicating, addicting, all consuming? I haven't felt like this, well ever.

At the end of the day what did our ''lets play rock band'' adventure give us? Free drinks all night and does anything sound better than free drinks? Heck no. Free Fireball, I might as well die and go to heaven. Though this ''addiction'' would most likely end me in hell. Have you ever kissed someone with their lips tasting hot and fiery like Fireball whiskey? Heaven and hell. A bit of both. Have you ever fell asleep in someone's arms feeling like you're exactly where you should be? Heaven. Have you ever been woken up by a kiss from someone you absolutely adore? Pure heaven. And if this is heaven then I don't ever want to leave.

Safe to say that last night was actually pretty amazing. Wish the hungover wasn't such a bitch though, but on the other hand, if you wanna survive my family? Might as well start drinking early in the day. Hungover is a small price to pay. There's two ways to go when dealing with the fam. If you got booze – good. If you don't – bad. Start drinking at 8am, keep going till 8pm and hope for the best.

Do play some Adams, while I get sobered up and showered and inspect my skin, please pray to god that that David tattoo didn't get a matching one on the other side. I have a bad habit of doing stupid shit when drunk. Jesus christ.''

Funny how things change isn't it? One minute you're happy and one minute later, things come crashing like a stack of cards. Most of my dedicated readers know what I'm on about. The rest, I'm sorry but this is a topic for another time. Let's keep the memory positive and happy. No need for more sadness.

I was going to actually tie this post in with a review of Bryans album ''Reckless'' which is my favourite one. I just remembered too late that I don't actually have it no more. Sucks. I need to get a new copy at some point. And about a dozen others. Sigh. So since there's no review now, I managed to dig up these three pictures from the gig in 2014. We never saw it together, the ex in the post and I. But the concert was still pretty amazing. Remind me to do it again someday. When life is actually close to normal again. If that's ever going to happen. I have little hope for a normal world.

 

Is it just me or do you also feel surreal looking at concert pics and videos? Feels like…I don't know. It just feels strange. I haven't seen more than 3 people together for months. Actually I haven't seen people at all for months. A concert with 60 000 people? Wild. And fuck I miss it so much. The thrill. The happiness. Say what you will but 70% of my utter mysery is the fact that I have nothing to look forward to. My best friend used to say to never put all your happiness in a boy because when he's gone you got nothing. He was right of course. But I never once thought that putting my happiness into bands and concerts could result in the same outcome. They're gone, and I got nothing. Sigh.

Now, excuse me while I dig myself an even deeper hole by going into my concert files and watch some really happy memories. Enjoy the weekend you guys, play some Adams, get drunk, eat spoonfulls of Nutella. Whatever works. Cheers.

 

Everytime I see your face, everytime you look my way it's like it all falls into place, everything feels right.

Sometimes I really don't know, is the world around me going crazy or am I going crazy. Has it always been that way and I just never noticed? Is this how life is for everyone, just this fucking hard? Except well, the few fortunate ones…is this all there is to it? I don't know, seems like this global crisis made a lot of things clear and a lot of things worse. Maybe despite everything I've been living in my own ''safe zone'' , not really ''safe'' but, seeing only the things I want to see, and now when I realised people are not what I thought, things are not what I thought…it feels like the world around me is crashing down once again. 

Sometimes I find myself thinking ''fuck things are just getting worse''. And they really are. Life is just overwhelmingly difficult sometimes. And it's ridiculous how daydreaming ends up being so mundane. I mean you'd dream about I don't know, a Maybach in front of your house, a date with your favourite star, eating too much pizza and never getting fat, you know what I mean? And here I am, finding myself dreaming of the most mundane things, a tiny place of my own to get away from everyone and everything. A person that loves me for me and has no hidden agenda or plays dumb games. Just love, no pain. Financial security, that allows you to live not just survive. A family…the kind who doesn't yell at you about dirty dishes when all you're thinking about is jumping off the tallest building in town…guess the times we live in…these dreams will actually remain dreams. Life is fucked up guys. 

I guess in moments like these, there's little things making it better, easier, less painful. And the one thing that is, the one this post will be about…well even that lately has been tainted…

This is a quick book review. I don't want let myself think about all the bad things surrounding the band lately. To me they will remain my favourite band. The one I grew up with. The one that helped me through so much, heartbreaks, family arguments, people leaving, friends leaving, loss, teenage angst…going back to my private blog, there is so much about them. About just that I mentioned above, about their shows I've been to, about new songs, new videos, about how they made me feel.

There's a post from october 2015, about a video that came out just around that time. It's been a rough week, or a month, or several months, a time that made me think just why the fuck do I bother even trying, when everything I do always goes wrong (question remains, and so do hard times) and just how that little notification of a new video made me snap into full fangirl mode and made life a little easier just for a little bit. It was like, the world melted away for 4 little minutes and everything felt okay.

There's a post, from August 2014. God what a day that was. Awful. Horrible. And if I quote it ''I should probably thank my favourite band for keeping me sane once again, since the world seems to be spiraling out of control they keep my feet on solid ground. The only people in my life that nevevr hurt me and probably never will, I know I sound crazy but I guess…I don't know, in an unhappy world I found my happiness in them.''.

There's a post from July 2013. Just pictures. From some meet and greet. With fans. Cute interactions. Think my heart exploded into a puddle of rainbows and unicorns watching those pics. Always wishing I'd be in the shoes of those fans…never happened. Doesn't seem like it will either, but hell, just my luck. 

There's a post from June 2013, Saturday the 8th, a day after their show in Austria. It was my second time seeing them…and the post is hardly a concert review it's more…jumbled words, freaking out, hysterics,…I possibly wrote those posts shedding happy tears, much different than todays post…all the tears today are sad ones. It was a very good day, June 7th. I was nervous. I was completely freaking out. Daydreaming about that meet and greet…yeah if I wasn't worried about passing out right in front of them, like in some god awful cheap movie. I still remember that first moment when the venue goes dark, screaming starts, first note of ''Shut up'' hits and the world disappears. Everything is right. Everything is okay. God I miss this so much. You know how fan girls always have that screeching ''I swear he's looking right at me'' thing? Well at this show, it really happened. I'm not a crazy fangirl it did. One of them locked eyes with me and we stared at eachother smiling for good ten seconds, it got to a point where other fans turned and looked at me. It was a moment. A moment I aint never gonna forget. I remember I wrote that nothing really will top this moment, or this show in the original blog post. And yeah, I've seen so many concerts after, but I guess in a way none of them did top that one. Sure Springsteen, or The Stones, but that can't be compared, of course they're better musicians, but they mean something else to me, they matter on a different level. I lost my voice the next morning due to crying and screaming. Family proclaimed me insane. Not the first or last time to be honest.  The blog post ends with ''I know you can't understand these hysteric ramblings, it's a kinda love you have to feel to understand. My boys, my saviours.''. I still feel that way even if these days…it just hurts. 

There's a post from March 2013, describing in vivid detail a dream I had involving them. It was cut short by being abruptly woken up by my family. It's been 7 years and I am still mad because of it. Because I never found out how things ended. Where the dream led to. What could have happened. It was only just a dream…but still. It was kinda perfect. 

There's a post from Avgust 29th. Confessions how one of them was my first ever crush. True story. I've been ''in love'' with him since I was 11 years old. Which is funny when you think of it, I don't have friends, boyfriends, family even staying in my life as long as this band did. It's a little rant about how music changes lives, changes a part of you, makes you feel, makes you experience life and emotions in a way you didn't know possible. This band made a difference to me, made me appreciate things I never knew matter before, made me love stronger, made me regret less. They made me feel like I'm not all alone in the world. The lyrics, they were lyrics that described some of the emotions I felt better than I could, and that, that meant so much. There's words in this post about how grateful I am for everything they did and keep on doing for me. How grateful and happy I was to have something like them to fall back on to. 

There's a post from May 2012 describing a fun family moment. I got home, soaking wet from rain, shedding clothes as I went through the hallway hearing my mother asking if it's me in the house. I remember replying ''no mother it's OJ Simpson'', and walking through the kitchen to get upstairs. It was one of those moments, parents have company over and you find yourself half naked in front of them because nobody informed you. She told me ''I hope you were outside in a little more clothes than that'', while I stand there in front of her friends in zebra printed underwear muttering it's ''David's favourite'' one of her friends asked who David is, she said ''David is Nikki's imaginary husband''. I swear my mother…I know I told her that she has a twisted version of the truth, and that he's not imaginary but just a great husband who doesn't expose me to the paparazzi and the fans. I just loved to drive my mother crazy, she'd be like ''remember that whole ''being normal'' thing we talked about? This would be a damn good time to start using it''. I still think she's delusional if she thinks I will EVER be normal.

There's a post from May 15th 2012 with just one line ''David falls in love easy''. I remember reading that and my heart stopping. Hah. crazy fan girl. There's several ''appreciation'' posts after that one too, just their pictures…

There's about 100 more of these posts, pictures, memories, concerts, song releases, ''love letters''…

But today I don't know where I stand. I don't know how to feel. Nothing really changes, I love them, so much, they mean the world to me, still. But something changed. Everything changed. Life caught up with all of us. And more than the present I fear the future because as dramatic as it may sound. I really don't want to live in a world where they don't exist as a band. 

As everything in my life getting this book was a nightmare. I ordered it and it got lost, I never got it. And then it was sold out, or they didn't have it in stock, or this or that. There was always something. My ex boyfriend ended up getting it for me through a friend. I'll be forever grateful to them for that. 

I think the first idea of a book was actually a photobook and it was as early as 2005. They had two albums at that point and what I imagine hundreds of pictures documenting their career. I guess every band does. Would be amazing huh, digging through some such archives. Possibly of bands such as GN'R and Stones and all the other rock legends I love so much.

This ''photobook'' took forever. All through the years fans were asking, reporters were asking and it was always in the works, being made, etc. Then early in 2012 they announced it's not going to be a photobook but a real proper book with over 300 pages (it has 304), released in English and in French. What started as a photobook ended up being so much more. A book with the complete written history of the band, written by Kathleen Lavoie, memorabilia, letters from the fans, backstage passes, different merch, gear etc, things that the band kept and used over the ten years of their career. 

I read it several times since getting it. Actually read it. Flipped through it admiring the pictures many more times as well. I guess if it's not already obvious from above, I really love this band and I obviously loved every page of this book, start to finish. I made me fall in love with them and their music even more, there were some things in the book that even I didn't know if that's at all possible. It's a really well written story, flows nicely, the pictures are just too beautiful and so many of them were pictures I never saw anywhere before that. The book is honest, it tells the good and the bad. The struggles in the begining and I like that. Honesty. 

It's been rough when David left for the first time due to depression. I think I was more scared of him hurting himself than I was of…anything really…and it's really hard now, with whatever the fuck this is that's been happening…I guess, all I really wish at this point is that the book gets a part two in another 13 years and this right now? This is just a bad chapter. A bad moment in time. But a moment. A moment that will pass and happiness and better times will follow. Because fuck. This is the last bit of happiness left in my life and I can't imagine it being taken away as well.