“Some people may be brokenhearted not because they’ve been hurt but because they’ve never found someone who mattered enough to hurt them.''

It's been a tough week of quarantine, not going to lie. I am a second away from moving into my garage just to have some peace and quiet. You know when you watch movies where families are stuck together say in a snow blizzard, or on a holiday or something? And they are playing board games, having fun, enjoying eachothers company? Yeah that. No wonder it's in movies only, because in real life? We're all a second away from tearing each others throaths out. It's absolutely unbearable. And lets not even start with personal space which is all but not existing. Can I draw without people going ''all your drawings look the same'' yeah, they should because it's the same man. ''Why are you drawing this like that?'' because. ''Stop drawing faces and draw a country side for a change'' no. Or reading? I swear the moment I pick up a book there's three tvs, two radios and constant yelling echoing all over the house and then I'm crazy for not being able to focus ''if you're reading you're reading, what's it to you if the tv is on?'' sure. Because it's so easy to read over the loud tv. Or god forbid they see me typing, in theory knowing I write a blog ''what do you even have to write about? You don't go anywhere, you don't do anything, you read those shallow books, listen to dumb music, what could you possibly have to write about?''. Jeesh thank you for reminding me how incredibly unbearable my life is of late. Appreciated. 

I did however through the noise managed to read a book. It literally took me whole week for a book that I would usually finish up in one afternoon, but I guess even a week is a miracle for the zoo I live in.

Andre Aciman / Find me / LGBT

It took forever to even get my copy. I mean a store less than a km away has it, but god forbid book stores being open in this country, so it had to be ordered online and then in took like 2 weeks to have it shipped. Life is slow these days. 

Let me start with the fact that in theory this book is a sequel to ''Call me by your name'' and as such is a let down. I was actually really excited for the story about Oliver and Elio to come back, as in pick up where we left them. Which of course is impossible. No broken relationship can just go on after it's been damaged. But it's not that that's disappointing. It's the fact that the story of Oliver and Elio is a good 20 pages long story in this book. The rest is everything but them. I suppose it's gradually building up to that moment in time, moment in life, when Oliver finally grows a pair and actually goes and ''finds'' Elio again. 

The first half of the book is not about either of the boys, it's actually told from Elio's fathers point of view and about a much younger woman ''Miranda'' that he meets on a train. It's all passion, and lust, and infatuation and probably bad that I saw myself in her again. Yeah the attitude and the whole infatuation with a much older man. Yeah that's me alright. I liked the portraying of the overwhelming experience of a strong crush though. I liked it when they walked about Rome, talking, sharing memories and stories. Which girl wouldn't like that, hand in hand with a major crush, walking down those narrow, charming streets of Rome. Expecially if it's dawn, right after the rain and the street lights glisten on the pavements like stars. It's magical I tell you. But as magical as Rome is, the first part of the book leaves you eager and at the edge of your seat for the main two characters. Maybe that's just what Aciman was after though, a (very) slow build up to the point. 

Second half of the book picks up where ''Call me by your name'' left of, but it's not what you think, it's Elio and Oliver, but their separated lives. Which is kinda surprising way to go about it, given the sheer borderline obsession we read about in the first part. I gotta give him that it was very bold to decide to go that way with the sequel. It was surprising me as well that Elio was living with a much older Frenchman  (aren't I the same as Elio also in so many ways?) and Oliver was married with kids to a woman. That was the interesting part. I mean yeah we read in the first part he's getting married, but 15 years down the line? I imagined things would blow up sooner.

This type of writing though is great to keep you wondering, wondering if there is a happy ending for Elio and Oliver after all of if they're just doomed to forever pine after each other and never find their way together again. Delay is what bulilds tension but it's also aggravating and frustrating. You can't always get what you want and all that but really I picked up the book for one reason and one reason only and having to wait basically till the end to get there is what made this book less amazing for me than it could be. Truth to be told, more than half of the book is all about Samuel (Elios father) and Miranda who no offense are just not that interesting, and that's kind of a turn of for me, having to force myself to keep on reading because the interesting bit ''is surely right on the next page''.

Bottom line though what I kinda really took of from the both books is that ''Call me by your name'' is more that honeymoon thing, the falling in love, the exploring, the passion, love, infatuation, more carefree (despite the drama) and ''Find me'' is that harsh moment of reality when you come back home, back to real life. Nobody likes that to be honest. But I think Aciman himself actually explained his entire book choice with a quote by Oliver saying ''we're not going to feed off the past, are we?''.

Let's also put it this way, ''Find me'' is more gentle, melancholic kinda book. If ''Call me by your name'' is about first love and the excitement it brings, then ''Find me'' is about true love. The long haul kinda love. The real one that is worth waiting for. Real one that even if life tears you apart you will eventually find your way back together because that love, that person, that life, that is exactly where you're supposed to be. Maybe not now, maybe not in a year, but someday…I'm talking about the interesting bit of the book mind you. Not the ramblings in between.

If we go back to Samuel and Miranda for a second, their whole story is just so dull because mostly it's not about love or passion or even sex it's about the age gap between them. It's all about that. Them meeting in the wrong period of time, because that's just how fate wanted. And let me tell you something that's just utter bullshit. Who cares about age gap? Who cares if a woman is half your age. As long as it's legal mind you. Love is love. Love doesn't care about age, if it works it works, if it doesn't…well…and it's kinda sad to point out that because of their age gap all they really got is the ''end of Samuels life''. Come on. Who wants to read that depressing shit. You're here now, enjoy life while you can. They end up in the same ocean side house in Italy that Oliver and Elio met in and have a son, which by the time Samuel dies is about 7 years old, and guess what's his name? Oliver. I found that detail actually really cute. But actually the two characters at times feel so unreal. She's a proper wet dream, a model looking gorgeous girl, dressed sloppily in leather and boots, takes black and white photos and wants to get tattooed at 2 in the morning on a whim (see what I mean when I say she's a bit like me, or I like her?). And him, he's a bit of an enigma. Parts of the book are just strange due to it and it feels like the author is really listing down his own turn ons. Comparing private parts to lighthouses and fruit though? I mean was it supposed to be sexy or funny or…?

Second part of the book is therefore much more enjoyable because it's passed on to Elio's point of view.  We learn a bit about his Frenchman. Twice his age. What's this about, Oliver was older, his dad and Miranda, now Michel the Frenchman…like trying to make me sit down and re think my life choices next time I say Joe Perry makes me all hot and bothered. All through this section though you can tell that there's only been one man for Elio and even 15 years later it's still pretty obvious who that is, except he moves on to a runner up Michel who is ''good enough'' to be compared to Oliver, and I guess for a while there things are going quite good for them. 

Third part focuses on Oliver. He was not quite as ''lucky'' as Elio was. I mean lets face it neither one of them was lucky or happy but you know what I mean. I think the point here wasn't that Oliver was unhappy because he rejected Elio, Oliver was unhappy because with rejecting him, he also rejected himself. His feelings, his wants and needs. I suppose this part must be most aching, Olivers life is most like a tragedy in this book but also best depicted, because he's the character with most self deception and multiple layers of emotion.

And then fucking finally FINALLY. The fourth part. The moment when the boys finally reunite. The planets align, the crops are grown in, rivers are full, sun is shining and everything is perfect. It's a lyrical epilogue, to all that wasted time and true love worth the wait. I liked the change in the prose the books are written in though, first book is all about passion as I said but here the reunion is gentle and sorta afraid you know. Afraid to pick up where you left of. Because lets face it you can never really do that. You can start over but you can never just go on where you left of 15 years ago. It was sweet the way they reconnected and honestly the last few pages made the ''torture'' of reading the whole book worth while. 

In general I enjoyed the book. It gave us some anwsers and it made me happy knowing Oliver and Elio finally got their happy ending. I wouldn't mind a part three though, but this time just them, and just happiness. Lets face it we all need a bit more happiness in our lives. 

To end up this post I'll share my favourite quote from the book;

''It's just that the magic of someone new never lasts long enough. We only want those we can't have. It's those we lost or who never knew we existed who leave their mark. The others barely echo.''

Now if you'll excuse me, I have about 14 sketches to finish up. My fellow artists will understand how frustrating it is when there's something so perfect inside your head but you can't for the love of everything holy put it on paper. I threw out 20 sketches this morning alone. Sigh. Patience is a virtue, Rome wasn't build in one day and all that. Enjoy the weekend guys and join me on Monday for some Bob Seger's Night moves. Shit I love that album. 

We had the stars, you and I.

I hate the holidays. I hate December. I hate the ''holiday cheer''. You're gonna hear me repeat this several times this month (and every following December while this blog lasts) no doubt. But I have a question for all y'all actually excited each year when December comes around. Does it even feel like the holidays this year? Do you feel any joy or cheer or happiness? Honest question, because minus the cold and christmas trees everywhere, as far as I'm concerned it could still be March. Like I don't even know. Another week of lockdown, lost count which by now has passed and another one upon us. It's not even funny no more. I mean it never was funny, but you know what I mean. Running out of books, drawings, movies and ways to rearrange my closet (and my life) at this point. Anyone else going crazy? I would just about commit murder for a normal cup of coffee or a glass of cold beer in my fave bar and a shopping spree where you get to try on clothes and be silly with your best friends (though, what are those?). Lets not even get into events. I have never in my life went this long without concerts. Ever. It's pure torture. I can't even look at live videos of my fave bands no more because I feel like I'll start ripping my hair out, and sobbing, and screaming, and fainting, maybe not in this order.

In another attempt to distract myself I went into the huge back log of the books I have to read. So so SO many of them. Decided to start with this one. ''Call me by your name''. So turns out I'm not exactly running out of books, I just have a hard time comitting to new stories and rather re - read old ones. Comfort characters and all that...

( André Aciman / Call me by your name / fiction, love, LGBT )

Somewhere in Northern Italy...

The book actually came out in 2007 but in this backwards country it only surfaced now when a part two was written last year and a movie was made. Story is a gay romance and jesus christ thank god because I am so sick of sappy straight people. Really. The book centers on a blossoming romantic relationship between a 17 year old American Italian Elio and a visiting 24 year old American scholar Oliver, sometime in the 1980's Italy. As if the gay love isn't what's perfect, you got the 80's and you got Italy. I love Italy. Fucking hell I MISS Italy. I am telling you I am in my own personal hell. No quick trips and getaways, no Milano. No seaside. At this point I'm wondering what would speed this dying bit by bit a little, because. Torture. And I'm off topic. Again. So the novel chronicles a summer romance. Ever had one of those? No regrets, no strings attached. I wish. I doubt it's possible. People always catch feelings somehow and someone ends up hurt. Yes, personal experience talking. Or better personal regrets talking.

You know what's funny? Elio's mother calls Oliver, the perfect, tan, blonde American ''che muvi star''. I have a blonde friend I jokingly call ''movie star'' as well. He reminds me of a young Brad Pitt, with the long blond hair and pretty crystal blue eyes. Sigh. Brad is like the embodiment of a movie star to me. If you say actor I'll just instantly think of him, well him and Armie Hammer, that gorgeous perfect Hollywood good looks. And Johnny Depp but that's besides the point. If I think of Johnny these days I'll just get angry and start ranting about the huge injustice he's suffering. 

So the book is a story about Oliver and Elio. Elio's parents take a student as a house guest each summer for about six weeks, to help his father with his academic paperwork and revising a book manuscript, which Elio is not too fond of because it only means he has to give up his bedroom for the time being. Now when Oliver shows up as their summer guest he is a stark contrast to Elio who is a complete introvert. Just like me. But he's also smart, nervous, naiive and bold.  And Oliver, carfree and fun. Lives life loud and wild and free. I could use a better half like that to balance me out. Must be nice being like that instead of driving yourself crazy over every little thing. I envy those people really. I also envy Elio's parents for that summer cliffside Italian villa. Italy. Villa. Ocean. I'd give anything for that. Cute story movie version of the villa went for sale some time back for about one million euros. Or maybe some more, not sure. But honey, I'd sell my whole family for that house. Just sayin.

The book is hot. Don't get me wrong. Hot. A coming out story. A story of desire, a love letter. It's a story about love obviously but also adolescent sexual awakening. Things start slow, the boys develop an unlikely friendship, grow apart then come back together, which soon develops into a love affair. I think the love affair just sounds better and more intense and more passionate because of the Italian backdrop. Trust me everything is just better in Italy. The sun. The ocean. The booze (nobody does Aperol like Italians), the food, god the food. And just Italy. The charming, hot, beautiful Italy, with it's nice people, with it's cusine, with it's art history and culture, with it's gorgeous landscapes. God I love it. I love everything about it. There aint no place on this planet like Italy.

As the summer goes on the relationship between Elio and Oliver intensifies. I mean I guess I knew it's a summer romance when I started reading, and I guess I knew it can't possibly end up happily as in the boys riding into the sunset together. Wouldn't that be nice? I guess despite saying earlier I'm fed up with straight sappy love stories I'm still a sucker for happy endings. This year has been a different kind of hell and I could use some sugar in a book world one can so easily get lost in. What I'd say is that it's a bit of a heartbreaker. Well…not exactly an axe to the heart because let's be serious, we all had our hearts broken at some point or another, so this is more of a nail to the heart, or a ship spike. You know those long ancient thick iron spikes? Yeah those. So I guess no more damage can be done. Not really anyways.

I think this book is a testament to what literature at it's finest can do to a reader. The sheer emotional power of the words you're reading. Of the story you're following. There's also relatability with Elio who's telling the story in first person. His thoughts, his fantasies, his worries, doubts, fears. I can't help but think if I were to write such a book and talk about my fantasies, fears and thoughts. Jesus that shit would be illegal in every country and state. Elio imagines before the romance what he would possibly say to Oliver, how he may react, a dozen and one scenario. Yeah that I can relate to, it's a sure fact that things that have little chance of even happening will be running around my mind driving me all kinds of crazy for no reason but the fact that I'm an anxious idiot, who doesn't know how to shut her own mind off. 

I read a comment in which someone said that this book might resound better with people who understand suffering. People who experienced more in life. More as in not necessarily good. And I have to say I agree. I can't imagine the insights and the brilliance of this book working wonders on people that just don't get it. I mean that could be said for any book but in this particular story I meant people that just don't get IT. People who never experienced that kinda passion, pull towards something, people who never risked everything and just lay down their cards, bared their souls, said this is who I am, take it or leave it, I'm yours. Am I making sense anymore?  I don't know maybe the intense emotions, the intense ending, is starting to mess with me. Maybe I'm just dying to feel that, or just anything again. 

''We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything. What a waste.'' 

Brilliant isn't it? And it hits just right. There's a lot of mixed opinions on the book. On the sexual contents, on some questionable explorations of one's body. People saying that if you find their relationship one of love, you've never loved before and if you think that this is a book about loss, you've never lost anything that truly matters to you. I can say I did both and I can still argue these points. Those feelings between them, the passion, exploration with someone you trust, that's what love should be about isn't it? And the loss…it's not just a summer romance that's lost after he leaves, it's the whole lot of ''what if's''. Like, but what if he'd stay. There were also issues with intimacy parts in the book. Them not knowing eachother too well. But what's the problem there? I have a feeling that's coming from people who never experienced just that. Intimacy and passion with a stranger. Like it can't be done. Come on, I think as a society we've progressed enough not to throw dirty glances at one night stands? Wrap it before you tap it and have fun kids kinda thing no? And also intimacy...it's not about sex you know, being with someone, trusting them your thoughts, fears, feelings, dreams, that's real intimacy. Not everything revolves about wham bam thank you ma'am ya know...

Might just be that those judging just didn't get IT. The story, the point, the prose. Gotta say I cried all the way trough those final pages not going to lie, possibly also because they say goodbye in Rome and I'm just really missing Italy so much Yea we're there again. And Rome...something so tragically perfect and heartbreaking about Rome. A city that beautiful, you just can't imagine having your heart broken there, but in a city so ancient, just think, how many hearts have been broken there through history. The longing, the obsession, the passion, the nostalgia, the lyrical way the story flows…I loved everything about this book, despite the critics, despite the ''offensive parts'', despite the things people don't like, or maybe just because of them. It's a sure fact that if general population doesn't like something I'll most likely love it. 

In the end of the day we're all Elio aren't we?

P.S. The movie is quite a bit different than the book, but it's still pretty damn perfect. Saw it before I read the book (*gasp* ultimate sin I know) and I really loved it. Also ''muvi star''? Damn boy! Let's be straightforward right now, if he smiled at me like that...? I'd drop both my panties and on my knees in front of him. What? A girl gotta be blunt about her wishes no? Sweet Jesus. He perfect.