2020, the year that had me wishing we had a storm warning.

I sat down to write up a sum of this year last week. Then decided against it. The year has been insane and god knows what could happen in yet another week of it. Well I was right, while I sit here trying to package a year of crazy into one post, my entire house is shaking. I was already rudely awakened two days ago by an earthquake much stronger than usual, lets face it, Balkans shake all the time, but it's minor 1 or 2 on the Richter scale, these quakes lately are bad, 5 and 6 on the scale. Though the center of these quakes have all been in Croatia, us living rather close to the border, it shook us quite badly. So all my Croatian readers, mainly in Petrinja, Zagreb, Sisak and surroundings, I hope you're staying safe. Reports from Croatia are pretty ugly and I honestly can't believe this keeps happening. 2020 you guys. The longest year of our lives. 2 more days of 2020 and honestly? An apocalypse wouldn't shock me at this point. 

What can we even say about this year? I can only talk for myself. It's been honestly one of the worst years of my life. It's funny that 2019 and 2018 were bad, I mean bad with a capital B, and I was so excited when 2019 ended, I literally celebrated 2019 ending, fully expecting that 2020 is going to be my year. The year I graduate, which now I obviously didn't and the year I finally see My Chemical Romance, whos concert I wished for so many years, and obviously now, I didn't. It was supposed to be the year when I finally return to my favourite place on earth after 11 years (Berlin) and again I didn't. And don't even get me started on all the things that didn't happen this year, all the cancelled concerts, all the events, all the day trips and getaways from this place…

Maybe one should focus on the positive, there haven't been too many but if 2020 taught us anything is that we should count our blessings. This year gave us two of what are easily amongst my favourite albums. One being Kip Moores ''Wild World'' and the other being Springsteens ''Letter to you''. Amazing works of art and already over played in my house if there is such a thing. Speaking of ''Wild world'' there's going to be a deluxe version with added songs like the new single ''Don't go changing'' and that's one thing I'm excited about in the next year. Not much to look forward or to be excited about but this is definatelly one of those things. (Anyone knows if there's a vinyl preorder of some sort for EU already? Also accepting late Xmas presents in the form of this preorder lol).  Another album worth mentioning because it's also amazing, the only issue is that I don't have it (yet) is David Garretts ''Alive – My soundtrack''. It came out a day after my birthday and it's a perfect album (tbh all of his albums are), first because his music taste is just so on point and all the songs chosen for this record are great songs that I also love, and second, his god given talent is just mindblowing. As is his face but lets not go there right now. Lol. Also All time low's ''Wake up, sunshine''? Omg! I love my boys so much and this album is just fantastic, songs ''Clumsy'', ''Monsters'' and ''Basement noise'' are literally on replay daily here.

I can also list my artistic growth as positive. I feel like spending more time inside, basically with nothing to do, running out of books to read and tv shows to watch, I found myself spending more time on each individual drawing and giving more thought into lines, shapes, mostly shading, really made me a better artist. Sure, nowhere near the epic realism that I wish to reach someday but still, little steps towards the right direction is what counts. Specially in a year when each little victory is a victory. 

You can check some of that art here.

Being stuck in my own country more or less forced me for a longer vacation at the seaside which is something I actually wished for for a while now but there was never the right time, and there was always ''so much world'' to see. IDK. What I learned during this pandemic is that despite living amongst idiots, and corrupted politicians (lets face it who doesn't have those?)  I live in a beautiful country that I give far too little credit to. There are few seaside locations that I love as much as our own. Okay…I admit I never been somewhere tropical, and I've never been in California (someday I hope) but as far as Europe goes, it does not get much better. 

As far as positive goes, there's been something I wanted for the longest time which finally came true this year. Venice. That was a very pleasant and unplanned surprise. I didn't plan it, nor even dared to dream about it because lets face it, my plans always go wrong in a normal setting, never mind the hell that is 2020. Venice is something I am most definatelly extremely thankful for. It was even more beautiful than I could ever imagine from pictures and I'm really happy I finally got to see it. Poveglia next? Lol. Lets pretend I am brave enough for that. What is actually next at some point is Verona and Pisa. Can y'all believe I've been all over Italy but not there? Shocking. Obviously I want one of those dumb pictures where you ''lean'' against the tower. 

The no concerts part though, that one will kill me. I mean we all know I love music, obvious from this blog. And festivals, concerts, music events literally are my entire life. I wrote about meaning of music, the ''safe happy place'' on other occassions but this year felt like the rug was pulled out from underneath me in many ways, what I miss most though is that free happy feeling only a concert can give you. A cold beer, couple of friends, concert lights, loud music, no worries. Sigh. I miss that SO BAD.  I shudder thinking how long the wait for that to be back to normal may be. Can't even believe that 2017 / 2018 new years, I was at an amazing concert, with friends and family. Now they are gone as well as the concerts. Sigh. Life is just brutal. And it did not take it easy on me in the past 3 years. 

All in all, people are going to start talking, bragging about their accomplishments in 2020, I just wanted to say, don't feel bad guys, I think surviving 2020 is your biggest accomplishment by far. This year has been 10 years long and all it did is left me mentally and emotionally exhausted. There is not much that I'd wish for more right now than a replay of a crazy new years party with too much vodka and bad tattoos in Berlin years ago but well…you take what you can get right? So it's just going to be me, alone on the couch in a pretty sparkly dress (too pretty to not be seen at a party) and large ammounts of ridiculously expensive champagne. Trying to do both, forget this year even happened and pray to all of the gods that 2021 is not perfect or hell even happy, I just wish for normal. I am not going to wish for impossible, I will just wish for some normality. Please, just…it's been too much of everything.

''Where are you going to be for new years?'' ''Drunk''.

Now to wrap up this post I'm sharing a paragraph from last years new years post. Excuse me while I cry laugh at it…

''Entering a new decade doesn't make me hopeful or energetic, or even positive and goal oriented. All it makes me is anxious. I'm scared of another shitty decade  like the past one was. In most cases it's true life is as you make it and the next decade will be as we make it but there are so many things that are out of our control that effect us directly. I'm going to focus on the good parts and enjoy them because they are rarer than unicorns. And I'm going to spend more time focusing on my art because that's probably the only thing I have left at this point. And of course channelling that one remaining positive cell in my body into a My Chem concert somewhere in Europe.''

Oh silly stupid girl and her dreams right guys? Now before I log off for the rest of the year, I know things are bleek, and there aint one hopeful or positive cell in my body left, but hell I wish you all peace, love and light in 2021. I wish you health and normailty, a life worth living not just surviving. I wish you things you wish, may be it be concerts like I do, may it be a new job,  or just a drink with your friends in a bar down town. I wish you anything and everything that makes you happy. Except you Donald Trump, you're (still) an asshole. I love y'all, here's to 2021, I may be scared shitless of the future but open for nice suprises. As we'd say in Finland may everyday be ''Olla hyvällä tuulella'' which translates to ''being on a good wind'' aka being in a good mood. Lets face it, good mood is all we need. 

Cheers! 

Wasted & wounded

That's how I feel these days wasted and wounded. More wounded than wasted actually. Wounded in a mental state kinda way.  There's only so much one can do to keep busy, distracted and well trying their best not to go crazy in the current state of the world. How's that working for you guys? I gotta admit my facade of sanity is slowly (or actually quickly) crumbling. As we head into yet another (big shocker huh?) week of lockdown, I'm finding it hard not to go absolutely bat shit crazy.

So while I sit here and contemplate life, begging the man upstairs and the man downstairs to let us travel again soon, here's some fun facts about another European country I absolutely love. Here's the deal, Berlin is it for me. No place cooler than Berlin. Also as a country, Italy. Aint nothing better than Italy. If you got the money, if you got the chance to go to Italy and you don't, you're just plain crazy. Italy is as close to heaven as there is on earth. BUT! Another country (and the first one I'm bolting to as soon as lockdowns and all the other bullshit are over) I love, is Finland. There aint nothing quite like Finland either. See Italy is perfect in their ocean, beaches, architecture, culture, history, food, Italians, climate, lakes, nature,…but Finland. God Finland.

Did you know that Finland has the most heavy metal bands in the world? Like when you think of music, I guess we all think of USA and UK first, which is insane because music as such is so much better in Scandinavia. There are literally more than 50 metal bands for every 100 000 people in Finland. Consider that there are about 5 540 000 people living in Finland, now imagine all the bands. Wild. Another thing that one should consider is that Finland is said to be the worlds happiest country. Obviously I need to move asap. Lacking happiness as I am, maybe the happiest country in the world can fix me. A little. Or a lot. The happiness factor depends on life expectancy, freedom of making life choices (all the big ones), economic strength, FREE education even on university level, no corruption, health care taken care of, and most likely just generally them being different more open minded people. Honestly if there's one thing I just can't take is conservative, dumb, hateful people.

Another fun fact which paints you a vivid picture why Finland is literally the country for me is the fact that Finns are the world's biggest coffee drinkers. Which surprised me and also is that a challenge? Because these days I swear I only run on coffee and fake promises of a better time, which means I am literally increasing the average liters of coffee consumed of my entire country. I actually assumed that if not the world, than Europe, biggest drinkers of coffee would be the French or Italians, but no, there go the Finns, probably staying awake all nights, writing metal songs or getting lost in the woods. So in translation that means 12 kg of coffee per person per year. And yet here I am, being called crazy for drinking five plus cups of coffee per day.

Here is another thing that I just LOVE about Finish people. You know me, in some ways this corona crap is actually a gift from god for me, I am enjoying the social distance and people not breathing down my neck in supermarkets…here's the deal, in Finland saying a quick hello and moving on your way when meeting an acquaintance is perfectly okay. Nobody is pushy, nobody is stopping you for a (mostly unwanted) snoopy conversation. I hate that so much here, always the same ''How's work? When are you getting married? How about children? Did you lose weight?'' blah blah blah. It's rude and none of anyone's business. This is probably why Finns are dealing with corona better because they naturally keep their distance from people in public areas. Can I like say god bless them? I mean is there anything more annoying than people literally brushing against you when there's literally meters of space all around that can be used? Ugh. Respect my personal space why don't you?

How about a couple of totally legit sports that exist in Finland? Not joking even a little bit these are real; wife carrying championship, mosquito hunting competition, mobile phone throwing, swamp football, air guitar. It makes me laugh just thinking about it. Like how cool is this? I don't like sports at all but this…this is just badass. Sports I could find myself enjoying besides ''catching guitar picks at concerts''. Fun fact, do you know what's the first prize for the winner of the wife carrying championship? The wife's weight in beer. Lol.

How about them Northern lights? Is there anything, anything more beautiful than them? I mean yeah truth that during winter there are weeks where the sun just doesn't rise and me being me loving the sun, a southern girl, that's rough, but isn't there something so comforting about the dark? And then those beautiful lights that light up the dark sky. Amazing. Opposite to dark days you also got days during the summer when the sun never sets, also called ''midnight sun'' (I see what you did here Meyer) which to me is far worse than dark days. I mean how do you function, how does your brain function when it's midnight and it's bright as day? Crazy.

All my feministic readers you'll dig this ''Finland is the most gender equal country in the world'' or one of at least. Okay, today that might not mean that much, we like to think that Europe is changing and women have more equal rights etc…BUT Finland was actually the first country in the world that gave women the right to vote. Today living in this privilege of never not having a voting right, we don't even see it as a big deal, but they gave women the right to vote in 1906 and that is definatelly a big deal.

But alright lets get back to music, which is after all the point of this post. Heavy metal actually has cultural significance in Finland. If you think about it, metal as a genre of music is completely misunderstood all over the world. People tend to have snarky comments, look down on metal heads, call them names, call the music ''noise'' etc. That's different in Finland. It's actually one of the most popular types of music and it's played on mainstream radio stations. Here we are force fed Pink, Beyonce, Miley Cyrus, Justin Beaver and the closest to metal we get is Bon Jovi's Bed of roses, not even joking. Cute story the cultural significance of heavy metal in Finland was also noted and pointed out by the US president Barack Obama (don't you dare correct me, I don't count psychopatic clowns as presidents) back in 2016 at the Nordic Summit. Take that haters. And my neighbors, and actually parents, and just about everyone that ever sat in my car with me. Sigh.

Surely one of the most significant names of Finish metal we all know are ''Lordi''. They literally made history when winning the Eurovision song contest in May 2006. It doesn't even matter if you watch the event of how you feel about it, the point is that they were both the first Finish band to win and the first hard rock / heavy metal band to win. That was a breath of fresh air that hasn't repeated yet. It drives me nuts, metal and hard rock being over looked like it is, the Grammys? All the dumb looking for talent shows? Why does a pop star / Bieber wannabe / always win? I mean I know why, but WHY? What's funny here though is that Lordi gained some controversy because people interpreted their music as encouraging Satanism. Lol. Someone from here had to do it I'm sure. In fact it's funny because one of their members is actually a very ''up tight'' Christian (why do I hear Ivar Lothbrok spitting ''Christian'' in my head just now?) who writes church music and their song ''The devil is a loser'' is actually against Satanism. Kinda like that bitching over Motley Crue's ''Shout at the devil'' I imagine at the end of album promo Nikki's eyes were permanently stuck in his skull from rolling them at just about every reporter ''listen it's shouting AT the devil NOT with the devil''.

Some other bands that are from Finland that you just have to check out (but probably already know) are; Amorphis, Children of Bodom, Nightwish, Apocalyptica, HIM (obviously one of my fave though no longer together, also first Finnish band to release an album that becomes golden in US), The 69 eyes, Los Bastardos Finlandeses (my fave name haha), and a ton more, though I tend to be more into less known bands. Smaller bands which are every bit as good.

Which brings us to the (long awaited) point of this post. Weekend music recommendation. 

A band from Finland named after a city in California with the prettiest beaches. Santa Cruz. This ''self titled'' album isn't the first one btw, first one was ''Anthems for the Young 'n Restless'' EP with 6 songs back in 2011, then ''Screaming for Adrenaline'' in 2013, after which ''self titled'' came out in 2015, followed by two more albums. My favourite ''Bad blood rising'' in 2017 and ''Katharsis'' in 2019, more on those on another occassion.

This is a solid hard rock band that formed in 2007 inspired by all of the best bands out there, you know GN'R, Skid Row, Def Leppard, Van Halen,…a band which in 2012 landed a worldwide record deal with Spinefarm records. The same Spinefarm that has Airbourne, Anti flag, Black label society, and Rammstein. Though they're not their artist anymore, this I think is still pretty impressive as was their stage pressence at the time. A year later the band signed with TKO agency which gave them the chance of touring in the UK, Germany and Belgium and they got to tour with Skid Row. Oh my god! You guys! Can you imagine growing up with the posters of your heroes on your walls and then you're suddenly one of them, supporting one of the biggest bands on tour. They opened for a lot of other impressive names such as Sebastian Bach, Lemmy and Bon Jovi. Though since then the band went through several lineup changes I can't lie and say that I prefer anyone over the original one (I'm sorry Pav, I love you).

Alright the record starts with ''Bonafide Heroes'' which is one of the coolest album openings in general. It captures that raw early Skid Row sound, the ''youth gone wild'', the rebellion, the anger. I'm always a fan of songs that start slowly and gently then suddenly deliever a punch, even if this kinda ''punch'' might make you throw your car off the road if you listen to it in the car. Hey! Maybe this wanna be safety is why our mainstream radios only play easy rock and pop. The soft subtle choir type begining and the sudden kick into a furious ''noise'' is exactly what makes this a kickass opening. Imagine not knowing a band and this is the first album you get, first impression? Uh I think fuck yes!

Second song ''Velvet Rope'' continiues with the same angry energy and guitars that litreally melt your face off. What's so unique for me in this band is the incredible gift in the guitar playing area. We're so lacking that lately. More bands that sound (and look) like this. There wouldn't be a happier person than me out there if the 80's as they were came back. Men in tight jeans, leather pants, big hair, hair and glam metal. I'd sell my soul to the devil to see that.

Song three is my favourite on this album ''My Remedy''. I love the line ''I need to flee baby set me free''. I guess we all feel that way sometimes, now more than ever. It's actually the lyrics to this entire song that I love (check it out here click me ). This is like a total stadium anthem kinda song for me, warm summer night, drink in one hand, and the crowd singing this chorus back to the band. Yeah, not that I'll see this scenario any time soon. But this is how it feels, that hair raising moment. I mean I love everything about concerts but you gotta admit there aint nothing like the singer going quiet and the crowd picking up the song. It's amazing. Y'all seen the video for ''My Remedy''? Lol I love it.  All the hair! Also how cute is that priest? Lol.

''6 (66) feet under''. Also the number of feet down I'd like to bury certain people. Do you know I had the number 666 on my old car? Like metalic numbers stuck on the back of the trunk. I miss that car all the time tbh. The song! I love it so much the vibe, the lyrics, the melody, another stadium anthem right there. It's an addictive song and honey I'm on a diet of opiates. No joke. I love this song so much. The drums in it? Bitchin! And that guitar solo? Makes your underwear wet not to be explicit but really, it does. So do the vocals tbh. Man, Archie Cruz can sing.

''Bye Bye Babylon'' that line ''I will paint your fantasies to memories'' please do, anytime, anyday, I'm game. This song is less angry but perfect non the less. As the rest it has great lyrics and just perfect guitars and drums and bass and vocals, obviously all of it is perfect. Those high notes too? My god.

''We are the ones to fall'' follows, probably a more known song, amongst fans anyways. And that ''bloody'' video. Brilliant song. Straight from the get go the scream of ''we are the ones to fall'' the hair flipping the whole setting of the song. Hits just right. I'd literally write more about how great this song is but here I am stuck on the music video repeating for the third time because all that pretty hair, even if they end up beating each other up. I mean, I guess all bands have disagreements sometimes….

''Wasted & wounded''  with a music video made in Tavastia in Helsinki. Tavastia is only the coolest rock music club in Helsinki. Or one of the coolest in Europe tbh. I mean it's not a huge concert hall or anything it's a club for what less than 1000 people but guys it has it's charm. In the 70's the club was rented for weekly jazz, rock and disco gigs. And later in the 80's when it got it's legendary status as a rock club (basically the Viper room) there's been bands such as Dead Kennedys, Nick Cave and Hanoi Rocks. It is also one of the oldest European rock music clubs that are still in use. Right point here, Wasted and wounded is a dope song regardless of where the music video was made.

As it goes on with the ''Let them burn'' which has a live music video which gives you a glimpse of the bands great pressence on stage, nevermind who they want to burn. Lol. Song that follows the vibe of the album, the rest of the songs, angry, rebellious, passionate, perfect. Y'all caught that adorable Archies laughter in this song? At this point my sister would be like ''you have a thing about their singer don't you?''. Not at all. Lol. Not even my type. Lol.

''Vagabonds (sing with me)'' can you say no when they ask so nicely? It's a song that definatelly brings fans together. The ''fireeeee''? I died okay. I just love his voice so much. Another fast paced and loud song. Another one that's obviously pure perfection.

The album closes with ''Can you feel the rain'' which actually starts with sound effects of rain, storm, etc. Very ''Riders on the storm'' by the Doors. Who may as well be another influence for this band. If the rest of the album is angry and fast paced this is calm and gentle, while still a rock song. It's more…curious, soft. It picks up a bit towards the end with the just right ammount of power. Beautiful. I'd love a music video of the band playing it the rain, actually I'd like to be stuck in the rain with the singer. No, I don't have a thing for him at all.

You know what? Actually fuck everything I just said, this album is perfect from the first second to the last. Everything fits, the guitars, the drums, the bass lines and those angelic vocals. Their influences shine through so well, you can hear all those bands in their music, but still this fresh sound for newer generations to love and appreciate. And most definatelly they're a band whos sound is something we need more of. Whatever the future holds for the band as a band and individual members, I'm sure it's nothing but bright. With their talent and their sound? Stadiums and number ones no doubt.

I didn't need another version of 2020 to hate but here we are.

It's record release day today! That's right people, Bruce Springsteens ''Letter to you'' comes out today. Well came out today. It's evening here. And though I don't have it yet, (living in a country where tap water and color tv are a bloody miracle) I am beyond excited. Only heard one song and I am completely and totally in love. I know the rest of the record is going to be amazing, though I refuse to listen to it before I hold it in my hands. Internet and streaming completely destroys the pleasure of listening to the record for the first time when you actually get it. I envy everyone in the 80's that had that full effect. Vinyl on, playing an album from start to finish. Fucking amazing. I only listened to the title track ''Letter to you'' and those lyrics you guys, that voice, the emotions which the song is sang in. Holy hell. If the rest of the album is anything like it (and I'm sure it is) it's going to be a fucking masterpiece. Not that he can do a bad album to be honest. Well. I wasn't a big fan of the ''Devils & Dust'' but that's a topic for another day. Make sure you come back for an album review. Soon. To be honest, I already know this, for me, is the only thing that's going to save 2020.

And for now I'll do something I've never done before. I'll write a review on an album I don't actually own. Why? Because I don't plan on buying it, yet I've been asked to share my opinion by a couple of my friends and also readers that are still not fed up with me. Cheers guys, I love you. So here's a few more lines other than just ''I hate it''. Spoiler alert? It's not going to be a nice opinion. It gives me no pleasure to write these lines believe me. It's a band I love, band I always loved, but hell lately? I can't stomach them. Yes we're here again, yes this is about Bon Jovi. Again. And yes I am sobbing over the vinyl I own (Slippery when wet, New Jersey, fucking selftitled album,…), thinking how the fuck did a band that was this good fall this low?

Are y'all following these recent rumors? Richie Sambora actually left because his kid needed him and Jon was a bitch who didn't understand that? Rumors are rumors yes but if there's even a tiny bit of truth in that? That really, really clouds my opinion on the man. And the plagiarism rumors? That would be…a really low hit for a big star. Omg don't even get me started on that recent ''I wish Richie Sambora had his life together'' and that ''inability to put his life together is the reason for ''This house is not for sale'' ''bullshit. Jon you egocentric son of a bitch. Is this some sort of a joke? Does the universe revolve only around you? Like are you trying to be funny? Are you fucking trying to undermine all he accomplished WITHOUT you? Are you trying to make him look like a low class ''has been'' while you're the one who really is turning into a ''has been''? Richie finally looks happy and healthy and more importantly sober. His music still sounds like music, which honestly can't be said for Bon Jovi no more. (Sorry Phil).

It seems to me that people forget that musicians after all are still musicians. And touring 18 plus months must be a nightmare. You know how much ''normal'' life you miss out on? We have this illusion it's all booze, drugs, women and parties, when in reality it's drugs to cope with a pretty lonely existance. It's beyond bizarre to me how come a musician doesn't understand a fellow musician then? Aren't they going through the same struggles? Or hey are your wife and kids that bad that you enjoy being away from them for so long? What? Someone had to ask. Here's the deal Richie knew when it's time to stand back, to take a break, to rethink about his life and career, which is something Bon Jovi should have done years back.

I guess this is on me…I was putting too much faith into this new album, I don't know why, I should know better. ''This house is not for sale'' was already a shitty album. And 2020 being a shitty year, why should an album wearing 2020 as a title be any better? I'm going to borrow a line I read online ''this aint your momma's Bon Jovi'' and it really isn't. Sigh. Long gone are the days of ''New Jersey''. Only thing I can really say is thank fuck that my preorder didn't go through when I wanted the album because that would of been money thrown out the fucking window.

It's not even that much about the voice. Even if all I can say is ''what the fuck is going on Jon?''. Y'all seen the youtube clips right? From the live shows (which I barely remember at this point) It sounds like him, but it doesn't sound like him, I swear I sound better in the shower while waxing my bikini areas. No joke. It's a nightmare. It's hard to listen to. More than my ears it hurts my heart. Seriously. I worry about him, about his voice permanently damaged, about not being able to sing at all at some point. The fuck? Why is everyone sticking their heads in the sand? Why won't someone tell him ''that's it get help''?  have y'all noticed how it all went downhill since Richie left? I'm sorry but like this is not the same band ever since HE walked out. It is what it is. Sometimes it feels like he just stopped trying after Sambora walked out. Stopped trying lyrically wise too. I'm sorry but ''This house is not for sale''? I have a hard time believing that after everything that followed concerning the band. Or am I wrong and the ''house'' aint the band and this was a clever way to tell us he's got a career in realestate? Well fucking get to it then, everything's better than recent music.

As a starter…what the fuck were you thinking calling the album 2020? Seriously. I don't get it. It makes absolutely zero sense. Album was set to be released in May and it was done by then obviously, only Corona held it back untill what 2 or so weeks ago. So during quarantine he wrote two songs that replaced two original songs on the album and thank fuck you guys because these two songs are the only good songs on the record. One about George Floyd, the protests, the black lives movment, a ballad. The other one a ''Corona anthem'' with this country vibe and sound? Perfect. I love everything about it. Music and lyrics, even the voice (when polished on the album) is not so bad. See these two songs, that weren't supposed to be on the album are the only thing that reflect the year 2020 and make the album title have a little sense. The rest? What the fuck?

I listened through the songs on youtube. More like listened to under 30 seconds and pressed skip because it's just hard man. Hard to listen to. Freaking torture. ''American Reckoning'' which is the song about George Floyd and the racist violence in America is a great song. It's actually got this ''Springsteenish vibe'' , kinda reminds me of something you'd hear on Nebraska. It's not too surprising because we all know Jon looks up to him (who doesn't?). The thing is I really like the song, I do, no joke, but it's still, I don't know. It kinda doesn't sound like him, it doesn't sound ''honest''? Maybe that's closest to the emotion I feel. You know when Bon Jovi would write ''Always'' and ''Bed of roses'' and god damn ''I'll be there for you'', we all know they're about his wife, and these are honest, these are beautiful, they're packed with so much emotion, hell you fell in love with his wife too just listening to them and now? While ''American Reckoning'' is beautiful and I'm not going to deny that there are emotions in this song you can hear them, it feels sorta forced to me. Feels like trying to make a statement. Feels like wanting to be a stadium band when you're barely fit to fill up a bar. Am I making sense?  Something is not right. The song with the potential to pull at your heart strings, passes through as background noise.

The thing is that lyrically most of 2020 is great. I read through the lyrics not listen to them because that's just impossible. The lyrics are political, they paint a picture of so many things going on in the past couple of years, not just 2020 (except Limitless, jesus christ how many fucking times can you repeat limitless in one song, feels like a broken record to me at some point), but the problem is you can't listen to it. You just can't. I could just about understand that they went for this ''whiny'' type of music so the lyrics are more prominent ….but like…? No thank you. I can't. All I keep thinking about is the vibe and the feeling this album gives me. You know when Tommy and Gina were young ''living on a prayer'', living on love and life and promise. Everything was okay then and now? This album is the worst ending to that illusion. Tommy and Gina grew up. Their dreams died a painful death and all there's left is pain and sadness and tragedy that this album illustrates. And I'll be damned if I stay around for it. Sometimes holding on to some dreams, some fake illusions is much better. Happier.

Jon when talking about retirement said something along the lines ''no one loved the fat Elvis'', I'd punch his smug face for that. ''Fat'' Elvis could still sing. So this ''mockery''? Ridiculous. You're over there howling like a wounded moose making fun of Elvis? It's time. Time to retire. I'm not stuck in the 80's I'm all about experimenting and growth. I LOVED Springsteens ''Western stars'' that was completely different. But this is not growth, this is not experiment, and it's not trying out different things…this is just…a hot mess. Sometimes you don't go about fixing what doesn't need to be fixed. A good rock album was all that was needed, nobody asked for a wanna be pop rock fake ''uplifting'' bullshit, and in the end it's not uplifting at all but depressing and to be honest, I don't think anyone can handle any more depression in this already fucked up year.

And lastly…y'all are aware that aside from Bon Jovi there's also Jon's solo projects? So giving a Bon Jovi album the cover that he did with 2020…his fucking face like he's Blake Shelton or some shit like that and the band just happens to be there, bystanders, completely forgotten, same with the music video ''Do what you can'', where the hell is the band?…doesn't that speak, no actually doesn't that shout volumes of where his head is at?

Here's the deal Jon was worried about the tone of the album, receiving critisism because it's too political. Listen to me, political is good, the lyrics are good, it's everything else that's shit. I wonder how the rest of the band feels about this music. Not that I will find out, they feel like hired help at this point anyways.

That's that, it's like I said, I don't like it, I can't stomach it, I wont buy it, I won't listen to it. Now excuse me while I play a couple of videos from concerts, especially the one in Milano and cry. First of because I pretty much forgot what a concert is (fukn se na tilnik korona) and second because that thing in Milano, that, THAT was an out of body experience, just thinking about it makes me shiver all over. It's like ''sex is great you guys but have you seen Bon Jovi in Milano?''. It was the best Bon Jovi concert and honestly? I feel blessed that I saw it. I feel blessed that despite never going to a show again (I refuse to) at least this perfect memory remains. A memory in which, life was perfect and so were Bon Jovi.  

P.S. Chances are slim to none, but Jon, should you ever read this, I apologize for the rude words, name calling, swearing but not album opinion and please for the love of everything holy get your shit together because I don't really like a world in which I hate one of my favorite bands.

I know I've dreamed you a sin and a lie, I have my freedom but I don't have much time. Faith has been broken tears must be cried, let's do some living after we die.

Sitting here playing ''Wild horses'' on repeat, I find it so reasuringly sad. I can't explain it, it just stirrs up emotions. Spent this New Years Eve in a way that's not sitting right with me at all. I don't do big parties, people going crazy over the earth making another lap around the sun is just idiotic. But to be fair, I liked it as an excuse to go out, spend time with the friends I don't see much, anything pass the ''drinking wine in bed alone in my PJ's'' is just fine with me. I watched German TV, the live feed of the celebration in Berlin. It made me miss the city like crazy. Is that even possible? To miss a city? I don't even know what I miss. Perhaps the way I felt in Berlin. Happy. Perhaps the city alone, which is amazing as is. Perhaps the people and life I had when I was there last time.

Here's the deal, is it just me or are you guys having trouble processing this new ''decade'' as well? 2020? Wtf? I mean, when someone says 20 years ago I automatically think 1980. Not 2000. That's like…I can't process that. Everyone is out there, counting their blessings and succsess in the past decade and how they were nothing but happy and I feel like throwing up. Firstly I have no idea where did the past ten years go, sometimes I feel like I'm inside a tornado, things just fly by so fast. And secondly, I guess it's hard to keep track of time when things go from bad to worse all the time.

I'm not going to sit here and complain, not everything was bad, some of my memories of the past 10 years are really great. I saw so many of my favourite musicians live in the past decade, my first big stadium show, Bon Jovi in 2011. I saw the man I love most, The Boss, twice, in 2012 and 2016, I saw two of my favourite bands three times each and so many more as well, like Linkin park, I'll be forever grateful to have the chance to see them at least once. And I crossed Rolling stones and Guns N' Roses off my wish list which is a bloody miracle on it's own.

I did some traveling. Well, far too little to be honest, but still, I've spent some time in Vienna on separate occasions and y'all know I love Vienna so much. I've been to Spain for the first time ever, fell in love with Barcelona, I made it to Rome and Pompeii as well which were a dying wish for so long. Spent some more time in Milano which is just enchanting…

There were many other good moments, there was love, good and happy times, they mostly ended badly, but for the time being they were nothing but happy and I quite honestly can't decide between wishing they would never happen because then it would hurt less now and between being happy and grateful for the little things in between even if they are over now.

The problem is that the bad things tend to outweigh the good ones. The last decade or say last two years in particulalr were the most difficult times of my life. I've been through some shit before but I think these recent problems take the cherry on the cake. Losing my father was so difficult in it's own. Anyone that's lost a parent (and especially this young) will understand, that much more because we had so much unfinished business, so much left to do, to talk about,…I guess everyone does. People expecting you to bounce back straight away is even worse, as is not understanding how can it be two years and you still need time to grieve. People need more time sometimes and that's okay, but really, how can you even begin to get over it if you never had the time to even process and heal in the first place.

But perhaps the worse part was losing my entire family after, (they never were much of a family, but still blood is thicker than water they say) due to lawsuits and hatred. You read these things in magazines or hear about them in the news, and you shudder, thinking how awful some people are, but you never can imagine it happening to you. And let me tell you, when it does, it's surreal, it's like watching a movie. Like it's not really happening to you. You become somehow detached, numb, cold, emotionless even. And it's not even what they did to me, it's not that I spent the past two years around lawyers and court, it's what it made me turn into that I hate. I've never in my life been like this. Empty and lacking empathy and mostly full of hoplesness and hatred. I guess that's one of my resolutions for the next decade, to get better, to be better.

''So you been broken and you been hurt, show me somebody who ain't. Yeah I know I ain't nobody's bargain but hell a little touch up and a little paint…

You might need somethin' to hold on to, when all the answers they don't amount to much, somebody that you can just talk to and a little of that human touch.''

Or something along those lines. The fact is that I should still give myself some credit because despite the hell I've been through in the past two years I finished school and I'm just about to graduate and I think that's worth a pat on the back at least.

I learned a lot from this experience as well, people are not to be trusted is one of the most important things. Trust is earned not given and to be fair most people don't deserve it. I also learned, if some people like to burn sage to ''cleanse'' their houses, we should also learn to burn bridges to cut poisonous people out our fucking lives. Sometimes those people are family, but that's just how it is. Probably the most important things to live by in 2020 aren't stupid resolutions ''get skinny, stop drinking, stop smoking'' sorry no, nobody likes a skinny sober bitch anyways. What I think matters more is knowing your worth, not chasing people that aren't worth it. Not begging people to stay with you but rather saving that space for people that matter. Accepting, not just others and yourself but that some things just can't be changed and that stressing over them, will only eat at you. Leaving toxic situations and places, relationships, things, that aren't working out for you and most importantly loving yourself. Positive energy attracts positive energy is what I've been told.

Entering a new decade doesn't make me hopeful or energetic, or even positive and goal oriented. All it makes me is anxious. I'm scared of another shitty decade like the past one was. In most cases it's true life is as you make it and the next decade will be as we make it but there are so many things that are out of our control that effect us directly. I'm going to focus on the good parts and enjoy them because they are rarer than unicorns. And I'm going to spend more time focusing on my art because that's probably the only thing I have left at this point. And of course channelling that one remaining positive cell in my body into a My Chem concert somewhere in Europe.

There's that. I wish you guys all the best in the new decade. All the love, laughter and prosperity. I hope all your dreams come  true and that you find your place under the sun. I may be bitter about my future but all that aside I wish you all, all the happiness except you Donald Trump, you're an asshole.

There's that. Happy New Year loves.