Do you know those ''five stages of grief'' thing? The whole denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance thing? I think that's bullshit as is because when did grief look like a neat stack of Legos? It's a rollercoaster of emotions, the big scary one with loops and deep falls, nothing neat and clean cut about it.But anyways, does anyone know what happens if you're stuck on one of those stages and don't really know how to move on? I always wondered if too much trauma, too much despair, loss, heartbreak, if that can damage you permanently.
I think I never really moved from stage one. Denial. Always waiting for some sort of miracle. I mean, life is life, I don't live in an episode of Supernatural, but…I don't know. Sometimes it's just too hard. This year being as insane as it is, several ''crazy events'' later I found myself texting a certain cell number and all but getting upset over the fact that there's no reply. Of course, how could there be? The person on the other end has been gone for years. It took me a while to realise, and when I did, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know how I could just ''forget''. How does one ''forget''? You probably don't, you just end up missing someone so much that you're hoping for a miracle, for a reply, for something….
I get so angry when people say ''time heals all wounds'' no it doesn't. Time only makes things easier to live with. But it does not heal. It still hurts, it still opens and bleeds from time to time. All time does is make you tougher, and teaches you how to cope better. And I hate the ''things will get better, easier'', they really won't. Things are only getting harder. It's not easier, life goes on, you cross so many milestones, you have things happen to you, you live through somethings as fucked up as 2020 and you don't have the one person (or the few) you really want to share this with. The people who's advice, a hug, love, laughter, you're craving most. Fuck, it does not get easier.
Maybe I'm also stuck on the angry part. Angry over the things that happened, angry at the people I blame, regardless if they're guilty or not, humans work this way, we need something / someone to blame. Angry at myself for not doing something to fix things, to I don't know prevent things, even if they were out of my control. Angry at whoever and whatever I can be because I will never be at the acceptance step. I don't think you can ever accept losing something / someone you loved. How can you accept that? There's always going to be a hole in your heart where they'd be. How can you accept that? How can you be okay with that?!
There's always going to be things you'll wanna tell them, things you'll need advice on, their favourite band will release new music and you'll cry all day because you know they'd love it but they're not here to enjoy it. There's always going to be particularly hard days, days when all you'd need is a hug and that's impossible. There's always going to be long nights, 3 am, unreplied messages and phone calls that remain unanswered. There's days when you sit down at the bar (what is a bar again anyway?) and you order two drinks because well…I don't really know why. Because the pain is just unbearable. Because you're sick of being alone? Because you magically hope the other person will show up?
I don't really know what triggers these feelings, why sometimes it's okay, or at least bearable and sometimes things just spiral out of control. Maybe a song, maybe something, something that triggers the sadness. I was staring at a broken (and pretty badly glued back together) ceramic pumpkin, you know the one you put a little candle inside? Anyways, probably the memory of how it got swept of my desk and smashed into a hundred pieces is what triggered the sadness. No it's not a sexy memory, the desk was swept during a really heated argument, and yes I kept the pieces and put the thing back together, ironically it felt like putting my heart back together. It's not the same, it's not healed, it's just ''functional''
Maybe regret triggers these feelings, when you're younger you never think of certain people not being in your life no more. You think you have ''forever''. You don't think of an ''ending''. I guess the older you get the more you realise just how fragile life really is. Or maybe how fragile happiness is.
I can't actually explain to people why walking down the isle of a supermarket, passing toys and seeing little plastic animals, like horses and such is making me want to cry. It's both ridiculous and completely sane. Maybe that's the balance of getting over something, sanity and insanity and you're somewhere in between. Actually come to think of it, that's probably how the whole world works, hanging in the ballance in between , but lately the scale shifted a bit more into the insanity. Mine did at least.
I'd like to give you some closure, some comfort, say everything will be okay in the end, but I never believed that myself. All I can tell you is that things get easier, you learn to live with the pain, you learn how to push it aside, but it will always be there reminding you what you loved and lost, though hey, maybe that's okay after all, forgetting everything even the good, that seems worse than the pain.
''And when the lights all went out we watched our lives on the screen, I hate the ending myself but it started with an alright scene.''
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