I'm only gonna make it worse, but I don't know how to lift this curse.

I started this blog two years ago and after everything that happened in those two years it seems so far away. I was a completly different person back then. Not better or worse, just different. Life was different. When I closed down the other blog and opened this one this is what I wrote...

''I decided to keep it simple and write about things I love, things that make me happiest. I decided to share my art, my photography, my love for music, traveling, fast cars, Harley's, books, comics, movies, tv shows, shoes, vinyls, Jack Daniels, animals, the country side and all things strange and unusual that don't fit in the society's starndards of ''beauty'' and ''normality''. I just want this to be a positive space, I had enough negativity in my life and I don't need to make it worse, by writing about it and dwelling on it. This is a happy place. Containing all the things I love most. I hope you'll enjoy it or at least learn to appreciate the effort.''

Boy was I naiive. When was everything as easy? When was life ever easy? In the midst of this hell I was thrown into this December, and believe me despite everything in the past this December had to be in the top 3. I hate December did I mention? Most wonderful time of the year? How about no? Either way in the midst of is all I stopped, took a breath and thought about how petty I am being.

Yes life is awful, and I don't think I can take much more, I'm at my breaking point and I feel like I will snap any second. I never imagined that by trying to do something good for myself I will cause myself so much harm. If I'd knew this from the get go I would never do it.

Point is I am being petty, look at all the shit going on around the world, things that still happen that in a modern world shouldn't be happening, all the violence, all the hate, all the bullshit...it feels ridiculous to complain about the things and situations I find myself in. Yet at the end of the day I bottle up the stress, my fears, concerns, frustrations...and I try to survive the day. One day at a time. You know how it goes ''get up, dress up, show up'' and ''keep calm and carry on''. And I ask myself, when the fuck did I stop living and just started surviving instead?

I wonder...how long can I keep doing this for? How long can I keep putting one foot in front of the other, with a fake fucking smile on my face and all the weight, stress, and bullshit tagging along with me.

And the crazy thing is I don't even remember where all of it comes from, how long has it been dragging me down? It feels like forever. It feels like I am addicted to sadness. It feels like if I'm not sad, I am lost, I don't know what to do with myself.

Can I cut ties to everything dragging me down? No idea. How? What if all of it is tied to who I am and suddenly without all this weight I was nothing. Maybe it all has some point, value if you will. No idea. Does all of it have a point at all? Is the fight even worht the prize? No fucking clue.

Maybe all of this crap is what is giving me the compassion and empathy for others because I know what it's like. To love and lose, to be forgotten, to be mistreated, to be hurt, lost, sad, depressed...maybe that's why I can make a connection with others, maybe our paths cross for a reason, maybe people are set on our paths for a certain reason. To change your life, to make it better, to make it different, to steer you off the path you're walking on because it may not be the best thing for you and even you yourself don't know it.

I'm not looking for an anwser, I know nobody knows, neither do I. We all kinda do life as we go along. There's no manual, we let our fears, morals, love, whatever else guide us....

I had no idea where this post will end up, my mind is disoriented and messy. I have every single negative emotion in me right now and I hate it. Things haven't been this bad in a long time and I hate that even more. I guess this time I am completly lost. Not a little bit, but completly. I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go and I don't know how to move on. You know that line in that song ''Did you ever try so hard that your world just fell apart.''? Yeah that...I try and I try but I think I've reached my limit. I can't do it no more.