Dej vrn se k men.

''Don’t panic, no not yet. I know I’m the one you want to forget, cue all the love to leave my heart, it’s time for me to fall apart.

Now you’re gone, but I’ll be okay, your hot whiskey eyes, have fanned the flames, maybe I’ll burn a little brighter tonight let the fire breathe me back to life.

Baby, you were my picket fence I miss missing you now and then, chlorine kissed summer skin I miss missing you now and then. Sometimes before it gets better the darkness gets bigger the person that you’d take a bullet for is behind the trigger. Oh, we’re fading fast, I miss missing you now and then.''

Sometimes people would say that time heals all wounds, no it doesn't. Some wounds hurt too much, some are too hard to heal, some keep opening over and over again. Sometime they say everything is a life lesson. And what's the hardest lesson I had to learn? That life isn't fair? That losing someone you love is so damn hard it feels like it's going to split my heart apart? Maybe that when in doubt just take a small step, because even a hundred small steps are steps in the right direction. And if you don't know what direction you're supposed to go in? Or maybe that life is too short to spend it hating someone or being miserable? Maybe all of the above...

But you know what I hate most? When people say ''what doesn't kill you makes you stronger''. No. What doesn't kill you completly destroys you instead. Maybe someday when you're out of the storm you smile and say you're stronger because you survived but for the time being it's nothing short of hell.

Where am I going with this? Tomorrow it's going to be 3287 days since I last saw my best friend, and it's a day I'd rather not remember but it's fascinating what our brain remembers most vividly. All the awful painful things we could live without. It's been 9 years and I still can't believe it. It feels like yesterday and it hurts like yesterday. I mean yes, the pain is numb now, it doesn't feel like someone's tearing your chest apart anymore but it's still there, it never really goes away.

You're going to think I'm insane but I don't actually want the pain to go away completly because I am terrified that if it does I will forget. I will forget the little things that matter so much to me. Like that one summer night when we were out stalking a boy I liked with my dog and you were singing that song to me ''let me know when you come back to your senses'' saying that for someone so smart I am acting completly insane. Yeah, I know I was, though you had a laugh when he showed up with his dog and how we just like in 101 Dalmations cartoon got tangled in leashes and fell into the fountain. Good times. I can still hear you laugh and I never want to forget it. Or that little ice cream store where the owner always gave free vanilla ice cream to my dog and having our order ready before we even walked in when he saw us coming down the street. Or how about that one song that I hated, and to be honest I still hate it but when it comes on the radio I always turn up the volume and sing along because I feel like you're right here with me.

Ha, I remember how being sick meant staying in bed together eating crackers and watching Casper and Jurassic park probably twice in the same day, I'd tell you to get away from me before you get sick too but you never cared. Or oh god that one insane day in Vienna? Though I admit, that one I rather don't remember. I remember how you were the only one who gave me nothing but 100% support no matter what I did, what I wanted, what I wished. And that meant everything, having someone that believes in you no matter what. Which is why I was brave and bold and never afraid to reach for my dreams. I remember the first time standing on that stage, everyone said I could never do it, everyone said it's stupid a waste of time, that nobody will like us anyways and you had my back from day one ''believe while others are doubting'' remember? You told me in that backstage to ''stop fucking drinking that much you can't pee during the set'' ha ha ha. I remember when I lost a pet and I was so upset and I called you at 3 in the morning and you said ''whoever you are this better be important'' and all I said was ''sorry for waking you up'' and you said ''sit still I'll be right over''. And that was that. I miss that comfort, I miss your hugs, I miss someone that understands me this much.

I remember taking that ''midnight train going anywhere'' what was it 3 in the morning? And we took the first train out going God knows where. We had so much fun and I still can't believe we weren't caught. Our parents would kill us if they knew. I honestly still don't have the balls to tell them and it's been what 12 years? Hah.

It doesn't really feel it's been that long. Nine years? It feels it's been a year maybe. And sometimes it feels like centuries ago, sometimes it's like it's not real, like I'm going to wake up from a bad dream and you'll sit at the end of my bed giggling going ''let me guess Bon Jovi is an amazing kisser in your dreams?''. It's silly I know but sometimes it's nice to dream. Sometimes the memories are something I'm fond of and sometimes it gets too hard to even breathe. The easiest and most cliche way to put it is that a part of me died with you and the rest shattered into sharp tiny pieces and each time I try to put them together I cut myself. Sometimes getting out of bed and moving on and just taking a breath is hard. Sometimes the song that was playing when we kissed would come on the radio and it would be too much to handle.

Jesus Christ, life is not fair, I miss you so much it's driving me insane. I miss talking to you, I miss that person in my life that never judged me, never once called me stupid not even in a joking matter, the person that supported my craziest ideas and lord knows some of them were really insane. I don't want to be unfair to my friends now, they're amazing, I wouldn't be where I am without them, and I love them all, they're so patient and kind but there's just some things that can't be replaced. You can't be replaced. I am who I am today because of two people, one is you and one is Bruce Springsteen. But you were the one that encouraged me to be me to be original, to stand strong behind my beliefs, to never let people influence me or pretend to be something I'm not just to fit in. You inspired me to persue my dreams, my hopes, to keep drawing because one day I'll be amazing at it, to keep playing guitar because even Slash started somewhere. You told me that no matter what I can't let people take that light that I have, something about me that's so amazing, something I sometimes wonder if it was only visible to you...

And, God, I'm so sorry, so so sorry, for not living up to that one and only request you had. You told me that no matter what I can never change and that's exactly what I did and I'm really sorry. I don't know what happened. I got carried away. It's okay to not be okay right? This world is such a dark place sometimes and life is so hard sometimes but still I am really sorry. I don't love you less, I suppose I only love me less. But hey I'm trying, I'm doing things that would make you proud, I know they would.

There's so many things I wish I could tell you, about my life, about Matt getting married?! I can't believe it. I know what you're thinking ''what in the world?!'' ha. And that super cute guy at the bar? You know which one right? Of course you do I never stopped talking about him anyways. I know you'd have a fit over us dating. ''You really are a bikers daughter aren't you Nikki?'' hah. Remember that Kiss vinyl that you once broke by accident? I still don't know what happened but I got a new copy and played it about a hundred times, I know you loved it. This could go on forever, I have a ton to say, but, for now, I'll wipe the tears off my face and put a smile on it instead.

The truth is, I'm not okay and I won't be for a long while but that's okay because sometimes it's okay to not be okay. You can't keep it together every moment of every day and that's normal, you're only human after all. You're trying and that means more then anything. Sometimes I ask myself ''why the hell am I even doing all this, what's the point?'' and then I literally slap myself because I know when the going get's hard that's no reason to give up and I never did, though sometimes I wish I would. Just crawl back to bed, tell the whole world to fuck off and let me be.

I realized that being lost is alright too, ''not all those who wander are lost'' right? I realized that I can be surrounded by people, people I know and like even or people I never met and feel completly alone because honestly there's just one person that I want next to me. And it's okay to feel that way, sometimes life gets messy like this but that's okay. It's okay to miss someone and it doesn't matter if people around you don't understand it. Maybe they never had what you had, a friendship that amazing, a partner that loving, parents that amazing or even a pet that was such a great companion. I envy these people actually, they never lost someone that important to them so they just don't know the pain.

You know I'm not religious but that's the only thing connected to it that I wish, hope, want to believe is real. When people say ''they're in a better place'' that they're right.

I miss you baby, so much, every damn day, and I love you, just as much as I always did, sweet dreams, I'll come see you tomorrow to update you with all the drama in my life right now. I can almost see you roll your eyes at me right now. Ha.

''Sometimes, at night I let it get to me and sometimes, I'm sure it gets to all of us. And last night it had me down, I'm feeling numb. I can try, but sometimes that is not enough. No, sometimes that is not enough.

And stop calling me out, we're never going to put the pieces back together if you won't let me get better. And stop digging it up, or we're never gonna see it all in bloom.''