''
Looking for an anwser, is there sunshine where you are? The way there was when you were here. I’m just sitting in the dark, in disbelief that you’re not here.''
I wanted to write about Halloween today. Share any story from my past Halloweens. I realized that they are all, a bit...too much for this blog. And also, there is something weighing so heavy on my heart and mind that I just can't shut it up.
I've been struggling with Chester leaving us so much. He was my role model, my hero, my sunshine when life got too dark. I found so much of myself in his lyrics. He helped me get through the hardest things in life. When I was in school, the ''weird metal kid'', the ''emo'', the ''goth'', the ''crazy bitch'' whatever else they'd call me, with no friends and all alone on this planet, his songs kept me going. When things in my family were anything but perfect, I'd look for comfort in their music. When life got rough I used to lie awake at night listening to his voice, it was reasuring, it made me feel comforted and safe. It was a feeling I missed so much. I never imagined someday so soon that comfort will be taken from me. I felt like someone pulled the rug from underneath me. I was angry, I was sad, I was hurt, I was broken and I was the lonely little girl all over again. He was struggling with the same things I am, he was fighting the same demons I am, and I always used to say to myself, if he's tough enough to make it, so can you. And in the end he wasn't, and I'm scared that someday I won't be able to fight any longer too.
Where is this coming from? The ''Linkin park and Friends Celebrate Life in Honor of Chester Bennington'' concert happened this Friday. One of the concerts I really really wished I was at. And I was up in the middle of the night, live stream on but as soon as Mike sang ''When life leaves us blind, love keeps us kind'' it was too much. I had to take a deep breath shut it down and leave it for another day. That day was today. I watched the entire clip, about 3 hours long, and let me tell you something it was both, the most beautiful and the most heartbreaking thing I've ever watched. There was so much emotion, so much love, so much positive energy, so much passion and support. Our LP family really is an amazing comunity.
Mike said that when he found out the news he was in complete disbelief, he didn't want to believe anybody or anything. And that's exactly how I felt. I didn't want to believe it. And during that rollercoaster of emotion, just like it helped Mike, music helped me too. He wrote that beautiful song, ''Looking for an anwser'' and...it was amazing is all. At this point I'd like to just say about Mike that he's such an inspiration and so strong and so amazing. I don't even have the right words to say but it's no wonder, strength and courage comes from love and Mike has plenty of it. I wish I could be one of those fans that met them before the show, giving them big hugs, telling them everything will be okay. I wish I could do something to make it better for him, for them. I always had nothing but mad respect for them but seeing them now, opening themselves to us, to vulnerability, to love, to everything else, that made things completly different. I love you guys. We, the fans will always be there for you, stand by you, believe in you and love you. No matter what.
I don't think it hit me full force before, that he's really gone, till right now, the concert, seeing them on stage, preforming without him. Seeing Mike struggle on a couple of songs, on a couple of short speaches...it was hard to watch it, he's gone and nothing will ever be the same again. Numb, One more light, Looking for an anwser, In the end,...those were hard, but I think harder was watching the boys trying to hold back their own emotions and keep it together, I felt for them. Really.
My sadness hits me hard sometimes, it's not all about Chester, it's mostly about things that his passing stirred up and the wounds it re-opened. It's a struggle and it's a battle. It's a distraction and it's like a dark cloud, it left me feeling so hollow and so overwhelmed. What changed though is that this concert helped me a lot. There is hope, there is light and there is so much love. It still hurts and my heart is still broken but the force and love and support this band and the fans have is so strong, it's so reasurring. The concert hurt it's true but it helped so much, we all share the same grief, we're all together in this, our pain is real but yet we're not alone. Chester was amazing, he touched all our lives, regardless if we knew him or not.
Some people ask me how I can feel such heartbreak and so much pain and such sorrow for someone I've never met, ''he's just a celebrity, he didn't even know you exist''. If he could have, he'd met us all with a huge hug. He was so full of love and light and passion and the will to help others. It's so simple really, it's not just a musician we lost, it's not just a dad, a husband, a friend, it's an amazing human being, if only everyone on this planet cared half as much as he did for others, shared his empathy, his love, the world would be a much better place. And on the other hand, ''you didn't even know him'', what a lonely, isolated world would we live in if people would only care about themselves and maybe a few others they know personally.
In England, a little after that attack in Manchester, Chester stood on stage and told us that we can destroy all this shit and all the hate simply with love, by loving the person next to us. He told the fans in that venue to turn around, look at the person standing next to them and tell them they love them, that they're so happy to be there with them. He said music unites us, love unites us, no matter who we are, where we are from, what we love, what we believe. Love leaves us kind right? And that love shouldn't be limited to people close to you. It's something, a ''motto'' if you will that I want to live by.
I'm taking this and life and everything else one step at a time. Nothing changed. I love the band, I love their music, I still listen to it all the time, only now, songs have a deeper, different meaning. But honestly, these days there's no more tears, there's a smile instead and that's mostly because of the amazing LP family, the amazing love and positivity that was left behind, the light he brought to this world simply by being in it. And to be fair, knowing us or not knowing us there's one thing he wouldn't want and that is pain, suffering, heartbreak. Chester would of hated it. He would want us to smile, laugh, celebrate life, lift eachother up just like we've been doing all along in the past few months.
In that spirit, I share the same ideas, same passion, same empathy and willingness to help anyone in need. If there's anything, if you need to talk, if you're having a bad day, if you just need someone to listen, my inbox is always open *
baby_im_a_monster@hotmail.com* don't be afraid to come talk. I will always do my best to offer you some comfort or help if it's in my power to do anything. Don't be scared to reach out, you're not alone.
You know which moment of the show got to me most? Besides Mike's song that is...Numb. Such a powerful, strong, amazing moment. The band playing, spotlight on but there's nobody there. Nobody was singing but then the crowd picked up the song and it only grew louder each second. I thought it was amazing because nobody could do that song justice, nobody could sing it like he does so they gave the ''spotlight'' to the fans instead.
Rest in peace baby, I love you so much, thank you for the music, the love, the kindness, the hope you left behind, thank you for being here when nobody else was. And to my LP family, thank you for understanding what nobody else does, thank you for everything as well, it feels good having a place you belong in. I love you all.
I’ll keep my light strong, for you Chester.
http://musicforrelief.org/
http://chester.linkinpark.com/
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