Life is no bed of roses

Would you believe it if I told you that once upon a time I loved standing in front of the camera not behind it? One of my close friends is a photographer, he taught me a lot of tricks and great tips I know today, but before he ''made it big'' we'd always mess around. Mess around as in he'd put a ton of makeup on me and took a ton of pictures. I miss those days a lot actually. Maybe not so much trying to get tons and tons of white paint and fake blood out of my hair and face but our hanging out being ''young and stupid'' that I do miss.

Fun times when I open the front door once forgetting that my face is covered in fake blood. I think the woman on the other end had a heart attack on the spot. I'd feel bad but she was from the church. You know how allergic I am to those people...

That's not the only thing I miss though, I miss art. I miss going out just to take pictures and I miss drawing. Lately I haven't been good at it at all, in all 8 months I managed to finish up two drawings, one of which you see on the right side and safe to say I didn't feel either were 100% what I can do. I mean don't get me wrong I did my best gave all I got but I feel it's just not it. And it frustrates me. Art, photography is one thing that gave me confidence that I was always able to say that I know I'm good. Now what? When describing me people always say ''artist'' or ''artistic type'', so if I can't even do that, what do I got left? What's left of me? I know inspiration comes and goes, I know THE Hemingway had writers block too, but how long can it last?

So in the spirit of whining in self pity and missing these things I'll share a fun memory with you.

I had the pleasure of drawing a live model just once in my life, not a naked one, just this models face actually and it was that much better because he's a really famous one with a face that was probably carved by angels. Even better to draw because his features are so nice and smooth that the pencil probably could outline them on it's own. Let's keep his name private because this really isn't about him, it's about the experience.

It was a few years back when I found myself in the same restaurant as him, both there with other people, both ditched, both bored. He saw me sketching a church and asked me to sit down next to me. I knew who he was and obviously I enjoyed the attention. He asked me if I could draw something else too, like a face. And I replied with ''yours maybe since it's so pretty''. I should really hold my mouth shut sometimes shouldn't I?

''So you're not religious?'' he asked me, probably thinking I was given that there I am in the middle of Italy, sketching a god damn church and downing down Jack Daniels shots. ''What do you believe in then? Love?''. ''Sometimes''. ''Friendship?''. ''God no''. He smirked and leaned back. ''Sex?''. ''Yes, very much so''. A wolfish grin appeared on his face. It was absolutely stunning I'm telling you. A face carved by the angels. ''Music?''. ''Totally, 365 days of the year.''. Another hot smirk like he knew just what he was doing. But probably he did.

''I thought so, I can imagine that guitar pick around your neck isn't just decoration...what do you play?''. ''My dad's old telecaster''. ''Nice!'' What does he know about guitars? I never asked though, maybe looks are deceiving and he does know things about guitars and music and what not. ''Music is your talent then?''. ''Passion if nothing else''. I don't do bragging, I can't say I'm talented in music. I love it but really...is it talent? It's been a long time since I played last. ''I see, so you're talented in music, you speak a few languages, so that's a talent too, I've seen some of your photography work and I was impressed...don't tell me you have more hidden talents?''. I think the whiskey made me brave because I wasn't holding back on flirting with him at that point. Told him I have two more hidden talents. ''I could show you but...it would end bad...since this talent of mine...involves...activities...''.

Subtle wasn't my middle name back in the day. But the soft blush appearing on his cheeks was adorable. One would imagine that a model can't be thrown for a loop with a few simple innocent words.''And the other?'' he asked me then. ''Really wanna know?'' I remember he was a bit wary but he nodded anyways probably just waiting for another shoe to drop while I just laughed at him and grabbed a fresh sheet of paper and a pencil. ''What are you doing?''. ''Sit down, shut up and look pretty. If anything posing shouldn't be hard for you''. He just smiled but come on what's true is true? And I had a really good excuse to stare at him for more then a few seconds. Back in those times drawing was easy, few quick strokes and the outline of his face and smile was done. I wasn't struggling with it like I do today.

While I was drawing and glancing back from the paper and back to him I noticed he was looking at me too the entire time. But his face, really beautiful. Perfect golden ratio. He was easy to draw. It took me what an hour to draw him out with all the shading and we had a nice conversation while I drew. So after it's done I ask him if he's ready after he said yes I turn the paper over so he can take a look at his own face smiling on the paper.

And this is a proud moment for me because it was the first and only time someone just sat there looking at my drawing, mouth open, eyes wide. Amazed. And that is a moment like no other. I imagine that's how a singer feels when 90 000 people sing their lyrics back to them. I never got the same effect from anyone ever again. ''Amazing''. ''It's nothing, compared to others I'm an amateur''. Shaking his head slowly he looked at me all serious and sincere. ''Never doubt yourself, even the great Mikelangelo started somewhere''. It was cute the way he pronounced Michelangelo. But comparing us? He had to be crazy. I thanked him for it though about 10 times. He gave me so much drive, encouragment and inspiration and will to carry on when I wanted to give up. Which is why I'm typing this down now. I think I needed to be reminded that it's going to be alright and I'll find my ground again. I'll be able to draw again and smile and just live without a ton of baggage pulling me down.

We had lunch together at that hotel that day and when we said goodbye he told me ''By the way, I want that drawing when it's done, so I can brag around with it when you get famous one day''. It still makes me laugh today. But isn't that all that's needed sometimes? Some encouragment? Some compassion, some human to human contact, being nice to eachother? People should do that more often. The world would be a lot nicer then.

Bonus; here's one of the pictures from those ''shootings'' the friend and I used to do. One of my favorite ones actually. ''Stuck in the 80's''. High waisted jeans, shoulder pads, too much lip gloss and eyeshadow, a ton of hairspray and tons of fun.