I wish I could wake up with amnesia, and forget about the stupid little things.

Have you ever been stuck between two options and had no idea what to chose? Which way to go? How do you decide if both ways are wrong? Each for their own reasons. I guess one is the ''right one'' and the other one is the one you should take. If you weren't a selfish self centered asshole, then maybe you'd know what's the right thing to do. Maybe. How do you even know what's right? How do you determine right and wrong? I'm not talking about good and evil here mind you, I'm talking about, loving people that aren't good for you, forgiving people that don't deserve it, people that done nothing but hurt you, taking the high road, swallowing down your pride instead of lashing out at people that would deserve it.

There's so many feelings, so much drama and bullshit keeping me up all nights, driving me half crazy. And the only thing that should make sense, the only thing that should be obvious. Well it's not. It's more complicated then everything else. It's like I said so many times before, love isn't always enough. Sometimes love is just love, it's not magical, it's not a fairytale. It's not a movie, it's just a feeling that instead of lifts you up completly destroys you.

It's hard to believe how this time last year my biggest issue was something so petty as saying ''I don't know which color to paint my nails'' and these days I'm chosing between lawyers, courts, business plans, putting in order paperwork I know nothing about, losing sleep over the pain the family has caused me, wanting to scream, tear, bite and cry as if it would help me any.

I think everything is collapsing again, things are comming down on me again and the thing is I saw it coming really, all the hell I've been through this year, I didn't have time to process, I didn't have time to be sad, I didn't have any time for me, just bills, and worries, and pain, and sadness, and worrying...I feel so broken up inside it's hard to explain. I lost so much in my life, so much of my life, and some things can never be replaced. Things are just things but people can never come back. Or lost time. I feel like most of my teenage and early 20's were ruled by sadness and pain and heartache. Times lost feeling like that can never be back. I guess some wounds just never heal.

I'm having a hard time processing loss, grief, pain, I never had anyone to turn to about it, nobody understands, people say it gets better, it gets easier, but it never really did, it keeps on hurting. And they can't understand because they themselves never were in it, never felt this kind of pain. It sometimes feels like I can't even breathe. It's unbearable.

All I ever wanted was some understanding, a family, but it would appear that some god above or the universe or the world or whatever else had different plans for me. I could never imagine in the craziest dreams that I would be the person people usually write stories about, to be treated like I was treated by so many people, to have so many bad things happen to me. And to be fair I feel so lost and so lonely and so sad and so tired. All I want is for this nightmare to end. To feel something but sadness again. Anything is better then the life I'm living right now but I guess truth to be told, I'm losing hope that it will ever be better.