Wild is the wind

''Wild, wild is the wind that takes me away from you. Cold is the night without your love to see me through. Wild, wild is the wind that blows through my heart tonight that tears us apart, wild is the wind...''

I'm sorry for being ''missing in action'' for so long guys. I've been real busy studying for my finals, one of which didn't go so well in the first place. It's been really difficult and I will honestly thank both god and the devil if I manage to get through at least with a positive grade. I've been having a bit of a tough time lately as is. A lot of difficult decisions to be made. The type that can change your life forever...I'm actually terrified to make the wrong one.

Though you know I actually believe there are no wrong choices, the choices you make are just choices, they don't define you. Sure you might take a wrong turn and get a little lost but isn't that just experience? Isn't that what makes you alive and human? Taking the wrong path and making a couple of mistakes is a part of life. I mean if you take no risks what will you do? Be static in one place, too afraid to live your life? It all makes sense doesn't it? But once you're actually standing on a crossroad trying to decide which way to go, things get a little harder. Following your heart sounds like a smart thing to do, but what do you do when your head and your heart don't see eye to eye. When in your heart you know what's right for you but in your mind it's not?

And what do you do if you get disappointed? If the outcome of the path you've chosen isn't what you were hoping for? Shouldn't that be just emotional evolution? Shouldn't that be something that makes you smarter, wiser, better? I mean I don't think you're doing yourself any favors when you decide against something you want to do because you're afraid of failing. How will you know if you never try? Would you rather spend all your life wondering ''what if'' or ''if only I would...'' doesn't seem like much of a life to me. So you fall down but you need to get back up and never stop fighting. Life like love is a battlefield and at the end of the day failure or disappointment is what gives you opportunity to redefine your life. Makes you more resiliant...

I think what we need to learn from ''bad'' choices is self forgiveness. Chances are nobody is going to be as hard on you as you are on yourself. But you can't always expect to be perfect...to make perfect choices...why not accept the beauty in imperfection and move on? What really is perfect anyways? Do you want perfection? Do you want life without a couple of bumps in the road? Life without challenges and obsticles...it might sound like a good thing but I have a feeling it would get boring pretty quickly.

And if you think about your ability to make a decision...to make one is supposed to be your birth right. Good or bad it's yours and you have the power to make it and the power to change something. How would you feel if those were taken away from you? Powerless? Suffocated? Lost? Traped? Not something I'd want to feel. I rather make mistakes and feel free and independent while doing them then being stuck and lost.

What would good choices feel like without the bad ones? When something goes wrong you learn to enjoy something that goes right that much more. It makes the victory about a million times better. It's just like that saying ''You don't know light without darkness, love without pain and courage without fear''. A couple of wrong turns make the finish line all the more sweeter. I suppose mistakes and a taste of victory after a few wrong turns is what inspires you to move forward, to do better, to be bolder and braver.

Bottom line there are no mistakes, there are no bad decisions, there are no wrong choices. All there is are experiences. Every ''wrong'' or ''bad'' in your life is just a learning opportunity. You decide if you want to learn from it or if you want it to drive you crazy. You are not your decisions, they don't define you as good or bad. If you learn to look at these things from a different perspective you can see them as gifts. Just ask yourself ''what did I learn?'' and listen to your heart, I do actually believe that all of us, deep down in our hearts, we know what's right for us, all we need to do is have courage, be kind, take charge, be brave and take responsibility. This life might not be perfect but it's yours and you decide should it be something you enjoy or something you regret.

All that aside...it doesn't help with my anxiety much, I'll still sit here driving myself half mad, worried, stressed out and paranoied if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm just losing time, it this is the right decision for me...and it doesn't help much that in my heart I know what I have to do. I'm still confused, but I rather try and fail then regret not doing anything for the rest of my life. Sometimes you just got to face your fears no matter how scared you are.

Either way before I drive myself completly insane...here's two of my latest works, and it's funny how all these emotions and stress is showing on my work. My drawings aren't half as good as they used to be and I hate that fact. Now excuse me while I go wrack my brain a little more and write a long list of pro's and con's, and possibly curse all the saints because the fact that I'm a Libra isn't helping in this particular situation...be brave Nikki, be brave, take charge, everything will be alright. Probably.

P.S. This month so far has been the birthday month for so many people I love and admire so Happy *late* birthday to my favorite boys Duff McKagan, Axl Rose, Tom Hiddleston, Vince Neil, Rachel Bolan, Vic Fuentes, The Rev and James Dean, thank you for all the happiness and comfort you give me.

''You need someone to hold you, somebody to be there night and day, someone to kiss your fears away. I just went on pretending, too weak, too proud, too tough to say I couldn't be the one to make your dreams come true, that's why I had to run, though I needed you, baby. Wild, wild is the wind that takes me away from you...''

Wild is the wind - Bon Jovi