Sam moja.

There's a quote in my girl's favorite book, A farewell to arms by Ernest Hemingway, it goes; ''You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering''.

And it's true, I tend to forget that a lot. I focus on my own ''hell'' and forget that somebody I love is going through their own hell as well. There are really no apologies except simply that I'm an asshole who doesn't deserve someone as good as the girl I got. And an even bigger asshole for not telling her that over and over and over again everyday.

It's four in the morning, I can't sleep because these things are keeping me awake. So instead I was standing on the balcony, looking at the city lights, it was so calm and quiet, the most romantic city in the world they call it. And hell, all I'm thinking about is how we should be here together. This entire time I was here, I was jumpy, on egde, in a mood, and nothing helped, not booze, not sleeping, not even Montmartre that I actually love so much. And you know why? Because I'm here alone. It feels so completly wrong that I can't even put it into words. And the problem is everywhere I look all I can think about is ''oh she would of love this'' or ''god this looks just like something she'd do'' and it's bloody torture. It is torture to wake up in the middle of the night, reaching for the person that is supposed to be right next to you and they're a thousand miles away.

And you know it's funny because I used to be completely independent. Literally didn't give a flying fuck, people were just people, I never missed anyone like this before. But I suppose this makes perfect sense. I’ve never had what I have now and every single moment spent apart just feels stupid. It makes me question ''what the fuck are you doing?'' what the hell am I doing here? Alone? When I should be sitting on the couch with her, watching Civil war for the thousand time and listen to her rants about her awful day, let's face it there's been ''a few'' of those lately. Yet I feel like I failed her yet again and quite honestly I hate myself for it.

Responsibility is responsibility, I get it but I'm at a point where I literally want to say fuck everything and everyone and go home and never leave again. Being away is so hard. And I know that sounds extreme and unreasonable, but I just don’t like not being able to fall asleep with her every night. And I don’t like not being able to sit next to her doing nothing or slowing her down from making tea or coffee because I just HAD TO kiss her right that second. She gets so ''mad'' it's adorable. Be happy they said you're home. No I aint home. Not without my better half because honestly she is my home. I'm not home because when I wake up in the middle of the night to get some water nobody sleepily complains about how cold my bare arms are when I come back to bed. And I'm not home because nobody is there to tell me they missed me after a long day of work, I'm not home because nobody wakes me up at three in the morning going ''hey you awake?'' and though any sane person would want to strangle her for that I can't help but smile when I ask her what's up and she goes ''nothing I just need you to know right now that I love you so much''...and I am certainly not home because nobody is there to kiss me goodbye in the morning. The kind of kiss that makes you want to be irresponsible and forget work even exists.

I suppose that is why I was distant, or cold lately, I didn't know how to handle these feelings and didn't want to look like a complete pussy which in the end made me a complete dick anyways. The only truth there is, is that I miss her so much that I fear every little conversation will force me to go straight to the airport and back home. I honestly can't live with myself knowing I'm over here and she's all the way over there, her own ''demons'' keeping her awake at night. Demons I should help her chase away in the first place...

Doll, I'm so sorry, I feel like all I do lately is aplogize for my idiotic behavior, it's not you, it's not any other woman, it's just me being an immature ass who doesn't know how to handle his emotions. Working on that though, might be why I'm baring my soul on your blog for *too* many people to see. The thing that's been driving you so crazy, the choice you can't seem to make. I can't do it for you but I want you to know, whatever you decide I will support you, because that's what I should be doing in the begining, instead of looking at my own selfish agenda's I should put your wishes first. If you feel like this is something you need to do, something you want to do then do it, I'll be here every step of the way. If it gets hard I will help you, you're not alone in this. And if you decide against it that's okay too, no matter what happens we'll be alright just please, think about what you want. Not what your family wants or me or anyone else. But you. You are the only one that matters in this situation. And I am so sorry for not telling you this sooner...

''Sam ti si moja kralica tista, k mi da nasmeh na lica. Čis zares, zalublen do ušes, dvigaš me iz dna, peleš do nebes, nebi te zamenju niti za diamante, pozab druge fante, js mam te, ne dam te.''

P.S. I know you despise Valentine's day, I do too but humor me tomorrow because I've got a little surprise for you.

G.R.