Sometimes I really don't know, is the world around me going crazy or am I going crazy. Has it always been that way and I just never noticed? Is this how life is for everyone, just this fucking hard? Except well, the few fortunate ones…is this all there is to it? I don't know, seems like this global crisis made a lot of things clear and a lot of things worse. Maybe despite everything I've been living in my own ''safe zone'' , not really ''safe'' but, seeing only the things I want to see, and now when I realised people are not what I thought, things are not what I thought…it feels like the world around me is crashing down once again.
Sometimes I find myself thinking ''fuck things are just getting worse''. And they really are. Life is just overwhelmingly difficult sometimes. And it's ridiculous how daydreaming ends up being so mundane. I mean you'd dream about I don't know, a Maybach in front of your house, a date with your favourite star, eating too much pizza and never getting fat, you know what I mean? And here I am, finding myself dreaming of the most mundane things, a tiny place of my own to get away from everyone and everything. A person that loves me for me and has no hidden agenda or plays dumb games. Just love, no pain. Financial security, that allows you to live not just survive. A family…the kind who doesn't yell at you about dirty dishes when all you're thinking about is jumping off the tallest building in town…guess the times we live in…these dreams will actually remain dreams. Life is fucked up guys.
I guess in moments like these, there's little things making it better, easier, less painful. And the one thing that is, the one this post will be about…well even that lately has been tainted…
This is a quick book review. I don't want let myself think about all the bad things surrounding the band lately. To me they will remain my favourite band. The one I grew up with. The one that helped me through so much, heartbreaks, family arguments, people leaving, friends leaving, loss, teenage angst…going back to my private blog, there is so much about them. About just that I mentioned above, about their shows I've been to, about new songs, new videos, about how they made me feel.
There's a post from october 2015, about a video that came out just around that time. It's been a rough week, or a month, or several months, a time that made me think just why the fuck do I bother even trying, when everything I do always goes wrong (question remains, and so do hard times) and just how that little notification of a new video made me snap into full fangirl mode and made life a little easier just for a little bit. It was like, the world melted away for 4 little minutes and everything felt okay.
There's a post, from August 2014. God what a day that was. Awful. Horrible. And if I quote it ''I should probably thank my favourite band for keeping me sane once again, since the world seems to be spiraling out of control they keep my feet on solid ground. The only people in my life that nevevr hurt me and probably never will, I know I sound crazy but I guess…I don't know, in an unhappy world I found my happiness in them.''.
There's a post from July 2013. Just pictures. From some meet and greet. With fans. Cute interactions. Think my heart exploded into a puddle of rainbows and unicorns watching those pics. Always wishing I'd be in the shoes of those fans…never happened. Doesn't seem like it will either, but hell, just my luck.
There's a post from June 2013, Saturday the 8th, a day after their show in Austria. It was my second time seeing them…and the post is hardly a concert review it's more…jumbled words, freaking out, hysterics,…I possibly wrote those posts shedding happy tears, much different than todays post…all the tears today are sad ones. It was a very good day, June 7th. I was nervous. I was completely freaking out. Daydreaming about that meet and greet…yeah if I wasn't worried about passing out right in front of them, like in some god awful cheap movie. I still remember that first moment when the venue goes dark, screaming starts, first note of ''Shut up'' hits and the world disappears. Everything is right. Everything is okay. God I miss this so much. You know how fan girls always have that screeching ''I swear he's looking right at me'' thing? Well at this show, it really happened. I'm not a crazy fangirl it did. One of them locked eyes with me and we stared at eachother smiling for good ten seconds, it got to a point where other fans turned and looked at me. It was a moment. A moment I aint never gonna forget. I remember I wrote that nothing really will top this moment, or this show in the original blog post. And yeah, I've seen so many concerts after, but I guess in a way none of them did top that one. Sure Springsteen, or The Stones, but that can't be compared, of course they're better musicians, but they mean something else to me, they matter on a different level. I lost my voice the next morning due to crying and screaming. Family proclaimed me insane. Not the first or last time to be honest. The blog post ends with ''I know you can't understand these hysteric ramblings, it's a kinda love you have to feel to understand. My boys, my saviours.''. I still feel that way even if these days…it just hurts.
There's a post from March 2013, describing in vivid detail a dream I had involving them. It was cut short by being abruptly woken up by my family. It's been 7 years and I am still mad because of it. Because I never found out how things ended. Where the dream led to. What could have happened. It was only just a dream…but still. It was kinda perfect.
There's a post from Avgust 29th. Confessions how one of them was my first ever crush. True story. I've been ''in love'' with him since I was 11 years old. Which is funny when you think of it, I don't have friends, boyfriends, family even staying in my life as long as this band did. It's a little rant about how music changes lives, changes a part of you, makes you feel, makes you experience life and emotions in a way you didn't know possible. This band made a difference to me, made me appreciate things I never knew matter before, made me love stronger, made me regret less. They made me feel like I'm not all alone in the world. The lyrics, they were lyrics that described some of the emotions I felt better than I could, and that, that meant so much. There's words in this post about how grateful I am for everything they did and keep on doing for me. How grateful and happy I was to have something like them to fall back on to.
There's a post from May 2012 describing a fun family moment. I got home, soaking wet from rain, shedding clothes as I went through the hallway hearing my mother asking if it's me in the house. I remember replying ''no mother it's OJ Simpson'', and walking through the kitchen to get upstairs. It was one of those moments, parents have company over and you find yourself half naked in front of them because nobody informed you. She told me ''I hope you were outside in a little more clothes than that'', while I stand there in front of her friends in zebra printed underwear muttering it's ''David's favourite'' one of her friends asked who David is, she said ''David is Nikki's imaginary husband''. I swear my mother…I know I told her that she has a twisted version of the truth, and that he's not imaginary but just a great husband who doesn't expose me to the paparazzi and the fans. I just loved to drive my mother crazy, she'd be like ''remember that whole ''being normal'' thing we talked about? This would be a damn good time to start using it''. I still think she's delusional if she thinks I will EVER be normal.
There's a post from May 15th 2012 with just one line ''David falls in love easy''. I remember reading that and my heart stopping. Hah. crazy fan girl. There's several ''appreciation'' posts after that one too, just their pictures…
There's about 100 more of these posts, pictures, memories, concerts, song releases, ''love letters''…
But today I don't know where I stand. I don't know how to feel. Nothing really changes, I love them, so much, they mean the world to me, still. But something changed. Everything changed. Life caught up with all of us. And more than the present I fear the future because as dramatic as it may sound. I really don't want to live in a world where they don't exist as a band.
As everything in my life getting this book was a nightmare. I ordered it and it got lost, I never got it. And then it was sold out, or they didn't have it in stock, or this or that. There was always something. My ex boyfriend ended up getting it for me through a friend. I'll be forever grateful to them for that.
I think the first idea of a book was actually a photobook and it was as early as 2005. They had two albums at that point and what I imagine hundreds of pictures documenting their career. I guess every band does. Would be amazing huh, digging through some such archives. Possibly of bands such as GN'R and Stones and all the other rock legends I love so much.
This ''photobook'' took forever. All through the years fans were asking, reporters were asking and it was always in the works, being made, etc. Then early in 2012 they announced it's not going to be a photobook but a real proper book with over 300 pages (it has 304), released in English and in French. What started as a photobook ended up being so much more. A book with the complete written history of the band, written by Kathleen Lavoie, memorabilia, letters from the fans, backstage passes, different merch, gear etc, things that the band kept and used over the ten years of their career.
I read it several times since getting it. Actually read it. Flipped through it admiring the pictures many more times as well. I guess if it's not already obvious from above, I really love this band and I obviously loved every page of this book, start to finish. I made me fall in love with them and their music even more, there were some things in the book that even I didn't know if that's at all possible. It's a really well written story, flows nicely, the pictures are just too beautiful and so many of them were pictures I never saw anywhere before that. The book is honest, it tells the good and the bad. The struggles in the begining and I like that. Honesty.
It's been rough when David left for the first time due to depression. I think I was more scared of him hurting himself than I was of…anything really…and it's really hard now, with whatever the fuck this is that's been happening…I guess, all I really wish at this point is that the book gets a part two in another 13 years and this right now? This is just a bad chapter. A bad moment in time. But a moment. A moment that will pass and happiness and better times will follow. Because fuck. This is the last bit of happiness left in my life and I can't imagine it being taken away as well.
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