Sitting here playing ''Wild horses'' on repeat, I find it
so reasuringly sad. I can't explain it, it just stirrs up emotions. Spent this
New Years Eve in a way that's not sitting right with me at all. I don't do big
parties, people going crazy over the earth making another lap around the sun is
just idiotic. But to be fair, I liked it as an excuse to go out, spend time
with the friends I don't see much, anything pass the ''drinking wine in bed alone
in my PJ's'' is just fine with me. I watched German TV, the live feed of the
celebration in Berlin. It made me miss the city like crazy. Is that even
possible? To miss a city? I don't even know what I miss. Perhaps the way I felt
in Berlin. Happy. Perhaps the city alone, which is amazing as is. Perhaps the
people and life I had when I was there last time.
Here's the deal, is it just me or are you guys having
trouble processing this new ''decade'' as well? 2020? Wtf? I mean, when someone
says 20 years ago I automatically think 1980. Not 2000. That's like…I can't
process that. Everyone is out there, counting their blessings and succsess in
the past decade and how they were nothing but happy and I feel like throwing
up. Firstly I have no idea where did the past ten years go, sometimes I feel
like I'm inside a tornado, things just fly by so fast. And secondly, I guess
it's hard to keep track of time when things go from bad to worse all the time.
I'm not going to sit here and complain, not everything
was bad, some of my memories of the past 10 years are really great. I saw so
many of my favourite musicians live in the past decade, my first big stadium
show, Bon Jovi in 2011. I saw the man I love most, The Boss, twice, in 2012 and
2016, I saw two of my favourite bands three times each and so many more as
well, like Linkin park, I'll be forever grateful to have the chance to see them
at least once. And I crossed Rolling stones and Guns N' Roses off my wish list
which is a bloody miracle on it's own.
I did some traveling. Well, far too little to be honest,
but still, I've spent some time in Vienna on separate occasions and y'all know
I love Vienna so much. I've been to Spain for the first time ever, fell in love
with Barcelona, I made it to Rome and Pompeii as well which were a dying wish
for so long. Spent some more time in Milano which is just enchanting…
There were many other good moments, there was love, good
and happy times, they mostly ended badly, but for the time being they were
nothing but happy and I quite honestly can't decide between wishing they would never
happen because then it would hurt less now and between being happy and grateful
for the little things in between even if they are over now.
The problem is that the bad things tend to outweigh the
good ones. The last decade or say last two years in particulalr were the most difficult
times of my life. I've been through some shit before but I think these recent
problems take the cherry on the cake. Losing my father was so difficult in it's
own. Anyone that's lost a parent (and especially this young) will understand,
that much more because we had so much unfinished business, so much left to do,
to talk about,…I guess everyone does. People expecting you to bounce back
straight away is even worse, as is not understanding how can it be two years
and you still need time to grieve. People need more time sometimes and that's
okay, but really, how can you even begin to get over it if you never had the
time to even process and heal in the first place.
But perhaps the worse part was losing my entire family
after, (they never were much of a family, but still blood is thicker than water
they say) due to lawsuits and hatred. You read these things in magazines or
hear about them in the news, and you shudder, thinking how awful some people
are, but you never can imagine it happening to you. And let me tell you, when
it does, it's surreal, it's like watching a movie. Like it's not really
happening to you. You become somehow detached, numb, cold, emotionless even. And
it's not even what they did to me, it's not that I spent the past two years
around lawyers and court, it's what it made me turn into that I hate. I've
never in my life been like this. Empty and lacking empathy and mostly full of
hoplesness and hatred. I guess that's one of my resolutions for the next
decade, to get better, to be better.
''So you been broken and you been hurt, show me somebody
who ain't. Yeah I know I ain't nobody's bargain but hell a little touch up and
a little paint…
You might need somethin' to hold on to, when all the
answers they don't amount to much, somebody that you can just talk to and a
little of that human touch.''
Or something along those lines. The fact is that I should
still give myself some credit because despite the hell I've been through in the
past two years I finished school and I'm just about to graduate and I think
that's worth a pat on the back at least.
I learned a lot from this experience as well, people are
not to be trusted is one of the most important things. Trust is earned not
given and to be fair most people don't deserve it. I also learned, if some
people like to burn sage to ''cleanse'' their houses, we should also learn to
burn bridges to cut poisonous people out our fucking lives. Sometimes those
people are family, but that's just how it is. Probably the most important
things to live by in 2020 aren't stupid resolutions ''get skinny, stop
drinking, stop smoking'' sorry no, nobody likes a skinny sober bitch anyways. What
I think matters more is knowing your worth, not chasing people that aren't
worth it. Not begging people to stay with you but rather saving that space for
people that matter. Accepting, not just others and yourself but that some
things just can't be changed and that stressing over them, will only eat at
you. Leaving toxic situations and places, relationships, things, that aren't
working out for you and most importantly loving yourself. Positive energy
attracts positive energy is what I've been told.
Entering a new decade doesn't make me hopeful or
energetic, or even positive and goal oriented. All it makes me is anxious. I'm
scared of another shitty decade like the past one was. In most cases it's true
life is as you make it and the next decade will be as we make it but there are
so many things that are out of our control that effect us directly. I'm going
to focus on the good parts and enjoy them because they are rarer than unicorns.
And I'm going to spend more time focusing on my art because that's probably the
only thing I have left at this point. And of course channelling that one
remaining positive cell in my body into a My Chem concert somewhere in Europe.
There's that. I wish you guys all the best in the new
decade. All the love, laughter and prosperity. I hope all your
dreams come true and that you find your
place under the sun. I may be bitter about my future but all that aside I wish
you all, all the happiness except you Donald Trump, you're an asshole.
There's that. Happy New Year loves.
