''Ta zelena dežela me prevzame, ko vozim po cesti do Ljubljane, tukaj imam ljubezen, tukaj sem doma.''
Also leute, hunde, katze whoever the fuck else reads my blog. I was going to post a quick three or four sentences long post today regarding a topic that really pisses me off, but I decided against it. There are far more pressing matters happening for me to whine about yet another thing driving me crazy. Lets put it this way the world drives me crazy and be done with it.
I've been complaining a lot, I've been letting the world bring me down far too much and I think it's been enough. Basta! Bad days are okay and allowed, we're all only human after all, but all this? This is not okay. This is exactly what people in positions of power want. Mental breakdowns, separation, hostility, a ''civil war'' of sorts. When you're on your own you're far less of a threath than you are as a united nation. I don't dream that we as people will ever come to a point where we'll put our differences aside and realize we're all in the same boat, might as well row the same way. Listen this wet dream came and went, even I can't put my differences aside so I get it, (though for something important I would of done it). It would be nice but I fear impossible.
My dad always said that people in positions of power only seem tall because you're looking at them on your knees, stand up and you'll see how the view changes. Here's the deal they did what they did in the past year to people that allowed it. They cleaned up the sheep but the wolves remain. This is something my dad also taught me, I've always been a wolf and I always will be a wolf. Both a loner and a fighter. And we'll bite, claw, growl and howl untill we either win or die. It would never not even for a second cross my mind to give in. To roll over and die. There is no power great enough to make me go against my beliefs just as there is no power and no man I'd go on my knees for, except Henry Cavill but that's in a different type scenario (Henry if you're reading, drop me a message ;) ).
I tend to forget the long line of strong women I come from. I have this jeans vest with my greatgrandmothers medal pinned to it. I never met her, she died way before my time but I wish I knew her. She was an extraordinary woman. This medal (and one of many she received) was awarded to her for merits gained in the fight against the enemy forces for the liberation of the country and for contribution to the building and development of a self governing socialist society. My greatgrandmother was badass, she did not take shit from nobody. She started her own business, dealt with that all while raising three kids on her own and when the war broke out she had her own spy headquarters in her own house, right under everyone's noses. All the most important names and biggest war heros passed through her doors many times during that time, people whos pictures are in museums today, people who streets in this town are named after. Of course she was ratted out, and of course she was ratted out by her family because family seems to be the worst affliction there is. And of course they all paid for it, one of them war heros that was in the house at the time, shot in the head in my grandfathers bed, and my greatgrandmother and her kids shipped off to Auschwitz. She never made it out alive.
But here's the point, she knew what's on the line, she knew what she's risking, she knew of the punishment that can follow, and she did it anyways. She fought for what she believed in. She was a wolf, she fought teeth and nail, she fought till death. And I can't but think what a god damn disappointment I would be to her if I caved now. If I was a scared little bitch. No, not me. Not today, Satan. I'm not saying it's not tough. It is. So fucking tough, and I wanted to give up many times, but I didn't, I pressed on. Through all the fucking heartache and pain. I'm still standing and I'm still fighting.
And someday I wont be embarrassed to look into my kids eyes (furry or non furry) because I wasn't a coward, because I wasn't scared, because I didn't break down, because I fought for what I believe is right. And I know I'm not alone. They want to make me feel alone, they want to make all of us feel alone because as I said above, you alone is no threath, but all of us together? Shit you guys, cities could burn down.
I hate having my hands tied. I hate feeling helpless. I hate being angry at the world for not being able to change anything, to make it better. I hate how talking to people feels like howling at the moon. They hear nothing, they understand nothing. I hate this state of despair and darkness. I hate this heaviness that you can literally feel in the air, it's suffocating. I absolutely hate it. It's depressing, it's thick, it's overbaring…but I need to believe it will lift. I need to believe better times are coming. I need to believe we can be free once again, else I really could lie down and wait for death.
I know all this is rich coming from me. I'm gloomy at best on most days. So what happened? I was driving last week, listening to only local musicians, those few I like anyways, the road was rather packed so we were stopping every few miles. Normally it would piss me the fuck off but this time…I enjoyed it. All the green scenery, the mountains, the trees, rivers, animals, sunset…it was beautiful. It made me realize how much I love my home. It's the politics I hate, it's the state of the country I hate, it's the people I hate. It's the hate itself I hate, but I never hated the country itself. It's absolutely gorgeous just the foundations are rotten. But the thing is, if I ever want this place to be all it could be, the wolves have to fight, have to bite, to take back what's ours. To clear out the rotten foundations and plant new ones. Don't ask me how. I have no magical solution. Brick by brick I suppose till all the sickness is irradicated. Change is scary but there must be a change. A change for the better.
Now, because it wont let me sleep, the short post that I was supposed to post today;
''All you're getting today is a short write up because I'm annoyed and angry and about ten fucking thousand of other emotions swirling up inside me that I can't even name in English langauge. I talked to someone who asked me what I'm doing in life as in career wise. I told him I'm an artist. Because essentially that word sums me up best, even if there are more things I can do, but what I am is an artist. And said person asked me ''is that all?''. There are hardly words to explain how that fucking sets me off. Listen to me and listen to me good, it's not ''just'' an artist, it's not ''is that all''. An artist is an artist and that should be enough. It's never going to be okay that I can't ''just'' be what I want to be, and it's never going to be okay that I can't make it as a living and as a career. The fact that I can't do what I love and what I'm good at is enraging to me and the fact that people say ''you're just an artist'' in a degrading tone is just completely insulting. To end the ranting, here's my latest work. It's JUST a drawing from JUST an artist that spent JUST 60 hours of her life perfecting it. JUST.''
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