Day 627 on the alien planet. Zero updates at this point. Life is hell.
I dreamt I was lost in the streets of Helsinki with you again. It was night time, the sky gray and gloomy, clouds leaking cold rain, your hand in mine…there is no place I'd rather be.
I have a love hate relationship with the rain. There's nothing quite like sweet kisses in the rain, the sounds and feeling of rain drops on your face, gentle kisses, soft sighs, hearts beating faster and faster, fingers running through your wet hair, the smell of wind, rain, earth all around you, the overwhelming calm in such a moment. Or the pouring rain in the morning where you lay in your lovers arms, knowing you have nowhere to be and you just snuggle closer, feeling the warmth and happiness in someone's arms. Or maybe when it's three in the morning like it is now, when you're watching a thunderstorm outside in the distance, drinking your hot coffee, enjoying the silence. I'd entertain this idea of thunderstorms and a gothic castle, candles lit all over, pretty ball gowns, a tragic love letter with ink smeared with tears…sigh. But right now rain seems to be adding to my misery. I feel like it's not just the clouds that are pouring rain but also my soul. I feel like as soon as August turns to September and days get colder, and darker, and gloomier, so do I. Nothing is alright no more.
Ughhhhh. I keep saying it's been a bad week but Jesus Christ I think this one took first prize for the worst week ever. I don't know why I keep saying things can not get any worse because all that brings is things getting in fact much worse. I don't know what parallel world or twilight zone I found myself stuck in but everything happening lately just reached another level of fucking madness.
You know a friend of mine that I miss daily ( to a point where I give myself a panic attack, brilliant aint it? ) once told me that I need to beware of chasing a fake idea of happiness. He told me that the idea that happiness is in another place, another country, town, or in another job, or with a new partner even is utter bullshit. He told me that until I give up the idea that happiness is in another place or in another person I will never be nor happy nor where I want to be in life. Maybe I didn't quite understand it then but I do now when I feel like I'm chasing an illusion, always thinking or better hoping that the next thing will make me happy and it never does. Little did I know that one of the few things that did make me happy was him. All the dumb little things we used to do that seemed so meaningless at the time but now mean the world. There are no words for how I'd kill to be bored lying on some backstage sofa with him again and his ''shut up I'm trying to sleep''. Sigh. You really never know what you got until it's taken from you.
It's been a tough fucking year that's all I'm saying. I never managed to really put myself back together after a tough couple of years and then 2020 and 2021 happened. And don't think I processed them yet beause honestly, mentally I'm still stuck in 2019.
How can something missing in your life hurt this much is beyond me. How can emotional pain feel like you're having a heart attack? It's crazy. And the dumbest thing is that I'm not even dreaming of money, or luxury, or fame, or whatever else basic white girl drinking rose's wet dream is. Nah. Here I am lost in a daydream of a completely isolated day, just me and him, waking up to warm morning light on our faces and not remembering anything, no pain, no hurt, not one of them saddest nights. I am lost in a daydream where I kiss his sunkissed forehead and smile because there's nothing more beautiful than his face somewhere between sleepiness and blissfulness. I daydream of those little moments where he stands behind me and hugs me while I make him his coffee just the way he likes it and he's humming along to Aerosmith playing on my iPod.
''Lying close to you, feeling your heart beating and I'm wondering what you're dreaming, wondering if it's me you're seeing. Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together and I just want to stay with you in this moment forever. Forever and ever.''
So much of daydreams. Nothing kinky, nothing wild, nothing crazy. Just the only comfort and only home I know. Maybe this is another problem. Everything I know about life, love, everything really, I know from books. And books lie. They make things prettier than they really are. They make love feel like magic, they make happy endings real. People don't usually die, they're not gone, they don't break your heart and in the end everything falls into place. At least that's how it is in books I read. Might be another mistake on my part. Only reading books with happy endings. There aren't any in real life are there?
Don't ask me where I'm going with this. Just rambling I suppose. As usual. Not making any sense, maybe just letting things out. Or trying to put my crazy mind in order. Imagine a computer with 30 tabs open, one playing music, one talking, and all of them freezing and shutting down. That's how my mind feels most days. Maybe that's why these posts are all over the place. I can probably switch from one topic and emotion to another in 0.32 seconds. Just like I can go from being nice to being a bitch in about the same ammount of time.
I've been missing so many ''little things'' lately. Being bored with my best friend, lazy mornings and making coffee to my ''the one''. Things my dad and I used to do together all the time, building tiny ranches and houses with chopped hedges and little plastic animals. I've been thinking of that one really happy memory, when we got our first dog and we camped outside in a tent so the dog wouldn't sleep alone outside for the first night. I miss ''our dinners''. Of course everyone can follow the recipe and do the same thing but it's never quite the same is it. I miss them long nights and starry skies above. I miss our old house. I just miss my old life I think, my biggest problem was finding something clean to wear, well that still is a problem but far from the only or biggest one.
It's funny how we're all in a hurry to grow up to move on from the place we're at, not knowing how badly we'll want those days back and how those were the happiest memories we got later in life. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll put on some soft music and try to get my clothes in order, which is more than I can say about my life. Putting all my shorts away and endless ammounts of jackets and sweaters in their place always makes me miserable and since it already is a miserable night…why not.
I guess I'm just looking for any kind of distraction. Distraction from the pain and the suffering and the situation at hand. I'm trying to block all the ''light'' all the hurt out. It's not as easy is it? Light will find a way just like life will. I know we'll never go truly back to ''normal'' and I despise the words ''new normal''. Nothing really is normal no more, but maybe…just maybe you're reading this in the far future, and ''this'' the situation is over. And maybe you're living your ''normal'' and maybe I'm living it with you. How I wish that were the case…
In the mean time, enjoy the weekend you guys, dance naked in the rain if you feel like it, there's not much more to look forward to in life.
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