It's Monday night and I can officially say I am done with this week. With this world. With this life. These really are the days where I wonder if I'm going crazy or the entire world around me is insane. It's probably this place though, this place that's making me want to jump out of my skin, or scream, or burn the entire fucking town down and dance on it's ashes. Preferably naked.
I can't stop thinking about that graffiti down town, about dreams and life and how meaningless it all is. ''I have no more dreams, you cannot kill me''. I can't but think about it the same way. What dreams do I still have? What do I even want anymore? From the world, from life? And you know what's the scariest part? Nothing at all. I don't have goals, wishes, dreams, desires, motivation. There's absolutely nothing that I want to be doing. There's no passion, no drive, no dream. I need to beg myself to just get up in the morning. I need to plead myself to try and read, to try and draw, to try and edit a picture, try and take a short walk in the sunshine…things I used to enjoy so much. They are just meaningless.
I wonder why all my plants are dead then I remember that at some point I just stopped watering them, stopped caring about them, like I did about myself a long fucking time ago tbh. I'd not be surprised if the sorry state of my hands would be leaving bloody patterns all over my keyboard just now. At some point I start wondering why I feel so horrible and I remember I just stopped taking my medication, because I forgot, because I didn't care, because it doesn't really matter, I just stopped caring about getting better. And like I did about everything I loved. At some point the sorry state of my bedroom with clothes and vinyl tossed about is just pathetic. Truth is I'm just tired. I'm hiding behind a ridiculous ''I'm okay'' but truth is I'm not and I haven't been okay since I was like 13. So tired of this crazy world, so tired of failure, so tired of being hurt and lost and being sad all the time. I'm so tired of lies, people pretending to care, people walking out, people using people, people hurting people. I'm so tired of all the insecurities, I'm so tired of feeling like this all the time. So tired of living tbh.
People call you brave because you got through a storm, brave because you pulled through some serious shit in your life. Brave because you came out stronger. But nobody ever sees the mess this shit storm caused you. Nobody can see just how damaged you are. People say a certain break up saves you. Friends walking out are just people you don't need in your life. Family being as toxic as one can be just makes you stronger…what if after all this you just have no strength left to fight?
What if that someday in the quote ''you will get better, not today, but someday'' never actually comes? What if all your life you're not only miserable but constantly spinning around three things; ''am I the problem?'', ''is something wrong with me?'', ''will I ever be enough?''. A couple more questions people just don't understand. No wonder. And unrelated but still, people are silent because they're too comfortable in their own pathetic mediocre lives and too scared to have anything taken from them. Maybe that's also part of my misery, that I can't settle for something uninspiring in life. Maybe it's that I need life and adventure and romance. And happiness. Not the fake ''I'm okay'' one. But actual happiness. Whatever that feels like.
And maybe it's my sadistic nature, and my sadistic brain that makes me go over and over and over things that hurt me. Memories that hurt. Pictures that hurt. Sometimes I wonder what's the matter with me, why can't I let it go. Why do I enjoy hurting myself? Maybe because I feel like I deserve it. Maybe because I can't break free, because pain is all I know, all I known my entire life. Maybe I don't even know how to be happy, or wouldn't understand it if I was. I'd be the dumb idiot thinking she's having some type of cardiac arrest if I ever felt an ounce of happiness.
Few years back a friend asked me if I can explain to him what is it that I'm scared of. If I can actually list some fears. He was trying to make me see that most are irrational. Yes thank you I know anxiety is dumb, I know things I'm afraid of are things I really shouldn't be afraid of but here we are. At this point depression is just stupid, it's like ''oh we feel like dying today? You sound stupid, get it together bitch''. A snipped of me having a conversation with myself. I know it's stupid. I know it's ridiculous. I know fear is pointless and yet here we are. But that aside, the funny part is that all the rational fears, the ones based on things you can feel and touch, well they all came true. And I keep thinking where did I take that wrong turn to get my life to a point THIS fucking fucked up.
My brain literally hurts from inability to explain what's going on upstairs, to make things better, to move to a different point in life. To move at all. It's so hard, it's like, wanting company but at the same time wanting to be alone forever. It's like wanting to talk to someone, explain, be heard and understood and at the same time not wanting to be a burden and not knowing what to say in the first place. It's like desperately trying to understand all the emotions, and pain, and heaving chest, and at the same time it's too all consuming, choking, drowning…it's like understanding you need help and wanting to reach out and get it and understanding it's for your own good but at the same time keeping it all inside because you're afraid your own pain might cause pain to others and all it really comes out is ''I'm sorry'' or ''I'm okay''. Everything hurts when you wake up tired all the time, no ammount of sleep would help with this kinda tired so you just don't sleep at all but rather pace around and let your mind come up with scenarios so crazy they could never be true, but you know, your mind is the most dangerous weapon.
Here's one thing my daddy taught me ''don't ask people how they're doing, if you're not going to be there when they tell you they're not okay''. It's been a constant reminder these days. Empty gestures, people saying they're there when you need them, but they really aren't. Just because your world has stopped and crashed theirs wont. And that's alright. It shouldn't but pretending you'll be around, pretending that someone's pain in any way, shape or form affects you when it really doesn't, when you go on with your life like nothing happened…that's not alright. I couldn't care less but this ties up to the part about people walking out of your life. When I'm just lying in the middle of the room, wanting to all but slit open my wrists and talking to someone, and that someone tells me ''that's horrible, I feel so bad, but I have to go (enter something stupid here like ''shave my ass'') '' that is an eye opener. People don't care. And in moments like that I'm glad to be distancing myself from most people anyways.
Another smart thing daddy taught me. He told me that if I don't love myself I will never know how to love someone else. Well, I'm calling you bluff on that dad because I have never loved myself but a few other people? My god. I loved them so much I forgot what hating myself feels like. Maybe that was the point though? You never said but maybe…maybe like one of your songs says love can in fact cure hatred. I don't know though, and I don't know if I'll ever know, I think there's no space in my mind or heart left for love. Only heartbreak and pain and missing, missing so much it makes you sick.
Maybe at this point I'm no longer trying because I don't really want to be cured. I don't want to be saved. Maybe I don't want the darkness to go away because at the end of the day, after all these years, darkness is all I know.
No comments:
Post a Comment