I used to rant on and on and fucking on about ''post concert depression'' but I never imagined I'd come to ''no concert depression''. Oh my god you guys I am dying bit by fucking bit. It's like someone is slowly shutting the car door on my soul. It's hell. Pure and simple torture. There's absolutely nothing worse you can do to me. I was just watching a concert video. I don't know why I do that, I guess this should be called utterly sadistic or excersizing some form of animal torture. I watched till I made myself sick with missing, yearning, longing, dying…there are no words to describe how much I miss tiny, dark, sweaty venues. How I miss people rubbing and grinding over each other and sweating all over each other. How I miss the whole ''spit and sweat'' in the front row. How much I miss strangers passing water to each other that the band threw off stage, people, strangers literally sharing a water bottle. How much I miss the freedom. The love you feel in such a place.
Sigh…
The concert video…the song ''This is where I belong''. I made myself sick with longing of the belonging (maybe this sadness makes me a poet yet). I never felt like I belong. Anywhere. School. Work. Family. Friends. I don't fit in anywhere but a venue on a Friday night. The smoke. The lights. The music. The people. My people. I'm dying without this feeling. Freedom. Music. Love. At least an animal that suffers is put down. What the fuck should I do?
You truly never know what you have until it's gone. I never took it for granted you know. My music. My concerts. My only real love in my life. But I also never thought there will be a day where I won't have it. I never imagined that listening to music will make me sick instead of happy. I didn't imagine watching a concert video will feel like being repeatedly stabbed in the heart. I never imagined it can hurt this much because I never knew how at the end of the day I'm so lonely and lost and drifting and the only sense, comfort, reason, true love in my life is music. And it's gone now. And I'm lost. More than I ever was in my life. Nothing makes sense no more. At all. I posted a story last year, hoping that 2021 will be better (optimistic bitch) and a poster of a Steel Panther concert announcement, saying if someone or something fucks it up for me I will murder half the town. I wonder why the town is still breathing at this point…
I guess some optimism remains in me yet because I didn't return the Steel Panther tickets, keeping them for the new announced date, and I bought tickets for Guns N' Roses and Aerosmith. GN'R are my babies as is and Aerosmith are a wish I haven't got to check off just yet. The worst part though might be the fact that I feel no excitment and no happiness, I'm actually thinking about what to do with the money when the tickets will be returned and what to do with the heart break and disappointment. I am absolutely broken tbh. Holding concert tickets for my favourite bands used to make me cry with happiness, now it's just…I don't know. I don't know how to describe the feeling but it sure as hell isn't happy.
I won't even add all other pain on top of this. I listened to a new song by a band I really love and the lyrics in said song ''All I want is to feel your love break through, every piece of my heart belongs to you'' killed me. Literally killed me. Literally sobbing in your dark room for an hour because you're feeling too much at nothing at once kinda killed me. Sigh. Sometimes everything is just too much. Absolutely too much and no art, no music, no nothing you used to love helps. Everything is just pain pain pain. I just want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop crying over washing an old pair of jeans and finding guitar picks in the washer when taking them out. Picks that belonged either to my ex or my dad. It's ridiculous how memories just rush in and there's nothing you can do but feel the air knocked out from you and the hurt and the anger and the sadness. Ugh. I fucking hate it.
I realised just how low I've fallen lately when I don't even keep up with things I was so looking forward to. Like Marvel shows. Loki. Haven't seen a single episode and I used to shriek when it was announced. Sigh. Maybe the fact that I just don't care is the worst. But well I managed something else that I thought just last week was impossible. I picked up one of my million brand new books and actually read it. Yes. Shocking. I'm aware.
I actually think that book buying and book reading should be two completely separated hobbies. Literally. I seem to enjoy buying books more than I do reading them lately. Might be another aspect of my misery but still. I just love new crisp perfect books and I buy way too many of them. I often wish I had a whole wall of shelves and books stacked by color on them. Lack of space obviously doesn't allow it so now they lay in literally LITERALLY every corner of my room.
I've had this book for a while. I actually didn't know the author but was really drawn in because of the beautiful design. It's impossible to take a good picture of just how awesome that shiny lettering on the cover is or how beautiful the entire book is.
I'm shallow, I picked up this book because in the TV show based on the book Ben Barnes who I think is absolutely gorgeous plays lead. No, I haven't seen the series yet but like I said I'm shallow. It was enough to get me interested. I actually very rarely read non fantasy books so clearly this one being a fantasy book I knew I'll like it. As per usual, reviews on the book were not that great, clearly something is wrong with me because I only tend to like books that get like one or two star reviews and I usually hate the top rated ones. I don't know. My brain is hardwired wrong. I'm not saying it's a drop dead amazing Tolkien or Martin type fantasy world (nobody can compete with them anyways), but honestly? Does it have to be? No. I enjoyed it that's all that mattered.
Here's a quick summary from the back cover (of a non collectors edition that is / there's at least 6 copies of this book that I know of);
''SOLDIER. SUMMONER. SAINT.
Orphaned and expendable, Alina Starkov is a soldier who knows she may not survive her first trek across the Shadow Fold – a swath of unnatural darkness crawling with monsters. But when her regiment is attacked, Alina unleashes dormant magic not even she knew she possessed.
Now Alina will enter a lavish world of royalty and intrigue, as she trains with the Grisha – her country's magical military elite – and falls under the spell of their notorious leader, the Darkling. He believes Alina can summon a force capable of destroying the Shadow Fold and reuniting their war-ravaged country, but only if she can master her untamed gift.
As the threat to the kingdom mounts and Alina unlocks the secrets of her past, she will make a dangerous discovery that could threaten all she loves and the very future of a nation.''
Now first of, who the hell wouldn't fall under the spell of the Darkling, I mean there's nothing quite as attractive as danger. Sexy, misterious, danger. This is the first book in the series of three, there's also ''Siege and storm'' and ''Ruin and rising''. I have both but haven't read them yet. Of course. Even though I'm dying to find out what happens to the Darkling. Another reason my head is screwed on the wrong way, always falling for the bad boy. Like I said danger is ridiculously attractive. After these two there's also a spin of duology ''Six of crows'' and ''Crooked kingdom'' some fans actually say that if you're just getting into this world you should start with Six of crows. I can't say how much sense that makes but then again you also don't watch Star wars in order. There's also two brand new books ''King of scars'' and ''Rule of wolves'', different characters but same story world. Yeah my reading list is ridiculously long. I don't even know when I'll get to them all. Shall I start praying for a new lockdown then? Wouldn't really make a difference since I don't go anywhere anyways.
You can easily tell that this fantasy world is Russian inspired. It's quite obvious in their names, clothes they wear and also the names of their magical orders; ''fabrikators'' ''corporalki healers'' ''materialki'' etc. I actually enjoyed that fact because I understood everything without a problem. Russian language is not that far removed from mine so that's a bonus for me. Of course I saw people complain about this too because you know the words are not exactly Russian but should they be? I mean book is inspired by Russia it's not supposed to BE Russian. Everyone's a critic these days I swear.
So the story actually begins with the ''before'' part. When the Grisha show up to test the orphans and inseparable friends Alina and Malyen – Mal for powers that neither seemed to possess. Mal is the other ''eye candy''? I suppose the guy that ''normal'' girls would swoon over. You know the type, cocky, funny, kind and a head turner. All heads turn except mine wouldn't. I'd still be in a corner, salivating over the Darkling and his ''storm cloud'' color eyes.
Alina is a perfect character because her powers aside she's so easy to relate to, she's the ''nothing special'' kinda girl, skinny, nervous, a type of girl you don't look twice at, pretty invisible type. And more of a loner except for Mal. The way the story is set, in her narrative and clean writing, it's so easy to get sucked into the story from the first moment as Alina and her regiment march into the Shadow Fold ''a swath of nearly impenetrable darkness that grew with every passing year and crawled with horrors''. The Fold is a consequence of magic going really bad and it ends up splittling the land of Ravka in two. But honestly Ravka is not haunted just by the Folds darkness, it's also haunted by the darkness of the Darkling. He'd haunt my dreams in another way if you know what I mean. Lol. Maybe it's not just danger that's attractive, maybe it's also power because he is the most powerful Grisha there is. Or maybe it's just all them pictures of Ben Barnes in black. Oh sweet baby Jesus take the wheel because I am done.
I'm trying to focus on the story here but seriously this ''figure in black'' is making things hard for me. Right, the regiment is crossing the Fold when they're attacked, by creatures called the Volcra, something winged, creepy, monstrous. It's later revealed that they're actually the farmers and their families that lived in the area when the Fold was created. You know like the Orcs, they were Elves first. The regiment is attacked and Alina, the simple map maker, unnoticable little girl, literally explodes with power and what is it? Sun summoner. She can summon light. Isn't that amazing. I mean the ability to summon light aside, but the little girl nobody thinks to look at twice, turns out to be this amazing being that could potentially save the world. Isn't that how it works in the real world too? People only know how to judge and often end up surprised when people you'd least expect turn out to be absolutelly extraordinary.
After her gift is exposed Alina is taken to Darklings palace to learn the art of the ''Etherealki'' that can control wind, fire, water but she's the only one that can control the light, and Mal is left behind. It's safe to say she's not doing so well with her training, first because it's all new to her and second, the abscence of Mal. But that's just what makes the book great for me, character development and following Alina along her journey to learn more about her powers and the complexity of being a Grisha is really great. It's not just character development that I found great though, it's also the world building. I think it was set really perfectly and easy to get lost in while reading.
Now I'd love to tell you all about the stag, and the magical amplifiers and that really sexy kiss but then I'd be giving everything away and where's the fun in that? Nah, you guys go read the book and see for yourself what happens.
Honestly, I thought that the story line and the writing itself are rather incredible. Everything that is described is done so with vivid details while not over the top. It's quite an adventure to follow from start to finish, I actually finished the book in one afternoon, couldn't put it down. To be fair it might be a bit cliche the whole ''dark vs light'' fight but it's anything but, I'm really dying to find out where the story goes in the second and third part. Maybe this is what I really needed, something to really peak my interest and throw me right back into reading and a fantasy world I'll love and get lost in. Anything is better than my harsh reality. Maybe this is what or better yet where I'l let myself get lost this weekend. Lord knows after this week I'd deserve a break I'm not getting, so maybe a date with part two is just what I need. Enjoy the weekend you guys, god knows what nightmare next week brings.
P.S. No stag was harmed in the making of these photos.
No comments:
Post a Comment