Running on empty.

I started and deleted this blog about eight times now. It's not that I had something important to say and didn't know how, it's that I don't even know how to start normal everyday things. Lately I can't write. Well there's a great many things that I can't seem to do right lately. It's like I'm broken. Incompetent. Lost. Numb.

And the worst part is I don't know how to fix myself. I don't know how to ''unfuck'' myself if you know what I mean. I don't know how long does it take after a traumatic event to put yourself back together. How do you live? How do you breathe? How do you even begin to put your life back in order?

I've been through some stuff in my life but nothing has been as difficult as the past six months. I myself am not sure how I got through them to this point. Fact is I just want to scream, punch, cry over everything that happened to me. It's not right and it's not fair. I want to leave this place and never look back and never see or hear about the people that hurt me ever again. And I know this is not how it goes. You can't run and hide. You can only grow a pair and handle your shit.

But fact is that I am so scared. And not just of what's to come, and what's been happening but also of myself. There are moments when I scare myself. When I catch myself staring at a spot for minutes, listening to the same song on reply for an hour with my mind racing and I don't even notice what's happening. The thoughts are like a god damn storm inside my head and they just blur into one giant mess and my mind feels like it's about to explode…I'm not even making sense right now am I?

God life has been such a mess lately. And it would be so much easier if this was my mess. You know the ''you made your bed now lie in it'' kinda thing? But it's really not. I've done nothing wrong and I've done nothing to deserve all of this. As far as I can tell anyways.

You know what's the worst part though? No matter what you do, you can't get away from yourself. You can't run. You can't ignore it. You can't shut down the noise inside your head. You know how it really feels? All of this? The hell I'm going through? It's like watching everyone around you breathing and there you are choking, your lips turning blue and you know you were supposed to be able to breathe but you just can't. And the people around you? They see your chest moving, they think you're breathing, but they don't know that in reality, you're choking.

People are just people, they say it'll be better, they say you'll be alright, they say you'll get over this…maybe. But it's not as easy is it. How do you even begin to move forward? How do you get over losing someone you love? How do you get over your own family treating you like you're a piece of trash on the sidewalk the walk on? How do you even cope and put yourself back together after something like this?

I had this epiphany the other day. Am I even really living anymore? No. I'm just getting through the day, living in the thought of tomorrow. It's not living it's waiting. And then it struck me, what the hell am I waiting for? And the anwser? In 99 % not an anwser I'd want to hear. It's scary. Sometimes I can't breathe with the feeling of guilt. I know I am far from what my parents expected the first day they met me. Aparently I'm far from what the rest of the family wanted either or they wouldn't put me through the hell they're putting me through now. And the thing is I keep it all inside because it rather kills me then hurt anyone I love ever again. I don't want them to suffer just because I do. It's not right. Nor is it fair.

At the end of the day I understand them. How could they love me if even I don't love myself? What is there to love? I am a mess. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want. I don't know what to do with myself or my life. I am not one of them pretty girls all my bands are dating, I am far from traditionally beautiful and far from being strong, tough and independent. And to make matters worse lately I fuck up even the simplest things I used to be good at.

And let's not even get into what's going on upstairs. Who could love a person like that? Nobody. Of course you want easy. Of course you want happiness. Of course you want someone who is not broken. And you deserve nothing less then that.

And the thing is...I wish I could be all that for you but I'm not. I'm a work in progress. And maybe I need someone in my life that understands me, that is just like me, that is fighting the same demons. Someone that went through the same hell as I am going through. Or better yet as someone once told me ''you need someone who's demons play well with your own''.

It's getting late, I suppose these ramblings have no sense as it, I might as well share some pics and go to bed. Enjoy your weekend guys.