...and when you're feeling empty keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest, leave out all the rest.

It's July 20th. Meaning today marks a year. A year since this world lost a musical icon. A legend. A great man. Chester Bennington. And there aint a social media portal today that I could go to without seeing his face all over. I didn't expect today to be easy, not only as a fan, but also as his death opened up so many old wounds. So much heartbreak that I thought I was done with for good. But fact is there are other things completly unrelated that have gone wrong in my life since he died that aren't making this entire thing any easier. Ever since it happened I can't shake the feeling that my life is a house of cards, slowly collapsing into itself because honestly anything I touch goes up in flames these days.

Life can be so cruel sometimes. And vile. And unjust. And the ones that deserve better are always hit the worst. Someone who is good and kind and honest and helps people will surely be taken advantage of or treated unfairly. And so was he. He was the last person on this planet that deserved what happened to him.

Today we should look back and remember all the good, the positive, the love, life and laughter he gave us. Not the pain and heartbreak. He wouldn't want that. He would want nothing but positivity. And honestly? I can't say I honored that in the past year. I remember writing down a promise. Saying that I'll be strong and that I'll keep on fighting and that I'll keep my light strong if not for me then for him and I am so sorry for letting him down. I wasn't strong and I wasn't fighting. I was a complete and utter disaster for the past six months.

But that doesn't mean I can't try harder from now on. Find that strength that music once gave me within me and try harder to pick up all the broken pieces and try again. Life can't always be bad right? No matter how hopless it may seem…what's that saying again? ''one can find brightness in the darkest of times if they only remember to turn on the light''? something along those lines anyways…

There's people in my life I lost, years back and only just recently, and the pain of losing them is about a million times worse then losing Chazz was, but still. In times like these, dark, that seem to have no way out, his music would be what would soothe me, make me feel better, less alone, less afraid, now I can't stomach an entire album without wanting to cry. I love his voice so much, I love his lyrics so much but they sound so alien these days.

It's so hard to process it's already been a year. How is that even possible? I feel like it's been a week maybe, a month at the most, still half hoping for a miracle that will never come. It's been a year since I actually listened to them too, I'm not saying a song on the radio, I never turn that off, but actually sat down and listened to an entire album. And the crazy part is I miss their music despite not being able to listen to it. How crazy is that?

I don't need music though to be fair. I grew up with this band, one of my mom's friends gave me their first two albums when I was nine years old. I can hear his voice in my head loud and clear if I close my eyes, I listened to them non stop. Everyone pretty much hated the band around me because of it. When dad and I were in Berlin for the first time together, it was around the time ''Minutes to midnight'' came out, we listened to it non stop. We drove there in his brand new car and it's about eleven hours of driving and literally we only listened to Minutes to midnight and Bon Jovi's Lost highway the entire time with some radio in between. Fond memory of a better life that I miss so much now.

That had to be the first album by Linkin park my dad actually liked, he used to tell me how all my music is too much screaming and too much depression and I always told him that my music only reflects me. That Chesters voice is what sooths me, heals me, inspires me. That the band changed me in so many ways that I can't even explain.

And today I am not so sure what to do with that fact. Those feelings. I feel grateful because on a planet this old, somehow I got to be alive same time as them, experiencing falling in love with a band for the first time. Lord knows there's been many more bands I fell in love after them hah. And grateful for inspiring me and influencing me and just making me believe not all is lost and that love still remains out there at times that seemed most hopless.

And even though those are nothing but positive feelings my heart hurts knowing there's all there is to it. I won't ever get to experience this all over again. I won't ever see him again. I won't ever drive to Berlin with dad again, signing the songs out loud on the way home because we memorised them all. And that? That hurts more then I can put into words. It's just pain pain pain. And confusion. Why? Why did it have to happen? What did Chazz sing? ''and you're angry and you should be, it's not fair'' no it really isn't.

My heart is just completly broken and I don't know how to fix this feeling. Maybe I'm waiting for that sappy fairytale ending you know…a guy comes along and puts together all the broken pieces and mends them. As if. A princess doesn't need a prince for her happily ever after if you ask me. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't need help every now and then. Ironically usually when going through the worst heartbreak you can imagine you can at least count on family to be there…well…not me.

Point is a piece of my heart is missing, not just because of Chester but also because of a ton of other things that I mentioned without properly explaining, I'm sorry,it's private and it's painful.

I can only say that he helped me once again, without even being here. There's been bad things that happened to me in the past six months, things done to me by people I trusted most, people that knew just how to hurt me and what to do make it hurt as much as possible. And it made me hateful and vengeful and angry and bitter. And also blind. I was like a guard dog ready to attack all teeth and blood without thinking. But then I remembered ''hate, pride, vengeance and fear are the plague of the earth. Love, kindness, compassion, empathy and service to others are the cure.''.

It made me stop dead in my tracks. As much as these people would deserve and have it coming, everything that I wish could happen to them, it's just not worth it, it's not worth me turning hateful and bitter. It's not worth it. Karma will fuck them over in the end. They don't deserve any love and compassion or kindness and empathy, but I also don't deserve turning into something I'm not because of them.

''The one thing that can't be defeated is love right? You can conquer hate by ignoring it, you can destroy it by loving the person next to you. So I want everybody here tonight to look at the person standing next to you and just tell them you love them and that you are happy that they are here with you tonight having a good time. Listening to music. Celebrating life. We don't care what you look like, we don't care where you come from, we don't care what you believe in. We love every single one of you out there and nothing will ever change that. With that said let's sing some songs together.''

Rest in peace angel, I miss you so much. And to the rest of my LP family, as well as Chris Cornell fans, I'm sending you all my love tonight.