Life after you.

''All that I'm after is a life full of laughter as long as I'm laughing with you, and I think that all that still matters is love ever after after the life we've been through, cause I know there's no life after you.''

Why do people romanticize heartbreak? What is romantic or even beautiful about it? What is romantic about sitting in your shower at 2 am trying to contain your sobs. Nothing romantic about smoking just to help you remember how to breathe properly. It's not romantic looking for love at the bottom of a vodka bottle. It's not romantic when you just want to punch something, someone, anything, and you keep doing it until your knuckles are bruised and bleeding. It's not romantic when you wake up in the morning and wonder how did you even survive last night with the crushing sadness that literally caused you chest pain and wondering if you can make it through another such day. There is nothing romantic about reading old messages over and over and over again until it hurts so much that it's not just chest pain but pain all over your body. It's not romantic holding on to your sink, staring at the mirror and just begging yourself to keep going. What's romantic about something so tragic? So painful? So devastating? Something so lonely and hard? You don't just leave a person you love behind, you leave behind hopes, dreams, what if's, chances of what could be a fairytale type happiness.

Excuse me for dreaming. Dreaming that that forever still exists. Dreaming that true love is real. Dreaming that you actually get to spend all of your sunsets with that one person. Your person. But I guess in this world…there is no love left. No empathy. No compassion. 

I guess my question here is, if you get a second chance at all this. Happiness. Love. Forever. How do you trust someone who's hurt you in the past? Left your heart, if I put it poetically, bleeding broken on the floor? How do you know this time this is it? How do you know it won't happen again? Do you hope they learned their lesson? Do you hope second time around things will be different? Better? That history will not repeat itself? Nobody can guarantee that, you can only hope. You can only take that leap of faith…

I can't believe I'm even thinking about that silver screen type reunion. You know the one? When a hug so tight feels like it can put all your broken pieces back together. I can't believe I'm thinking sad stories with a hopless future can have a happy ending. I can't believe I'm letting myself dream that this is possible. I just can't. I can't be dreaming that the very person who subjected me to so much pain and sadness could be the one to take it all away. But then again if pickles and peanut butter work, why couldn't this? 

In a way I know that I could / should try to look for something new, but I also know that wherever I go I'll just be looking for what I had. And in a way all I wanna do is kiss him and kiss him again until there's nothing left but happiness. And in a way I just want to feel like home again, because nothing feels like home right now. No place. No people. Nothing besides his arms. And in a way I want him to get drunk and tell me how he really feels. No bullshit just feelings. And in a way I want to stop listening to songs and thinking of nothing but how it relates to him, and me, and us. And in a way I want to stop wondering how to move on from him when the truth is that nobody makes me feel quite like him. When it's bad it's bad yeah but when it's good, god it's so good. 

And then you know it just dawns on me. Am I losing my damn mind? Am I holding on to misery and calling it hope instead? And it dawns on me, hell I must really hate myself to be so madly fucking in love with him. And it's just like a friend of mine told me ''everything you love will kill you one day, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, or them boys with pretty blue eyes, they all kill you in the end''. Yeah. 

What do you do when you're in the eye of the storm? A tornado of emotions? Why are you willing to forget all the pain and all the hurt? Because you're crazy? Sadistic? A hopless romantic? A dreamer?

I don't even know, all I know is that I am tired of feeling like this. Tired of missing him. Tired of hurting. Tired of being sad and lonely and crying. Tired of everything. Tired of dreaming. Tired of wishing. Tired of drowning and the heartache and the desire. And I guess if I can take it all away, then I would in a heart beat even if it meant that I could end up even more broken in the end.