Keep on keeping on.

It's been a weird week. I know I say that a lot but jesus my weeks lately are a mess. So much confusion, so many unanwsered questions, so much drama. I'm at a point where I'm just asking myself ''how the fuck did you make it this far?'' wanna know? Booze and music. So help me the only two things stopping me from murdering someone at this point. It's better to open a beer and enjoy a good record then getting myself in trouble. Though certain people would deserve trouble but let's not go there right now.

There was a time when I was young and stupid and naiive and wanted a ''family first'' tattoo on me because family was something sacred to me, something you always rely on, something that keeps you going. Yet these days all I'm thinking is people that don't know their families are lucky. I'm at a point where I wish I didn't know mine. I never imagined anything or anyone could hurt me as much as the people I call family did. I don't know what I did, who I killed, why I deserve this in life...all I know is I have to be real fucking bad to be punished by the universe this much.

Funny how the world works isn't it? It doesn't matter how much you want something and how hard you work for it, sometimes it's stupid to think it will happen. Guess what? Some things are impossible. And when you come to think of it, why beg people that don't love you to love you? Why grovel? Why humiliate yourself? I know pride kills love but what if there was no love to begin with? I guess I need someone to tell me flat out how to move on, how to survive, how to function and get over the fact that the only people you thought love you can't stand you. And how to cope with the fact that you lost everything. The fact that you're all alone. The fact that nothing is alright anymore and it doesn't seem that it ever will be again. I guess I just need some help.