''To live a creative life we must lose our fear of being wrong''

''Memories and plans forgone, pave the way for fear to spawn, to find a vein to feast upon. Hoping I become undone, but I'm not afraid. I'm unbreakable, can't defeat me, though I'm bleeding, Unbreakable, though I'm bending, I'll never break.''

Alright I know I promised a different blog today...and I'll post that one too I promise. Something different first, I was distracted. Distracted by fear. You heard me. Fear. I don't even know, is it anxiety, is it actual fear, am I going completly insane? I don't know what is it. I'm probably losing that last bit of sanity I was proud to *still* have.

You're supposed to always do exacty what you're afraid of. That means growth and growth can be painful. Aparently you're supposed to fail in life sometimes because if you don't you're not trying hard enough. I still believe that there is no such thing as failure, just lessons. Every ''failure'' teaches you something, brings you closer to something, or maybe on a different path altogether.

But the problem is that fear can consume you. Fear can hold you back from doing something you want to do, something you have to do. Fear can hold you back from someone...it can hold you back from being the best version of yourself. Fear is actually a prison. My friend used to tell me ''sugar, this is our world, beautiful and horrible things will happen, don't be afraid to live''. I miss him so much so much to be honest. I didn't know fear with him. I wasn't lost before. It's amazing how losing someone most important to you can fuck you up so badly. 2754 days later it still feels raw, it still hurts, it still makes me want to scream and cry and give up everything because life is so unfair. And what I hate most is that he would be so angry at me. Angry because of so many things I said I will do and I never did. It was easier to hide. Easier to never be brave and never follow my dreams. Easier to stop living and just surviving instead.

And the thing is I have so many regrets. I missed out on so much. So many experiences, so much life, so much...of everything. I regret the chances I didn't take and the memories I didn't make. And I learned the hard way that regret is way scarier then taking chances, even big scary ones. Regret is worse...

I took so many wrong turns, made so many bad decisions that I can barely count them. Which is why I decided that enough is enough. Maybe sometimes you have to wait to see where the cards fall, see how things play out. Maybe sometimes a decision you consider as a huge failure or regret and seems like the most catastrophic thing in the world isn't all that after all. Maybe it can end as something extraordinary. I think some of life's wildest journeys and best experiences can actually start by taking a wrong turn. So maybe being lost isn't the worst thing in the world?

Someone once told me ''fear is control of those who are afraid''. It was a different context but same thing. I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to let fear control me, or influence my decisions. Thing is I am not okay, I am sad, I am hurt, angry, mad, disappointed and I have every right to be. But you know what? I'll put on a brave fucking face and move on. I am completly lost, the path I thought I was walking on disappeared a long time ago but that's alright. I found a new one, and though I am afraid...absolutelly terified to even step on it, I will. I will tackle life straight on like a head on collision and see what it brings me. I know my family doesn't agree, I know I might be doing another huge mistake, but thing is, I don't want to sit here again in 5 years writing another post about things I regret. No. I want to write a post about things I accomplished, things I've seen, people I've met.

I want to learn how to love myself. How to love my life. How to make the best out of it. I want to enjoy the little things like waking up when the entire world is still asleep, drink hot coffee, listen to the first birds sing and watch the sunrise. I want to be able to go to the train station, buy a ticket to nowhere and just get lost for a few days, experience something new, meet someone on the train that's wearing my favorite band's shirt or reading my favorite book and start a conversation, make a new friend...I've got to stop taking things personally and let them hurt me. I have to STOP letting people's opinions of what's best for me control what is actually best for me. Maybe I don't know either but I sure as hell know better then people who don't know me.

I need to learn how to let go, how not to get upset or hurt over things that won't even matter in 6 months no more. I wanna get lost at an art fair or a music festival, complimenting random people about things they're insecure about. I got to stop worrying about what to tell people, how to make some fake excuses for myself, I don't need to explain myself to anyone. What you see is what you get you either like it or you don't. I got to stop worrying about other people's opinions about me, guess what? They don't matter. They don't know me. People love to talk but they'll never know what they're talking about in the first place. And I got to stop stressing myself about everything and everyone. I just need to stop being afraid of everything and breathe.

Life is supposed to be like art, messy, bold, colorful, different, amazing, influence your emotions...so that's why to everyone doubting me, everyone forcing their opinions down on me, everyone saying what I should be doing in my life instead of asking me what I really want to do, everyone convinced they know what's best for me, everyone who made me so afraid of everything with their doubts and ideas...Hakuna Matata bitches, you only live once and it's about time I actually start living. I'm going to do whatever the hell I want to from now on and I won't listen to anyone anymore. If I want that damn tattoo I'll get it, if I want to go out take a couple of tequila shots and dance the night away I will, if I don't want to accept the job you're offering me because you think I need any job I can get just so I'm working I won't take it, life is too short to be anything but happy. And if the path I chose to follow doesn't feel right for you I won't care. I know it's right, because it's what I want and that's the only thing that matters. You know what I have to say to that? Make mistakes, make as many as you can, get lost, change your college major 5 times if you have to, get a carreer in political science because there's no way you'll get a job, live, laugh, breathe, so one day when you look back you won't be guessing what you want to be, and you won't be lost and most importantly, you won't have any regrets.

Learn how to be...