Music is healing

It's Halloween month and my emotions are all over the place. I love Halloween obviously but there's other...''memories''...I don't like about this month. Memories I wish I could erase from my mind forever. Do you think painful experiences are important for ''growing'' and ''evolving'' and shit? I suppose that could be true since people that never experience all the bad shit will never understand how someone who has been through hell feels. I suppose they will never be as strong either. October is also my ''birthday month'' as JB would say. For fuck sake how am I turning 24 tomorrow? I swear I was 18 just yesterday. Jesus christ. The older I get the more stressfull these birthdays are. Like I'm twenty fucking four and what did I do in my life so far? Nothing really. When my grandmother was my age she had a career, she was married with a child and what am I doing? Eating Nutella from the jar with a spoon while sobbing over tv shows in my Hello Kitty PJ's. Yeah yeah different times and all that I get it. Wish it was different, I wish we had more options, more oppurtunities, more...I don't know. More from life I suppose. To be honest when I was a kid this was easy like what do you want for your birthday? Toys, cake, candy? Now when people ask I'm just like...what the fuck do I want? Self esteem? A good job? Emotional stability? A better life? Bucky Barnes in my bed? Excatly. Life and relationships and friendships just get so complicated and fucked up once you get older. I wish things were easy like...like that Cheap trick song ''I want you to want me'' boom end of story. Wouldn't that be nice? I guess what I'm trying to say is my wishes shifted from petty materialistic to simple things. I don't want a fancy house or a car, just a place of my own, someone to love, a good job that might not be the greatest but makes me happy and making pancakes with my best friend every sunday and we'd lay in bed watching cartoons together all day all snuggled up with eachother and our dogs and cats. But isn't that something we all want? Independence, love, to live not simply survive? It's funny...it's funny I don't even know how to dream anymore, I dream of such simple things that shouldn't even be dreams, they're basic things every human being deserves, we all deserve a home, safety, love. It's madness. I don't even know where I'm going with this...I guess sometimes you got to be sad or miserable to cherish your happiness that much more. My friend used to tell me that you have to fall apart sometimes or you'd never appreciate your life once it's put together again. And when it all falls apart it's not the end, it's a chance to rebuild. I guess he just never got to tell me how. Maybe it's up to me to figure it out. Maybe I need some help with that though...You know I did learn though? I learned that maybe sometimes we are the ones breaking our own hearts, we walk into situations, get in relationships, make friendships, get attached to someone all by choice. And then we let them break our hearts because well fuck we gave them the chance to do it.

Enough moping, it's almost midnight so happy fucking birthday to me, do trust me to get a bottle of vodka and drink a shot each time Jack says ''fuck'' or Alex says ''jesus christ Jack'' while watching this...

If I disappear...I'm at the ER...alcohol poisoning. Ha ha. Can't wait to see this DVD though, feels like I've waited for so long. Exciting plans are they not. Enjoy your weekend guys lord knows I'll enjoy mine. Stay safe!