It's meant to be.

Here's a question for my non artistic (and also non autistic) people out there. Do you ever stop to admire art and beauty all around you? I admit lately that feels impossible to find. Where there used to be beauty,  it's now just darkness. But I meant more appreciating random small moments of beauty. What is art essentially? I like to look at it more fluidly than just a statue, or a painting. A person can be art, don't you think? I found myself at an airport just watching people, observing that small moment of their lives, where for that tiny fraction of time your lives collide and you exist at the same time in the same space. Have you ever noticed too, how a hug goodbye and a hug hello are completely different? That was art to me, I got an overwhelming desire to sketch these random moments in time, before they pass me by. The times we live in are so dark and so overwhelming, we really should learn to appreciate even the tiniest rays of love, hope, sun, beauty, art...

But then again, what do I know about beauty, what does any one of us know? In the words of my dearest Mr. Poe ''There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion''. 

I'm writing this offline, I needed a little breather, to step away from the internet. All the darkness on there is absolutely destroying me. Bit by bit. I have a hard time watching Palestine, I mean it's not like our news or any news is covering it, but I see enough from brave young reporters, and it is absolutely killing me. I am embarrassed to be in the so called sophisticated free world, in Europe that is supposedly evolved and god knows what else, and it doesn't lift a finger to help those people, but as soon as Yemen poses a tiny economical threath they get bombed. Okay. I see how it is. But at least I can be proud of my country today, unlike Germany who is on the fast track back into 1938, we are joining South Africa as the first (possibly only?) EU country. And that, that I am proud of. 

I actually came here to do a quick album review, I didn't have enought time to read, lousy excuse I know, but the time I had, I spent drawing, and playing this album on my iPod. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Bob Seger is such an underrated artist. And I know, I know many of you will say ''you just love him because of that Risky Business'' scene. No. I don't. I actually never watched Risky Business (gasp! the horror I know!) so I didn't even know what songs are in it, I loved Bob since forever, because he always reminded me of Bruce Springsteen, which is kinda funny if you think about the fact that Bruce actually inspired the song ''Night moves''. And I always loved the way his songs are whole movies, and his voice is so velvety smooth...

Against the wind is actually Bobs 11th studio album and I believe the fourth to feature the Silver bullet band (e street band vibes much?). It is unfortunally also the only number one album which spent six weeks on the American album charts. This is my underated artist issue. All of his albums deserve to be number ones. Not to mention that his career started in the early 60's, but he only really gained fame and success with ''Night moves'' which came out in 1976. Did y'all even know that the super famous Kenny Rogers song ''We've got tonight''? Is actually Bobs? Just saying.

Now this album is interesting, it kinda jumps back and forth from upbeat rock n roll kinda songs, to powerful, deep, meaningful ballads. I always loved that about an album, some variety, some diversity, listening to an album where all 13 to 15 songs sound absolutely the same is boring. It starts of with ''The Horizontal Bop'' my mind goes straight to Poison and ''Unskinny bop'' and they're nothing alike of course but what'cha gonna do...Horizontal bop is kinda heavy, bluesy with this extended musical part at the end. I mean I love that I can hear Chuck Berry in this song, and lets be serious we all know this song is about sex right? And that sells, but on the other hand the negative critique also amuses me, the critics that went after him saying this song will have negative ramifications for women such as unwanted pregnancy....ha.ha.hahaha.hahahahaha. Y'all for real? First thing first, is a pregnancy just a womans problem / fault? And also...I mean I don't know what the hell went down in the 80's, but I can't imagine blaming a song for stupid mistakes. It would have to be November Rain and Axl Rose himself singing it to me in the shower, and even then I can't imagine banging someone just because of a good song that implys sex. Ridiculous. Does that mean Prince is responsible for half of todays population then? Just asking. For a friend. 

That aside, the song is fun but for me it loses all meaning because of the second song. Oh my god let me tell you something I absolutely love it! No, still not enough to sleep with someone because of it, but might have it playing while sleeping with someone I already intended to sleep with. ''You'll Accomp'ny me'' is everything I love about music. It has that story, the melody, the love, the passion. The song is all about longing, longing for love, for companionship, and desire to find someone, someone you can trust to be there through all ups and downs in life. Somone who loves you for you, someone who stays when everyone else walks out. It talks about the basic human need of connection and most importantly hope, hope for a better future, hope of finding your person, hope of someone coming along and sharing all of lifes troubles and wins. The lyrics paint so much vulnerabilty and his voice paints so much emotion, that is what makes this song amazing in my book. 

''I'll take my chances babe, I'll risk it all, I'll win your love, or I'll take the fall, I've made my mind up girl, it's meant to be, someday lady you'll accomp'ny me''.

You just can't beat lyrics like this, and you can't beat the message, a man who knows despite all of the obstacles, roadblocks, other directions life may take you or fear that's stopping you, someday him and the woman of his dreams will be together, not because he decided but beacause it's meant to be. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic. Blame the part of me that's Italian, but this...this is everything. 

And opposed to everything we get back to the rockerish, some called it ''screechy voiced'' (I'm looking at you Bill King) song ''Her Strutt''. It's been said to be ''objectifying women'' deep sigh. I mean we went over this before with Cherry Pie didn't we? Why is saying you love watching women strut sexist though? I mean...I honestly do not get it? I might be missing some modern woke point of the story, but I can honestly say as a woman, watching a powerful woman in high heels, STRUT on her way to possibly destroy a man who done did her wrong...that's hella attractive, and at the end of the day men will always find women sexual, confident women are always attractive, and I fail to see the problem in that, problem is belitelling women and problem is lack of consent, not enjoying a nice view. In my opinion. And possibly, just maybe, anyone considered that the word strut just sounds grittier and works better in this song? I don't think ''walk'' would have the same effect. 

The other two songs on this side of the album are also ''No Mans land'' which is kinda hard to listen for me, to be fair. It was written in 1980s and honestly the lyrics (if you actually listen to them) they talk about exactly what I feel is wrong with this world today. The land is not literal land it's just a state of loneliness and uncertainty and fear, which is what I feel runs this planet and messes up all our lives. It's about fear grounding us to the same place, and essentially keeping us from real happiness. Maybe that's what we should fear the most? Fear itself. As the song says, we're constantly searching for something better, something different but we're rarely willing to take on fear and risk it all. And the last song, ''Long twin silver line'' is probably a bit of a filler song, I mean okay I like the meloday that goes in a great ascend in the verse but that's about it.

Now side two starts with ''Against the wind'' obviously, as the name of the album says. I got into an argument once with an idiot over this song. Not fully understanding how he could actually take it so literal, this song is just talking about going against the wind, like sailing, you can't sail against the wind. Sure. You can't. But that is not what this song is about. This is a song about growing up, about getting older, not old, just older, about maturing, about pushing through all of lifes bullshit, heartbreak, sadness, love, exploration, betrayal and good things too, good things that don't need pushing trough, lets call them as we Italians call them ''bonaccia'', my sea loving friends will understand. Pretty sure the idea came from his time of running track, he was a fantastic runner, I bet that came in handy with them crazy fan girls huh? Anyways he would literally run against the wind so I take it that's where the idea is from. At the end of the day what we should take away from this song it's not getting older or life changing, we should take away prioritising, what and who's important in our lives. We rarely do that, we keep rocks and throw away diamonds, we lose time on things that don't matter, we prioritise people that don't deserve it and let those that do slip away. Sometimes people love you and sometimes people use you. As Bob said. But people in this song? They survived the storm, they came out victorious and it made them stronger. And just a side note did ya know Glenn Frey sings back vocals here? Them two were literally best friends.

Ok I love ''Good for me''. Like the song aside for a moment, but how many times in life do we actually ask ourselves if something is ''good'' for us? I sure as hell never do or I'd not be chugging down that fourth glass of whiskey, that I know will come back to bite me in the ass later, or keep around toxic relationships that do nothing but hurt me. I sure as fuck haven't learned yet what IS good for me, given that I still despite everything let certain people walk all over me. But lets get back to the song. This is a song about that one special person that brings out the best in you. The person you know you can be you around, no judgement, no bullshit, nothing but love, just the best version of you you can be. He sings about a woman obviously, but it can be applied to a man too, a person who sucks at being phony, doesn't know how to lie, doesn't pretend or play games, a person that understands space and understands needing support. ''Always by my side, always in the right place at the right time''. A person who's presence in your life makes everything better, positive, happier. I love that this song just paints a picture of a happy balanced relationship, both sides supporting and loving towards eachother, making each others lives richer and contribute to each others growth and happiness. I used to wonder if this song is based on a myth. Do relationships like this still exist? No games, no cheating, no abuse, just love? Is that possible in this day and age? It is. Trust me. It so is. But it's fucking rare, if you got it, ever ever let it go. 

I don't think I have to disect Betty Lou's gettin' out tonight'' do I? We were all Betty Lou at some point. Young, rebellious, fed up with our small minded towns or surroundings just wishing to escape. I mean I grew out of my teen angst but the feelings remained, I still wish I could get away more often then not. Betty Betty, with friends who enjoy their mundane lives, their kinder kuche kirche routine, and her, a wild spirit that wants to explore and get away, see the world, have adventures, I get you Betty, fuck societys rules and expectations and live the life non of us could. She's fictional so who else can do it if not her? Are there songs out there btw who don't dream but do? So many small town situations that crave to escape but are there songs of people who got out and are living the best life? Send them my way if you know them, I am a sucker for happy endings. The both kinds ;) 

''Fire lake'' is sorta a sequel to Betty Lou but in a bad way, there's no happy end. It's a place to escape when everyday life is too much, when things didn't turn the way you wanted or hoped for, aka you didn't get to run away but rather got stuck in some limbo that feels like purgatory most days...and all your dreams are slowly dying (this is a song isn't it...another song...about dying dreams?)...I think this is something we all experience, we all have our own dreams, some are big, some are small, some, like children in Gaza and their dreams, make us look like ungrateful assholes, but mostly I'm learning, no matter how hard you want something, and no matter how hard you work for, some things are just so impossible to reach. I'm not here to bring you down btw, you should never ever never let go of your dreams or stop chasing them because then they really will never come true, I'm just saying that things are becoming harder and harder. But that's exactly what Fire lake is, a song about acceptance and redemption and creating a new beginning, it might not be what you hoped for but it's a start. 

The album closes with ''Shinin' brightly''. And despite me being the ''spare Addams'' and a literal dark stormy cloud...I still like the positivity that radiates from this song. It's essentially about a relationship, of course as I said above the hopeless romantic in me lives for happy endings when those that are meant to be find their way back to each other. But I like to look at it in a bigger picture too, everything is gonna be okay in life too not just love. It's essentially written about hope, a better tomorrow, a happier future for the couple, everything will be okay right? The dark clouds have disappeared and we'll feel better again. A positive message we all need to hear when we're at a low point or just having a bad day. I see it as reasurrance that it can't in fact rain forever, and all our struggles are just temporary. Like GN'R say in my fave verse ''so nevermind the darkness we still can find a way''. That. There's always light even in the darkest period in your life, there is always that light present you just have to find it, and if you can't, you have to be the light, you have to do better, we owe it to this world, that we completely devastated, to be fucking better. I know better than anyone how this is easier said than done believe me. And I know it's easy to give up, and you don't have the strength to fight everyday, and that's okay but overall we can never surrender and never stop fighting for a better tomorrow, for them ''shinin' brightly'' days. We can't let the bastards win, right Gee? 

Anyways I made this longer than I intended but then again I am incapable of making anything short. You should ask my friends and their novel length emails I write, about everything and nothing. Actually feeling blessed they're not done with me yet. 

So what do you guys think? Does the true amore, the one you'd die for still exist? Morticia and Gomez style I mean. Is Bob Seger underrated? What is art really? In your own words...how do you feel about this album? I'd love to hear your opinion for a change. Alas it's Wednesday, or as I like to call it Wineday so cheers to that and to the end of the week. We got this. 

Čisti dopamin.

 

Wear strength and darkness equally well, because girl you're half goddess and half hell.

''Ko padeš, pridejo oni...''

Anyone else celebrating the end of the holidays tomorrow instead of New years? No? Just me? Okay then...I can't tell you in words how estatic I am that December is ending. I never liked it and grew to hate it even more lately. I guess I'll just never understand it, the hysteria, the forced happiness, the fake smiles, the pretending everything is fucking fantastic, the ''happy families'' that are only happy on Instagram, or the herd mentality of people. January second still happens, and reality still hits you. I don't know. I don't get it. 

I'm not going to write a 2023 write up, lets face it mentally I am still stuck in 2019. I can't honestly process we're stepping into 2024 tomorrow. How did that happen? When did it happen?! Wild. 2023 was...well interesting. A lot of bad things, a lot of new things but also a lot of good things. New friends, new love, new life in a way. I got conclussions to things I always wondered about, I got some answers to some unanswered questions. I learned to understand things about myself that made no sense. Maybe I don't know how to love myself yet but lets call it tolerating for now huh? It's a start. It sure as hell is better than all my past summaries of nothing but devastation and sadness. This year is better. Brighter. And things were completely fucked up don't think they weren't, but maybe I reached a point where I know how to cope with it better. Or maybe it's the fact that I don't have to cope alone. Who knows. 

Maybe new understandings also bring new...ideas? Tactics? Choices? Like this one, ''smile more, your enemies absolutely hate it''. I should. Nothing pisses off people more, than seeing you're doing good without them. Maybe I also should learn how ''not every action needs a reaction''. Some people, well most people, don't deserve neither me wasting my time on them, nor my forgivness, and even less my affection. I need to do better in this area. Love those who deserve it, fucking forget those that already forgot about you. People that want to be in your life will make an effort, not make excuses. I know that now. 

I learned that not everything needs an ending too. Like, I have a hard time with lose ends, with things that don't have a conclussion, which is funny because I have a chronical problem of never finishing anything. But some things will never get that ending I'm craving, some things will never be answered, some things will never make sense, and that's okay, because it's really not on me to fix them. I need to do better in the fantastic art of not giving a fuck and moving on. I learned to be less afraid, because at this point what the fuck else can happen to rattle me? Not much right? I mean I've been through hell and back already, what do I have to fear? Maybe you guys should, if I look into the fire and smile, it's time to run. 

A lot changes when you realise there's really only three types of people on this planet. People who help you through difficult times, people who leave you in difficult times, and people who put you in difficult times. I guess this realisation is what made me cold. Shut down. People don't need to know things about you, sharing things should be reserved to those close to you only, and that circle my friends is closing in on itself daily. The only difference now is that I don't care. If you walk out of my life, I never again plan on chasing you, and you know why? Because in reality, people don't deserve second chances, because they never change. They make you believe they do....but really...nah. 

I've been told by a lot of people that I changed. People that haven't seen me in a while. Maybe. But really no. Things that happened to me, changed me. They make it sound like a bad thing, I mean yeah a lot is not to the good, but a lot is. I am no longer letting people get away with their bullshit. I am never again letting anyone walk all over me, I am never again settling for anything less, than what I deserve. I know how to sit back, be quiet and observe, I know how people only care when they have some sorta use from you. And I know who deserves to stay in my life and who should be long gone. 

I am not making any new years resolutions by the way, I find it hilarious how people are so motivated for all these idiotic things they come up with, and lose all will power to do them by the end of January. Get skinny? Stop drinking? Stop smoking? Do this, do that. Blah blah blah. I'm just gonna sit back and be grateful for the good things in the past year tbh. I am grateful for the little progress in the artistic department, I'm grateful for every nice comment I get and for everyone clicking like on my work. That means the world to me. I am grateful for the live music. Never again taking that for granted. After lockdowns even small hometown shows with THE WORST crowd seem like a blessing. I am grateful for the seaside and the peace it brings me, for being able to go get lost in my favorite places for a couple of days in a year. Always grateful. I am so grateful for my friends, those that are always here, always listening to my bullshit, always offer advice, and if they have none just sit and listen, and are a postitive presence in my life. I am so grateful for things in my life that are GOOD, you know actually good. So much has gone and is wrong that even the tiniest things like, putting on the perfect makeup, a fake smile, a killer outfit and showing people hell, that is something to be grateful for. 

Maybe I'm not where I want to be yet, maybe things are not as they should be yet. But...that's perfectly fine. There's no hurry. There's no deadlines. I honestly believe things happen in their own pace for all of us and if we're not where we want to be yet, that doesn't mean we never will be. If we're not happy yet, it doesn't mean we never will be. It just takes a little time right? I wont sit here and pretend that 2024 is the year where finally everything falls to place. With my luck it's more likely everything falls to pieces instead, but I'm letting the options open, hey maybe everything will be in fact alright? A lot of changes are coming, a lot of new things, a lot of...a lot of a lot, some scary as hell and some kinda perfect and exciting and I plan on focusing on that. And the bad times...well take your best shot life, without the bad times we wouldn't know how to appreciate the good ones after all. 

We live in dark depressing times to be honest, and I wonder everyday, where the fuck are we headed, and what the fuck are we even doing. With all this darkness all around, if we can bring a bit more light then we absolutely should. And that's really all I wish you guys in the new year. Love, light, laughter, peace, happiness. That's what life is all about after all. 

Happy New year guys! 

11.12.2023

I am sitting here and I am sobbing. I know, shocking. I do that all the time lately, seems it grew into a hobby by now. What a shame it's not something I could make money off of. I imagine I'd surpass the Kardashians by now...but this is different. Different kind of sobbing. I am angry. I am relieved. I am devastated. I am heartbroken. I am lost. I am afraid. But I finally understand. So many things, so freaking many things make sense now, and I'm angry for all the opportunities, for all the life, for all the...everything really, that was taken from me, or just ended up not happening because something, like an invisible force field held me back. 

I've been different since I was in middle school, or well probably sooner, but here's the first time I can remember really being the odd one out. I never fit in basically anywhere, and try as I might, I never understood people around me. They'd call me strange, odd, weird, loner, etc...and nobody ever could actually pin point why. Oh I'm an artist, bohemic, gifted, a smartass, into strange hobbies and things etc. Everything that should in theory be a good thing but really it just made me feel disabled. Because no matter how gifted I can be in my areas, all that's been doing is separating me from the majority and sometimes, sometimes you just want to be normal and fit in. Even if you end up dumbing yourself down for it. 

I guess I knew all my life really that something is ''wrong'' with me, but never knew what name the ''wrong'' has. Never knew what label to put on, never knew what IT is. And even now, well into my adult life I was scared, scared of stigma, judgement, or just general misunderstanding that came with it, which made it seek out a diagnosis a prolonged ordeal. And then there was the wondering, maybe I'm just strange, or weird, maybe nothing is ''wrong'' with me just...I don't fit in. Maybe I'm just you know, dramatic, over reacting, everyone goes through tough times, everyone has their own issues. 

I think what pushed me to actually seek out a professional diagnosis was the need to understand, understand why sometimes I wanna scream when I can't do what seems to be an easy task and others saying ''well you're an adult, you should be able to...'', no Karen I just can't. I have no explanation except that there's things you do, and don't even need to think about (getting a haircut per say) make me wish I'd drink battery acid instead. 

You have no idea how tough seeking out a dignosis ended up being. How many circles of hell I ended up going through, oh you're an imposter, there's nothing wrong with you, get it together, you're being dramatic, you're being stupid, you're seeking out attention, just grit your teeth and get over it, etc. I felt outta place talking with people who pin pointed my problems within ten minutes of conversation and felt like they're staring directly into my soul. And now I feel...broken. Broken because the term associated with all of this was ''special needs''. I don't feel like I have special needs, I feel shame and fear because there's no way people will ever look at me the same way now, should they learn the whole story. 

I guess you know I should have figured out sooner that ''normal'' people don't need a whole god damn script to get involved in conversations, or want to scream bloody murder when forced into small talk. I suppose people don't really see people who make them eat fruit as mortal enemies? Or god forbid mixed up food is normal? I guess not feeling any pain, and hating light, or the sound drapes and forks make are also not traits of ''normal people''. I guess people CAN actually tune out, and are not bothered when there's loud conversations around them. Or can nod along and smile without wanting to strangle a person when being asked the standard ''kinder, kuche, kirche'' questions. I guess it's not really normal to struggle THAT much with information intake on things you really couldn't care less about. And I guess yes noticing details in every little thing IS weird. 

I guess it's also the honesty? People don't like it? I mean I never considered that I'm being rude when telling people the truth? I never understood the hell of the question ''how are you?'' you're supposed to be polite, say ''good, thank you, how are you?'' uhm. No? I'm not good, so why should I lie? I learned to play pretend, to try and be as ''normal'' as possible without even realising, how much energy that's draining from me. 

So here's the deal, what's all the drama about? I was diagnosed with autism. It shouldn't be as much of a surprise as I said, it should be more of an ''aha'' moment. Nothing should change except the fact that I now understand, and can maybe set boundaries, and live a bit easier with some form of understanding, from the world around me that really isn't designed for people like me, right? But then tell me why the hell do I feel like the world had stopped spinning? I mean I felt that way often with things that maybe the rest of the citizens of this planet don't see as world shattering as I do. But this...this kinda does feel that way. I suppose I need time to understand myself better, life, the world? I don't even know. Maybe now that I know, things will start getting easier.

Moja mala bela laž.

Ujet v telesu brez robov, tud’ če bi hotu ne bi znal,

končat te najine zgodbe, brez besed iz tvojih ust.

In če to zadnja je pomlad, in to zadnji je zaklad,

Še enkrat žarek konca naj obsije mojo svetlo stran.

To je nov izgovor, moja mala bela laž.

To je nov izgovor, začetek konca, slep od sonca.

To je nov izgovor, moja mala bela laž.

To je nov izgovor, dej mi pot iz tega v’n pokaž.

Hodu slepo po poteh, mim tebe,

zgubu sem vse, ko vrata hotu sem zapret,

ostal sem sam ujet.

Lahko bi si rešila svet, in rožo gledala cvetet.

V filmu, če bi bla romantika, bi skupaj šla umret.

To je nov izgovor, moja mala bela laž.

To je nov izgovor, začetek konca, slep od sonca.

To je nov izgovor, moja mala bela laž.

To je nov izgovor, dej mi pot iz tega v’n pokaž.

Glavno, da midva sma skup.

Ko naslednjič se vstanem, vem da bo konec sveta.

Če še zadnjič ujamem tvoj smeh boma srečna šla.

Neom niti pomislo, kaj se bo zgodilo, pač bo. 

Za vse kaj bom zamudo, mi bo vseeno blo.

Še zadnjič bom srečn, predno me bo,

razneslo v atome, odneslo v nebo,

že more tak bit, ker folk je res glup,

glavno, da midva sma skup..

Ko naslednjič vstanem, vem da bo konec sveta.

Končno zrušene meje, nikjer več nobenga boga.

Samo midva v parku, objeta, prestrašena,

bova čakala konec, pa ne veva kako se konča. 

From the river to the sea.

You know I started and deleted this post ten times by now? Writing has become somewhat of a challenge lately. Maybe my scrambled mind just doesn't allow me to put things ''on paper'' no more. I don't know. Maybe it's the lack of motivation, what's the point in writing, when all you're really doing is just screaming at the skies? It's not like people are listening. It's not like people care. Maybe it's just that promise I made myself more than anyone, back in 2015 when I closed my old blog and opened up this one, that it's going to be a safe and positive space. I mean it is safe, but lets face it, it sure as fuck aint positive. I was going to share my art, love for music, photography, travel...I can't explain when did that go sideways, sometimes I just feel like all happiness has left the planet. You know that line in that book? 

''Hollowness: that I understand. I’m starting to believe that there isn’t anything you can do to fix it. That’s what I’ve taken from the therapy sessions: the holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mold yourself through the gaps.''

— Paula Hawkins, The Girl on the Train

Maybe, I'm also starting to realise that some holes will just never disappear. Maybe I've realised I'm broken and some things just can not be mended. Maybe that explains the empty, hollow, numbness that never really goes away. Or maybe, just maybe the issue is not me at all. Maybe it's the world, the world that I fail to understand, much less the people in it. Much less the world leaders that I never wanted, never voted and have all lost every bit of sanity, assuming they ever possesed any. 

You know what this is about right? I tried hard to keep the topic off my blog and rather on twitter and tumblr but I can't keep quiet no more, I'm still shouting at the void but getting things off my chest might at least make me feel better. This is a post about the war. Between Israel and Palestine, so firstly if the topic makes you uncomfortable, please remove yourself, and secondly, can I just start with how badly it irritates me that we're calling this a ''war''? How is this a war when you got one of the worlds strongest armies against people, mostly children, with rocks? How is this war? This my dear friends is nothing BUT genocide. I don't even know where to begin my outrage, my anger, my disgust towards the western world, which is watching, supporting the agressor, clapping on when bombs are dropped on children...I don't even know how do you put this in words? How?

I'd love to ask the western people why they're so unbothered by the deaths of people with darker skin, different religion, different culture. But lets face it, we all know why, we all know what was meant when reporters in Ukraine were saying ''this doesn't happen to PEOPLE LIKE US''. We know why the media portrays the Middle east as war torn, conficted area, ''underdeveloped'' and it's people as thieves and terrorists. We all know why right? We knew that when US felt the need to invade Lebanon and Iraq based on some bogus accusations and kill its people in the name of ''preservation'' or whateve else bullshit was the reason. In the eyes of the West, war and death are not only reserved for a specific type of people but also expected. How does that not make you sick to your stomach?

How can you sit there and listen to ''this is a war against terrorists'' no. This is Israel propaganda. They want you to believe that in the 75 years of their relentless torment on the citizens of Palestine, the only people killed were Hamas. NO. All they're doing is desperately trying to dehumanize them. Dehumanize people that are just like you and me, people with dreams, goals, love and life. The people. The INNOCENT people of Palestine out of which more than half are children. 

How did the world just together decided that Putin is a war criminal, put sanction upon sanction on Russia (we see how effective that is right?) but nobody, NOBODY is doing the same for Netanyahu and Israel? How is this real world? How do I live in this world? The man is bombing hospitals, schools, refugee centers, refugee convoys, he is commiting genocide in the eyes of the world in the name of ''clearing the world of terrorism''. He's throwing white phosphorus bombs, which alone is unlawful. How are we turning a blind eye? How are we just looking away? What the fuck is the matter with us?

Are you aware that Palestinian workers released from Isreali detention wore anklets with numbers assigned to them? Not names. Numbers. Does that sound familiar? I don't even know how to unpack this, I don't even know how to comment, what to say. I guess they really took a page out of history books...

Do you understand the type of world you live in? The world in which politicians will say ''the killing of civilians is never acceptable and that is why we stand with Israel while it drops apartment buildings on people''. The type of world in which babies are not issued birth certificates but they're issued death certificates. How are you not seething with anger? How can you scroll twitter, watch parting words from students, reporters, talking about how they wanna be remembered should they die, how are you just moving on with your lives? How are you blind? How are you not angry with the billions being thrown into Ukraine, while we're letting the people of Palestine starve and die? How are you not angry that there was an international search of the entire god damn ocean, for five dumb rich fucks on that Titanic sub, but the 2 million people in Gaza get 20 trucks, and ignored pleas for a ceasefire? 

How can you sit there and tell me that this is alright because ''hostages'', because ''Hamas'', because when they bomb the hospital they're only doing it because of the ''terrorists'' hiding underground. Tell me, if there's an active school shooter hiding somewhere in the school? Is it okay to bomb the school then? Just asking. For a friend. Do you understand there are videos out there, with people holding dead children, pleading for the end of the genocide? Do you understand mothers in Gaza instead of kissing their children good night have to write their names on their arms and legs, in case they get bombed in the middle od the night? 

How are people blind? How are they screaming that every Muslim is a terrorist because that's what they heard on the tv? Are you aware that no religion, absolutely none would support murder and genocide? I have Muslim friends and family friends and neighbors, and you know what? They're the nicest people I know, they'll be the first to be your friend, the first to offer you help should you need it. They're the ones that listen and care and actually say hello to you when they meet you outside. Seems like basic manners right? Well they're too much to ask from from my non Muslim neighbors who judge, ignore, gossip, glare and cause trouble out of what seems to be pure boredom. The next time you hear Muslim religion is violent or the religion of terrorism, I want you to think about Motaz Azaiza he is a Palestinian journalist, who likes to cradle and console babies in between helping people pull their family members out of the rubble. Just a few days ago I read that on the way to reporting one of the latest war crimes, he discovered 15 of his family members were killed. By the way, he's got 13 million people following him on Instagram, why is he not an influencer? Why is the world consuming bullshit like the Kardashians and Taylor Swift (the fuck is up with her lately? The phenomena? I don't get it at all) but he's ignored? 

Next time someone tries to talk shit about Muslim men, I want you to think about the men dressed as Mickey Mouse walking around Gaza and trying their damn hardest to put smiles on childrens faces. I want you to think for a moment how doctors and nurses were praised, deemed as heroes during Covid, they were doing flash mobs, people all but worshiped them, where's the praise for Palestinian doctors and nurses? The true heros who preform surgeries and other medical procedures 24/7, with limited supplies and possibly in the dark, and yet still take the time to comfort their patients and try to console them through the disasters and losses they're going through. Who's the real hero here?

It is so easy to turn a blind eye to genocide when you dehumanize people, when you decide they're this or they're that. It's so easy when you see part of the world as uncultured, and as savages and terrorists while the other side deserves the all the ''glory''. 

I just I have no words. None left. No thoughts. No...All I can tell you is fuck your western double standards, fuck your support for Israel and just generally fuck you. That's that.