Listen up kids, go get a snack and settle down because the day has FINALLY come when I write down some content that isn't 70% bullshit and 30% complaining. Lets see if I'm even capable of some such shit...this is going to be a concert review, yep you read that fucking right. I don't know how this is even possible living in this post apocalyptic world but it happened.
You would NOT even believe the ups and downs of this gig. Let me start up with the fact that I really love Steel Panther. Underneath all the dick and pussy there's really talented guys who know what they're doin. Did you know a guy complimented me once with their lyrics saying ''girl, you got the eyes of a panther and lips like Satan''. Might have been one of the coolest compliments I ever got. I don't know. Hah. Listen I don't even remember when I bought these tickets. Possibly in 2019, I remember posting about it that if something fucks this up for me I'm burning the whole country down, and then a year later after it was cancelled for the second time laughing about it. Like somewhere between manic and Joker type laugh mind you.
Well cute story last year I get an email due to whatever the fuck cosmic reasons, they're combining my SP gig with Whitesnake who are going on a farewell tour, no charge for ticket holders. Listen it felt like a god damn gift from god. I love the snakes and basically would be seeing them for free for the last time I guess, and AND with their new member Dino who is...you know...ALL that. To say I was a ''little'' excited is an understatement but of course, of fooking course, that man up there who has had it in for me was like ''you know what? Hell naw bitch''. I watched in terror for the past week how concert after concert were being cancelled due to illness. And don't get me wrong I get that illness is some higher fucking power you can't control but like why me? Why MY date? Of course after couple of shows they additionally cancelled mine too. Of course. Like I feel cursed at this point in the last three years I was robbed of like 10 gigs. And if you think I made my peace with Aerosmith because of course Steven Tyler has to have addiction problems right now...I tell you I am cursed...no I aint okay and no I aint found no god damn peace. I get it this is shit that's outta mine or more important their control, and I wish them all the best and speedy recovery but tbh I am incredibly salty.
So in the span of 24 hours I went from no concert, to no Whitesnake but maybe Panthers, to most likely nothing to actually just Panthers with special guests. What the fuck wild kinda ride. It's all an experience right? It's good for you? Bullshit. It's giving me anxiety. I don't like planning things without planning things. One would think that the last few years will teach me to be spontaneous, well no. I need my outfit picked and my day roughly planned. Why? Because that's the only way I get everything I want done within the 24 hours and get to actually stop in a museum on the way to the concert.
Everything above here was written before the concert yesterday night. Today! Today...forget everything and lets start over. Oh my fucking god you guys! I can't. I can NOT. Check out the tix first, how pretty are they! The nicest tickets I got! Though funny thing, note the date and also...Lexxi is gone now, according to Michael last night, he quit to shoot gay porn. Lol. Madness...
Now to the concert. First time in Croatia after what 10 years? Feels so odd, used to be there all the time, long weekends, vacations, back in the 90's when my life was perfect and vacation 3 times a year was not unusual. Last time I was in Zagreb for a longer time was a long weekend or week -I don't remember what day it was- for the Bon Jovi plus 30 seconds to Mars concerts some 13 or so years ago. Went for a couple day trips after, always good fun, I suppose seeing the city again was fun too, even if for a few short hours.
Now! The gig! Oh my god you guys if actually getting to the show was a wild ride? Than this was a rollercoaster paired with skydiving and bungee jumping. Before I get into it in details let me point out that despite loving Panthers and loving Whitesnake the only reason I kept this ticket and went was because of Dino Jelusick. Like guys I'm sorry, you know I love you but Dino is Dino. So I went to the show a bit reluctant and salty about it. Imagine my fucking surprise when Michael in his usual banter is like ''so we got the cheapest member of Whitesnake to play with us tonight'' and there he fucking is on stage! Freakin Dino! I could not be held responsible for my actions and screaching after that. Just saying. So now, D is Croatian, we are in Croatia, it soon became not a Panther show but rather a Dino show and I did not complain one bit! It was amazing the whole venue and the band chanting ''Dino Dino'' the entire time? Uh fuck yes, show that boy all the love. Guys! The voice! The voice, oh man, voice of an angel, and the keyboard -keytar- playing. Asdfghjkl! My brain is melting. What a cutie too, am I right girls?
So before Dino completely frazzles my head (omg babe thanks for sharing my IG story!) let's talk about Panthers. I said it once and I said it a million times. Beneath the jokes and dicks and boobs (we saw a couple last night lol) they are extremely talented musicians. Even if you take a piss at Van Halen you need to know how TO PLAY Van Halen. It's not easy. Eddie Van Halen was one of a kind after all. I had never in my life laughed as much on a concert. Or basically at all. They are SO much fun! Their jokes. Their learning of the Croatian language. Of course if they will learn any new words it's going to be tits aka sise which will have the entire venue chant sise. It was hysterical, really. Respect to my man Satchel because he executed those Croatian words beautifully. And guys! What a guitarist. Holy shit! The solo? The guitar playing and drums at once? Jesus amazing. And don't even get me started with Michaels voice because that shit is out of the ballpark.
Ok Michael covering Ozzy's Crazy train? Holy perfection. The whole behaviour and the moves and the voice and the crazy? Literally Ozzy. LITERALLY. Y'all know he actually bites off a bats head? Just saying. I mean it's a stuffed toy bat but still. Wild. Fake choking on said bat, assistance from several crew members...it's too funny.
They had girls on stage again of course, they did the whole writing a song again of course, all about sucking and fucking, which in turn would have one of my friends say you need birth control just to listen to their music. That makes me chuckle each time I hear it. Some of the girls really did let loose with their dance and Micheal was all over two of them that also got a backstage pass. Cute. At least that for their trouble. But what I wanted to point out here was that despite all this, and the show, and the bullshit going on on the stage, you can tell that they made sure none of the girls were uncomfortable or thought they gotta do something they don't want. Despite the gimmicks there's a lot of respect involved, and I know you're going to say they're afraid of a lawsuit but they won't touch any girl in anyway she doesn't want to be touched. Respect and with the shit they say many people could misunderstand them.
So the new guy is called Spider or maybe Spyder. That I am not sure of and to introduce him Michael learned in Croatian ''he has a small dick'' lol. The band did 15 songs all together but they felt like 25 because of the constant chit chatter between them and the comedic things. Did I say I love them? They opened with ''Goin' in the backdoor'' one minute before play time by the way. So punctual. It went on with Tomorrow night and Asian hooker. And of course with ''All I wanna do is fuck (myself tonight)''. Lol and fat girl to which they talked about how all girls in Croatia are so skinny and beautiful and it's a shame because they love fat girls. Back to fuck yeah, show them big girls some love!
After Ozzy's cover and solos it was the moment with Dino where I basically lost my mind and sanity. Not my bra or panties though thank you very much those stayed put. So all y'all betting if I get naked at the Panthers show. I didn't. I could. I should tbh. Not because of the band but because the venue had one hundred fucking thousand degrees. I don't know what's with the no AC lately (everywhere in the Balkan, all restaurants, bars, museums, is everyone crazy? In this southern summer?) but I probably lost 5 pounds in water that evaporated from me. Hah! At this point let me just say though that yeah this heat is awful BUT! Small intimate concerts which this was with what less than 2000 people, in dark tiny venues, with sweat dripping from you and plastic cups of beer and water flying above your head? Yeah it sounds awful but they are kinda my favourite. The crowd last night was amazing! They all let lose, they were SO loud, they sang along. I mean...I have very few concert experiences where the crowd is like this. Sick. The best way to sum it up.
So Dino was on stage for Van Halens Jump, like half of The Final countdown after which they dedicated the song ''Here I go again'' to David Coverdale, who we all love and miss to be honest. After these two he left and the band did ''Weenie ride'' (picture me giggling like a little school girl) and ''17 girls in a row''. There were girls on stage but there weren't 17 of them for sure. Actually cute story, there were 80% guys in the crowd last night which is surprising since it's mostly girls that like these boys to my experience and also what a view guys. What a fucking view! The sea of long hair, some blond long hair, and tight pants all in black (I was very unmetalish in a white shirt and blue jeans but listen to me, first my friend who has a concert ticket selling agency always tells me ''if you wanna be spotted in a metal concert, wear white or yellow in a sea of black'' and second it was way too hot to be all metal), handsome, but mostly disappointing because well...not to be rude but the few I talked to? Not very bright. Where are all the nice smart cute metalheads? Oh...on stage aye?
After that it was ''Death to all but metal'' both with the girls and Dino again. I love this song because yes that's how I feel. Death to ALL but metal. And they left the stage, though we all knew they will come back. Of course. They always do but even if they didn't the chanting of ''we want more'' was SO loud that they couldn't ignore it. So they come back with a little rant and a question of how many guys brought their girlfriends with. A couple raised their hand to which they were promply told that they made a stupid mistake because well...lol. Do y'all really need an explanation? There was also a slight ''let's hope they didn't already fuck Dino'' comment. Lol. There was a lot of that whole ''fucking Dino because he's very cute'' jokes. Cue in more of my giggling.
So the rant and jokes led into the song ''Community property''. Listen I lost it. This is my all time favourite Panther song. Seriously. I love it. The crowd screamed it back to the band so freaking loud. I love this so much, the moment when the singer is silent and the crowd picks up the song and it's just so loud. Goose bumps! (update Spyder and Michael shared my video in their IG stories and I LOST IT!)
The show ends with ''Gloryhole'' of course it does. And you know it's a sad moment, because you know that the show is over. I can't say I've been counting down days to anything lately, since we all know how everything is getting cancelled...well actually, I hope I can use ''was'' as in was getting cancelled and we're done with this shit but I am not an optimistic person so I'll sit on this. But this was something else on so many levels, first I felt like someone took my virginity all over again. I was in a concert venue for the first time since October 2019 which is insane on it's own. I was dumbstruck at the sight of people packed in a venue and the whole ''spit and sweat'' thing? Oh hell. Don't get me wrong it was a beautiful sight and I think one of the best parts of the show but at the same time it felt completely surreal. Maybe we all spent so much time in a box that we just can't believe we're out of it now. So in that spirit enjoy a couple of shitty phone pictures, I had the camera in my pocket but didn't use it because guess what? I decided to just enjoy the god damn show to the fullest because who the hell knows, it could be my last.
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