While I sit here and prepare myself to do something incredibly stupid next week….ahhhh stupid ideas, don't you just love those? No really. No good story ever started with ''a Friday night in'' or ''we sat around drinking apple juice…my ideas are always either pure genius or pure madness. Interesting how often those two go hand in hand is it not? Though usually, these days at least, I stay away from ideas that involve restraining orders and getting arrested. Though I am exaggerating. Surely that will not happen. Surely (she said without being sure at all, lol). Listen to me kids, when life or universe or God or the God damn kozmos or whatever bullshit you believe in gives you lemons…you aint gonna sit around and make apple pie will you?
I'd love to be more specific and tell you what this is about…but only later. After. In case of trouble. Being vague especially if this is ever screened for evidence. Lol. No but really calm your tits, I aint doing anything illegal, or dangerous to be fair, just stupid and I could possibly for a change act like the adult, people so intensely claim I am (wtf?). When the hell was I ever even remotely an adult? Some things just wont ever change, which is why I always tell my mother to ''stop dreaming'' when she asks me if I'll ever be normal. Listen, maybe she should take on some of the guilt for how I turned out. Both my parents. I did hit my head pretty hard at least three times as a child…god bless sometimes I wonder how am I even semi normal. On those few rare days when I am…semi normal.
I am both excited and freaking out and actually really nervous to a point I forgot what I wanted to complain about today. Hell. My nerves are the only thing making me think that this is a really bad idea because well, I don't preform well under stress at all. Who the hell does anyways? But honestly… I aint a coward, fear is hollow with nothing around it, fear doesn't make you a coward but smart to know when to back down, don't let fear of losing keep you from playing the game blah blah blah…you know how it goes. I fucking got this. Excuse me while I give myself a pep talk because I know nobody else will. Girl you are strong, capable, sometimes severely stupid and yet resourceful and you got this. You can do this. I know y'all are probably super confused by now it'll make more sense next weekend when I explain everything. I promise. So lets move on from the topic for now, I need a distraction and you need to stop all the wild ideas, that are no doubt planted in your heads by now after reading everything above this line.
*20 deep breaths later* my palms never sweat because my hands are permanently ice cold and right now they're a mess. I'm a mess. Does anyone have any good calming techniques I could use? Not refering to the topic above (only a little) but for real my anxiety lately has been over the top insane. I don't know exactly what's fueling it but…hell. I keep telling myself ''get a grip girl'' and well…shit. No use. I'm really kinda getting sick and tired of how this hell is permanently controlling me, actually making it hard to act like an adult if you're constantly on the verge of throwing up or passing out.
Never mind the hyperventilating and I aint talking a fan girl at a God damn Bon Jovi concert hyperventilating, I mean like honest to god gasping like being underwater for a whole fucking hour kinda hyperventilating. Maybe it's time for some proper medication you guys. I don't know. I despise them, they're horrible but going on like this aint going to be possible for much longer either. Sigh.
This comes from constantly self diagnosing myself instead of actually talking to a professional you know. Don't do what I do guys. It's stupid. Maybe half of the issues I have could be avoided if I didn't do that. Or I'd have more, those I don't even know I have. Lol.
Maybe this post could be a great starting point to share all the crazy shit and stupid ideas. Those really are the best stories and maybe I'm doing a huge mistake never sharing them. Well some at least, others might actually get me in trouble or lose those last few of you that still bother reading this crap. For real though? Thank you for doing so, I love you all. All these stories yet to share…I mean I'd love to brush them off and say ''yeah that was a weird time in my life'' but come on, lets not pretend that my entire life isn't a god damn circus. As I always say my daddy never raised a clown, he raised the whole god damn circus.
Here's a completely random word of advice for you. Before you let your parents, siblings, dogs or cats use your camera make sure you remove your cheeky naked selfies off of it first. Yes yes I hear ya who the fuck still does nudes with cameras. I know. It's always the phones but like, iPhone, the cloud? Ya it's no fun. That cloud goes from a summer breeze to winter storm in 0,01 seconds flat. So here I am, my family asking to borrow my tiny old Panasonic camera which in my vague recollection I thought I haven't used since I was in Rome three fucking years ago…and then suddenly it occurs to me…something about this beautiful red lipstick, leather jackets and nothing else underneath…did y'all do the math by now? And while I was praying to all gods that they just don't check the pictures they took and swipe just one picture too far…well…are you willing to guess what happened? Ay Papa Dios!
There was a long sermon on what the hell is the matter with me and who the hell am I sending those to. The whole ''I just felt good about my body on that particular day and wanted to document it'' didn't cut it. My family does not support body positivity let me tell you that. Pictures MUST mean they were sent to someone. Which to be fair is not wrong, half of Finland probably saw at least three of them by now, but primary focus was in fact on feeling good about myself. New lipstick, new jacket…if you got it flaunt it girl. You know how that song goes right ''When you got it, flaunt it. Step right up and strut your stuff, people tell you modesty is a virtue, but in the theatre modesty can hurt you''. Something like that…I often feel that the whole world is a stage and we're all under-rehearsed. Just bullshitting through our lines trying to get by. That's how I feel tbh, bullshitting through life, pretending to be normal. I'm great at that. Lol. Sometimes I even know just how to use my intelligence, charm and charisma (yes I do have that) in order to gain what I want. Wait, isn't that a sign that you're a sociopath? I have a lot of those to be honest, the signs…should I worry? Is this another self diagnosis tho?
A lot of this post is just completely random. I know. Might be because my brain works completely random. It always did but it's just getting worse and worse these days. Which I guess is why people have a hard time keeping up with me. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, nobody wants someone always three paces in front of them. Or maybe…you're never bored, always trying to catch up, always an adventure, every day. It would be great for me since routine is killing me, I need excitement in all areas of my life, but I know this is not the flavour of the month for most people. Not to mention that excitement lately has been lacking as much as Sahara lacks the rain. And I am so ready for things to get exciting again but…it seems to me instead of better it's only going to get worse. I am not more cynical than I used to be…just you know. It's either me that keeps getting crazier or the entire world around me is.
Speaking of random maybe I could keep on topic if I didn't have an open magazine on one side of the laptop and a half finished sketch on the other, all while two different Google windows are playing music simultaneously and I'm scrolling through tumblr. Too many things grab my attention and then we are where we are. In a blender. Lol. Does it happen to you too that you open Google and forget what the fuck you wanted to ask it? Because it happens to me all the fucking time.
Well lets not forget that I wanted to get to bed early. I know. I hear myself. No, I'm not sick, just a lot of plotting and planning to get done. I also hear myself say that yes, like some super villain, out to destroy half of this planet. Would it really be a bad thing though?
Have a great week you guys, hopefully next time I pull my thoughts together I can elaborate both this mess of a post and the art related thing I'm excited about.
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