Do you ever look at your ex's and think ''what the fuck was I thinking''? I was just looking at a Facebook post (or twenty) of one of my most recent ex's and couldn't stop myself from rolling my eyes all the way into my fucking skull. Oh my god. The hell was I doing thinking he's all that? Thank you mother nature for the hormones and god knows what else that bullshit is that makes you feel love when in reality it's just…sex and stupidity. But you know I'm glad that this recent enlightnment (how the fuck do you spell that?) made me see things more clearly and made me see that despite our entire relationship being a god damn waste of time, I learned a few things about being smarter, wiser, and fucking respect myself more. Just cuz he's a good lay does not make him a good man too. Should I mark that last line as ''Nikki's wisdom''? Probably. Maybe I was blind, maybe I was lost in all the good parts because don't get me wrong, the good parts? They were really good…I don't know…I just know for sure that he was not worth all the heartache I felt.
What I learned was that all the shit that gets broken can be fixed, even hearts, golden seams you guys. Broken things are not ugly but just another statement claiming you survived some shit in your life. Things that get hurt can also be healed. It's hard, and sometimes it feels downright impossible but what you hurt you can also heal. And you know what the fuck else? No matter how fucking dark shit gets, there's always going to be a light because the two can't exist without each other. But me without him? Perfectly fine.
And you know I also realised while sobbing on my bathroom floor for fucking nights on end that it's actually me being brave because it was me getting through it the best way I knew how. Nobody but me decides what being tough looks like. Maybe it's crying on the floor, maybe it's staring in the mirror begging myself to just move on, to just push on through, maybe it's planting a fake fucking smile on pretending like nothing in the world can or will hurt me. Whatever it is. I decide.
So how's life been treating you guys in this pseudo post apocalyptic bullshit we call life? I guess my sudden stroke of genius aside it's been a fucking roller coaster aye. Will Smith smacking the shit out of Chris Rock on the Oscars? Good for him. I'd hit him harder next time. So fed up with these ''comedians'' thinking they're funny when they're making fun out of people, careers and looks. You're not funny. You're rude. Same thing the other day with Rebel making fun out of Armie Hammer…well maybe get a mirror first is all I can say to that…
Fucking Foo Fighters? No words. Not my top favourite band but holy shit I'm saddened by the news. ''There goes my hero, watch him as he goes…''. Shit. I've had a hard time thinking how them fans must of felt waiting for the concert then suddenly a note on the big screen saying the concert is cancelled because one of the band members died. Here I was whining for like 3 years about a cancelled concert due to some tech diff and here are these poor suckers. Man. Guys, I'm sorry for all y'all. Hope you're coping with it.
Speaking of concerts I went off the rails of a fucking crazy train again and splurged 500 euros on tickets to see the Stones, pretending I can actually go. Lol. As if. What's crazier is that it's on the 15th, Guns n' roses are on the 13th and then you got Harry Styles on the 16th. All in Vienna. I might have tickets for all of them. Again let's pretend and dream this could be an amazing week. It won't be the same without Charlie but…might as well be the last tour the Stones ever do. Probably not since we all know Mick but like…what if? I don't want to risk it. If it comes down to the concert happening and just me not being allowed to go, I'm burning this country down just saying. I probably shouldn't write this down for further evidence reasons. Lol.
In other news, y'all know me, constantly Henry (Cavill) this Henry that. Well it would appear if you wish something bad enough, or pray hard enough for those that do, things actually do come true. Guess where Henry is? About an hour away from me, in my fucking country, filming the new season of the Witcher. Am I freaking out? A little. Okay. A lot. My psycho fangirl came out to play with the video he posted this morning, of him jogging in the middle of fucking nowhere and I dissected it frame by fucking frame till I knew exactly where he was. I constantly think that us fangirls should be investigative journalists because we sure as fuck know more and faster than these clowns do. How exciting you guys! New Witcher will be filmed here and honestly the scenery here is amazing (I should know right) so I'm sure it's going to look so good! If any of us will be paying attention to anything behind him in the first place. Shut up, y'all know I watch Witcher for the plot. As if. Lol.
Ah you guys! I have art related news that I'm so excited about but can't share yet because it's all…you know under wraps…soon. But I'm excited, especially because I've came a lot further lately than I ever imagined possible, and got so much positive feedback…incredible really. I mean it's not yet where I want to be but baby steps and if this much came true... The best thing I can do at this point is thank everyone that believed in me when I didn't. Also calm your tits it's nothing huge that's happening, small things, but they mean a lot to me.
Now if you'll excuse me there's new Nat Geo stuff for me to get lost in. Lost treasures, mummies, ancient cities…you know what tickles me in all the right places aye. Maybe next time I give you some book / vinyl wisdom too. Untill then then.
No comments:
Post a Comment